$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-2-26

32

Happy 2:49 AM $

I don’t know why my ankle hurts and I’m angry lol $

This is what them cases of where I feel great 
I feel like I’ve got almost a full nights rest and it’s been only four hours $$

I could do a smoke off,
Or I could go back to bed right now without ever writing down anything $$

I’m gonna be a little aggressive because I did take a quarter tab 
And small things get on my nerves, of course $$

So I guess I’m telling the ancients not to take my antics too seriously right now $

I’m kind of desperate for something new to watch at this point too
Im so tired of scrolling.. $

So I guess there’s only one thing left to try $

*Starts “love after lockup” $

And immediately I’m already being tested $$

And I’m not even trying to be mean,
But the woman on screen right now must be at least 500 pounds $

This does not look like a human being $

To be clear, I bet deep down she is probably an amazing person $$$

But this digital wig influencer who’s dating a convict does not look OK $$

And it really troubles me that pretty much everybody is going to pretend nothing’s wrong for entertainment sake $$

So before I start talking shit for entertainment sake, 
let me go ahead and voice my actual spiritual concern, 
as I do believe nobody is ever hopeless or a lost cause unless they choose to be, 
and generally speaking,
 those who have broken the 500 pound mark have chosen to be,
for reasons always tragic $$$

Now,
Back to the show.. hehe😈 $

Ever wonder why these types of people only date inmates? $$

If you look up the definition of an “easy target“ , you’re probably gonna find a philosophical description of the individuals I’m looking at $$*

it looks like we’re now switching a different couple,
We got a legal courtesan dating some criminal who’s nine years older.. $

Who is apparently in sex work… $

Again, 
I’m not trying to be mean, 
but if your son realizes you’re doing sex work to support him, 
he’s just gonna be disgusted with you $$$***

And I’m just gonna say 99 times out of 100, sex work is not the solution $$$***

Especially to parenthood..
Especially on national television… $$$

I guess to be fair,
 national television is probably less successful and gains less traffic than social media 
even though I’m sure these people are on both $$

This shit is actually starting to break my heart. 
I thought it would be funny.
My ex would watch this, and I thought she was doing it sarcastically
But now I’m realizing that,
 holy shit she was starting to buy into some of this stuff $$

I remember before we officially broke up,
at one point she honestly could not look at me and say that men should not be competing in women’s sports $$

She was that far gone $$

Guess the face mask should’ve told me everything 
but look at me being so naïve $$$

Because the only reason why I feel comfortable roasting these bitches
 (The lards on TV, 
im not calling my ex a bitch cuz she’s actually a fallen angel)
Is because I am in the same boat with them in some regard-
We both have been dealt many different fool cards 🃏 $$

Now granted, 
I’m the type to start asking questions after I get f*cked $

And it seems like other people take it as an opportunity to ask for another 
and another 
and another $$

OK, sorry I’m
 gonna try to at least stay somewhat in the pocket here $

Because it looks like they’re gonna start to parole some of these people 
and that’s when reality settles in.. $$

Right after their purses get lifted $$

I’m really not quite sure what jails like these days but considering how every time I turn around I’m seeing a new television show involving some kind of jail or prison,
I don’t think it is as bad as it used to be. $

I really never thought I’d be that old man that was like
 “hookers are ruining the city” 
or some shit like that,
But the older I get, the more I believe sex work is really fucking us up as a culture $$

“We’re gonna go from a family of three to a family of eight“
“They think I’m in school right now they don’t know I’m actually incarcerated“ $

Now to be fair-
 their house and everything looks nicer and cleaner and better than mine lol $

Lol all right dude
 this girl is dating already has four kids from four different baby mothers..
With hers will make five, 
but she’s going to assume the weight of them all $

So for anyone thinking that this kind of shit might be kind of cute,
 in all actuality,
I would just encourage you to look into the fact that the single greatest reason why things are fucked up is because fathers are shit $$$$$$$$$$******

Hard stop 🛑 $

Which obviously means I’m about to go on a tangent $

But pretty much every single problem that we have everywhere could be solved exponentially faster if we did not have to worry about father’s bailing on their families or acting like grown children $$$**

It seems very accepted to promote family as the most important thing and the most meaningful,
 but all reality,  
family is the biggest issue in many people’s life.. $$$

For good reason-
Because most of the people close to them are completely fucked and cracked $$

And being around them is an energetic punishment $$*

But they do it anyway out of “love” $$

But in reality, I think it’s just pressure from society to accept people’s pity feelings and to view loneliness as a bad thing $$

This is connected because if men weren’t so so afraid of their emotions maybe they could step up in a relationship instead of stepping out for good $$*

And then, of course 
they get lonely one night and they find someone poor vulnerable shawty,
and then before along the cycle has repeated itself $

Weakness comes in many different shapes and sizes
But the obese and intoxicated kind is extremely dangerous $$$*

And heartbreaking 💔 $$

But once again, 
it seems like people enjoy digging
I would do better financially if I sold shovels, I’m sure $$*

The blame can only go so far though because literally everything is propaganda of some sort
Including this $$*

I’m just transparent. 
This is propaganda intended to convince you to move more.
And maybe giggle $$

Or set you up in a position to judge me, knowing that the Devine is watching you,
knowing that I’m gonna see your judgment in my life review,
So
Remember that 😉 $$

I’m so grateful for these past Few years of being forced to watch myself from every single angle possible.
Literally, physically, philosophically and emotionally $

OK, so you can go ahead and give me more flowers and “told you so cards” because the next couple coming up- $

Literally, the first thing she says is “my parents are not together. I’m a product of a one night stand” $

Which is of course to frame the fuckedupness that’s probably about to go down $$

This is just one of the many products of being a dick Dad $

Which is kind of funny because I think I’m experiencing the karmic end of a similar but opposite side of that schtick $$

Cause if my theories are correct,
Then I was the emotionally absent father figure
But to be fair, it seems that I was Mr. “by the book” 📕 $

Built everything
Knew everything
Literally, every single art in science you can think of 
Was a master watchmaker
Built planes, then taught flying in the world war 2 & all that shit
But pulled out the bottle every night at 5 PM and was asleep shortly thereafter… $

Are you noticing the pattern here lol $

I’m not fucking crazy 🤪 $$

Sorry, 
getting back to the point-
It’s really kind of hard in this life because when I was turning 18, I was being catapulted back to geriatric level emotional maturity and self-centeredness $

And from ages 18 to 27 very much seemed like me cleaning up a mess from a past life,
And then, 
from 28 to now by cleaning up my mess from my current life $$

And all of its many potential gifts that I’m trying to learn how to navigate 🗺️ $

And most of those lessons from the past life include;
-Not being so self-centered
-Not being concerned with being right all the time
-Being willing to spend the extra energy just to make things more fun
-Being more willing to try new things without needing to understand every little detail about it first
-And of course, spiritual jujutsu of sorts $$

And the lessons I’ve learned in this life, were both challenges (curses lol ) and gifts,
Usually around the whole ADHD shit,
Which is still a creative superpower, 
despite the waves of depression $$

But this is led me down a strange path in which I’ve been forced to repurpose the 12 steps from addiction recovery to combat the trauma behind the ADHD $$

It has also taught me all about chemical imbalance,
It has made me a street pharmacist,
It has made me an herbal pharmacist,
It is made me an actual pharmacist if the government didn’t want to be a hoe for a minute and actually look at my skill set $$

(and I bet you, I’m more trustworthy than any other pharmacist because I’ve got fucking 14 years of being tempted in every which way and saying “no thank you”
 but no, I should probably go to college to count pills right?) $$

It made me funny, if I dare say so myself,
It made me kind and certainly softened me up,
Because when you’re depressed and you’re traumatized and somebody steps up to do some shit for you, you start to realize how addicting comfort is $$

That last tangent caused me to swerve a bit and I don’t know where we are in that TV show,
They keep showing new couples,
And half of these women are “that far gone”
They’re in their early 20s for the most part $

But this is kind of my last point
I wouldn’t appreciate the opportunity to watch the show if it wasn’t for my dad‘s tendencies,
And I wouldn’t be taking notes and talking shit if it wasn’t for my mom’s tendencies $

“at least you’ll have a tight vagina and a bleached asshole” $

Bro, what the fuck $

I didn’t realize she was at that kind of appointment $

Jesus Christ, 
this is exactly what I was saying
That’s how you subtly normalize this shit $$

And I’m not even complaining about what she talked about because that actually is what everybody wants
Don’t give me wrong.. $$

Holy shit 
and now this next scene, 
we got this one bitch - she’s 35
And busted,
But she’s pulling up to pick up the convict in a fucking Corvette 
She’s in this hideous black one piece and looks like some kind of manatee $

But apparently they got money $

“He asked me to be his wife and I said “why not “
I know it’s only been nine days” $

OK, so I’m starting to realize that the producers are intentionally roasting these people
But they’re doing it so subtly that it’s either a master class 
or there being spiritually manipulated and they don’t even realize how ridiculous they’re making these people seem $$

This motherfucker is leaving jail with a large ass keyboard
Like a full on synthesizer and shit
What kind of jail was he in dude? $

I’m not even trying to go for the react content shit,
This is fucking ridiculous. 
You can see the barbed wire in the background where they’re doing this interview 
and he’s holding his fucking keyboard 
and she’s got a diamond crusted necklace on with her name on it.
I can’t even hate on him honestly, & I can’t really hate on her
These guys are definitely rappers or drug dealers or some shit $

Literally on queue .. $

 “I became a man at a young age, and I had to start selling drugs” $

OK, this is getting out of hand. I’m gonna have to slow down $

There’s 3:31 AM 
and I think I’m gonna try those Aldi’s graham crackers
Probably upgrade the buzz cause I’ve burned it out $

I’m gonna need a cigarette & a moment to breathe $

Yes, the irony of that last statement is not lost on me $

Lol, guess what I just learned everyone.. $

The Aldi’s “Bentons” brand of graham crackers -
is the same exact formula as the generic Food Lion brand $$

I swear to God
To be fair, 
they might have changed one or two ingredients, 
but you can tell these things are made in the same exact place
Even the same price
Just different box 📦 $$

Just like pharmaceuticals $$****

This one bitch is literally a jewelry saleswoman 
and she’s dating a bank robber $$$

She reached out to him while he was locked up four years ago
He just did 13 years $

Are they’re doing a a switcheroo,
Now we have the guy who is free who’s getting married to an “email mate” $

The classic druggies who got caught $

These seem like fit attractive people,
Just got to show that they’re just as crazy $$

I figured,
This dude is whipped as a bitch $

You know, 
thinking more and more that what I’m doing right now is actually extremely important
Because AI is about to take everybody’s job
And so it’s really just gonna come down and doing more shit like this
Because half of everybody’s getting even more fucked up by the minute,
With the other half beginning to document and recoil from the Fuckery in their own unique way $$

And eventually, 
we might not even have TVs
So this experience won’t be recreated forever,
Which means you shouldn’t take it for granted,
And once again, 
I’m just trying to promote to the world that there is magic at 3:45 AM $

And just think about if all the men in the world enjoyed getting up early and working and not womanizing and being pedophiles? $$$***

Like you wouldn’t really even need government,
AI wouldn’t mean anything because people would be outside most of the time $$

You couldn’t take advantage of weak people if weakness is eliminated $$***

And you don’t even need to take the David Goggins approach,
Or be a drill sergeant,
You can employ some simple time tested techniques 
just to not be such a shit bird
And repeat that for a few years and then you will literally start to see what the ancients were talking about with magic and pyramid building & shit $$

Magic is just when you can get a lot done without having to work hard for it $$***

We’re stepping out for a cigarette and it is a little windy
March has certainly arrived $

Either today or tomorrow will be my five-year anniversary of when I hit 315 on flat bench $

And for any skinny suburban kid, 
that is a lifelong milestone achievement $$

And I did it on accident one morning before showing some houses 🏠 $

Silent victories, am I right? $$

I think you could learn a lot about people if you could ask them one simple question-
“ if AI could accurately reproduce a version of yourself based on your last 14 years behavior to operate on your behalf, 
(leaving you on the receiving end of your own conduct)
 how would that make you feel?” $$$*

So if you’ve been self sacrificing and serving others secretly 
then guess what?
You’re about to meet Santa Clause $$*

But if you’ve been using every chance you can to suddenly spite people 
and give them the philosophical middle finger, 
then you’re about to get coal 🖕🏼 $$$*

Holy shit that might be the best emoji of them all 
Maybe I’m late to the game
But that’s incredible $

In a way that that’s some modern day gangster shit $

I kind of miss the gun emoji 
Except I probably never really used it $

And that’s the other reason why I don’t really feel sympathy for the next “flood”,
Which is just gonna be everybody’s secrets and Internet conduct getting exposed $$

Not just politicians
But everything everyone’s ever looked at on incognito mode..
Or on the dark web.. $$

Or did when they thought nobody was looking $$

Shit like that $

Big juicy theories like this are why I enjoy smoking cigarettes in the dead of the night $

And maybe this is just a way of telling myself that I haven’t wasted the last 14 years in silence by just simply trying to do the right thing
But maybe that was the angel’s way of guiding me through the upcoming revelation of everything $

Cause on one channel we got “love and lock up”, which is just softcore emotional porn for the profane $$

And on the other, 
we got live footage of the Middle East bombing each other $$

And on the other, 
sports 🏈 $$

“ I spent over $30,000 on plastic surgery
Mostly for my pussy and I don’t care what people have to say” $

Literally the first thing I hear when walking indoors
This is why I didn’t pause it $

Cause trust me, I have no problem missing bits and pieces of this $

It’s just like watching a car accident
That tragic kind of cringe when you know you’re about to watch a couple people’s lives change forever due to their own foolishness $$

Trust me, I know what it looks like when someone’s using push-ups to cope with their own insecurities $$*

I don’t give a fuck about the T-shirt size $

With all that being said,
Referencing my tangent earlier about father’s being weak and all that shit,
I think every man should learn how to manage their physique to where they do change T-shirt sizes at least a couple times until they find their preferred physique. $

If nothing else, just to prove they have the lifestyle discipline to manage and to bodybuild $

Because even if you’re fucked up in the head or incarcerated, 
if you learned how to bodybuild, that’s gonna solve a lot of problems and at least equip you against the war on pharmaceutical companies $$*

Which is crazy because me and inmates should be on the same side
But nope
They got the old ass military part of me coming out, saying to keep them locked up if they want to act like that $

Oh my God, 
I think I’m gonna throw up
I take back everything nice I might have insinuated about that one guy who’s free who’s dating the one female inmate $

“Tell me you love me
Why you act like you didn’t hear me?
Take a wild guess of what I said 
why won’t you say it?” $

Do I need to say more? $

Oh my god this is gonna be so bad
I don’t think I can even stay around to watch it
He’s about to walk in and buy an engagement ring $

Of course, the jewelry sales woman doesn’t give two fucks and it’s a very happy to make a sale $

“She said she would rather have a big fake diamond than a small real one”
And of course he’s buying a small real diamond.. 💍 $

God, 
part of me wants to stay awake to watch this fucking train wreck $

In trouble $

 (^^???) 

“Is your name, Olivia?
I think I got in trouble for stealing your mom’s car back in the day
So I just wanted to apologize” $

So yes, 
he’s admitting that he’s been in prison. 
I guess I missed that whole backstory.
That makes sense as to why he’s so emotionally underdeveloped $

Half these people have their own phones in lock up by the way.. $

These people are just fucking disgraceful. 
I can’t do it anymore.
It’s not even funny
They keep down playing the impact of this shit on their kids $

People will think that you died before they think you took some time for yourself
Jus Because you didn’t reply to their shit for so long $$*

It is 4:21 AM and there’s a part of me that just wants to go ahead and go to the gym once they open
Just like old times, running on four hours of sleep and excitement $

It is 8:24 AM and we are waking up $

Resistance starts feeling pretty good once you master it $$*

Fucking hate when Lizzo sneaks up in my headphones $$*

Movements that don’t do anything
-Jumping jacks wit dbs
-Crunches with med ball $$$*****

It is now 4:24 PM
It has been a very productive day so far
Great cuts, and a couple dashes
It’s been in the high 40s and is Grey as gray gets
We’re doing an evening sun walk, and then probably some reading 📖 $

Had a sleeve of crackers and a chicken Gain bowl after the gym
I swear that baked chicken is going to be a new staple
It is shockingly good
And even easier to eat then some steak that I’ve had
And when it’s made right, it’s very easy to eat a pound of it, 
in one sitting
Thus satisfying the daily requirement $

I do feel pretty amazing. I’m not gonna lie.
Today was an upper body workout
Starting with the cables with some core and twists & this and that
Then to dumbbells
Then some holds and isometrics $

I can tell emotionally speaking though I’m still getting better every day
And the other part of it is just simply getting in a better routine without it being hijacked creatively
Talk about it all the time, 
but I’m realizing that whenever you’re in the creative mindset, 
you are very vulnerable to all sorts of energies and vibes
And if you are not careful, 
you could get infected with some kind of bitch ass pathogen that ruins your motivation
And this operates the same as anything physical biological and yada yada $

So my recovery is exponential as my routine picks up steam 
and my routine continues to reinforce me physically because basically all I’m doing is training and creating $

Just had a nice throwback snack
That’s right-
Tuna and crackers $

And I was about to bail out at first, 
due to the fact that always looks like wet cat food, 
but with a little bit of salt and saltine crackers & Texas hot sauce, 
you have an ageless snack that is high in protein and fits just about anyone’s macros $

The feeling that you’re doing something wrong is always trauma
But sometimes that could be a good thing, but usually not $$*

A suburban science experiment is when you leave some leftovers in the fridge for as long as possible, and see what they transform into $$***

Or to see how long it takes before it starts stinking $$

Don’t mind me as I throw out a two week old canned ham $

Lol I love how my bathroom somehow smells like weed $

Even though my house smells like a cannabis store half the time $

Reminds me of high school 🏫 $$

Couldn’t walk into the bathroom without getting some secondhand contact high back then $

And I remember this one time me and a group of random friends smoked a bowl in front of the entire school in the middle of lunch without them knowing
It was a windy day 
and we were sitting under a tree about 100 yards away from the outdoor seating with everybody else
But directly in front in plain sight $

And we weren’t gonna let a little bit of attention stop us that’s for sure $

It is 9:33 PM and we are finishing the cigarette
We just had a little sleeve of graham crackers
And I gotta say that that batch from Aldi‘s is a little better than the batch from Food Lion, even though I am willing to swear that they were made by the same manufacturer $

Once you start following the carbs, you realize most of them come from the same place $$**

It is 10:05 PM and time for first sleep $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-3-26

33

Happy 33 world $

Been waiting for this day
Super special magical day $

*Razor slice $

You probably have to be a bit of a drugy to get the razor part lol $

I got the Jedi theme song from the Empire strikes back playing lol $

The one where they introduce Vader $

Who, 
as much as I care about the forces of good winning the actual war against evil,
I was definitely pulling for the empire a lot back then..
Just cause..
Freaking bad ass $$

And the rebels seemed really weird
Nothing against the Ewoks tho $

Another random observation is that when things are balanced, they often look kind of fucked up
That’s because all sides have gotten an equal chance $

When things are imbalanced, they typically look all strict and clean and shit $$

Doesn’t mean imbalance is all wrong or even inappropriate,
But is not to be confused $

We’re watching Vikings $

And if you’re a super fan, you might be thinking..
How the fuck is he still watching that show?
How did you not finish it in October or November? $

To which I would also kindly point to the ADHD portion of those notes 📝 $

Because we’re in the final stretch here, 
but usually I just go off script after about 15 minutes $

Now that I’ve gotten to the bottom of that nostalgia with axes and decapitation and all of that,
I still can’t turn my self away from those wondrous weapons.. $$

I mean, it would just be a little inappropriate to talk about the nature of reincarnation and spiritual development for the 13th time when people are just trying to relax and watch packs of pagans slice each other to pieces $

It probably wouldn’t be very entertaining..
But then again, 
that’s the secondary goal here
The primary goal is simply to put some words down
Without thinking too terribly much about them $

*Lighter flick $

You can view this notepad as more of a recorder than a novel $$

And if it happens to be entertaining or comical, 
then the credit goes to the angels and the ancients for top-tier trolling $&

But my point is that I’ve been taking notes
And I’ve been building a spaceship in my garage $$

And I’m not quite sure how that’s related to Vikings in this moment because I’m getting more stoned by the second $$

And we also got a delightful seven buzz kicking in, which is what that whole razor slicing shit was about 🪒 $

Any true shithead would recognize that is not the right 🪒 but it is the only one we got $

Which is an interesting point to point out that not all paraphernalia is created equal $$*

Which reminds me to the last time I was arrested in my own driveway.. $

This was days before my sudden incarceration in the psych ward,
I believe it would’ve been the first week of December in 2011 $

I was hanging out with a buddy in his Ford Explorer
In my driveway, of course $

Because for one,
we did not have much money to just go cruising around the town at the time $

Two, 
because we had some of that weed stuff and we needed to blaze it $

And three,
 because it’s always best to hide things in plain sight whenever you can $$

And it might sound silly,
But if you check the numbers between how many times we got away with doing drugs in front of God and country versus the times I got caught,
then you would see why I am a performance manager 😎 $$

But this day, 
unfortunately we had a nervous Nancy neighbor poking around across the street $

Ironically, 
this is the same nervous Nancy that I now smile & wave at most often on my morning sun walk lol $

Same one that often rides her bike 🚲 $

Same one that completely yeeted the other neighbor’s mailbox a couple months ago randomly $

I remember making a note about it lol $

But on this December day, 
she took it upon herself to join the fight against Fuckery $

And unfortunately, 
if I may say,
 committed friendly fire 🔥 $

And next thing you know, we got the sharks rolling up and tapping on the window $

After a bit of BS and banter that clearly did not work well,
The SUV is being searched and I am detained in my own front yard for the third time $

This is me making a note to go back through and outline all the times the cops did end up coming to the house for some reason $

I end up getting charged for paraphernalia for the $20 bubbler that was confiscated $

And of course, 
the family fallout was way worse $

On a more sinister note though,
What I got away with was the fact that I was high on some kind of pills,
 and even though I wasn’t being a shit bird in that exact moment per se, 
I was officially in the fast lane to Fucksville $

And this charge essentially is what was the catalyst for my psychiatrist taking me off my Xanax
Which sent me off the deep end $

And I’m really not looking forward to watching that in my life review.. $

Because I’m sure it is worse than most of the pathetic pity freak outs that I witness these days $

And so I’m glad that they locked my ass up and I ended up doing basically a whole year in rehabs $

What a lot of people don’t recognize is that an intensive outpatient program can be more isolating than an actual inpatient rehab $$$

AnyWho,
Earth is just a school to learn how to manage your emotions and deal with temptation $$*

Most motherfuckers get real defensive whenever you start talking about temptation cause they know they’re weak willed as shit $$*

But the reality is,
 you don’t have to do many reps of absence to adapt out of being tempted by a dumb shit $$**

But the first few reps whenever you have to say “no” to your desires are going to suck ass
By definition $$****

But you can tell who said no, 
and who’s realized the peace in freedom and the higher frequency vibration on the other side $$

I don’t know how I went so long in my life without doing mobility
I definitely don’t know how I survived being at my absolute biggest & strongest & stiffest
And most depressed.. $

Funny how those go hand in hand $$

Also noting for the record that I had another sleeve of graham crackers as of 3:14 AM $

Just thinking how I think half the beauty and benefit from cannabis comes from the ritual of smoking it
And preparing it or this and that,
Because once you have a tolerance, the substance itself is not intoxicating
Even if you do a shit load of that, you’re just gonna get sleepy or hungry
… $

Lol $

I’m just saying, 
I feel quite confident with the right resources and right team I could do far more good for more people than our current healthcare system
 at least helping people not want to kill themselves $$$

But until I can do it without money, 
then I probably haven’t truly mastered it to the degree that I need to $$

So until then, I am technically in training $$

Those who care about their name publicly are often pretty terrible people privately $$**

Part two of the seven hydroxy buzz is kicking in a little bit better than expected so I might get a little crazy and do some reading or smoke a cig and tell another story $

It’s 3:34 AM and I’m gonna smoke a cig $

I am very relieved to know that I really am not noting much in the way of nicotine cravings $

I really am enjoying the air & the aesthetic
But if there was a way to even turn down the amount of nicotine in this tobacco stick, I would $

There’s gotta be some other herbs out there that’s somewhere in between tobacco and cannabis
Wish there was a smokable form of Kratom
Or kava $

I’m willing to bet this is the day that I hit 315
Again, I was so depressed outside the gym, I wasn’t really keeping track of the days $

But if that’s the case,
Then once again, that’s like one of the most momentous milestones in every young lifters‘s career $$

You can argue one truly becomes an adapt at that amount $$

But if that’s the case
This is my five year anniversary
And even though I need to put the work back in to hit that number,
In every other area I’m even better than I was in
And I could swear the world had tried to kill me $

I’m honestly hopefully lost with all this Viking shit
They just keep attacking each other, & forming new alliances and dying, 
and not dying
I can’t keep up $

So so we’re gonna do the responsible thing and go to second sleep and get ready for legs in a bit $

It is 8:10 AM and we are getting up
There’s a chance that I might’ve trained a little too hard yesterday as it relates to my nervous system, which may be one of the reasons why my sleep was kind of fucked $

I might make some enemies for saying this, but the meal prep service is probably one of the biggest scams out there $$$*

Don’t buy it $$$

I don’t care from who or from where
I get it that it offers convenience in calorie management and maybe a better alternative than “fast food”
But you are far more likely to go wasting your money on bland old cheap food that is dressed up to seem healthy $$*

And then then discouragement from that failed attempt is going to push you back on the other side $$*

The point is 
it is so painfully simple just to go to the store and buy three ingredients and put them in three different Tupperware containers and go from there $$$*

Because you are not going to be able to buy the shortcut $$

You are going to have to do the work if you actually want to keep this shit off for a long-term $$

Because if you hop on a meal prep service and lose 15 pounds, but you don’t change your behavior or understand how you even got there, then you’re gonna have a bigger problem once you gain those pounds back $$

(While that tangent is true- i was clearly trigger by something. In all seriousness, anything that helps you stay motivated is a good thing- temporarily)

It is currently 40° and rainy
But it’s supposed to be damn near 80° and sunny in the next eight hours or so
Gotta love North Carolina $

Suffering is just the worst most unnecessary use of energy $$$******

Here’s a fun game~
Watch those who are watching those train 
You’ll be amazed what you learn
(Bout people, not TQ) $$*

Only real adepts check email mid set $$**

Activist warm ups be like… (insert skit) $*

Contrary to popular belief, anger is never an asset $$***

The sides may not be even but they are balanced $$*

Not all shadows come from light distortions
Most often they come in the form of random creeps watching your every move $$***

Love how nobody likes to talk about the creepy cringe commercial gym culture $$

When you got predators of all types lurking around
Faking interest in something you’re doing for attention sake $$*

Sad when peoples greatest hope is finding someone more attractive to complete them $$$**

Data points are just intellectual bullets $$$*

All things considered, we have a serious problem with bitch-ass-ness in this country $$$*

Seems what happens when people take their own emotional security too seriously $$*

Is 7:47 PM and I am emotionally crashing. I’m not gonna lie.
I don’t really understand
I just walked in the gym to do some very late cardio,
And that was overall good and I’m proud of myself for doing it on both a full stomach and with very little caffeine $

Finished last week’s edits
Didn’t get a dash but the rest of the day has been decent $

I just feel like absolute ass
Is zero desire to do anything at all
I try to find a movie or something different to watch on Netflix, but I knew even as I was scrolling that there was zero chance I was gonna be able to pay attention $

I am not restless anymore physically so that means that I put good use to those calories to good use $ 

Times like this it’s just kind of hard to not to spiral on the pity bitchass-ness $

I’ve done this song and dance so many times now that I can’t rule out it being the equivalent of some super shitty brain waves, 
or some ethereal pathogen or some shit $$

(Getting warmer… )

I know that might sound crazy if it’s the first time you’ve heard me mention it but for the past few months every time something like this happens, I’ve evaluated every single cause and condition and the single most common theme is it’s pure randomness, 
and that it comes at significant intervals during the creative process $

(Or is it???… )

And with all the super evil shit coming out now I’m certain it’s only a matter of time before it’s confirmed that there are people who knew the scale of the poisons that they’ve been promoting
And the secret technology that exists likely is responsible for a lot of the psychological ruminating warfare that a lot of people deal with for no good reason $$

There’s nothing more evil than seeing somebody happy and wanting to send them a cloud of bitch ass ethereal smog $$*

Except actually raping kids because that shit is real $$$**************************

so I’m certain that there are alternative forms of Fuckery that are unleashed on the general public every day without our knowledge $$*

I really wasn’t even bugging out existentially all day today despite going down the vaccine rabbit hole $

And the other day was about the patriarchy and all of that bullshit $

& earlier was about the CIA Epstein war bullshit $

Again, I cannot logically come up with a cause other than I just feel like ass
I am properly fueled
I’ve had great workouts recently
I had a productive day and I have no actual pressing works stres
Naturally, the family shit is gnawing at me and I think that might be related somehow $

I guess this could be described as probably how some people feel- that I know that refuse to take care of themselves $

So for the record, if this is some bitch ass energy pathogen, then I hear by banish all negative energy and Fuckery and in name of the big cheese 🧀 $$$*

*Lighter flick $$

(Spoiler alert- it fuckin worked)

In the past in times like this, I usually do begin to feel better biologically within the next 1 to 2 hours
Cannabis does a magnificent job bridging the gap, 
and while it does not restore my dopamine, it basically distracts me and the serotonin helps improve my spiritual connected-happiness I believe $$

The Kratom I do think provides a direct dopamine benefit, 
which is why I use it for work and for social and for empathy $$

And because it is so good & there have been times when I felt like this, and then I would take a dose and then I would feel “normal“ and then, 
if that would be followed immediately by waves of guilt because then I would suddenly start believing either;
 A - I was suffering from withdrawal which is why the subs restores a sense of well-being
Or B- that am truly defective because of how far off-line my resting emotional baseline really is $

I relate to sharks mostly 
because if they stop swimming, they die $$*

And I feel like that’s the cost You gotta pay to be the boss. $$*

Sometimes nobody means nobody $$*

And very few people will ever actually understand how that feels $$*

I’m not even complaining $

If anything - I’m bragging $

Because I feel like ass, but I still feel way better than I used to when surrounded by plenty of the wrong people $$$

And I’m grateful for everybody I’ve ever met, but they’ve functioned more as a philosophical training exercise sadly $$

Most of my “true friends” became estranged by the time we hit adulthood due to actual problems 
and other various poisons
And now they’re mostly dead or incarcerated or God knows where $$

My family has imprisoned themselves by their own doing by refusing to enlarge their spiritual life over the past 18 years $$

And instead, have just decided to slowly blame each other (and myself) for their own shortcomings $$

But really they’re only claim toward me is financial, 
but that allows them to justify holding up in their own homes, refusing to talk to anybody $
because “everybody else is the problem” $

And if they were to began to admit what they need to improve on, 
that would mean they have to admit what they’ve been wrong about pretty much their entire lives $$

and they’re just simply not willing to do that $$*

The sad reality of most of what is going to be revealed soon,
 is the fact that most people really will be willing to go to their grave than swallow their pride and admit their wrongs 
or walk back the shit they said when they were emotionally captured $$*****

Nobody wants to admit they fell for it $$

And nobody wants to face the fact that they did some evil shit because they actually wanted to hurt somebody $$

because they viewed the other person as the problem $$

And whenever the reincarnation math starts lining up and people realize that there have been some families that have recognized this for a long time and have deliberately sabotaged those around them for resources… $$

This is part of the reason why most of history has been rewritten, 
and most of the assets have been stolen $$

This is also what is meant by “Satan controls the world”
Of course there’s many different interpretations, 
but the most likely is that this evil Cabal has basically worked together to control the puppet show that the general public sees,
as it means of “ spiritual farming” $$

And I promise you ,
after you push the needle far enough,
 that’s when you get people eating babies and shit like that $$

Because it’s only a matter of time before that part is confirmed 
Literally think of the most evil thing you can think of for evil sake, 
and I guarantee you that is part of the problem here $$

Cause at that point, your only goal is to do the most evil thing you could possibly imagine $$

And that is exactly what has been going on behind the scenes $$

But there’s a path forward
But I’m certain it’s just gonna require everybody making amends and doing more philosophical push-ups $$*

I know this war shit seems crazy but
You know damn well that those even on the “public puppet” side of things have access to more insight into our real level of technology $$

And of course they have a real agenda $$

Maybe I’m naïvely optimistic to believe that those who have come up with the most destructive weapons,
 have also come up with secret solutions to repair things even quicker $$

But as any adult would tell you, 
if you don’t appreciate the problem, 
then you cannot appreciate the solution $$*

So if people knew that we could essentially repair shit almost instantaneously,
 that would take away the meaning behind the madness 
and the lesson behind the destruction $$

So if true magic does exist,
 theoretically one could just snap their fingers and fix something,
And if it was that easy to fix something, what’s to stop somebody from breaking it again? $$*

And that basic parental logic is exactly what is utilized in this universe, 
but for the super hard shit -
such as forgiveness $$**

And you can’t learn forgiveness until you’ve been truly fucked over $$****

But the kicker is once you actually learn forgiveness 
and you scale that to being able to forgive under a really heinous circumstances, 
then emotionally,
 that becomes a superpower, 
and you become invincible 🦸 $$

And once you raise your consciousness to the third degree, 
and you no longer view each lifetime as independent, 
Then you start downloading some of your old memories somehow someway
 (from the secret CIA probably) $$

then you’ll recognize the key to immortal life $$*

Cough, cough, 
philosopher Stone 
cough cough $$

(Can’t find the p-stone unless you are stoned aha 🤙🏻)

How irrationally angry I get whenever Alex knocks something over or whenever I hear a loud bang, is further evidence of reincarnation $$

I used to think that was part of ADHD,
But there’s no way I could be so happy and secure and all dopamine’d up one second,
and the next be ready to literally murder (esp the ones I love most) $

And there’s always been this weird like growling aggressive urge that comes out whenever I see a hand to hand combat scene 🎬 $$

That would also explain why even just basic shit with jujitsu was so emotionally taxing
I could care less about getting tapped or the physical energy cost,
but it was literally like some kind of emotional robbery Every time I wanted to step on the mat. $$

To be fair, 
sometimes the schools that I was attending did not make it easier… $$

I would not be writing this much if it wasn’t for the seven hydroxy & cannabis 
and I guess emotional trigger lol $$

I just nearly had a heart attack though because I found a big spot of dirt on the floor that Alex dug out out of the plant that I’ve been telling him explicitly not to do-
But I thought it was a big ass spider 🕷️.. $

After hitting it with my toe $

I think comedy is really just unexpected symbolism 
or telepathy $$*

Lots of metaphors and stories and educated guesses $$

It is 9:02 PM and we are smoking part of a cigarette and enjoying the nice 50° weather $

It’s a small victory, 
but I thought it was 60° and I’m not that bundled up $

I did just have five eggs and some rice and butter
Which is technically a gain bowl, 
but I didn’t want to get it too confused with the other larger more complex gain bowls that I’ve been experimenting with $

Speaking of which, I had the Aldi diced tomatoes earlier and those were really good $$

The mixed veggies have mixed reviews, lol but I’ve only had a little bit of it so far $

I’ve consumed probably about half a tablet tonight, 
but I haven’t had any sludge shots
And it’s starting to do its job, but I still am not interested really in anything at all lol $$

I probably will go to first sleep here shortly
Was maybe thinking about reading
But not sure $

I gotta do something to get more fats during the day without resorting to too much processed meats or saturated fat $

Sidebar-
 saturated fat is not the enemy if you haven’t heard $$$*

But it also isn’t the greatest of nutrients $$*

It is part of the Trinity of fats however $$

Poly-unsaturated and mono-unsaturated are the ones you really want though $$

And trans fat is pretty much illegal at this point $$

The wisest of shit I could come up with is- “one day at a time”
And obviously, 
I did not come up with that
But that works for pretty much anything $$*

The furnace is also working for what it’s worth
Which is about $500 apparently for the past two months lol
I’m honestly surprised it’s still on $

I’m honestly surprised I’m still being this honest,
 if I’m being honest $$

But the more and more I get comfortable with the flow & the editing & the review & all of that,
 the more and more I appreciate my own honesty when looking back because I obviously forget so much of my own shit $

And I can definitively say that I value my own willingness to bomb in front of the world $

just because it frees me from the fear of judgment and of what people think $$

I always claimed not really care about what others thought 
so I guess this is just my chance to really prove it $$

I love you little shit.

(Me to Alex 31x everyday )