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THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

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WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-2-26

52

Happy 12:38 AM $

I technically got up at 12:34 AM $

True Pythagorean shit $$

I do need to go ahead and note for the record..
That oxonol shit is strong lol $

My last note was how I took maybe a 10th of a tablet,
Might’ve been less,
I can still feel it a little bit
It was almost like it was time release
It got stronger after about two hours it seemed $

The entire peak was equal to about an eighth of a tablet of the seven
It just lasted much longer
Which is weird lol $

Definitely something to be extra mindful with from a tolerance perspective
Substances like that become pretty easy to tune out
Which makes it real easy to develop a dangerous level tolerance $

And unfortunately, I can tell that’s why this product was really made
It’s like the methadone of the gas station heroin $

I am not trying to promote it. I am simply trying to document my journey, honestly. $

*Lighter flick $

I will also confess for the record..
I think I’m officially traumatized by the DoorDash jingle $

And I’m certain I just triggered anybody who’s ever dashed before by just simply saying that lol $

or anyone that’s worked in a restaurant because I’m pretty sure that damn bell sounds the same for everyone. 
It’s like a crying digital Cash baby $

So whenever I hear something that kind of sounds like it,
Suddenly the lizard part of my brain springs into action $

Now, in some ways, this is a sneaky win because it does release a little bit of dopamine
Because I’ve done so many dashes where I got played by some l bullshit that I am now a bit proactive $

I try to remind myself that it’s better to be the world’s most patient Dasher than to try to be the fastest
Cause I’m already the fastest hehe $$

I mean, sidenote..
I really don’t brag much,
About dashing that is…
But I guarantee you I am the fastest Dasher in all of East Charlotte
I would honestly bet probably the world, 
but that’s only because you can only deliver some things so quickly while limiting mistakes.
And besides that one time in which I delivered the wrong “Jeff”
And one time in which I got a Mountain Dew instead of a Starry,
I don’t think I’ve made any other mistakes
Knock on wood 🪵 $

I’m saying,
If you’re ordering pizza,
And I happen to be on standby,
You want me to be the one to go get it. $$

I look as homeless as the other Dashers, of course.
Surely With my own funky, smoky, scent. $
 
And now that most of this creating shit is turning a corner,
It means that I can genuinely get back to coaching and consults and all of that with a good conscious $

So if you’re just tuning in,
The short of it is..
At least is a relates to the fitness side…
I’ve been a coach for four years,
But the last year I took off from direct work with clientele for personal reasons and for creative perspective $

And I don’t like to bring it up as an excuse, but the family drama trauma is probably the single greatest reason why I’ve basically been so accepting of these conditions.
Because this is the one opportunity I had to give my parents a lifeline to change their lifestyle.
And they have rejected it enough times for me to sleep better at night.
Literally $

And so,
Just reminding myself that it’s still been within 90 days that I’ve had the most horrible, most disgusting, most soul crushing conversations with those closest to me
With zero mushrooms, lol $

So just reminding myself that time takes time to heal.
Healing may be relative and recovery may be quick at times
But I need to remind myself to have some extra Grace because I’m sure I still have a lot of defects
And debts… $

I’m just happy to be healthy enough to have a chance to correct my foolishness $

That is another thing,
I’ve gone on and on 
and on and on 
and on and on about how this past year has basically been a philosophical version of suburban “naked and afraid“,
But I would not trade the experience for the world $

And if you ask one of those crazy ass contestants,
They would also say that simply abandoning literally everything to go hang out in the woods for three weeks was one of the most meaningful experience experiences of their lives $

I just find It’s probably easier to stay motivated when there’s an actual camera crew… $

In many ways I had to be my own
And I know that’s pretty cliché and pretty lame
But seriously, if you’re going through the shit,
And your imagination is your only hope,
Then you might as well pretend you’re on a hidden camera TV show.
Record as much as your bullshit as you can.
I promise that it’s beautiful in its own way. $$

Just be prepared to do a lot of editing lol $$

Happy 1:23 AM $

This is relatively unique and definitely note worthy,
I saw some mention of it on some forms when I looked it up briefly,
But I think the metabolite from these Kratom extracts don’t overlap or interfere.
Meaning, I think this Oxonol isn’t getting in the way of the seven hydroxy $

I saw people complaining about it,
Because if you were developing a metabolite to help with another, then they should work on the same receptors.. $

But while they buzz is very similar,
It is slightly different.
And I can tell the difference between the two even as I smoke a cigarette $

…
..
.
Trust me, I am aware of how ridiculous the context of everything is $

And how good I feel off all this poison and a box of Oreos for dinner 🍽️ $$

Breaking pretty much every amateur tenant lol $

I am just convinced more and more every moment,
Mind over matter,
Balance over beauty,
Philosophy over poison ☠️ $$$***

But you gotta have all six $$

But back to the diet…
I’m truly not hungry at all
And I have enough eggs to verify lol 
cause if I was hungry, I’d be happy to smash a bowl $

I almost wish I was hungry cause I wouldn’t mind making them right now
But instead, I’m gonna finish my electrolytes $

I mean, if metabolically I was able to switch gears this week,
That means I cannibalized a lot more fat than I’m giving myself credit for.
Yes, even despite the Oreo incidents…
Which also means that I might even be able to do some pull strength in the morning 
But we’ll see $

As of now, I think I’m gonna go ahead and try to lay back down for a second sleep
And I might get up again around five or six
And I may change my mind and decide to eat $

Because kidding aside, it would be better to eat at at least three hours ahead of time
But if I feel this good, then we’re just gonna go with it $

It is 2:27 AM
And more high strangeness
I have eaten a gain bowl
Mostly because I’m just simply not sleepy and finally got just hungry enough
The strange part is how sleepy I am
Or More appropriately, lack there of.
I do think that ox tablet is part of it $

It is also part of the reason why I don’t usually take more than an eighth at a time anymore
Because even if it doesn’t have you all jacked up or buzzing too hard,
For me, it seems like it interferes with my sleep.
More so than capsules do 
because sometimes the capsules will put you out $

I am feeling pretty aggressive right now
It’s partly triggered by some bitchassness 
Other part is I just have so much energy and I’m fucking bored
It’s not full on restlessness and I don’t think it’s genuinely caloric
I just think that I have zero true circadian rhythm anymore $

This is why I have to keep a fucking notepad..
it really doesn’t make any sense
Obviously, there’s a reason
And there’s most likely a miscalculation involved,
But it’s just another example of just strangeness $

It is 7:18 AM
I apologize for my last outburst
The frustration and aggressiveness did not last long and I fell asleep and got some good sleep after a little bit.
It’s just tough sometimes.
But I have another confession to make..
I am fully captivated by episode 54 of season three of “love after lockup” $

And I’m thinking to myself,
One of the most mature things I’ve done has been to delay my morning caffeine/pre-workout for about 90 minutes after waking up. $$

Which leaves 90 minutes of borderline hell some days to fight through before I get to moving $$

By borderline hell, 
I’m just talking about circumstantial stress that likes to invite bitchassness in when I am chemically low
(point being when I don’t train first thing, is when shit sucks most) $

One ancient solution to this is of course, 
Is the the wonderful “wake and bake”.
The only downside to this is that sometimes by starting the day by smoking, 
you’re liable to smoke a little bit more throughout the day which leads to an increased tolerance $

But..
I think there’s a real case to be made…
That smoking in the morning is probably the best time to do it $$

To offset the natural bullshit,
To spiritually set the tone,
And just all in all, 
I think you are more sensitive so you feel it more $$

Not sure if this makes sense,
But I wish I could basically get to work five minutes after waking up, and that would be considered optimal.
But I could only do that for physical work,
Creative work requires a lot more… particulars $

I wish I could get to training pretty much instantly,
But the truth is that I enjoy the caffeine buzz while training too much to skip it.
So if it means waiting a little longer to get a better effect and to avoid building an unnecessary caffeine tolerance then so be it $

Because on the scale of tolerance,
A high caffeine tolerance is one of the worst things you could have $$

So yeah, I guess my point is…
Philosophically speaking…
Cannabis and reality TV show shows first thing in the morning really set the day off on a interesting foot 🦶 $

It is 10:39 AM
And I just couldn’t do it
I pulled up to the gym, 
sat in the parking lot,
 and turned around and came home.
My heart just wasn’t in it this morning.
Physically speaking, I had more energy than I’ve had at the start of most workouts.
And if I had to, I could’ve easily pushed through it.
But that is not the point any longer.
Instead, I went home and had a gain bowl.
And the bio hack is working because my unconscious thinks that it still needs the energy to train,
But I’m not training so I get to save that energy 
and I just ate when I normally would be training so I’ve got double the energy on the way,
And because part of the reason why my heart wasn’t in it this morning was because my glycogen levels were low,
That means I basically get an excuse to eat a box of cookies again and hit some hypertrophy if I want.
As long as I do it with the right timing $

I know I’m rambling but
I’m also a little leaner than I’ve been in a while..
A testament to water weight dropping and my body switching gears.
So I’m entering that weird phase to where I’m still gonna need some hypertrophy workouts, but they’re not gonna be quite as good
But I’m gonna look probably better during them because I’ll be a little leaner $

And the leaner I get, the more accurate I can get with my cookies lol $$

It is 12:16 PM and I’m eating Oreos in the Food Lion parking lot lol $

Reminds me of the one time I went to Food Lion and got some chicken and a potato salad and a bunch of candy and then accidentally did 26 miles in the woods by myself in the middle of June $

At least I’ve had a dozen eggs & 18hrs since my last box of Oreos $

Realizing you ain’t shit feels about the same for everybody, regardless of the occupation $$*

Caring about what others think of you is the most foolish,
Caring about what others think about themselves is the most wise $$$***

Is 5:42 PM
And halfway through a cloudy walk
A lot of resistance for something so simple and routine
I actually must confess that it’s been a couple days since I’ve walked down memory lane
It’s actually kind of chilly
Still got the flops on though
The second part of the Oreos were starting to kick in $

Also to update the record
I took probably what is 1/30 of a tablet again of the ox
We’re just gonna call it ox moving forward 🐂 
Oxonol that is $

AnyWho
Weird vibes
Feels like a fall day almost
& a weird low level of depression to go with it, lol
But there’s a lot more green, so that’s nice $

Kind of hard to believe that it was 90° less than two weeks ago $

It is 8:27 PM and I’m gonna go ahead and try to go first sleep again
It didn’t work so well last night mostly because of the energy miscalculation.
But I’ve had less caffeine and I haven’t eaten in a while so I am optimistic.
I am also proud of myself for how much work I’ve gotten done and some major adjustments that have solved some pretty big future long-term problems much ahead of schedule.
But does create a pretty epic to-do list this week… $

It is 10:45 PM and that was a nice little nap
Gonna be a chilly one tonight
Supposed to get into the low 40s..
It’s fucking May!!!! $

Logging a gain bowl at 11:30ish
Not quite as sexy as a box of Oreos unless you find responsibility sexy $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-3-26

53

Happy 4:02 AM $

Been up for almost an hour
I can’t believe it happened again..
I’m gonna have to change the channel immediately 
But At this point, I just gotta give credit to the producers.
Because I just can’t believe how they keep coming up this level of bullshit on “love after lockup” $

I can’t tell if it’s organic Fuckery 
or if the producers are responsible for the production if you know what I’m saying $

But anyhow,
That’s one way to get an early morning dose of gratitude I’ll tell you that $

I am both surprised and grateful of my hunger level
Because of how low it is $

I mean, talk about pendulum swinging
If it wasn’t for times like this,
And the hours between visitations from the Cookie Monster
That I’m not quite concerned whenever the Cookie Monster decides to drop by,
Because I can survive on some sugar,
But then, apparently, I can coexist on my own flesh for hours on end as long as I have the right stress or distraction lol $

Kidding aside though I can tell that my non-activity base line favors fats.
To the point to where it’ll even select to burn fat even with 1800 cal of rocket fuel in the tank
Which is an adaptation I’m pretty proud of not gonna lie $

But a year ago when I had zero type two muscle left,
Pretty much anything greater than a bowl of rice would’ve shot my anxiety into the stratosphere if I didn’t have an Adderall $

On that note, we are nearing another major milestone
One that I am extra proud of $

Because in six days, it’ll be the one year anniversary of when I walked out of “that last job” $

Mostly due to a lot of bullshit with management and extremely toxic Fuckery dealing with medical services
But that’s another wall lol $

I had zero safety net even when I started their job
And I would gladly do another year of eggs and cookies and suburban solitude if it meant not being a sellout hack slaving away for people who really don’t give a shit
But are sick enough to brand it as “wellness” $

It is 8:35 AM
And I have too much energy lol
It’s the good kind, but if I don’t do something, it will turn into the bad kind.
Pretty crazy because I’m supposed to be in a calorie deficit.
So I’m guessing that’s my body’s circadian rhythm pulling more energy.
So I’ve been up for about an hour and it’s only intensified, which means that it is time to go for a run $

It is 9:02 AM and we have arrived at the park after delivering some McDonald’s lol
Happy to say that my winter warm fat is still working because it’s cold as fuck this morning and I don’t really care
So that’s pretty cool
AnyWho, time to do this $

It is 10:01 AM and I have arrived back home
I finished doing some reviews after my run.
Just realized today is the four year anniversary of when I bought my signature hat and my shoes.
And most recent skateboard.
I bought it at a skate shop nearby during the middle of one of my first shifts at LA Fitness.
If there were any a day to mark the official begin of this crazy ass race, it would likely be today.
Or at least this week.
Because this is also the anniversary week of when I quit that last job
Already mentioned but worth the remention lol $

Also noting for the record that I just took probably a 20th of the ox
Last few times seemed decent strength, but I took up to two hours to fully peak
Which is bittersweet $

Some people are so sick they mistake kindness for weakness $$$***

Those who do the most evil often think they’re doing the most good $$*

I think technology is working in reverse.
I don’t think we just came up with some super cool shit recently,
I think there has been some extra mega cool shit available pretty much forever that some bitch ass motherfuckers have decided to withhold and manipulate for power and control $

That makes a lot more sense than blaming an all loving God who wants nothing but the best for you $

And I think those things are allowed to take place because even if evil gets 99.9% of the way of total control and destruction,
That .1% eventually survives and becomes hip to all the tricks, effectively preventing evil from ever being able to succeed again $$

But the ride to 99.9 is fucking crazy man let me tell you lol $$

It is 11:37 AM
So far the ox has been very mild in the background almost not really noticeable.
But I just had a glorious gain bowl and I’m now recharging on the floor.
And I think it is kicking into a higher gear thanks to my metabolic engine picking up $

And just so nobody thinks that my dosing recordings are typos,
I bought a 30mg tablet Two days ago,
And I still have well over 3/4 of it left
So it’s like micro dosing the microdose lol $

Pain is just conditioning in progress $$$***

It is now 12:30 p.m. And I will say that I think it’s actually mostly worn off. $

Truthfully, because I’m taking such a low-dose of what this metabolite was designed to do, it is kinda hard to tell what it is actually all about.
So far, it seems far more concerned with a body buzz than a mental buzz
So I think there’s only one thing left to do.. $

I was implying that it’s time to take a heavier dose
But after failing to find anything of interest to watch on YouTube..
…
I’m seriously considering going to the gym lol $

And by “seriously considering” I mean, I’m going ahead and getting ready to change out $

Just because I’m going heavy, doesn’t mean I have to work very hard… $$* ;)

Kidding aside, though, I am having an internal battle about whether I should go or not
Although I will admit that the pro side is quickly winning out $

My rationale isn’t even about gains actually,
It’s more about losing.
Because if I feel like I have this much energy,
Then I know it has come from fats,
And if it has come from fats,
That means more energy can come from fats cause I got a little extra at the moment lol 😂 
And if that’s all the case,
Then, as long as my nervous system is healed and recharged, then the right intensity workout should accelerate the fat conversion process
Instead of just dumping what energy I do have $

I will also state for the record that it is 1:23 PM and I will still be doing a cold cleanse shower
Mostly for any potential stink
But I think if I’m being honest, that is part of my hesitation to going is “I don’t wanna get wet” lol $

Tis 1:53 and we are at the gym ready for legs
To do What exactly? Who tf knows tbh $

First move is going to have to be me pulling my head out of somewhere tight & uncomfortable tho… $

Going with the isometrics today to not be an ass hat lol $

It is 4:59 PM
And I got to confess for the record that I have spent more time in the past three hours on my phone editing and reviewing and dashing than I had training..
I mean that in one of the best ways possible.
Because as much as I would like to have no responsibilities right now,
The simple fact that I was able to check my favorite thing in the entire world to focus on something that used to literally give me panic Attacks, is a modern miracle. $

And the best miracles come after a long stent of working your ass off lol $$

My point is how much better I am at a resting baseline than I was even four months ago
Adjusting for the simple fact that I have gotten a lot better at everything I have to do each day
I would argue that I am probably 50% biologically chemically more productive and efficient $

I also need to note for the record that I just took the largest dose of the ox yet
Probably maybe a 10th of the tablet
Basically double my last $

So far, it has been primarily a body buzz, but I’m suspicious that it’s because my dose has been so low
I am just nervous that by increasing the dose it may lead to more intense physical sensation
Which is easy for me to forget about when I’m moving around,
Which is easy to cause a tolerance to sneak up and shit $

And the timing of this note this might ruin my credibility…
But all the reviews just remind me how much less of any Kratom supplement that I use today versus even four months ago.
I might not have been using tablets regularly, but I was taking shots of the sludge every couple hours $

It is 7:18 PM
And I gotta say that buzz was pretty lacking
Not really complaining, but I expected it to punch a bit
Instead, it was basically equal to an eighth of the seven $

Good philosophy is always persuasive $$

Most would rather pretend they’ve never existed before than investigate reincarnation …
Because then that means that they may have some explaining to do $$$*

It is 8:46 PM and time for a smoky smoke $

I gotta say
It was a pretty big unexpected…
I want to say win..?
But it’s more of a realization and a milestone $

As I kind of already mentioned,
I ended up doing more edits and reviews then training today,
It was accidental.
I was “listening to my heart” as far as what I wanted to do next..
While on the elliptical, of course lol
And I realized I needed to pick back up halfway through December’s review.
Which by review I mean, literally reading through things and taking out any extracts that I might’ve missed $

Besides the fact that I ramble a lot obviously,
I thoroughly enjoyed reading what I wrote and almost got lost in it.
I mean, obviously everything is deliberately long as fuck and edited as little as possible,
So I’d say at least a third of it was next to gibberish.
But there was a good third in there that I had kind of forgotten about 
and reading back through It made me laugh and smile again. $

But if I dare say so myself,
I was most entertained $

I’m trying not to build up any hype or some kind of indirect self plug,
I mean, it is a genuine accomplishment, almost $

That for as long and as much as I have struggled with reading,
I created something that I couldn’t put down for hours $

I don’t know if that’s healthy or a new level of conceited, lol $$

But regardless, I think it beats the alternative..
Both alternatives actually,
Of either never writing anything to begin with,
Or never sharing it $

But just like training in any public gym in the world,
You are editing yourself in real time.
And whatever you think is super cool and slick, most likely looks like shit the first couple times $$

And I figure for as many hours as I’ve put in physically in front of strangers,
It’s only fair that those intrigued can watch the editing intellectually $

I’m just happy that both the writing & the reading are fun.
And I have at least gotten to a point editing wise to where it is not absolutely miserable.
Because there’s not that much to be removed $

Voice to text is still a fucking hoe most of the time though so that sucks but whatever $

I do need to note for the record how good I feel energy wise,
And how little I’ve eaten.
I’m just had one game bowl
Double rice, but six eggs
No Oreos…
And no craving for them actually $

I would say I’m surprised, but the more I think about it the more this actually makes sense
And the more excited I’m getting $

I think my body is finally getting rid of its winter brown fat.
I have to chuckle cause I’m actively shivering as I write that line because of course it got down into the 40s for what may be the last time this year..
Knock on wood 🪵 $

And also metabolically I’m switching back to my historical rhythm 🥁 
And I have an annual evidence that I drop fat without really trying at this point in the year.
I’m not trying to brag or gloat I’m saying I think it’s a seasonal secret.
And I think most people can if they adjust accordingly $

But also,
I am metabolically adjusting, and I can tell my body is excited to be burning this fat.
Lol, knock on wood again $

I’m sure the carb monster is gonna show up within the next day or two
But until then, I think I’m gonna increase my eggs to eight per bowl 🥣 $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-4-26

54

*Screen door slam $

*Lighter flick $

Good morning world $

It is 3:19 AM
It is quite lovely out $

I think it somehow got warmer overnight $

Pretty good first sleep
Probably about four hours straight of deep sleep it seems.
I’m gonna have to sneak into the gym at this time in the next couple days to finish filming
So while I’m used to getting up at this time, I’m gonna have to prepare to basically do a couple workouts
Before my actual workouts of the day, lol $

But that shouldn’t be a problem
That’ll be just like the old days $

I don’t think I logged my recent gain bowl before bed
I was feeling so good energy wise that I was gonna try to sleep without eating
But I then began to get the restless anxiety.
Nothing too mentally crazy but physically, I could tell that my body was becoming a little stressed.
Which is why I was unable to go to sleep for the first hour,
Which was no big deal cause that was a great learning opportunity.
Because right after I ate seven eggs and 1.5 of rice, it didn’t take long for that to go away $

Now, if my predictions are correct,
And if metabolically I am getting back to full efficiency,
Then I should probably be fine on about 2000 cal a day with a shit load of electrolytes as long as I keep my training within bounds. $

And I should feel better in every area
And cannibalize a good bit of fat when I’m at it $

I keep running the fat math,
I think I’m meant an honest, 173lb
And truthfully, probably about 9% to 10%
…
I’ll admit that when you’ve been living life in single digits the hardest thing is admitting when you get back to double.. $

It’s just been kind of hard the last month or two to get honest insight without any creatine and true training supplements.
Just cause in the past, I had them and that would throw off calculations by at least 3 pounds.
Which can be a 6 pound swing if you’re not considerate $

Oh hell, I’m gonna go ahead and start the electrolytes $

But whenever you’re training for size, then you can’t really rely on the mirror but more so the scale and feedback from the resistance
And I’ve been literally ripping flannels and hoodies again so… $

Happy 6:46 AM
We’re doing an active rest morning and I’m basically gonna try to sleep and chill as hard as I can for absolutely long as I can in preparation for filming $

As much as I joke,
Filming secretly takes a shit load of energy, cause you always end up doing extra sets and an extremely long list of exercises and you end up usually having to add a little resistance seasoning $

I did take probably 1/16 of the ox tablet
And before I took that dose, technically I was about halfway through the tablet that I bought it I think Friday?
So half of that over three days
And I have had a little less of the seven hydroxy
(30mg for the whole weekend) $

And again in my defense
I would argue that 30 mg seems to be the most common single dose of the seven hydroxy.
That amount last some people three hours while it last me nearly 3 days
(& have maintained that for about a year now) $

That is proper poison protocol if you ask me $

That is real life application of the 12 steps $

That is real recovery if you want to take a moment and consider where the fuck I’ve come from lol $

And those last three lines alone are probably enough to make it to a good bit of people’s 10 step hehe $

AnyWho, back to a regularly scheduled programming $

*Remote click $

*Lighter flick $

Oh yes
“Love after lockup” $

Anyone who goes around proactively claiming they “don’t give a fuck”, does so out of necessity.
Because if they were to start giving a fuck, they would instantly implode under the weight of their own bullshit $$$****

It is never good to put pressure on people to change.
But if you were going to, I think the one justifiable reason would be to get somebody to lose weight $$

I know it’s cliché 
and I know a lot of people might view that as “bullying”
But I would argue that the reality of the health consequences that come from being significantly overweight are far worse and more painful than having your feelings challenged while you’re on the way to sickville $$*

I’m not saying you should do it
But I’m also not saying you shouldn’t hold back
Because the real problem is censorship.
Not subcutaneous body fat.. $$*

It is pretty funny the correlation between those with high body fat And high emotional sensitivity… $

And by funny, I mean extremely concerning and somewhat obvious $

It is also funny the correlation between neuroticism and low body fat $

And low body fat and amphetamines… lol $

& Tragically, the only controllable disorder that directly kills more people than obesity is anorexia.. $$

Because being too small is worse than being too big.
But I won’t lie,
It is easier to get bigger than it is to get smaller.
I’m talking strictly theoretically-
You can consume calories faster than you can Burn them is my point. $

But if you think not eating as hard,
Just wait until you try always eating $$*

So AnyWho, if I haven’t miscommunicated
And if I haven’t pissed too many people off,
I think we could come together,
All of our illnesses,
Physical and mental,
Without judgment towards each other,
And redirect that judgment towards the asshats misleading everybody $

Cough, cough, cough, primary care, physicians, cough, cough $

Each and every day that passes,
The argument that the whole “primary care protocol” does more harm than good, gets stronger and stronger $$*

I’m not saying you should skip your annual check ups,
I’m just saying that those who do are almost always healthier than those who go routinely..
I wonder why… $$

I’m not saying it’s optimal,
But those without health insurance are seemingly healthier than those with the best policies $$*

And I would argue that as big as a beef as I have with atheism,
It really is the overly religious types at the top who are ruining everything the most $$$*********

I think that there are some higher level concepts that you must meditate on in order to understand $$

And by meditate,
I really just mean intellectually grapple with and ruminate over for days and weeks and months and years untill something clicks & then suddenly you’re never the same again lol $$

Like,
Everybody has heard the statement-
 “you don’t need anybody else to be happy”
And if just “knowing that” was enough, 
then that would instantaneously solve pretty much every single relationship issue in existence.
But…
It obviously doesn’t work that way $$

So there must be more to it,
To fully understand something like that, you must have to go through some kind of experience..
Like romantic drilling and sparring $$

Sounds obvious, but I would also point out that we have a major issue with expecting people to understand everything without giving them the opportunity to fail their way through it $$

(You know, without wanting to bring down the wrath of God upon them for being so stupid in the first place) $$

I think that if everybody realized that they’re probably just working on a draft at the moment,
They would probably feel better and get more out of it $$

I think I just proved something pretty major.
Two hours ago when I was laying down, I was beginning to get a slight headache because I could tell I was low on fuel.
I did nothing but drink more electrolytes and enjoy that tablet while laying in bed.
It is now 9:45 AM and I am on the back half of a double sunwalk And I feel incredible energy wise. $

Headache is completely gone,
I’m fighting the urge to go to the gym although it’s much easier this time because I’m not spilling over with sugar lol $

My point is that I would normally be training right now so I can tell that my body is actively converting energy behind the scenes.
That is the power of routine for you $

So if my theory is correct,
That burning is much more like sporadic unconscious meals & less like a slow crockpot $$

Meaning there are times in which your body pulls a lot out of fat to process, equivalent to if you just ate a big meal.
And then you coast on that ATP for a while,
And then you may crash 
and that’s why sometimes it’s super shitty if you’re not hydrated or prepared $

And when you crash, it could take a couple hours to refill the gas tank internally.
But that is why taking a rest is so important because it’s basically like calorically reloading $

But once the fuel has been converted,
That’s when it feels limitless and as if you can go forever because it is much more efficient than carbs $

I am just convinced that it is the liver that is most responsible for all the fuckery $$

Thinking about anything at all for any period of time technically counts as comedy practice $$$***

Big worms and small snakes often look the same from far enough way.. $$

They rarely fool the eagle though $$

It is 11:04 AM
And I would be so proud of myself if I wasn’t already so proud of myself.
I have done some review , cleaning, recording, walking(3x), mobility (outdoors), and I’ve done it all with only one hit of cannabis $

I’m not gonna lie, I can still feel that ox tablet in the background.
I am not complaining, but I would confess that it’s just simply not the most appropriate buzz for a workday.
It’s a great for laying around and watching movies though.
So I’m definitely gonna keep that in the cabinet.
But this is why I do like the seven hydroxy,
Because it comes on quick and goes away quick $

And just to reemphasize,
That only really works safely as “small as fuck doses”
The second you start crossing 5 mg in a single serving you’re gonna be playing with the bad kind of fire 🔥 $$$$$

But I would also argue that if you can control one or 2 mg at a time then that’s probably better than caffeine $

Which is another thing I’m proud of,
My caffeine is probably down by 66% today
And it was already down 66% annually
Which was also down 66% historically $

And I’m not trying to be cute with those numbers, I’m just trying to be precise. $

Just thinking about how Charles Darwin is probably the king of confusing “how” with the “why” $$$

Thursday at 6am $

(lol wut?^)

Instead of knowing everything, I say it’s better to be the best at figuring shit out $$**

I’d argue that good communication is more powerful than magic,
Because then, at least a motherfucker understands at the end $$$***

“Being right” is a better feeling than being on most drugs.
Interpret that however you see fit $$

At around 12:30 I would say I began to crash a little bit
It was more so in the return of the slight headache.
No hunger or energy dip though.
So I chilled and took more of the ox and have been doing some digital work.
I took a salt shot and a spoon of syrup
And I think it helped a good bit
Energy wise, I still feel phenomenal and basically the definition of anti-hungry.
However, I do have a slight lingering headache & I’m probably just gonna have to wait out because I don’t think anymore Electrolytes are the true solution at the moment. $

I will try some sunshine and nicotine though hee hee $

Doing something for the principle of it can make you a hero or the biggest bitch in the world 
Exercise caution when being stubborn $$

It is 6:50 PM
It has been a very productive day
I am feeling a little low emotionally though which I’m sure I’ll get into in a bit $

I am leaving the Lion now,
And the candy store…
I have a nice pork steak that I’m excited to smash.
Got 30 more eggs, plus a can of seasoned beans
+100 bags of black tea, which I recently ran out of
+4 cans of cat food and some cat treats
& another role of paper towels $

I have learned in my 31 years in this realm that the thicc towels are worth extra money every time $$

I also wasn’t about to buy the tea because I cut back on my caffeine but then I remembered that I have to do it for the brand and I cannot have two Ts in my name without drinking two teas $

Also that the guy at the smoke shop hooked me up
I think he tried to be sneaky $

I think this might be more of a bittersweet note,
But I think it’s time,
I’ve said before in the past
“The candy store“ that i refer to is the adorable cannabis boutique down the street.
But next door is technically the generic smoke shop.
And in notes previous I have specified.
And I love the lovely ladies that run the cannabis boutique…
But their products as of recent have been lacking.
And the last Gram that I got from them, kind of sealed the deal for me because it burned like absolute dog shit. 
And that was definitely not the first time.
So truthfully, 
the last couple purchases I made from there were truly only because I wanted them to get the money.
Because I had been favoring the smoke shop a little heavy..
And I still don’t really have much of a relationship with the people in the smoke shop.
But they have been on point and exceeded my expectations pretty much every time, product wise $

I still want to support them though
And honestly, if I had more cash, I probably would still buy a lot of shit from them $

I rarely ever take edibles
But I would love to take more of them if I had the means lol
And that cannabis boutique definitely is better for that even though than the smoke shop 
& probably has everything that they have. $

And also if I’m buying flower in bulk, the boutique has been excellent.
I mean an ounce for $100 is a pretty sweet deal
And $50 for an ounce of shake is super clutch when you’re going through the “starving artist” phase 🧑‍🎨 $

I’m also excited to announce “operation ass hat” this evening.
This is where I sneak into Planet Fitness in the middle of the night to film a couple hundred demonstrations $

I’m obviously using the term “sneak” a little loosely..
But hey $

I’m also “happy” to report for the record that I did land a side hustle with FedEx, throwing boxes around out in Monroe.
So that could be pretty cool.
It was the first side job that I applied to,!mostly to appease parents.
But also, because if they actually hired me, then I’d be willing to throw some boxes around.
I’m already throwing around pizzas And cheeseburgers lol $

And the cool thing about this warehouse is that it’s out in the country
It’s about 30 minutes away, but it actually used to be my primary real estate service area.
I chose out there because of how beautiful it is and how little you have to deal with the city slickers. $

And at the time when I was terribly depressed,
And getting paid for every mile that I drove…
Well, let’s just say music & back roads help improve any workday $$

So I’m looking forward to having a change of pace
And then because I’ll be starting at 4:30 AM, five days a week $

I’m sure that there’s going to be some crazy shit with it
And I honestly have no idea how long I think I’m gonna be able to do it $

(LOL STAY TUNED)

I’m still conflicted about coaching full-time again
Just because of the unique ways it forces you to compromise and I’m just not sure if I can continue doing that $

I think I’d rather be more of a book salesman..
But once again, I probably be nothing without working with other people $

And if you gave me the opportunity to take this solitude shortcut in the past, I probably wouldn’t have done so.
So Who knows what I would’ve missed out on? $

So who knows when you will stumble upon this deer reader and what I will be up to at that time? $

I could end up doing a complete 180 within the next seven days and we could both be laughing about this $

Or you could be reading this far into the future and I could be CEO of FedEx by then $

Switching gears,
I have not had any seven hydroxy all day.
And I wouldn’t have known it based on how I felt biologically.
I did not expect any specific withdrawals, but I am relieved to know that I did not experience any of note $

Obviously, this is partly due to taking 1/4 of the ox tablet
And two doses that were six hours apart
And overall, here is my opinion..
The ox is much better viewed as a heavy duty medication.
Maybe for super sedation for a long afternoon.
Or dealing with true pain.
Mostly because it is very strong and very long lasting and very mild acting $

But as for a work enhancement,
I just don’t think it’s appropriate.
I did not find it as dopaminergic as a seven hydroxy or even capsules.
And just reemphasizing that capsules are probably the best for work $

The seven hydroxy was clearly not intended to be microdosed,
Mostly because the companies want you to get hooked on a higher dose..
But also, because not many people are even considering it $

Personally, I think that that’s basically the only thing you could use it for because of how potent it is,
& the second you start taking more than a few milligrams, It’s really gonna get spiky. $

I am just too nervous to do too much of that ox tablet because of how long it does stay in your system $

If it provides a pleasant background when it is there,
Then it’ll likely provide anxiety when it is not there.
And because it lasts so long, it becomes easy to almost tune out $

And that’s when you fall into the tolerance trap 🪤 $

It is one thing to intentionally choose a substance because of its cost benefit/risk reward trade-off each time,
It is something else entirely when you are choosing the substance just to function $$$***

And there is a big difference between “preferable /enjoyable” function
Versus “disabled & dependent “ $$

And I proven to myself that I can still keep working without these herbal aids..
But man, are they worth every penny and then some lol $

I remember what I wanted to note, though about FedEx,
And this relates to family trauma
But if accepting that offer buys me a couple days of not having to hear it from my mom, then it is worth it $

It just sickens me, the nature of our relationship at this point..
She has deteriorated to a degree that can only be described as “delusional”.
It is the sad kind of delusional because it is in the most blind selfish narcissistic way.
Not in the “needs to go into a home” way but I can’t say anything off-topic without her losing it emotionally. 
And my dad is way worse $

And half the time, no matter what we’re talking about ends up turning political somehow
I mean, she truly is basically the reason why there’s a mainstream media $

Fox News is on repeat in that house.
So I’ll just allow your imagination to do the work for me because it’s probably accurate $

Emotionally though,
I’m at the point where as long as I’m not literally in fight or flight mode over some propaganda, than I pretty much couldn’t be happier. $$

It’s been so bad for so long that it’s forced me to do so much digging that I found the philosophical gold that has freed me from the bondage of self  
Therefore, I truly believe that I have processed and recovered as much as one reasonably can $

Because once the actual yelling stops, then my gratitude comes flooding back in with an ironic vengeance $

 it is a lot to handle, especially by myself, being an only child with no real family to speak of besides those two,
But that burden has made my back very strong..
And my pen very potent $

And my bong is very active hehe $

*Lighter flick $

It is 7:21 PM $

You know, I don’t know why people think aliens are super sophisticated and most likely the uptight types,
I think they’re probably clowns of the cosmic variety $$

They probably value humor and humility above anything else.
And they’re likely well aware of how to avoid the profane $$

It is 7:56 PM
Watch out world,
 I have drank a full beer and I’m starting a second.
And I also just ate 2/3 a pound of that ham steak.
And holy hell, was it good.
You don’t even need anything with it,
Just a fork and knife and enough elbow room to get down and dirty $

The fact that I’m buzzing this hard off one beer makes me feel so much better about all my tablet usage lol 
Cause this one beer is far more intoxicating than even my “heavy dose” $

Which thinking about it, I haven’t really crossed that sedation threshold in weeks
Actually, maybe months now $

But I don’t know,
Got good real good vibe tonight..
Probably because I have taken a quarter of the seven hee hee
But I really think it’s work related.
And just finally turning a subconscious corner.
I still have a mountain to work to do, but I think it’s finally getting familiar enough that I’m no longer having subconscious panic attacks at the thought of it not working $

Hard to explain
But there’s almost like this bizarre delusional twist before I get to creative work each and every time.
Not with writing on the notepad obviously because I just ramble,
But when it comes down to the resistance games or the website.
Or social media.
It’s always a suspicious subconscious resistance $

I now realize that whatever that is, is taking place outside the biological body.
And whatever that is, is not confined to the five senses $

I would also take this time to argue that there are more than five senses,
I think perhaps there are eight.
It doesn’t really matter what their number is,
I would count proprioception as a complete sense.
I would also count reasoning.
And then there is a subconscious instinct $

I think the current understanding of proprioception is at best incomplete.
It’s mostly relating to balance and reaction time and “ awareness of your body in space” and shit like that.
Which is 100% true,
I’m just saying there’s an extra psychic component to it.
It’s also how you detect vibes basically.
So it’s like your consciousness awareness, and social space $

Reasoning, I think has seven distinct levels to it.
Maybe eight if you want to count a collective consciousness.
Meaning, 
this is commonly known as the ego or at least the ego’s favorite thing to do. (Reason)
And you can basically zoom in.
It’s kind of like how we understand and measure time.
So if you’re doing anything artistic and you zoom in on a super fine night detail, that’s basically like a second
And therefore, you can do things on the second scale
On the minute scale
And so on
And theoretically that works with constructs.
So, depending on whatever the thing is, your reasoning ability will determine your speed and understanding $

Someone with much experience might look at one small detail and understand the complete entire situation on all seven levels $$

Cough, cough, biblical interpretations, cough cough $$

So in a sketch situation,
You may be able to sense the entire solution based off one very tiny detail
Basically, this is wisdom in practice $$

And then instinct,
Well, that gets confused with feelings and emotions.
There are different levels to this,
And maybe emotions are just a lower level of an instinct somehow.
But this is obviously the most tricky,
But most rewarding if mastered $$

Cause let’s say before a sketch situation 
You get some kind of weird, emotional instinct.
And because you recognize it, you were able to reason & interpret it properly and act accordingly $

All psychic phenomenon basically is routed through this,
And this is what they mean by everybody has that ability, but you actually have to know how to use it (without being blinded by your emotions) $

This is most likely what you get when you peel the onion back for enough,
And I would argue that you get yeeted to this state pretty quick once you take a couple of mushrooms lol $

But the interpretation and wisdom and all of that simply takes time and practice.
And many many many philosophical nut kicks 🦵🏻 $$

Watch out world 
totally about to waste the second half of the second beer.. 🍻 $

Which is still way better than desperately consuming it…. $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-5-26

55

Good morning world $

It is 2 AM on the dot $

And I will confess that I am kind of bitching out from going to film.. 🎥 $

After another two full days of perfect dietary discipline,
And at least 1000 cal deficits,
I truly need to refill my gas tank, 
cause I can tell that while I feel good if I’m just chilling,
That would rapidly change if I go to do 130 exercises or so..
That is without a shit load of cookies or crackers to offset… $

So I’m gonna go to the store ASAP and refuel $

I’ll be more honest,
I can’t remember my last complete rest day
(Work wise, of course.)
It’s been at least 30 days
And I can say that there have been zero “stress-free” days.
Because even the days that I don’t have to go literally running around, usually are the ones that I have to combat some kind of family bullshit
Usually unexpectedly, which always takes more energy $

I’ve taken sessions off
Begrudgingly…
And I’m getting more and more balanced every day fuel and focus wise $

But I guess my point is that I think I needed to slow down a bit.
If I do it right, I should be able to get everything in one shot and in one night.
And the editing is basically unconscious at this point $

I don’t even think I’m gonna do a personal session tomorrow either mostly because of the calories $

I’d argue the single most important thing to master, Is simply one’s own emotions $$$*

I really am probably the worst of giving myself credit.
Like if I was to more objectively view the amount of things I do,
And weigh them the same as I would if I heard about somebody else doing this much work, 
I would probably rest easier lol $

I mean, I guess that’s classic ADHD bullshit.
The feeling that nothing is ever OK,
Quickly evolves into the feeling that nothing is ever good enough
And then overtime, you biologically condition yourself from an energetic energy expenditure perspective to simply not produce the extra dopamine to allow one to “settle”.
Usually because the circumstances have become so traumatic that your body will not allow you to do so until something changes $

There is no chemical solution to a spiritual situation though $$$***

You can get through anything as long as you’re doing the right thing $$$

The right thing is simply the less shitty of the options based on the information available at the time $$

Self Gaslighting is the dark side of hindsight $$$****

Which is ironic because lighting that gas is the dark side of healing
If you know what I’m saying 😏 $$

It is a windy evening
I would say low 60s before the chill $

Very peaceful
It’s like the intellectual pause after the first working set of the week $

Maybe it’s the nicotine,
Maybe it’s the seven hydroxy mytragyne,
Maybe it’s just philosophy from a recovering dope fiend $$

Man, I can’t wait for this next Carb refuel $

Id probably eat a gain bowl right now if I didn’t forget to buy hot sauce lol $

Sadly ,
If you see a large group of dudes, 
it’s just best to assume they’re up to some fuck shit.
Rarely ever are they up to something genuinely good these days.. $$

And even more sadly,
The more good they think they’re doing, usually the worst $

I’ve said it before, but I think it needs saying again,
It’s all fun and games until you’re repeating affirmations to your steering wheel $$

However, I still think the “affirmation phase” is better than the “lashing out sideways” phase $$$*

I wonder how many cubic feet of drywall have been ruined by emotionally corrupted young men $$

I wonder if the big home improvement stores are behind it…
Just imagine how much they’ve made $$

They’re probably the ones behind putting monster energy drinks in every store checkout line..
You know, next to all the candy and cigarettes $$

All meaningful initiations require some form of pain as a price for entry $$

Any institution promising to skip that step is basically a cult $$****

I just realized that it’s that time of year when all the college kids come home and flood the local gym $$

(lol big facts as I do my edits from the ELLIP at PF @ 11:23am)

Just imagine how many people will fall for less bullshit once they get their body fat levels under control… $$$

It is 2:51 AM and I’m finishing the second half of a movie called “manodrome”
Which is about a troubled young man who basically found his way into a cult $

If you’ve ever seen it, just know that the lead actor looks exactly like me when I was 20 years old.. $

Thank fucking God I got basically kidnapped and sentenced to a secret society for 10 years..
I’d gladly go back to McDonald’s and driving a Prius and being an activist at Planet Fitness if it meant eventually developing into a decent dude $$

Maybe I shouldn’t be doing it, but I’m taking a quarter tablet.
& Maybe I shouldn’t be writing a note about it right after writing a note about a sobriety cult.. $

Just remember that while I forgot hot sauce, I did remember to get some seasoned beans.
And that might be just enough to spice up a gain bowl here in a few $

Because while I don’t have any additional physical energy to spend, I am not sleepy and I am feeling pretty good everywhere else $

Energy wise yesterday was good. 
It was just a slight on and off again headache $

Fuck it I’m gonna go ahead and make a bowl
And then probably smoke a few hee hee $

If you offered me a super meaningful & balanced & righteous non-narcissistic type of permanent spiritual reward for doing 30 years in a form of a “prison“,
Then I will gladly do it if it meant correcting something permanently so that others no longer have to suffer.
Or if it meant establishing something entertaining and meaningful $$

The thing with a 30 year bid though,
It’s usually hardest at the end.
But it’s only hard if you forget the point $$

That’s just the shit I tell myself every day lol $

Seems to be working pretty well, but I guess I’m biased $

It is 3:14 AM and we are enjoying a cigarette
After enjoying a good sized bowl of beans and rice
And a big ass hunk of butter 🧈 $

Rice without butter is just foolish
Rice with beans is wise $$$***

It’s ironic that once upon a time, 
my friends and I were basically the neighborhood vandals.
Breaking into the cars and sabotaging garden gnomes.
And now I am as close as the “neighborhood watch” as we have.
Mostly with spiritual matters,
Such as inspiring people to go on walks apparently,
But if someone were to go lurking around while I’m posted up, smoking my stogie, then you bet your butt I’ll make a note about it $$

I swear to God half of me is an old arrogant pilot while the other half is a crazy cat lady $$

The wind in the trees sounds a lot like waves on the beach if you close your eyes $$

I’m still such a lightweight with cigarettes that smoking a full American spirit,
Extra light,
gives me a buzz that’s a bit too big.
But I just can’t seem to get enough of a cool night $

Impromptu Parking lot Cigarette smoking circles in the middle of the night with the crazies is more meaningful than any other individual mind or mood altering substance $$***

That’s a hard claim for a psychonaught to make..
But I would argue that mushrooms don’t really work their magic if you don’t have the framework to make sense of the madness $$

I would also argue that one without the other for too long is still unbalanced $$

It is moments like these years that I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
Mostly because for a brief moment, all of the biological boxes are checked,
And all of the bullshit boxes are not.
And without any crushing spiritual sudoku to solve, I am captivated by just how chill things are $

Most will just simply cite the fact that something takes a while as evidence that it does not work $$*

Happy 10:21 AM
I’ve been up for about an hour
After kind of marinating in bed and listening to modern wisdom for an hour before that.
I am now headed out the door to the gym
Feeling good overall, but on the low side.
I think I’m somehow still gaining mass because my clothes are fitting tighter and my frame is seemingly larger
I mean, structural mass not really puffy muscle mass $

But today feels a lot like a “off day”
Which is just another running joke at this point..
Often literally cause half the time I end up going running on these days lol $

It’s weird when I check my phone and I see bills that are past due threatening to cut me off, and text messages from my family asking if I want any help..
After the texts that tell me to basically never ask again..
Between text messages of delivering pizzas and preparing boxes lol 📦 $

It’s gonna be funny looking back for sure.. $$

Best part about being legally blind is I basically have drunk vision as long as I don’t wear my glasses 👓 $$*

The hardest move is always walking away when it’s time.. $$$*

Simple and difficult have a high correlation with spiritual matters,
But only at first $$

I love shopping at Aldi’s because it’s always like looting practice $$*

The skill that matters most is simply the ability to admit when youre wrong

Overlooked superpowers:
-Communication with animals and insects
-Weather prediction $$
-(more to come)

Health is just a race between growth and decay $$***

It is 12:11 PM
Had a very reasonable functional workout, 
Ran by Aldi’s to grab the essentials that I forgot about..
Being butter, hot sauce, caffeine, squirt , electrolytes, and a box of crackers $

The best philosopher is simply whoever can point out the obvious for the longest.
In the face of the greatest resistance.. $$

What they don’t tell you in the program
Is that once you get really good at taking your own inventory, you also become very good at taking other people’s $$

At a certain point having too much muscle makes you just as liable as being too fat.
Except you might even be more needy and neurotic.. $$

At a certain point, what you do outside of therapy matters most.
& that point is right here and right now and always will be $$

The same people who spend too much time on the couch these days are the same ones who spent too much time in the caves back then $$*

I need to report for the record that if you wipe my memory, I would not know that I took any ox over the weekend.
My worry was because of how strong it was and how long lasting it was that once I went about 24 hours without it, that I would begin to feel a low level anxiety or restlessness that could be attributed to that substance.
But so far so good
Knock on wood lol $

A good pre-workout will have you defending the supplement industry 😂😂😂 $$$**

I take supplements because I know I’m not all that, Not because I’m trying to be all that. $$

Life is a game.
And that game is rigged.
It is rigged for you to fail.
It wants you to become angry, sad, and resentful.
Those in power want you to become angry and resentful towards each other.
It almost seems as if nature has a “hit list”,
…
..
.
And that is exactly how it’s supposed to be.
Because that is the only way to develop Supermen (and women, of course).
Because in the eyes of eternal love, a few lifetimes of struggle is worth a few eons of peace ✌🏻 $$

It’s one thing to do the thing,
It’s another thing to love the thing you do,
And it’s another thing entirely to do the thing you love $$

I love how my power just went out and I had a baby panic attack as if I forgot to pay a bill..
But it looks like an organic outage in the area $

Smoking small amounts of tabaccy shirtless in the sunshine is bio hacking $$$*

It checks all of the boxes
Mental,
Physical,
Spiritual $

Maybe the evil fuckers controlling the world are super introverted and hiding caves and only exclusively pay attention to Fox News & the like,
And the people who run the outlets know this which is why they engineer a puppet show just to appease the fuckers in the cave so that they stay in the cave
…
..
.
Or maybe that’s just the audience…? $

Happy 3:21 PM
Always a magical time $

Never trust anyone who deep down, doesn’t “want to work anymore” $$***

Because if they don’t want to work, they’re clearly working for other people, places or things, and not for themselves $$

Politics is just philosophy in practice $$

If secrets matter more than anything else, then you should keep your faith mostly secretive instead of wearing it as an identity... $

As a general rule of substances,
If you don’t really notice it much when you’re moving around, then it’s really not that strong And definitely not “intoxicating“ $

Tis 4:15pm and we just dropped off some bbq and are at the park “ready to run” 🏃 $

Whenever encountering a small girl with a big dog, 
always fear the girl more than the dog.
Emotionally speaking $$

(lol actually fear both Cuz I got bit this week by a girl would was too small for the dog)

I’m not saying you should go out of your way to do something dumb,
But I am saying that you probably shouldn’t worry too much about it because it always provides a good opportunity to learn. $$

Which pretty much guarantees you’re gonna be a better version of yourself tomorrow. $$

Just bought two new packs of Oreos lol.. $$

The level of gratitude in my heart would make any rich man jealous $*

But there is only one way to experience this kind of gratitude…
And it is to basically have nothing else but Oreos lol $

I don’t know why or even if I made a note about it earlier, 
but the power cut off sometime around 130 for about an hour.
Which would’ve been the exact time I got home last year from that last job of being DPed by Fuckery $
 
51% of O box 1 consumed 
5:07pm…

You can tell who is a good people by how many rabbits and squirrels like to play in their yard $$*

If this round of Oreos goes well, I think I might have to officially replace the crackers at the primary rocket fuel.
Just from a digestion and ingestion perspective $

(This Theory is reinforced every week..)

It is 5:46 PM
Just delivered some Mexican down the street to a cop
Pretty nice dude.
The goal now is to rest and recharge as much as reasonably possible in preparation for tonight’s midnight filming.
Cause as it currently stands, it is moved up to “must do” $

Intelligent people are never angry for long.
Because accepting anger is the dumbest shit you could ever do $$$****

If you think intellectual knowledge matters more than emotional wisdom then you do not have very much of either $$$****

It is 9:45 PM
And A long day, apparently
Now that I’ve caught back up on all my review and edits,
And I’m no longer having to come up with super crazy elaborate extra exercise sudoku shit,
I can focus more on daily writing.
So I don’t know if that’s a warning or a tease or another hollow half baked idea,
But I have learned now to put it down because if nothing else, I can laugh at it in a week or so $

As of now, I’m feeling pretty good energy wise
I’ve finished one box of Oreos and 2/3 of a box of cinnamon graham crackers.
I had a gain bowl early in the morning.
And finished off that ham somewhere in between.
I’m low on the protein kinda,
But I can make up that really quick tomorrow morning $

If I don’t end up falling asleep before going to film, then there will likely be more rambles after reading this $

As I’m also pretty stressed about trying to drum up some food and candy money tomorrow and enough to pay the website dues lol..
And I also need to get gas to be able to get out to Monroe to start the new side hustle $

It’s bittersweet that gas alone is gonna cost me half an hour of work & an hour of my time just in transit.
But I am looking forward to having at least something consistent somewhere else besides website laptop work in the cave $

It seems that the ancients give me jobs like this every now and then, not for the pay but for the routine.
Or to meet somebody at a certain time that radically changes the trajectory of everything lol $

(Bitchassness is just the least and worst use of the truth
Random but Had to jot that one down)

Like when I wanted to get my first tattoo
On March 15, 2013
I had no idea where I was gonna go or who I was gonna get it from.
And it was somewhat of a spontaneous idea to celebrate my one year sobriety anniversary.
I mentioned all of this to the maintenance bro that I was working with,
Who was one of the hardest working most honorable people I had met at the time for the record,
And guess what?
His dad is a fucking tattoo artist.
Who was actively in the drive-through window at the exact moment I brought this up.
Waiting on an order..
And I was able to make an appointment when I handed him his coffee lol.
I rolled into that shop later that day with my friends, and this crazy chick that I was trying to bang, and I got the angel on my right shoulder. $

I got all of my tattoos within one year from that first session basically lol
And that was 12 years ago
I’m glad I stopped and saved my forearms and my back and my legs and basically everything else except for chest and upper arms.
I’d be covered by now if I wasn’t wise then $

I was told to get something that represented what I believed in,
I just didn’t expect my tattoos to age as well as they did.
Both aesthetically and philosophically $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-6-26

56

Happy 2:07 AM
The time has come $

(To sneak into a public gym for filming)

Reminds me of the first time in July in 2023
& had idea what the hell I was doing $

You know, maybe I would real realize how difficult what I’m doing is if I wasn’t enjoying it so much $

Tis 4:26am and first film is complete 
Still got a few things on the punch list, i am happy with how much I got done & the quality of the aesthetic
If you know what I’m saying…

Because I’m walking away with a lot of renewed confidence
I’m so excited to go home and get high as fuck and sleep late as hell lol $

Back home at 4:32 AM like a boss $

It is hard to put in the words the level of satisfaction/gratitude/humility that I feel right now but I guess this is my best shot.
As I light a stogie..
I filmed over 60 exercises.
And the hardest part was the actual filming and phone stand angles, and all of that shit.
But a year ago, there’s no way I would’ve been able to pull that off physically, let alone creatively.
I am humbled by how far down the scale I was pushed, but also with how far I have rebounded and how much better off I am for the hellscape that was the last year $

In many ways, it was a performance.
This plus & last round of filming about a month ago, which was way more movements, just at home so it was a lot easier.
Brings back very ancient memories..
I keep having these weird, nostalgic flashbacks as if I’m preparing for some kind of concert.
As a young kid, I played instruments so I have some experience in this lifetime doing that, but I can tell this is something different.
It’s kind of funny how the last year I found some of my grandfather’s old music shit.
Apparently, that motherfucker played everything.
And growing up, I was constantly compared to him talent wise… $

So the tremendous hours of creatively nitpicking shit really has awoken a lot more than I ever expected lol $

It’s asked for me to sacrifice everything I thought I needed, and everyone I thought needed me. $

When I say “burn phase” of life, I mean that quite philosophically $

The pendulum must swing back though, and I must rebuild.
As happy as I am with where I’m at physically, it’s still just a base.
With the right circumstances..
The right plan…
And The right supplements….
I could shatter any old performance personal bests within 1 to 2 phases
At the same time $

You know you trained efficiently when when you started you were hungry but when you finished, you were not lol $$

Obviously, there are times to train until you’re hungry, but you get it $

Or maybe not 
my point is that if you cut on your metabolic engine and you start converting fat then by the time you get done training, you might not be hungry $

I think I’m probably just gonna go back to bed instead of making a big ass breakfast at 5:03 AM.
I still gotta get creative with some cash today, but I think that will be no match for whatever the angels and ancients and aliens may have planned $

(AAA)

Here’s the secret
Are you ready for it?
It’s just gonna change everything.
It’s about exercise..
The secret is…
You really don’t have to train very hard to see pretty great results $$

There, I said it.
There is a catch though..
You do have to train a little bit just about every day for the rest of your life $$

Don’t get mad at me.
I didn’t make the rules
But this comes after 13 years of very rigorous study $

And basically, 
if you train every day, 
mostly for fun and function, with a little bit of a performance sprinkled in,
you have a strong chance of discovering the key to eternal life $$

I really think that if we want to understand a future where somebody doesn’t have to work and simultaneously reject modern comforts,
And suddenly finds themselves in a crisis of meaning and needing to establish a completely new social structure just simply find things to do,
That we should look at RuneScape. 
I think that search is a great example of large groups that practice magic, and have chosen a more traditional lifestyle $

Spiritually speaking, the revelation that we are not our bodies is basically the same as your character realizing the true player exists outside of the game $$

Meaning-
 the players in the game don’t have to work jobs, but instead complete quests.
Social structure is based on a power level that is based on clear definable skills.
And yet there is no chaos.
War is confined to the wild where you willingly wander $$

I think any problem worth having is considered a privilege $$$***

It is 9:17 AM and we’re having Oreos for breakfast $

All I gotta say is the first thing I’m tuning into after disclosure is official, is NASA’s next press conference $$$

At a certain point, just admitting that you have something to disclose is disclosure enough.
Which is what the government is trying to do to soften the blow $$

Once they come out and admit the shit then they’re also gonna have to admit that NASA is the biggest propaganda campaign ever $$

And then that would just be the beginning.. $

In a relationship, you shouldn’t keep score on who apologizes for what 
unless one side is still at a zero.. $$$****

It is 2 PM and I have been on the floor for the past couple hours napping and recovering.
I’ve had my fill of cookies and I can fill my gas tank charging so I’ll be turning my focus to nutrients.
Cough, cough beans and eggs, cough cough $

It’s actually pretty funny how much of a pump I have right now from I’m doing nothing at all.
Obviously, it’s from last night & doing a shit load of exercises in two hours.
My point is I can tell I’m rebounding $

And for my next trick, 
I will deliver some cheeseburgers without squeaking my brakes..
Knock on wood $

(lol big fail 🤦‍♂️)

The real secret suburban syrup is “dawn dish soap” $$$*

One thing I’m gonna look into is what all is stored in body fat cause it can’t be just fuel.
There has to be amino acids and vitamins cuz otherwise anyone on a long-term fast would completely wither away quickly.
And if it can be confirmed that you essentially store protein as well as fuel, then that will radically change build & burn cycles $

And I’m sure once that’s confirmed it’ll be easy to develop a peptide that helps you both store more amino‘s and one that helps you metabolize them during training.
So essentially think about being able to repair yourself while on an ultra from just body fat $

We are all spiritual children in an educational school.
And the Catholics are the kindergartners… $

Loggin a magnificent game bowl at 3:44 PM.
Six eggs, rice beans, butter, and hot sauce
And I swear to God, 
I probably could get away with those ingredients forever because when you’re hungry, that bowl always slaps $

The game is now to continue to dash up a little bit extra candy and gas money $

Just landed one of them miracle dashes around 6pm
17$ on 5m is bout as good as it gets $

It is 8:26 PM
Interesting day
Mostly a recovery day physically and mentally
Very low on the cannabis use - at less than half a gram
 and the seven hydroxy at 10 mg
And note worthy bonus points for low caffeine- only two servings of tea so probably 120 mg total. $
 
I did smash that box of Oreos pretty much first thing in the morning of course.
And I did finish a third of the graham crackers in between gain bowls..
But I did just have my second game bowl.
Both were fully loaded and glorious. $

Cigarettes, 
we’re about three so that was a small increase.
I blame this stress and the boredom lol $

The mental recovery is responsible for my boredom because there’s nothing else I want to do,
such as movies or games or social media or dating apps, like I would’ve been the old days.. $

So my adjusted maturity points are pretty high if you know what I’m saying $$

And I really do need to take a creative break to let those muscles chill $

I have the orientation for the side gig tomorrow morning at 6 AM..
We’ll see.
 I don’t really know what to expect.
I’ve got a good feeling about it all though.
Afterwards I need to dash up some more money to reactivate the website cause they’re probably gonna shut it down in the morning.
Which is pretty funny 
and honestly, I kind of feel shitty about it even though it should only be for a little bit $

and I’m still doing so much maintenance that it’s really not such a bad thing
Regardless,
I’m very good at finding ways to crucify myself $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-7-26

57

Happy 12:08 AM $

Or better put,
 greetings from first sleep intermission $

(Midnight movies)

That last gain bowl kinda came back with a vengeance energy wise, and I’m a little restless.
Ironic, that the real food would backfire more than the rocket fuel but that’s OK $

You’ll never know what someone’s truly made of until you watch them in a toxic relationship.. $$*****

Lol, take a wild guess where that last line came from $

If your guess is that it is from some repressed bullshit, then you clearly have not been reading my other entries..
Which is OK I get it…. $

But if you guessed that the world’s most ridiculous show is playing in the background,
Then you would be correct $

Either cause you are a fan,
A friend,
Or a fiend for the philosophy $$

I make no promises each day.
Other than I’m probably going to log a lot of words cause that conveyor belt in my brain just never stops $$

I am totally fine with being the equivalent of a philosophical science experiment 🧪 $$

Perhaps it’s “how much bullshit can one man take” $$**

I feel like I might be crazy enough to sign up for that challenge.
That’s some bullshit some righteous old man would want to do.. $

Few things worse than watching a white bitch get ratchet $$****

in the past 30 seconds I have witnessed~
Two young women discover they have been impregnated by the same cheating felon,
while at a Holiday Inn conference room,
Followed immediately by a advertisement about a heart healthcare center in South Carolina 
and how how cool it is to basically cure people,
Follow immediately by a Taco Bell commercial with all of their new late night burrito specials $

To be fair, 
the Taco Bell commercial has replayed twice by the time it is taken simply to record the last paragraph.. $

I swear to God, I think I might throw up on just cringe alone. $

I made enough notes to have to make enough edits about this shit by now to realize that half of this might not make sense, 
but it is the best attempt I have to personally process this $

Like
 I’m not trying to make this into a bit
Or a skit or be funny,
I was just trying to smoke some dank and of course the show just pops on and I am just flabbergasted every time $$

Then again, I think you don’t need to watch more than 13 minutes of the show to have your mind blown.. 
And then you’d understand $

You’d understand that I am just doing the best I can to hold the line against Fuckery $$

But when you got convicts with contraceptives, you’re gonna have a problem $$$*****

And then when you get a film crew that is catering to a very unwell, very liberal female audience,
You’re gonna get all kinds of very weird propaganda $$*

I’m just proud that we can be so close to making a deal with a country while also bombing the shit out of them..
I mean, that’s true balance right there $

And that’s about as political as I’m gonna get it for this day.
Just needed to say something to capture them moment.
Whenever every time I scroll to the side, I’m seeing articles about diplomacy and destruction in the same headline $

Swerving back to the free propaganda,
We have tequila,
Wendy’s,
A toilet scrubber,
& The heart health center promo
And that was just the last commercial break $

I am very guilty of forgetting just how many people exist almost exclusively on soda
Or the sort… 🥤 $$

I mean
There are large group of people will go “I’m thirsty“ and then go and drink a Diet Coke with a straight face $$$***

Actually, most people who drink Diet Coke are extremists.. $$

Usually extremely narcissistic $$****

I’m dead serious that there might be something in the beverage.. $$

Anybody else get recruited randomly to go run to the supermarket whenever Diet Cokes were on special ?
just to have the extra body to carry all the shit to the car ? 
Or use extra coupons? $$$

The most functional store to shop at is Aldi’s.
Because you can basically practice looting and farmers carries while getting the best deals $$$*****

I guess if you don’t manufacture your own drama, there will just be fortune 500 companies that do it for you $$*

If your teeth are too big and your lips are too small, then you will look like a a horse 🐴 $$$

I hope that last line made you giggle cause I can’t stop laughing lol $

Time for a cigarette 🚬 $

Energy wise, it’s been kind of weird the past few hours.
Physically, I was pretty fatigued from just work training and little sleep for the past 48 hours,
And medium to medium high bullshit levels, but that’s not my point for right now $

Before I got up, I was pretty intent on sleeping deeply like a bear 🐻 
But I think once this last gain bowl really started to kick in that I’m rebounding pretty quick energy wise.
Which is bittersweet cause I need to get a couple more hours of sleep before I go play with boxes out in the country $

My biggest concern truthfully, is deer 🦌 
And my brakes.. $

(You see the connection)

It’ll cost about 50 miles there and back daily,
But should be almost all highway.
Which honestly I have no idea how I’m not squeaking more during these deliveries already $

So I’m gonna knock on wood all the time and pray that the ancients and angels got my back.
Not to leave out the aliens. 👽 
I’m sure they’ve got their own things to worry about though $$

It’s just it for some reason the ancients and angels seem to be pretty invested in my bullshit $

I think clarity is worth selling your soul for because that is likely why we are in this realm to begin with $$$***

Clarity is like a branch on the truth tree
Growing in the Devine garden $$

Whatever that means, lol $

I guess that means that you can’t write a divine comedy without living it first $$

It is 4:15 AM and I am beginning my wake up ritual
It is raining pretty hard
Which normally I’d be very grateful for..
Just not when I have to drive out to the sticks to a place I’ve never been before in the dark…. $

You know..
This might sound terrible…
But the more I think about it,
The more I think I’m not gonna go. $

Just the simple reality is starting to sink in.
Every minute I spend doing this role is a minute I lose doing the real work $

And originally, 
I was thinking that maybe I needed to do something else on the side in order to “be able to do more”
But as we speak, the website will be shut down indirectly due to having to plan and schedule around this $

I was thinking that perhaps having something else would help me “be more me”,
By setting boundaries between work and creative play $

I was thinking that perhaps this job would help solve some financial problem in the short term.. $

…
But any dollar I received from this company is not gonna arrive at least until two weeks from now basically.. $

What I’m seriously considering..
Is seeing if I can bump my onboarding until next week. $

The closer I get to the time I’m supposed to leave, the more clarity I am receiving.
I just don’t think there’s any way I will be able to get up five days a week at 3:30 AM and drive out into the country for somebody else $

I will gladly get up at 3 AM seven days a week and continue working at what I am doing tho
I also need to remember that I am objectively at a different point creatively.
It is the crux.
It is the hardest part, but it is the part I am arguably best at.
It is the part that I’m arguably most trained for. $

Ironically, this week a year ago, I did the same song and dance,
Navigating a job just to appease family 
just to have them not go completely nuclear that is $

If I don’t go, then I’m gonna have to weasel more with my mom.
And likely end up having to borrow more money.
It makes me sick, 
thinking that I might have to bend the truth with my family for financial means just to continue this madness.. $

But I would also argue that the madness is everything else I just outlined.
And that if they were somehow able to take the time to understand that they certainly would understand 
and that they would happily view things as an investment ..
 instead of viewing every dollar as an wasted expense $

I can’t decide for them, but..
When I throw logic to the wind and I listen to my heart, the answer is clear..
The energy is there.
I feel electric and excited thinking about blowing this fucking thing off and getting right back to work faster than I would’ve even if I would’ve been there $

I feel sick and depressed thinking about getting into the car in the middle of a storm (that we’ve been missing for months)
 to drive to a facility 
to do a job that is likely going to be replaced by a robot
(Or at least should be)
Just for about $1000 a month $

In many ways, I would still rather do that then coach when I am personally compromised tho $

But I am believing more every day than I am no longer “compromised” and that I am ready to ethically return $

Also, that’s obviously part of my secret evil plan by keeping such a large log..
Transparency and authenticity are worth more than anything $

I might seem crazy as a coach
But then I would just argue that you have not met many coaches $$$*

Or if you have then, perhaps they put up such a wall that it was hard to see beyond $$

(Better to write on walls than build them)

Anyhow
It’s 4:36 AM
I’m a quarter stoned
I am going to bail on another bullshit corporate job.
I’m going to get back to work which ironically, I already have been doing by even just writing this down.
I’m going to dash up enough miracle money to reactivate the site and begin publishing
a couple hundred more videos $

I really think I’m just gonna try to punt this orientation for a week by coming up with some bullshit.
I think that’ll split the difference and if I’m unable to do or make any substantial marketing progress, then maybe I’ll reconsider $

Draft to “Olivia from FedEx”:
(Fucking AI chick too)

Good morning,
I hate to start off by sending this message, but am going to miss orientation due to some unexpected health concerns. 
Could I attend the next orientation 
or one following once I fully recover? 

Please forward my apologies for any inconveniences

Lol email has been sent $

I swear I did not script this.
Any of this..
Talking about all the madness in my life.
But if there’s any truth to it,
Then shit is about to get crazy fam 
and I hope you well join me for the ride $

*Lighter flick $

It is raining cats and dogs out here $

I basically burst out into hysterical laughter when I consider the thought of getting into the jeep and rolling out into the deep $

On one hand, 
I was just describing how I was excited and optimistic for the role.
And how even the country back roads would be fun to drive-through again and reminisce about how I used to do it all sad like during real estate $

And now here I am, basically saying the opposite $

So which one is delusional? $

Obviously, the first.
But it wasn’t so obvious for so long.
I would normally crucify myself for how I’m feeling right now, 
which is actually the truth because of the timing $

Because when I wrote those previous lines, I was not in the current headspace or under the current circumstances that I am now.
And even the slightest change in circumstance can change pretty much everything as it relates to appropriateness $$

And also, I wrote those lines when we were still basically bone dry lol $

And I have plenty of notes talking about the drought from this season, and of course, the heaviest storm would roll in of this morning of all morning..
Almost like a sign 🪧 $

Almost like the last time this happened when I was stuck at that wellness place,
It was the end of a long shift and this nurse and I was about to ask the nurse I had been flirting to go hang out at the park after shift.
Which almost certainly she would’ve said yes based on the cues and signs and symptoms… 
But then what happens ?
The fucking Duke lacrosse team rolls in last minute on a Saturday And delays everything to the extent that we were scrambling until closing time.
And during that final closing scramble is when a brutal storm rolled And basically ruined any chance I had a scoring a date to the park 
And thank fucking God because she turned out to be a you know what.. $

I said it before, but I worked with everybody at that last place for 60 days.
We shared some concerns and some stories and some laughs.
And when I left due to my rapidly deteriorating health,
Not a single one of them texted me back…
And I sent them all pretty individual long text messages thanking them just for the time we shared $

(So who’s the real petty one?)

And that is the bullshit that I know I was about to walk back into $

If psychic shit does work, it only works at the right time and during the right circumstances $$

If this is nothing more than a challenge in self belief,
Then I hope my scribbling while smoking smoking in my Snuggie in the rain is testament to where I’m placing my belief $$

I will say that feminist and I do have one big thing in common,
The belief that “bitch ass men” are the biggest problem $$$*****

The one good thing about neuroticism is that you can always take it to the next level lol $$

Most will never warn you that inspiration burns usually like fire $$

(Cuz they don’t know what inspiration even feels like..)

Its 7:05 AM and we have just eaten a gain bowl
Feeling good fuel wise and energy wise, although I don’t think I have enough to justify any type of real training.
I probably will end up doing something in a couple hours after this digests tho $

I’m excited to get back to the creative work, although I find myself still trying to recover $

And as big of a game as I was talking a few hours ago about bailing on those boxes,
I now feel guilty just because I somewhat “gave my word”.
To parents and FedEx, that is.
But if there’s one thing I’m on this life to learn it is that you can certainly be too honorable for your own well-being
And end up spreading yourself too thin
Or burning yourself out $

Life is just a game of trading a lot for a little $$

It is 10:54 AM and we are on the way to the gym
Would have it No other way… $

You can tell who just did laundry before you can tell who showered $$

Unless it’s been a few days on the shower.. $

It is 1:31 PM & We have grabbed a pre-roll joint to see how that compares performance wise to the grams of flower.
I am feeling fantastic other than just stupid guilt and financial stress.
I am back in the cave, ready to get to work though with enough poison to continue on for now.
Just need a good podcast.. $

And of course we got Tim Burchett on the JRE
Who might be the friendliest alien senator out there $

Most common crime is probably just simply saying some shit you don’t mean $$$***

It is 8:13 PM
We are winding down another Hall of Fame day
Another day that I have forgotten that I have actually been awake since 4 AM..
And active since then too
I’m not complaining, but it hasn’t exactly been the fun Kind of active either.
I swear I could wake up at any time of the day and go train for as long as my body lets me.
But I only did maybe an hour functional workout sometime around midday before crawling back in the cave to keep clawing away $

Landed a couple pretty sweet dashes
Reinforcing my new strategy,
And if I’m gonna make pocket change every day, then I might as well do it conveniently.
And ever since getting extra choosy with my orders and focusing on everything that’s basically within my neighborhood or nearby, I’ve pretty much still making the same amount, but faster with less bullshit $

Dietary wise, I have been next to perfect.
Actually, you could call it perfect cause I haven’t had any cheating fuel or absurd, amount of supplements and electrolytes
Just a couple gain bowls $

Cannabis use is an all-time low
I even bought a pre-roll for five dollars instead of a gram for $10
Mostly because of the pricing and timing
Caffeine wise was basically two shots of squirt +2 bags of tea
And Kratom or seven hydroxy wise has been about 10 mg, maybe less
Overall it is less then last week albeit not by very much $

Those who are bald with big beards simply have their hair on backwards $$$******

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-8-26

58

Good morning world $

It is 1:22 AM
Weird vibes $

Not gonna lie
If there were crackers or cookies in this house, they would be in grave danger $

It seems like a prediction for the remainder of the day $

I don’t want to jinx it
But I’m due for a stress-free day any day now..
Might almost seem like a non-work day, except those no longer exist.
But between playing whack-a-mole with all of these utility bills, 
And being a creative emotional lightning rod, 
It has been a little difficult lol $

Yesterday I was able to hustle up enough cash to get the site reactivated 
I need a little bit more to secure some extra food and candy money tho $

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve had a good party.. 🎈 $

I feel like it’s been lifetime
Because honestly, it really has because most of the parties in this life have been pretty dull compared to what they could’ve been..
What they used to have been
… $
 
Anyone else been having a lot of Weird nostalgic memories of ancient Rome recently?
Or really whenever at any point in their life? $

It’s like a running joke, 
but if you ask the nearest dude how often they think about ancient Rome, the answer is gonna surprise you with how frequent and recent. $$

And I have an answer to that,
It’s simple,
It’s cuz a shockingly large amount of dudes were probably incarnated around that time.
Because the lifestyles are somewhat similar,
At these compared to Viking shit.
So it’s a little easier to get triggered $

For now though ladies and germs,
I have too much energy and not enough hunger.
I have just enough cannabis to challenge that though hehe $

I also have a cat who’s acting weird as fuck
But he is still the best $

I keep remembering that one night when he caught that mouse basically first try.
I have notes lol
I think it was early December.
But I was so proud of him
And then I was immediately concerned as why the fuck there’s an actual mouse in the house $

That was the second mouse I’ve ever seen inside.
Let’s just say the first one didn’t last too long after I bought all those traps… 🪤 $

For any concerned,
I have a peace agreement with all animals and insects regarding my house.
As long as I don’t see them and as long as they don’t do some fuck shit, then we’re cool.
And in the event somebody or something straggles out,
I promise to exhaust all reasonable available options to avoid killing it.
And only in a rare case cases will i resort to violence.
And with that being said…
I will not hesitate lol $

This is kind of obvious but might be controversial..
If killing is bad then there must be some form of it That is good.
Now I’m obviously using that “good” very loosely here so before you freak just hear me out.
But whenever you look at movies or games, there is a big difference between the killing that the hero does versus the killing that the evil villain does.
Nobody seems to really blink at this,
And in fact, the complexity and sophistication is really a big proponent as to why things are interesting and enjoyable $

You can think of “soldier in war” versus “fuck boy on the street” $

Except those two look a lot the same these days… $$

I seriously think you can contribute smoking technique to one of them reincarnated skills.
In the same bucket as any ritual - stick thing that you may have done in a previous lifetime, many different times.
Cigarette smoking is one of those things in which a heavy smoker Might light up 30 times a day.
Over 30 years, that is a lot of repetitions $

I think there are certain things that if you pay less attention to them,
Or sometimes in a particular set or setting, you may get a weird nostalgic sensation almost. $$

I think cigarettes are unique because of the nicotine association and the biological impact.
It almost makes you a little bit more alert and a little bit more cognizant for a bit,
Compared to things like alcohol, 
which would immediately dull you and begin to decay you from the inside out.
Eating obviously is one of the most ancient,
But sometimes when you’re hungry, that alone will cloud most judgment.
If you’ve ever been caught in a long drive through Line, then you know what I’m saying $

I say all that just say that when I go to light up a cigarette,
In these magical moments in the middle of the night,
There is a familiarity that cannot be mistaken $$

Part of me can almost hear the waves
Cause I know I would’ve been smoking a shit load when I was sailing lol $

I might end up having to get some rocket fuel later
We’ll see $

Was listening to a podcast,
They were talking about how women do FBI level investigation whenever homegirl gets a new boyfriend..
and I just have to laugh
Because I am envisioning the day that my next significant others’ friends are reading through all of my shit lol $

If that’s what’s happening at this point,
Then well I guess this is one of those “sorry not sorry” kind of things
🤷🏻‍♂️ $

Is 6:06 AM
Been a weird sleep night
Mostly cause I kept peeing
But that’s what happens when you have electrolytes for dinner
But I also feel nice and clear and clean cognitively $

*Lighter flick $

I think I’m in recovery mode though $

It’s probably a good thing that there are no Oreos nearby at the moment
Or maybe that’s a bad thing ? $

kind of crazy that the last 7200 cal of Oreos digested a little smoother than the gain bowls
But I guess that’s bio engineering food hacking for you $

I don’t know why everybody is so obsessed with biohacking when we’ve been doing it to our food for ages $$

The bitter truth is that usually dumb people are pretty tough
And sometimes, times require tough people
So you can do the math… 🧮 $$

Happy 3:11 PM
Currently trying to strategize how to feed myself lol be back later $

Eggs 4
Rice 5
Water 3
Electrolytes 5
Cat food 6
Fuel 4
27$

Dank 11
Poison 11
22$

Gas 10
Site 34
44$

93$
59$

It is 3:53 PM and we are leaving the lion now with a new box of Oreos 
a new thing of 30 eggs, 
two packs of cat treats 
five cans of cat food 
And a new pack of water $

Lol looks like the government followed through on its threat and released a lot of UFO files after all $

It is 8:10 PM
Those Oreos really came through and have restored my energy substantially.
I am doing some reviews and some intermittent dashes
Just took a salt shot to see how that compares to electrolytes $

I did it earlier and it went over really well actually
Whenever that salt hits right, you can literally see things more clearly
I mean that biologically and philosophically $

Electrolytes and all of that are cute and helpful, but you really are gonna need concentrated salt if you wanna burn for real for real
Salt tablets are great
But you can also just take some salt and put it in a capsule
Or take a pinch and put it in a shot glass $$

Sometimes though your body won’t recognize it, and will just pee it out.
So you may need to have a small bite of something sweet to get it to kick in better $

Which is why most electrolyte packets add a couple grams of sugar
That is actually a good thing $

If you’re training, it’s more likely to hit accurately
But if you’re at rest, then there is probably a 50-50 chance of your body just not even acknowledging it $

There is also a small chance however, that it can make you nauseous. 
 when on an empty stomach 
to be fair, it’s rare that you would be taking salt tablets with food so be cautious $

And if you do happen to take it on an empty stomach and the nausea does come on quickly then just remember-
 not to panic
Take a seat or lay down
Focus on breathing
And it’ll pass within a couple minutes and then you’ll feel like a rockstar $

But if you haven’t had it sneak up on you, whether mid training or mid lifestyle, then just heed my warning
It’ll come on quick and you might spurt up instead of having too much of a warning before you throw up 🤮 $

It’s usually liquidy cause you wouldn’t be throwing up if you had a full stomach so it’s not gonna be that painful
But many have thrown up despite best intentions $

But if you can get a good salt protocol down
I swear, as long as you are properly hydrated, you can stay in burn mode far more comfortably and efficiently $$

It is 8:46 PM
Just Smoking a stogie
I’m not gonna lie, if we actually valued mental health the same as physical health then today would’ve qualified for a sick day for sure.
This whole week has been very difficult even though it has been a good week productivity wise.
But I can tell the stress biologically is really starting to degrade me.
A calorie deficit is a little bit of an extra challenge although that’s going pretty well with what you could expect for the first couple weeks.
I’m confident that once I get my hydration dialed in smoothly and some of this stress sleep shit settled, that I’ll be better than ever $

But in the meantime, the race is not over and I’ve still got a couple more laps to go $

In a stroke of modern genius
And modern medicine,
I am watching “trailer Park boys”.
Of course I’ve seen it all,
Probably a few times.
But it’s been a long time
I’m not gonna lie, maybe it’s because I am already feeling a little low, but this is really making me miss my old friend… $

Who is dead lol $

He would laugh at me saying it like that $

If you’ve ever seen the show, just envision a slightly more intelligent version of “Ricky” $

Emphasis on slightly… $

He would laugh at that too $

He would often refer to me as “Julian” half the time
The other half he would say I was “J roc“ $

And truthfully, I can see his point $

It is 10:12 PM and we just had six eggs
They were glorious, but unfortunately had no rice.
I do have beans ironically but I’m not that crazy to eat them standalone $

That’s where I draw the line $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-9-26

59

Happy 1:47 AM $

It almost feels like a throwback tribute as I am watching “worst ex ever” $

Not the show in particular, but the theme.
You know, watching people date their worst nightmares.. $

Indirectly, it is very appropriate for today.
May 9
Of all of the days, this was the day that one year ago I officially resigned from my last job $

Or maybe I should say my last role of being a hostage $

I haven’t done the whole online dating thing in years, thank God, but even back then I knew to avoid “plenty of fish” 🐟 $$

Somehow, that was worse than Tinder $$

Don’t get me wrong,
I could still be eligible for the “swipe Hall of Fame“ just from the years of 2018 through 2020
But I swear, that one of the best things I ever did for my health- was to delete those damn dating apps $$

There are obviously about be a lot of notes and advice somewhat out of context so consider this a warning $

On that note-
If your significant other ever pawns anything of yours, don’t even hang around long enough to figure out why.
Just cut your losses and move on immediately !!! $

(Don’t know who needs to hear that but ..:)

The idea of “selling an animal” just makes me sick
Even though I understand that sometimes that is appropriate $

If anyone ever mistreats an animal in front of you then don’t hang around long enough to find out why
Just apologize to the animal and get away from the monster that you’re with $$$*

Anyone with neck tattoos has a criminal record $$

or wants you to think that they do
Which is arguably even worse $$****

99 times out of 100,
 anyone that asks you about your tattoos is just doing so as a prompt so that they can bring up theirs $$***

Five out of 10 times you’re gonna get a comment from the creepy gas station attendant $$

Nine out of 10 times if you’re a hot chick 🐥 $$

The gas stations that have the five dollar shots of fireball by the register are the best and the worst kind at the same time $$

Same with the ones that have alligator skulls and shit like that $$

I know it’s somewhat cliché,
But I have never met an casual cocaine user that was spiritually fit $$****

Anybody who cries and begs is never appropriate to be around $$$$$&&

It is tragic how the truly most heinous monsters have a habit of taking advantage of Hall of Fame level emotional idiots $$

In a perfect world, everybody would leave the relationship at the first red flag 🚩 $

A sign of true maturity is realizing that the police have just as much chance of making it worse than they do of solving the problem $$

So the episode that I’m watching,
Is about this “hot guy“ who takes advantage of these two emotionally insecure women and one man.
And they are adamant about how delusional they were because of how attractive he was.
He was a personal trainer and tattooed..
He was a smooth talker…
And also essentially a demon….
And not in the cute fun way either $

I don’t know if it’s arrogant or neurotic to say or to imply my own attractiveness,
But stories like this are partly the reason why I keep so many notes.
Cause I can tell most people already misjudge me just based on how I look.
And I don’t blame them honestly,
But if someone is willing to read this much, then they are allowed to judge me however they see fit. $

obese law-enforcement makes me sick $$

Obviously, there are some cases in which saying that would make me an insensitive shithead.
But come on…
If you’re ever 33% body fat then you should be in a mandatory Boot Camp for your own good $$$

Anyone who’s been overweight, but is not any longer will attest to the significance of said lifestyle change $$

I’d rather somebody hate me then be a liability to themselves and their family $$$

I’d rather piss somebody off today so that they could have their abs and Oreos later $$$

Most evil can be thwarted if people simply weren’t so scared of being inconvenienced $$$****

Fear of confrontation is one thing
But fear of inconvenience is something far more bitch ass $$$$$$$$$

Being too dependent on your routine is just being addicted to your own circadian rhythm 🥁 $$*

But having no routine at all is just fear of commitment $$

I’m gonna be honest,
If I don’t end up becoming one of the greatest philosophers of all time, 
then I have no excuse because there is so much content and props everywhere that it should be a layup $$$

I mean back in the days of Aristotle and Plato, I’m sure they had their hands full, but they did not have a smart phone in their hands 🙌🏻 $$

And man, I just think about what those guys would’ve done if they would’ve been around these days..
I hope it’s something along the lines of writing an exercise book
And a philosophy book $$

I mean, I imagine their prompts were along the lines of what to do when somebody fucks with your goat.
Or on a bad day, actually fucks your goat… $

And they clearly laid the foundation for our current philosophical paradigm.
Despite the many attempts that there have been from the bitch ass CIA agents to rewrite shit. $

(To be distinguished from the cool CIA jokers who are adept to the game & the Fuckery at the highest levels) $

But seriously though,
I think Jesus would’ve had a different conversation with his apostles if he caught them on “only fans” $$$

Tinder is just a gateway drug to only fans by the way
That should be obvious $$

I don’t think Jesus would understand the shame that comes with sending a super like if he never had a tender gold account $$$*****

Or the level of cringe that comes from the first daytime coffee date.. $$

(Or the 31st…)

I don’t think he would be hip to all of the ways of the dark side of the force if he was never formally trained $$

I do believe that we will soon effectively have mastered biology,
(In the way that modern medicine currently promises, 
but usually just pimps you out for the most expensive service or surgeon instead) 
And once we do have it to where we could essentially manipulate biology with better peptides and pills,
That’s just gonna make philosophy matter that much more $$

I don’t think science will ever get to the point where there will be a cosmetic shortcut for cognitive dissonance $$$***

And the delusion that you can get away without training and still be “healthy” $$$

It is 2:53 AM and just did a salt shot to see if it helps with the sweet cravings $

I’m also going to humble brag..
I’m unintentionally somehow gaining muscle mass and actually burning body fat $

To be clear, it’s at at a snails pace 
But I keep looking leaner 
and my clothes keep fitting tighter 
and the stones keep moving smoother $

I really think it’s just more of a matter of historical signaling.
I think just simply triggering my body to go into recovery mode and being in a very slight weekly caloric surplus,
Despite dipping routinely into a daily deficit,
Is rebuilding a lot of of the infrastructure that I once built years prior.
Proving that your DNA (or your eternal consciousness) remembers stress and remembers how to adapt to it quickly $

If I was a Jesus, 
I think I’d rather have the crazy people on the street corner with the signs on my team than the ones angrily scrolling around on the couch $$$

It is 11:05 AM and we are delivering some Showmars $

If someone ever puts you in a position that has you questioning their willingness, 
then they’ve already fucked up enough $$$***

Dead lifting your body weight is arguably the best self assessment there is.
Because almost always that is a very light lift, relatively speaking. (Activist level)
Therefore, 
the only people who are unwilling or unable are those who never even tried $$

The profane will never realize that you can lift your body weight probably within a couple weeks
 if not on day one $$

Roasting only burns if you’re sensitive 
Otherwise it’s just a TQ to add flavor $$*

Snooping to gather info is not bad as long as you’re not going out of your way to get in someone else’s $$

Snooping is not the same as investigating. 
Although is commonly misconstrued as such $$

It is 1:18 PM
Very weird Day fueling wise.
Besides the last round of eggs, I have had 0 cal all day.
And get this…
Zero caffeine too !
And get this even more…
No salt shots and only one bottle of electrolytes !
And I feel phenomenal
this is probably the definition of balanced because this would not be ideal to go do some heavy training But this is perfectly ideal to sit and do mental work apparently $

(Lol did you like the new exclamations?)

I got some more rice and electrolytes from Aldi’s earlier and even finished a bunch of edits in a parking lot without really thinking much of it.
Mostly because it was enjoyable
It’s pretty shocking or narcissistic to say that I enjoy reading my own writing $

Well, honestly, I’m just happy that I haven’t had any headache or moodiness or anything like that.
And if I’m being honest, I really do think that sleep is probably the culprit $

Last night was probably slightly better than average sleep
That was at the end of a couple days of shit sleep thanks to stress $

And that reminds me of how pretty much, for a year straight I didn’t really get much more than three hours of sleep at a time due to whatever bullshit was going on in my household.
That naturally contributed to the rationale behind thinking I needed Adderall $

If you really want to burn extra calories, then you shouldn’t focus on sweating but focus on warming yourself up $$

Sleepy fearmongers will have you thinking thinking that you’re fucked up because of a bad night sleep that you got back in 08 $$****

BitchassNess is deliberately choosing to look at the shitty side of things.
Knowing damn well that it doesn’t help anything even if it’s “true” $$$******

Everybody goes to clown College.
It’s just that Not everybody graduates 🎓$$*

If you do not pace back-and-forth when on the phone, then I know you’re not talking about something serious $$

A suburban stare down is when one dad thinks another dad is staring at him so they stare back, increasing the stalemate $$

If it can’t be done for fun or function, then you probably shouldn’t do it $$

It is 2:10 PM and we should be somewhere right around $33 on the dash on the Day $

Delivering the Dank smelling pizza is pretty hard when you’re fasting I’m not gonna lie.
But I’ll gladly do this exercise again and again if it means burning off some of this bitchassness $

The goal is at least $55
That is to refill the candy jar and reactivate the website
But honestly, I’m just gonna keep pushing the best I can $

Another amazing gain bowl in the books
This one was fully loaded
Extra dank $

We don’t need more decision-makers,
We need more decision discipline $$

It is 5:20 PM and I just got bit by a dog for the second time doing a delivery 😡 
This one hurt and that motherfucker broke skin pretty bad 
I’m surprised I’m not bleeding
I’m actually pretty angry, but I’m just trying to let it go $

I actually am bleeding a little bit…
and the motherfucker ripped my flannel.
I really not that concerned about the actual wound except the fucking bacteria or whatever bullshit and I’m pretty sure I don’t have a first aid kit $

…
..
.


That is not entirely the complete truth as I was able to find some rubbing alcohol and a few Band-Aids that should suffice. $

And I know it’s something small and simple but there’s something every nostalgic about patching up wounds… $

The first time I got bit by multiple dogs, 
but I had on such baggy clothes that it really didn’t hurt.
And I was moving quickly so they couldn’t really get a good grip $

This one started out cute 
Doggie ran up to my door as I didn’t even get out of the car.
Once I opened the door, the dog was clearly too strong for the girl holding it on the leash and basically jumped on me.
Again, at first, it was cute and I was like “oh cool hi puppy”
And then very quickly grabbed my arm and tried to jerk me out of the car. $

(But failed thanks to me pummeling properly.
Thanks again daily MOBILITY) $

I handed him his Bojangles and then left.
If there was ever a time for an additional tip, this would be it lol $

I am cool now and I’m really wasn’t all that angry
But I am legitimately traumatized, and won’t ever be the same again 😂 $

 I’m intentionally trying to sound dramatic because I’m not actually feeling emotionally dramatic.
Which is partly the problem.
That event legitimately triggered that part of my lizard brain tho.
And now I will have to practice a renewed sense of apprehension with strange dogs because I was getting too friendly..
This one wasn’t my fault but serves as a good reminder $

I just think it’s funny how I can’t even run to Bojangles without picking up some trauma lol $

It’s a good thing I’m even better at handling it than I am that accruing it $

Every dash is a test of some sort,
And I was running my yap about some bitchassness earlier, so I guess it’s a good day to practice what i preach $

It is time for my next meal of “electrolytes and optimism” lol $

A comfortable prison is always more dangerous than an uncertain adventure $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$******

The profane will never understand that there is a proper technique for getting up after you’re knocked on your ass… $$*

It is 9:24 PM
And just had an extra large gain bowl with nine eggs and a little rice and beans and butter
It was pretty aggressive, not gonna lie.
Somewhat difficult to finish eating, But I did it.
And I was basically perfect all day running on my electrolytes and body fat.
I am craving the cookies mostly emotionally though $

I also just realized that I basically have taken the last two days off of training.
Which has helped me reduce my calories and catch up with my recovery.
Although I’m starting to get a little Squirrley, so I’m gonna need to do something tomorrow $

I am still not fully able to let go and unwind, though as I’m desperately trying to get enough to pay the power bill and the website activation subscription $

I’m probably gonna have to go rest here soon and try to have a nice little Saturday Sesh so I can have a full emotional gas tank for tomorrow $

I have no idea what I’m gonna do for Mother’s Day.. $

I feel like I should count spiritually as a mother with having to be impregnated with this undertaking lol $*

I am also looking at one of the biggest juiciest slugs I have seen in a while, creeping near my front doorstep. $

And I just got attacked by a moth when I was having impure thoughts about what to do with the slug $

I do not intend to torture him with the salt.
I just hope he stays outside because I fucking hate dealing with them inside the house $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-10-26

510

Happy 3:46 AM $

Happy Mother’s Day $

Happy second Sunday of the month $

We are watching trailer Park boys lol $

Which is basically the early 2000s young white male equivalent of “love after lockup“ $

Just to reiterate, the only reason why I watch that show is because it’s the first thing that pops up whenever I turn on the TV box
It was a pretty smart move by the propaganda peddlers $

You always gotta be careful of the propaganda that finds you
Usually, the propaganda that you find on your own turns out to be true $$*

What a lovely evening for a cigarette
It is 4:09 AM therefore there are still 11 minutes left on the day $

And just come to think…
I was going to be stacking boxes at this time if I didn’t bail out earlier this week $

the math with the side hustle would’ve been-
$18.50 an hour for a 20 hours a week
30 minutes and 25 miles away
Five days a week from 4:30 AM to 8:30 AM $

Sidenote, if anyone needs a side job and it’s OK with doing those terms out Indian Trail, then apply to FedEx cause it was an easy hiring process lol $

I do truly feel bad for ghosting them.
I tried emailing the recruiter, but I’m pretty sure it was just an AI agent.
Therefore, that reinforces probably why it was not wise to go work for something so impersonal..
The one person I did talk to could barely speak English $

I can just feel the old man inside of me yapping away from his old recliner lol

But AnyWho,
I’m gonna have to duck and Dodge family because they’ll just crucify me for choosing to return to coaching during those hours instead of loading containers or some shit $

Just another sidenote for anyone reading this,
Cause honestly, I have no idea what I’m marketing or what availability I’m promoting or where things have directed me by the time you’re reading this, 
But there are a few things I’m good at in this world,
And they are really just different ways to lift heavy stones.
 Without fucking yourself up, of course.
Also, I’m very good at handling real world stress, and bitchassness in all of its forms.
I have been a coach, a mentor, and a trainer for over 13 years now.
I have worked with hundreds 1 on 1
In just about every setting you can think of.
I took a year off, however, to fully embrace the “starving artist phase“ and to button up a bunch of things as well as finally conquer some old cognitive pathways..
And you know, just simply write lol $

Cause anyone who’s ever wrote learns quickly there ain’t nothing simple about the invisible resistance $$

And To reiterate, 
I blame nobody other than myself and hold nobody responsible for the biological bullshit that I brought up upon myself last year.
A little over Four years ago, psychedelics saved my life, But About three years ago, I found myself pursuing a relationship that was basically the universe’s greatest emotional training experience $

And as a true philosopher, and in spirit of true open-mindedness, I was willing to leave no stone unturned to save the relationship.
And one thing led to another, 
and basically I came to believe that Adderall was the solution to the triggers.
And basically, I’ve had to spend the last year rebuilding myself biologically after coming off of the real poison..☠️ 

And during this past year, I’ve had to confront some family illness and trauma drama that would push anyone pass the brink.
And it’s been extra hard doing it all at the same time and therefore I could not ethically continue to coach and get to the bottom of all of this ridiculous ridiculousness
And you know continue to write… $

But while biologically, I have rebounded fairly well and have been good for a while comparatively speaking,
The creative work required at least an extra six months.
Which really just required me to deliver pizzas to survive 😂 $

But I do it all again with a smile if it meant creating “the resistance games” $

Cause the training doesn’t even need a coach.
And that was the point,
To keep people from downloading shady apps, or looking at strangers crotches for inspiration $

But those that I do coach now, I am able to do so far more effectively, far more efficiently, and honestly, just far more entertainingly $

Loggin another bowl
This one with rice and butter $

Lost count of the other bowls if you know what I’m saying lol $

God is the ultimate algorithm
Which is why I understand why some people might fear that we’re going to accidentally create it in a computer lab.
But there’s no way.
God is why things happen a certain way,
Especially when.
Usually the causes for the effects that we see today were set in motion long ago,
And there were many different opportunities for things to go differently along the way.
So In order for something to truly lineup, it’s gonna require a long period of time of preparing of all the small tiny details.
That means there’s a hierarchy of principles in charge of how things play out.
And if there’s already a hierarchy then anything created at this point is automatically underneath the controlling layer.
And while I think there may be other planes of existences and other realms,
This one is on its own unique distinct path.
The pathway that has been carved long in advance
The only illusion is the belief in otherwise $

Any interaction with any other being is like looking in a mirror briefly,
Mostly emotionally,
But sometimes trauma can cloud shit So sometimes animals provide better insight into one’s true character than people $$

So whenever you see a cute little animal and you are suddenly overcome with love for it, just recognize that is how you were viewed by the Devine.
And anything above us on the celestial hierarchy $$$

There is nothing more Devine than proper practice of power $$***

It makes me really uncomfortable seeing all of my favorite podcasts Suddenly talk about the same topics at the same exact time.
Like this hantavirus shit.
Which has been going on for a little while now, but it’s weird when you see everybody post videos about it on the same day..
The same day that a bunch of UFO files get released….. $

The fact that in the past hour, I have done a cold shower and then immediately went to go pick up an order at McDonald’s, which was delayed by 15 minutes, and I didn’t lose my shit, is a major spiritual win $

Even with all of the blob monsters running around, I did not lose my cool 😎 $$

Introverts are more trustworthy than extroverts $$$*****

It is bad to be too nice
It is never bad to be too kind $$$****

The only painful part about mental illness is the time that it takes to unlock all of its great treasures $$

Those who use mental illness as an excuse or liability, fail to see the tremendous upside $$

But to be fair, if there was anything that is difficult to see the upside too it is mental illness because by definition, it blinds you lol $$

I am a kid again every time I go to train.
It is always the most exciting time.
Ironically, tho the time also seems to disappear $

It is 12:53 PM
And I gotta admit that this morning was pretty rough emotionally.
No real cause other than the fact that it had been about two days since I’ve exercised and I’ve been in a moderate caloric deficit during that time $

But it seems like a nice light session has pretty much cured it.
I had maybe two shots of squirt,
A couple hits of cannabis,
But all in all that is it.
And training was just an isometric session.
Also did another dash that was a little further and hotter than I’m used to and I did not complain or seem to mind it $

Considering that I’m not having to learn much new shit every day, I can tell I’m recovering even faster than before and simply repeating tasks is getting easier and easier $

It is very easy to repeat the same thing each and every day,
It is exponentially more difficult every time you add even one small new thing to that routine $$

if you’ve never heard the expression “the only thing you have to change is everything“ then I know you haven’t really been an authentic shithead $$$***

People can change, but it’s highly unlikely if they never work the steps.
And by highly unlikely, I mean higher than they ever used to get 
and that is saying something $$****

“Trailer Park boys” is the ideal background television when working
Don’t ask me, that’s just what the street science says $$

Ironically, if you play, devils advocate long enough, you come to believe in Jesus $$****

I think a show that just has people randomly go up to randoms and ask them the most left-field personal question that they can think of would do very well $$

The person doesn’t even have to answer it,
Just observing their own reaction when they’re put on the spot would be worth everything $$

you know what?
At this point, I think that if we simply forced everybody to both serve in the armed forces and in the government that would probably solve every problem forever $$$****

It’s kind of funny how many people are begging for Jesus to come back without realizing that he would be the most insane and intense personal trainer of all time $$$**********

If you can intellectually download things instantaneously, 
then it’s far more likely your downloading something spiritual, gradually and painstakingly $$

31$ @ 2:57

37 at 3:28

God is just law $$

It is 5:25 AM. Just finished a miracle run to the lion to get about 30 eggs and 60 cookies.
That is not a type-o $

Trying out the generic “ sandwich, cream cookies” instead of Oreos 
And got a couple different kinds $

Everyone loves riddles until their life becomes one $$*

It is 7:25 PM and I am leaving the park now after another small walk after another miracle Dash $

You can become an activist whenever you say you are,
So anytime you get up and go for a walk just say that you’re doing some very light zone two training.
And then, therefore, the streak continues. $$$

Reframe everything so that way you have a current streak going, and you’re not constantly restarting or falling out $$

It is 8:41 PM
We did it
Another miracle day, thanks to the angels and ancients, and most likely aliens
(AAA)
We scrounged up enough cash to reactivate the website and keep the power on $

I have no idea how my gas is still working and I continue to pray every day that it does lol but that’s a bit of a different story for now $

I am super grateful and very excited because while I still have a lot of publishing to do
And a lot of edits, of course,
I think the “heavy lifting” is complete for now
And maybe I actually will begin marketing something $

I am happy to report,
It is 9:38 PM and I am doing a suburban smoke off.
Which is when you can’t sleep whenever you’re supposed to, so you just take hit after hit until the problem resolves itself $$

Trailer Park boys is definitely top five greatest shows ever made $$$

They’re only two types of people who would disagree with that,
The Ones who have never seen it
And bitch ass motherfuckers lol $$

It is 10:36 PM
I’m still going strong
I just had six eggs and seven cookies
….
…
..
.
Okay 10 cookies now $

Time for another celebratory smoke,
This time tobacco $

I will confess that I am smoking a little bit more than I have been the first couple of weeks.
I’m averaging maybe three cigarettes a day for the past week.
Rarely more than half a cigarette at once tho.
But I’m noticing the correlation between days that I don’t sleep well and days that I’m really stressed out and how i smoke more,
And days that I trained first thing versus when I don’t $

Like today for example
Was the second night of decent sleep
And I ended up training late morning/early afternoon after doing a little running around prior.
Food and fuel wise I was in a slight deficit, running on fats but feeling really good.
And after training, I did not even think about a cigarette for a long time $

But earlier this week, there were a couple mornings when I would have a smoke basically first thing.
Not really because I was craving it per se but because I just kind of wanted it $

Not sure if this makes sense, but I crave more of the act of smoking & the ritual of stepping out and getting air or taking a break and all that more than the actual nicotine buzz.
Which is why I can only smoke half a cigarette cause I’ll start feeling icky $

But sometimes when I get in the zone, I can power through a whole one $

But back in the day I used to be able to chain-smoke.
At average, probably half a pack a day
But usually that half pack would be at night at meetings or dinner or kickbacks $

The second I start actually craving nicotine though is the second I start dialing it back $

I learned the difference between the ritual of smoking and an actual nicotine craving mostly through vaping $$

I consider myself lucky when it comes down to cigarettes because I truly can take or leave them with good reason.
And I assert my multiple lengths of multiple years abstinence as evidence. $

But vaping was harder to quit, and I was using the cheap gas station jewel shit.
The basic tobacco flavor and the lowest milligram they had.
And I was still a big baby whenever I couldn’t have my pacifier $

I actually ended up putting vaping accidentally after the third mushroom trip $

And there’s a chance I might rethink smoking after I get some shrooms again.
But I’m actually finding great benefit with the tobacco,
I do just need to be careful that it doesn’t creep up the more active and social I get $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-11-26

511

Happy 511
And happy 2:46 AM $

Here’s a fun fact
Did you know I’m about as close to 6 feet tall as you can be without officially being 6 feet tall? $

I’m dead serious
Basically, whenever I have on pretty much any footwear at all, I am officially over the legal limit $

But unless I have lengthened my spine about a quarter inch then technically I’m like 5 3/4 if not a little more $

I’m serious that I might need to do a precise measurement again because it’s been a couple years and I really do think that you can probably gain or lose maybe a half inch with proper alignment $

And when you consider for 13 years how much heavy ass weight has been on my back on a daily basis, both physically and philosophically, I think I might have a legitimate case $

Here’s another confession,
I’ve known this since I was in rehab…
But for a long time, I just rounded up and would say 6 feet when asked.
Mostly that because that’s what my license said.
And my license said that because that’s what I said when they asked hehe $

Once again with shoes, I am technically legal
But a couple years ago, when I started going back through everything in greater detail, I recognized this one day, and I had to admit to myself that even something as simple as that, I must be honest $ 

Sorry, I did not intend on just ripping a tangent like that
But that’s what came out
So that’s what’s down
And that’s what will get edited next week $

I just wanna warn the world if anyone goes back through to read the scribbles from late last year,
Let me just emphasize that they’re mostly scribbles.
Everything is pretty jumbled.
That was somewhat intentional because writing was so difficult. 
I was literally just trying to intellectually throw shit at the wall.
And I’m trying to refrain from going back and removing too much because I think the bad is just as important as the good $

And because honestly, this whole thing is like an inside joke with myself, so I hope there’s some value out there but I’m just trying to get my shit together each and every day lol $$

About 36 hours ago I had a gain bowl with nine eggs
Nothing wrong with the bowl
But let’s just say that it is wise to limit to six eggs.. $

I know I’ve already made a couple notes about it But it deserves another,
“Trailer Park boys“ is probably the most underrated, unknown, greatest works of art of all time $$

Happy 6:39 AM on what I am now going to call “graduation day”
Two reasons that of course sync up,
One, because this is the day I would’ve graduated from community college seven years ago if I actually wanted to attend the ceremony,
And two, because I just received that diploma after dragging my feet for years, mostly due to indifference, 
but my associate in arts degree arrived not long ago, and if there was ever a sign that it is time to turn the chapter on all this creative shit than what better ? $

I’m also pretty sure about 14 years ago this is when I would’ve received my GED $

ironic that I’m technically a high school dropout but yet I finished the high school “schooling” before all of my friends $

Ironic that I would end up going to five different academic institutions just to end up with the GED before I was 18 $

The rehab that I went to technically counts as a high school because I officially enrolled there.
I just happened to get discharged after a month instead of staying the expected 6 to 9 $

So when I got home, I was kind of fucked.
Because I had gotten kicked out of private school,
Thrown out of public school,
Failed out of online school,
& Swerved out of rehab school,
So I didn’t have any options left $

I hope this doesn’t sound too arrogant but that was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done.
I took the placement tests, which basically allowed me to take the true test immediately so I really didn’t have to do any work during the class.
I just had to wait for my results to come back.
So I actually just did a lot of step work $

Kind of crazy how much of that I forgot…
And I know it seemed like a joke to me then but it really is a very honorable accomplishment.
To not only finish school, but to do it sober
And to take advantage of that time in the class, even when I didn’t have to $

I’m having a pretty strong moment of nostalgia from all the time in school and class.
I could also argue that I’ve done as much schooling for real estate.
And it’s kinda hard to measure formal academic study with exercise because so much of it has been learning on the go and picking up pieces overtime.
But I’m confident that that amount of study would dwarf both academic and professional $

I did not need to study for sales lol
I broke every record They had within four months and they gave me my own team as a reward. $

I mean it is a half joke, but
My ego really does fit the mold of a World War II fighter pilot.
I really don’t think anyone who knows me would argue that.
And once I kind of started considering the absolute preposterous idea that maybe somehow karmically speaking, I am my maternal grandfather reincarnated, that is when things started to make sense on levels that are really quite profound $

Part of my secret to writing all of this is having AI sort it and give me a good structure to go back and build off of later.
I have not actually begun that part of the process yet.
I am still just somewhat dumping everything as disorganized it comes out.
But I’m going to go back and have it compile all of the synchronistic evidence and put it together and a nice little presentation $

Levels of dopamine:
-Staring at wall because you can’t mange anything else
-Hating everybody and everything for no real reason
-Squirmy like a wormy
-“normal”
-Basically a mime (stoic af)
-Chatty Cathy
-Staring at the wall because it’s the most fun thing to do $$*

Just thinking about how for years I would be the guy going to the restaurant for lunch everyday and now I’m the guy grabbing the delivery
And it is far better to be dashing than dining.. $$

(7/10 times lol^^)

obviously, I’m not trying to be a Dasher for the rest of my life
It’s just better to not be dependent on fuel I don’t need 
and I’m just glad I no longer eat my feelings $

You really cannot out train a bad diet
But you can come pretty damn close and get away with a lot of shit for a long time $$$****

It is 11:10 AM and we are on the way to the gym $

Scent is different than stink
But that is a very delicate game $$*

Things that matter more than how much weight you use:
-How often you go
-What you eat beforehand
-What you’re wearing?
-Who else is in the gym? $$$***

It is 12:53 PM
just need to log an amazing and reasonable workout
Was the three of fire
🔥 $

I just realized something,
Oreos and cream cookies actually have a little bit of fat in them, which should be obvious, but I’m just now considering it and I think that amount of fat actually helps them digest slower.
Wouldn’t it be funny if I could eat a box of Oreos and still be in ketosis? $

The most painful thing in the world is being the best at something is not being recognized for it…
At least that’s how egotists behave $$$*

I would argue salesmanship is much harder than standard magic or comedy,
Because any good salesman can pull a rabbit out of a hat and make a prospect giggle,
But very few can convert more than three different no’s into a single yes $$

Salesmanship requires you to build an entire emotional frame that way you can trap the prospect when they inevitably squirm due to their own fear of decision-making $$

The trick is to build the frame without somebody catching onto what you’re doing.
But it’s actually pretty easy if you understand emotional management.
Because you can simply ask them a question that you know is going to trigger some part of their brain,
And when they go to think about whatever that is, they are essentially blind in that brief moment.
Both literally and intellectually.
And that that’s how the sleight-of-hand magic really works
But it is much easier to do with a prop and much more difficult to do with a proposition $$

And here’s the kicker-
Try selling a high ticket non-exciting necessity item.
One that nobody actually wants to buy,
One that is usually so expensive, it requires reasonable planning and preparation and consultation with significant others $

So whenever you’re doing that, you’re dealing with a prospect that is already disinterested.
Who already has an emotional guard up,
Who is actively looking for the first opportunity to get away from you $$

Very rarely are magicians having to convince somebody to watch their tricks.
Usually strangers will donate their attention for as long as they have the time.
The level of fear involved with observing a magic trick is completely dissociated from ego and identity $$

I guess well maybe not always..
cause you have some critics and skeptics who would instantly implode if they ever had to admit they were wrong about their original presumption..
But that’s another tangent $$

It is 2:04 PM
Just smashed a bunch of cookies as the post exercise energy request just came through
And I figured it was only fair $

I have complete conclusive evidence that you can not only survive, but thrive on pretty much eggs and rocket fuel alone $

Obviously, you don’t need the rocket fuel for baseline health, but I would argue that having that to support activity,
To support routine recovery cycles,
To support spiritual health,
Is far worth the super cheap price tag $$

If I could erase your memory of pain outside of the moments in which you were actively experiencing it, then it would lessen at least 9x $$

Happy 8:28 PM
Another Hall of Fame productivity day
Currently enjoying the sunset and the beautiful violet clouds.
And a smoky smoke 💨 $

I will confess that I think these last batch of cookies are probably a one time deal.
I think they are much higher in the actual poison ingredients than the cinnamon graham crackers or double stuffed Oreos.
Energy has been higher and stronger than expected, which reinforces my theory that they are stronger and more concentrated $

Also, I’m bloated as fuck lol
And I haven’t eaten anything else today besides cookies… $

Like I say all the time this isn’t a health website..
It is a documentation / autobiography lol $

Also, sidenote, it is quite chilly
Must be high 50s
Cause I’m a little shivery $

I had to do some dancing earlier unexpectedly to combat the energy surge, which also reinforces my calorie theory about those cookies $

But ADHD is no longer a match for these moves. I’ll tell you that. $$

Happy 9:32 PM
Just been chillin for a little bit watching “bloodline“.
I’m not saying that my motivation has disappeared, but it’s almost like the energy is gone for the creative work.
Not necessarily in a bad way.
Of course, my ego just wants to power through and somehow effortlessly crank out a bunch more stuff tonight in some kind of twisted financial hope that I can get back to work overnight $

Which is a half truth
I’m sure once things are buttoned up that they will move at their respective speed.
But the hardest part about this entire process is resting long enough to recover.
Whether it be physical, mental, philosophical and financial $

All training related matters aside,
And all family related trauma aside,
I am actually very grateful for the past year of the “starving artist phase” just for purity.
Just for how much bullshit it has burned away.
Of course, all burns hurt at first, so if I was not forced into the cave or did not have an incentive large enough to eat an ungodly amount of eggs, then I would not have been able to grow in the ways that I am most proud of $

I considered myself a pretty disciplined motherfucker before all of this.
Weight training every day,
Stone cold sobriety in your late teens & early 20s during the hardest years &
Surviving the rise of social media and dating apps without kids or STDs,
Working nonstop to the point where even social activities became work and networking.. 
but there’s just simply no way I could’ve abstained from the distractions long enough to gain the insight that I have by my self $

So shout out to the angels and ancients and aliens for all of their assistance (AAA) $

I am excited to get back to the front lines in the war and Fuckery
With what feels like a new promotion
…
A big one ☝🏻 $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-12-26

512

Happy 2:34 AM $

What a magical time $

The only problem with this magical time is that sometimes it might make you forget that other times are also just as magical $

My first announcement,
Is just simply to reiterate the healing power of cannabis and “trailer Park boys”.
& It would seem that there is a recovery multiplier the later in the evening that you watch the show.
But it is effective at all hours $$

My second announcement is that not all cookies are created equal.
It’s pretty shocking how different this batch is digesting compared to my normal double stuffed Oreos.
I’m going on 12 hours now without any other food just because of how bloated I am really lol.
I mean, energy wise I’m still rocking, but this is very uncomfortable $

In some ways, it makes me feel a little bit better that I’m not crazy the other times.
This is what should happen when you’ve binged a bunch of cookies…
So I’m not upset as I am fully accountable for my actions here $

And I’m just glad it’s not worse 
knock on wood 🪵 $

It is enough to get me to be a little bit more motivated on eating real Foods so that’s good too.
But I’m sure I’m gonna need more rocket fuel before long.. $

My third announcement, although it might not make much sense right now,
Is that salesmanship will teach you how to extract any information from anybody in any number of creative ways. $$

Whenever you are probing a prospect, you must know how to handle a defensive one.
A broadside attack will never work with these types as they will see it coming and just increase their defenses. tuning you out. $$

But you can kind of sneak and slither to the side and gain their interest.
 you just have to ask somewhat unrelated questions until their guard drops and then they’ll tell you anything $$

The secret is that there are no unrelated questions in sales.
Asking somebody about the weather can give you tremendous insight into their personality type and if they’re gonna come up with a spouse hesitation $$

Asking somebody about what they don’t want, will tell you more about what they do want, 
Than if you just ask them what they want that is $$$***

My fourth announcement is that it is better to be an honest fuck up than it is to be a dishonest success $$$*****

“Nobody likes to hear how the world really works
Which is why is best to baptize them by fire and make them work for enlightenment”
-the ancients $$$*

Not sure where this memory came from,
Just had a nostalgic flashback to doing community service at this rehab in East Charlotte.
I was most excited to alternate between benzodiazepines and opiates during my morning shift.
I remember, i would pick up cigarette butts where they had all their secret meetings and then sneak off in the cut to smoke a joint during lunch $

The irony is, I would soon find myself at the same center, usually on holidays, helping the homeless during marathon meetings lol $

If you’ve never been to a community outreach event on a major holiday, then I don’t really trust your judgment.
One of those “sorry not sorry” kind of things. cause you’re the one missing out, not the people you could serve $$$****

Plus, they usually have free pizza and shit like that $$

Bruh, it’s 49°
It’s also May 12
It’s also fucking North Carolina
What’s wrong with this $

Apparently, nothing cause shit like this happens all the time I guess $

It is 3:31 AM
Which is a super cool time
I was about to make a gain bowl, but I just feel too good energy wise, so I think I’m gonna try to ride it out.
I think I’ve actually burned off the direct energy from the cookies and I am in fat burn mode now somehow.
Yesterday’s power workout actually helped a lot metabolic speaking to keep my energy systems from lagging like they started to last week $

I should be down a little bit more fat comparatively to the last few weeks,
And I should be a little bit more efficient,
And I should be stronger,
And I actually think I am still a little bit bigger, lean muscle mass wise.
And that’s the unexpected part,
I did not expect to be still ripping flannels.
I do think the secret is basically muscle memory.
Cause I say all the time, but for most of my adult life, I walked around north of 180.
And for the last few years before the wild I was 205 and 10%.
Just couldn’t run multiple miles to save my life at that point lol
So if I’m actually gaining size it’s because I’m recovering more than I ever have $

As much as I train these days, it is laughable compared to what I was doing without even realizing it $

Not really bragging
If anything, I’m king of doing the most unnecessary things.
But if you do enough of them, you would get really good at realizing when you’re wasting time $

The master of all masters is just the one who has survived the most mistakes $$

Just saw a raccoon cross the street
Fucking sick $

You know it’s funny,
I think it might just be cold enough to have a triggered my metabolism to mobilize some more energy.
& You cannot tell me that tobacco does not help with that shit.
Tobacco is the working man’s drug after all.
I would argue historically, it even beats coffee or tea by a lot. $$

But I do think our civilizations hidden secret is that cannabis is the true miracle plant $$

Happy 8:07 AM
Here’s a hot take,
First of all, you should never “body shame”.
But that is distinctly different than roasting somebody for their own well-being.
And regarding body fat and obesity, 
I think it is overall helpful than harmful to roast your friends if you see them gaining bad weight.
And I believe it’s important to intensify that heat if they don’t get the message… $$

However,
At a certain point when somebody crosses a certain body fat percentage, then it just becomes inappropriate to roast them because they couldn’t solve the problem quickly even if they wanted to.
So that would just make you a dick and that would just make it harder on them to get started. $$

So I guess what I’m saying is that at a certain body fat %, you should be exempt from criticism because the pain from the lifestyle alone should be enough motivation $$

And sadly…
For someone to get to that point to begin with, requires a level of sick delusion.
Not always bad character, but usually some kind of trauma that has completely eroded the safety rails regarding energy consumption $$

So usually this person will see just about anything uncomfortable as an attack and is more liable to react dangerously.
 to the point where it doesn’t even make it worth it.. $$

But if someone can still turn it around or if someone is getting a little naïve and arrogant about their physique, 
then I say put them on blast 💥 $$

as long as you have your shit and order first… $$

Old military dudes are all tough until they have to take health advice from hippie chicks $$$**********

Referring to psychedelics mostly
I am Both terrified and excited to see the medical establishment get involved $$

It is 9:35 AM and we just did an electrolyte and squirt run by Aldi‘s and are about to head to the park to do some baby sprints
Then planet to do some twists $

Most fitness freaks that you see at the park are not athletes,
They’re real estate agents and general managers, and truck drivers $$***

I’d wager that everyday bros train harder than most professionals .
Mostly cuz that’s all they have to look forward to in their day to day 😂 $$$****

…. Ask me how I know lol $

There is a fine line between curious and pervy…
And honestly the only real defense you have is your own attractiveness $$***

BitchassNess is just the least and worst effective use of the truth $$$******

“But I already did that…”
“I don’t have to today…”
“But what about me…” $

Bitchassness by definition always contains some elements of the truth.
It’s just that the truth is being weaponized to justify something avoidant and lame $$*

It is taking me 30 years to learn how to listen to the quiet inside voice than the loud needy one $$

Because if it is the right thing to do, even the quiet voice will admit it, but rarely will it be loud obnoxious one $$

It is 11:55 AM and I am leaving the gym.
When an amazing morning.
If you wipe my memory, I would not know I have not eaten anything in nearly 24 hours.
And if I did not read all of my notes, I would not recognize that the calories consumed came from cookies 🍪hehe h

The sprints at the park were a joke
I’m talking effort wise as I was not tracking analytics.
And I did some nice functional twists, and what not
Basically the “king’s” work out $

On one hand,
The truthful side is almost always the most quiet because the truth doesn’t have to speak.
On the other hand,
Those overly truthful motherfuckers have been a little bit too quiet and we’ve had too many dumbasses with microphones for so long now that it is hard to tell the difference $$

Whenever you make something somebody else’s problem just because you can, 
means that you just basically surprised somebody else with extra shit because you didn’t want to deal with it. $$

And just the principle of knowing that you have to be on guard because of other people‘s intentional shortcomings, is enough to put a damper on anyone’s day $$

that’s still no excuse for not “being the change you wish to see in the world”.
That’s just some extra philosophical resistance seasoning $$

I love pendulums
Mostly because they never stay still.
And they’re constantly going from one extreme to the next.
& the ride between the polarities is pretty damn fun if you can get out of your own way $$

I have essentially successfully fasted for 24 hours
On accident… $

Like I noted already,
I am quite confident that that last batch of cookies was at least double the calories that I’m used to.
And double the poisonous ingredients..
So it was actually pretty easy to abstain from eating because my tummy was upset lol $

I’m just kind of surprised with how good the last couple workouts were.
And my overall energy level
And knock on wood, but without any crashes to report $

I did just finally have a standard gain bowl though
And I am feeling pretty damn good $

Food taste three times as good if you can go a day without it lol $$***

I am just more and more convinced that your body can store more nutrients and amino’s in your subcutaneous tissue besides just fuel.
Cause if my body wasn’t somehow still repairing itself, I’m certain I would be far more sore, and I would not literally be gaining muscle and repairing my engine as well $

On a normal disciplined day I probably take about 140 to 160 g of protein conservatively.
Not really counting snacking.
Which is solid, but that’s still about 50 Gs less than what I pretty much I’ve taken in my entire adult life.
I also can’t even remember my last protein shake
Or pre-workout for that matter at this point… $

But on a late day or fasted day, I must be half that at best
And over the course of a week that does compound $

But my recovery issue has been motivation more than it has been soreness.
And physically, I am far bigger and stronger than I really expected to be considering the type of training I’ve been doing all winter.
But I guess that’s muscle memory for you $

If life is a simulation, then we are just in the process of downloading our true selves $$

Happy 4:16 PM from the third Sunwalk of the day
It is freaking gorgeous
It’s the perfect temperature to if you’re in the shade you’re cold, but if you’re in the sun, you’re perfectly warm and not too hot $

I’m making it a personal goal to get these legs tan this year.
Will that happen?
Most likely not..
It’ll be interesting to see the tan line from the flops by the end of the season $

Last year was pretty substantial. not gonna lie
But literally, I was so depleted over the summer that walking was basically the only thing I could do $

If you wanna spoil something with love, then it has to be a pet.
If you do it with a child, then you’re gonna create a serious problem for the rest of us $$$**************

It is 9:35 PM
Pretty good day overall $

Just thinking about how we could probably find some balance between the Amish and Dubai $$$

Just thinking about how we really don’t need all kinds of super fancy technology to fix shit,
Just need people willing to own up to their shortcomings $$$*

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-13-26

513

Good morning world $

It is 2:44 AM
It is sleep intermission $

I swear to God,
I really am not sure how they do it
I had basically sworn off making another note about it
But it’s just so cringe worthy
My face hurts
I’ve never seen human beings this organically disgusting..
All I needed to do was change the channel.
That wouldn’t have taken no more than about 10 seconds to open the Netflix app.
That was 21 minutes ago… $

I’m talking about “love after lockup”.
I think the time has come that I have to switch the default channel back to that fugitive show.
Because watching inmates escape from prison is healthier and watching them!try to have a relationship $

Kidding aside,
I’m feeling good but a little low emotionally.
Creatively speaking I’m just somewhat exhausted but very satisfied with the work, so that is way better than the alternative. $

I’m doing a smoke off
Or maybe you could consider it a smoke-a-thon $

Part of me doesn’t even care, but the other part of me feels like a failure for not scrounging up a couple hundred dollars to pay an overdue gas bill. 
I will be truly shocked each and every day they do not cut my shit off, but we’ll see.
I am pretty hungry and if I had the proper food on hand, I probably would be eating a lot right now, but instead it has been eight hours since the last meal.
I don’t think I need the food physically but more so emotionally.
I’ll let you know when I get hungry enough for eggs and rice lol $

Fuck this shit
It’s 3:09 AM
I’m gonna watch people play with axes and boats in the cold $

*starts “Vikings Valhalla” $

Kidding aside there really is a lot of weird comforting nostalgia whenever I’m watching people suffer in a castle 🏰 $

I swear to God that we got our months backwards this year
And that May is behaving more like April
And April was a lot like May
With that whole 90° weather snap three weeks ago
And now it’s in the high 40s and low 50s $

It is 3:33 AM now & time for a cigarette.
Just heard a pretty loud horn that sounded like a semi mating call
I love the quietutde of the night $

At this point, I’m willing to argue that any negatives from cigarette smoke between the hours of 9 PM and 9 AM, Simply don’t count. $$

For some reason, my mind is wandering to the super cool owl that was hanging out here during the snowstorm
And a little bit afterwards
Jeffrey is his name
I miss him
Lol $

Just did some mobility a little bit ago
And I’m telling you, if you don’t believe in energy points from mobility before stretching when you’re sore, then all it takes is a session or two when you’re crispy and you’ll be a believer $$

It’s crazy What a long firm stick can do.
Especially when you combine it with a short fat one $$*

Here’s a fun experiment
How much “trailer Park boys“ can one man consume before getting tired of it? $$

Few shows have made me laugh out loud as much as this show $

I will confess, however, that “Rick and Morty” is still probably one of the greatest shows ever made.
At least before season seven, because I stopped watching it.
I am not familiar with any controversy with the creator, so I’m speaking strictly the beauty of the first six seasons at least.
After failing to get into it for years,
I rewatched that show so many times in the first few months of mystery school $

If you never seen it then just know once you make it past the first episode it gets amazing $$

I need to go back through that soon for sure… $

I will also confess that I think I’m officially hungry enough for more eggs and rice $

I just can’t believe how demonized weed smoking is
Honestly, if your teenager was going to get into some shit, you want it to be weed related $$

Now to be clear, I’m excluding all the criminal bullshit.
Because only those who demonize it and criminalized it caused all the problems
But that’s a whole Nother tangent for another wall $

I’m talking about once you treat it the same as you would coffee or tea, then you’ll be shocked at it’s capabilities $

It’s 100% safer than energy drink drinks,
100% safer than anything out of a vending machine,
(Or any nutrient that is delivered inside of a cafeteria setting) $

It prompts creativity,
It calms down those fuckers that need calming,
It regulates metabolism,
It humbles the ego,
It magnifies the beauty in each and every moment,
It provides a special aura of protection against bitchassNess,
It honors the ancients and the aliens involved in its creation,
& When you use a bong, it quite literally harmonizes the four elements in true alchemy $$

The plant alone provides enough building material for just about anything you need.
It can disrupt any industry that promotes actual poison.
I mean, really I can go on and on $

And of course, obviously it isn’t for everybody…
Just like some people can’t eat peanuts.
But that doesn’t take away the health benefits & the beauty of pB&js for everybody else $

I would also argue that if proper scientific resources were devoted to its study and all things downstream of this magical plant,
That we would likely uncover the keys to curing just about every other psychiatric disorder. $$

So if the only argument against cannabis or THC is, it’s incredibly small, but potential risk for psychosis and of the like,
Than likely, the solution to that problem is nearby as well $

I am also convinced that psychedelic technology is the key to the future $$$

The goal of technology is to make things easier,
 But it Doesn’t get much easier than moving shit with your mind.
You could say Doing shit with a phone and with a team is about as close as it gets before you actually start interfacing with the quantum.
At least faster than you already do $

So the only reason why you would slow down the speed of consequence is for learning $$

Which is what I think is happened to a technology.
Equivalent of taking a grenade out of the hand of grade schoolers..
And I think a lot of people will have trouble admitting that they are not responsible enough And have too much self development left to do before they are ready to instantaneously confront the consequences of their own decision-making $$*

Meaning once most people find out that if you meditate a certain way,
And live a certain lifestyle, 
That you can do some reality bending shit,
They’ll simply think they missed out and miss all of the benefits of the work that they have already completed.
To the point where it ruins their sense of meaning… $$

Most people only gain a pound or two of extra weight each year, they just never actually burn anything off $$*

If you gain a pound a year, but don’t burn anything, then I have terrible news for you once you get old enough $$$

Most gain at least 10 pounds a year if they’re not careful… $$$

If you are obese, you should be prevented from working in healthcare until you were no longer obese. 
Pretty simple you ask me $$$*****

Imagine being mad that you cannot be a hypocrite $$

Imagine blaming others for “your problems” and yet “your problems” can barely fit through the door $$

If you’re getting mad at somebody else, but struggling to buckle your own seatbelt, then your problem is more psychological than physical $$$******

If you are struggling to clean your own asshole, do you really think that means your behavior is going to be different during your day? $$$

If you are a threat to yourself then what value do you think you are offering others? $$$

I would argue that the only thing I need to know from somebody is “how many times have you admitted you were wrong“ $$*****

Wisdom means that you can accomplish more with less.
So if you have more than others but perform less, then that just speaks to your true intelligence $$$

Reasonable and appropriate Discrimination is the actual only superpower $$

Judgment wise,
If you just rushed to apply that statement to racism,
Before applying it to literally anything else first,
Then you’re proving my point $$$

A power is not very powerful if it cannot be Weaponized for evil $$

A victory without a terrible alternative is usually not very meaningful $$

Where there is light, there is always shadow.
Otherwise, there is nothing in the room to begin with $$

Star Wars is arguably one of the most genius “fiction” storylines of all time $$

(Sorry I meant “CIA preparation propaganda”) 

But…
the outcome would have been very different if they just used actual bullets instead of plasma pistols…
Just saying $$

I think health span is directly correlated with jawline $$

If you have no chin, then you do not have as much time left as you think 💭 $$$****

I’m not saying you’re a bad person, 
I’m saying you are a sick person.
But if you think sick people are by default bad people, then you are a bad person $$$***

If you feel like shit today, that just means that there is a day in the near future to where you will feel absolutely incredible.
All you have to do is work for it… $$

Repeating the same task over and over again and expecting a different result is not just the definition of insanity, 
it is also the primary belief system of most people $$*

There’s nothing wrong with working in an office unless you actually don’t want to be $$

The majority of what we were actually supposed to do is disrupted by “what we think we should do” $$

If you derive pleasure from the pain of other others, then you’re a special kind of “lil bitch”.
And you have no idea the hell you are creating for yourself in the future $$$

If you have more experience talking shit, than you have of actually serving others, then that makes you a bad person $$$

I’m done with all of this “there’s no such thing as a bad person” bullshit.
Of course there are bad people,
Because there are so many truly good and decent people $$

Some of these bad people are so bad that they outweigh the good of the majority tho.. $$

only the most bitter think the bullshit is winning
…
That’s why they’re bitter $$*

Those who sag their pants are either~
A- so dumb they don’t realize the message they’re sending,
B- know exactly what they’re doing and desperately want to take something up the…. 
you know what $$

I don’t know what’s worst,
Being delusional but confident enough to sag your pants, 
Or being timid and insecure enough to hang out with somebody who does 👖 $$

You can tell a lot about somebody based on their shoes $$

Generally speaking, 
the nicer, the shoes, the worst the character $$**

On principal, The more they pay for their shoes, the more they avoid physical labor $$**

But if you are the one person who likes to devote all of your money to super advanced high-tech footwear just to be able to work hard in crazy environments, 
Then I am happy to walk that last statement back if you would kindly message me so that way we can also smoke a joint and kick it cause you sound cool as fuck $$$

If something is made with the same materials,
 in the same place, 
with the same people,
 during the same timeframe,
 to the same standards, 
then what would make something inauthentic? $

The courier does not determine the product.
Or does it? $$

If you have to rely on a lot of different pills, pinpricks, or procedures, 
you are more of a science experiment than you are a free being $$$

If you would rather throw money at the problem than change your behavior just a little bit, 
then you are a bad person $$

If you unconsciously and indirectly divert to negative and destructive tendencies during times of stress and trauma, then you are a sick person $$

If you do both, then honestly, how the fuck are you even reading this line at this point?
How did you wade through everything so far? $

Unless…
..
.
You are afflicted.
I think if you fit the criteria of being a sick and bad person, then it is my duty to deliver your diagnosis $

It is stage three bitchassness of the mind.
It is gravely serious.
If you do not change your perspective, immediately, 
you will truly push yourself past the point of return $

Stage three means you are maybe only one or two major events away from absolute breakdown $

You are on strike two with those closest to you 
whether you know it or not $

Those at stage three cannot help themselves, but go out of the way to hate on anyone who seems happy.
They can’t understand it.
“How could someone be happy with all this crazy fuck shit going on?” $$

Mostly because it has been so long since they’ve had any form of meaningful win, they just project that paradigm onto the world and assume anyone doing well is doing so at the expense of other people $$

So if you or anyone you know has stage three bitchassness, it is incredibly important that you do some kind of service work immediately $$

(To avoid catching the contagion)

And whether you are willing to admit it or not, you should likely refrain from any mind or mood altering substances for at least three years $$$

Anyone who has never gone 12 months without a mind or mood altering substance simply does not fully understand themselves and never will until they do so $$$***

Most are addicted to the idea of something rather than the item or experience itself $$

420 is an amazing number, but a terrible gas price $$

Just met another cool dude at planet named P**
Talked about martial arts & bjj
Knows A**** from AOM 
Small world $

Just yell out something silly when you do something you’re not supposed to do.
And as long as it makes some kind of God laugh, then you’ll be all right.
Probably… $$

(My catchphrase is “Scooby dooooooo”)

The proper response to criticism is~
“As opposed to what“ $$

It is 10:10 AM and we have returned home from planet after a very reasonable workout of mostly functional body weight isometrics $

I’m telling you ever since I actually started doing 90° and str8 limb bracing isometric days, my recovery and my muscle mass have accelerated.
I think that is honestly the secret behind why I’m gaining lean size and I’m not really trying.
Because I’m still signaling the same recovery pathways and the same muscles, but the intensity is far more appropriate and precise $

I feel like life will give you plenty of bullets, but you have to build your own guns $$

You can use the same technique to climb down off your high horse that you can climb out of the pit of despair $$***

Knowledge without experience is just suspicion $$***

Life is competition
Which is why the losers are so loud $$

Some believe that it is easier to deny reality than it is to make the effort to change it 
Others would just simply rather work… $$

we have far more likely come from aliens than monkeys 🙈 $$$

Nothing more foolish than killing in the name of love
Unless it’s for dinner… $$*

If you need to make friends at a certain place, but you are too introverted for your own good,
All you need to do is find the most appealing and least annoying extrovert and cling to them long enough to make enough intros. $$

This will save you a significant amount of emotional energy over the long-term, even though you might have to meet and greet a lot of people all at once $$

If you are very introverted though,
Perhaps the worst way to meet people is through large social events. $$

Even if you happen to get lucky and isolate a good person or two,
 you’ll likely feel so overwhelmed by the environment that you will not feel like yourself anyway.
And you’ll only attract other people who are also uncomfortable.. $$

And sadly, whenever you start hanging out with naturally uncomfortable people, you are really rolling the dice 🎲 $$

If you are an extrovert, then do not take it personal when an introvert doesn’t want to have a conversation unexpectedly. $$$****

And if you do take it personal, then you demonstrate the reason why the introvert didn’t want to have a conversation to begin with lol $$

Unfortunately, most extroverts found their sense of identity based on the opinions of those around them.
And the most energetic extroverts almost HAVe to engage or speak with other others to feel OK.
Which makes them exponentially more emotionally dangerous on every level $$$*** 

Extroverts as a whole are usually more “fun” than uptight introverts.
But I would argue that the most fun people are actually introverts that you catch in the right mood.
Likely with the right buzz… $$

These people understand balance far better
and are therefore simply less annoying $$

It seems like the only way to deal with bitchassness is to just wear it down and outlast it as it’s own bullshit $$

Going on a walk is almost always the right thing
Or one of the many to choose from $$

Hard to believe that most people’s biggest fear is biological death.
But only for the people that believe that’s the only death.. $$

Recovery is just one big consistency competition $$**

Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes your character stronger.
Whatever does kill you, makes your spirit stronger $$

The fear of unexpected death has caused more problems than unexpected death $$***

If every single lie ever told was wrong, 
then God wouldn’t be able to get anything done either.
Mostly because if you tell some people the truth upfront, they’ll just run away from it $$$*****

any “truth” is only as good as it’s framing $$**

If you are put in a position in which you must bend the truth against your Will, 
what matters most is your willingness to do otherwise when timing is most appropriate $$

Being too virtuous is also being too close minded $$$***

Happy 3:33 PM from the floor
Didn’t really expect to get so preachy today, but sometimes when it comes in, you’ve gotta get it down while you can $

I will confess that I trained a little bit harder than I probably should this morning.
But this has to be expected whenever you do some movements that you haven’t done in a while.
I am doing good abstaining from cookies or any unnecessary rocket fuel despite having about 10 earlier $

There is a type of thing I like to call “Delusional desires”
Everybody’s got a pretty decent list of them but not everybody is aware of what all is on that list until they confront it $$

Maybe the only way to see who gets it is to build an elaborate series of trials and tests and simulations that can only be completed a certain way..
Maybe the only clue you could give,
to not get in the way of somebody’s development,
 is some kind of super symbolic textbook 📕 $

Just found some copperhead skin in the yard by the corner at 6:52 PM
I can’t believe I’m at the point now to where I view small shit like this as a potential sign.
But copperhead anything is pretty special to me
And it is my nickname after all… $

Reminds me of the time that a coppy snuck into the garage the first day I actually started filming. $

I think I’m gonna try to reward myself with some steak burgers tonight.
I’ve also gotta remember to get some dishwasher detergent.
And eggs and butter $

I’m gonna start a new fellowship called “shithead’s anonymous” $$$

If every psychic intuition needed to be explained in graphic detail, then that would just defeat the point $$$

Happy 10:03 PM
It is time for most likely be the last cigarette of the day
I’ll confess that I think it’s my fourth $

Very productive day
Lots of math stuff
An unexpected edits, which is just pretty much all life really is $

I am having electrolytes for dinner lol
I have had enough eggs in the past day to get away with it I believe
I’ll confess that all I have is about two servings of rice, two servings of butter, and five eggs left food wise
I have just enough money to refill the candy jar, but nothing else until more dashes $

Dashing has been basically disrespectful.
I mean half these offers are just mean.
Five dollars to take chicken wings to uptown 
and much much worse $

I’ve never seen so many two and three dollar orders.
I’ve had to modify my strategy significantly due to gas prices and wear and tear on the car.
Luckily, I’ve got a very good pulse on the demand around here so I’m able to flow with it if you will, and sync up trips to the gym with pizza deliveries 🚚 $

I have about 80% of a tablet left and probably 1/3 of a gram total 
maybe a bit less $

I also need to re-up on electrolytes by end of day tomorrow $

But man, oh man, are things in a good spot creative work wise.
It’s painstakingly slow, but once things start flowing, then I will be good for months without trying and years with a little effort $

I feel great energy wise
Bit of a slump after training, cause it was pretty intense, but I’ve rebounded well and besides a few sun walks, I had to skip afternoon training to focus on work $

Trailer Park boys has given me new energy
Or rather refreshed my ancient roots $

My last delivery was Burger King to a dude named Francisco.
And honestly, if that’s an inside joke between me and the universe then that’s pretty funny because I cannot count how many times somebody has butchered my last name and called me that. $

Which is not really even that close to be honest but I don’t think there’s another François ordering the king at 9 PM $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-14-26

514

*Remote click $

*Lighter flick $

Good morning world
Happy 2:26 AM $

It’s the secret smoke hours $

It’s also the secret Netflix hours $

What would you pick?
-Vikings Valhalla
-House of cards
-Bloodline
-Trailer Park boys $

What do you think I picked this time? $

It involves Fuckery on the highest levels $

But this time I’m not referring to the government,
Or family fuck shit, $

I’ll give you like another two or three lines to guess $

If you cheated and read yesterdays entry first then that doesn’t count $

Trust your heart and silence your mind young Padawan… $

It’s the show with the most Academy awards..
The one that has been on the air the longest so to speak $

The one without actual pedophiles and perverts.. $

Yes, that’s right
The one and only $

“ trailer Park boys” $

I think the world would be a better place if this was the kind of background television that was on everywhere.
Instead of CNN & Fox News $$

Whenever you see Corey and Trevor fuck up, it makes you forget all about your problems $

Whenever you synchronize your smoke with the boys, then you accelerate your healing ❤️‍🩹 $$

You can learn a lot about yourself by watching the show
And somebody else could learn even more about you by watching you watch it, 
which is why I’m taking the time to do this tangent $

Because if you read through this shit so far then maybe there’s a chance you’ll read the other shit $

If you did all that, then you likely care about what’s important..
Or you’re here for some kind of cringe $

In which case I honestly can’t blame you.
I make myself cringe at least three times a day $

And then I use those events as the nails in my own philosophical self crucifixion… $$

I’d like to report that I am doing better with unexpected small talk $

That angry old man in me turns real polite and people pleasing somehow for some reason $

And I’m doing better not being so “hacky“ and at remembering my ABCs at all times.. $

You know,
Always
Be
Cool 😎 $$

Bob Marley once said,
“When you worry, you make it double
So Don’t worry, be happy” $

Lol, thanks for letting me share $

*Lighter flick 

I’ve just said fuck it and started embracing the randomness at this point.
Intellectually speaking that is.
So sorry not sorry for whatever chaos continues $

Ironic that they made marijuana illegal for financial reasons for so long that they were forced to make it legal for greater financial reasons $$*

Pretty much anywhere, it cost more money to police than any value that it returns on the community investment $$

So on one hand, 
it bleeds out money and doesn’t generate much revenue from court costs anymore.
And on the other, 
there is so much money to be made from legalizing the products that even most nervous of the Nancy’s can’t deny it any longer $$

Power building is just when you start with the barbell and end with the cable or machines.
And when you’re eating about 404020 cal wise
And living a very relaxed, heavy, supplementally supported lifestyle $

Is the phase where you can get strong as fuck but a little chunky if you’re not careful.
And cardio conditioning usually plummets lol $$

It is 3:01 AM and I am having more electrolytes for the midnight refill snack $

Training wise today is supposed to be a active rest day
So probably just walking 🚶 
…
Unless I get lucky and score a bunch of rocket fuel in which case I’ll probably end up at the gym $

Seeing stupid news articles is especially fucked.
Because it reveals the sad nature of the larger audience,
And the judgment passed by some self-righteous journalist $$

Most people do not have time to do investigation, especially when both sides are fucked but only telling some part of the truth.
And when you were inundated with bullshit tag lines, you cannot help but so consciously formulate opinions and judgments based on things that you just pick up along the way despite your best efforts. 
So the real best thing that you can do is to remember this at all times and try to be flexible and do the next right thing without overthinking it $$

Not sure who needs to hear this, but 
if your training hurts, then you’re probably doing it wrong.
If your training is uncomfortable, then you’re probably doing it right $$$***

It’s better to lie to the enemy than kill them.
That’s the rationale of most politicians at least $$

Worrying about worrying is just third-degree anxiety $$$***

Most bosses biggest fear is simply doing the job of the foot soldier $$$***

Always be wary of men who put themselves on the open dating market.
The most valuable men are either too busy working on themselves to market,
 or get snatched up secretly before they ever make it that far $$$*****

Only those actively looking for somebody else to complete them would actively compete for somebody else to complete them lol
Cough, cough, dating apps, cough cough $$**

This is coming from somebody who is still probably in the top 100 on Tinder swipes 😂 $$

And I’ve been off this shit for four years.. $

When my credit score was 800 so was my swipes per day.. $$*

You might have to spend three months to build something that only takes 30 minutes to maintain
That’s bodybuilding for you $$**

Here’s a secret~
Every young man has to go through the fucked up phase.
This is when you have to investigate all of your fuck boy tendencies, and try on all kinds of different personality types just to discover what doesn’t fit. 
This is completely normal and healthy and should be more fun than destructive. $$

it’s only those who are most nervous about their own ego who give this phase such a hard time. 
Just makes it hard for people to repair what they fucked up. $

Here’s an example of how to own your shit:
“ I made a mistake.
I was in a tough position with questionable information, and if given the opportunity, I would simply make a different decision.
But I understand that is not how it works, so I am willing to expand the extra energy needed to make things right.” $$$***

Easy to think you’re from another planet when you’ve been alienated your entire life $$**

I took my own advice and have been extra generous with the salt shots this morning as I’m low on formal electrolytes and calories.
It is 1237 and I just ate the last gain bowl about 20 minutes ago $

Energy wise I was feeling OK beforehand, but I was starting to get a hunger headache
And whenever those sink in; they usually stick around for a few hours $

Unless you nail the sodium apparently
Which to be fair salt tablets and salt Shots are probably the only way I survived the past couple years.
But it really is a secret when it comes down to energy management $

The only issue is if your body actually uptakes the salt or not or decides to just pee it out.
But you can play around with small doses of carbohydrates to trick it.
But if you’re truly pushing it and you’re in the shit, then your body almost always takes good advantage of it $

And then I say all the time, if you were low cognitively beforehand, Once it kicks in it is like a nootropic $

I like flannels because the pattern likely resembles the source code of the matrix $$

So
Flannels are just matrix shirts 👕 $$

It is 1:54 PM and we are leaving the lion now after a little fuel run
We got 18 eggs
A box of ol reliable cinnamon graham crackers
Dishwasher detergent
A liter of water
And butter $

Some people might think I’d do this because I can’t “get a real job”
But the opposite is true,
I’ve had several and I would do this again gladly to avoid ever having to do them again $$

I can tell they changed the formula on the cinnamon graham crackers though
Not sure how I feel about it… $

No matter what the actual specifics are, the only reason why aliens won’t talk to us is because it is in everyone’s best interest $$

I said it before, but it needs repeating,
I don’t care if heaven is better than here because I will make the angels jealous with how much fun I have $$$

It is 2:08 PM
Time for some tea to go with my crackers as I get down to the work.
Which is just telling everybody how to do better like a good old righteous man that I am $

Don’t listen to anyone who tries to put reason in the same bucket as excuses $$

After those crackers, there’s a real chance I might be able to go to pump city this evening after all.
If my theory is correct, and if I time things appropriately, then I can do a re-feed and convince my muscles to sequester all the extra energy.
Which would be another Hall of Fame American alchemist move $

My grocery total was also less than $13 and it should last me a day
And that’s with 33% of that total being dishwasher detergent, which is a once a month purchase $

Are you ready for some spice? $

“Maybe politicians would stop sending our kids to fight if they had to send their kids to war”
…
Saying we should send people off to war so that they understand the horrors of it more is probably one of the most idiotic statements in light of the reality of PTSD and trauma.
Because clearly we’ve been sending millions upon millions of people off to war for thousands of years and they just keep coming home, wanting to go back. $$$

If war was truly that horrific and terrible than it would not exist at all because everything would’ve ended after the first one $$

If war did not exist, then neither would most of the most honorable acts of courage to ever occur for all of all time $$

If war did not exist, peace would not exist.
But that doesn’t mean that war needs to exist forever.. $$

If war did not exist, then neither would just about every major modern technological innovation or the distribution system behind it at least $$

People want to complain that politicians in power are the ones sending other people’s kids off wars,
But most of the enlisted people I’ve met come from a long line of servicemen.
And many end up in the service due to a push from their own families $$

There is a line in which you must fight.
The only question is the framing of the arena $$

Consistency is the most important unless you are too dependent on it.
Then you’re just stuck in a routine
Or a rut
& breaking old pathways is the name of the game ladies and germs 🦠 $$

Imagine receiving a textbook on how to live a good, happy life and just being like “no thanks I know everything already“ $$$

Imagine the best way to learn about yourself being to work with other people and instead just being like “no thanks. I got this by myself“ $$

My thought process to try to escape a trauma loop
- I have a car for at least 90 days
- I do not have to worry about utility bills for one week
- I can maintain my cover for another two weeks work wise
- I do not have any other creative work things to “figure out“ excluding the usual edits
- There is current peace within the family and reason to believe it can last a week or two
- I have enough candy for a comfortable 36 hours
- I have enough food and water for 24 hours
- All that’s left is mostly publishing and promoting
- I have permission to rest and let go $

things to look forward to
- Sharing lots of good one liners
- Awesome podcast cuts
- Sharing actual workouts
- Answering FAQs
- Tangents and soap boxes $

Lying to the enemy is not a immoral
It’s just a technique $$

As long as you still love your enemies , then you can have as many of them as you want $$*

 it is easier to make friends than it is to make enemies $$

A good enemy will do more for your well-being than a good friend… $$

Enough physical pain will release you from the judgment of your own reaction $$

Enough emotional pain will only intensify it and make it worse $$

It is 6:54 PM
I will confess
The stress has really started to get to me
I cannot remember the last day I truly could “let go and relax“
I don’t mean to take off work or just lay around and be physically lazy,
I mean, with the actual relief from the soul, crushing weight of drama trauma $

I joke a lot because it’s the only way I can make it through this shit storm.
But I know for a fact This eats at my sleep and my unconscious recovery.
And yes, I am very much aware that all of the processed poison foods come at a cost for their precious energy.
So of course, that is part of it even though I still standby that strategy for the trade-offs $

But I have not been able to let my complete guard down fully long enough to make it back to full emotional strength.
However, I do continue to improve every day regardless as my many different notes will attest to.
even though I might not be at my absolute best possible best, I am still better in every single area all at once.
Instead of being a one trick pony and peaking in one $

I am able to accomplish nine times more with nine times less $

And if the only factors keeping me from recovering are fairly and honestly are outside of my control, than I consider that problem a privilege $

You know those little windup cars?
When you pull them back and then when you let them go, they released all of their store, energy and takeoff real fast?
Vibes 🚗 $

I don’t really care about what you know,
I care about what you can control.
But if you care about controlling anything other than your emotions, then just know somebody else has already beat you to the punch $$

Ignoring the karmic rules of the universe is like playing poker with zero regard for the rules and other players $$

I don’t believe this universe is limitless because then nothing would have meaning,
But I do believe that there are unlimited universes and various realms lol $

If the amount of energy produced by the sun is ultimately some kind of code somewhere, then it would be pretty easy to control the sun by controlling the code,
Instead of trying to grapple with a giant ball of helium $

If heaven is just the most dope place that could ever exist, then of course it exists.
Because somewhere somehow there is a super dope place that is more holy than anywhere else $$

If you were concerned with going to the most dope place secret that could ever exist, then perhaps you should pursue the most honorable actions $$

Jesus is not the heavenly bus driver that you hope he is, 
He is simply the best and most entertaining trail guide $$

Most likely for some kind of troubled youth wilderness program lol $$

Don’t matter how many carbs you eat, it won’t help you activate what you haven’t built $$

Happy 9:05 pm from pump city 🌃 $

I am a creature of the night once more $

Whatever that means lol $

Whoever came up with the term “super ego“ must’ve met me in the past life $$$*

Cannabis is amazing, but is nowhere near as mind or mood altering as the 12 steps $$$

Here’s a hot take
The 12 steps work for anything 
not just absolute absence.
And you can practice them without being too culty about it $$$*

Every day is magical if you’re delusional enough
Or just simply have strong enough faith $$$

Anyone who hates on you for doing the right thing is stage two bitch ass $$$***

The biggest flex of all time is simply not having some shit to hide $$$**

The biggest gift is simply not having to hide your type of flex $$$

Ironic how grounded I am with all these clouds I’m blowing $*

I hope you read this far, dear reader
I know it’s a lot
And it’s probably gonna get longer
But every line that you read is an investment in some kind of psychic energy.
For the both of us
We are bonded when these words reach your psyche.
We are friends and we are allies
And if you read this far, then you’re probably a fiend for the philosophy like me $

That’s a good title
“ philosophy fiend” $$

The itch associated with spiritual hunger feels a lot like a craving for drugs sometimes lol $$*

It is 55° and chilly as of 11:13 PM
And I am not bothered by the cold in the slightest, which is carryover adaptation and a sign that I still have a little bit of Brown fat… $

The hardest thing in the world is letting go.
Just don’t tell that to somebody doing farmers carriers… $$$*

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-15-26

515

We are all here with a job to do
But not everybody knows that, 
that’s for sure $$$

Happy 2:49 AM $

Today just looks cool as fuck already $

I think I’ve been on a tear recently with how much I’ve been writing
And my brain has been stuck in a philosophical framing loop $

I’m gonna try to limit it to just the bangers for today
The issue is sometimes you don’t know how much of a banger is until later lol $

Dammit, I’m doing it again already 😂 $

If you build a trap to find food, does that make you a liar?
Or a deceiver? $

If you lie to one person, but tell everybody else the truth,
And openly admit to everybody else that you are knowingly lying to that one person for a specific reason,
Does that make you a liar? 🤥 $

It is 3:14 AM
It is time for a cigarette $

Friendly reminder whenever you encounter a cute animal-
It is very important to stop what you were doing and give it your undivided attention.
For at least three minutes
Then you are free to carry on about your day if you must.
But simply stopping and devoting a moment or two of appreciation is one of those things you’ll never regret
And those small memories age like fine wine $

Better to age like wine than like cheese I always say $$$

OK, that might be the first time I’ve ever said that but you get it $

It is cold out here 
48° for mid May seems a little low
I swear we’ve got April and May backwards this year $

I’m thinking if I can hustle up a good bit of cash today somehow that I might be able to get a small edge in the candy and supplement department
And if that synchronizes with my metabolic conditioning, then that’s just all in all very exciting stuff for yours truly $

I will never accept paid advertisement on this website
But I will accept endorsements and sponsorships lol $

Tony Hawk underground taught me the importance of getting a sponsorship $$

And I’ve been working at that goal since I was 13 $

But I’d only promote shit that I use..
And I’d only sneak it in
No long ads or pitches $

Like a one liner like I would put right here $

Cough cough $

Maybe only 90 kids will get this,
But you know, Timmy Turner’s dad and how he always wanted that trophy in that one episode?
And he had that really nice trophy case already built
…
..
.

🤷🏻‍♂️ $
 
A good prediction might as well be a warning
…Or a magic trick $$

Happy 6:53 AM $

I say better to go on tangents with the notepad then to longingly scratch that itch with strangers who don’t give a shit $$

I am polishing off graham crackers now $

My childhood was just a competition to see who would win, Sugar or amphetamines lol $

Ever been so traumatized that you’re disappointed when somebody doesn’t do something to trigger you? $$

(Cuz you were totally expecting them to act like an ass)

Some people will gaslight you so bad for so long that the few times that they act nice and considerate and genuine will have you questioning your entire judgmental paradigm $$$***

Exercise is just energy negotiation $$

Ironically,
It’s almost always better just to record your thoughts than it is to think about them too much $$

I don’t care, all of that spiritual shit is the first thing to go out the window every time some lower form of technology wants to disobey me.
And that is my greatest fear regarding aliens… 👽 $

I have had my big flatscreen TV for almost 10 years now and I swear to God it still finds new ways to fuck up.
And this thing started all kinds of Janky out the gate $

Being 23 and wanting nothing more than a bachelor pad bonus room is a special kind of depressed lol $$********

Fasting has amazing health benefits
You just can’t do it forever $$

Even though everybody needs to eat, offering a cheeseburger to somebody fasting only makes you a dick $$

If it is physical restlessness then it is almost almost always calorie related,
If it is emotional restlessness, it is almost always chemical related $$*

Anybody who doesn’t know the difference between the two is still a white belt regarding mental illness lol $$

I’d be more cautious talking shit about the private prison industry,
We’re really gonna need them to step up once we get it together with all of these pedo politicians $$

I would argue that most young people have the energy to be heroes if they weren’t so afraid of working late nights and weekends $$$****

Dealing with bullshit can be stressful
But Dodging it can be fun $$*

“Questions that could change your paradigm”
{continued on another wall, maybe..} $

BRB gonna go bio hack real quick
*Puts on short shorts before walk 🩳 $

If tanning enhances aesthetic definition, then my paleness is my secret weapon to conceal my body fat percentage $$

Surrendering control of something is not the same as surrendering care of something $$**

Actually, surrendering control usually is an act of care of the highest degree 📜 $$$*

You gotta ease up on politicians sometimes,
They don’t have many options with all the eggshells that people keep throwing near them $$$

It is human nature to want to use mind and mood altering substances,
It is also natural to push the envelope,
And this is why cannabis was created.
Because good luck trying to smoke yourself sick,
You’re gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way- by acting like an ass hat 🎩 $$

I would argue that acting like an ass is a lot harder to do with the munchies $$$***

Forgiveness is the most selfish act you could ever do
Because most of the people you forgive, will have no fucking clue they required it to begin with lol $$$*****

“I am happy to announce that I am running a special.
I am no longer poisoned special
So what if I poisoned myself?
At least I had a prescription for it” $$$

A gift given too early is often just a burden $$*

“It’s not a competition” types make me sick.
Everything is a competition, a friendly competition.
Pretending otherwise just means you’re scared or not very friendly $$$***

My “problem” is that I am happy with nothing, in the world that forces you to hoard resources to survive $$

Life is just a game of making chicken salad with chicken shit.
Or making actual chickens with gene editing and shit 💩 $$*

There is a functional level of dirty that makes things more fun $$

I’ve said it before but…
Better to be too dirty than too clean
 cause then there’s a good chance that you were working pretty hard $$$*

It is 8:40 PM
I am working still but I am happy to announce a new experiment.
It’s kind of risky but could work out well…
Or might not make much of a difference at all who knows.
But I bought a new tablet !
This bitch is 40 mg
Mostly because it was cheaper than the 30 mg pack that i normally buy ironically.
So I’m going to chop it up all Dusty as i reasonably can and use it as my evening tablet because I’m certain that it’s gonna be stronger despite how I chop it.
But that’ll save the other lower dose tablets for work so I don’t end up just wasting them whenever I wanna get a real buzz.
So I’ll be quartering my quarters lol
And I’ll update for accountability $

I am also happy to report that I went by the park during a very synchronistic dash and I did a good walk.
Which is kind of sad if I’m honest, how little long distance walking I do these days.
Anything longer than 30 minutes that is…
I need to get back on that immediately cause I’ve been getting a little cocky, just pretending that I can hit the trail and it’ll all come back overnight, which is a grave calculation lol $

But it is time to transition to the Night Shift.
Which means, of course, changing the background audio…
You already know 
TPB baby !
I’m already almost done with season five.
They’re only 25 minute episodes and episode seasons if you have forgotten though so it’s not quite that impressive $

The game plan for the evening is to continue all of the admin type work while basically “night fishing” $

Suburban night fishing is just when you DoorDash at night lol $$

You are the entirety of everything you do.
You are not restricted to the confines of a biological body.
You are every decision you’ll ever make.
You are every thought you’ve ever had.
You are your intent.
When you make a decision, you change not only your body and your mind but the entire consciousness of your collective existence.
Because every decision you make, impacts somebody or something in someway.
Just like your DNA decides to communicate a certain way, your spirit decides it’s Destiny in its own certain way $

The real suburban fireworks are when you have a shitty Honda with a fart canon and an engine that backfires $$

In a way, fireworks are modern day artillery in the psychological war on depression.
Because almost always they are celebratory,
And that is the only way to defeat depression $$***

DoorDash is officially one of the biggest bullies I Have witnessed in my 31 years $$

(More on that somewhere later lol)

It is 11:31 PM and time to finish a cigarette $

It’s been a weird evening
I tried to go to sleep earlier, but failed $

I think I’ve taken it equal to about seven or 8 mg of the newest tablet.
So far so good.
But I’ll confess that I am likely to go through on the faster side mostly because I am so emotionally fatigued that I will probably be getting my buzz on tonight and tomorrow..
And I’ll probably be generous using it work wise $

I desperately need some mushrooms lol $$$

I am in a weird way very proud of myself for not using or relying on them over the past year.
As the notepad will attest, I did get my hands on a fair amount at the end of fall tho $

And while they provided a much needed reset and upgrade, I have not been able to devote my energy to healing for really probably at least 18 months.
Maybe closer to two years… $

My point is I’ve had to do it the old-fashioned way versus my ego.
Instead of just vaporizing it with some psilocybin once a week… $

To be clear, I still believe that probably a gram a week will keep you away from the shrink.
And the brink of total self annihilation 😂 $$$$$$$

But it requires tremendous work outside of the trip that most people are not willing to follow through with.
Therefore, I am afraid that if everyone actually did that then we would just end up with more mushroom hippies 
and not the good kind $

But as a true therapeutic spiritual reset, I think it’s the whole purpose of church.
Or at least it can provide the same type of benefits in ways a church never could $

I’m just saying they would work better together… $

So I have only discipline to Thank.
And that makes it much more meaningful $

Because the second I don’t have a mountain of work to do and I can afford a day or two off, then I know I’ll be back better than I ever was before $

Just had a big bowl of rice and butter because I was starting to crave.
I think it was justified biologically as well as emotionally $

In a plot twist,
I actually was able to score some ground beef patty’s so I had probably 2/3 of a pound by itself around 9 PM $

That would be taking extra long to kick in so my body would probably be in a way leaning towards ketosis.
So I’m hoping that by eating again just now I would’ve accelerated my metabolism and therefore unlocked the energy that has been processing which should help me feel better. and once the carbs refill my gas tank I think I’ll be in a great position for a phenomenal workout tomorrow morning $

I’m not sure if I made it clear for the record how all I did today was a strong 30 minute walk.. $

But it’s kind of funny cause it wasn’t like a power walk, but I did muscle it because I’ve been used to jogging recently.
So in a way, I triggered more muscle than I anticipated and am a lil crisp 😂 $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-16-26

516

Happy 516 $

And happy 5:16 AM
Starting out strong with this synchronicity $

Also starting out strong and triggered.. lol $

First message of the day is if you’ve ever tried to solve an emotional issue with a family member with money, then you are not going to like some of the lessons you are going to learn $$$

Don’t be alarmed by the last little outburst though,
Everything is all great in the world at the moment.
I’m just at the midnight movies watching “bloodline”
The Extra late shift if you will $

Also, I would argue that it is easier to get off work at 5 AM than it is to start work at 5 AM.
And As a true philosopher, I can say that I have significant experience with both $$

When I say as a true philosopher, I’m really just talking about the class clown stuck in his hometown working a ton of different jobs. $$

Cause, if you really want to understand some shit, you know you have to isolate it.
Or him… $$

I am polishing off cigarette 
I am also polishing off part of that tablet from yesterday $

I think it’s underdosed…
Which reinforces my strategy the whole time.
If you’re just jumping in,
I’m referring to the very controversial “gas station heroin” known as seven hydroxy $

It is a kratom extract that is quite versatile and quite powerful
And very much habit forming if you’re not careful $

I usually get 30 mg every two days
(3x 10mg)
And chop it up into a milligram or two at a time.
Besides when it’s time to get the buzz on, in which case I will double it between 2 to 5 mg $

But anything over five is honestly mostly unnecessary and uncomfortable $

But the products these days are so strong and potent that it is really often rolling the dice 🎲 $

So as an experiment, I bought a stronger 40 mg tablet yesterday.
To chop up for the stronger doses
And if my calculations are correct, it is not quite as strong as it is advertised to be.
Making the smaller tablets, I usually buy an overall better decision $

I would still say that Microdosing is overall a little bit better than the capsules, 
mostly from a digestion and timing perspective.
But capsules and plant powder are far safer from an abuse potential perspective and will keep you honest
 otherwise you end up very constipated lol $

I would also argue that you shouldn’t be using any supplements for stress if you are not keeping up with your baseline mobility.
Cause if you were all tight and stiff, I swear that’s gonna add a couple degrees to your emotional stress level $$$*

It is 11:21 AM
I am sorry to report late
I was dealing with some unexpected bitchassness.
Mood and motivation are very low this morning, despite having good rest $

I did force myself to do an early walk, which was difficult because of all the neighbors are outside enjoying the day.. $

I came back just in time to hide from my dad cutting the grass.
Luckily, he did not linger this time $

I laid around contemplating what I would do instead of going to the gym and couldn’t come up with anything.
But that did not help my biological motivation $

At least until I finally had enough of that and said fuck it,
Took a salt shot,
Took a cold shower,
Took a couple hits,
And now I’m out the door feeling pretty good $

I am officially at the hairstyle where i resemble a soccer mom if you catch me at the wrong angle 📐 $$*

It is 3:29 PM
And I am having a suburban smoke bath.
That is where you pop the shirt & light a cig $$

Just had a gain bowl.
Switching it up a little bit,
Was the leftover beef patties and rice.
Which is pretty good because that means I’ve had a little over a pound within 18 hours & about three servings of rice in that time as well.
I am out of protein though besides a few eggs so I need to dash up some more food money $

My energy level is starting to climb as the fats digest from the last few meals.
Even though I went to the gym this morning, I basically just repeated my warm-up and then did a bunch of edits on the elliptical $

It’s kind of crazy, but I can tell my body is still in build mode.
But on a very deep infrastructural level.
Like I can tell my frame and bones and all of that are returning first, and I basically have the infrastructure of being that 205 mass monster that I used to be $

I don’t really care about how much more muscle tissue I added, as I’m turning my attention to traditional strength and endurance $

Once I can get a surplus of supplements and stress-free bullshit, then I am very optimistic I will make even faster progress with my newfound wisdom. $

Here’s my secret tanning strategy-
Short shorts, plus just a cut and flannel.
At least until midday in which case the cut comes off permanently and the flannel periodically $

When I do a walk with just a cut, then I can tan my arms and sides.
When I do just a flannel, chest and stomach
When I smoke, mostly my back, cause I have to turn away from the sun for my phone $

And I’m just gonna let my legs cook for as long as I can and see how crazy of a tan line I can get on my feet from the flops $

The fact that many gamers are atheists is pretty ironic
You would think that they would catch the symbolism the quickest $$

It is 8:34 PM
We are leaving the lion now
After feeling a little depressed, I got a frozen pepperoni pizza to try out.
I think it’ll go great while watching “trailer Park boys”.
I also got a new carton of eggs and a new pack of cat treats $

Dashing has been one of those efficiency learning sessions,
In which case I am learning that I am OK without very much lol.
And I’m also learning more about patience
Which is never that easy $

A suburban sad shop is when you are depressed on a Saturday night, but you’re not gonna let that get you down so you go by a bunch of processed food and hope for the best $$****

Just had a little mini panic attack because my stove took a while to cut on and I thought they finally cut my gas off lol $

definitely got the “you’re gonna be grateful for this when looking back one day” vibes tho $

Also got a fresh bong waiting on me,
With a fresh pack of American spirits,
And I deliberately did not watch any TBP all day so it could be fresh $

I also still have half that tablet from yesterday,
And while I don’t believe it was an honest 40 mg, it should provide for a pleasant evening $

Anybody who hates on alliteration is just not that creative
That shits always hanging synchronicity $$

Anyone who sites being lactose intolerant as a reason why they can’t eat pizza is simply weak willed $$$***

Same with gluten… $$$

OK, obviously kind of kidding but the whole point of this existence is the poison appreciation $$

I used to be so depressed that I didn’t even realize I was depressed
Because I never felt anything $

I would’ve spoken up more except when I was a teenager. I just got more poisoned and incarcerated and criticized.
So as an adult, I just did the “whole suck it up buttercup” and work it off approach,
 and would just float between one dopamine seeking accomplishment to another,
Long enough until the pattern became undeniable $

I remember when I used to think all nice people were just faking it..
Or they were delusional lol $$

& I used to think all sad people were just undisciplined and immature $$

(LOL)

Is 8:59 PM
I am three hits deep & about three minutes away from the pizza popping out the oven.
I am probably about nine minutes into this episode, And I’m telling you,
 I feel so much better already $

In fact,
I feel so much better from something so pure, It makes me temporarily resentful at all of the fuck sticks who just wanted my money and didn’t care about trying to help me.
Because this is such a simple and cheap and ancient solution, there’s really no excuse as to why it is demonized $*

I would argue the most dangerous thing about this evening was my drive to the store..
And maybe potentially the seed oils in this pizza 🍕 $

(Jury still out on the seed oils tho)

I have plenty of old medicine bottles in my kitchen cabinet as trophies to attest for the bullshit too $

I could be wrong on this,
But the Food Lion generic brand really slaps
With just about everything.
It is so good and so reliable that I feel more comfortable choosing that over the most popular brands.
The theory is that it is because they are locally based.
Of course, they could just be buying their shit from other big distributors and putting their name on the box,
And I have evidence that they’re probably doing that with the graham crackers,
But I think their location makes the quality better and something seems a little bit more fresh.
Also, it seems like they keep coming out with new products $

This pizza is fantastic
I have a feeling it’s gonna digest really good or really bad lol $

It is 9:21 PM and I did it
I effectively ate the entire pizza
It wasn’t the largest
Probably about 1200 cal
And I am honestly nervous
Because I haven’t had pizza or cheese in a long time $

However
I have to be in the top 10% of pizzas eaten amongst Americans $$

Actually, I might have to walk that back now that I think about it lol… $

The joke is that I’ve eaten a lot of pizza
A lot of pizza… $

Like twice a week for nearly a decade $

That is a good bit of pizza $

Almost always late at night $

I mean, I say it a lot, but,
We could pretty much solve every food problem if everybody got into some kind of crazy ultra endurance training, 
or bodybuilding 
because the caloric demand would be so high it would eliminate all metabolic disease 🦠 $

To reiterate,
I’m not trying to promote that everybody goes around eating processed food.
I am trying to promote making the best out of every situation and making sure to remember to weigh the spiritual component as part of your decision-making $$$*

Because you eat for your mind and for your body and for your spirit $

I’d rather have a carb coma than be too neurotic $$$*

I have abs, not primarily because of the aesthetic
They are simply a byproduct of maximizing an invisible muscle,
Which is the ability to burn fat when needed.
It’s an ability that everybody can develop and then it becomes a superpower.
And compliments!every part of health.
It’s just very uncomfortable to develop $

So my point is-
Train for function and you’ll have more fun $$$

I will state that I do feel pretty damn full
And I do believe I will be probably in a coma soon $

Pray for my digestion lol $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-17-26

517

Happy 1:33 AM $

I’m sure nobody else can relate to this,
My toxic trait is that I think I could be the best or anything I set my mind to.
So I just hold myself so accountable that I can’t ever enjoy anything lol $$

When public speaking,
Unless you plan on reading directly off of something in front of everybody,
It is best to not even try to memorize a script.
Instead, it is best to review a couple different options of things to fall back to. $$

If you try too hard to be too strict, you are just gonna throw yourself off at the slightest intellectual curveball. $$

If you can pause and handle the uncomfortable jitters and nerves that originally arise once in front of people,
Usually, the right thing to say will present itself.
But that must be more of a feeling than it is more of a thought $$

All right, here’s some quiet spiritual shit you’re not supposed to say out loud~
I feel like I’m one of the few people that ever walked out of AA on a win.
The last fully official AA meeting I ever went to was a big young people speaker meeting that I spoke at. The day before Covid lockdowns.
Very symbolic of a suburban triumph $

I did not touch anything throughout Covid either And was the first person to reopen the super shady super sketchy late night meeting uptown $

my first official drink was 10 years to the minute of when I graduated rehab..
Which was intentionally calculated controlled and coordinated.
And I have legitimately wasted more alcohol than I have drank since that day five years ago just about $

The entire story of the couple months in which I officially resigned is a little lengthy and all about mental health and depression and using a 12 steps plus psychedelics to fully reset myself and find a completely new way of life $

The hard part about everything however, is that it is a very delicate position to be in.
And very controversial for many.
Because anybody who’s ever maintained long-term sobriety has done so under the impression that this shit is gonna be for the rest of their life. 
Even though it’s always “one day at a time“ $$

I truly never thought I would be able to use mind & mood altering substances again safely $

I never even wanted to until I had turned over literally every other stone I could and was forced to investigate my biology on a deeper level $

So I truly believe that you shouldn’t “try some controlled drinking” because the risk to reward is usually not worth it $$$**

And I don’t know if my tone is coming across appropriately,
I could be making it all worse,
But I do not believe I am special or I have some kind of secret that is unique only to me $$

And yet, what I’m talking about is one of the most serious, most dangerous, most destructive, most insidious types of phenomenon that exist,
And I am able to float between one chemical to the next easily now 🤷🏻‍♂️ $

I am able to “play with fire“
And enjoy the burn 🔥 $

So I’m just documenting my own madness.
The good, the bad, & hypocritical.
& The fun, the functional, & mysterious $

I will attest to the power of psychedelics, the 12 steps, and the grace of God as to why I’m able to do anything at all and not instantaneously spiral $$$***

So on one hand,
I’ll say shit like “ I’m not special, anyone can do it”
And then I’ll be like “but not unless you maintain nearly decade of perfection“ lol $

I feel like if you would’ve met me day one of rehab,
And we made a bet,
Could be “last man standing” between the 15 teens,
Could be “10 years without a drink”, and no slips during the “prime of your life“,
Could be to overcome a sheer volume of resistance, such as the rise of dating apps, metabolic illnesses via poisonous physicians, and global pandemics $

“If you can make it this far, then you can drink again”
Anybody in the right mind would’ve bet against me..
Should have bet against me… $

7%.
That was the recovery rate
That was pretty impressive for an intensive outpatient program and far better than just about every rehab and secret society $$

And then it would just exponentially compound year over year,
So if 100 people showed up on day one,
Only seven of them will still be there at the end of the first year.
And only seven of those OGs (100) will return the following year,
And so on $$

You can’t even fold a piece of paper more than seven times $$*

If you do something pretty much nonstop all day every day for eight years, you reasonably have mastered just about all natural twists and turns of some sort $$

That’s enough time to get a masters and a PhD $$

I used to joke that if you gave me academic credit for the amount of times I spent in a church basement,
I would easily have several different doctorates.
And a couple separate or two masters degrees if you want to give me appropriate credit for the unique niches.. $

I think the day will come that we can pretty much instantaneously reproduce a memory in perfect detail, whether it be for entertainment or information.
We’re practicing that technique now with AI obviously,
But I think that we will be able to actually tap into the space-time fabric and essentially recapture that memory as it was, instead of a biased false memory $$

So that’s going to break a lot of people’s delusional paradigms firstly
But secondly, that’s gonna make for the greatest content of all time $$

And everybody’s secrets are obviously gonna be exposed $$

AnyWho, back to our regularly scheduled random programming $

Trying to emotionally process something on a barstool is just being childish..
But it be like that sometimes $$***

You can adapt to anything external
Only difference is a matter of time and pain investment.
But handling some internal bullshit is always going to feel the same by definition,
And will come in every different shape and size $$

It is now 2:09 AM 
Time to finish the cigarette $

I don’t know if this is much of a suburban secret,
But peeing in your yard is very spiritual
Very ancient
Very territorial
…
Very therapeutic honestly $$

Think about if everybody had to still pee in their yard..
And still poop in a shed…
I think everybody would be a lot more humble $$

Bring back the chamber pot lol $$$

But like honestly,
It’s really not a bad technique.
& Don’t come at me with that hygiene bullshit,
Cause if you knew the bacteria on everything that’s around you and given moment…
Especially on your smart phone that you’re probably scrolling on while you’re shitting…….
Then that argument would fall apart instantly $
 
Maybe it’s because it’s the nostalgia from the rehab I landed at lol
In which case they handed out piss jugs to be utilized within the confines of a corner closet $

Or the pee bottle technique utilized when you jeep camp sketchy spots $

But I feel like we could come up with the equivalent of a comfortable catheter.
One that is somehow hygienic as well, of course $$

Swerving back to the rehab..
“The tubes“
I don’t know how to best introduce this nightmare scenario $

It’s the middle of winter,
In the middle of the mountains,
In the middle of the war on drugs.
You are 17 and on a concerning amount of Seroquel.
You finally graduate out of the lockdown unit with electricity to join the outdoor cabin with the wood-burning stove.
…
You awake in the night needing to pee.
The 19 year-old behavioral health technician hands you a flashlight and points to a path up a hill to the “tubes”.
…
You are uncertain and confused, but your bladder leaves no room for negotiation.
You begin to track up the hill,
Luckily passing another lost teenager who is happy to pass along some advice;
“Use the third tube on the right”.
…
You finally make it there.
Luckily, the stench finds you before you find it.
You walk up to what looks like a couple PVC pipe glory holes…
You that nature take its course as you enjoy a questionable, & highly contradictory moment overlooking the peninsula in the pitch black night.
…
It’s 13° by the way, and you can barely hold your wang because you are shivering because you have no fat because you are a malnourished teenager who is yet to learn the ways of the force.
You hobble back to your bunk after returning the flashlight.
You repress that memory quickly to salvage some sleep.
You repeat for two weeks before they lock you back down in the unit for some bullshit lol $******

I love how cigarettes are laid out in the pack~
767 $$

I swear there is just something ancient about flipping open a pack of smokes.. $$

Anywho,
We switched back to watching “worst ex ever”.
Which is honestly just mostly sad at this point because it’s just fucked up dudes beating the hell out of emotionally compromised women $

So yeah, I would say they nailed the title lol $

The pizza seems to be digesting well 
knock on wood 🪵 $

It is pretty warm and humid tonight.
I’m surprised it took so long
Cause the last few nights I have been shivering when I’ve been out here lol $

I’m dead ass finding a way to incorporate cleaning and yardwork into the resistance games 
as a movement you get official credit for $

I would argue that type of real world mobility needs to be reframed,
There are very few things harder than housework when you are depressed $$*

I will confess one “micro movement” that I’m trying to stop~
Is when I scroll to the left side on my phone to see the Apple news headlines.
…
Which I know is just absolute Idiocracy, but there’s still a voice in the back of my head that goes “if it’s too bad they have to say something here too”
And then most of the other news just comes from YouTube $

I do not like seeing all other people with the biggest platforms beginning to cater more and more to the algorithm $

That’s the same game corporate media plays with shareholders $

It’s just a slippery slope
The reason why Rogan does so well is because he doesn’t follow that,
The reason why others come and go so quickly is because they do $

Discovering shit on accident counts as “a controlled trial” $$$***

It is 10:14 AM
I have been awake for about 75 minutes
I completed a double dash
And I’m currently finishing some mobility and trying to figure out what to do with my day 
and my life lol $

The training required just to be able to survive Something is not very much.
The training required to be able to adapt to a situation or circumstance is quite a lot $$

If there are earthly institutional special forces, 
then there must be a ethereal ones too $$

All right, here’s a heavy theory for pretty early in the morning But it’s the one I’ve been grappling with all year long-
I’m willing to bet pretty much everything I have on reincarnation and all of that,
But I am suspicious that you might be two different souls reincarnated..
Which would explain a lot of of the karma honestly $

This is the idea of a soul marriage.
Because you couldn’t actually marry two souls, unless they are coexistenting in one being.
And obviously material marriage is symbolic of such $

So if my maternal grandfather was a fighter pilot during World War II,
And if my paternal grandfather was a green beret during the Korean War…,
And both were alcoholics……,,,
I am suspicious that one of them was overly honorable while the other one was somewhat ridiculous and radical $

And considering how my mom side is the colonial Freemason side,
And my dad side is the evangelical Cajun side,
It has been a very weird upbringing $

You remember playing video games with the boys And then two people fight over the same controller,
And the dude in the game just kind of spazzes out due to all the accidental Button pressing… 
…
Do I need to draw any more conclusions for you lol? $$

I have a third theory as well,
It just doesn’t seem that fair.
But it is that my grandfather‘s are actually my spirit guides.
And that because of my unique development, it is almost impossible to distinguish self from what was simply influenced by them.
And I am some other being from some other place far away with some kind of special awareness and sensitivity to BS that is here to do a unique mission $

But once you actually dig into all the esoteric shit from the ancients,
It’s just far more likely that we are part of some kind of spiritual consolidation and evolution program $$*

The more and more I think about it,
The more I am suspicious of the two souls theory.
Because it explains my overly honorable tendencies and my super Weasley ones $

It is 11:08 AM and I’m trying to work up the motivation to do some kind of movement. I’m just not sure which is the right kind yet. $

It is 11:49 a.m.
And I did it
A very humble, mild strength session in solitude.
Which is always the hardest for me to do.
And I gotta say, I feel absolutely fantastic about myself $

The weights were laughably light
Which is good because they were majority of my body weight.
But as an unconditioned warm-up, they felt better than I hoped for sure $

It is shocking how much water I have just sloshing around my abdomen though lol.
I mean, if I didn’t know any better and if I didn’t calculate that pizza from last night, I would be borderline suicidal if I valued my aesthetic too much $

So I once again have to laugh because of how many people go out on Saturday night only to feel like shit on Sunday morning $$

You know you made the right decision if you are comfortable with them making a movie about it lol $$$***

I feel like if you just plopped the same soul in the same realm then you probably wouldn’t get much of a different result $$*

The rational part of the brain does not like the concept of luck very much.
With good reason
So whenever something happens, that’s not supposed to happen, The rational part of the brain usually doesn’t like it and acts kind of bitchy. $$*

And if this goes on long enough, then you’ll get anorexic atheists complaining about everything $$*

If there is one thing I am most grateful for it, is that the most uncomfortable and beneficial experiences were not necessarily “optional” for me $

Saying..
If someone was to give me the choice of going to rehab, 
what do you think the answer would have been? lol $

Giving your pet a treat is a good example of emotional alchemy.
It requires effort and energy and usually a little money,
And provides you no direct biological benefit,
And yet it is more energizing than just about most things $$$***

Therefore, keeping a pet is about the most selfish thing you can do $$

“Yes, come here little being and live with me so I can extract energy from your essence” $$$**

But yeah, I’m just kidding. 
I’m sure there is no way there can be a loving God and this is all just one big accident… $

You know when you were growing up,
and people started making fun of your friend,
And you had to put a stop to it because nobody’s allowed to roast your friend except for you ?
… $$

Water is responsible for the distribution of carbohydrates
Blood is responsible for the distribution of fats $$

Obviously, your body uses blood for all transport
I’m saying that your body holds extra water if you eat a lot of carbs so it can store it within your muscle cells,
And metabolic proficiency matters most when burning fat $

I’m probably just saying this shit cause I can’t grow one but…
big beards hide more than they enhance $$*

You know you’re retaining water when your ankles look puffy $$$*

If you are truly waterlogged, then that will look like at least in additional 5% body fat
And it sloshes around, so it’s hard to pinpoint $$

It’s really funny how much I alternate between believing I am a reincarnated prisoner or a reincarnated savior lol $

I don’t know if anyone is going to believe me based on how the future unfolds..
I have never had a Twitter.
A real actual one.
I created one one night when visiting a cousin back in 2011, but I forgot my login and never used it.
And I recreated an account back in 2023 and posted like three things about exercise, but that’s it $

It is 4:19 PM and we are at the park after landing a miracle dash so that’s very exciting. 
I just took a shot of squirt and about to takeoff $

You know your shoes are rough when you’re double socking it in the summertime lol $$*

Weird problem to have when running is easier than walking.. $

Happy 10:37 PM
Man, oh man, I am so pooped. I just stepped outside to smoke a cigarette.
And I forgot the cigarette
I am not sleepy though $

It is bittersweet
I can tell it is biological stress
Like cortisol and shit like that.
My routine is naturally drifting a bit for some reason and I’m just simply not fighting it.
I’m sure it’ll make sense soon
But a few months ago, I would already be almost done with first sleep by now $

I smashed some chicken wings that I snagged from the Mom’s.
Happy to report there was no incident and I was able to chat for a few minutes.
Pleasant interaction with Some smiles, and laughs, even if it was founded on lies…
Whatever… honestly at this point, I’m just telling myself I’m on a secret mission.
I know I’m in fantasyland
But whatever
We will figure it out one day at a time like we were trained to do $

I am doing my best to unwind after a mountain of edits
Some of those bittersweet feelings.
I feel like I purged a lot of bullshit.
Which meant that I had to admit and own a lot of bullshit that I wrote 
And I’m gonna have to go back through and do a lot more edit edits
But that was the point $

Cause I love writing now and I’m not afraid of judgment.
Because even though some of it was not that good, it was nowhere near as bad as I feared.
And now that I know that on such a deep level, I can work much more efficiently $

And there’s a lot of good shit too $

…
..
.
I just feel like public notaries are part of a secret society nobody talks about $$***

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-18-26

518

Happy 4:23 AM $

It is time to begin fueling up $

*starts trailer park boys $

I mean both physically and philosophically, of course $

I think it’s better to find out that you were smart but an asshole
Versus,
nice but a naïve idiot,
in a past life that is $$

It is usually less difficult to learn how to be an asshole than it is to soften one up
Or at least less painful.. $$

The gratitude for Moments like this is very difficult to reduce to words $

I wish more people were not afraid of the early morning
Or super late night
But I totally get it because 9 to 5 bullshit traumatizes just about everybody eventually $

Even though 9 to 5 is a reasonable amount of hours and workload if doing something enjoyable $

But-
The opportunity cost of the commitment is one that not many people like to admit $

How many plans have been blown off because we have work in the morning $

How many times did we opt for the more comfortable vice because we were stressed $

I think I was here to prove to the world that stubbornness can do just as much damage as naïveté
But I realized that early on in life thanks to some mushrooms and now I’m radically trying to balance the shit out before it’s too late lol $*

I mean, it is pretty funny that at one point in my life one of the most toxic and honorable things I had going for me was my stretch of sobriety.. $

I was extremely hesitant to began to investigate mind & mood altering substances for medical purposes just because I didn’t want to give up my perfect streak $

Because being 27 with a decade of sobriety is pretty rare $

But that is like being the smartest person in the psych ward
…
And I know what that feels like lol $**

Even when I was drifting towards the super dark shit internally, I did not even consider a drink or a drug $

It wasn’t until I really was at a jumping off point that I crossed the psychedelic bridge into the promised land $$*

Point being, 
Too much Ego doesn’t get you killed per se,
Too much ego will have you wanting to kill yourself tho $$$

Now just to be clear for the record,
Cause I’m stoned and I’m swerving,
I could not be happier and more emotionally stable currently lol.
So please do not panic, dear reader.
Whenever I refer to my “tough times” I’m really talking about between 2019 through 2021 $

It’s another tangent for another time
But you could say I essentially had a life-saving “burning bush experience” on December 31, 2021
After eating a half eighth of some super dank homegrown mushrooms 🍄 $$

Ever since then, I have done hundreds more amazing shroomy shrooms,
Been privileged enough to experiment with other therapeutic psychedelics that are on the verge of FDA approval,
& Given the opportunity to pretty much change everything in my life, which has effectively cured me of my behavioral bitchassness. $

Gained and lost a family in the process,
Got my ass kicked and strangled too many times to count,
 & Somehow still sold a couple houses. $

More difficult of all tho-
Just writing a bunch of shit ✍️ $$

I learned around the same time that you could edit yourself with a pen and some push-ups,
It just took me 13 years longer to fall in love with the pen than I did the push-ups $$

And by the time that I did, it’s almost like i developed a weird kink.
An obsession for self improvement and a need for attention all wrapped up in one $*

So instead of writing fictional bullshit, I am just simply editing myself in a way in which the world can see.
The intellectual equivalent of training in any public gym $**

That is another secret,
If you train in public, you receive three times as much energy back as when you train in private $

However-
It takes a lot of internal energy to train in private consistently.
So I’m actually currently in the process of working out how to adjust the math to incentivize both properly $

I believe in a perfect world we would have complete health complexes-
In the same shopping center or strip mall, we will have all different types of Fitness.
All different types of martial art arts,
All different types of community based movement sports and stuff,
All different kinds of food and other various complementary lifestyle conveniences.
And I believe it should be free & merit based $$$***

There should never be a moment in which a community gym is closed $$$$$$$$$$$$$

A true community center would look like what I just described above,
& Would also have mastered the art of taken care of homeless pets, and rehoming them.
Same with addicts & mentally disabled… $

Would also prioritize late nights and weekends when everything else is closed $$

I have a dream
But at this point, it’s just a prediction $$$

I’d tell you to mark my words, but I’ve already beat you to it so no need to do it a second time $

It is 5:24 AM
Just ate a super big bowl of rice with extra butter
Let’s see if it goes to my head or my muscles first.
Either way, I get to go to the gym whenever I need to, which is the greatest gift ❤️ $

It is 9:14 AM
Knocked out a sun walk already,
Fresh off a cold shower,
About to run out the door to pump city.
So excited $

I forgot to note for the record yesterday that I actually had two shots of liquor 
Pretty crazy, I know 🥃 $

If exercise is more powerful than any drug,
Then personal trainers will be more powerful than physicians $$$***

Don’t ever do hip thrusts with a dumbbell $$$$$$$$$$$$

You know you’re in the struggle when you gotta double up with ankle socks 😂 $

If I’m not actually the best at something, then I bet you, I’m the best at thinking that I am $$***

It is 12:41 PM & time to do some biohacking..
*pops shirt
*lights cig $$

Just had an amazing bowl of eggs 🥚 $

Reality is just a narrative.
It is just the timeline clipped at any given point in perspective.
Because if “perspective is reality” that means there are infinite realities $

The greatest victory isn’t just winning,
It is winning with a smile without even breaking a sweat.
It is winning because of your preparation.
It is winning because it was already recorded in time before the official challenge even began $$**

It is absolute domination with the most positive attitude possible $$**

It is the ultimate expression of proper technique while in the face of resistance. $$

It is the swagger that comes with wisdom $$

It is confidence that can never be compromised $$

If this is supposed to be hell,
Then that is still fine with me because there is so much love everywhere that I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time $$**

Just got to witness a funeral procession compete with the school release rush…
While delivering of course 😂 $

As a reward, I went and grabbed some cookies to hold me over until I have enough grocery money for a full trip. $

I got some iced oatmeal cookies that I’ve never had before & i’ve eaten about half already $

I’m very proud of myself for how well it was going fueling wise,
But I’m not gonna get greedy as this morning‘s training was a little bit more intense than I anticipated.
Meaning, I basically did the two of fire and the king of air.
But I subbed for the cable on the King’s card $

I think I noted the big ass bowl of rice that I had at 5 AM, but I’m not sure $

I really don’t think you should often swear at people in traffic even in the privacy of your own car that often because that’ll just make you a dick
I also don’t think you should never do it because that’ll just make you more weird $$

Evil demons are not actually running the world,
People with stupid resentments are.
But I understand how they are functionally the same thing $$$*

It is 7:35 PM
Got a shit ton of work done
The boring monotonous kind so that’s a big deal.
Still got a mountain of other different slightly more entertaining monotonous work to do tho $

Those cookies went over way better than I expected
I was nervous cause the math said that I ate probably about 1500 cal faster than I normally do.
But I only bought the cookies to avoid a crash, not to jump into a surplus and go do some hypertrophy.
And I think the fact that I did not crash and I did not get super restless is evidence that I hit the mark because I was able to keep working pretty much uninterrupted $

I will confess for the record that I’ve used a little bit more hydroxy than I normally do over the past few days.
We are talkin an extra 5 mg a day or so, so it’s nothing too crazy, but it is definitely note worthy because of how tempting the substance is $

I’m also noting for the record that I finished more philosophy edits and I think I finally found the ceiling.
Or the point of diminishing returns,
I gotta be careful not to read the stuff too much or else it’ll lose it spark and I will just start deleting more shit and then getting upset that it’s not as good as I dreamed lol.
But if I am patient and I go probably a month or two in between readings, then it holds up pretty well $

Whenever you want to experience the fun kind of fear, you create a game.
Whenever you want to learn the most you can, you create a simulation. 
..
Enough said right? $$

It is 9:56 PM
Just finished the glorious gain bowl & Trying to unwind and let go creatively speaking.
Mostly so I don’t start tearing down all of my hard work..
And myself lol 😂 

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-19-26

519

Good morning world $

It is 1:35 AM $

I am in a tough spot
I want to watch some history documentaries, but I’m not trying to overdo it on the propaganda $

I am trying to watch this “the Great War“ documentary series $

It’s sad how my guard goes up now anytime someone starts talking about “defending democracy” $*

I’m not saying what we think about that war is all a lie,
But if it follows suit like everything else, then I don’t feel good about the narrative we were told $

I am happy to report that gain bowl has seemingly digested well.
& It’s officially warmer outside than it is inside, which is making it a delightful setting for the cigarette $

Not gonna lie,
There have been so many strange critters rummaging nearby during my last couple smokes that I’m getting a little nervous.
I’m mean these bitches are pretty close,
Hanging in the shadows about 20 yards away.
Just far enough to allow the imagination to really play.. $

I’ve seen possums and raccoons
A cat here and there, even though those are mostly during the day 🦝 $

Bro, these emojis are crazy
Having one of them senior moments lol
Remembering what it was like as a kid
Having to make everything from scratch if you remember what I’m saying ;) $

At this point, much of what we did back then that was tedious, will now become part of the hip counter culture.
Once it becomes too easy to get perfect quality, then we will value what takes work and extra effort and what carries some organic flaws $

Emojis and symbols and all of that are just modern day hieroglyphics $$

There is a secret sub language that you can detect based on your digital upbringing $$

I’m gonna go ahead and make my first bold claim of the day-
Those who played RuneScape are better adjusted than those who didn’t
Pretty much in every area $$$***

RuneScape was the cool MMORPG/
I’m happy to say that even as a young preteen, I had an extremely high-level character relatively speaking.
Mostly because me and the boys would just alternate between playing online and then recreating wars in the woods nearby with airsoft guns $

Never got into World of Warcraft or any other big ones.
For console, it was obviously the “elder scrolls” series that stole my heart and life during eighth grade summer.
Shout out to oblivion $

But dead ass RuneScape taught me at a hustle really young,
Or at least it helped me re-awaken some old memories.
And the lore of the game probably only assisted $

I now realize the reason why I get so captivated by some things is not because they are just simply cool or interesting,
But they are familiar on a deeper level.
Which is a fascination that can only be felt $$

But you need the contrast to expose it.
I truly believe if I did not have the Internet and the many gifts and games that pop culture have provided, that I would not have been able to intellectually LARP with different stuff to essentially recapture old intuition $

At the rate technology is going, we will pretty much be able to simulate any experience soon $$

Basically, I’m saying that when the VR gaming technology integrates with psychedelic technology, then shit is gonna get really crazy $$$

Imagine a video game that lets you experience Molly
And then the second you log off, it’s all good lol $

I also predict a day in which case basically every institution is equivalent to a playground of some sorts.
Whether it be physical or philosophical $

It is 3:03 AM
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude I can barely stand it.
I have switched back to trailer Park boys
Just had one of the best gain bowls of all time.
I have polished off a tablet,
And I have a quarter gram on the dessert menu $

I know I trained a little too hard yesterday because these are some of the best eggs I’ve ever had lol
And the same ones Ive had 1000 times lol $

I feel like angels like whispering shit to people when they’re not expecting it so they can watch them scramble to write it down.
Or get overconfident as if they’ll remember everything $$

On the real though,
When you’re real deep into a bodybuilding program or a serious performance based phase,
You can totally get high of discipline $$

Especially after a little bit of timing & after you worked out all the beginner bugs 🐛 $

But this is why a lot of Fitness freaks don’t do any drugs at all And are mostly addicted to their own routines.
Because you can get a lot out of doing simple basic boring shit if you find meaning in it $$

For a long time, I preferred to train in the evening, so it gave me something to look forward to during the day when I was trapped in an office.
Which gave me more incentive to eat properly instead of swerving out on all kinds of shit $

It becomes an everyday sport,
The art of competing with yourself 
…
And absolute insane idiots who are very much afflicted with bitchassness $

I think part of that, though is hormonal.
When you are genuinely in an aggressive building phase And your physically anabolic,
You derive pleasure off primal shit $

In many ways, this is great and it helps balance things out and keeps you away from bullshit,
On the other, you can almost become too comfortable “in your lane” $

It doesn’t seem like it on the surface,
But breaking out of those everyday pathways is the hardest thing to do. $$

Making new friends on top of working full-time and managing family doesn’t seem like such an energy expense, but for some, it is enough to nearly bankrupt them $$*

While those who are dependent on the attention from others find themselves unable to be alone & therefore end up falling for some kind of fuck shit over and over again. $$

You would think by not doing anything that it would somehow save energy, but not for these types $$

And it’s not totally their fault,
One of those everybody’s a little different things.
Introvert versus extrovert and all of that $$

There are significant dangers on both sides of the social fence $$

It is 8:45 AM
Just laughing at myself
Got up a little earlier to go lay on the floor to try to snag some dashes.
Ended up getting a perfect one in the neighborhood,
Was about to bail out halfway through because of a little traffic, but I forced myself not to,
And then ended up completing it smoothly with a good tip bonus.
That’s a miracle Dash for you $

At this point, I feel like there’s no other way to describe the amount of squirrels as anything other than some sort of invasion $

It makes me sad, seeing squirrel guts all over the road too but I swear these fuckers are suicidal $$

Nine out of 10 times they’re quicker than the car tho $

Wisdom is knowing that all of the new Dashers go hang out in their car by the Chick-fil-A…
While the adepts simply nap at home and wait on the ratchet McDonald’s $$*

It’s still so funny to me how the McDonald’s that I once swore off because they were so ratchet and unprofessional has become the most reliable place to dash from $*

I think when it’s all said and done, that most of my income from this side hustle has probably been routed through that place,
And that’s with taking about a month off $

You see, the secret is really about location and timing.
You can’t get wrapped up in the hype with the promotions,
You just gotta wait for somebody to place a big order who lives near the restaurant.
And the McDonald’s is one of the closest $

There’s a few technically that are a little bit more convenient in the shopping center nearby.
The same shopping center with the Dollar General that I once upon a time nearly gonna burned down… $

And there’s a couple neighborhoods including mine that surround it.
So if I just focus mostly on that, I usually come out around the same when you adjust for the fact that a lot of orders are complete bullshit $

Hams work more with glutes than quads do $$$*

Glutes grow the quickest $$

Hamstrings have the single greatest impact on your day-to-day life
But you could appropriately argue that actually it’s the glutes
 when you factor in the aesthetic 😉 $$*

You will never do better than balanced consistency $$$***

I’ve been training at church parks all my life 
Just never really knew why lol $

Most of exercise is just maintenance.
But the profane always think you’re trying to build some shit or burn some shit $$$***

You are a special kind of stupid if you speed in a neighborhood $$$$$$$$$

When encountering a poisonous insect, remember that it is better to get stung like a boss than to react like a bitch $$$*

It is 8:01 PM and I am just laughing to myself as I prepare to put my last dollar into the gas tank once again.
Just grateful for the opp lol $$

I speak three languages
English,
Symbolism,
& Sarcasm $

Ironic, the most profound things I’ve ever learned, was really just me realizing I already knew them $$*

As much as I love me some eggs, nothing beats some salty beef when you really need it $$

To be clear, I don’t love eggs all that much but they are dank when you are hungry $

It is 9:24 PM
Got a shit load of work done
Just ate probably 3/4 of a pound of ground beef.
Super dank $

I’m gonna make a confession and an admission,
I am becoming more suspicious that high fructose corn syrup should be taken more seriously $

I think it essentially bio hacks your body’s signal and can almost shortcut your food into fat storage.
I’m not gonna go on a tangent about it now, but the science is legit.
Basically it’s a type of sugar that tricks your body into gorging itself to fatten up for the winter. 🥶 $

I’ve known this for a while, but I now have pretty distinct experimental and experiential evidence that even in a deficit, it can cause your body to miscommunicate $

But I’ve now tested it several times,
I can eat a box or two and be totally fine and while the workouts are decent, they aren’t quite as HYP as you would expect $

And then there are other times in which case I have a small bowl of rice and that shit makes me want to run and gets in the way of my digital work 
(Hits harder than 1800 cals of rocket fuel) $

I also have plenty of evidence to reinforce the theory that the immediate feeling that you get after you eat is just your body authorizing the energy it already prepared from earlier.
 because there’s no way you can digest food that quick 
So it’s mostly placebo $$**

It is now 9:48 PM and I am calling it a Day $

I don’t even know if I mentioned much about my run at the park earlier,
I was most proud of actually just being out in the sun part of the time.
It was delightful, but my running was pretty atrocious
I only did maybe 2 miles at no more than a jog.
But normally, I probably would’ve been resting and doing nothing 
or some kind of inappropriate lifting..
 so I didn’t expect anything spectacular.
I’m happy with how it felt muscle wise, but I was low on the fuel tank $

Which kind of leads me back to that theory about high fructose corn syrup and cookies. because the 1500 cal of oatmeal cookies yesterday seemingly disappeared.
And I’m not setting a personal bests for leanness at the moment if you know what I’m saying…
But then again, now that it’s been over 24 hours, I can tell my body is dropping water
And I’ve switched back metabolically after a brief dip in the afternoon $

Sadly, I’ve had a sacrifice the second training session for the past couple days so that way, I don’t completely destroy myself.
But I seem to be still regaining a little bit of lean mass while dropping a little fat here and there $

My goal is probably another 3 pounds of subcutaneous fat.
I am very proud to say that I have probably zero visceral fat $

I did just eat a really big bowl of rice with butter…
I was craving some carbs $

Which is another interesting point.
I was not craving carbs until after a while after eating a lot of fat and protein $

Which is fairly normal and the proper pattern.
Better to crave fat first then carbs to polish off the reserves $$

So I am convinced that my body is regulating it signals better $

I’m gonna have to get serious and dial back on the cookies and crackers tho.
I’m going to replace it with about a pound of ground beef best I can.

And once again, truth be told, a big reason I’ve been eating so much rocket fuel is simply financial lol $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-20-26

520


Happy 1:46 AM $

Just thinking,
The most ballsy thing you could probably do,
Is building your own plane ✈️ $$$*

That’s the ultimate DIY $

Not all prisoners are hostages, 
but all hostages are prisoners. $$

Just some thoughts when thinking about aliens and demons and all of that.. $

Nothing returns as much energy as doing what you enjoy.
So whatever super advanced technology is out there has got to calculate for this fact $$

The ultimate production of wisdom is entertainment.
Not a surplus of resources… $$$*

I’m gonna have to make some flavorless electrolytes.
Or I’m gonna have to work on something that is both more concentrated and less flavorful that is designed to be drank throughout the day.
I’m gonna call it “brain fuel”.
And it’s just gonna be mostly saltwater lol $

But to where you can essentially microdose your buzz of choice,
so you can add a pinch of caffeine or kratom or CBD or thc and more $

Like a shaker cup with built-in squirts in the cap 
to where you can kinda hit a little button or something and it’ll drop it into your drink 🍹 $

I’m also gonna make a special vitamin stack that is designed to be taken in the most convenient and most consistent way possible,
No more forgetting to time it with your meal $*

Essentially, these will be snacks that are engineered for maximum bioavailability of vitamins $

I mean, they already got close with those Flintstone gummy’s If you know what I’m saying… $

I think there’s already some kind of product out there called “mud water” but I’ve been making it for years.
Which is really when you just refill your protein shake with water before an official rinse lol $$

But I’m saying it’ll basically be hydrolyzed protein with certain different calorie stacks that you can add to make it a gainer.
Either high carb or high fat $

I Will also engineer the most perfect gourmet PB&J packages $*********
 
Same for gain bowls $

And while I’m at it,
I’m going to create the greatest health and fitness club The world has ever seen.
It’ll be entire strip malls and shopping centers in size.
With all forms of movement taught by only the most dedicated masters.
With all forms of food and fuel within walking distance.
With all different kinds of cute pets, running around as part of the pet secret service.
With some of the most beautiful horticulture ever seen in a suburban setting.
With the greatest social icebreaking code ever… 👀 $$$****

Think of a Health club with a secret social symbolic code~
I’m thinking colored hats and wristbands.
For example:
Red- taken so friends only
Blue- single but shy 
Pink- single but seeking
Orange- leave me alone, please
Green- cool with whatever
Purple- fuck around & find out $$$*

Basically, the same technique that Some college parties utilize with solo cups, lol $$

I think one of the best parts about the gym is being able to listen to your own music and still be in your own world but with strangers. $$

So I think having something like that is an easy solution.
Simply to signal to others and to easily break the ice 🧊 $

It is 2:15 AM & time for a Smoky smoke.
Those other thoughts were just leftover from mobility lol $

It’s a pretty humid and neutral night
With a low roar from the suburban main vein nearby $

And I can hear a coyote yapping $

Boy do they sound creepy $

Saw a baby rattlesnake yesterday on the trail.
And then saw another little gardener snake a little further down that trail.
There were several snakes on the trail apparently hehe $

I think light pollution is one of the greatest crimes Nobody really talks about $$$*

I think the greatest evil is simply making shit as boring as possible $$$$$$$$$$$****

You have to make things a special kind of fucked up to incentivize people to kill themselves.
There has been untold suffering and struggle throughout the eons of time, 
but I’m willing to bet there’s never been a period in which we had people taking their own lives as often we do now.
So by that metric, I would argue that we are living in what is likely the hardest time of all the times $$$*****

All anything really is it just a matter of decision discernment $$

All judgment is founded on one’s ability to do the right thing in the face of emotional trials $$

Any fact is only as good as it’s frame 🖼️ $$$*******

Pain is always relative to purpose.
It is a causation relationship, not just a correlation $$

But what they don’t want you to know is, 
the same rope that they want us to hang ourselves with, 
we can use to employ all sorts of techniques to get jacked as fuck $$$***

And when you are bored philosophically, you can grab a board physically, and fix that problem pretty quick $$

Sticks and stones make strong bones 🦴 $$$*

But Ironically, 
the small stick is a harder lift than the big stick $$

Dragons typically have a smoky scent due to always playing with fire 🔥 $$*

Ever see a dentist destroy their rear delt on a lat pulldown?
I have.. $$*

Never trust a chef who doesn’t sample their own cooking 🧑‍🍳 $$*
(The more often, the better)

That “type one” stress hits different.
That’s that slow burn stress, that takes all of your energy & forces you to focus on on your breathing $$

Seems like most people are trying to win an award for being the most loyal puppet of all time $$$**

When they said puppet show, I didn’t think they meant a “retard competition”…. $$$

I am also happy that we can say that word again without it going over the wrong way.
Because only retards get upset at the word “retard”.. $$

“Would you rather” is one of the greatest games of all time.
And I’m making this note to remind myself to add it to the wall lol $$*

All entertainment is just something new to be aware of $$*

Here’s a crazy incentive-
If we convince the general public to lose 50 pounds of body fat that they carry around and they don’t need, 
we can eliminate all the bullshit luggage fees from all of the airlines everywhere $$$*

What else they don’t want you to know-
The biggest dudes were once upon a Time the smallest dudes $$*

Being able to plot and plan is useful,
But not as much as being able to go with the flow $$*

Wisdom is knowing that the hood is going to order “touchdown wings” pretty much no matter what 🪽 $

What if there are the equivalent of misunderstood aliens that are not bad but that need the equivalent of pawns to help people understand them ? $$

If every time you get to experience something cool, you will inevitably have to experience the pain of it passing on n.
Then I think the only thing worth focusing on, is getting good at dealing with pain $$

Evil can show up in many different forms, but often comes in the form of a job offer $$***

Cats sleep 20 hours a day and still understand that it’s important to get up and jump around and kill something for the family $$*

You know you’re pushing it when your phone starts overheating… $$

The theory of the Little Grey aliens just being super evolved humans just sounds like some shit that some skinny atheists would want you to believe $$$*

Cause there’s no way something is gonna evolve away from being jacked to being more frail and weak… $$$******

& the argument that they don’t need muscle because of their mind is inherently flawed… because mind is muscle $$

My car is dirty, but my conscience is clean 😏 $$

Any good deal should have a part of it that you don’t like.
It’s just less than any other bad deal $$

Jesus and the boys really understood the best way to help weak ass men is simply to give them a book. 📕 $$$***

And to make it a little strange to force a motherfucker to do the mental math hehe $$

If aliens have more powers than us, then I would argue that that does not make them more advanced.
In fact, I would argue that is the opposite.
Nothing more powerful than somebody who can control their emotions when isolated in a universe of bullshit $$$****

“Philosophical gangster shit” is awesome.
“Actual gangster shit” is terrible $$

Jesus was just the Tom Brady of karma back in the day.
Then the old school CIA decided that his example would make a pretty good story to control people with… $$*

When in a closely contested football game, & when one team knows it’s heading for sale mate, It becomes wise to prepare and plan for overtime.
Those who go to overtime statistically do better than those who tried to force it and finish early $$

Another thing they don’t want you to know-
You can put the food in the oven while it’s preheating and everything is gonna be OK.
Just throw on an extra couple minutes lol $$***

It is 8:14 PM
Guess what I’m doing…
If you guessed making a pizza, then you are correct.
And probably surprised.
It was an impulse buy when I went to grab eggs and electrolytes by Aldi’s at the end of a dash lol $

I am happy to also announce that I have linked over 360 some odd exercises.
And there are only two things left to finish up and the games are complete.
But the beauty is that it should be easy to update and fine tune and touchup.
But besides just upgrading the demonstrations overtime, this shit is ready to rock 🪨 $

So I think more and more I’m turning my focus towards consults,
And custom guides,
And A global version for a very modest price.
That way, you don’t have to go to Canva every time,
And it’s super simple and easy to operate.
You just download a PDF e-book basically $

So that’s kind of an indirect plug probably lol
Cause by the time you’re reading this, God knows what all is going on $

And in a perfect world, I’d never have to accept any money for coaching related material or time.
But I’m just gonna play the game for now and hopefully one day generate enough traffic from random book sales to where I can give everything away for free $

For now, I have found a way to both give it away for free and incentivize people to give your boy a little cash 💰 $

I take no credit and donate all proceeds to AAA lol $
(The philosophical one) 

It is time to switch gears and to throw on some “trailer Park boys” and chill $

The last guest on the Joe Rogan podcast was talking about people going missing in the national parks,
And how many disappearances are super suspect…
Definitely government or aliens kidnapping people.
Which makes me a little nervous not gonna lie $

Fucking love me some fried bread, 
but I do not love the micro cuts in your mouth that you get afterwards 🥖 $

And it’s kind of shitty that anything salty makes them hurt more lol $

But I just smashed that whole pizza
It was Tuscan inspired chicken flatbread with mozzarella, spinach and roasted tomatoes.
It was mostly bread honestly, but that’s OK.
I plan on doing some training in the morning $

Is 8:55 PM & time to finish a cigarette
A lovely sunset
I saw some breathtaking clouds earlier while delivering cheeseburgers lol $

You are time itself propagating a puppet $$

How does that make you feel? Lol $

I’m noticing more and more that it’s almost like different thoughts are available different hours of the day.
Your natural circadian rhythm obviously has something to do with it and brain waves, and all that shit.
But I really think that there are some universal energy frequencies or something that alternate based on the actual time of day.
That’s why most creatives create at night.
And why most laborers labor during the day $$

I am so mentally pooped though it is hard to put into words.
Which I get is very ironic at this point lol $

I’m gonna have to go on a super smooth dash run the next couple days so my phone doesn’t get cut off lol.. $

Because I’ve asked AAA Tonight and I just don’t think it is in the cards so I guess we’ll chill and reshuffle tomorrow $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-21-26

521

Oh my God, it’s here $

It’s finally here $

OK, I’m kind of kidding
But for some reason this day has been ringing in the back of my head
And I’m not really sure why $

I’m sure I’ll figure out whatever that means eventually
This whole notetaking strategy has proved most effective at investigating life’s many mysteries $$

*Lighter flick $

Nothing like a late 90s comedy movie to really evaluate your life’s decisions lol $

I am happy to report that pizza is digesting smoothly $

We’re watching “two tickets to Paradise“ $

You know it’s not good whenever you’re worrying about a football game in church.. $$$

Also, pretty shitty to be worrying about money but it be like that sometimes $$

Worst case scenario is to be praying about them both because you got money on the game lol $$

The catch to comedy is usually some kind of crippling cognitive disorder $$**

Just caught the juiciest cockroach I think I ever have.
I’m very proud that I caught him first try with the glass technique 
even though I’m trying not to vomit 🤮 $

I will confess that I have killed many cockroaches in my time.
Usually, they are dead on sight.
Other times, I have had to resort to the vacuum method $

If this was outdoors or in public, I would do my best to leave them be unless they scurried by my foot in which case they would receive the stomp $

Thinking about Brixx pizza in South Charlotte when I say that last line… $ 

If you know, you know lol $

I don’t need to gain much in this world to be happy,
I really just need to avoid getting trapped in some department store lol $$****

I’d argue that gambling addiction is uniquely insidious.
That is one of the highest forms of black magic
I mean, you’re literally getting people to throw their lives away just to be able to repeat a ritualistic behavior $$$

Sex addiction is also in the same family,
& Food addiction is also extremely complicated management wise $

Absence from drugs is pretty simple and straightforward although I would argue that the chemical consequences afterwards are uniquely torturous $$

Ultimately, these are diseases of selfishness.
It is what happens when a little bit of pleasure and comfort takes center stage in one’s spiritual life. $$

Which is why they are so difficult to overcome,
They require abandonment of ones own ambitions $$

It takes time to align well with God’s will.
But Once it becomes unconscious, it becomes easy because you surf the waves of your own newfound accomplishments $$

But until being a good person becomes muscle memory, one is particularly vulnerable to bitchassness $$$

This is basically what the 12 steps say lol-
Step one says you’re fucked,
Step 12 says you’re gonna help other people unfuck themselves.
In between is just the path of pain and purging lol $$*

Some of the wisest shit I ever heard once I got into rehab-
“It is not about gaining the world, it is all about losing the bullshit”
Or something like that $$

You know it’s rough when you’re reminding yourself that success is measured by obstacles overcome
Compared to stack of accolades per se lol $$$

The best thing ever happened to me, was to struggle before being given the chance to avoid it $$$

Thinking about personal training ,
It wasn’t until I started torturing other people with extremely small & fine details for development sake that I began to see the resemblance in my day-to-day affairs with my higher self lol $$

I’m just gonna say it,
Drinking large amount of beers is gross.
I think that’s probably the worst returns on energy investment one could partake in.
I’m not talking about choosing beer over liquor when the special occasion comes,
I’m talking about going “time to have a good day” and then buying a 24 pack to sip on for as long as possible.
Like the thought on being on a steady drip of alcohol is pretty disgusting $

That is why God made cannabis after all lol $

If you’ve seen the movie, then you can probably keep up with my philosophy, lol
If you haven’t seen the movie then this probably seems super random or like it’s directed at somebody $$

I don’t sell Jordans anymore, but if the shoe fits… $

It’s also a good time for a throwback note,
Did you know that I used to sell Jordans?
12 years ago, in fact.
I transitioned into being a full-time sneaker hustler after working third shift at McDonald’s lol.
This was the end of my first year of recovery.
& If you did know these things, then I gotta say I am both flattered and kind of creeped out because I know I mentioned them, but they were probably buried under a lot of bullshit which means you probably went back and read through a lot of my craziness $

Here is my writing process:
-I try to write things down
-Edit them a week later
-Take out any good shit a week after that
-Read back over it three months later
-trim 6 months later 
-rewrite 12 months later $$

I never really expected to enjoy writing daily and all of that.
When I first started this approach, I was just trying to get the routine and the muscles familiar with the movement if you know what I mean.
So most of whatever it was, was literally random.
Mostly out of order,
Mostly out of context,
But all honest insanity $

And after a little bit, once it became instinctual, then it became easy to record feelings and insights and jokes and more $

So right now it’s difficult to avoid the temptation of going back and modifying it to some kind of something.$

“I have enough white chips to re-tile my bathroom”
That was a common expression in the secret underground society.
Which I never could relate to because I was a one white chip wonder 😏 
…
..
.
But I do have enough seven hydroxy packages to redo my kitchen lol.
…
I also have an absurdly large pile of graham cracker boxes from the winter just make me laugh lol $

I swear to God half the reason why I was sober was my only ego ironically.
I wanted it to be a leader no matter where I went.
So after about 36 hours in the psych ward, I figured it was time to show out by being the happiest in the shittiest environment.
And I carry that “happy go lucky” delusional attitude to this day 😂 $

It is 1:17 AM
Time for a cigarette
Probably gonna shut the fuck up because I feel like I’ve already written a lot today lol
I did just upgrade the buzz tho so we’ll see $

I think I forgot to give Alex his proper credit for helping me with that roach.
If he wasn’t up on Night Shift doing his watch, we probably wouldn’t have cornered it.
And that fat fuck would’ve just kept ruling over his kingdom in the kitchen 🪳 $

I’m a very open minded individual except when it comes down to matters of abduction.
And I ain’t talking about legs..
Talking about aliens.
I just feel like the good kind aren’t into the whole body snatching business.
…
It just sounds like Some evil Epstein shit.
I feel like the good kind have such a unique, delicate way of making their presence felt without getting in the way of somebody and what they got going on $

I would argue that the single worst thing you could do for somebody is lift their weight for them.
You lose energy now & they lose energy they could have earned later. $$$

Only beings that want something from you will do something for you $$$***

Happy 1:23 a.m. $

I feel like if you have less than 30 years life expectancy left, you should be removed from government and all decision-making positions.
But you should be given the equivalent of a microphone and the ability to voice your opinions louder than other younger people $

We may be on the verge of destroying ourselves & each other, but at least Jell-O has come out with a sugar-free option to appease parents.. $

That last line comes from the fact that when I scroll to the Apple news, I see a headline about Jell-O in between the propaganda about the war and other political bullshit $

Have you ever seen somebody make a T-shirt out of their first babies ultrasound pic? 
…
Cause I have
 as of 5:19 AM
Without even leaving my chair
I can hardly believe it $

I’d argue that while it is tough and stressful now, the more mistakes that we can make and document the better.
Because we will eventually culturally mature, and learn how to handle smart phones and all of that $

Here’s a fun game,
And great content idea,
Go up to random people in the street and offer them money if they hand over their phone and allow you to go through it right there on the spot and broadcast the contents to the world 🌎 $$$****

Excluding obvious shit like getting into their banking app and what not, you just go through their screen time and their past week and what not and go from there $

I think that might be the greatest show ever $$

It’ll be very interesting to see people’s phones
And even more interesting to see the ones who don’t want you to see their phone📱 $$

If we were all eternal orbs of awareness, then the only thing that really matters is who has outlasted the most bullshit $$**

Is 5:25 AM by the way
Just jotting some thoughts $

There are two types of people in this world-
Ones who have learned how hard it is to burn body fat,
And the ones who have no clue because they have never even tried $$

I think stating your opinion about an opinion is about philosophically tactful as you can get.
Which just means starting a hot take off as “I would argue that it seems” or “I think that” $$

It is now 5:55 AM and I am watching the sunrise
Didn’t plan on it but happy to be here🌅 $$

“There’s only one group that does better woodwork than prisoners, and that’s the Amish” $$

Going from “love after lock up“ to a “manly P Hall lecture“ is about as radical as a pendulum swing as you can conjure up $

Anyone who says perfect isn’t obtainable or realistic, simply does not own a good pet $$*

Sometimes it’s better to use the word “patterns“ instead of “mistakes“ when doing an inventory,
 in order to avoid being to biased $$

Spiritual means philosophical
Philosophical means intellectual
Intellectual means intentional
Intentional means spiritual $$

Quantum physics makes more sense when you rename particles as just vibrational patterns $$

Particles are just notes of energy $

I think angry atheists are just afraid of their secrets coming out so they would rather deny that possibility then have to start amending their behavior $$

Can’t expect to learn to live forever effectively if you don’t learn how to say “no” $$

God literally made this universe so you could shake your ass and get it out of your system so I say get on with it lol $$$*

Art is just “competitive technique selection” $)

Loggin a magnificent gain bowl at 2:15 PM $

Saying all points in space and time are connected is like saying all of the levels in the video game are connected.
Because of the code written on the disk … $$

They say- “A picture says 1000 words“
I say- “Challenge accepted” $$

In the universe where everything is somehow controlled by somebody, the only thing that would be truly valuable would be the one thing that cannot be absolutely controlled;
decision-making $$

I will confess that I talk a big game for somebody whose last couple haircuts have been from the kitchen scissors lol ✂️ $$

Patience equals persistence $$***

It is 831 p.m.
And an amazing storm has rolled in
I also I’m very happy to report that I have finished recording all demos
I will be updating them on a regular basis so technically it’ll never be complete.
But it is ready to rock 🪨 $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-22-26

522

Happy 12:33 AM $

After going to first sleep earlier, I am up for an intermission
I will report that I am repelling a couple full frontal “bitch ass ness” assaults $

Every time I finish something major or reach some kind of milestone, my guard drops briefly as I basically go to recovery mode $

It’s kinda like at the end of a long race, you don’t really feel the pain until you finish $$

It is raining pretty hard
Which is adding to the aesthetic if you know what I mean $

The most mind and mood altering substance isn’t even a substance,
It’s just attention. $$$*

It is 4:01 AM and we’re doing a little smoke off $

Some early morning high strangeness is the fact that my lighter is suddenly completely out of fluid.
And that bitch was at least 2/3 full the last time I looked, 
which was not long ago… $

I mean, this is really weird.
I’m almost angry
Luckily, I had a back up.
But for real, there’s no explanation
The fluid is just gone. there’s no evidence of anything. $

Further evidence of reincarnation is how much of an angry geriatric I get whenever I am slightly inconvenienced.
Or when the smallest thing isn’t absolutely perfect $$

If your shirt matches your pants, then you’re just gonna look like some kind of walking fruit 🍎 $$$*

I feel like if you cheat on somebody, you should be allowed of one chance to change your ways otherwise you shouldn’t be allowed to date ever again $$$***

Or you must be resigned to selecting from other cheaters who have also failed to reform $$$***

You could also have some kind of long repentance process for those who have failed multiple times but have genuinely decide to turn it around $$

I am so excited, but I am also so exhausted $

I am proud, but I am also impatient $

I am curious, but I also no longer give a fuck lol $

I am crucified between two extremes,
Just like our savior would’ve wanted lol $*
 
I say better to talk about the super deep hard stuff on the first date then it is to wait.
I feel like that’s less pressure and you’ll be more honest. 
You can make it to first date tradition, like a game $$$*

(Then it takes away the pressure and awkwardness cuz everyone will have a game plan)


Avoiding a negative is more incentivizing than obtaining a positive,
And that most people work harder to avoid pain than to gain a reward $$*

Most people want nothing more than “time of time of work“ $$

And I obviously don’t mean in the reasonable sense $

I would argue that,
You should find work that you enjoy so much that you’re willing to exhaust yourself day in and day out for it.
And that the hardest part should be taking time off,
And that when you are away, you should be dreaming about being back at work $

And yes, I understand that is exactly what a workaholic would say $

So I’m obviously putting a caveat on it.
By work, I mean, whatever purpose brings you pleasure.
And also harmony to those around you $

That last part is where most people struggle lol $

Is 4:59 AM
Polishing off a cigarette,
Polishing off some philosophy for how to live a happier healthier life lol $

Kidding aside,
Soon medicine actually will be able to manage and manipulate health conditions with much less consequence.
Thanks to the many different asshats who have paved the way of course.
So when there’s a peptide that basically guarantees immortality as long as you don’t get yourself killed,
Then merit and meaning will be measured by one’s ability to be cool under pressure, and less about earning prizes for preaching propaganda $$$

Smoking will be healthy again because it forces you to not take yourself too seriously $$

But all of the peptides in the world will not keep you from the pain of being a prick $$$*

Netflix has added quite a bit of new different sleep aids.
I mean, historical documentaries $

Happy 8:02 AM from the floor.
I’m gonna idle until I am fully awake enough to responsibly consume caffeine apparently $

Honestly, at this point, I think I’m about to say fuck it with that whole rule of waiting 90 minutes to consume caffeine after waking. 
…
I disobeyed that for years with pre-workout and everything worked out great so… $

There are two sides to everything,
Even the two sides.
Which is why you gotta get familiar with looking at four things at once lol $$

Doing something again and again and expecting a different result is just practice
And also the definition of insanity… $$$

A manchild is a quite hideous creature.
An adult on the outside, but a child on the inside.
Not exclusive to bio males either $$$* 

Most would simply rather be an asshole than be dumb.
Not realizing that makes them both $$$*

I’m not sure what’s worse,
Making things harder on other people because you’re weak,
Oblivious,
Or an asshole $$$

Overcast Fridays are the best for dashing because you don’t get baked in the sun and everybody else is depressed so they order more sandwiches $$*

Contrary to public belief,
Excuses cannot be exchanged for energy $$$

Games only begin when you start doing things for the love of it rather than for survival $$

I feel like even my skin has evolved to exist in atmospheres of Grey $

I believe invisibility is a real power,
But you can only use it when someone’s not paying attention $$*

I also believe that we can learn to fly,
 We just have to be invisible when we do it lol $$**

The starving artist phase is very difficult because nobody in the right mind would choose to go without food for a project $$$***

Nature is healing because it’s like getting a consciousness hug $$$

It might just be me, but I feel like the cold awakens more ancient memories than the heat $$

I fully recognize it could just be my ginger ass, constantly slithering into the shade $

I must test out a new theory.
My theory is that the tea that I drink midday may be indirectly backfiring via dehydration.
I’m gonna switch to the squirt, as I drink the equivalent of two shots in the afternoon.
It seems to do well with the electrolytes,
Which is my current pre-workout drink. $

(Ehhh jury still out lol)

Just had an amazing conversation with a neighborhood cat.
Pretty sure he’s Alex’s dad
The motherfuckers tough as nails 💅🏻 $

Can’t be a Devine man if you don’t know how to work like one $$$*

The best place to hide something is usually behind something seemingly ridiculous $$**

I think actual ethereal demons just look like really scary energy spiders basically $$

Anyone who talks shit about our modern measuring system is clearly not initiated $$

It might take you three seconds to maintain what took you 30 years to build,
Because you can destroy it just as fast if you make the wrong decision $$$*

Here’s a new million dollar app idea~
“Random music player” antidepressant.
It’s like the anti-alarm clock,
It goes off when it wants,
Playing some super dope shit for at least three minutes,
and you just have to deal with it.
You can get upset..
Or you can dance 🕺 $$$***

You should treat others BETTER than you wish to be treated,
cuz then you’ll be a good dude and you avoid being a victim regardless of results $$$*

Evil isn’t tricking you into believing in hell isn’t real,
Evil is tricking you into believing that you’re not already there $$$*

Evil is also tricking you into thinking that hell is a bad thing.
Hell is just the lesser of the realms,
And if it’s the worst possible outcome for Some, 
that just means it’s the best possible place for others $$$*

You can’t have a proper hell without it being self created,
Otherwise, you would just be a justifiable victim.
And some people love nothing more than a good pity party 🎉 $$***

Any New Age masterpiece has to be random as fuck because that’s just the product of the times $$

Biological fear is different than philosophical fear,
Because anybody can trick your lizard brain into releasing some chemicals you didn’t authorize,
But nobody can make you draw the wrong conclusion $$

(They can definitely fuck with the evidence tho…)

Those with adhd were just drummers in a past life $$

Better do be cool in the long line than to be anxious in the short line $$$***

I feel like people with nice cars enjoy being caught in traffic so that way more people can see them… $$$

(So “law of attraction”, work your magic 🪄)

I may not have that much these days, but it is better than dining on my own delusion like I used to do $$$

Rice is just a substrate to make gain bowls more glorious $$

& Really anything else for that matter.
It is probably the ultimate complementary food,
The dominant dietary wingman 🍚 $$

Jesus would still probably use the men in black…
Just saying $$

Even the largest groups of people are the same 12 personality types just shuffled around a bit $$***

If my suspicions about my past lives are correct,
Then I would 100% cripple my own dopamine during the pre-life planning stage to soften me up and to force me to not be such a dick this time lol $***

Also, because I get the sense that I was essentially the adventurer- hardass -go-getter type and I probably was extremely judgmental on people who just couldn’t “get it together“ $

Jokes on my old military selves,
Because it doesn’t matter how many men you manage if you can’t manage your emotions.. $$

 Atheists are right about one thing…
It’s no accident that we got where we are $$$****

It took a lot of work $$

*Lighter flick $

It is 10:05 PM
It is also raining cats and dogs.
It’s kind of funny because it looks like the forecast for the next week is pretty much nonstop rain.
Seems fitting considering the drought from the past month and a half.
Also pretty funny because I was starting to get some pretty good sun.
So it’s a nice little tanning break I guess $

I mean, as if I needed one…
I’m seriously gonna go for it this year and see how tan I can get doing a little bit every day.
But I’m know I’m not really fooling anyone lol $

I’m happy to report that all of the exercises are linked on the resistance games and I’m putting the final touches on some of the icons.
Which would leave just the math left $

I’m also happy that I got most of my social media strategy shit handled moving forward so that way I can both clear the cache and Chase the cash 💰 $

I will confess that I should probably be delivering pizzas right now.
But the rain is not the only thing that is absolutely flooded…
Careful what you wish for lol $

When it gets too busy, you just get orders from all over the town which just dilute everything making it a lost cause.
So I’m gonna hope that tomorrow can pull out a Hall of Fame day $

I know AAA has my back.
I’m obviously talking about the philosophical triple AAA but knock on wood, I hope the local physical boys are doing well too lol $

Really only aiming for about $120-$150.
Which isn’t insane,
And I could usually pull that in a good four hour stretch if it’s crazy busy $

I’ve beaten that before on single day totals,
But those are usually holidays.
So I’m hoping all these college kids that have come back are gonna be resting and eating lots of cheeseburgers and pizza lol $

What if the whole Epstein shit is just a massive bait and switch..
And it’s just angry aliens luring pedophiles into caves under the impression that they’re gonna eat the innocent… in reality these beings just devour the despicable $

(One can hope…)

The only people that deserve to get eaten are the ones who are trying to eat others $$$*

Then again, that’s why they made bears I guess lol $

I’m dead serious that we should just round up all the criminals of the most heinous variety and just drop them in the middle of the woods and let nature do its thing $*

AnyWho,
Bouncing around a bit more
Just had about half a pound of a ham steak
And a moderate bowl of rice 🍚 $

I’m not quite sure which is more bold-
Trying to dash late at night in the pouring rain,
Or punting till tomorrow and giving it all I got when Saturdays have been pretty shitty.. $

I’m punting lol $

I was never that good at Madden,
Good enough to wreck anybody who never played of course,
But I wasn’t that bad for somebody who refused to ever punt $

Funny how most of my adult life, The hardest thing was to spend one night at home alone doing nothing.
So I guess it’s no coincidence that I had to eventually master that $

You know it’s balanced when you could throw it away just as fast as you could take advantage of it lol $$**

I say it’s better to buy your friends stuff full price and refer others,
 than expect a discount or freebies $$$

Until we abolish money and our current wage slave system of course $

Anytime, someone wants to submit something fucked up as evidence against divinity,
 then you get to submit something truly beautiful as evidence for it $$$

And I guarantee you that numbers are on God‘s side,
Mostly because every birth is a miracle and not every death is a tragedy $$$

If we’re supposed to learn how to live forever and we’re only 14.3 billion years old, then we’ve got a long way to go.. $

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THOUGHTS I HEARD

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5-23-26

523

Oh hello there 
…
How’s it going? 
…
Don’t mind me,
I’m doing fine,
Just watching a documentary on “Alexander the great becoming a God”.
Definitely nothing to read into here… $

*Lighter flick $

It is 2:15 AM
It also means it is time to polish off a lovely little nug $

This GMO weed is honestly quite impressive $

I cant imagine what things are gonna be like in about 10 years… $

It doesn’t really matter what you pick, you’re competing with a robot lol $$

Which is ironic because the robot is trained off the training data that you are supplying now
(you meaning the general public obviously) $$

Eventually, we will get to a point to where technology basically has fully flattened everything out.
And pretty much everybody’s got a robot that can do everything
And eventually, all that’s gonna really matter is merit $$

I think 27 is probably the perfect age to first do psychedelics.
The brain is still developing until age 25,
And likely one does not fully have the right pathways dug deep enough to survive pruning the bad pathways.
And you need a good raw round with life from the ages of 25 to 27 to really humble you before that shroom fully cuts the cord $*

Because if you get into it too early, then you’re just gonna turn into an unhinged hippie.
And if you wait too late, then you’re gonna have a lot of trauma and a long list of regrets $*

But on that note, I would also argue that the power of psychedelics increases the older you get.
It’s just that the trip itself is only a small fraction of the entire magical process.
If you do not have the intent or the ability to change your behavior once you receive a fresh coat of brain pathways, 
you’re not gonna really appreciate their power $*

But if you’re a good person,
And you’re open minded,
And you’re willing to be better in the areas that you honestly can,
And you have some patterns that you rather outgrow,
Then you will come to appreciate the term “miraculous” $$

Even the most uptight narcissist has the potential to become an open-minded advocate once they’ve had their shit rocked hard enough lol $$$

I don’t care how intoxicated somebody thinks they have been,
The psychedelic experience is unique, and if it has not been experienced, then it cannot be properly explained $$$

Honestly, the documentary on Alexander the great wasn’t that great.
So TPB & gain bowls it is $

True hell is not fire and flames,
It’s just realizing all the shit you missed out on due to your own bitchassness.
Cause there’s nothing more painful than knowing you earned your shit..$$$

Put another way,
owning your shit Is harder to do than dealing with actual flames because that is why there is a difference between hell in heaven $$*

I will confess the record that I was just attacked by some bitchassness while making eggs.
Nothing too crazy, but it is still something I’d like to not repel again.
I’m sure it was some repressed trauma,
Some anger that wants to come sideways $

The eggs are pretty good though $

Sorry, not sorry for this one-
…
Did you know that most people have herpes?
…
Nearly everybody has the oral herpes,
And two out of three people have genital.
It’s so common they don’t usually even test for it unless you request it.
It’s just that most people don’t have many flareups $$

You can thank the trailer Park boys for prompting that one $

A suburban sly stride is when you get some crusty or dusty on your foot, and you knock it off by grazing the carpet $$***

It is 3:27 AM 
it has stopped raining long enough so I can finish the last part of my cigarette unobstructed $

I need to remember to get a new lighter ASAP after my last one had all of its fluid mysteriously vanish..
Seriously, super weird $

I am also pretty behind on sleep…
I’ve got some legitimate financial stress making it a little difficult
Shocker $

If you wanna know how God feels,
Just imagine being cursed at, hated on, mistrusted, and misunderstood by the thing you loved most and did everything for $$$*

They say Jesus was a carpenter because he was most concerned about framing shit properly $$$****

No offense to the giant mycelium patch out in Yellowstone, but It seems that my ego is the largest organism around $$$*******

I don’t know if it’s inspiring or disappointing how much some people are willing to do for an Instagram post $*

Easier to judge others as fools instead of yourself $$

Walking into McDonald’s on Saturday morning is like walking into a modern day battlefield the day after $$

An organism has to experiment in order to learn.
Remember that when trying something risky $$

The thrill for the dopamine hits that one gets with attention is somehow often confused with actual love $$$

If you can learn from other people’s experience and mistakes, then you can shortcut the process ninefold $$

Physicist be like “I only deal in probabilities”
OK, then…
what’s the probability that the pyramid is perfectly aligned and sized and modeled after the Earth?
And why is the Earth one 100 of the sun?
And why is the moon 1/4 of the Earth? $$$

(Sun is 109x larger, can hold 1.3 million earths, its mass is 333x earth
…
Earth is 4x larger than moon, mass is 81x (9squared… & you can fit 49 moons inside earth… ya know.. 7 squared……..
…
Can’t make this up people. 
Study your numbers is all I can say..)

Shit is really fucked up Not because God designed it that way,
But because we did $$***

Anything that convinces you to steal from your family is evil.
But not as evil as something that convinces you that you are not stealing from your family when you actually are $$$***

Considering how death is not final,
Capital Punishment seems like the ultimate punt… $$

If a person is limited to the extent of their memories and experiences,
& if all points in space and time are connected in the sense that what happened yesterday is part of who you are today,
…
Then It is impossible to separate who you are in this moment from the things that made you who you are $

It is 2:42 PM and I am at the lion getting cigarettes and cat food lol $

Sometimes I can use my fear of social interaction as a deterrent from buying more cigarettes thus slowing my smoking $*

You shouldn’t listen to Any voice that says “I’m missing out “ $$$

Imagine still believing in accidents in 2026 $$$

It is 5:22 PM
Just delivered some lemon pepper wings lol
Polishing off a cigarette now
It is nice and misty out here $

It is perfect fishing weather
If it stays at this level, I might be able to pull out a miracle tonight.
Otherwise, I’m gonna have to get creative to avoid another crucifixion in the morning $

I wish there was a public equivalent of AA meeting,
One that specializes in Fuckery but that doesn’t get too religious.
A real street church ⛪️ $

Completeness is when who you are behind closed doors becomes who you are in front of the world $$

If I learned anything this past year, it’s that people still need pizza even on the brink of World War III $$**

Just had a delivery next to the pond I used to sneak and fish at when I first got into recovery.
I mean, I would’ve been out there all the damn time around this time 14 years ago.
It’s in the middle of this big neighborhood nearby, but truthfully, I actually forgot where it was years ago.
And I just happened to stumble back upon it.
I doubt I can go back out there and fish because one time this one dude kinda got on me and made it weird.
But ever since I caught that 7 pound bass that one afternoon, I haven’t really felt the urge to go back.
It’s kind of funny how many fishing rods you can fit in a Prius $

It is 8:42 PM and I have made an “executive decision”
…
*Pours shot 🥃 $

The worst thing anyone can do about anything is to sit around stressing $$$***

There are many different techniques to practice acceptance.
Ironically, the alcohol approach is one I am the least familiar with, but it is fairly reliable at least in the short term lol $

I am not intending to sound dramatic
I am doing great,
I am just really tired and exhausted.
The stress is all from problems of privilege but still comes at a biological cost that I am simply working on managing $

Cough cough..
*Pours shot $

I am feeling substantially better lol
I don’t know where the buzz will go this evening tho
I’m not really trying to get too loaded
“Just enough to take my mind off work” $

Lol, spoken like a good wage slave 😂 $

Cough, cough, cough cough
*Pours shot $

OK, that last one was a little extra lol $

After the 3rd, it can safely be considered an experiment. $$

It is 9:30 PM
And I am stepping out for a cigarette $

I swear to God every time I get an alcohol buzz, I have all kinds of crazy nostalgia flashbacks of the most ancient kind $

Which would make sense because it’s highly likely that I was drinking a lot..
Like everybody else $

It is very ironic that I would be in a position in which alcohol would be a “healthy” thing to do
…
I think I had two shots last weekend, but I can’t really remember when I drank before then
And I’m pretty sure the last time I was even close to being legally drunk was back in October and I think I wrote about it,
Something about macaroni and cheese being involved as well… $

So in many ways, I feel as my ancestors would be proud.
Cause I did get a lot of work done today.
I’ve even done a good bit of reading the past few days,
Training has been on point too.
Even though dashing has been less than what I need, my inputs have been better than ever, and if it was naturally busier than I would have more money than the last six months lol $

I really am so grateful for the opportunity to master appreciating the mundane
…
I am very excited to graduate on ASAP though $

You know, I bet people didn’t even recognize the secret of salting tf out of everything back then.
That plus hydration via alcohol probably enabled them to perform low intensity long duration activity forever $$




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5-24-26

524

Happy 1:50 AM $

Can’t believe how many people walk around with an unfinished amend’s list $$$

(lol starting off hot)

I mean, most people will shit the bed and just be like “it’s cool. I’m sure I can just pretend like I never happened“ $$$*

You can tell who’s made the effort and humbled themselves before,
Mostly because they’re the first to admit their wrongs $$

If you run from an apology then it just gets more difficult to make $$

At a certain point, avoiding cleaning up the mess becomes worse than making it $$

Anytime you find yourself invested in the plot of a movie or a show,
Whether positive or negative,
Then you immediately have to give credit to the actors and actresses for already tricking you into forgetting it’s fake $

Because if somebody’s acting is so bad, you won’t be able to even consider the storyline $

The wisest shit is just knowing when to rest $$*

Really hard to hide who you are if you write 1000 words a day $$*

A 100 word tweet is a good sample tho $$

As we speak, I am surfing the waves of pride and despair.
Nothing major, but it’s almost like I’ve got some bitchassness whispering in my ear.
The difficult part with bitchassness is that it is almost always somewhat correct. Just the worst possible perspective.
Otherwise, it wouldn’t carry any weight at all.
So the crux is if you listen to it or not.
It’s like if your brain was a radio that accidentally lands on a really shitty frequency $

The gym is just a metaphysical laboratory 🥼 $$$*

You can say that I wear a different kind of
 white coat though 🥼 $

I bet you It’s not gonna be long before we have conclusive evidence that having a pet is extremely beneficial for your biological bacteria.
And obviously is an amazing antidote for the philosophical bad bacteria $$

I love dogs, even though I don’t really have too much experience with them in this life.
But there is something special about a cat that chooses to be your friend.
I think it’s because of their natural independent nature that it gives it more meaning when they choose to bond $$

And also, I just think that we need to normalize their badassness more $

And as we speak, the cutest cat that I met the other day is rubbing on my leg
That is so sweet sweet $

Oh, she’s purring so loud 
she’s so friendly $

The anxious nervous Nancy in me is kind of scared to see her out all the alone but I guess I can’t control nature $

Her owner was walking by the other day and the cat was just following along like a puppy.
Now she’s just chilling on my stoop with me $

I bet Alex is gonna lose his mind when he smells her $

I’m all kinds of nervous now, lol 
but that is one of the craziest synchronistic moments of all time.
I mean, I literally have evidence how I was just saying it and the cat just come strolling up $

A suburban shit Sunday is when the Wi-Fi is out for no reason and you’re forced to go into the back storage room and you are confronted with all of the relics from your past relationship…
…
Including the bear that you bought the day you told her you loved her… $

This is pretty shitty man
This bear is cute as fuck
I forgot all about him $

Well, I got played by T-Mobile..
They said that I had another couple weeks to get the bill together..
But they shut my shit off anyway $

It’s pretty fucking lame and not very heroic but now I had to put it on my mom’s credit card.
So I feel quite confident that it’s not gonna go over well at all $

I’m going on a walk now
Happy 8:52 AM $

Imagine throwing a surprise party for somebody to just complain the entire drive there because they can’t be at home hiding from the unexpected.. $$$*

It is now 9:53 AM
I have made my disclosure and whatever bullshit apology I could.
I was as honest as one can be without doing more harm than good.
I am going to the park now to walk.
And I am forcing myself to bring the vest.

I don’t care if anyone else is proud of me because the pride I have for myself is enough for 10 men $*

I may not like it,
But it is still probably better to eat the fast food at the park than it is on the couch..
Just please don’t litter 🚯 $$$

Being an alchemist just means that you are responsible for turning a bad situation into a good situation $$**

Earth is just one giant emotional cold plunge $$***

The body does this weird thing to where in the first three weeks of a stressor, it tries to work too hard to prove a point. “Overcompensate”
And then, after that, the opposite and it tries to cut corners wherever it can $$*

Bitchassness greatest goal is just to get you to lose faith in the alternative $$***********

It is 11:26 AM and I have returned home from a nice balanced ruck at the park.
Nothing too crazy, but I’m glad it felt easy physically and emotionally once I got the vest on and I got moving $

Memorial Day is just Halloween for the military types $$**

It honestly wasn’t until I started playing with small dials & circles that I started to take reincarnation seriously because gauges and clocks look strangely familiar… $$

Two ways to be original-
Do something no one’s ever done before,
…
Or do something everybody does all the time, but in a slightly different way $$*

A drone is now just as dangerous as a dumbass,
But a dumbass with a drone is the most destructive $$$*

Best way to rewrite the past is by reshaping the future $$$

“How many eggs can one man eat before he is traumatized for good?”
A Novella $****

If you can’t find anything original to do then just change the framing..
At least that’s what what all the hacks do anyway $$

I will admit that the bitchassness came out strong this morning with a full frontal attack.
But I have pulled out some counter techniques and I am happy to report that I am gaining ground quickly $

The goal is to be such a good dude that you can’t even hide it when you look like a fucking bum lol $$$**

It is 2:25 PM and I am gaining momentum.
I honestly feel like I’ve received some kind of upgrade already from twarting the assault this morning $

When you randomly break out into song and dance, then you know you’re doing pretty good $$

The only way to truly learn humility is to come back from the loss better than before $$$***

Most people are not actually evil,
They are just selfish and persuasive $$**

It is 3:44 PM and leaving the lion now.
Very exciting news,
Got some creatine for the first time in a couple months.
And eggs..
And paper towels, lol $

Maturing is paying extra for the thick paper towels 🧻 $$

I’m officially rubbing the top part of my steering wheel raw.
I mean, literally it’s flaking off now lol $

You can discover both your purpose and your poison based on what you have trouble staying away from $$*

You have to be a spiritual masochist to want to incarnate in earth 🌎 $$*****

You don’t have to watch many prison documentaries to find inmates bragging about how much harm they’ve caused.
Just like you don’t have to watch many political campaigns to find politicians hiding all the money they’ve made $$

I’m not saying fat people are evil..
Most are amazing actually,
But I do think that the most evil are probably the most fat.
Therefore, 
Jesus would just simply be the greatest personal trainer and would know of all the best & unique ways to torture people for their own well-being $

And because there are sedentary, they will have never seen it coming, and will have no defense against push-ups & the trail $$

Most would rather sell their own soul than just have some discipline for dinner.. 🍽️ $$

If all you have to look forward to is whatever is coming up on Netflix, then maybe you should investigate psychedelics… $$$***

Just landed a miracle Dash in the neighborhood lol
Might’ve been the fastest yet~
$10 in less than 10 minutes isn’t bad $

Lol the Cookie Monster has found me after a long break and I am at the Lion smashing cinnamon crackers at 9:17 PM $

This is the best batch ever $

It is 10:13 PM and I have eaten probably 1200 cal worth lol.
I’m not kidding when I said that is the best most fresh batch I think I’ve ever had.
It’s honestly kind of weird,
The cravings came out of nowhere.
And I mean, they came on just as strong as the carb monster had been, although I hadn’t grappled with him in a week.
This is also after eating a decent gain bowl.
So I really think this is some kind of intuitional something or other because I’m gonna do some hypertrophy in the morning and I definitely need the extra carbs for it $

We’ll see if it backfires in a couple hours restlessness wise.
But again, I had been really good at mostly burning fats for the past week.
There was even a night or two I didn’t really even have dinner $

So I’m trusting my gut
And I am anticipating an amazing session because I also got the creatine he he $





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5-25-26

525

Happy 2:08 AM $

Happy Memorial Day $

*Lighter flick $

It is a wet one so far $

I heard a new conspiracy theory that honestly I’m buying at face value.
Something about a Weather controlling satellite being shot down or finally malfunctioning, which has ended the drought and the strange seasonality pattern $

And bro, our weather has been so weird that I am open to many different explanations $

Cause suddenly after being dry as fuck for weeks, it’s now supposed to rain basically for a couple weeks straight $

I think we need to reframe something very important,
If today is Memorial Day, then we need to remember everybody who has fallen in the war on drugs too.
I don’t have the stats on me at the moment
But the amount of people that have died directly or indirectly as a result of this “war“ dwarfs the wars of our grandfathers.
It has turned gas station parking lots into Battlefields and church basements into philosophical first aid stations . 
God knows how many hearts have been broken with that phone call that nobody wants to get.
The first few casualties i witnessed came before I even turned 18 when a couple friends close to me took their own lives. 
Because the “war on drugs” is not a war on chemicals, it is a war on cognitive dissonance $$$***

I feel like it is only fair that Every physician who’s ever given me a pill, try one of my training prescriptions for at least 90 days.
I’d also be willing to test my lifestyle results against any pharmaceutical regimen $$$**

Pretty much all you need to do is fine where you love and be willing to build yourself up to be better for it.
The route to mastering any art will force you to develop your character or you will simply descend into madness, lol $$*

trying to “do the right thing” based on what other people say is the equivalent of treading water until you figure out where you want to swim to.
If you eventually don’t start moving towards something, then you will simply drown from your own fatigue $$$

You’d view Memorial Day a lot different if you realized you died during some dumb war in a past life $$

I remember when I first got into recovery and I heard somebody say-
“If you and I were in the same room, and someone said only one of you is walking out clean, then I feel bad for you”
And that is the mentality I have with anything important that requires commitment $

If there is a commitment competition, then I feel really bad for my Challenger lol $*

It is 3:19 AM
Just finished that box of graham crackers officially.
Polishing off stogie in the middle of a nice trailer Park boys montage.
This is what life is all about
This is what all the fighting was for over the last 400 years $

Best way to honor the ancients:
Take a moment and appreciate something that you usually take for granted $$$***

Sorry, not sorry for this one~
I now challenge you to complete one random act of kindness without getting caught.
And now that you’ve read that Line, you will notice an opportunity in which you will have a decision to make.
And if you bitch out, then you will have to eventually answer for why $$$**

Could be something simple like picking up trash,
That never gets old unfortunately.. $

Swear to God, I just saw a UAP $

Can’t believe some people would rather LARP as egocentric monkeys than hustle to become a Devine supermen.. $$$***

Art is just a competition of who can do the most with the least $$*

An actor who actually believes in their pain is a victim $$***

lol left my registration in my pocket 
Gotta make sure it’s there when I leave $

Give some people a stone and they’ll give you an excuse,
While Others will literally transform their entire lives $$$

You hide from stones long enough and you’ll end up with a lab coat or sitting in front of one 🥼 $$$****

(Idk which is worse in the long run…)

I cannot stand insecure men.
Which is why I was so restless for so long.. $$

If you think I’ve got a big ego, you must not have met many 22 yr old women $$$

I only trust god & the ancients and angels as much as I do because I’ve been pushing the envelope for 18 years & have never gotten a “return to sender” $$*

Some find a packed gym stressful and annoying ,
But I think it’s one of the most amazing places to be.
Sure half the people look like slutty power rangers,
 while the others look like bank robbers, 
but anyone who’s willing to struggle in front of others for “optimal well being” is a friend of mine,
And a soldier in the war on bitchassNess $$$*

I say you receive a special spiritual promotion the day you strangle a cop a get away with it 😂 $$$****

This is about the worst memorial day of all time to have a cookout.
I swear to God, the weather has been so weird that somebody’s fucking with it.
I mean, what are the odds we would have monsoon level downpour at the peak time of when everybody would be partying by the pool $

I also need to record my gratitude for landing a miracle Dash, which might be the best of all time.
$17 to come back to the neighborhood with no delay.
So worth the rain 🌧️ $

It is never your fault or your responsibility to get somebody to look at the bright side.
If the feeling that comes with bitchassness isn’t enough, then there is nothing that you can say or do.
The best you can do is present the alternative and see if they decide to hold on to their pain or not $$$****

The problem with some of the biggest, most insightful studies is that they rely on very few individuals because of the unique circumstance that they find themselves in.
….
It would be unethical to go around fucking people up just to study them… right?…. $$

The biggest delusion of all time is that something bad is gonna instantaneously happen just because you admit you’re afraid.
When in fact, it’s the opposite.
Not only does the fear immediately lesson it’s hold on you, but also usually everyone around you feels better and appreciates the honesty.
And considering how almost all mistakes are born out of fear, by admitting this upfront, it makes it much easier to clean up any mess later $$**

The greatest skill of all time would just be to be able to ask the right question at the right time $$

The “sophomore swagger” comes from the false confidence of doing good as a freshman, but yet to have your shit completely rocked by life as a junior only to have to rebuild everything as a senior.
…
Applies to all schools, both physical and philosophical $$**

Well, I just noticed I have a nail in my back right tire.
That’s kind of shitty
But that may be an opportunity to elicit my dad’s help with something he is really good at.
And if I know the ancients, I know they like to use nails to repair relationships… $

It was 333pm on Memorial Day when I picked up some cheeseburgers from McDonald’s just to deliver them to someone working at Zaxby’s 😂 $

I have officially returned to social media as of 6:36 PM on 525 lol $

Honestly, I love philosophy so much, I probably would incarnate with an addiction just to get the good shit. $$***

It is 8:33 PM and time to polish off a cigarette after a long, crazy productive day $

*Queue the fireworks 🎇 $

I really don’t mean this as a slight against her,
But I really couldn’t enjoy fireworks for the past couple years because my ex would have panic attacks. 
They were pretty intense and pretty dramatic too so each time I would have to basically go into caretaker mode.
And my ex before that also struggled with PTSD and was prone to debilitating and overwhelming flashbacks as well unfortunately.. $

It is 11:16 PM and I can’t sleep lol $

*Lighter flick

We’re gonna polish off another cigarette.
I literally just have too much energy and I cannot do anything else because I need a break from everything because I’ve been going nonstop again $

The difference though is that I’m not having to figure out so much stuff so now I have a surplus of energy physically, but intellectually I am still burnt because if I keep working, I’m going to just make it harder for tomorrow $

Point being the hard part is once again to rest $

I can feel myself metabolically switching to more fat efficiency.
The crackers vaporized quickly as I noted last night, but that was the first time in a week that I had a carb reload $

And I didn’t have anything to eat all day today and felt fantastic as long as I remember to take a shot of salt every couple hours 
Otherwise, my head would begin to feel it $

Reinforcing my theory that cognitively speaking, you can burn a fuck load of energy $

So anyhow, just working on balancing shit out $

I said the other day, that it’s much more likely that we came from aliens than from monkeys.
But I will concede that the behavior of Some makes that point hard to make… 🐒 $*



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WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

5-26-26

526

Happy 1:39 AM $

Sleep is going pretty shitty I will not lie $

But in like a good way, cause I simply just have too much energy $

So what is one man to do… $

*Grinder squeak $

If only there was a herb that could help… $

And if only there was a show that was designed to go with it… $

Lol I think you get it if you’ve read any other days $

“Trailer Park boys” and the stanky dank $

That sounds like some kind of mystery novel series lol $

Anyone else remember the Hardy boys? 
…
Or those fucking chicks that also did some snooping lol $

I don’t know why I’m having a random flashback to a road stop in Savannah Georgia when I was about eight years old
During a family vacation to Hilton head or something.
Pretty sure I fell off a bike that year and scraped up my leg and got sunburn so bad I couldn’t sleep. $

Kind of think it might’ve been this time of year Wayback then $

(Also I was in Savannah in may of 2023 and forgot about it lol)

Ever wonder why the bride’s father pays for the wedding…? $$

Definitely nothing to do with reincarnation leapfrog for sure $$

Bragging about how much weight you move is amateur shit,
Bragging about how many different ways you can move weight is adept shit $$$

Skyrim taught me that you can start out as a prisoner and still save the entire world from dragons with magic and swords $$$***

It is 8:51 AM and I need to go get an inspection so I can renew my taxes.
So I am dealing with that anxiety for no fucking reason lol.
And then afterwards, I’m gonna grab some electrolytes and do a walk and refill the candy 🍬 $

I feel like my spirit animal is just Shia LaBeouf from that meme $

It is 9:33 AM and I am at the park after completing the inspection and renewing everything $

I swear to God that at a certain point, the hardest thing becomes just lacing up the shoes 👟 $$*

I am proud of the fact that I’ve only had one gain bowl in the last 24 hours and I’m not hungry whatsoever.
I did just have to grab two more boxes of electrolytes though as I am truly done fucking around on that front, 
although the notes will attest that I’ve been at it for a while $

Activist and adepts do you have one thing in common:
 it is that the hardest part is showing up $$**

Beginning my walk at 9:36 with a nice blue dragonfly to my left and a squirrel with a nut to my right $

Slithering is not the same as sliding
But they are damn close $$***

The guy at the smoke shop told me a story that’s got me thinking~
…
One of the nicest guys you could meet,
He was telling me about his tendon in his leg and how it blew up out of nowhere.
He is also down nearly 100 pounds from Ozempic recently.
He also shared that he just had a new child last week during the same time in which he could barely move around the house due to his ankle.
And that made it very difficult to care for the newborn mother too.
…
But what got me thinking most is he also mentioned how his brother didn’t bother to congratulate him which caused a bunch of family drama.
And the reason was of course financial… $

I cannot come up with a bigger example of bitchassness and poisonous propaganda rolled into one $*

We talked about addiction, potential habits, and all of that while I was purchasing my seven hydroxy lol 😂 $

(What a moment tbh)

He also shared how there’s some people that come in on a daily basis and will buy a 10 count of the 50s… $

You can see these people running around as the new age Modern Day methadone zombies 🧟 $

(Swerve)

I’m just gonna say that the whole baptism ritual would work a lot better if the water was cold as fuck $$$***

If someone is already lying to themselves and has no intention on stopping, then there’s really not much you can say $$

(Besides that last line apparently)

If someone is already lying to themselves, then I believe it falls under proper protocol to “do no harm” $$

The same way that a parent has to lie to a child to get them to take their medicine, 
the same way a child has to lie to their parent to get them to get over their propaganda $$$***

At this point, my car‘s gas light has been on for so long and I’ve been having so much fun that I really don’t even care when people try to do it to me anymore $$$****

The best revenge on evil is simply having fun $$$

People are just walking timelines $$

If someone gives you all the answers to the test, should you feel bad when the teacher is proud of you for passing it? $$$*

The secret to bodybuilding is just eggs and discipline $$****

I am happy to report My second walk of the day is complete as of about 11:17 am.
Even recorded another suburban bank shot $

A good sub-secret is to prioritize trash pick up Day for extra walks for easy points because everybody’s got their trash bins by the road already $$$***

Put another way~
Trash pick up Day is the best for suburban bank shots $$

I don’t think I’ve ever confessed this, but here we go,
…
Ever since I basically cut my credit cards back in 2023 I have pretty much been hunted by debt collectors ever since.
Which is just waking up to a bunch of different phone calls from robots really.
And it’s been pretty easy to avoid with the phone screening settings lol
…
But they’ll leave voicemails and I have an amazing treasure trove of them now.
…
And when I talk about the shady sales tactics and scripts and all of that, I have amazing material to reference and don’t even need to pull calls from old agents anymore lol $

I mentioned my debt before which is overall probably about 50 K.
No student loans, just expenses from the school of hard knocks $

All right time to get to work
*loads bong
**declines dash
***starts Danny jones podcast $

If comfort is the greatest killer then heaven cannot be very comfortable $$$***

(Just by definition)

I have blamed myself for things that I could not have possibly been responsible for doing better and I still find it easier to continue doing that instead of trusting these hoes $$$*

If you are truly special, then that means you are the only one,
Which means you are separate from the whole,
Which is technically a sin.
…
So the only way for you to exist is to sin.
Which is just separation from the eternal ether of love $$

But sin is only a bad thing relative to your trajectory and direction of perspective.
If you only care about being more separate then you increase the divide.
But if you turn your attention to where you came, you will be able to appreciate the love instead of being absorbed by it $$

Imagine you’re playing RuneScape and one of the players in the game genuinely believes that’s all he is all he will ever be just because of how immersed he is in the moment.
pretty silly, right? $$

Right and wrong do not really exist.
It’s just highest and best use of energy.
Which is far more transparent than getting all religious about things $$

“Well slap my ass and call me Sally cause it is time to make some tea” ☕️ $

… Why am I like this lol $

(Ancient ass spirit shit…)

Happy 12:31 PM $

I never realized why I like rolling my pants up past the calf until I was watching that amazing show about the revolutionary war and I saw all the boys sporting that look $$

(TURN; Washington spies. 9.9/10)

If nothing is real and everything is just particles yelling at each other, 
then what do atheists think tells their cells what to do? $$$

Ironically, the only perfectly solid substrate is not a solid at all.
At least that’s what it seems like for us $$

Are you ready for the secret of formula of everything?
It’s:
awareness x thought x feeling = experience $$

And each has two parts-
Awareness = frame (set & setting)
Thought= contrast (conscious vs unconscious)
Feeling= belief vs decision $$

Whenever you rename something, you automatically reframe it.
Because every time you think of the future name, you will remember that event in which you decided to rename it .
Which is an event in and of itself separate from any other that you might have been traumatized by lol $$*

Quickest way to escape from fear is simply to be of service $$$

Good training will have you secretly wishing shit gets fucked up just so you can utilize it $$***

Again, knock on wood 
careful what you wish for & all that jazz… $

The best things in life usually require a little lube $$*

I think the greatest award to win would be “most grateful” $$

Better to be obsessed with your reflection, than to despise it.
But both are pretty terrible honestly $$

The issue with coming off amphetamines is two fold-
First, your body doesn’t produce dopamine worth a shit anymore.
…
& second, you are flooded with extra stress hormone because that has also been slowly ticked up overtime to offset the dopamine,
So once you take away 1/2 of the last support left, then you’ll be consumed with fear and stress $

And because your guard now remains up 24 seven, it becomes extremely difficult to find time to recover.
This will naturally prolong the entire cycle of shit $

Also, what is not usually mentioned is during this time, 
is you lose pretty much everything that you’ve been holding onto for any entertainment value.
So any crutch or any outlet you once had is likely going to be compromised.
And just the simple emotional ramifications of losing out on what you love is debilitating for anyone.
But of course, that just multiplies the recovery difficulty $*

Recovering when you were actively occurring more amends to make does not help much either $$$

Sadly,
I believe whatever mission we are here to complete takes priority over anything $$

Imagine planning a surprise party for somebody and they just get mad that you lied to them on the drive over.
Who is the dick? $$$

What is 8:32 PM
My brain is cooked
Nowhere near as fried I thought it would be
From doing math all day basically.
And it is about where I need it to be, but holy hell is it tough for an amateur mathematician like me $

I am also at best, amateur level, when it comes down to Excel.
But it’s still enough to get it down
Just probably has so much waste it’s hard to explain $

I am polishing off a smoke currently $

Happy to report a pleasant interaction with the Mom this evening.
Seems like the exercise equipment in our house is getting some use and that could not make me more proud $

Everybody is an activist as long as they’re trying to do better 
…
But those who don’t give a shit are profane
And on the Line of being a lil Lucifer’s $$$

I began to understand God better when I started watching a stopwatch while judging someone’s every move while actively trying to stress them out $$****

Whenever you solve a big problem, it may not feel “real” for a while.
Which is actually a good thing.
That means that the fear and uncertainty that you had become familiar with is now gone, 
and you may not recognize not having something hanging over your head for a little bit.
But don’t worry, you’ll soon find yourself as comfortable and complacent as ever 😉 $$

Fear by definition involves separation from one’s desires.
Which is ironic because everybody’s biggest problem is simply attachment to the things that they are scared of $$$*

What if you heard about somebody who hasn’t missed a day in 13 years?
Who gets up every night and gets to work?
And repeats it again come sunrise.
They have impacted thousands at this point from their hard work
…
..
.
Incredible right?
…
..
.
And then you find out that they are a professional car thief lol $

At first, it just seems pretty honorable and respectable
But then it seems super fucked up.
My point is if somebody was that committed to the negative, that is usually more publicized than the person working in private $

Physical health is directly a result of behavioral health $$

Emotional health is directly result of spiritual health $$

Behavioral health is pretty self-explanatory, mostly regarding the small decisions you are making 
…
Spiritual health in this context really refers to place, people, and purpose. 
And of course, it is heavily dependent on decision-making, but usually the big decisions kind of force you into them… $

Faith is just the good kind of willpower $$

The more UFO shit that keeps coming out, the more I don’t feel so bad about my Lightsaber fights $

I don’t think I’ve been that great about logging my food recently,
Mostly because it’s just been eggs and rice lol $

I have had 24 eggs in the last 36 hours
And just electrolytes besides that.
And as long as I get the sodium right, my energy is amazing and my head is clear.
But that is the one downside of being in a deficit is sometimes the salt doesn’t take and you need a lot of of it $

It is also been raining pretty heavy on and off all day.
I mean, like super heavy at times
Suspiciously super heavy.. $

I mean, bro, you can check my notes
It was the worst drought we have seen in like 50 years
Completely out of season too 
…
And now it is like the Amazon and it is forecasted to continue raining for the next few weeks $

Pretty much every public bathroom you go into has got some kind of secret, crazy sex or cocaine history $$***

Same with just about every room in every church lol $$**

And if you don’t know, then you haven’t been to the “after hours” church… $$

You can very easily tell those in recovery versus those in religion.
It is by their happiness level $$$*

And if you get mad at that statement, you just prove my point lol $$$

I just found my shorts in the middle of the hallway like some kind of wild game kill thanks to Alex lol $
 
I love that little fucker so much $

If a cat shows up and if you can, please keep it.
I promise you it will change your life 
…
and probably your couch 
(Cuz they claw the fuck out of everything) $$



Slam down
Tug & twist
Swing