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THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

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WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-2-26

32

Happy 2:49 AM $

I don’t know why my ankle hurts and I’m angry lol $

This is what them cases of where I feel great 
I feel like I’ve got almost a full nights rest and it’s been only four hours $$

I could do a smoke off,
Or I could go back to bed right now without ever writing down anything $$

I’m gonna be a little aggressive because I did take a quarter tab 
And small things get on my nerves, of course $$

So I guess I’m telling the ancients not to take my antics too seriously right now $

I’m kind of desperate for something new to watch at this point too
Im so tired of scrolling.. $

So I guess there’s only one thing left to try $

*Starts “love after lockup” $

And immediately I’m already being tested $$

And I’m not even trying to be mean,
But the woman on screen right now must be at least 500 pounds $

This does not look like a human being $

To be clear, I bet deep down she is probably an amazing person $$$

But this digital wig influencer who’s dating a convict does not look OK $$

And it really troubles me that pretty much everybody is going to pretend nothing’s wrong for entertainment sake $$

So before I start talking shit for entertainment sake, 
let me go ahead and voice my actual spiritual concern, 
as I do believe nobody is ever hopeless or a lost cause unless they choose to be, 
and generally speaking,
 those who have broken the 500 pound mark have chosen to be,
for reasons always tragic $$$

Now,
Back to the show.. hehe😈 $

Ever wonder why these types of people only date inmates? $$

If you look up the definition of an “easy target“ , you’re probably gonna find a philosophical description of the individuals I’m looking at $$*

it looks like we’re now switching a different couple,
We got a legal courtesan dating some criminal who’s nine years older.. $

Who is apparently in sex work… $

Again, 
I’m not trying to be mean, 
but if your son realizes you’re doing sex work to support him, 
he’s just gonna be disgusted with you $$$***

And I’m just gonna say 99 times out of 100, sex work is not the solution $$$***

Especially to parenthood..
Especially on national television… $$$

I guess to be fair,
 national television is probably less successful and gains less traffic than social media 
even though I’m sure these people are on both $$

This shit is actually starting to break my heart. 
I thought it would be funny.
My ex would watch this, and I thought she was doing it sarcastically
But now I’m realizing that,
 holy shit she was starting to buy into some of this stuff $$

I remember before we officially broke up,
at one point she honestly could not look at me and say that men should not be competing in women’s sports $$

She was that far gone $$

Guess the face mask should’ve told me everything 
but look at me being so naïve $$$

Because the only reason why I feel comfortable roasting these bitches
 (The lards on TV, 
im not calling my ex a bitch cuz she’s actually a fallen angel)
Is because I am in the same boat with them in some regard-
We both have been dealt many different fool cards 🃏 $$

Now granted, 
I’m the type to start asking questions after I get f*cked $

And it seems like other people take it as an opportunity to ask for another 
and another 
and another $$

OK, sorry I’m
 gonna try to at least stay somewhat in the pocket here $

Because it looks like they’re gonna start to parole some of these people 
and that’s when reality settles in.. $$

Right after their purses get lifted $$

I’m really not quite sure what jails like these days but considering how every time I turn around I’m seeing a new television show involving some kind of jail or prison,
I don’t think it is as bad as it used to be. $

I really never thought I’d be that old man that was like
 “hookers are ruining the city” 
or some shit like that,
But the older I get, the more I believe sex work is really fucking us up as a culture $$

“We’re gonna go from a family of three to a family of eight“
“They think I’m in school right now they don’t know I’m actually incarcerated“ $

Now to be fair-
 their house and everything looks nicer and cleaner and better than mine lol $

Lol all right dude
 this girl is dating already has four kids from four different baby mothers..
With hers will make five, 
but she’s going to assume the weight of them all $

So for anyone thinking that this kind of shit might be kind of cute,
 in all actuality,
I would just encourage you to look into the fact that the single greatest reason why things are fucked up is because fathers are shit $$$$$$$$$$******

Hard stop 🛑 $

Which obviously means I’m about to go on a tangent $

But pretty much every single problem that we have everywhere could be solved exponentially faster if we did not have to worry about father’s bailing on their families or acting like grown children $$$**

It seems very accepted to promote family as the most important thing and the most meaningful,
 but all reality,  
family is the biggest issue in many people’s life.. $$$

For good reason-
Because most of the people close to them are completely fucked and cracked $$

And being around them is an energetic punishment $$*

But they do it anyway out of “love” $$

But in reality, I think it’s just pressure from society to accept people’s pity feelings and to view loneliness as a bad thing $$

This is connected because if men weren’t so so afraid of their emotions maybe they could step up in a relationship instead of stepping out for good $$*

And then, of course 
they get lonely one night and they find someone poor vulnerable shawty,
and then before along the cycle has repeated itself $

Weakness comes in many different shapes and sizes
But the obese and intoxicated kind is extremely dangerous $$$*

And heartbreaking 💔 $$

But once again, 
it seems like people enjoy digging
I would do better financially if I sold shovels, I’m sure $$*

The blame can only go so far though because literally everything is propaganda of some sort
Including this $$*

I’m just transparent. 
This is propaganda intended to convince you to move more.
And maybe giggle $$

Or set you up in a position to judge me, knowing that the Devine is watching you,
knowing that I’m gonna see your judgment in my life review,
So
Remember that 😉 $$

I’m so grateful for these past Few years of being forced to watch myself from every single angle possible.
Literally, physically, philosophically and emotionally $

OK, so you can go ahead and give me more flowers and “told you so cards” because the next couple coming up- $

Literally, the first thing she says is “my parents are not together. I’m a product of a one night stand” $

Which is of course to frame the fuckedupness that’s probably about to go down $$

This is just one of the many products of being a dick Dad $

Which is kind of funny because I think I’m experiencing the karmic end of a similar but opposite side of that schtick $$

Cause if my theories are correct,
Then I was the emotionally absent father figure
But to be fair, it seems that I was Mr. “by the book” 📕 $

Built everything
Knew everything
Literally, every single art in science you can think of 
Was a master watchmaker
Built planes, then taught flying in the world war 2 & all that shit
But pulled out the bottle every night at 5 PM and was asleep shortly thereafter… $

Are you noticing the pattern here lol $

I’m not fucking crazy 🤪 $$

Sorry, 
getting back to the point-
It’s really kind of hard in this life because when I was turning 18, I was being catapulted back to geriatric level emotional maturity and self-centeredness $

And from ages 18 to 27 very much seemed like me cleaning up a mess from a past life,
And then, 
from 28 to now by cleaning up my mess from my current life $$

And all of its many potential gifts that I’m trying to learn how to navigate 🗺️ $

And most of those lessons from the past life include;
-Not being so self-centered
-Not being concerned with being right all the time
-Being willing to spend the extra energy just to make things more fun
-Being more willing to try new things without needing to understand every little detail about it first
-And of course, spiritual jujutsu of sorts $$

And the lessons I’ve learned in this life, were both challenges (curses lol ) and gifts,
Usually around the whole ADHD shit,
Which is still a creative superpower, 
despite the waves of depression $$

But this is led me down a strange path in which I’ve been forced to repurpose the 12 steps from addiction recovery to combat the trauma behind the ADHD $$

It has also taught me all about chemical imbalance,
It has made me a street pharmacist,
It has made me an herbal pharmacist,
It is made me an actual pharmacist if the government didn’t want to be a hoe for a minute and actually look at my skill set $$

(and I bet you, I’m more trustworthy than any other pharmacist because I’ve got fucking 14 years of being tempted in every which way and saying “no thank you”
 but no, I should probably go to college to count pills right?) $$

It made me funny, if I dare say so myself,
It made me kind and certainly softened me up,
Because when you’re depressed and you’re traumatized and somebody steps up to do some shit for you, you start to realize how addicting comfort is $$

That last tangent caused me to swerve a bit and I don’t know where we are in that TV show,
They keep showing new couples,
And half of these women are “that far gone”
They’re in their early 20s for the most part $

But this is kind of my last point
I wouldn’t appreciate the opportunity to watch the show if it wasn’t for my dad‘s tendencies,
And I wouldn’t be taking notes and talking shit if it wasn’t for my mom’s tendencies $

“at least you’ll have a tight vagina and a bleached asshole” $

Bro, what the fuck $

I didn’t realize she was at that kind of appointment $

Jesus Christ, 
this is exactly what I was saying
That’s how you subtly normalize this shit $$

And I’m not even complaining about what she talked about because that actually is what everybody wants
Don’t give me wrong.. $$

Holy shit 
and now this next scene, 
we got this one bitch - she’s 35
And busted,
But she’s pulling up to pick up the convict in a fucking Corvette 
She’s in this hideous black one piece and looks like some kind of manatee $

But apparently they got money $

“He asked me to be his wife and I said “why not “
I know it’s only been nine days” $

OK, so I’m starting to realize that the producers are intentionally roasting these people
But they’re doing it so subtly that it’s either a master class 
or there being spiritually manipulated and they don’t even realize how ridiculous they’re making these people seem $$

This motherfucker is leaving jail with a large ass keyboard
Like a full on synthesizer and shit
What kind of jail was he in dude? $

I’m not even trying to go for the react content shit,
This is fucking ridiculous. 
You can see the barbed wire in the background where they’re doing this interview 
and he’s holding his fucking keyboard 
and she’s got a diamond crusted necklace on with her name on it.
I can’t even hate on him honestly, & I can’t really hate on her
These guys are definitely rappers or drug dealers or some shit $

Literally on queue .. $

 “I became a man at a young age, and I had to start selling drugs” $

OK, this is getting out of hand. I’m gonna have to slow down $

There’s 3:31 AM 
and I think I’m gonna try those Aldi’s graham crackers
Probably upgrade the buzz cause I’ve burned it out $

I’m gonna need a cigarette & a moment to breathe $

Yes, the irony of that last statement is not lost on me $

Lol, guess what I just learned everyone.. $

The Aldi’s “Bentons” brand of graham crackers -
is the same exact formula as the generic Food Lion brand $$

I swear to God
To be fair, 
they might have changed one or two ingredients, 
but you can tell these things are made in the same exact place
Even the same price
Just different box 📦 $$

Just like pharmaceuticals $$****

This one bitch is literally a jewelry saleswoman 
and she’s dating a bank robber $$$

She reached out to him while he was locked up four years ago
He just did 13 years $

Are they’re doing a a switcheroo,
Now we have the guy who is free who’s getting married to an “email mate” $

The classic druggies who got caught $

These seem like fit attractive people,
Just got to show that they’re just as crazy $$

I figured,
This dude is whipped as a bitch $

You know, 
thinking more and more that what I’m doing right now is actually extremely important
Because AI is about to take everybody’s job
And so it’s really just gonna come down and doing more shit like this
Because half of everybody’s getting even more fucked up by the minute,
With the other half beginning to document and recoil from the Fuckery in their own unique way $$

And eventually, 
we might not even have TVs
So this experience won’t be recreated forever,
Which means you shouldn’t take it for granted,
And once again, 
I’m just trying to promote to the world that there is magic at 3:45 AM $

And just think about if all the men in the world enjoyed getting up early and working and not womanizing and being pedophiles? $$$***

Like you wouldn’t really even need government,
AI wouldn’t mean anything because people would be outside most of the time $$

You couldn’t take advantage of weak people if weakness is eliminated $$***

And you don’t even need to take the David Goggins approach,
Or be a drill sergeant,
You can employ some simple time tested techniques 
just to not be such a shit bird
And repeat that for a few years and then you will literally start to see what the ancients were talking about with magic and pyramid building & shit $$

Magic is just when you can get a lot done without having to work hard for it $$***

We’re stepping out for a cigarette and it is a little windy
March has certainly arrived $

Either today or tomorrow will be my five-year anniversary of when I hit 315 on flat bench $

And for any skinny suburban kid, 
that is a lifelong milestone achievement $$

And I did it on accident one morning before showing some houses 🏠 $

Silent victories, am I right? $$

I think you could learn a lot about people if you could ask them one simple question-
“ if AI could accurately reproduce a version of yourself based on your last 14 years behavior to operate on your behalf, 
(leaving you on the receiving end of your own conduct)
 how would that make you feel?” $$$*

So if you’ve been self sacrificing and serving others secretly 
then guess what?
You’re about to meet Santa Clause $$*

But if you’ve been using every chance you can to suddenly spite people 
and give them the philosophical middle finger, 
then you’re about to get coal 🖕🏼 $$$*

Holy shit that might be the best emoji of them all 
Maybe I’m late to the game
But that’s incredible $

In a way that that’s some modern day gangster shit $

I kind of miss the gun emoji 
Except I probably never really used it $

And that’s the other reason why I don’t really feel sympathy for the next “flood”,
Which is just gonna be everybody’s secrets and Internet conduct getting exposed $$

Not just politicians
But everything everyone’s ever looked at on incognito mode..
Or on the dark web.. $$

Or did when they thought nobody was looking $$

Shit like that $

Big juicy theories like this are why I enjoy smoking cigarettes in the dead of the night $

And maybe this is just a way of telling myself that I haven’t wasted the last 14 years in silence by just simply trying to do the right thing
But maybe that was the angel’s way of guiding me through the upcoming revelation of everything $

Cause on one channel we got “love and lock up”, which is just softcore emotional porn for the profane $$

And on the other, 
we got live footage of the Middle East bombing each other $$

And on the other, 
sports 🏈 $$

“ I spent over $30,000 on plastic surgery
Mostly for my pussy and I don’t care what people have to say” $

Literally the first thing I hear when walking indoors
This is why I didn’t pause it $

Cause trust me, I have no problem missing bits and pieces of this $

It’s just like watching a car accident
That tragic kind of cringe when you know you’re about to watch a couple people’s lives change forever due to their own foolishness $$

Trust me, I know what it looks like when someone’s using push-ups to cope with their own insecurities $$*

I don’t give a fuck about the T-shirt size $

With all that being said,
Referencing my tangent earlier about father’s being weak and all that shit,
I think every man should learn how to manage their physique to where they do change T-shirt sizes at least a couple times until they find their preferred physique. $

If nothing else, just to prove they have the lifestyle discipline to manage and to bodybuild $

Because even if you’re fucked up in the head or incarcerated, 
if you learned how to bodybuild, that’s gonna solve a lot of problems and at least equip you against the war on pharmaceutical companies $$*

Which is crazy because me and inmates should be on the same side
But nope
They got the old ass military part of me coming out, saying to keep them locked up if they want to act like that $

Oh my God, 
I think I’m gonna throw up
I take back everything nice I might have insinuated about that one guy who’s free who’s dating the one female inmate $

“Tell me you love me
Why you act like you didn’t hear me?
Take a wild guess of what I said 
why won’t you say it?” $

Do I need to say more? $

Oh my god this is gonna be so bad
I don’t think I can even stay around to watch it
He’s about to walk in and buy an engagement ring $

Of course, the jewelry sales woman doesn’t give two fucks and it’s a very happy to make a sale $

“She said she would rather have a big fake diamond than a small real one”
And of course he’s buying a small real diamond.. 💍 $

God, 
part of me wants to stay awake to watch this fucking train wreck $

In trouble $

 (^^???) 

“Is your name, Olivia?
I think I got in trouble for stealing your mom’s car back in the day
So I just wanted to apologize” $

So yes, 
he’s admitting that he’s been in prison. 
I guess I missed that whole backstory.
That makes sense as to why he’s so emotionally underdeveloped $

Half these people have their own phones in lock up by the way.. $

These people are just fucking disgraceful. 
I can’t do it anymore.
It’s not even funny
They keep down playing the impact of this shit on their kids $

People will think that you died before they think you took some time for yourself
Jus Because you didn’t reply to their shit for so long $$*

It is 4:21 AM and there’s a part of me that just wants to go ahead and go to the gym once they open
Just like old times, running on four hours of sleep and excitement $

It is 8:24 AM and we are waking up $

Resistance starts feeling pretty good once you master it $$*

Fucking hate when Lizzo sneaks up in my headphones $$*

Movements that don’t do anything
-Jumping jacks wit dbs
-Crunches with med ball $$$*****

It is now 4:24 PM
It has been a very productive day so far
Great cuts, and a couple dashes
It’s been in the high 40s and is Grey as gray gets
We’re doing an evening sun walk, and then probably some reading 📖 $

Had a sleeve of crackers and a chicken Gain bowl after the gym
I swear that baked chicken is going to be a new staple
It is shockingly good
And even easier to eat then some steak that I’ve had
And when it’s made right, it’s very easy to eat a pound of it, 
in one sitting
Thus satisfying the daily requirement $

I do feel pretty amazing. I’m not gonna lie.
Today was an upper body workout
Starting with the cables with some core and twists & this and that
Then to dumbbells
Then some holds and isometrics $

I can tell emotionally speaking though I’m still getting better every day
And the other part of it is just simply getting in a better routine without it being hijacked creatively
Talk about it all the time, 
but I’m realizing that whenever you’re in the creative mindset, 
you are very vulnerable to all sorts of energies and vibes
And if you are not careful, 
you could get infected with some kind of bitch ass pathogen that ruins your motivation
And this operates the same as anything physical biological and yada yada $

So my recovery is exponential as my routine picks up steam 
and my routine continues to reinforce me physically because basically all I’m doing is training and creating $

Just had a nice throwback snack
That’s right-
Tuna and crackers $

And I was about to bail out at first, 
due to the fact that always looks like wet cat food, 
but with a little bit of salt and saltine crackers & Texas hot sauce, 
you have an ageless snack that is high in protein and fits just about anyone’s macros $

The feeling that you’re doing something wrong is always trauma
But sometimes that could be a good thing, but usually not $$*

A suburban science experiment is when you leave some leftovers in the fridge for as long as possible, and see what they transform into $$***

Or to see how long it takes before it starts stinking $$

Don’t mind me as I throw out a two week old canned ham $

Lol I love how my bathroom somehow smells like weed $

Even though my house smells like a cannabis store half the time $

Reminds me of high school 🏫 $$

Couldn’t walk into the bathroom without getting some secondhand contact high back then $

And I remember this one time me and a group of random friends smoked a bowl in front of the entire school in the middle of lunch without them knowing
It was a windy day 
and we were sitting under a tree about 100 yards away from the outdoor seating with everybody else
But directly in front in plain sight $

And we weren’t gonna let a little bit of attention stop us that’s for sure $

It is 9:33 PM and we are finishing the cigarette
We just had a little sleeve of graham crackers
And I gotta say that that batch from Aldi‘s is a little better than the batch from Food Lion, even though I am willing to swear that they were made by the same manufacturer $

Once you start following the carbs, you realize most of them come from the same place $$**

It is 10:05 PM and time for first sleep $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-3-26

33

Happy 33 world $

Been waiting for this day
Super special magical day $

*Razor slice $

You probably have to be a bit of a drugy to get the razor part lol $

I got the Jedi theme song from the Empire strikes back playing lol $

The one where they introduce Vader $

Who, 
as much as I care about the forces of good winning the actual war against evil,
I was definitely pulling for the empire a lot back then..
Just cause..
Freaking bad ass $$

And the rebels seemed really weird
Nothing against the Ewoks tho $

Another random observation is that when things are balanced, they often look kind of fucked up
That’s because all sides have gotten an equal chance $

When things are imbalanced, they typically look all strict and clean and shit $$

Doesn’t mean imbalance is all wrong or even inappropriate,
But is not to be confused $

We’re watching Vikings $

And if you’re a super fan, you might be thinking..
How the fuck is he still watching that show?
How did you not finish it in October or November? $

To which I would also kindly point to the ADHD portion of those notes 📝 $

Because we’re in the final stretch here, 
but usually I just go off script after about 15 minutes $

Now that I’ve gotten to the bottom of that nostalgia with axes and decapitation and all of that,
I still can’t turn my self away from those wondrous weapons.. $$

I mean, it would just be a little inappropriate to talk about the nature of reincarnation and spiritual development for the 13th time when people are just trying to relax and watch packs of pagans slice each other to pieces $

It probably wouldn’t be very entertaining..
But then again, 
that’s the secondary goal here
The primary goal is simply to put some words down
Without thinking too terribly much about them $

*Lighter flick $

You can view this notepad as more of a recorder than a novel $$

And if it happens to be entertaining or comical, 
then the credit goes to the angels and the ancients for top-tier trolling $&

But my point is that I’ve been taking notes
And I’ve been building a spaceship in my garage $$

And I’m not quite sure how that’s related to Vikings in this moment because I’m getting more stoned by the second $$

And we also got a delightful seven buzz kicking in, which is what that whole razor slicing shit was about 🪒 $

Any true shithead would recognize that is not the right 🪒 but it is the only one we got $

Which is an interesting point to point out that not all paraphernalia is created equal $$*

Which reminds me to the last time I was arrested in my own driveway.. $

This was days before my sudden incarceration in the psych ward,
I believe it would’ve been the first week of December in 2011 $

I was hanging out with a buddy in his Ford Explorer
In my driveway, of course $

Because for one,
we did not have much money to just go cruising around the town at the time $

Two, 
because we had some of that weed stuff and we needed to blaze it $

And three,
 because it’s always best to hide things in plain sight whenever you can $$

And it might sound silly,
But if you check the numbers between how many times we got away with doing drugs in front of God and country versus the times I got caught,
then you would see why I am a performance manager 😎 $$

But this day, 
unfortunately we had a nervous Nancy neighbor poking around across the street $

Ironically, 
this is the same nervous Nancy that I now smile & wave at most often on my morning sun walk lol $

Same one that often rides her bike 🚲 $

Same one that completely yeeted the other neighbor’s mailbox a couple months ago randomly $

I remember making a note about it lol $

But on this December day, 
she took it upon herself to join the fight against Fuckery $

And unfortunately, 
if I may say,
 committed friendly fire 🔥 $

And next thing you know, we got the sharks rolling up and tapping on the window $

After a bit of BS and banter that clearly did not work well,
The SUV is being searched and I am detained in my own front yard for the third time $

This is me making a note to go back through and outline all the times the cops did end up coming to the house for some reason $

I end up getting charged for paraphernalia for the $20 bubbler that was confiscated $

And of course, 
the family fallout was way worse $

On a more sinister note though,
What I got away with was the fact that I was high on some kind of pills,
 and even though I wasn’t being a shit bird in that exact moment per se, 
I was officially in the fast lane to Fucksville $

And this charge essentially is what was the catalyst for my psychiatrist taking me off my Xanax
Which sent me off the deep end $

And I’m really not looking forward to watching that in my life review.. $

Because I’m sure it is worse than most of the pathetic pity freak outs that I witness these days $

And so I’m glad that they locked my ass up and I ended up doing basically a whole year in rehabs $

What a lot of people don’t recognize is that an intensive outpatient program can be more isolating than an actual inpatient rehab $$$

AnyWho,
Earth is just a school to learn how to manage your emotions and deal with temptation $$*

Most motherfuckers get real defensive whenever you start talking about temptation cause they know they’re weak willed as shit $$*

But the reality is,
 you don’t have to do many reps of absence to adapt out of being tempted by a dumb shit $$**

But the first few reps whenever you have to say “no” to your desires are going to suck ass
By definition $$****

But you can tell who said no, 
and who’s realized the peace in freedom and the higher frequency vibration on the other side $$

I don’t know how I went so long in my life without doing mobility
I definitely don’t know how I survived being at my absolute biggest & strongest & stiffest
And most depressed.. $

Funny how those go hand in hand $$

Also noting for the record that I had another sleeve of graham crackers as of 3:14 AM $

Just thinking how I think half the beauty and benefit from cannabis comes from the ritual of smoking it
And preparing it or this and that,
Because once you have a tolerance, the substance itself is not intoxicating
Even if you do a shit load of that, you’re just gonna get sleepy or hungry
… $

Lol $

I’m just saying, 
I feel quite confident with the right resources and right team I could do far more good for more people than our current healthcare system
 at least helping people not want to kill themselves $$$

But until I can do it without money, 
then I probably haven’t truly mastered it to the degree that I need to $$

So until then, I am technically in training $$

Those who care about their name publicly are often pretty terrible people privately $$**

Part two of the seven hydroxy buzz is kicking in a little bit better than expected so I might get a little crazy and do some reading or smoke a cig and tell another story $

It’s 3:34 AM and I’m gonna smoke a cig $

I am very relieved to know that I really am not noting much in the way of nicotine cravings $

I really am enjoying the air & the aesthetic
But if there was a way to even turn down the amount of nicotine in this tobacco stick, I would $

There’s gotta be some other herbs out there that’s somewhere in between tobacco and cannabis
Wish there was a smokable form of Kratom
Or kava $

I’m willing to bet this is the day that I hit 315
Again, I was so depressed outside the gym, I wasn’t really keeping track of the days $

But if that’s the case,
Then once again, that’s like one of the most momentous milestones in every young lifters‘s career $$

You can argue one truly becomes an adapt at that amount $$

But if that’s the case
This is my five year anniversary
And even though I need to put the work back in to hit that number,
In every other area I’m even better than I was in
And I could swear the world had tried to kill me $

I’m honestly hopefully lost with all this Viking shit
They just keep attacking each other, & forming new alliances and dying, 
and not dying
I can’t keep up $

So so we’re gonna do the responsible thing and go to second sleep and get ready for legs in a bit $

It is 8:10 AM and we are getting up
There’s a chance that I might’ve trained a little too hard yesterday as it relates to my nervous system, which may be one of the reasons why my sleep was kind of fucked $

I might make some enemies for saying this, but the meal prep service is probably one of the biggest scams out there $$$*

Don’t buy it $$$

I don’t care from who or from where
I get it that it offers convenience in calorie management and maybe a better alternative than “fast food”
But you are far more likely to go wasting your money on bland old cheap food that is dressed up to seem healthy $$*

And then then discouragement from that failed attempt is going to push you back on the other side $$*

The point is 
it is so painfully simple just to go to the store and buy three ingredients and put them in three different Tupperware containers and go from there $$$*

Because you are not going to be able to buy the shortcut $$

You are going to have to do the work if you actually want to keep this shit off for a long-term $$

Because if you hop on a meal prep service and lose 15 pounds, but you don’t change your behavior or understand how you even got there, then you’re gonna have a bigger problem once you gain those pounds back $$

(While that tangent is true- i was clearly trigger by something. In all seriousness, anything that helps you stay motivated is a good thing- temporarily)

It is currently 40° and rainy
But it’s supposed to be damn near 80° and sunny in the next eight hours or so
Gotta love North Carolina $

Suffering is just the worst most unnecessary use of energy $$$******

Here’s a fun game~
Watch those who are watching those train 
You’ll be amazed what you learn
(Bout people, not TQ) $$*

Only real adepts check email mid set $$**

Activist warm ups be like… (insert skit) $*

Contrary to popular belief, anger is never an asset $$***

The sides may not be even but they are balanced $$*

Not all shadows come from light distortions
Most often they come in the form of random creeps watching your every move $$***

Love how nobody likes to talk about the creepy cringe commercial gym culture $$

When you got predators of all types lurking around
Faking interest in something you’re doing for attention sake $$*

Sad when peoples greatest hope is finding someone more attractive to complete them $$$**

Data points are just intellectual bullets $$$*

All things considered, we have a serious problem with bitch-ass-ness in this country $$$*

Seems what happens when people take their own emotional security too seriously $$*

Is 7:47 PM and I am emotionally crashing. I’m not gonna lie.
I don’t really understand
I just walked in the gym to do some very late cardio,
And that was overall good and I’m proud of myself for doing it on both a full stomach and with very little caffeine $

Finished last week’s edits
Didn’t get a dash but the rest of the day has been decent $

I just feel like absolute ass
Is zero desire to do anything at all
I try to find a movie or something different to watch on Netflix, but I knew even as I was scrolling that there was zero chance I was gonna be able to pay attention $

I am not restless anymore physically so that means that I put good use to those calories to good use $ 

Times like this it’s just kind of hard to not to spiral on the pity bitchass-ness $

I’ve done this song and dance so many times now that I can’t rule out it being the equivalent of some super shitty brain waves, 
or some ethereal pathogen or some shit $$

(Getting warmer… )

I know that might sound crazy if it’s the first time you’ve heard me mention it but for the past few months every time something like this happens, I’ve evaluated every single cause and condition and the single most common theme is it’s pure randomness, 
and that it comes at significant intervals during the creative process $

(Or is it???… )

And with all the super evil shit coming out now I’m certain it’s only a matter of time before it’s confirmed that there are people who knew the scale of the poisons that they’ve been promoting
And the secret technology that exists likely is responsible for a lot of the psychological ruminating warfare that a lot of people deal with for no good reason $$

There’s nothing more evil than seeing somebody happy and wanting to send them a cloud of bitch ass ethereal smog $$*

Except actually raping kids because that shit is real $$$**************************

so I’m certain that there are alternative forms of Fuckery that are unleashed on the general public every day without our knowledge $$*

I really wasn’t even bugging out existentially all day today despite going down the vaccine rabbit hole $

And the other day was about the patriarchy and all of that bullshit $

& earlier was about the CIA Epstein war bullshit $

Again, I cannot logically come up with a cause other than I just feel like ass
I am properly fueled
I’ve had great workouts recently
I had a productive day and I have no actual pressing works stres
Naturally, the family shit is gnawing at me and I think that might be related somehow $

I guess this could be described as probably how some people feel- that I know that refuse to take care of themselves $

So for the record, if this is some bitch ass energy pathogen, then I hear by banish all negative energy and Fuckery and in name of the big cheese 🧀 $$$*

*Lighter flick $$

(Spoiler alert- it fuckin worked)

In the past in times like this, I usually do begin to feel better biologically within the next 1 to 2 hours
Cannabis does a magnificent job bridging the gap, 
and while it does not restore my dopamine, it basically distracts me and the serotonin helps improve my spiritual connected-happiness I believe $$

The Kratom I do think provides a direct dopamine benefit, 
which is why I use it for work and for social and for empathy $$

And because it is so good & there have been times when I felt like this, and then I would take a dose and then I would feel “normal“ and then, 
if that would be followed immediately by waves of guilt because then I would suddenly start believing either;
 A - I was suffering from withdrawal which is why the subs restores a sense of well-being
Or B- that am truly defective because of how far off-line my resting emotional baseline really is $

I relate to sharks mostly 
because if they stop swimming, they die $$*

And I feel like that’s the cost You gotta pay to be the boss. $$*

Sometimes nobody means nobody $$*

And very few people will ever actually understand how that feels $$*

I’m not even complaining $

If anything - I’m bragging $

Because I feel like ass, but I still feel way better than I used to when surrounded by plenty of the wrong people $$$

And I’m grateful for everybody I’ve ever met, but they’ve functioned more as a philosophical training exercise sadly $$

Most of my “true friends” became estranged by the time we hit adulthood due to actual problems 
and other various poisons
And now they’re mostly dead or incarcerated or God knows where $$

My family has imprisoned themselves by their own doing by refusing to enlarge their spiritual life over the past 18 years $$

And instead, have just decided to slowly blame each other (and myself) for their own shortcomings $$

But really they’re only claim toward me is financial, 
but that allows them to justify holding up in their own homes, refusing to talk to anybody $
because “everybody else is the problem” $

And if they were to began to admit what they need to improve on, 
that would mean they have to admit what they’ve been wrong about pretty much their entire lives $$

and they’re just simply not willing to do that $$*

The sad reality of most of what is going to be revealed soon,
 is the fact that most people really will be willing to go to their grave than swallow their pride and admit their wrongs 
or walk back the shit they said when they were emotionally captured $$*****

Nobody wants to admit they fell for it $$

And nobody wants to face the fact that they did some evil shit because they actually wanted to hurt somebody $$

because they viewed the other person as the problem $$

And whenever the reincarnation math starts lining up and people realize that there have been some families that have recognized this for a long time and have deliberately sabotaged those around them for resources… $$

This is part of the reason why most of history has been rewritten, 
and most of the assets have been stolen $$

This is also what is meant by “Satan controls the world”
Of course there’s many different interpretations, 
but the most likely is that this evil Cabal has basically worked together to control the puppet show that the general public sees,
as it means of “ spiritual farming” $$

And I promise you ,
after you push the needle far enough,
 that’s when you get people eating babies and shit like that $$

Because it’s only a matter of time before that part is confirmed 
Literally think of the most evil thing you can think of for evil sake, 
and I guarantee you that is part of the problem here $$

Cause at that point, your only goal is to do the most evil thing you could possibly imagine $$

And that is exactly what has been going on behind the scenes $$

But there’s a path forward
But I’m certain it’s just gonna require everybody making amends and doing more philosophical push-ups $$*

I know this war shit seems crazy but
You know damn well that those even on the “public puppet” side of things have access to more insight into our real level of technology $$

And of course they have a real agenda $$

Maybe I’m naïvely optimistic to believe that those who have come up with the most destructive weapons,
 have also come up with secret solutions to repair things even quicker $$

But as any adult would tell you, 
if you don’t appreciate the problem, 
then you cannot appreciate the solution $$*

So if people knew that we could essentially repair shit almost instantaneously,
 that would take away the meaning behind the madness 
and the lesson behind the destruction $$

So if true magic does exist,
 theoretically one could just snap their fingers and fix something,
And if it was that easy to fix something, what’s to stop somebody from breaking it again? $$*

And that basic parental logic is exactly what is utilized in this universe, 
but for the super hard shit -
such as forgiveness $$**

And you can’t learn forgiveness until you’ve been truly fucked over $$****

But the kicker is once you actually learn forgiveness 
and you scale that to being able to forgive under a really heinous circumstances, 
then emotionally,
 that becomes a superpower, 
and you become invincible 🦸 $$

And once you raise your consciousness to the third degree, 
and you no longer view each lifetime as independent, 
Then you start downloading some of your old memories somehow someway
 (from the secret CIA probably) $$

then you’ll recognize the key to immortal life $$*

Cough, cough, 
philosopher Stone 
cough cough $$

(Can’t find the p-stone unless you are stoned aha 🤙🏻)

How irrationally angry I get whenever Alex knocks something over or whenever I hear a loud bang, is further evidence of reincarnation $$

I used to think that was part of ADHD,
But there’s no way I could be so happy and secure and all dopamine’d up one second,
and the next be ready to literally murder (esp the ones I love most) $

And there’s always been this weird like growling aggressive urge that comes out whenever I see a hand to hand combat scene 🎬 $$

That would also explain why even just basic shit with jujitsu was so emotionally taxing
I could care less about getting tapped or the physical energy cost,
but it was literally like some kind of emotional robbery Every time I wanted to step on the mat. $$

To be fair, 
sometimes the schools that I was attending did not make it easier… $$

I would not be writing this much if it wasn’t for the seven hydroxy & cannabis 
and I guess emotional trigger lol $$

I just nearly had a heart attack though because I found a big spot of dirt on the floor that Alex dug out out of the plant that I’ve been telling him explicitly not to do-
But I thought it was a big ass spider 🕷️.. $

After hitting it with my toe $

I think comedy is really just unexpected symbolism 
or telepathy $$*

Lots of metaphors and stories and educated guesses $$

It is 9:02 PM and we are smoking part of a cigarette and enjoying the nice 50° weather $

It’s a small victory, 
but I thought it was 60° and I’m not that bundled up $

I did just have five eggs and some rice and butter
Which is technically a gain bowl, 
but I didn’t want to get it too confused with the other larger more complex gain bowls that I’ve been experimenting with $

Speaking of which, I had the Aldi diced tomatoes earlier and those were really good $$

The mixed veggies have mixed reviews, lol but I’ve only had a little bit of it so far $

I’ve consumed probably about half a tablet tonight, 
but I haven’t had any sludge shots
And it’s starting to do its job, but I still am not interested really in anything at all lol $$

I probably will go to first sleep here shortly
Was maybe thinking about reading
But not sure $

I gotta do something to get more fats during the day without resorting to too much processed meats or saturated fat $

Sidebar-
 saturated fat is not the enemy if you haven’t heard $$$*

But it also isn’t the greatest of nutrients $$*

It is part of the Trinity of fats however $$

Poly-unsaturated and mono-unsaturated are the ones you really want though $$

And trans fat is pretty much illegal at this point $$

The wisest of shit I could come up with is- “one day at a time”
And obviously, 
I did not come up with that
But that works for pretty much anything $$*

The furnace is also working for what it’s worth
Which is about $500 apparently for the past two months lol
I’m honestly surprised it’s still on $

I’m honestly surprised I’m still being this honest,
 if I’m being honest $$

But the more and more I get comfortable with the flow & the editing & the review & all of that,
 the more and more I appreciate my own honesty when looking back because I obviously forget so much of my own shit $

And I can definitively say that I value my own willingness to bomb in front of the world $

just because it frees me from the fear of judgment and of what people think $$

I always claimed not really care about what others thought 
so I guess this is just my chance to really prove it $$

I love you little shit.

(Me to Alex 31x everyday )

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-4-26

34

Happy 118 $

I’m fucking pissed
This isn’t the fun kind of pissed either. 
This is the irrational kind.
I think the political podcast finally got to me $

It’s not even the subject matter. 
It is the reactions that disgust me. $

Everybody acting like emotional children, without investigating or actually listening to anything that doesn’t conform to their emotional opinion $

I thought I could get away with it too 
by listening to it and taking it with a grain of salt 🧂 $

But nope $

So that already triggered me $

And then I’m already a little agro anyway, because my sleep has been shit kind of $

I don’t know if my body is traumatized and getting back into get up and go mode, but after about three hours of sleep, 
I wake up, literally standing at attention $

Of course, 
usually that results in what I’m doing now and is part of my motives for the midnight movies $

I guess that’s been the case for a long time. I just kept beating myself up over being sane in a crazy world. $

Or is isolating out of necessity just for emotional survival $

Because the only way that would make this shit worse is if I had some kind of significant other, 
running around squawking like a petrified atheist chicken ..
just like these Talking Heads 🐔 $$

Maybe I’m just bitter that I don’t have the energy to find something new to watch on Netflix.. $

Because I remember when life was much easier & I could just binge watch some bullshit $

I’m really not even talking about my ex in particular cause I have no idea what she’s up to these days $

I’m talking about the archetype that she had become,
The classic “wanna be social justice, woman warrior”, 
who is more content with expressing their emotions than managing it.. $

And those who project their fears and insecurities and emotional issues onto those closest to them, are the biggest problems $$

(Bitchassness)

I really am just angry that I’m angry $

I guess my guard is beginning to drop from all of the shit $

Recognizing that I’ve been poisoned against my consent medically to a degree that I just can’t comprehend $$

Recognizing that everyone around me also has, 
but they don’t even know it 
and they’re defending the people that are poisoning them, 
which is the greatest evil $$

I mean, imagine claiming to be on the same side as people who are trying to mutilate children’s genitals… $$$******

And then imagine claiming to be a republican and believing that you are somehow a part of the solution… $$$****

Then imagine all that petty bullshit, resentment manifesting sideways, 
and you pushing away everyone you love because again, you can’t control your emotional sensibilities $$$

this is the archetype that most young people are now finding themselves falling into $

Cause they’re too fucking scared of some push-ups $


It’s almost like there’s an invisible group trying to get people to see their own bullshit…
and the more that people resist looking in the mirror, the worse it gets.
 meanwhile the ones who put down the AI and all social media 
and actually get to the real work,
 seem to be doing better than ever at least healthwise $

And if your health is tied to your finances, then I would seriously strongly encourage you to do some deep spiritual inventory as to how long do you think that’s gonna last $

Cause it’s only a matter of time before there’s some form of economic collapse $

Might not even be the dollar losing all of its value,
Much more likely it’s just gonna be all things worth purchasing simply lose all of their meaning.
Mostly of because those who are that sick, who pushed away those were sharing anything with $

Nobody wants to go hang out with angry assholes, sitting by a desktop,
Who’s only skill set is criticism and condemnation $$

You know,
probably the people that I’m delivering DoorDash too lol $

Half of them are the same ones that complain about people starving in the streets while ordering hot wings from their cell phone $$

The same thing you used to type a tweet is the same tool you could use to write something meaningful.
But the second people actually have to start considering how things are going to age, they’re gonna start looking back and editing themselves, they would have a very quick change of opinion $

That’s why it’s so easy to tell who actually does self inventory $

It’s usually those who are smiling and happy and trying to do better every day $

And what a shocker, they end up improving pretty quickly and achieving most of their goals $

AnyWho, it is 1:30 AM now
I’m probably about three or four hits deep $

I just think more of the secret to everything is that people only see what they want to see
And there are some people who know that and some people who don’t yet $$

And those who know that 
are trolling those who don’t on a biblical scale $$

Questions to ask to reveal someone’s actual life experience and emotional intelligence
- What mental illnesses are you most familiar with?
- How many times have you been inside of a jail?
- How many times have you been inside of a church auditorium?
- How many times have you been inside of a church basement?
- How many times have you answered a phone call for someone in need, despite your current best interests?
- How many hours have you spent in university? Or a formal schooling institution?
- How many hours have you spent acquiring a trade?
- What’s your favorite time of day to wake up?
- Describe your best vacation?
- What does retirement mean to you?
- How many times have you said “I’m sorry” Versus how many times have you said “I was wrong and this is how…”
$$

More revealing questions include
- How many push-ups have you done approximately?
- What’s the most amount of weight you’ve ever had on your back physically and philosophically?
- Large groups or small and intimate?
- Pizza Hut or Papa John’s?
$$

I’m learning more and more just how much of my shit really is probably from being an old Air Force Lieutenant in the past life.
Like all the self-righteous tendencies,
The Insatiable quest for honor and glory,
And not to mention the raging alcoholism that I had to defeat at a young age $$

I would mount addiction and ADHD and depression on my wall if I could,
But instead, 
I have just included all of the eclectic random charms that have picked up along the way in my fight against the Fuckery $

“Man with all respect, 
fuck you”
-Inmate on the open jail experiment show $

maybe it’s time I confess that that is what I’ve been watching in the background while doing mobility $

Also noting for the record
My hands and feet are pretty crisp
They’re not swollen or puffy, but they kind of feel like it $

Makes sense considering this week’s training has been extra functional.
Which is a lot of holds and hangs & all of that so I can already see my calluses popping back

Each year you end up with a new layer it seems,
And I’ve had them for so long that they’ve almost kind of blended in my hand is kind of smooth because it is one big callous so you can’t really determine the separation at first $

Except obviously, 
you can still see the big ones around my knuckles
They’re just not very roughed up at the moment because the cables are very gentle $

Also noting for the record that when I woke up, I was irritable as mentioned, but I also had a slight headache $

And instead of thinking about it too much, I’m finishing a packet of electrolytes now
And in combination with about a quarter tab, I am feeling better lol $

I really need to get salt tablets, mushrooms, pre-workout and not sure what else but I’m sure I can find some more stuff to get $

The electrolyte tablets are gonna be a big go to again now that I’m running back on a pretty high-level
Classic sign of officially being in the athlete phase,
When if you don’t manage your fueling, you were going to have a bad time.
But also the truth is that most of what you do for the next few months is really just gonna be a reflection of your fueling and decision-making.
Any personal best are going to be the following week if you just show up and don’t do anything to stupid and get yourself hurt $

It isn’t until you get to the artist phase that you actually need to employ the “mind over matter” techniques $$

But most athletes don’t know that the first go around,
It’s all “go hard or go home “just because they’ve outperformed a few amateurs $$

But if you’re doing it right, that part of the process is inevitable so enjoy it $

It’s 2:13 AM then I’ve officially been out of bed for an hour
We started with season three episode 13 of the fugitive show, but I had to bail out to go to the alternative open jail experiment show.
I’m also outside finishing a cigarette now.
We popped what might be in a close to a3 of a tablet as it gets
Meaning, that was a precise razor slice $

Also had to grab my beanie out of the jeep because my hair keeps getting in my eyes and I’m not trying to be that fabulous $

I also never really noticed how many men actually do have long hair and rely on hair ties to get through the day $

I’m really enjoying this dude in the show called “Irish” 
who is the classic wanna be popular skinhead neo Nazi, 
who is claiming just to simply be misunderstood,
He has long thin hair and looks gorgeous when he lays it down.
But he also has this hilarious, overgrown, mustache, 
and mini goatee, that looks like an actual asshole.
Like his fucking mouth looks like a butt hole
Look it up $

Remembering that one snowy wintry night when I just got the news that another childhood skate friend had died..
And I was losing my mind crawling out of my skin because the Adderall that I’ve been on for the last couple months I had pretty much just been a tease 
and I had yet to get on the good shit so I was bouncing around between doses trying to stabilize,
& The only thing I could think to do would be to go lift weights in the snow and see if it made cool pictures.
And I loaded 185 on the bar and carried it out into the middle of the cul-de-sac and did some Z-squats and deadlifts with it,
& I took a couple cool pictures standing on my stoop.
But man, 
if you told me that there were actual invisible demons following me around that night, 
trolling me & kicking me in the spiritual nuts, trying to get me to snap or some shit,
then that would make me feel a lot better.
Especially considering one of the best shots is flexing on em $

Kind of reminds me about that photo shoot at a castle on a beautiful ass summer day in Portugal
 right when my grandma died… $

Always gotta remember to Smile for the camera 📸 $$

Friendly reminder 
suffering is just the worst most unnecessary use of energy $$

It is now 3:01 AM and I gotta admit,
I’m hooked on the show.
They finally got me.
The drama…
Watching so many grown men act like little bitches…
I am captivated.
This is a philosopher’s wet dream $

Now we’re watching an inmate steal a food tray from another race…
The irony is the inmate who committed that, just had some of his food stolen by another race, which caused a fight.
So already the cycle repeats $

If you don’t believe that the small movements matter most than you have not gotten to know many physical therapists $$**

The fact that it is 3:19 AM and I’m not sleepy and I’ve only had three hours of sleep but I’ve had multiple training sessions in the past 24 hours is further evidence of some kind of spiritual trauma.
Because whenever I actually have a somewhat spicy sess now, 
my body thinks it needs to be in go mode for 36 hours $

Anywho
Adding 5 eggs plus rice plus butter plus a few tomatoes to the total 🍅 $

Annddd a few extra saltines lol $

Oh hell
I’mma do another half a cigarette.. $

I have to force myself to stop at half or else I will get bored of lying Nick sick 
.
No, I said “borderline Nic sick” lol $

It’s not like it’s the biggest problem, but that kind of shit is what I deal with most often.
But I’d much rather have voice to text misinterpret me 
Than family and friends… $

If only there was a way to record true honest objective observations in real time & to have open, balanced, enjoyable conversation conversations… $

I learned in rehab that those with power over you are going to lie to save their own ass.
I learned this because our counselors and glorified chaperones were very quick to bend the truth about all their bullshit that was going on.
And they were definitely trying some emotional jujutsu on me 
and not in the good recovery kind of way either $

So even then, I made a daily contract that basically said something along the lines of
“I was good today and I did exactly what everybody said so please sign here as proof that you can’t walk this back next group session” $

Funny how difficult it was for the counselors to sign it…
And they all knew what I was doing.
But they couldn’t not sign it
And so when I would go to group, I would have signed evidence that each day I did what I was supposed to do $

I was 17 & 3/4 and completely chemically compromised.
I was institutionalized in a random facility in the backwoods of the Tennessee mountains in the dead of winter.
And even then, I did things by the book and was in a way recording one.. $

My point? $

Please tell me how that is what some arrogant ass reincarnated fighter pilot wouldn’t do.. $

I frame it as such to emphasize the fact that there was no way to prepare me for that.
I was fresh off the streets,
 so to speak.
It’s not like I was in fucking ROTC..
I was making fun of those guys when I would skate by them while they were marching and doing all their weird drills $

But alas, the joke was always on me $

And what a good one it was..
& What a good one it is… $

Happy 3:31 AM $

It is now 7:45 AM. We are briefly getting up.
Actually going back to sleep. 
I tried even though I’m like a zombie. $

Most people don’t understand why things can’t happen
And ignore the small invisible patterns every day $

Some things can’t happen to protect you for your own development $

It is now 10:31 AM and we are on the way to the gym after a nice sun walk and a cold shower and two small shots of squirt. $

I’m trying to switch up my caffeine intake for my electrolyte intake
And basically minimize the caffeine while maximizing the electrolytes and see what happens $

“By the grace of God there go i” once again.
Just saw my second fender bender of the day.
This one was pretty nasty
Look like everybody was OK, but that hood was looking like a TP $

You got a big problem once war becomes fun $$$****

It is 3:13 PM and we are going on our sun walk
This time most literally as it is 70° and partly cloudy, but with enough direct sunlight to finally bust out the shorts
So this is the first official elemental exposure challenge
Of getting about 10 minutes of sunlight on as much skin as possible $

It is now 6:28 PM
We’ve had a very productive afternoon, working on the resistance games & finalizing the aesthetic and positioning
Just did some dancing and stuff
And I was resistant and didn’t want to, but I put the headphones in and I put on the playlist anyway and let it work It’s magic. $

Just had an owl fly directly over my head the second I stepped out for a cig
It might’ve been Jeffrey from the snowstorm
That was super cool. I got a little video of it.
With him chilling on the branch in front of me at least $

It’s pretty crazy how jail shows make me feel better every time
I wasn’t even feeling that bad, but it’s just so oddly comforting watching the struggle $

I trust my spades skill more than my jiu-jitsu skill though I won’t lie lol $$

It is 9:20 PM at we’re starting the first half of another cigarette
Just had a gain bowl with rice and 6 eggs $

I have not had any crackers in over 36 hours I think
That’s pretty substantial
Today’s workout definitely used mostly carbs $

But I’m also developing another theory
that is a little bit more compatible with keto and fat adaptations $

I need to refresh on the science I won’t lie
But if my theory is correct,
basically your body produces energy and converts it to usable sugar, and then stores it.
So I’m thinking that maybe you can trigger your body to pull fat 
and then convert it 
and then store it more efficiently than you could recycling carbs with glycolysis $

This would be groundbreaking regarding the actual fat conversion adaptation
Because unless your body becomes more efficient at using fats for fuel, you’ll never evolve out of glycolysis $

But it just seems more and more that my body responds better to fats and my training is almost better with them too because I can get my metabolic engine going $

But on the flipside 
when I was doing some dance earlier, and the past few times I’ve done cardio I can tell I haven’t kicked on that engine and I just used whatever I had in the tank.
Which would’ve been mostly carbs by my original opinion $

Put another way 
I might be able to do hypertrophy with mostly oxidative with a little glycolysis
Which would be radical for fuel efficiency $

That would also mean I could probably get to the point to where I can run after eating
Or with a full stomach
Which would be a cheat code for ultramarathons and backpacking $

There’s something in the bushes on the other side of my car, but I don’t know what it is
Kind of sounds like a cat $

Nope, it was a possum $

I think I might go ahead and try to lay down for first sleep
I feel kind of full I’m not gonna lie $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-5-26

35

Happy 12:15 AM $

We are arriving at the movies $

That was a good first shift of sleep $

I really don’t see how I could stay in bed even if I wanted to
I have a full energy bar almost and usually I just get to a point where I will literally start rocking and kicking $

So as much as I enjoy the movies,
They are not as optional as they seem $

Is it weird that I’ve been kneeling next to my table more than I have been sitting in my chair? $$

I bet that’s hard to visualize
I have to explain it later $

Ironic that most inmates’s favorite thing to do is brag about how much they don’t care,
But their second favorite thing to do is complain about how much they do care $$

I bet you can guess what we’re watching $

I highly recommend watching the “open jail experiment “show on Netflix
Or whatever the name is
I’m certain if you look that up, you’ll find it $

There are two seasons and it’s basically like a reality show of the county jail
And what happens when you actually give inmates what they request $

Everyone’s real tough until they’re sitting in a circle having to spill their guts $$*

Just about smashed another sleeve of saltines $

Just thinking more and more about how different I feel today versus the last few months $

I’ve got to do a bunch more review from the last few months, 
but I’m just noting that it’s the first thing I forget when I feel better, is how bad things used to be $$

Like when I first went back into the gym in October,
And I transitioned back into single limb hypertrophy,
My workouts barely lasted 30 minutes, 
and the resistance was laughably light $$

Mostly because those muscle fibers were pretty much atrophy’d and had been cannibalized sometime along the summer $

But whenever you’re doing single limb hypertrophy, you’re usually not resting, you’re just switching $$

And then after the resistance starts adding up, the bracing element is harder than the double version $$

So it becomes some kind of bodybuilding-yoga, 
almost $$

Which again just checks a lot of boxes and adds up the points pretty quickly $$

Compared to doing one or two exercises of maybe 15 reps total
Even though those reps are good quality and high resistance relatively speaking,
It just is not going to really work on metabolic conditioning $$

And the higher your base metabolic conditioning, basically the higher your resting well-being $$*

It is time to start transitioning back to traditional strength so that it is very exciting $

In fact, I’m thinking I might end up having to do that as the afternoon work out $

(lol NOPE)

I could probably modify it to where it would be a good endurance finisher 
and would compliment the training program well as far as scheduling goes $

It is now 6 AM and we’re getting up $

Part of me wants to go ahead and go to the gym
But the part says to take your time because it’s still early and still dark as fuck is winning $

It’s 9:09 AM and I know this is super random, but it just hit-
Here’s an insight into how fucking petty bullshit my last job was,
When I went to go to the interview, 
the other “assistant manager” there was wearing a company branded hat 🧢 $

Clear as day $

Wore it both times I went for interview $

And after they offered me the position and I accepted it,
and they told me to wear a company shirt,
I asked where I could get a company hat,
In which case the manager said you’re “not allowed to wear hats” $

… $

And the next shift, 
the other assistant manager shows up wearing a hat at first, 
and then it disappeared by the end of the day $

And then I felt bad for ruining his chance to wear a hat lol $

Shoulda let me wear a hat.. $$$

Oh yeah, 
and they misspelled my name on my name badge 
and asked me to wear it anyway $$$

After I told them I didn’t want to,
And I almost quit when they asked me to wear it, 
but I decided to smile and eat that shit sandwich $

Which I will never do again $$

Even McDonald’s spelled my name right at least $$

There’s a proper technique for everything, 
Including how to get up after being knocked on your ass $$*

Friendly reminder,
Most pedos are not in politics 
They’re the ones who handle your food,
Answer your customer service calls,
Come to service your HVAC,
and even…
babysit your kids $$$*******

If you put a lil finger behind the water sensor it’ll fill up much faster $$*

Men’s everyday TQ playbook $ 
(Returning to this later maybe)

Important points to remember before picking a fight~
- The pyramids
- America’s were discovered long before Christopher Columbus
- Shit went down for real for real almost 13,000 years ago
- Whatever technology we’re using right at this moment, is at the very best 30 years behind what the global intelligence communities actually have access to,
- Everything you’ve ever done and even thought about is recorded somewhere somehow by someone or some consciousness of some sort $$$****

It is 5:55 PM and we are hustling and shit $$

Adding for the record before I forget -
that at the end of the last dash, I stopped by Aldi’s to get crackers because the carb monster was coming out,
I was the classic Spacey, anxious, “not really sure what to do”
What I used to consider classic ADHD,
No motivation or anything either $

But after the crackers started kicking in, I did start feeling a lot better and renewed focus wise $$

Given today’s workout was pretty challenging resistance wise, I’m guessing that was a classic sign of running low on sugar or standby ready fuel. $

Some cars are only obnoxiously loud to signal to the other Gaylord gear heads out there that they’re ready for their next dose of you know what.. $$**

Before we nuke anyone, 
we should dose their water supply with psilocybin 
But right after we dose our own decision makers… $$$****

Considering how the suffering behind the art is what most people appreciate the most,
I don’t think you have to worry about AI becoming the world‘s most popular artist 🧑‍🎨 $$*

Gotta love running into fuck boy supreme at the smoke shop $$

And then what seemed like a drunk, sad sack, swings in the parking and nearly hits my car lol $

That’s the streets for you
At least by the smoke shop in suburbia $

Kind of crazy, 
but not surprising that Alex Jones is becoming more and more vindicated every day $$

I’ve always had a soft spot for the guy, 
but still considered most things probably misunderstood 
or that he was probably a government plant on the opposite side of the fence $$

But as with most things these days, 
these events are exposing different perspectives,
And he’s the only one talking about the most serious, most heinous, most possible evil things you could conjure up $$

And truth be told- that makes the most sense $

It really does make sense that you would have a secret group that is essentially harvesting children for different types of reasons that are evil beyond Measure $$***

Because we also exist at a point in time where we have the most potential for good and to repair and restore things to borderline utopia level levels $$***

And when you check all the prothesis everywhere, 
it pretty much goes like this- $$

you have to draw out the evil to trap it 
and destroy it 
or else it’ll just simply lay dormant 
and grow in the dark until you go and turn on the lights $$***

Because I’m sure there’s been all sorts of this kind of shit going on throughout history, but I imagine of the last 50 to 60 years is probably increased to a scale that we can’t really consider without completely losing it $$

But pretty much ever since things became super modernized,
 it kind of seems like people are being farmed to become sicker and sicker $$

Pausing because I see a pretty fast moving light 
is probably a plane, ✈️ $

Flow directly over me and pretty low too $

Anyway
This group of evil fuck wads would want to harvest children and turn men into baby back bitches 
like the fuck boy supreme I saw the smoke shop. $$$****

Because I guarantee you people like that are not really that concerned with any inequality unless it somehow involves them directly $$$*

Watch me have it completely wrong and that was like one of the nicest guys ever
Despite the fact that he made sure to speed off and his 09 Lexus
Unnecessarily, of course $

(& didn’t say thank you when I opened the door for him 🤷🏻‍♂️ )

But that’s what you get when you have scared boys, pretending to be a grown m3n $$

The most evil thing you could tell them from birth is that this is a “single life” and what they do doesn’t matter,
Cause I guarantee you, 
they’re just gonna repeat the cycle until eventually they have to break the chain ⛓️‍💥 $&

And I can make a good point about how that’s great for spiritual well-being 
and I’m convinced that that’s what the angels and all higher level vibrating entities are all about,
They basically are allowing evil people to imprisonment themselves do their own natures $$*

Because once all this shit comes out, 
and they actually have figured out a way to extend life indefinitely, 
then they will quite literally be imprisoned in this reality pretty much forever $$

If they don’t upload their consciousness to some stupid machine first.. $$

Which really in all practicality has to be the equivalent of the matrix $$

And you submitting your body to a tank and to allow your senses to be hijacked $$

Just hope that hasn’t already happened lol $$$

But spiritually speaking it kind of has $$

But when you’re competing against spiritual, loving entities, 
that can quite literally move throughout time, 
then you’re never gonna win 
(If you’re an evil baby back bitch) $$$

That’s why in chess the king cannot be killed,
 but the game ends when he is pinned and has no available moves left $$*

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-6-26

36

Happy 12:14 AM motherfuckers $

I didn’t even realize that today was one of them sneaky cool aesthetic days $

I miss so much don’t I $$

But I’m not gonna miss watching this season of the open jail experiment show $

I don’t think I clarified the other time that I was watching season two cause i saw season one a long time ago $

*Lighter flick $

I’m just realizing my legs are actually kind of crispy from today’s back workout $

Mostly because some of the moves required very intense bracing $

Cats are the ultimate killing machines but yet I still have to stop one from eating dirt
What the hell? $$

I’m gonna be honest- I do not feel like writing $

I’m still trying to process the the fact that we’re at war again
And this is one of them times where it seems oddly familiar
I’m very much on edge $

I’m just saying that spiritually speaking,
 if I was chilling in heaven, 
and I got a preview of World War III, 
there’s no way I would choose not to be involved $$

There’s also no way I would’ve signed up for the stupid Iraq war even though I was too young
And I would’ve waited in time strategically to where I could be in my early 30s if I had to do battle $$

I would wait until Im my strongest mentally and physically… $$

I would wait until I have nothing left to lose… $$

I would wait until I finish something that would lead my lasting impact in the world… $$

I will be more honest and say that I have no backup plan if writing the “resistance games” and the subsequent programs and all that doesn’t work out $$

I was just assuming that if didn’t work out and got so bad,
then I would just walk into some recruiters’s office somewhere and just be like “dude I know you can find a place for me” $$

To be more honest, 
one of the biggest reasons why I don’t think I could do that is because of Alex and I really don’t think I could ever leave him $

I don’t know if that makes me a piece of shit for willing to change my decision-making for World War III because of my cat, 
but I just can’t for any more of this bullshit $

It just seems more and more like they’re really are some truly evil truly fucked up people who want nothing more than for good people to feel bad and sad and scared $$$

This is not about resource control,
They derive pleasure from it
They deliberately want to inflict pain $$$*

The scary part though is that everything we see that’s happening today is not only completely bullshit 
but likely has been staged and planned for a long period of time before beforehand $$$

So the fact that this war seems like it’s going on now when so many people have been worrying about it for so long and it’s even been biblically predicted ,
is direct evidence that this is not a fluke. $$$

I’m hoping that there’s some kind of righteous trap that’s intended to expose and wake people up $$

I just think there’s a lot of people that need to start learning how to say “I’m sorry I was wrong and I’m willing to do what it takes to fix it” $$$*******

And it’s not just the current politicians, 
but everybody that supported them $$$

Everybody that’s ever gone out to big family dinners, and talked shit $$$

Everyone that’s ever gone out of their way for a “gotcha moment” $$$**

Everyone who’s decided that they are exempt from solution proposition whenever they condemn and criticize $$$*

Everyone who thinks they know better than others before actually investigating or communicating with them $$$

Everyone who’s ever shared something on social media that reinforces a belief system that’s not founded in concrete firsthand fact $$$

Think about how many people buy bullshit behind closed doors? $$$

Most people are self-aware enough not to spread too much about their controversial opinions $$

Most people have a lot of practice at hiding shit from others $$*

This is a form of trauma
Because maybe at one point they were put in a position in which they needed to do some fucked up shit just to get through the day,
And they found that for whatever reason that was easier than doing the next right thing, 
And then that compounds and compounds $$

How many people do you know can stop on a dime and make amends to somebody whenever they fuck up in real time? $$$*

This might not make sense, 
but I just had to retype the above “make amends” because voice to text originally put “mega millions” 
and if that is not an example of what is wrong, then I don’t know what is $

I mean, I get they sound the alike but come on $

 like some poltergeist trolling $

So I guess my point is that people find it easier to hate somebody over in the Middle East than to love their neighbor $$*

And if that continues for long enough, then you’ll end up in the situation that we’re in $$

Cuz you don’t have to agree with the current administrations decisions
But you need to understand that there are no accidents at that level,
Mistakes are choreographed,
Everything is managed,
And the real energy is always consciousness related,
And anybody in true power is watching you more than you are watching them $$****

And if you have fallen for the misguided belief that your neighbor is a nuisance, then you are the problem $$$******

And if you do not quit being so profane, you are either going to lead to your own destruction or you’re gonna end up like these corrupt cannibals $$$

Both physically and philosophically $$

It’s 12:34 AM and I need to increase the buzz $

I don’t want the world to mistake my love of poison for my lack of appreciation of clean raw dog sobriety $$$

By sobriety, 
I mean, really just;
 clarity, determination, integrity, authenticity strength, and presence $$

Not lack of intoxication because now and forever basically nobody has actually gone without any mind or mood altering chemicals $$*

Like I don’t know how much shit I would’ve gotten done if you would’ve just simply removed caffeine from my whole 9.3 year streak $$

Or nicotine $$

But yeah, if you would’ve given me back cannabis too early I prob would’ve spiraled out of control $$*

And as much as I promote that plant now,
I truly believe that if I did not wait as long as I did then I probably would not be able to “control it“ $$

Now at the same token, 
if I would’ve never been given pharmaceuticals or led to believe that I needed them,
 then I probably wouldn’t have needed as much of the plants to undo a lot of that bullshit from the pills $$***

I don’t know maybe I’m part of the problem,
Sitting here watching the jail show,
Feeling better about myself because how shitty they have it $$

Smoking weed and picking my nose 👃 $$

Writing down as many authentic thoughts as I can because when you have drones doing most of the fighting,
and now doing most of the writing, 
I think this is the best way I could fight back $$

I guarantee you,
 verbally speaking I am far more powerful than any computer processor $$

If you gave me the same information and same time and same resources, 
I guarantee you, 
I would be more manipulative than any algorithm 😈 $$

When I’m trying to tell you that salesmanship is the superpower,
 and that is the same exact power that’s been corrupted by black magic,
You’ll eventually see what I mean $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

And why I’m willing to risk it all on both writing a book and then having to publish and sell it myself $$

I can tell that this stress is starting to degrade me tho
But I think the single greatest stressor I have right now is the fact that I might have to talk to my dad within the next few days.. $

I’m not counting on it, 
but I am trying to prepare for it.. $

As sad as that is, I just simply cannot afford the energy $

I think the hardest thing to accept sometimes is that those closest to us, didn’t really even try that hard to not disappoint us so deeply $$

There have been so many times in my life to where I probably would’ve simply killed myself if it wasn’t for those around me who needed me $$$***

I showed up and stepped up every time I had to, 
regardless of how I felt $$

And I just cannot fathom how some people cannot do that,
Or are not willing to do that for those They supposedly care most about $$$

one thing that our ancestors had right is that the people you were around, were the people that you were gonna be stuck around 
so you have to find a way to make it work $$

But again,
 the truth is is that most people’s nemesis (developmentally speaking ) are the ones who raised them $$****

Everybody’s got some kind of enemy,
The only difference is those who have I’ve decided to choose their enemy versus those who are controlled it $$*

Sidebar 
but almost all women who lift are significantly stronger than men who don’t $$$***

I know because I’ve seen it so many times firsthand 
and also gotten the witness how that’s destroyed a relationship dynamic $$*

I think the moment calls for some graham crackers
I did not expect to see the carb monster yesterday, but that does go in line with my training theory $

I can also tell the stress has started to erode more of my energy because I’m taking shortcuts with all the small shit 
& stressing more and more over dumb stupid stuff
And I’m even finding myself becoming selfconscious about writing, 
even this $$

Which I know is some petty low frequency, bitchassness $$

I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that I fell asleep listening to a podcast basically talking about World War III $

I also don’t like how good voice to text is at writing “World War III” $

And just because I’ve said it three times,
I need to make it clear that I do not intend to manifest it. 
I am simply making observations. $$$

My grandfather would’ve been 31 when all this shit popped off for World War II frfr $$

It’s kind of crazy when I think about it, 
but I’ve actually already technically been fighting this war my whole life when you consider my injuries $$

Zooming way out,
I’ve lost my freedom from it multiple times,
I found myself in the hospital multiple times because of it,
I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve known to die unnecessarily because of it,
It’s ruined every every relationship I’ve ever had,
It’s destroyed the physical health of pretty much my entire family,
It’s ruined me financially by simply trying to manage and combat the symptoms and side effects,
It’s stolen thousands and thousands of hours from misdirection $$*

And the funny thing is,
I spent so much of my time, so grateful, feeling unbelievably blessed for the strength that I do have,
 that I honestly kind of forget just how fucked up every situation has been pretty much my entire life lol $$*

I’m not trying to jinx it, 
but I really do think the lack of bugs that I find in my house is evidence of the spiritual peace treaty $$*

I cannot remember the last time I killed a bug on purpose
And I think there have only been maybe a handful that I’ve had to throw out the whole winter
But even before that, it wasn’t that bad but deff more than this $

There was a couple strange situations with a wasp and a fly..
Very strange… $$

If your spiritual freedom requires the annihilation of another people,
 then you have terrible technique $$$$*****

And if you believe anything like that, 
then you have been captured $$^*

However, if someone comes at you
 then well… $$

This is why we have a little thing called “judgment” $$

Just recognize that you’ll be judged the same way $$*

Is 1:24 AM and it is that time $$

Stogie time $

I don’t know if there’s any more stories tho $

I also think I need to note for the record, considering this is now becoming an emerging pattern,
This is more like a disclaimer and an apology;
 that a lot of these stories on this part of the site are going to be pretty jumbled,
Or really anything under the notepad is considered a “draft”
And if it’s worth it, 
then it might float upwards $

I also forgot how good I was at packing cigarettes cause this bitch is so packed, It barely pulls now. $

I think my grandfather used to smoke a lot lol
Explains why both my parents have been chainsmokers since they were teenagers
And now they’re in their late 60s $$

I think he would’ve been about 48 when my mom was born
She has a half brother and I think even a half sister..
And I don’t know if I’m confusing details but maybe even a second half sister..
Was starting to sound like some fuck boy shit…….
But I think shes the youngest $$

And that would make sense if you consider a World War II Navy pilot that likes to drink and live on boats and build planes.. ✈️ $$

Also an extremely talented musician, especially with the saxophone 🎷 $$

But I think that fucker played everything $$

I wish I would’ve appreciated the clarinet That was converted to a lamp a little bit more as a kid Lol $

I think at one point I even tried to pawn his clarinet.. $$

I know he even played the flute 🪈 $$

I mean, come on..
If you don’t believe in reincarnation, 
go read the other walls with me rambling on and on about how to use this piece of equipment in the gym and how it’s more of a instrument than anything & blah blah blah $$

Or just watch the hundreds of different demo videos… $

Keep in mind when I did all of that shit I had no fucking clue what I was doing, 
and I was literally just doing the first thing that would relieve all the restlessness $$

And that aligned with what I thought was “a purpose “ $$

And probably if anyone is reading this, during spring of 2026,
 the demos are probably still the drafts and I’m getting to the official ones $

But I had no idea I was basically in film school.
But when you film literally over 13,000 different videos,
Of all kinds in all different sets & settings with all different types of people,
And then you go to curate them and edit them to say some kind of message,
Let’s just say you start to understand the illuminati lol $$*

I did a quarter tab when I made that note about the buzz
And it’s doing its job
Mostly noting for tolerance and for accountability $

Cause as of 1:30 AM on Friday 3–6 I have 11 full tablets
I went ahead and bought a 10 pack to save me a couple trips to the store and some cash
Like I said before, I don’t like to do that very often for accountability sake, but I’ve been doing really good and I don’t have any sludge so I’m gonna ease up my restriction just a bit and go back to my regular scheduled supplemental regimen
Which is basically the equivalent of two capsules every two hours for 1/2 of the day basically
I have found that keeps tolerance in check and help sustain a more authentic emotional empathetic work ethic $$

it is 9:03 AM
We have completed the cold shower and electrolyte wake up
We’re almost to the gym
We have tears of gratitude once again $$

Then again, 
they didn’t exactly leave
 philosophically speaking $$

Funny how much better the parking is on Friday versus Monday
Seems I almost always get a spot upfront $

Writing this line on a Bosu just cuz lol $$*

Need to update the “pointless movements list “ $*

“The creepy grabber” $*

Kind of ironic how the Bosu has become the biggest flex $*

Energy always follows awareness $$$*

You’re really not going to learn how to burn unless the stakes are frfr $$***

Interpret that how you see fit $$

God deff has longhair cuz you have to work for it $$*

That was a fantastic workout
And I could tell at the very end,
after about 13 minutes on the stair climber, 
I was able to successfully turn on & convert my metabolic engine to oxidative $

It’s crazy cause right before then, I was really beginning to crash, 
energy wise 
and emotionally
I have had zero caffeine and zero additional electrolytes since that moment, 
and I now feel better than before my workout energy wise $$

The fact that there’s also 70° and sunny, I think is helping my body let go of the winter fat
Even though we are going to inevitably get another freeze within the next week or two just cause this shit always happens $$

(Fucking called it bro. Read 313 for more about this suburban pollen freeze)

I remember four years ago, 
I was really excited cause I just bought some flowers, 
and planted them outside in the front $

And then the next night,
 it froze for the last time & killed all of them lol $

I could’ve just waited, 
but then I learned instead $

That’s a good reminder,
Everything happens, at least in this universe, for learning’s purpose
Which is why it’s hard $$

But it also pretty much guarantees that there’s another sphere where you don’t do any learning because everything is pretty much already known somehow $$

At least, everything worth learning, $$

But you can’t learn experience without experience $$$***

I’m also pretty upset than my YouTube algorithm is now pushing a bunch of this war bullshit and my algorithm is completely disrupted compared to what it normally is
Insane $

I need to reiterate that note for the record about how good I feel cause I’m gonna forget the second I start dipping away,
I’ve had two shots of squirt all morning,
I had a few hits at 6 AM and then a few more before I went to the gym,
and just took two more but it is a very light buzz,
I took 1/8 of a tablet that’s starting to kick in now, 
but I can definitively say that neither of those two substances are responsible for how good I feel $

I can tell this is how I used to feel as a working baseline
I can tell my body has pulled a lot energy from fats and cognitively, I am clear and balanced. $

I am sipping on some more electrolytes, but I’ve already had two full packets which again is emphasis that my theory is correct,
Because without them, 
I probably would feel a little shitty $

I’ve also been including them first thing when I wake up 
About 8 ounces and one packet and it’s made a big difference so far with the workouts and without needing as much caffeine $$

With that being said, 
I think the carb monster is starting to creep up on me
We’re gonna try to negotiate with him this time with some electrolytes and see if we can’t streamline our dietary strategy to where we’re only eating in the evening or throughout the night $

It is 1:12 PM and we’re going on our sun walk
I can officially smell the pollen
That subtle stink
And I can already see some of the trees blooming $

The fact that my algorithm has been completely hijacked to show nothing but this stupid Iran war and that the justice department quietly released more files, explicitly accusing Trump does not look good… $$$

Also noting for the record that I just ate six eggs $

Activist love to ask questions
Amateurs love to answer them
Athletes love to keep their mouth shut, cause they’re realizing they don’t really know that much
Artists are too concerned with rewriting the questions
Adapts love watching the first four duke it out $$$*

It is 5:13 PM and we are going to do a dash for ourselves
Crazy how difficult it is
I guess it’s indirect stress
Family stuff and financial stuff as always
But I do have to eat, 
so I’m just grateful to have the money for the moment $

Can’t really even go to the grocery store without getting your heart broke these days.. $$*

That last line was mostly because people were being rude and impatient $

It is 7:06 PM and we’re seven out for the first half of a cigarette $

You’re not gonna believe me, 
but,
The best part about this notepad is it has helped me not talk so much $$*

It is 8:41 PM and we did a bunch of review and a bunch of other work,
We had a gain bowl at some point with beef and rice $

Looks like there’s a couple new things on Netflix worth watching
Hope I didn’t jinx it
Right now we’re watching the new thing called “dinosaurs”
Looks pretty sick and reminds me of my childhood $

I think dinosaurs were my first obsession
I can’t really recall if it was that or Indians, whichever came first
But I do think it was DinoS $$

I think I forgot to update my grocery haul earlier as well from the lion-
Got 60 eggs
2 pounds of 7327 beef
Two boxes of graham crackers
3 pounds of chicken breast
Two things of seasoning
Two cans of black beans
2G of water
And 3 pounds wild blueberries 🫐 $

Overall, that’s about as clean as it gets,
I should still have enough rice to last another 10 days or so $

I’m gonna need some butter and hot sauce before long lol $

I’m very proud to note that my caffeine intake today is close to a personal best
Two total shots of caffeine squirt with three total bags of tea $

A shot and a teabag are roughly equal it seems
That’s down by probably three servings or around 200 mg
Which is a pretty big deal considering I feel better today than I do when I have that much caffeine $

And I’m not sure exactly what,
 but the last couple days that I didn’t drink much I had a pretty bad headache
So not only did I avoid the headache today, but I also feel my tolerance has lowered $

What if dinosaurs were originally what evolved on this planet and then aliens came and destroyed them and manipulated time and then simply inherited the Earth,
And then a bunch of shit went down and the smart ones left while the assholes tried to control everything,
 and then eventually erase the history.. $

More evidence that I’m low on the dopamine scale is how seemingly draining cleaning seems $$

It’s 8:54 PM and stepping out for the second half of the cigarette $

I’m also pretty happy with my seven hydroxy usage
As I still have not taken any more sludge, and I also have not increased the tablets $

My average is probably 15 mg a day
Very rarely ever doing more than 3 mg at a time $

It is 9:21 PM and we’re gonna go ahead and go to first sleep
I spent the last 20 minutes trying to figure out what to do and that’s the best thing I can come up with $

Kind of depressing but oh well lol $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-7-26

37

Happy 12:34 AM $

At least it was when I started writing $

That was surprisingly decent first sleep for drinking a little bit of tea right before I went to go lay down $

I thought the caffeine would have fucked with me a little bit more $

I swear to God that whatever your emotional stress level is, 
you can lower it a full notch just by doing some good mobility $$*

So if you’re at a seven, 
then you’ll be at a six after a good session $$

All right, here’s one theory that I think needs to start to be taken seriously-
The evil elite know reincarnation for a fact, and they have insight into natural laws that basically allow the prediction of one’s reincarnation with high certainty $$*

They also have the true historical record of all the fucked up shit that’s gone down $$

So they know which groups of people historically have been extra heinous and horrific $$

And I would argue that the two motivators in the known universe are -
love and revenge $$

Therefore, 
I think that there is a high chance that revenge is behind most of the wars $$*

That’s not a far stretch, considering that most wars are started in retaliation of Some attack
But when you see some countries simply annihilate others for the fuck of it, than I think we need to dig deeper into the idea of blood feuds $$$

Obviously, most of the Middle East is somewhat like that already but most we only look back maybe 50 to 100 years $

I think that maybe we need to look back there much further somehow, 
because the truly evil spiteful motherfuckers who swear they will go to any links to destroy their enemy or torture Their enemy, would very likely be playing 4D chess if they had enough information and resources. $$

It is 1:19 AM and we’re stepping out for a cigarette $

That was lovely and all
And I do have a quarter tab kicking in, 
but I think I’m gonna go ahead and try to go back to second sleep $

Kind of depressing because I just simply have no desire to do anything
Or try to watch anything or read anything
So I’m gonna try not to force it $

It is 7:14 AM and we are getting up $

I say that loosely cause there’s a chance I might just go back to laying down for a little longer $

I’m not gonna lie, I’m not in a good place mentally
It’s not biological either,
I’m just emotionally burnt and losing my care for really anything at all
I’m so fucking restless right now that I’m gonna have to go on a run $

I just wanted to rest
But it alludes me once more $

Times like this is when I get like an echo in the back of my head after each thought just to talk shit $$

Lol it is 8:21 AM and guess who’s on the way to the gym $

It’s official $

Fuck a rest day $$

Most people do not know what heavy is
If you’re face or breathing doesn’t change then that’s not very heavy $$$*

That was a pretty incredible workout
And then I went by the library and got four books
I’ll update that later when I’m looking at the titles again cause I’m going out the door for a sun walk at 1:21 PM $

There is no better feeling than beating somebody at their own game $$**

Which is pretty much all the evidence I need to reinforce that this is a simulation for that very reason $$

The fact that the lifetime fitness is now an O’Reilly‘s auto parts is a fucking crime $$$

It is 4:09 PM and we’re gonna go try to score some cat litter $

Just had a pretty good video idea about micro movements and how checking things off of a to-do list can be just as important and impactful as scrolling some stupid dating app $$*

Always trust your gut as long as you’re willing to be wrong $$$*

If you’re not willing to be wrong, then do not trust your feelings $$$*

It is 4:41 p.m. and we have had a pretty incredible day
We are going to make some chicken for this upcoming week. I’m very blessed to have a fridge full of enough nutrition at the moment. $

*Starts podcast
**Immediately leaves room to go start making chicken 🍗 $

I think one thing that is pretty obvious, but that we don’t talk about enough,
is cooking preparation time and how even the slowest inconvenience can completely derail your nutrition $$

Firstly, if you don’t know how to cook, you’re gonna be trapped independent on processed food almost always $$*

Secondly, if you’re impatient, then you’re gonna keep choosing options that are the most processed because they are the fastest and easiest to prepare $$*

I remember especially growing up, if I read the back of a food label and it said anything more than 20 minutes, I was not interested $

And as I joke, it’s actually sad how serious most people take that mantra 
and will refuse anything that doesn’t fit within their timeframe $$*

One thing that I learned though was that I was biologically hijacked
And I only was craving food that fast because that’s all my brain really knew $$

Is 5:50 PM & time for another sun walk
Just reminding myself to take more observation because tomorrow’s daylight savings and I’m trying to get better at keeping track of the lighting throughout the day $

As of now, the sun is pretty low, but it’s still bright. I think it’s gonna set around 6:30. $

So if it jumps at 7:30. That’s pretty big.
And I think it won’t be sunrise until probably at least 7 AM
But this is the fun part of the year so excited to really get to building $

It is 6:36 PM & time for a cigarette
That chicken is so good man $

I just heard an interesting theory
And it lines up with all this crazy Epstein shit
First, 
friendly reminder that all politicians are in the same boat at this point pretty much,
But the evil Cabal basically is competing for power in hell
 because they are convinced the world‘s gonna end,
because they’re working on trying to end it $

So they think that once they end the world and they arrive in hell, that they’re gonna have power from all the child sacrifice they’ve been doing
And of the like $

But the fact that they believe that they are investing in something even though it’s evil makes a lot of sense $

Not only do I think they think it’s fun and that they’re doing as for kicks, 
but That they think that they’re gonna get some kind of return on their investment $

They failed to account for the fact that they are being fooled by “Satan” $

I do believe in a state of existence that is by all functional purposes considered hell $

It is of ultimate knowing of everything you’ve ever done $

And I believe that “demons” can manifest as ethereal personalities, 
and essentially possess people and/or demonstrate classic demonic traits, therefore, 
justifying all the exorcisms throughout the years $

And I also believe in the existence of other realities, but they would likely be structured like this one so those beings existing in those realities would be aware of whatever they do in that existence $

But I do not believe in a single bucket of bitch ass ness
Ruled by some evil overlord $

I think the joke is that hell is ruled by the equivalent of Jesus‘s brother,
Think of like the most righteous prison warden $$

Because what could be worse than knowing that you were basically sacrificing all those kids for a lie
And of course, 
you will never receive power, but only pain
Through the sheer awareness of everything you’ve ever done and being trapped unable to escape it $

I mean, 
if you’re an evil person, 
and you want to worship Satan, 
what could be worse than being fooled to actually being prisoner by Jesus? $$****

That would be how they would experience hell because if they went down there, 
and it was a bunch of flames and pitchforks and cannibalism … 
well then you can see that that’s exactly what they already have now $$*

That’s the trick~
And while the suffering & pain that has been paid for by the innocent,
They will both get the benefit of being strong and wise as fuck $

And no longer being trolled by evil for good $

Because the same tools that were invented to control us will be repurposed and give us keys to the galaxy once again $$$*

Wisdom always comes at a price
It must be paid for with some kind of energy
But the improper use of this energy is considered suffering
And suffering is always unnecessary $$$*****

Pain on the other hand, when balanced with enough recovery,
 becomes fun
It provides meaning
Wisdom is found in meaning,
it is the only currency that actually matters in the grand scheme of consciousness $$****

It is 8:27 PM
We are stepping out to start another cigarette $

Just thinking about how proud I am of my prayer record
No, I’m not saying I always pray for good shit-
Especially the first 17 3/4 years,
I was praying for stupid shit like “please help me get some Xanax before my court date” $$

And I swear to you, 
I would get it almost every time $$

Or painkillers $

And I know this might be a stretch to connect back to divinity,
But it’s important to remember God is in all things first and foremost $$

Secondly,
From the ages from 16 to 17 3/4 I was going to court pretty much every month for something $

My mom would jokingly call it our monthly outing.
And we usually would go by the Showmars afterwards to celebrate $$

But court was always on a random day
And was always psychological hell
And of course, 
my addiction was rapidly picking back up from where I might’ve left off {allegedly} $

Again, 
that is also evidence of reincarnation when you consider how fast I picked back up addiction 
and the strange neurotic way that I did it $

But anyway, 
I remember distinctly praying pretty much every day,
Certainly nothing too spiritual,
Usually it was like “thank you God” and “please help me get some pills so I don’t lose my shit” $

And those kind of narcotics were hard to come by for a teenager with no job $$

But somehow they would pop up the day or two before, 
and I would glide through court on my “pink cloud” $

This happened so many times that when I landed in the psych ward, 
and I finally read the book called the secret, the law of attraction was the only explanation $$

And also just for the record, 
God and the law of attraction are basically the same thing
But There are rules to the shit obviously $$

But when I learned about it in intensive outpatient, 
it was a running joke because of how annoying I was about this book $$

And even then, 
I would be honest and tell you that I wasn’t super gung ho about the woo hoo stuff and the soccer Mom shit, 
But it was enough for me to keep a good attitude $$*

And to remember at all times that whatever you do is gonna come back to you good or bad $$***

And now I’m realizing more and more that I’ve known that for quite a long time
 and that was the first time in this lifetime that I was able to find something philosophical that actually made sense $

It just happened to find me when I was at a point so chemically compromised that anything providing hope was a dopamine hit $

But yeah, ask anybody in my intensive out patient group at the time~
Which would’ve been this season in 2012, 14years ago lol $

You could ask any one of them 20 motherfuckers
It’s actually probably more, 
but luckily, I started straightening out after about two months $

And remembering now at the end of group, 
I was a fucking recovery Nazi if I’m being honest $

I was going to like three meetings a day 
plus intensive outpatient
 plus group kickbacks
 plus fishing 
plus community college
 plus driving a Prius
Plus, chain-smoking and philosophizing without any actual formal education $$

(Thank god for the lack or formal brainwashing

I mean education)

So I went to the library today and bought some books
One’s a big ass one about all the old philosophers $

And I’ve done a bit of reading over the past couple years, 
but my formal education into the actual academic philosophy and all of that shit is laughably little $$

So any philosophy seen on this site comes from the streets and the school of hard knocks
And clown College
Where I got my masters degree if you know what I’m saying $$

But other news,
The final card designs are done
Functionally speaking minus a couple aesthetic edits, of course
It’s a big deal, even though the structure has been mostly finalized for the past six months. It still needed to survive the other part of the test of time.
But it’s just perfect timing because daylight savings & spring and all that fun stuff $

And now it is time to pick back up with a little bit more reading $

AnyWho, it is 9:09 PM and we’re gonna go ahead and try to go to first sleep and take a little Nappy nap. 💤 $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-8-26

38

Happy 12:07 AM motherfuckers
Part two $

We are getting to the movies now $

Part of me wants to choose “gridiron gang” as a good throwback to rehab $$

You never forget a good PG-13 movie when you are incarcerated 
I’ll tell you that $$

Mostly because they basically outlaw them $$

Well, we’re choosing “darkest hour” 
partly because I got tired of standing and scrolling $

One classic ADHD thing is almost spending more time in the selection process then actually enjoying th3 selection $$

I can tell I need to do some mobility as the stiffness is real $

Just thinking about how often in jujitsu,
I would be surprised when an upper belt would not recognize that I was dialing in back physically
Cuz right when they felt threatened, they would suddenly turn on the gas and bust out some sketchy technique to try to win some submission $

I didn’t realize that whenever I accidentally turned on my strength, that that would scare them and they would panic $

I don’t mean to position myself as superhumanly strong either,
I was just your traditional gym rat 🐀 $$

But the secret is that most grapplers don’t lift
& the second you hit those type two muscles, they’re gonna get scared and divert to whatever technique they think they know to win $$

Which just exposes weakness when it comes down to learning $$

I didn’t even realize that they were panicking
mostly cause I didn’t realize pretty much anything that was going on because I was focused on trying to learn technique $$

Each and every day this stupid war goes on the more and more I divert to the fact that pretty much this was inevitable and I’m pretty sure that not only was the last election pretty much just pro wrestling but so were the last few $$

Meaning the “evil Cabal” just makes one side seem so completely stupid that it makes the other side look less evil
When in reality, 
they’re both with most concerned with preservation of power $$

Philosophy is timeless
Gossip is the opposite $$*

You don’t need to spend that much time in the gym before you start seeing some middle age women looking like gargoyles $$*

Like strange science experiments running around looking for any ounce of attention they can get science 🧪 $$*

This movie is pretty good
I’m officially one hour in at 1:13 AM
But kind of bittersweet that it’s most likely propaganda $

Cause if you haven’t heard,
There’s some controversy about Mr. Churchill,
And Hitler,
And the reality behind World War II,
Because it was financed by the global elite bankers,
Rothchilds and others 
But truth be told, I don’t really know Jack shit other than just bits and pieces of things I’ve heard
But the more crazy shit comes out the more that makes sense compared to the traditional line of thinking $

If you think I’m extra with my paint getting on everything then you haven’t spent much time in any old Victorian room $$$

The key to writing is doing it with an audience in mind
But I think these days there’s a new type of audience that didn’t use to exist, at least for most people.
Social media has introduced the fact that most people are talking to a collective rather than a single or even specific group of people $$

It’s almost like this line of generic, yet directed, thinking and sharing $

Historically speaking,
only politicians or those focused on the general public would write with this tone in mind
But now, 
because it is the most common and most accepted form of communication, 
it has enabled a different form of sharing $$

In a way it has justified the sharing of private info to the public $$

Some just get a little too private and a little bit too emotional when speaking to the public lol $$

But even the common teenager understands that pretty much anyone and everyone could be paying attention to them at any given point $$

*Lighter flick $

“You cannot reason with the tiger when your head is in its mouth” $$*

👄 $

The 👄 is disturbing lol $$$

I didn’t mean to place it twice, but that’s voice to text for you $

You can tell what someone’s really made of whenever they’re in an emotional debate $$

And who reaches deep into their bag of digs to say something to be hurtful,
 just for the sake of being hurtful,
Biggest childish move ever $$$

Honestly, 
being reminded how literally nearly everybody were alcoholic chainsmokers 80 years ago,
makes me feel better about my karma $$

If you really want war to stop, then you have to stop treating your neighbors like a threat $$$***

I swear the hardest thing I’ve had to do all year long is the walk down the street while trying to smile as people drive-by $$

While trying to figure out how to save the world 🌎 $

The only reason why something would come natural to somebody is if they’ve experienced it in someway before
Or something so similar, they can boot strap the pathways $$

Courage is easy if you are backed up by the right thing & the right cause $$*

Death is no problem as long as it isn’t for something meaningless $$*

I am convinced that this nation is made up of many different, incredible families from borderline unbelievable spiritual timelines that have overcome more hardship and fought and more wars than can ever be really appreciated $$

These souls earned the comfort and the opportunities that they have $$

However, 
we are learning that comfort is one of the most dangerous drugs that there is $$***

At 1:30 AM it is now starting to rain a little
& I’m debating when and what to eat $

Last thing I ate was a sleeve of crackers & about 4 ounces of that chicken lol $

I had some more electrolytes after the evening Saturday night dance 🕺 $

🪩 $

That’s 🆒 $

I think this is as good as time as any for some eggs and probably a little rice $

Imagine going to school for 12 years to learn how to play the guitar
But still suck and your music is shit
But then you go around trying to teach somebody who has actually been playing for 13 years
Cough cough doctors 🥼 $$$*

I just remembered that I splurged and I bought the wild blueberries the other day at the store and I am so excited right now $

And I basically just body slammed my phone on the kitchen floor
I cannot believe my iPhone 13 is still holding up $

I legit cannot take my phone case off anymore though because the back of it is so cracked that I’m pretty sure it’s gonna instantly fall apart $$

Just realized that the back of my phone is probably the one thing I’ll never be able to photograph with my phone
Other than with a mirror, of course $

I just swallowed a whole blueberry lol $

Perfect time to finish that cigarette $

The rain has stopped
Besides the dripping from the trees
I think that sounds like a frog
I really need to update myself on the suburban wildlife sites and sounds $

Pretty cool that your phone is like a Pokédex these days $$

For all plants and animals pretty much
You can just go to Google and take a picture of something and it’ll instantly tell you what it is $$

So if we’ve had this kind of technology for at least 20 or 30 years behind the scenes,
Then how do you think that factors into this new war? $$$*

I’m telling you- shit ain’t adding up
Especially when you look at the missing person statistics and the federal budget $$

Pretty crazy how the fed cannot pass an audit and has not been able to for decades $$********

And the fact that there’s probably no gold in Fort Knox after all $$

There’s a siren now popping off less than a mile away from here $

Maybe they heard that I’m starting to get over the target
Philosophically speaking 🎯 $$

I’m supposed to take a rest day
Seeing as it’s Sunday
But as of sometime around 8 AM yesterday, it became official~
I am back in the athlete phase $

and I’m saying fuck a rest day
I can comfortably say that my engine is running again 
I need to scale my performance though, because my numbers are pretty low at the moment and definitely not brag worthy $

A Hallmark sign of the transition between athlete to artist is when you start bragging about shit cause you actually have shit to brag about $$*

I am actually very optimistic for the future because most children have more wisdom than most adults these days $$***

And if we’re smart from this point moving forward, then we won’t have to reprogram so many people $$

I think a reason why a lot of the prophecies in the Bible are gonna come true is because they actually understood magic and consciousness 
and the evil fuck wads who we’re gonna end up destroying themselves $$

 it’s almost like they’ve seen this game before $$

You haven’t mastered shit until you can predict the future $$

“Those who changed their minds, never change anything” $$*

I hope it wasn’t all propaganda cause this dude seems cool as fuck $

“Success is not final and failure is not fatal. The encourage to continue is all that counts.” $$*

Bro, had the heat man damn $

It is 3:59 AM
Really 2:59 AM biologically
And time for a second sleep 🛌 $

I hate when I pull out my phone to write some notes and I see a text message that sends my body into the state of panic $

But at least my mind is not panicked
Although it is now dealing with my bodies, unnecessary use of panic energy so that’s fine $

It is 8:57 AM and we are on the way to the store
We’re gonna grab some more electrolytes and then hit the gym $

I do enjoy seeing piles of random bikes by houses though
It’s exciting to see kids still doing that kind of thing $

Remember growing up that’s how you could tell where the squad was
You just walked around until you saw the pile of bikes or skateboards
Skateboards were a little harder though, because you usually carried them if you weren’t riding them, you rarely just let them laying around
But it was always very easy to find a pack of skater kids at the shopping center because you could hear them from a half mile away $$

lol just got crop dusted so bad $

Cable kickbacks at planet feel a lot like target practice $$*

Hate to say it but you’ll never complete your adeptship if you never train on sundays $$

Caffeine promises all the things that electrolytes give you $$*

If you’re doing more than 6 working sets for a muscle then it’s only for fun
Don’t pretend otherwise $$$

All I know is that I’ve been called satan many times for simply giving out resistance … $$**

Hard to believe I’m at the point where I have to look up YouTube videos on how to do a man bun 
but here we are $

I have an unexpected meeting with the Mom in about 45 minutes
So I’m going to be spending the rest of the hour on the floor trying to settle my subconscious
Today’s a very special day 
and I was gonna come up with something to try to interact with her anyway, 
but I just have no idea what to expect after the last time
I’m honestly so concerned that she’s probably just gonna snap whenever she sees my “man bun”
But she did say that she has chicken wings… $

If AI is actually as smart as everybody thinks it is, 
then there’s nothing to worry about because it’ll very quickly discover and confirm the existence of deity and the Almighty $$

The only reason it wouldn’t is if it’s programmed to do otherwise $$

And then it would be very easy to find out that somebody programmed it to do otherwise,
and then that would be the thread that unravels the entire straight jacket $$

I love how when you leave ALDIs without buying shopping bags, It’s usually looks like you’re looting 🛍️ $$*

It is 2:16 PM and I’m happy to report that the pendulum has swung to the other side
Leaving the meeting with the madre now $

Pretty profound stuff
Won’t go too much into detail, 
but basically along the lines of her beginning to understand how I might’ve felt on the inside my whole damn life $$

Still resistant to understanding the solution, but I guess understanding and accepting the problem is step one after all $$*

I guess part of my message to the world is that you don’t have to wait until step one becomes so fucking hard to get started on step two $$$

You can just admit from the gate that shit is pretty fucked up and that you probably need to do some things on a daily basis to actually do well in this universe $$$

I’m also happy to report that I know people have been reading this
As if that wasn’t the whole point lol $

I don’t wanna ruin the joke, 
but the whole point is to be able to discern who has read my shit without them having owning up to it $

All you gotta do is say something that you know is gonna trigger the right person and then it doesn’t take long before you see the reaction $$

I may or may not have worded everything properly..
But I know damn well I stuck to the truth
And despite my many mistakes, 
I am fully comfortable with every word I write being read
Although I am quite aware that the profane are probably just gonna have a panic attack every time they get triggered $$

I’ve sat down with too many people in too many different situations and circumstances to see them react too strangely for any other reason other than some spiritual fuck shit $$

Sure, 
one will claim it’s just emotions
But I would simply respond that emotions follow awareness $$

Therefore, 
you only become emotional based off what you are aware of
If you are not aware of your own triggers, then you’ll simply be consumed by them while blaming somebody or something else $$^*

Once you master your emotions, then you can act a fool
Because only a true fool knows where the line is $$

Mostly because they’ve spent their entire life investigating on how to cross it without consequence $$***

I really hate it but days in which I’m triggered are the days of which I can’t shut up
Ironically, 
the days I write the most are the days I’m the most “sober” $$

I spent my whole life thinking it was the other way around when the evidence was overwhelming $

I mean, the simple fact that I would go to essentially what was a secret Society for the special Olympics of philosophy $$

I will also note for the record a very minor caffeine headache
This is nothing compared to the last few that I had that were splitting in pretty much best described as unreasonable $

But this is also a win because I’ve had two very light shots of caffeine squirt and nothing else
Although I did just brew two teabags $

All kidding aside though,
 now that my guard is kind of lowering,
I gotta say that today’s meeting was undeniable evidence of not only all the theories I have been juggling for the past 31 years, 
but also definitive evidence that…
And this might sound kind of mean at first, but…
My mom is not actually evil lol $

Obviously, 
I’ve known this forever, 
and I love her more than anything else
But my point is that when your biological guard gets triggered to such a degree, sometimes you cannot access the proper judgment $$

This is when most people act out and say things they don’t mean $$

Or when they intentionally try to inflict harm $$

But the evidence is that you can be close to a saint and still be a little edgy when chemically compromised $$*

And despite the fog of prednisone and other various pharmaceutical poisons,
She was able to see the intellectual distinction between states of a consciousness $

Simply put,
If you feel like shit, you’re probably gonna act like it $$*

And if you act like it long enough, than people might start to think you are shit $$*

But love always wins, 
and redemption is always possible
It’s just a matter of open-mindedness and willingness $$

Friendly reminder for what it’s worth~
This is not base reality $$$

Also important note,
If you’re gonna try to demonstrate how to use substances like a gentleman, 
just get ready for the resistance lol $$$

few things people hate more than you doing what they failed to do $$$$$$$*****

The more I think about it, 
the more I don’t think reality goes on forever
That would literally defeat the meaning $

I think it has to be limited
It has to be finite at least to some extent $

I think possibilities are endless
Just like there are endless different options for numbers $

Side note
If you’re having a bad day, 
then repeat after me:
Bitchassness be gone
Bitchassness be gone
Bitchassness be gone
$$$******

There you go
Keep that little number in your back pocket $$$

Unity is just Max feeling
Ego is Max separateness $$

“The wages of sin is death”
That’s just saying if you believe that you’re alone and separate then your identity will die $$$

I don’t think I’d call this realm Hell, 
but you can consider it the lower of the two $$

Another one of them thoughts that pops out when I’m smoking a cigarette lol $

“You’re playing with fire”
That’s OK because I took my first court ordered fire safety course at 13 years old $$*

After every movement you make,
 you got about three weeks before shit starts to atrophy (the worst case scenario) $$

I mean, this as a good thing
Cause as long as you renew everything every three weeks,
 you’ll pretty much maintain indefinitely $$

Most people just quit and fuck off after a few days $$

Tis 5:04 pm and we are at the trail doing our walk
Begrudgingly $

Walking with your hands in your pockets is proper technique if you’re deep in thought $$*

It is 5:49 PM and we just got home
I’m not gonna lie, I was feeling real bad & real sad before I went to walk, 
but I am feeling a lot better now despite having a little indigestion $

Mostly because of the lunch at the Mom’s was mostly poison of course 
but I’m not complaining $

I just did one loop and snatched a couple videos and stuff $

I actually feel like I have a little bit of dopamine
Cause I’m motivated to read or do other shit $

Motivation like Like a BIC lighter in a hurricane, 
but it is still lit fam 🔥 $$

Also important to know that my birthday is in exactly 13 weeks
So that’s pretty cool considering it’s daylight savings, 
which is the start of strength season $

Religion is just a construct to manage consciousness without going to insane $$*

One way to pray is
“God, thank you but plz help me blah blah blah 
serve my needs” $

Another way is simply asking yourself
 “what is the next right thing that I can do” $$

Kind of funny how allegedly all demons report to “Satan”
I just gotta know why the most powerful demon would be concerned with running a pyramid scheme 
instead of actually getting his hands dirty doing the fuck shit… ? $$

Instead of an evil ceo,
Kind of seems like if you were to control all demons you’d actually want somebody pretty righteous doing that $$

Or at least,
 I feel like an angel would enjoy Larping as Satan to troll all the evil bitches who wish Satan was real $$*

I feel like nothing worse than being evil, 
and realizing it was all a lie, 
and that you should’ve just been a good person $$*

kind of seems like most growth happens after all bad shit
And kind of seems like you would need the highest and most mature intelligence to handle the distribution of vices… $$*

You cannot grow without your vice
You cannot improve without your poison $$

And you cannot survive without resistance $$*

Most do not understand that 
Therefore, 
they view pain as a bad thing
And extrapolate that out to view any opportunity of pain as evil $$

Which blinds them to the truth and inverts their entire paradigm $$

Then after avoiding enough opportunities to confront pain, 
one begins to atrophy spiritually, 
and then comes to view every single energy expenditure as a nuisance $$

Then they isolate self and eventually succumb to stress $$

The only reason why God would make mistakes is because the mistake itself is more productive & meaningful
for the sake of spiritual development $$*

I’ve seen too many “black sheep of the family“ completely rebuild themselves to become the leaders of the household to believe otherwise $$$

And those who have been through the shit will always be better equipped to lead than those who have never confronted it $$$***

With any new habit, 
I would argue that it’s better to do one minute every day,
than doing 30 minutes every three days $$

It’ll take a couple weeks, 
but after simply starting and stopping enough times, 
it’ll become very easy to expand the amount of time You’re actually spending on that habit 
and enjoy it. $$

It’s hard to explain exactly how it works, 
but it’s a reprogramming technique
It’s for the long game 
and it’s intended to fall in love with whatever hardship it is that you need to improve on
it’ll save energy and it’ll most likely help to have it stick $

If you do not learn how to drive your body, you’ll become victim to all kinds of snake oil, bullshit supplements because any little thing will make you feel better and then you’re instantly gonna believe it’s some product $$*

When in reality, just managing fueling nutrition, activity and energy level and electrolyte balance, 
as well as not being a dick,
 pretty much cures most mental illness $$$*

Just a matter of time $

Which is why I love my herbs so much
Because when shit is really fucked up, they can help you get some kind of stability if you know what you’re doing
It’s only nervous Nancy’s and those who’ve had a bad running with a drug addict Who panic $$

Also, 
ironic these people generally have no problems taking pills as long as they come from a psychiatrist $$

The amount of resistance I feel right now just to simply do the easiest part of the resistance Games is evidence of spiritual warfare. $$

It is 7:30 PM and I am officially fucked up from the daylight savings. $

Holy hell that’s the most beautiful sky I’ve seen in a long time. $

It is no coincidence that I’m finishing the final pieces of the resistance games on today of all days $

I know I mentioned it on another wall, but this is the anniversary of my maternal grandmother’s passing
This would be 16 years today.. $

Holy fuck… $

Also, 
this is my late best friend’s sobriety date
Or at least it was… $

Also, 
this week is my mom‘s best friend anniversary of her passing $

She was closer than any other family to my mother side for sure
And sadly, 
Her health and her family were decimated by pretty much every textbook illness out there $

She was a physical therapist assistant as well, 
so she knew the power of movement $

But became in capacitated at a certain point,
She had so many health struggles from what I witnessed
Indirectly, 
I know she’s part of the reason why I’m on this path $

I sold her house and her mother’s house as an adult lol $

At the time,
 I was so emotionally dead that I was really mostly concerned with the financial peace and getting the deal done just to have some experience $

Not to sound so shallow, 
but I just didn’t read too much into it other than being happy to help out family 
And of course, benefit from it $

I just didn’t ever potentially connect the dots that maybe spiritually speaking,
 I’m a lot more connected with that family than I recognized at the time $

Side plug to reincarnation tangent & all that high strangeness $

But my family was connected with her family and lived next-door even in Miami dating back into the 50s $

Growing up, we spent every holiday together in this life 
and I’m pretty sure the previous $

And she passed back in 2018 I believe
So that’s another eight years $

Again, 
major cycles usually work out in four years at a time apparently $

But the home is a very meaningful thing for obvious reasons
So I’m happy that I could be a part of passing that onto to new families 
ethically and smoothly 
and also I get to walk by the renovated houses many mornings on my sun walk $

Magic is just when the outer world finally aligns with your inner world 
and syncs up with perfect timing $$

But the world will only see the outside, 
so it is up to you to believe it enough on the inside $$$*

I get along best with the~
 “find a way no matter what motherfuckers“ 
kind of people $$$

Just had another amazing gain bowl
This time with rice, five eggs and about 3 ounces of that chicken 
A super protein pack
I mean it when I say it gets better every time $

I keep forgetting about the blueberries and then remembering them and getting really excited 
which is basically how consciousness works
& Pretty much all of existence for that matter $

It is 10 :0 9 PM in time to finish the cigarette $

Most people are soldiers in the war on drugs without even knowing it $$$*****

I think the last eclipse was two years ago
And I was just beginning to get suspicious That shit was crazy back then, 
but I really didn’t fully get it… $

These clouds are like in a perfect straight line
You never see this shit 
it looks like a blanket on the edge of the covers
Near the exact same spot as the sunset earlier $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-9-26

39

Happy 4:13 AM $

It is a nice new magical day $

*Lighter flick $

I am not sure if I’m gonna end up going back to sleep
Actually, probably gonna eat some crackers $

But if I eat them now, then I might not be able to go to the gym at 5 AM $

But then again, I could probably hang out here for a little longer and work up a hunger.., $

Or I can go ahead and start smashing the electrolytes and pull from my bodies internal fuel $

I do have the note for the record that I am just not hungry at all
Physically, that is $

It is a big note because if I was not actually switching into different metabolic gears during my last couple workouts, then I promise you I would be grappling with the carb monster right now $

Sleep was OK
Somewhere around 5 to 6 hours
I’m really not that sleepy physically, 
but I almost kind of want to go back to sleep emotionally $

I’m getting more energy by the second 
I think I have to go to the gym at 5 AM $

I think it is time to return to the early morning 
and reclaim my spot as the crazy dude in the gym two or three times every day $

Just did the cold shower
And while the water wasn’t lower than probably 60° it still did its job wonderfully $$

The best part about the 5 AM drive to the gym is you can essentially run all the stop signs $$*

Don’t do that though I’m kidding $$$

Just thinking how you probably can’t consider yourself a good gym if you’re not open at 5 AM on a Monday $$$

Bittersweet that my deodorant smells like rehab
But still pretty damn good lol $$

Caring about resistance on the smith machine earns an automatic fool card $$$*****

Best way to make grown men moan is with the truth $$

Mostly male athletes and female activists show up after daylight savings $$*

Telling somebody something that they want to hear doesn’t make it a lie $$*

And that’s what’s borderline corrupted the planet
Because 1/2 of people cannot handle the truth, 
even if it’s delivered in the most loving way possible $$

And then the other half is so corrupted by their perceived false sense of enlightenment that they go around, manipulating people in order just to profit $$

Well, my morning is officially pretty much ruined because I just saw a cat dead in the middle of the fucking road right outside my neighborhood $

I am really sad now $

And I am torturing myself with my own thoughts 💭 $

I am very grateful that I get to see my buddy first thing when I open the door though $

Just sending all good vibes prayers & everything I can to that cat and his family man $

I want to get it out of the road, but I don’t know how without causing more problems $

Fuck man 
that’s really fucking with my head $

After doing some deliberation, 
I don’t think there’s a way I can get it out of the road without it causing more complications to the entire situation. $

Is this poop? Why is your poop out here, buddy $
(Me to Alex)

Actually, I lied. 
I cannot leave it in the middle of the street.
I will move it to the side of the road though because that’s probably the only way the owner will actually see it $

It is 8:51 AM and Thomas is at peace
And buried by the creek in my backyard lol ☮️ $

I ran probably half a mile and grabbed him out of the middle of the street
Luckily, 
he was deceased and not suffering
But it was clear he had been hit multiple times and his head was very disturbing $

I’m not even trying to be funny, 
but seriously picking him up seeing the dismemberment, and then taking them to the woods and proceeding to bury him, 
was one of the most familiar things I’ve ever done $

I am not sure what to do as far as notifying the family though
Cause I couldn’t just leave him on the side of the road $$$

I kept thinking “what if this was Alex”, what would I want somebody to do? $

And it would be to bury him with dignity as soon as possible $$$***

I don’t even know if I did the right thing, 
but I just could not go through the rest of my day knowing that the cat was in the middle of the street like that $

He was still warm when I was carrying him back..
He was not fixed and seemingly well fed
A little on the older side, I think $

Time to get back to dashing… $

I do want to note for the record, however, that it is very comforting to see the signs on the trees and the street signs at the end of the neighborhood that are the exact opposite,
And they’re claiming they found a cat and are seeking the owner 
So there is a pendulum for you $

Richard Dawkins is probably king of missing the plot $$$***

I don’t want to record this, but
About a half hour ago,
 I finally reviewed that hidden archive from my last relationship
The one where I stored all the meaningful material..
Going back through it for the first time since I hid everything a year ago.. $
 
Well, I’ll just be honest
I broke down in tears for a bit
Because I could see my pain and I could also see the love I have for them $

And how real it really was $

But also, 
it was inevitable we’d go separate ways because I know for a fact, they weren’t the right people for my crazy ass $

Not saying they’re wrong or bad,
I mean, 
I am very unique and hard to handle for sure $$

But throughout the whole relationship, 
I was fighting an internal war and probably actual demons
So there’s that $

Demons are just negative energy orbs that fuck with your perception of things $$****

Most doctors keep zooming in expecting to find the secret to solve the problem
But solution is usually downstream $$*

And if you want to change the flow of something, you should always check down stream first $$

Pretty crazy that today of all days a customer would have the same exact pin code as I do… $

I’m willing to bet that the panic button on the car remote it says it’s done more damage than good over the course of forever $$$***

It’s called the panic button because that’s what it makes you do on accident every time $$

Note for cat flyer: 
Found cat
It is with sadness and upmost sincerity that I must inform who this may concern that this morning around 8:30 AM, an orange and white adult male cat was found deceased in the middle of the road.
It would appear he did not suffer.
The driver of the vehicle is unknown and time of death is uncertain but must’ve been between 5 and 8 AM on March 9, 2026.

He received a proper burial immediately at a nice spot by a creek in my backyard

Please see photo on back for identification
And please feel free to reach out if you have any questions or if you want to see the gravesite

Please leave a message or text as I genuinely don’t answer unknown numbers and I’ll get back to you ASAP.
Jarrett- 704 517 4985 $$$

Well, 
I posted three flyers on three stop signs at the most logical points
There’s a good chance he might’ve been a neighborhood cat actually considering the other side of the street was my neighborhood
One of the streets I walk down often so it just makes me feel a little bit better than I did it
Although I’m not trying to discriminate against neighbors via distance and all of that $

It’s very bittersweet
I hope his family is OK $

I guess I need a few bowls after that lol $

It is not looking good for the power bill though
We need about $40 more
I am optimistic, but I am nervous $

But I’m pretty sure tomorrow’s a cut off day $

The fact that I feel this good despite the fact that every factor involving my own best interest is going to shit is evidence of divinity $$***

I feel like you’ll get better results if you stop saying “Jesus loves you” and start saying “I love you. “ instead $$$***

Intelligence is intention $$$*

I can’t believe people think the Bible is a textbook
Some even say it’s a library
I think they’re just being foolish 
because it’s obviously a treasure map $$$****
 
In other news, 
I think by the hair on our Chiny Chinchin’s, we might have just enough to pay the power bill 
And trust me, after a bit of an emotional roller coaster of a day, I am not trying to take that for granted $

I will say though I do feel pretty damn good from an energy and machine perspective $

I can tell emotionally that my sleep was on the lower side and that my rhythm has been a little jacked because of daylight savings
I’m not blaming the time change
I’m saying, I literally changed my routine. Just happens to be on the same day.
So that was that whole wake up at 4 AM and go to the gym at 5 AM again business
And I’ve had zero naps since $

I’ve had three bags of tea
There were two like squirt shots at the gym
But no other caffeine besides that
Just started the first day of the day, but that’s not a surprise
It’s 6:48 PM $

I’ve gone through the equivalent of half a tablet
I think I’m down to five left
So I gotta check my notes when I bought them
I think it was Thursday $

I think I’ve gone through five since Friday
And that’s not too shabby, considering how much I’ve been working and how little anything else I’ve had $

Kind of crazy seeing Fox News Write article articles about how compounds in cannabis can cure disease. $$$

One article was literally talking about how marijuana could reverse disease $ 

I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU PEOPLE THAT WAS ILLEGAL FOR A REASON $

Hey, if there’s any scientist reading this and they want to study me and my bio markers then I’m all for it 
if you pay for it lol $$$

Tis 7:59 PM and we’re finishing the cigarette $

I assert how OCD I am with every little detail smoking technique wise as further evidence of reincarnation
Cause I remember it only took a couple cigarettes before I had that technique down packed$

I’ve said it before, but I have such a strange relationship with cigarettes
I smoked here and there when I was a wild teenager, but nothing too crazy $

Once you get sober though, I mean, that’s just kind of what you did
You just smoke and talk shit and drink coffee $$

So I picked it up fresh out of rehab and smoked probably on average just under half a pack a day for five years just about $

Or better put 
I started smoking in spring of 2012 and quit in fall of 2017 $

I would vape on and off for two separate nine month periods 
with about nine months off in between unintentionally $

And I probably consume more nicotine from vaping than cigarettes because I was vaping throughout the day versus smoking only in the evening socially $

And then I didn’t touch it again until about a month and a half ago
And I’m averaging a pack every two weeks lol
So that’s like one and a half cigarettes a day and these are the light American spirits $

I have no idea how they compare to the Parliament and the Marlboro reds and the camel blues and the camel filters that I used to smoke $

It is kind of funny how I ended with parliaments for the longest I think $

Whenever I talk about being broke now, I’m actually totally cool with it because even though I wasn’t a complete dip shit with my finances in my early 20s I was definitely not as intentional as I could’ve been $$

I give myself some slack because just about all my money was “wasted“ on spending a lot of time eating with other alcoholics or supplements for the gym 
or just generalized comforts within reason $$

I got all my tattoos for less than $1500 and mostly on a McDonald’s and sneaker money salary $

And my last tattoo was I think and summer of 2014 $

And I gotta say
They’ve aged way better than I ever expected both aesthetically and philosophically $

Anyway, my point is that I would not be this good with my finances and diet and discipline if I wasn’t forced to $

And I say all the time 
partly to self flagellate
 and partly because it is true -
that I could go get any “normal job” pretty much whenever, 
and because my monthly expenses are so low, 
I could reasonably cover it, 
but that would hijack any energy I have
At least from the last year
And I wouldn’t be able to continue finishing the resistance games $

I mean, I truly feel like it is true 100% spiritual because each time I try to do something I feel like it’s not related to it, It’s like all ideas and everything vanish
 and I get the classic ADHD anxious but on a whole different level. $$

Kind of like what it used to be like when I would miss a meeting or a hang out or work $

So as crazy as it seems, I’ve learned more in the past year, and I practiced these principles to a higher degree than I ever even thought possible
Completely solo $

It is 8:36 PM
And as of about a half hour ago, we successfully paid the bill to keep the power from getting cut off 
knock on wood 🪵 $

I made some ground beef with a little rice
And now I’m having a glass of blueberries with some syrup
So basically in heaven $

It is still kinda hard for me to believe that I have a man bun
And I actually like it $$

Good job, buddy. $$$

That last line was for Alex
Shocker $$

AnyWho, it is 9:12 PM and time for first sleep or maybe only sleep 
who knows $

It is a mystery $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-10-26

310

Oh shit, what up? $

Is 12:50 AM $

Do you know what that means? $

*Finger lick $

Time to find something to be excited to watch for about 30 seconds until I get distracted by something unrelated $

I feel like the musicians involved with the pharmaceutical companies do not get enough credit for all the catchy jingles they come up with to help pedal the poison $

(Obv they deserve the ick)

It is 1:56 AM and time for part of a cigarette
And some lovely night air of course $

Kind of funny how often I’m like
“”Just need to get some fresh air real quick”
And then I load up a smoke of some sort $$

Feel so good out here $

For those concerned about my furnace, I haven’t needed it or the AC for like two weeks now
Which is the benefit of Charlotte, North Carolina
Where six months out of the year being spring and fall, you got some pretty reasonable temperatures $

And the beauty of all the trees I think makes up for the pollen cause knock on wood, I’ve never had any major issues with allergies. $

That’s a whole Nother rabbit hole
Because many people get fucked up just by a little bit of pollen
And it’s weird because I’ve had different periods in my life to wear in some seasons they got me good & other times nothing at all $

But for the most part ever since I’ve gotten back outside, I’ve had a very pleasurable experience $

And I don’t want to jinx it, but I don’t even recall a single night this past winter to where I became a legitimate mouth breather due to some kind of pathogen 🦠 $

Christmas, I was sick, but that never manifested be beyond a slight fever and chills $

Usually, each year there’s at least a couple days to where My nose is super runny or I become a mouth breather or I gotta play that weird nostril game to where one nostril is the Sahara desert while the other is the Amazon rainforest $

Just reinforcing adaptation and energy $

Cause this was the first year I pretty much allowed the cold
And again that was even activist level shit compared to probably what my ancestors dealt with or what most people deal with in the world $$

But after a week or two of loading up on the crackers and replacing my winter fat, as long as I was fueled, it was very easy to stay warm $

And I will say that this winter it was in the teens, quite a lot
And maybe I just didn’t notice it in the past
But most days it was at or below freezing so that counts for something $

There’s like zero wind
It’s eerily quiet $

I can hear some weird critters but there’s virtually no cars $

I’m telling you just taking the moment to appreciate the stillness Nets more energy points than the cost of smoking 🚬 $$

But then again, those who actually work have known this forever lol $$

I might have to investigate rolling my own cigarettes if I can find an even lighter tobacco so that way I can smoke for longer without getting too big of a buzz $

And I’m also just gonna say it
Cigars seem mostly silly $

I mean, I get special occasion and all that, but I cannot understand why people just puff on that thing and don’t inhale even though you’re gonna get a lot of nicotine without even trying $

Maybe I’m being an actual hypocrite and a baby in real time,
Cause I know the whole point of a cigars to be able to enjoy the smoking
And maybe I just need to improve my technique $

you know what? $

I just talked myself into it. 
I gotta get a cigar.
Cause thinking back now, I actually did enjoy those with the boys $

And I can certainly enjoy them with the spirits $

And I gotta get my tolerance up I think
But it’s hard to get your nicotine tolerance up without getting your dependence up as well $

But if there’s anyone that can do it, maybe it’s me $

AnyWho, it is now 2:07 AM
We’re gonna do a victory hit
I also need to note I had some crackers
And the dinner digested very well
Which was beef and rice and blueberries with extra blueberries and syrup lol $

It is 6:50 AM and we are getting ready to get to training $

That was a pretty decent second sleep $

I’m also happy to report that as long as I actually do sleep it only takes me maybe 5 to 15 minutes to wake up
Without caffeine $

Anyway, we got the music videos playing like middle school $

Kidding aside though,
 just simply waking up at this hour, would’ve been enough to make me wish for certain death $$

And of course we’re starting off with “when I’m gone” by Eminem
Nostalgia $

It’s gonna be a good day when the Creed starts off early if you know what I mean $$

It’s 9x easier to learn mobility when you’re crispy af $$*

It is 12:42 p.m. and we are starting the second gain bowl
Took this morning off real resistance at the gym as I could tell him my CNS was fried $

My hunger, and all that reinforced that theory $

I think I was also right about yesterday how even though I felt pretty good, I was still not near my peak because sleep being a little iffy and I think stress is the biggest issue there $

Creatively though I’m doing pretty good and I’m consumed two small shots of squirt and one teabag $

It is 2:04 PM
And noting for the record that we’re starting a first half of another cigarette
The daytime smoke is very rare for yours truly as I’ve said before
But something about it just feels right
It is also officially in the 80s $

And I’m quickly reminded that it is much harder to adapt to the heat than it is to the cold $$

Or I guess if you’re genetically predisposed to be from the north, like I am
I am slowly, but surely turning into some kind of southern Day walker $

(As if 31 years wasn’t enough already)

I’m honestly pretty hopeless when it comes down to tanning
Even my best year during Covid when I was outside, working out like an inmate every day, was laughable compared to anybody with any natural tan $$

God help my thighs and ass cheeks cause I don’t think they’ve ever seen the raw sunlight lol $$

I’m feeling real antsy and jittery now
Oh, and I just kind of realized that I actually probably need to go work out soon
Cause I didn’t actually lift earlier
And since then, I’ve had two pretty big gain bowls $

And I haven’t had an afternoon workout in a while
Hypertrophy that is instead of just some light cardio $

But seriously, just talking about it out loud right now, I realize that’s why I literally cannot sit still
And I do have to kill, probably another hour digestion wise $

It is 2:50 PM and we are on the way to the gym with the goal of getting a very nice back pump $

It is 8:48 PM
After an afternoon of a couple dashes, it’s been the majority of my time finalizing them resistance games
Finished the elements, just need final touches
And about to create the face cards, but probably gonna let it digest just a bit because I’ve had to make some aesthetic change
But should be good to go pretty soon $

I’m trying to figure out what to do next
I’m hungry, 
but I’m also not hungry so it’s hard to explain
I don’t know if I would like to eat, but I’m just too lazy to make food
Or if the food that I ate last has yet to kick in
Which was crackers and some chicken lol $

I am stepping out to finish a short
And it is loud as fuck out here 
I think those are cicadas $&

But for real though, it’s 8:53 PM and this shit is like obnoxious already
I didn’t even notice the inside, so it’s not quite that loud but I promise you I would’ve noticed this every other night and made a note about it $

Let’s just hope whatever it is comes in peace
The only kind of smoke that I want is the kind I already have $$*

I will note that it’s coming from the left side of the house when facing the creek $

I also will date for the record that I have not heard anything back about the cat from the owner directly, 
but I did receive a very kind text message from a neighbor who gave him treats often
And sent me some cute pics of their cats, so that was cool $

I think somebody took the sign down from the Farmwood entrance
But it seems the other two are still posted $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-11-26

311

Happy 1:07 AM $

That was a pretty good little first sleep $

I’m gonna take a little quick stop at the movies to really keep it fresh $

I’ve been watching “60 days in” 
Which has been pretty decent $

I’ve heard about it for a while, but I really never seen it or even thought about seeing it $

Honestly, it sounds kind of fun
And I know everybody says that which is why they have so many participants,
But I’m thinking that some of them are not used to living life with basically nothing and nobody lol $

Which is why some of them tap so quickly $

Hungry the last food I had was probably that chicken $
(????)

This week, I’ve also basically tripled my electrolyte intake and I’ve gone back to my old approach of just saying fuck it and using as much as I can
And I definitely think it is worth the money $

I think it’s helping me tap in to my body fat, but it could just be helping me maximize the energy I have on standby $

But if I’m right about it actually helping me metabolize more fat or at least maximize my fat conversion ATP wise,
 then I can tell my body is way more efficient at converting energy from fats provided the right material materials are available $

Which is a really big deal because if that’s the case,
And if I can continue to improve on that adaptation,
 then my life is gonna get a lot more comfortable when I’m running extreme distances $

“My wife went through my phone and found some shit on it from when we weren’t together and now she’s tripping and I can’t call her
And I’m about to lose my shit”
-nearly arrived nervous male inmate $

 famous last words right there $$

AnyWho, 
after some deliberation, it has been decided,
Might be a little aggressive, but
We’re doing garlic bread $

As I think that is going to be the best, fuel wise, for the gym $$

I learned the first time not to make the whole loaf the first time though,
So we’re gonna do a little less than a half $

But the chicken, I used garlic Parmesan seasoning and I was thinking about putting some of that chicken on it..
Because that is some of the most genius shit ever $

Between the cannabis and garlic, my house has the most inviting aroma
Spiritually speaking, of course $$*

I don’t think I gave myself enough credit for creating a product that is both instantaneous and undeniable with what it aims to do $

It is 2:18 AM
That was an amazing garlic and chicken slider basically
So like a sub almost $

I’m stepping out for a cigarette $

And I’m resuming that line of thinking,
In the beginning with movement, 
it’s like music and the focus is simply learning the instrument and how to play certain notes $

At first the focus is if “I’m just playing the note at the proper way” $

But Instead of it sounding like shit, it’ll make you feel like shit if you do it wrong $

But after you learn the notes, 
it’s very important to start focusing more on how your putting them together, much like how you would create a song 🎶 $

But I will say that movement is easier to copy than it is to re-create a song $$

Anybody could copy a workout and after about three or four times will be able to move smoothly through it $$*

Versus a song that might take countless hours of creating or curating $$

Both are somewhat terrifying,
But one requires an amount of science that is truly overwhelming $$

And I’m at the part of the process now to where Ive got some creative distance between the fine details and I’m getting back down to actually playing the game and focusing on getting people to move $

Instead of just writing things the wrong way to make sure that I have them the right way $$

As of 2:22 AM I can feel the carb coma coming up
Or more like creeping in $

My lips are a little toasty from the hot sauce lol
I swear I can get through just about anything with cannabis and hot sauce $$

If you give me Kratom,  
it’s not even a challenge $$

Kidding lol $$$

Cause this time last year was about to be the death of me $$$

314 is probably the most significant day of my life spiritually speaking
Or at least the 72 hour period close to that day $

And this time last year on that day, 
I spent the morning on a telehealth appointment to upgrade my Adderall.. $

And I finally got the good shit $

I wasn’t even really shopping or any shit like that $

I’ve gone over this before, 
but the actual supply of the medication was so fucked up that you have to get the most milligrams possible just to account for the amount of waste that you were gonna have $$

A quick example was, even though I was taking 60 mg on paper, The pills were notoriously underdosed 
and if you know anything about amphetamines, 
that is one roller coaster that is very difficult to ride for long. $$****

And then after refilling that prescription, I’m pretty sure I had to go to work $

So let’s just say that I’m betting on that pendulum $

Been waiting on that motherfucker all year lol $

That things got so much stored up energy, It’s now become a wrecking ball. $

It is also officially cooler inside the house than it is outside
I saw some headline that we might’ve set a record for heat yesterday.. $

Random thought, 
but I know the sunlight is great for you and all, 
but I think that people would be healthier if they spend time trying not to be so afraid of the dark $$***

It is 6:42 AM
We are up briefly, 
but we’re probably gonna go get a little bit more sleep $

I just wanted a note for the record of distinction between the times in which my body tells me to get more rest versus when it says it’s time to go $

Kind of funny how 30 minutes ago I was like “I’m just gonna stay in bed all day and have a rest day“ $

And now I’ve already completed my cold shower and I’m running out the door to go hit legs lol $

Of course I got the music videos playing $

Oh hell, yeah
“You’re beautiful“ by James Blunt is now playing $

Nobody:
Randoms in gym: 🧐🫣 $$$****

It is 11:45 AM
And it’s been another great morning
And I’m happy to report I have not succumbed to the stress of my existential existence $

And the fact that the world is literally…
I mean, I don’t even know how to describe it $

We did a pretty good little leg workout, focusing mostly on single iso hypertrophy $

We even went to the library afterwards and did a little bit of browsing and reading $

We did get some more sludge $

I guess since I haven’t talked about it in a while, I’ll go ahead and drop a little note about the sludge $

Sludge is what I referr to as the Kratom leaf when prepared as a shot $

Each “sludge shot“ contains probably about 2 1/2 grams of leaf powder
Mixed with water $

I mix two servings (so 5 g) in a little tiny Tupperware and generally go from there $

One shot is equal to about three capsules, but generally, you get to skip the two hours kick time when it sits in your stomach $

The only way to ethically lie is if it’s a joke
Remember that especially over the next couple months $$

(lol not related to the Kratom)

It is officially that super cool time of year in which it almost looks like it’s snowing because of all of the white Bradford pair pedals falling everywhere $

While it is technically true, 
I think calling mental fueling supplements “drugs“ all the time it’s just simply not the most appropriate $$$***

The only downside to telepathy is that it takes so long to figure out if you’re being accurate or not
But give it enough time and you’ll get pretty precise $$

See this is the kind of shit I was talking about,
It is 1:46 PM and I took that shot over an hour ago and I wouldn’t be able to tell if it did anything at all.

I’m gonna try to wait another 30 minutes to an hour because sometimes it does kick in a little bit extra later on, 
but even then it’s so much more fleeting $

That is the one benefit of the capsules is that even though they take forever to kick in, they usually do and then you get 45 minutes of empathetic relief lol $

It’s actually a really good thing when people bump shitty loud trap music so you can stay as far away from them as possible $$***

Running into the lion to buy a gal of water at 4:13pm $

It is 5:06 PM and updating for the record
I took barely an eighth of a tablet and I can honestly say it is working better than the two sludge shots I’ve taken so far. $

So this sludge is basically the tea method,
And I keep going on about how I think the issue is how it breaks down and digests as it moves so fast thru your system, you need double or triple what you need with the capsules $

But now I’m starting to think that maybe the plant stash that I have is kind of bunk $

Because I felt more before even with a higher tolerance with less of a dose $

And the fact that I just took so little of a tablet and the buzz is what it is is pretty note worthy $

Funny how I’d rather be a cage fighter than dance in public 😂 $$***

It is 7:18 PM and we are halfway through the sun walk/Sunset walk $

And man do I gotta say,
 it feels literally perfect outside
Slightly windy, but it’s gotta be like 72°
Probably another 20 or 30 minutes a daylight left $

Getting pretty close to finishing the TRG
And boy, I can feel the resistance $

In many ways, 
it’s direct evidence of everything I’ve been rambling on about for the past year as everything seems pretty good other than that 
and yet each time I sit to get to work there’s at least five minutes of soul crushing restlessness $

That’s the time when I’m making all the mistakes anyway so I just budget it in as a warm-up $

And it does subside pretty quickly
Some of the decision-making stuff gets difficult when you feel like that because that muscle literally just quits working $

And for a long time whenever that mental muscle would fail, I would just blame myself instead of viewing it as more of a fuel and function issue $

I mean, of course my problem was “trying too hard”
Which is unavoidable when you’re doing anything for the first time
And anything creative is gonna take way longer to get over that type of self sabotage $

But once you’ve heard your own bullshit enough, there’s no greater gift than being able to recognize it before it comes out $$*

And that is the key to energy efficiency $

I can’t tell but it looks like there might be a group of women with a dog that just walked past my street $

Too far away to make an ID
But I am very happy to see more people getting out. 
I just don’t know if I’ve ever seen them before. $

My neighbor drove by without looking or waving or anything at the beginning of my walk.. $

Which I am also guilty of so lol $

If you’re reading this bro, 
then just know I totally understand that I probably look sketchy
But I’m nice and shy and quiet in person so we can keep this up or have a nice intro sometime $

But it’s gonna be hard if you keep speeding away.. $

7:43 PM
Just had another amazing gain bowl with five eggs, some rice and some seasoned black beans $

I did not know they were seasoned when I bought them because I’m a dummy and misread the label, 
but this is one of those mistakes in which I am very grateful for because these shit slap $

They are also the generic Food Lion brand and half the price of all the other black beans 🫘 $

And maybe it’s too early to tell, 
but I feel like I was less gassy lol $

I’m also stepping out for a cigarette and to enjoy an admin break $

I mean, 
it is pretty radical how quickly my consciousness is jumping around and how I’m able to see things at different levels as it relates to the games $

Where in the past I would get hung up on one small detail for hours or days
Now it’s seconds or minutes
And my intellectual recovery time is also much quicker $

And just kind of updating the dietary record for the last week or so- $

I’ve been eating less eggs, 
cause I’ve been eating more ground beef and chicken
And as much as I joke, 
I’m actually probably on the most generic “balanced” and cost affordable that there is $

When you consider from the average person’s perspective $

Because I can get a weeks worth of food for 50 bucks
And that comes out to be near nearly 3000 cal a day
And around 15Oish g of protein, if not more $

But whenever I have extra fats, and whenever I was genuinely beginning to need new nutrients, I get such a wave of satisfaction and relief and well-being once I finish eating $

It’s almost like it’s some little buzz 🐝 $

I’m thinking
And I will confirm this over the next couple weeks and months,
That as my engine really picks back up speed, both body and brain, that I should be able to improve my overall fueling efficiency from fats to an even higher degree than I ever thought $

I really do think the secret is because I was basically starved last summer lol $

I mean dead ass I was in the 130s $

I was just pretty much withering away
But extremely slowly, when you consider all the shit that was being thrown at me $

And I’ve rambled on before in the past, but I could tell at the end of those days that I was really pushing it as far as metabolic efficiency goes $

But if I had the energy to throw my body weight around on a barbell, 
even at my lowest, 
then I’m excited to see what I can do with my best $

It is 8:46 PM and time to finish this cigarette $

And I did a little bit of scrolling on Instagram
And I have some thoughts lol $

First
Half of everything I saw made me feel like shit somehow $

I think it really comes down to the intent behind the video,
Regardless of what it actually is, 
if somebody is doing it for attention in a selfish way just to highlight themselves, then it just leaves this icky energy feeling $$

This is distinguishably different than something that is worth sharing that does happen to highlight yourself though $$

I’m talking about those who are basically pretending $$

The other half was a lot of funny stuff and creative stuff that I did like
And reinforces that there are a lot of really amazing people out there $$

But even half of that indirectly makes you feel shitty because it’s highlighting something that you either can’t do 
or you wish you could do 
and it reminds you that you’re missing out $$

So just reinforces how much healthier it is to stay off the shit as much as you can
But it does have some value if you can curate it and control it $$

And I’m rarely ever on it 
so my algorithm just spams me with whatever it thinks it likes to see because its sample size is so small for me these days $$

So I know it’s basically just sourcing all the shit that I post and kind of mirroring that back $$

Which is again leading me to my next point as to why I’m so grateful that I’ve been spiritually forced to take this time to kind of sit and digest everything and go full circle $

Because my strategy today is so much different than it was a year ago and even six months ago $

And it’ll keep me out of that cesspool of searching for views $$

Everything I’ve done up to this point has been intentional trial and error, 
and I’ve deliberately posted the things that I thought were either kind of shitty or medium tier at best $$

Cause I’ve been spread so thin with everything that I can’t make proper judgment,
So I know whatever I post is gonna be half shit anyway,
Which is why I deliberately would post some things that are kind of “just to see how bad it really would be in a few weeks or months” $

And I’m constantly pleasantly surprised $

This is the equivalent of doing the bare minimum $

So as of this moment, 
I have enough content to really sustain for the next four years if I wanted to
Without recording or saying anything new.. $$

Other than the appropriate edits and stuff like that $

But that’s obviously not the goal 
and I’m gonna work in some new shit 
and I’ve got a lot of actual science with the training stuff that I gotta get out to go with the games. $

But I’m happy that I can focus on the philosophy and the movements $

And trolling idiots who can’t tell the real magic $$$

AnyWho
I made a double sludge and it really isn’t doing shit
Maybe it’s cause I took this one on a full stomach $

Once again, just the inconsistency of it is frustrating $

But I guess it is almost time to go to first sleep
I can feel my circadian rhythm aligning $

The political podcast before bed might not be helping though, but it seems to be the best time to catch up on this shit $

Cause only God knows what’s gonna be out tomorrow $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-12-26

312

Yeah, buddy $

Happy 12:31 AM $

I just had another almost unexpected Very decent first sleep. $

It’s unexpected because I did not expect to fall asleep
I was not that tired $

But the victory is that my body listened to me $

And after about 15 minutes, I was out $

I’m also so excited because this is the second night in the row $

So we’re starting a new pattern $

I know I go back-and-forth all the time about the midnight movies $

But I really do enjoy them even if I don’t have to go to $

Oh sorry, pardon me one second $

*pins Snuggie $

There we go $

We’re gonna go ahead and try to watch “ Noremberg” $

Which believe is about the holocaust trials $

OK, this makes no sense.. $

“What follows is told by those who lived it
And by those who didn’t” $

Ummm
Isn’t that just like everyone then? $

already got one strike for trying too hard. 
& didn’t even get to the opening scene 🎬 $

Not to sound bitter or like the ancient old man, 
but come on.. $

It’s pretty poor taste $

I got a feeling I got a lot of spicy shit about to come out $

*Lighter flick $

“ it’s May 7, 1945 and Hitler is dead“ $

See, there we go again with the propaganda.. $$

Well, I think we’re in like the third or fourth scene now and we got a nervous Nancy trying to convince a judge not to do his damn job just because it’s challenging and there’s not “a precedent” $

Not that it’s bad movie cause we’re only five minutes and 35 seconds in,
Just making observations $

You know my feelings towards nervous Nancy’s.. $

I wish more people understood that the most important things that we are likely here to accomplish, are going to seem impossible at first $$$

WHICH IS THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT $$$

MY GOD STOP WHINING $$$

JUST GET TO WORK
 I PROMISE YOU’LL FEEL BETTER $$$

EVEN IF YOU FAIL
AT LEAST THEN, YOU WON’T HAVE THAT KNAWING DOUBT IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND $$$*

Random thought but 
it’s probably most “successful” peoples fear to get canceled for their sneaky, slutty behavior..
and end up having to do something humbling, like I don’t know..
 maybe deliver pizzas …. 🍕 $

I bet you anyone with a true ego could not fall from Grace with a smile $$*

(Just for clarification- I did not get canceled for sneaky slutty behavior 
Cuz ain’t nothing sneaky bout your boy 😉)

I’m actually kind of looking forward to watching the last two times they fired me during my life review
Cause then they get to see me smile and wave and shake their hand,
While they shake and tremble $$

Literally 
Each time, my managers knew my terminations were fucked
 so they were both completely irrational different people in the moments leading up to that and afterwards $$

Sorry, my ADHD is showing. I’ll get back to the movie. $

You know what,
I’m not gonna give away the details because that would be a spoiler,
But it watching Russell Crowe play an old Nazi is pretty entertaining $

New seg:
Movements you’re prob missing $$*

Thinking about that other half of the garlic bread… $

My goal is to go to the trail tomorrow
Or you know later today $

Instead of the gym that is $

“Who is more powerful than the president”
*Cuts to the Vatican $$*

“Did you just blackmail the pope”
*🤷🏻‍♂️ $$

Is 1:34 PM we’re stepping out for a part of a cigarette while that garlic bread gets toasty $

It is literally perfect outside again
Little windy here though $

It’s a lot quieter compared to that other night 
But you can still hear some shit croaking and some things buzzing $

And literally as I say that,
 a big ass green locust comes buzzing and banging against the side of the house $

Locust being a grasshopper $

Kind of funny how my thoughts when I stepped outside were about how this is a lot like going to war $

Like the feeling I have is so fucking familiar $

And when you look at all this shit popping off in the world, the real philosophical war is just about to kick off $$

We got AI and pedophiles and war mongers on one side $$

We got gym rats, recovery heads, and X blue collar workers on the other $$*

Sales counts as blue-collar by the way $$*

Real sales 
I’m not talking about that high up pricey relationship building shit
I’m talking about in the trenches kind of stuff $$$

The salesman that usually sell the appointments for the actual blue collar peeps.. $

Also gonna make some scrambled eggs to go with this bread $

Which I will not lie, is a pretty aggressive amount
It’s about equal to a full-size hoagie bout anywhere you go $

So basically the world‘s best training fuel $

That was delicious $

And we’re gonna find out for sure if that bread is poisonous or not
In probably about 15 minutes $$

My hypothesis is,
that it is not the bread, but the carbs
And yes, I am aware that I am most likely being naïve $$

I’m also going to snitch on myself.. $

Further evidence that I’m an ancient old white dude is my reaction anytime I bump into someone.. $$

“Oh Woopsie, so sorry” 🤭
And then I’ll do that weird awkward giggle shuffle laugh $$

And then 13 seconds later, 
I’m crucifying myself lol $$*

I’m kidding and not kidding when I keep saying this,
But frfr I can tell I was a pirate in the previous life by the shape of my shadow $$

I really do think that it’s probably been three or 400 years since I’ve had long hair like this $

And when you think about it,
Your own shadow is most likely your most ancient memory $$*

And recurring 
for obvious reasons $

Cause the shape of your face can change, but the shape of your physique likely remains nearly the same for many lifetimes $

So I can tell I had long hair and used to wear a beanie of sorts all the time $

Or maybe a headband $

Maybe a lot like my Jolly Rogers skull on my left shoulder tattoo.. $

Which is so fucking crazy $

My first tattoo was the angel on my right shoulder
And then for the next couple weeks and months, I would get some supporting detail around it such as,
the broken clock 
and the heavenly Gates 
and the street sign 
and my maternal grandmother’s memorial brick walkway.. $

And then sometime along that period I got the idea for the chest tattoo $

Which is a ship in a storm lol $

And then I think it was actually a full year before I got the dark gateway on my left arm
But That bitch took 11 hours by itself $

And it’s so fucking sick. I can’t get over it. $

Anyway, it’s about 72 hours give or take of tattoo work lol $$

All when I was between 18 and 19 years old
Or I guess technically the last might’ve been my 20th birthday $

But this was before I would officially really go down that dark walkway you could say $

You gotta do seven years of both 
That’s for sure $$

And I can honestly say, 
seven years ago this time would’ve been peak fuck boy phase $$

cuz man,
I would look like I was straight off the golf course any given moment $

It was a running joke with my friends $

But I mean, I was literally in real estate and hanging out at coffee shops & church basements 
so you could say I’d fully adapted to the South Charlotte environment $

And I really wasn’t all that depressed mostly because I was very comfortable and had a lot of different things to do $

And on paper, everything really was kind of perfect for what you could reasonably expect for a suburban shithead $

I was training every day,
 sometimes twice $

And if you were following me around with the camera even then, 
I’d still be comfortable with the world seeing my workouts $$

They were just pretty generic and basic $

But I was 160 and could rep 225/315/405 so that counts for something
Oh, and I could run a 5K and under 25 minutes (during peak FB phase) $

Which are still amateur numbers at best but still $

I don’t even really remember my original point lol $

It is 2:06 AM and I’m finishing up the second half of the cigarette $

And the movie isn’t that bad, 
but it is kind of slow
And it’s like 2 1/2 hours $

Lol well fuck me I think it’s gonna be storming when I wake up
Or at least super shitty $

So I guess we’re not gonna force it because it’s still technically before the official start of strength season $

Which means we’re probably gonna have one of the greatest chest and shoulder tricep sessions of all time $

And that garlic bread is gonna be a one-way ticket to pump city 🌆 $$

I’m so excited 
I almost wanna go right now $

Which actually I might have to seriously consider soon because if I want to do some unobstructed filming, I’m gonna have to sneak in in the middle of the night $$

Which is a technique I’m quite familiar with lol $

Oh fuck it 
I think I’m gonna go ahead and lay back down and probably drift off to sleep. 
Thanks to the Carb coma coming on. $

Is 5:52 AM we get up a little bit $
(???)

It is now 6:17 AM and time to idle in bed and listen to political shit lol $

Now is a good time for Trump supporters to demonstrate how to clean egg off their face without being baby back bitches about it $$$***
and admit when they were wrong and to set a good example $$$***

So that way anyone on the crazy left doesn’t have an excuse next time they want to marry themselves within insanity & go down with the ship 🚢 $$$***

It’s actually reassuring to see so many people turn bait and admit they’re getting what they did not want 
and they’re starting to make a stand $$$

Unlike those who just kind of promoted chopping kids dicks off for four years.. $$$

Then go and wine about vaccine status without ever actually doing anything for their health.. $$$*

Reminder that if your identity is your political opinion, 
then you’re already a fool
Doesn’t matter how accurate you think you are on “policy” $$$***

Which isn’t even the end of the world,
But
If you don’t know, you’re a fool & you’re really in trouble $

I guess to clean up when I’m trying to say a little bit,
It’s actually more reassuring watching how many people are willing to walk back and make a stand to try to limit unnecessary violence for war $$$

Because for so long, 
most people were just content with lying to themselves and everyone around them at the expense of their own children for sexual “freedoms“ $$$***

So anyone wanting to go around taking a victory lap,
trying to dunk on people,
It’s not very difficult TQ to remind them their actual place $$

And the fact that anyone actually feels the need to dunk on someone,
 is already sickened to the core $$

And the greatest gift of all of this shit is exposing those who do not have any kind of handle on their emotional natures $$*

And would rather throw their neighbor and relationships away just to be correct out of virtue $$$

Instead of being a little uncomfortable but humble $$$

It is most unhealthy to be in a position to fear what you cannot control
Because if you are afraid of what you can’t control, then you are going to have a very rough day of it $$

And few things scare some people more than their own responsibilities $$****

But if you’re nervous about getting hit by a car or something, that’s very reasonable $$

Also,
never accept criticism or complaints from those who cannot overcome their own writers block $$****

Or from anyone who’s never created anything for that matter $$$

Look them directly in the eye,
And Just laugh 👁️ $$*

It seems like most people around us would rather fight their neighbors than go actually fight the war $$*

I really think this is the kind of shit that happens when we spend too much time around people.. $$

I really think that we were created to spend most of our time in small group groups, around animals and nature $$

And not really hoarded up in giant boxes and competing with other giant boxes $$*

It is 9:09 AM and we are on the way to the gym $

As I was idling in bed, I was wondering why my head was almost hurting a little bit $

And then I looked outside and I saw that my car was almost green now thanks to the pollen $

Which is pretty funny $

I know I was talking shit about not really getting messed up by allergies too much
But this will be an interesting time to see and find out if that theory is true or if I was just getting lucky 🍀 $

(LOL currently a mouth breather thanks to allergies)

It is pretty crazy though how much has happened overnight because there wasn’t this much green around yesterday $

Definitely not on my car $

But hell, my shit looks the worst. 
It’s probably because I park it next to a little Cove. $

It is 11:28 AM
We had an amazing hypertrophy isolation, chest, shoulders and triceps session
We are gonna go head back home because it is now rainy, and cold $

And I’m not upset because I can literally feel my head clearing up from the pollen $

I swear, 
dashing from Chick-fil-A on a Thursday or Friday during lunchtime is its own resistance and mobility game $$$*

I also swear that for some reason, people in mint Hill have it out against street signs $$

Cause there’s always some that have been yeeted on the ground $$

Everybody loves attention, 
but nobody more than Car fags $$$*

I said it $$

Just about every problem I’ve ever had has been an issue with patience $$

You’ll know when you truly mastered something because everything else in life gets super weird right afterwards $$*

I will confess that the amount of times that I meow when I arrive back at home is probably excessive $$

Especially in the middle of the day when Alex is asleep anyway.. $

But I apologize for nothing $$

My creativity really shows how strong it truly is whenever it comes time to come up with how something can go wrong $$

Further evidence that I was a pilot in a past life.. $$

You’d think the treadmill bout the most depressing place on earth 
based on everyone’s demeanor $$*

Biggest pet peeve-
People who expect others to do the work for them $$*

It is 6:39 PM and we just did some light cardio at the gym and a dash for ourselves from Aldi’s
We have 5 pounds jasmine rice
5 1/2 pounds Ish ground beef 73 27
6+ pounds of chicken breast
Two cans of black beans
One can of diced tomatoes with chilies
24 pack of bottled water
And 2 gallons
Oh, and three boxes of graham crackers and a new salt grinder
And six boxes of electrolytes lol $

Attention equals energy
Always $$*

It is 7:46 PM
And I think we just had our “final” major breakthrough with the resistance games
It has to do with the alignment of the format and the aesthetic $

Just noting a loud ass plane flying low overhead as I step out for the cigarette as I write this $

I know this is a quick side tangent, 
but right when I first had my shit split by mushroom, 
I started looking into synchronicity & I could swear that every single time I had an important thought, 
either a bird or a plane was flying over my head $

And I just thought that was some funny “woo woo shit”
like a mental trick to keep me engaged and motivated, 
and not wanting to die.. $$

This is four years ago and since then? I can only attest to its accuracy lol $$

But I still have a couple last-minute movement edits to make, 
but once that’s done, 
then it gets down to filming and sneaking back into gyms lol $$

Also noting for the record that voice to text has finally stopped saying Jim instead of gym
Mostly… $

Most importantly, though, 
I finally feel like I’m getting back to my old rhythm as far as not having to think about everything every five seconds $

Which I’ve said a lot on many other days,
But the intervals of high functioning are lasting longer $

I also haven’t gotten on the scale recently, but I can tell I’m actually getting bigger frame wise $

Which is really cool and perfect timing for strength season $

It’s supposed to be pretty cold tonight too
It’s gonna get down into the mid 30s $

Which, even though it was pretty mild today, I can tell that I am still got my winter fat because I barely even noticed the cold and did not have to do all the dramatic transitioning to warm up like I’ve been doing $

And it’s easy to forget the extra 1500 cal I needed every day just to stay warm when it was literally freezing every day.. $

I forget that most nights were at least low 30s but often in the 20s
And I swear, we had more nights in the teens this year than any $

BRB, I’m gonna look it up $

That is so funny 
I was 100% right $$

It was a historic cold winter
On pretty much every account,
that snow was pretty crazy,
 we got a full foot plus $

And my furnace was bipolar as fuck literally $

I survived with a shit load of layers and alternating three space heaters lol $

I might go ahead and smoke this whole cigarette because of the feeling of relief that I have $

I won’t actually specify the final change, 
but it was laughably simple $$

And yet it’s like the final puzzle piece. 🧩 $

Everything is snapping into place and I’m not even having to touch it. $$

I also am noting for the record my lack of hunger $

I mean, I thought I would be ravenous by now $

I left the gym over an hour ago and the grocery store $

My theory is that I got the run dialed perfect and I basically turned on my energy conversion pathways and they’re running in the background right now $

I also felt very clear and much more settled than when I sat down to work versus earlier in the afternoon when I was extremely restless $

I’ve had one gain bowl and one sleeve of crackers
And a good handful of electrolytes $

I forgot to get more tea
I just realized $

And I’ve had probably equal to four shots of squirt $

It is no coincidence that April fools day & Good Friday & Easter are all within the same seven day cycle this year $$*

It is 9:09 PM and I think we’re gonna finish that cigarette 🚬 $

We just had a really big gain bowl
Technically, it was two bowls
First one had beans though,
Second one had butter,
Otherwise, 
they were rice beef, and some of those tomatoes with chilis in in it
Which is basically like the mild salsa, chipotle $

And I gotta say,
I mean these bowls are fucking restaurant status
I probably could get away with adding just a little bit of seasoning and really take it to the next level $

Dead ass though,
 when I reopen for personal training clients, then I will probably offer gain bowls as part of the 101 training $

Because that would be incredible
And that’s what I would want if I was a client $

So this is obviously some kind of side plug
Cause by the time you’re reading this, I may be promoting that $

But if you don’t hear anything then, sorry $

That is if you’re actually interested $

But eventually, 
when muscles and movements is a public free gym, then you’ll be able to get all kinds of good food
Bowls and berries and such
In the same place $

And explore just about every different type of movement
Without having to go get shiested $

It was so hard to write that last word $

More evidence that I’m getting bigger in the best ways is my snuggle is slightly more lifted off the ground $

And I’m about to bust my flannels again $

I actually noticed I did already rip my red flannel by the elbow $

Nothing too serious, but it is official $

I really have no aesthetic goals
I’m just eating and training for fun and function $

But if my body resorts back to the mass monster self that it used to be,
And if I can stay around 7%,
Then that will be some pretty epic shit $

I think this calls for some berries $

I mean, it really doesn’t get much better than this $

Now I will say for the record in defense of the sludge,
Whenever it does work,
 it really is the most balanced and keeps you the most honest $

And it has a lot of sleep benefits that I think are mostly from the other alkaloids $

Cause the seven hydroxy actually, if anything, might interfere with sleep $

But again for the nervous Nancys out there- $

I do less of the seven than I do of the sludge $

And I do less of everything than I did last year by far by far
Cause I was basically triple my current Kratom intake 
and with 60 mg of Adderall 
and probably 500 mg of caffeine at least.. $

The year before that,
My Kratom use was probably double
But obviously no amphetamines,
Caffeine was flat, 
but I was also training so much that it was basically irrelevant $

& Year before that about the same lol $

Cannabis use has gone down slightly overall in past four years $

“What you doing what you doing?”
Me to Alex cause he’s Wylin
Like seeing ghost and shit $

I think spirits can fuck with pets because basically they’re not ruined by the revelation $$**

If some spirits could straight up come out and fuck with you,
Like most of the profane expect in order to believe in them,
That information will change you somehow in a way that will interfere with what you are here to learn and accomplish $$**

Basically, 
it’s like when people expect God to do the work for them $

It’s kind of funny, but I also kind of hate it for him that I have vinyl plank flooring, 
so Alex can’t really get too much traction whenever he does his sprints $

But right now he’s definitely acting wild
Unless he’s just imagining some shit, he’s literally acting like he’s playing with a fucking pixie or a fairy 🧚 $

Which is not abnormal behavior
But still kind of strange $

Cause he’ll stop and watch something and then it’s almost like he’s chasing something else $

It’s All good tho $

But seriously, 
I challenge anyone with an open mind & a little bit of patience,
Just sit and do nothing for as long as you possibly can $$

But with good intentions 
and being in a good mood 
and being inviting and shit like that,
And then you’ll probably notice some weird shit $$

A Slight tingle maybe a twitch,
Something like a muscle spasm,
You might hear a little knock or a dink that you might originally attribute to the temperature change in the other room, 
but if you pay attention to the timing of it, 
it kind of seems like a message.. $$

You might have strange, random thoughts that by themselves might be meaningless, but then once you become aware that you’ve been distracted, 
it is at that moment when your awareness returns that you experience some strange synchronicity and then you realize that you were really just being distracted for a reason $$

And if you go about your day, excepting every bit of stimuli that reaches your senses as an intentional Devine timing, 
then you’ll likely start seeing shit radically different $$

Because I would argue for most people God still communicates best through other people, 
and I just think that if we paid very close attention, 
we might be able to actually record when and where these subtle states of consciousness emerge $

More good news is it is 9:26 PM and I can tell my body is ready to go to sleep again
This is great for consistency sake $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-13-26

313

Oh shit $

It’s another one of them super cool days $

I feel like they are every time I turn around now $

It is 1:29 Am and I’m sure you can guess what we’re up to $

There’s a reason why they call beans the magical fruit though $$

If anything, it’s important just to get up for a few so I can get rid of all this air... 🌬️ 

We are watching the final episode of “60 days in”
Season nine I believe $

“Oh my God shut the fuck up you were in for a day.” $

Me reacting to the fugitive show organically $

I did not know voice to text was still listening $

I’m just thinking about how some people are entertainment liabilities if you know what I mean $

Further evidence of reincarnation is how irrationally annoyed I am over the cliché “dumb blonde“ act $

The overly loud attention seeking feminine, is probably something that I loathe the most $$

Further evidence that this is actual hell is that uncomfortable fake ass sincerity that you generally get whenever you meet somebody new $$*

“Oh girl, you look so great”
“Oh thanks, girl, but not as great as you” $

(🤮 )

After they were just talking shit to the camera & the whole world.. $

The real evidence though is again just how triggered I am cause there’s no way to accurately describe my cringe $

I wish it was scripted because then I could give some writers some credit for making me bug the fuck out with all this cringe $$

I don’t know why
I’m literally squirming
It’s not even all that bad if I’m being honest $

I think there’s actually a genuine part of me That’s just a little restless lol
And this just happens to be adding to it $

“I had to spend much more time convincing everybody else not to fight her then she will ever know” $

It is 2:17 AM and time for a cigarette
And 30° weather $

it’s so quiet tonight
Like two or three nights ago was so fucking loud I could barely hear myself type lol $

And now tonight, it’s so silent that I’m having to whisper $

It is pretty chilly
But the fact that I’m not being sent to some kind of biological panic attack reinforces just how much my body has really rebuilt $

And I know at the start of fall & winter I’m always dramatic, but I was so physically depleted on the environmental metabolic adaptation side of things that I’m convinced whenever I would contact the cold,
It was more of a mental stressor than a physical because I could tell the governor part of the energy management system in my brain would just start bitching $

After about three minutes, I’d be warm just like anyone else
But my point is that I had to do it so often and so many times throughout the day that I to become conditioned $

But that conditioning is an actual physical manifestation of an adaptation $

It isn’t purely just an emotional response $

I’m convinced that I have built some kind of biological defense tissue $

And this is a long-winded way of saying that is the same game played with anything else,
Whether it be running or lifting or reading $$

Every movement matters, 
and even if it doesn’t seem like it, there are physical adaptations to every technique $$

Another way of looking at this is,
Think about the micro muscles (and movements) that a musician has to develop $

Which is especially unique because it uses basically the same muscles you do when you exercise $

Compared to painting, for example, which is obviously much more confined $

It’s kind of funny how the older I get it’s like the more I remember how to play music 
and I haven’t touched any physical instrument besides the guitar on my wall in forever $

I really want to learn how to play the drums lol $

And then I can completely drive the neighbors insane $

But actually, I need to just focus on kind of being an electronic Dj so to speak
Cause I gotta work on the dance club elements of muscles and movements $

And the long-term goal is to eventually use my own music for some shareableS $

Need to note for the record that I had a sleeve of crackers, 
but this one was especially special,
I’m convinced that the Food Lion and Aldi both source their crackers from the same facility
But you can tell the difference in batches $

I think Food Lion probably goes through them quicker
And I probably have .. 
 I don’t even know how many boxes by now lol $

I do have a massive pile in my kitchen for the lols $

And I only have a couple of Aldi’s boxes so far but..
I don’t know.. they seem to be a little bit better 🤷🏻‍♂️ $

Yep, see this is my point exactly
It’s been half a cigarette, 
and I’ve already adjusted to the cold
And I do have on the Snuggie, 
but I have on my light workout layers
No longjohns or nothing
And I could be out here for hours $

Is it 7:01 AM and we’re up briefly
I am not sleepy and I slept pretty good for second sleep overall $

I did just take a shot of sludge cause originally I was expecting to go lay back and go right back to sleep $

Right before it even kicks in I gotta say that I feel pretty good that I could go about my whole day $

So I guess we’re gonna wait a little bit and see $

The sun has yet to officially rise $

And even though I feel pretty good, I am pretty sure that I am low on ready fuel $

And this is a spot I’ve been in a lot in the past $

I’m like breakeven right now
So if I try a little bit too hard ,
Like pretty much every other day of my life up until this year,
I’d actually end up with a little bit less energy by the end of the day and I wouldn’t really have recovered much $

Doesn’t mean I won’t learn anything, but it is counterproductive at a certain point without enough energy $

I’m also not hungry at all $

There is a chance that yesterday triggered my body to convert a bunch of stored energy from fat
Which is why I feel so good and so balanced $

But again, 
if I get too greedy and I start going all
Out with the back hypertrophy workout,
When it’s already a little crispy from just supporting chest yesterday,
Then might end up going backwards $

I feel like I would feel more confident if I was hungry enough to eat some crackers and then go $

Also, just thinking about how for pretty much my adult life my body has two different states..
Minimum 3000 cal a day “mass monster”
Or can survive on 1600 cal a day “Shreddy Krueger” $

The goal is obviously just split the difference at this point $

This is kind of what I’m talking about..
My back is very crispy
The support muscles mostly $

Which could mean one of two things..
Either a,
they could benefit from an actual hypertrophy workout because I’m not actually gonna be needing them when I activate the big lever muscles,

Or b,
I actually am much more sore than I realize physically because I’m so used to pushing myself to the brink that my body could be in that weird trauma go mode in which I somehow end up back at option a but likely with some kind of energy crash within the next three days $

Just thinking how some people might read that and start bugging out
But when I start talking about energy crashes, 
I’m just really talking about resorting to a state that most people currently exist in $

And also side trigger,
Most people love to romanticize other people’s failure to justify the fact that they never even tried $$*****

Most are so afraid of a little bit of discomfort that they’re gonna exaggerate pretty much any thing that goes wrong 
just for the self validation dopamine $$****

I’m gonna show the world how easy it is to get high on your own bullshit supply $$*

without ever even touching a chemical substance.. $

Thereby proving philosophy is by far the most powerful 
regarding mind and mood altering potential $$

You know,
 I didn’t even realize what I’m doing right now is probably the hardest part about this entire process 
and yet at 7 AM on a Friday, without even thinking twice, this has become another joke to me $

Being able to write that is $

(& to be able get up and moving and enjoy it)

Simply sitting down and putting thoughts on some kind of “paper” $

And enjoying it $

And being consistent as fuck with it $

If there’s one thing I am in this life it is consistent $

Even if it’s consistently joking about how fucked everything is 
and how strange my biological machine is sometimes $

There was a period last week where I found myself getting a bit discouraged $

It was founded in some kind of self-consciousness around other people’s opinions 
and judgment of whatever they may think all of this is $

But that means means I forgot the entire point of this,
And just how much benefit it really has from an operational perspective when dealing with others 
But more importantly, dealing with myself $

I know motherfuckers are reading it, 
but the best part is they keep it a secret as if to pretend
Like I don’t know who’s who.. lol $

As if I don’t know that I could say one thing, in slight certain way in a conversation, 
and just simply judging by the reaction, I can determine exactly what the person knows $

I can look into a strangers eyes & in point three seconds i can understand if they actually “know me” or not $

Thanks to social media $

And I keep warning the world that what you see isn’t even 30% of what I’ve been working on.. $

(The sloppy 30 too.. )

And I’m not intending to build up the resistance games as something super special.
Actually, 
my point is the opposite,
It’s so painfully simple 
& that is what I most proud of $$$

And you’re not gonna find another way to organize 364 + different movements without it becoming to sciencey
Or too uptight from the artistic perspective $

I’m also warning everybody that when I say resistance games, I’m not just talking about a digital training deck.. $

Maybe some people will get it
Maybe some people already do $

Lift ~ learn ~ laugh $$

That about sums it up $

Now that things are really starting to turn the corner and this new cycle is about to start, It’s pretty remarkable how much my perspective is shifting. $

This is gonna be hard to articulate,
I’m not claiming to have had some kind of genius upgrade intellectually speaking, $

I truly am beginning to think more and more pretty much every single thought I have every day is equivalent of a spiritual download based on nothing more than timing ⏱️ $

Meaning,
Pretty much for the past couple years, I have put so much pressure on myself every day to finish as much as I can,
That it usually ends up going in the same pattern..
I wake up with a lot of stress energy and anxiety,
I overcome it and get to work,
I feel better within 30 minutes and end up getting a lot done usually within three hours $$

But whenever I push past three hours, usually the creative work starts turning to shit and ends up doing more harm than good
At least at first $

But guess what I’m trying to say is that I think there’s a small window for growth every day
And I think that energy is naturally supplied by nature $

Either building or burning $$

But we confuse the two based off our own plans and expectations, 
and then end up having to bio hack our way into productivity $$*

Talking bout how like everything else in nature grows $

So creatively speaking, I think art is much the same
Any true art modeled after nature that is $

So I think timing is a big reason for my recovery,
 physically and mentally $$

No matter how many supplements and how hard I train and how well I sleep or don’t sleep, 
it doesn’t really mean shit in the grand scheme of time $$

See, I fucking knew it..
Charlotte always thinks it’s so slick
Give us a couple warm weeks early March
Sometimes even February,
Then get below freezing again for a few days 
Just for the lolz $

So when I say I knew it, I’m really talking about how my body knew. 
It knows Chartowns BS and that’s why it doesn’t want to get rid of It’s winter fat yet. $

That’s another thing I’ve learned,
I’ve always known about Brown fat versus visual fat versus subcutaneous fat and all of that,
But Brown fat, you can’t actually really see 
unless apparently you are so fucking lean, That is all you have. $

Because again,
I have the evidence that prior to this season within the last calendar year, 
I have lost pretty much every ounce of fat you could deem possible $

And given that it was in the middle of the summer, 
I know there was zero brown fat needed to be held onto $

So when it started getting colder and I started eating ungodly amount of cookies, I knew there was a real reason 
and that I wasn’t becoming diabetic lol $

And you know, 
I’ve said a lot on and off the record about guessing how I’ve gained fat and lost fat and all of this $

Which is true 
and that’s kind of what I’m getting back to is that I think I’ve gained around 5 pounds of fat but what I’ve gained is mostly the very healthy brown fat $

Because this year, I’ve obviously been much colder than I ever have and had to force myself to self heat most of the time $

But because it was so warm the last couple weeks I was thinking that maybe my body could go ahead and start stripping it off $

You know, that’s why I’m buying so much of the electrolytes.. $

So my theory is,
It’s a bit of both,
I do think that the fasted, longer muscle focus workouts with both strength and hypertrophy elements are doing good for my metabolism and metabolic functioning $

Which is allowing me to convert any type of fueling fat that I have on standby $

Just pausing for the record at 7:30 AM
I’ve got a pretty good buzz from both the Kratom and the cannabis
Hence the rambles hehe
But I’m also getting a surge of energy and motivation to go to the gym early
And I don’t think it is from the herbs $

So I’m gonna go ahead and start sipping some electrolytes and see if the other part of my brain wants to really get at this $

The gain bowl dinner last night probably was at least 1000 cal
And then I had the crackers last which should be about 600 or so $

And if I really did note yesterday correctly, staying within the lines, 
then it would make sense that I have enough fuel $

I guess what I’m trying to say is the only way I have enough fuel if I actually burned a lot of that yesterday $

I love the electrolytes but the packets love to run defense and make it so fucking hard Just pull them out sometimes $

Real “sands of time” vibes $

Additionally, because my last few workouts have been so heavily hydrated that they also might have been far more appropriate, 
 all of this adds up to essentially what my life mission is about..
Being able to recover on the go $

Cause if you can recover on the go, 
then that is quite literally the key to immortality $$***

I remembered that I told myself I would buy a pre-workout today lol $

I guess, what I’m also trying to say is that I know now that I don’t need it
Mentally
Just a little bit of fueling hydration and a slight bit of caffeine does the trick $

Which puts me in a really good position to actually test out some of these other ingredients in these pre-workouts to see what kind of impact they have $

And also,
The downside of the caffeine squirt,
 is you really don’t know how much caffeine you’re getting each time $

And I swear that when you got a fresh bottle, 
that shit is much stronger than when that bottle is nearly empty $

Which means somehow, the proportioned distribution of the milligrams and molecules and all that bullshit, is off $

And getting back to my point that I do feel pretty lean today
& i feel big as fuck and strong too $

And on back days, they really can go either way $

Now I’m just thinking,
I rarely ever have a Kratom buzz before training
At least for the past 18 months or so $

Now I will say that Kratom goes amazing on the trail
But for lifting, it chills me out too much $

Which generally puts me in a slower goer gear anyway.
So I really don’t think I have that many carbs to get a super big pump, but I guess we’ll see $

Also just realized that it’s cold shower day
And I was low-key kind of relieved that the water was warmer this week lol $

Also, we have Fall Out Boy “sugar we’re going down” playing $

I am going to do a little test
I’m going to hold hold the kettlebell for a few $

Yep see, there we go 
that was laughably light $

So that is a really good sign that I am recovered and fuel $

Recapping that all systems seem to say go $

So it’s time to start the other ritual,
Putting the clothes in the dryer lol $

Also noting that my furnace is working and it hasn’t had to be on for weeks really
So that’s suspicious $

Well, looks like I got to hold on for a second and defrost my fucking windshield $

Yesterday, I almost had to scrape the pollen off of it $

What the fuck?!
Lol $

Most good people struggle with telling the truth with themselves
So sometimes it helps thinking about what would you tell somebody else who is in your position $

Emphasis on being a good person though because if you’re a shit bird, 
then that’s gonna backfire $

Friendly reminder that the biggest problem with rockets is always fueling $$

I think the worst state of consciousness to be in is probably the “spoiled child who is too far gone” $$*

And there’s only one way to prevent a spoiled child.. $$

I’d be willing to bet that all pleasure comes from some kind of pain
It’s just a matter of who’s 
and who’s super fucked up or not $

Always great when you get to watch an amateur torture an activist $$*
 
Looky Lu’s be like…. (Skit) $**

Holy fucking smokes Batman
This pump is insane
And I am not very caffeinated 
But I am very hydrated $

Doing cable cleans at PF without setting off the lunk must be HOF shit $$*

All factors equal, always choose the new one $$

New always equals double energy bonus $$*

It is 12:54 PM and I get to go deliver pizzas to my old doctors office lol $

The Same place that I’ve set a personal dash record at already when delivering a full load of Mexican food a couple weeks ago..
So that’s pretty cool $

Funny timing though because right when I finalized a major piece for the TRG,
 is when I got the offer
 so perfect time for a break $

Got a “to go stash” of crackers with me just in case the carb monster wants to show up $$

Rituals seem dumb and stupid until you realize that every time you move a muscle, you change your thought, 
and that movement is the ultimate expression of intent $$***

Bro 
So cool
The manager at Pizza Hut is adding me to the “preferred dasher” list 
If that even results in a couple more deliveries each day that’ll be incredible $

(lol been a week and I wouldn’t be able to tell a difference but no biggie)

Also, just thinking about how much of a mobility exercise this really is $

T**
^manager name $

The Carb monster has arrived lol
1:10pm $

Duuuudddeeeee 
the community center is nice af
Even have a full cable set up $

Fitness is the one art that can backfire
Because if you try doing too much too fast & get hurt, 
then that can send you down the complete opposite direction $$

It requires far more patience than anything else $$

And if you don’t do it backwards from a planning and programming perspective, then you’re just fooling yourself $

My toxic trait is I think I can be the best at anything 
If you just give me a little bit of time to train for it.. $

Is 3:16 PM we’re finishing up an amazing gain bowl

It is 4:14 PM and we’re doing some reading
I’m not sure if I updated the first gain bowl
But just recapping the diet 
So there’s two bowls 
one would be one with eggs 
and then one sleeve of crackers $

And so far, so good energy wise, and all of that
I am no longer as antsy $

I know what I literally just said, but less than 10 minutes later I’m now getting a good bit of energy 
and thinking about going back to the gym to do some shit on the rower.. $

I know this is random as fuck, 
but I just felt like I need to note that my body odor has significantly declined ever since I let go of all the family trauma bullshit.. $

I’m not saying I’m without any smelly smells $

But it is a far different kind of stress pheromone
Or lack of now $

Reminds me of my first gi
And how it’ll permanently smell like white belt anxiety lol $$*

That spiritual shit goes out the window real quick whenever you get behind a city bus $$*

Hell, even a school bus for that matter $

If you ever do anything sketch in near a school bus, 
they’ll probably just give you life in prison
Meanwhile, 
it’s like people are actively incentivizing the public to hit the pedestrians that get out of a city bus $$*

From earlier-
Met a cool old dude at McDonald’s while waiting for an order named Dr. Raphael
Older gentleman, who apparently had served in the military.
Kind of a weird interaction and he was a little handy 
literally $

Got posted on another pad $

The same people with the “ I love Jesus” bumper sticker will cut you off just as fast as any atheist $$***

More evidence that I’m an ancient ass spirit,
Every time I see a deer or a rabbit,
The voice in my head goes…
 “OK give me the gun” $$**

I’m looking at a rabbit in my backyard right now 
as he is looking at me
Uh oh, now, Alex sees him.. $

It’s kind of funny because Alex is just basically a murder bunny $

He’s like if a bunny went to the dark side for a couple million years 🐰 $

I’m taking notes where this motherfucker goes cause I know Easter is around the corner and I’m gonna be looking for them eggs $$

I wonder if the group of girls staring at me at the gym for a while has read my notepad or not.. 🙈 $

Just the thought of suspicion that went through my head $

My heart goes out to the poor newbie Dashers that are about to get their first 20 mile order..
across town…
for five bucks…. $

There is simply a level of comfort and confidence that you get when eve trained assassins cannot strangle you easily.. $$****

Doesn’t even matter how good your offense is,
You’re never gonna be afraid of going hand to hand with an untrained stranger again $$*

It is 6:50 PM and we are back from the gym after some nice balance work and 30 minutes on the rower $

Shocking how easy it is
On easy mode, of course $

But making a point how within the last calendar year, 
at one point it was hard just to even walk around the house $

Or even complete my walk down the street $

It scares me how many men are so quickly willing to hop onto TRT at the expense of literally their own balls $$$****

What happens if you suddenly can’t get your TRT? $$$

Because if you think drug withdrawal is bad, just wait until your hormones are completely fucked $$$****

Also, not sure if you know this reader, 
but apparently we were bred by the Anunnaki to be a slave race $$

The fact that voice to text got on anunnaki right on the first shot is evidence $

It is 8:31 PM and we are stepping out for a little cigarette
There is much warmer than I thought it was gonna be $

I think it’s still supposed to get into the low 40s tonight $

But that’s actually pretty much exactly what to expect this time of year $
 
So fair enough $

I’m making some more of that chicken in a bag
That shit is so good $

I had to run to the lion and get two bags of seasoning
Which are like three bucks apiece
But worth it because you can cook about 2 pounds $

And so that should last me probably two days because I still have probably a pound and a half of ground beef
And about 25 eggs $

And 2 1/2 boxes of graham crackers… $

And probably about a pound and a half of wild blueberries $
 
Oh yeah, for honesty and accountability sake.. $

Remember last week, I said I had 11 tablets of the seven hydroxy
And that it was gonna last me a week.. $

Well, guess what? $

That is exactly what has happened $

and I actually still have a quarter tablet left for tonight lol $

I did buy the sludge the other day, 
but as I’ve noted for the record, 
that shit is negligible $

But I am going to leverage that more this coming week 
and probably take a few days off of the seven hydroxy just for shits and gigs
If nothing else, I’ll learn a bit $

Because for more honesty sake for the most part, I am feeling good enough to wear I don’t really need any supplementation for genuine medical needs. $

Medical needs being the reasonable equivalent of something just to stay motivated and moving $

Obviously, 
I use it mostly because I enjoy it because it makes most things better and enhances my lifestyle and recovery because my activity level is so high $

And I could probably double my use and be well within casual range considering $

But I just don’t really need to,
And soon once I can get some more shrooms back, either growing or in the mail, then we’re really going to be taking this to the next level $

But I just had so much of the grunt, creative work to do that mushrooms really would’ve probably delayed it $

And also, 
I had to do so much daily philosophical trial and testing and shit like that
That if I would’ve had too much of the psychedelics, it probably would’ve derailed the logical conclusion $

They can shortcut healing for sure
But you don’t need them $$

And sometimes they even they can become a crutch
So I’m glad I did this the old school way mostly $

Pretty interesting how many low flying planes we got right now $

Surely no coincidence $

Oh shit guess what I just found
New documentary on Netflix..
Or maybe it’s not even new and I’m just late
“Inside the manosphere” $

That’s gonna be a good one for the midnight movies
I know I’m gonna go on fucking Hella tangent $

It’s funny how little hunger I have right now $

I know what I just said, 
but I actually am proud of myself because I just ate at least half a pound of chicken
And I’m having a glass of blueberries to go with it $

The fact that I don’t want any carbs at all is evidence that I have once again successfully cut on my metabolic system at the gym
Cause I still feel clear and clean energy $

And like I just said, I wasn’t actually hungry
But once the chicken was there, it was easy to eat enough to support my recovery $

Just more and more evidence that my body is finally getting back in rhythm and the healthy things are no longer difficult $

Bittersweet victories, lol $

Well, it’s 9:03 PM. I think I’m gonna go ahead and go to first sleep.
It’s actually good though, because more evidence that my rhythm is returning $

At 10:33 PM 
 half asleep I got up to go pee and ended up eating a thing of crackers $

(lol classic)

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-14-26

314

Hard to believe it’s here $

It is pie day $

It is also cold in the house $
 
I am also a little restless, 
probably because of the carbs $

That was a funny trick the carb monster pulled last minute $

We’re also I’m gonna try this documentary on “the manoshpere” $

Stating by focusing on the influencer
That I’ve never heard of,
Called “HS Tiki Tocky”
Or some shit like that $

(Who may be king of the dark side of bitchassness)

But for a minute there, I thought this was a documentary on clown College $

And not the funny kind either $

This dude might be one of the most retarded variants of the male species $$

I was right when I said I knew this thing was gonna trigger the fuck out of me $

The kind of anger I feel watching people like this,
It’s why he’s making money $

Because the level of disgust I feel it is almost hard to look away from $

I was gonna say you don’t see people like this often so you might want to take some good notes,
But I had to erase it because then I realized that actually this movement is a cancer and is sadly growing $

And the people that follow this shit are the exact problem $$

And I’m really not all that worried about him because they’re about to get trolled beyond Measure $

Everything I’m saying also applies to the female equivalent of whoever is doing only fans $$

If you think it’s cool to do that shit and have healthy relationships like it’s not gonna have any impact, then just don’t even bother talking to me $$$

It just makes me sick man $

I can’t even requote this shit lol $

It’s just so fucking ridiculous $

I mean, these are the people who are first in line for hell $$

They’re first in line because they’re the ones who are primarily building it $$

Everybody else who is going to hell is actively too busy destroying themselves $

But these fuckers seem to take it personal when people don’t listen to them $$

The real issue is, 
they hijacked all the most common and effective sales techniques and are unleashing them on younger and younger men 
who are all too eager to take the easy way if it means, they just simply don’t have to be “lame“ $$

I mean, this movement really is just made up of a bunch of baby back bitches who got slighted one day $$***

This whole red pill shit is actually founded on some unfortunate truths,
But these truths are just part of what comes with the responsibility of being a man $$

It doesn’t mean you take it and you turn it into a self seeking movement just because you want to get laid more $$$***

That is not how you solve the problem $$

The valid claims from the red pill community, generally revolve around children and men’s rights within the legal parenting system $$

They also claim that because men do all of the dirty jobs and end up dying the most, that they are “expendable” $$

Completely ignoring the fact that they are privileged to be able to do those jobs to begin with $$****

Completely ignoring the fact that service in silence is the most important thing to spiritual development because they don’t even believe in the spirit really $$

They actually genuinely believe they are some kind of advanced monkey $$*

I mean, that’s really what super atheism comes down to $$

And it’s a very convenient claim if you don’t wanna do any actual work on yourself $$

To be clear,
The red pill movement is just radicalized and imbalanced like most others $$

Mostly ruining any valid claim they have $$

As it relates to this documentary,
It just makes it worse though how many women are willing to go along with this because of low self-esteem $$

And the other sad reality is nearly half of men are doing sick shit like this, 
The other half is too sad and weak and depressed to do anything about it. $$$****

They’re just too worried about just making it through work tomorrow $$

Which is a Saturday $

Most good men I’ve met have never seen a Ferrari in the flesh
But have experienced more love than all of these parasites combined $$**

Also there are many dudes like this who are actually very high up in the government, 
Which is why true power lies beyond governments reach
& is the reason why most of this alien UAP shit is classified $$

This is also why a lot of the religious shit is written all funky $$

It’s people like this who aren’t willing to do the work to understand the bigger stuff, 
You know like geometry and astrology 
and instead would rather just put their own personal pleasures in front of any actual uncertainty $$

Also, it makes my soul sad that this is going down mostly in Miami $

“Fucking dude’s ruining my city” 🏙️ $

That just rolls off the tongue.. $

Something some angry old alcoholic pilot boat captain would say.. $$

The thoughts in my head when watching this shit just reinforce how human I really am $

And reminds me how anyone’s capable of evil because this makes me wanna do some violent shit $

We are officially halfway through
And I gotta say I’m glad I’m watching it because it is such a reminder why I’m doing this shit
And how grateful I am to my mom for not doing any weird shit $

Cause again,
 the fucked up part about all of this is their original claims actually do have some weight $

Like,
and this is probably gonna sound a little spicy, $

(I stepped out for a cigarette at 2:24 AM) $

But they’re talking about the “female delusion”
And how most women do not understand the standards that they set for themselves $$

Meaning someone will require a 6 foot fit dude 
of a certain race 
who makes 300,000+ a year or some shit and 
think that that is a common catch $$

And that they want somebody like that “all to themselves” $$

But to find somebody like that, you’re talking less than 1% of one percent $$

So on one hand that is true,
And that is a valid issue with part of the dating for many women and men alike $$

Because the men who don’t qualify, just get more angry and more resentful
And more radical $$

And meanwhile, 
their claim is women are not bringing much of value to the table $$

And if all of they’re doing is only fans,
 than they are correct $$*

And I don’t care what anyone says, there is some ancient spiritual shit about body count $$*

There’s a reason why it’s not ideal for really anyone to have a high body count $$

(Or be proud of it alteast)

But it doesn’t take a genius to explain why most men justify it $$

& again it’s about balance.. $$

Cuz balance takes work, 
I guess $

In Other news
I almost wish I was hungrier ,
It’s supposed to be legs in a few hours $

I think I can hear some deer running in the woods $

Sounds like a bunch of them $

But yeah, 
AnyWho, 
this is the kind of shit that aliens are concerned about $$

That’s why they don’t talk to people $$*

They employ other unique tactics and techniques that the profane will never understand $$*
 
I think what bothers me most though,
 is the impact these clowns are making on Fitness $$

Unfortunately, 
this is what a lot of people think happens when you start getting in shape $$

Unfortunately, 
we also have reached the point the documentary in which the documentary filmmaker is denying an evil “Satan” ruling the world $$

He just lost most of my respect sadly $

 because of how quickly he dismissed it $

How quickly he took it at face value $

How quickly he dropped to the level of the person he was filming $

He did not pause to reflect on the bigger meaning,
Despite literally being on the front lines of capturing its manifestations $

It is 3:44 AM and time to start off another cigarette $

I don’t remember when I bought the last pack, but I am down to three $

I also just had another amazing gain bowl $

I need to highlight for the record just how good I feel immediately after eating it
When it’s high in fat $

This bowl was beef, butter, beans, rice, and a little bit of that salsa 💃 $

Which is so damn good $

I did take a sludge shot right before $

Because I was mostly bored and not sleepy $

It’s important to note because I was about to take it probably an hour ago, 
but then even as I was about to pour it, 
I stopped myself and was like “not right now“ $

Because I was like “I think I’m just gonna go back to bed” $

But the crackers… 
Well, let’s just say they had something to say about it $

And this is why the notepad is so fucking important
Because they’re starting to go to my head again $

(Kinda lol)

And over the past couple years, 
it would’ve been very easy to confuse the carbs with training or sleep deprivation or stress $$

And I can safely rule out the herbal supplements because I’ve maintained those flat and those are the 20% compared to the 80% of metabolic functioning $$

More like dysfunction
But generally, 
I am 100% guilty of using the herbs to mask some of the metabolic misappropriations $$

Meaning when I eat too much candy, then I smoke to chill out sometimes 
and maybe that’s not always the best. $$

So I think the biggest factors are seasonality and my current training volume $

As of now, my body is probably beginning to let go of some of the fat that it needed for the cold
Which is giving me extra energy
And restoring my natural baseline
But because my training has intentionally been a bit of everything, 
it’s been kinda hard to fuel properly with being very limited and precise dietary wise $

So I think sometimes when I get a carb craving, I think I might be overshooting the refuel mark just a bit $

Because I’m not really sitting and resting or meditating as much as I was over the summer $

I’m trying to keep going throughout the day again
But I think I’m just kind of messing up the fueling calculations $

This is overall a good thing though, 
because I should be able to make up the difference quickly by adjusting my training
And now that my fat conversion engine is running faster than my digestion breakdown restoration engine,
 then I should be able to do it smoothly $

And it won’t take too long to get the right prescription for the hypertrophy volume $

That way, I can put any excess carbs to good use $

Also, now that it’s been a couple months of detailed note keeping,
I think actually going to sleep right after you eat a decent meal is probably best $$

Now I’m not trying to shit on walking right afterwards, because that is actually really good to do if you have a big meal during the day $$

But I’m saying, 
I think there’s a reason why the stomach is designed the way it is
Because if you lay on your left side, 
which is known as the recovery position, then I think it allows the food to kind of space out a bit and digest more in the stomach before moving to the lower intestine $$

Basically helping it process a little bit more smoothly $

I think this is mostly for higher fats for somewhat obvious reasons 
as it takes longer to breakdown $

But I think the biggest evidence of this is simply how I naturally want to go to sleep now after eating a big meal $

But this isn’t like that “insulin super sleepys”,
And it’s kind of the opposite of a Carb coma $

This is like a natural circadian rhythm signaling $

And the first four hours of sleep I had were pretty good $

I truly think the crackers were actually the right move but mostly for learning because I think next time I’ll be able to get away with a different snack $

And I’m just reminding myself that historically eating is actually hard hunger, wise, 
cause I’m just never hungry,
I used to just contribute that to stress and anxiety, but I think that actually made me extra adaptive $

And living life under 10% for the past five years is evidence $

It is 8:25 AM and we are getting up and getting ready $

It is 9:17 AM and we are on the way to the gym
We also have a new cut off
So that’s very exciting $

Good TQ by definition has been time tested
Which automatically makes it the most value $$*

Doesn’t beat Saturday morning sunshine, and 67° $$

It is 4:13 PM and we’re gonna go ahead and do a sun walk $

And then we’re gonna do some kind of writing party tonight I think $

The fact that there is now a wasp on my screen door on the inside is not very good sign $

is now 6:35 PM and we have cleaned the garage $

Such a small thing, 
but something like that would’ve taken my emotional energy for the entire afternoon 
5 years ago .. $

Is 8:19 PM
We’ve been working pretty much all afternoon on the cards and the games and all that
And I know I’ve said this a couple times, 
but the aesthetic and the design and all of that really are pretty much final,
I had to do some testing, 
and some experimenting,
 and rearranging of a couple colors to make sure that it can be compounded and extrapolated out without confliction $

And it looks good to go $

So the biggest part about all of this is assuming that it is ready and the thing to do is just kind of duplicate everything out
Then it gets back down to the tedious but mindless work $

But that’s the kind of work that I am a machine with
Especially if I get little dopamine hits from it $

Because that is also the other secret on how I survived my 20s with no mind or mood altering substances,
Just became basically a workaholic lol $$**

And when I wasn’t working, I was always hanging out with people $$

I mean, 
literally every single night for 9 years pretty much $$

The only time that I wouldn’t be with groups of friends or with a friend or two would be as if I was truly working like a full 16 hours that day or something $

Or on some strange date.. $

Or it was by happenstance, 
and I hated every second of it 
& was probably crawling out of my skin begrudgingly. $

Or I was actually super sick (biologically) $

Also strange,
At one point in my early 20s when I was working at the sales center, 
I was getting strep throat often $

I think I had it three times within two years $

And so it was not looking good for my tonsils $

Then this one time,
Oh God, 
I’m just remembering it now,
I don’t know how I overlooked it..
This is probably the most sick I ever actually was in my life $

(Besides that mystery illness on the 39th anniversary of my grandfather’s death…
You know the one that put me in the emergency room that day…) $

AnyWho,
I also have to call this a “mystery throat virus” because that’s what all the Docs called it $

It lasted like four days 
and was so brutal, I could barely even drink water. $

I could barely get out of bed
It was so painful, I actually did get prescribed hydrocodone from my primary care. $

I only got like eight of them so that doesn’t count 
and I took them as prescribed $

But I went to urgent care every day for the first four days to do some kind of test to see what it was,
And it wasn’t strep and it wasn’t mono,
So we don’t really know because it was some kind of virus,
But God,
 it was so bad, I was about to have to go to the hospital
And then I remember watching some trauma ER show and started feeling better lol $

It is 8:32 PM and I think I’m gonna go take a nap $

I am likely gonna take it easy tomorrow at the gym
but God knows I say that all the time lol $

I’m not eating as much as I think
So I guess I’ll find out tomorrow if I’m really making up the difference with bodyfat or not $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-15-26

315

Happy 12:27 AM $

On another major day in my life $

My super fucking strange life.. $

Just looked outside and didn’t see my car at first and had a nice little throwback panic attack to when my car got repo’d lol $

Actually, really surprised
I layed down a little early last night at like 830
Didn’t really think I’d fall asleep $

Didn’t even have dinner cause I wasn’t hungry $

And I slept great and I’m still not that hungry lol $

But yeah, this was originally my “sobriety date” $

And someone just turning in might think I’m the classic nutcase of somebody who has gone off the rocker
Or “fallen off the wagon” $

*Cough cough 
plug for other walls
*cough cough $

We’re actually gonna watch “jobs” $

About Steve Jobs and shit $

And of course there’s a small story attached $

I’m watching on Netflix but I could honestly probably find the DVD that one of my old agents bought me $

It was probably the only movie that I’ve ever received in the flesh $

It was given to me by an old, older sales agent who really appreciated me 
And he gave me a beautiful handwritten card $

He got me the movie because he said that he could see the resemblance apparently.. $

I’ll never forget this guy $

First time I saw him,
 he had a Louis Vuitton backpack
This dude was 66ish years old, & an older African-American gentleman $

He did not like me at first 
and even in our first coaching, we nearly got into a fight lol $

But I’m proud of how I handled it and we walked away from that meeting with a little bit of optimism $

And then he applied the coaching I gave him regardless of his personal feelings $

And we became real good friends once he doubled his paycheck within the first month $

And then we were best buds after he quadrupled it lol $

And anyhow,
I did watch the movie a long time ago once he bought it for me,
Which would’ve been around 2017 $

And I honestly can’t really say the movie was all that great lol
Obviously, not his fault $

So, in his honor, 
we’re at least gonna try again for now $

In other news, my legs are officially crispy $

I also remember getting my first iPod for Christmas when I was in sixth grade,
My life was forever changed lol $

I would not get my first iPhone until I was 24 $

That was an iPhone 8
And I gotta say it was great
Actually, still have the phone
Is right by my keys about 10 feet away from me
I would use this phone as my MP3 player before you could film and listen to music on Bluetooth at the same time $

I think I had an iPhone 11 in the middle is there somewhere $

It’s almost time to get a new phone number $$

And I honestly think I’m at the point to where I don’t have to worry about transferring my contacts lol $

I was thinking about getting a flip phone for a while before I learned how to control my social media usage
Actually, I haven’t thought about it in a while because his phone is strictly for work and the notepad basically $

I know this is random,
But if you haven’t watched “back to the future”
From the perspective of reincarnation leap frog,
Then I challenge you to do so, 
and you’ll pick up on the very subtle cues and inside references $$*

This is evidence that this fact has been known by the world’s greatest artists and philosophers for a long time $$*

And only fools disbelief it at their own expense $$*

But once you start really thinking about it, and if you understand symbolism, 
you’ll begin to see the clues everywhere $$

Especially in older forms of media $

You see,
 we’re 10 minutes and I’m gonna have to bail in the movie $

I’m sorry I tried $

More evidence I’m severely overdue for a mushroom is my “scroll to watch ratio” on Netflix $

Classic “ADHD“ is;
-Having trouble making decisions
-Usually spending more time surveying options than enjoying the selection
-Losing interest quickly, no matter what $$*

I really am getting back to being a old man $

We put on Peaky Blinders
And ended up right back into a big orgy scene 🎬 $

And immediately I’m like
“That’s just gross“ $

Also random reminder for anyone who actually lifts,
You are most likely significantly stronger than any of your ancestors, 
physically speaking $$***

Which is both kind of shitty because they were malnourished and fucked up and real busy and doing another shit $

But also important to keep in mind just in case you start getting some kind of spiritual intellectual interference $

Or you start guilting yourself 

or if some other old ancient motherfucker is making you feel guilty like you ain’t doing nothing good for your family tree $

Cause it’s hard as hell to be jacked these days,
It’s harder today than it’s ever been 
even though the tools make it easier than it’s ever been $$

But if the body is a vehicle and a temple
And if yours happens to be strong,
Then that’s literally like living in a sports car
And most people will never understand what that’s like $$

I am surprised I am this crispy and I am not hungry whatsoever
And I don’t want to jinx it, but I feel very hydrated even though I’m gonna go ahead and crack open some more electrolytes $

I’ve only taken an eighth of a tablet so far
And it is hitting quite perfectly from a tolerance perspective $

But I think I’m gonna go ahead and do a sludge shot because when in doubt, it’s best to alternate $

Now my current dietary and fueling theory is as follows;
If I manage things properly, 
then I should be able to comfortably continue to main-gain in a 500ish cal deficit $

Yes, that’s about it lol $

Washing sludge down with grape electrolytes is very challenging 🍇 $$

I’m not sure if I noted for the record yesterday,
But I think the last thing I’ve had to eat was a sleeve of crackers,
And everything worked out well
It did not go in my head,
And the fact that I actually was able to go to sleep on the earlier side,
On the more comfortable side,
 reinforces this $

Also friendly reminder that anyone who lacks vision, usually does not lack a loud mouth 👄 $$*

The mouth emoji is probably the most disturbing $$

I really wonder how many eggs I have eaten in this calendar year alone $

I mean at one point, it was pretty much nothing but eggs
 plus fuel such as oatmeal or PB&J
But for a few weeks, it was basically nothing other than eggs lol $

Sounds crazy, 
but that’s just like any other adventure, where you’re gonna be eating some weird shit for a couple weeks $

Or like if you’re living anywhere else in the world where you’re eating pretty much just rice and beans
It wasn’t bad $

But I did also prove that you don’t need Jack shit other than eggs to survive $

And I actually felt fine for the most part. I just didn’t have enough extra fuel to train, which is what I really missed. $

But totally worth it to learn how to run on something as simple as that $

It is 1:22 AM and we’re gonna step out for part of a cigarette $

This is kind of weird cause it’s like I want to eat, but I really probably shouldn’t $

And unless something changes, probably in the next 30 or so then I’ll likely go try to go back to bed and then focus on actually trying to take an active recovery day tomorrow $

Which means likely a bigger breakfast and then probably trying to go to the trail $

If I was real religious, then I would take it as a Sabbath and not do any work
But God knows how that goes every time I try $

It’s probably like 60° out here and damn near dead silent $

I guess that’s not true
We got some croaking going on
We got the low roar of the street
We got what sounds like a HVAC
We got the wind in the trees $

But it’s actually pretty remarkable watching how fast these fuckers are blooming $

I can’t believe it took me 30 years to really start appreciating the very small things $

Like I’ve always thought they were cool and pretty and all of that, but I never really took the time to “stop and smell the flowers” $

But this past year, taking in each and every day has changed me more than any other year $

Every other year in my life, was spent on tackling the bigger things 
or trying to run from myself in some existential way apparently $$

Hmmm
 I guess I’m starting to get a little hungry $

Maybe we just need some eggs for old times sake $

They’re so easy to make, 
but yet my subconscious doesn’t like to remember that every time $

I already know I’m gonna be annoyed at myself when I go to edit, 
but I literally just bailed out of making the eggs $

It’s a weird kind of reprieve from hunger $

So we’re gonna try to do a little bit of reading and then probably go back to bed $

When you have a compliance team listening to your every word,
And the words that you tell other people to say,
You really learn the importance of each and every syllable $$

That comes in handy when reading ancient scripture that’s for sure $$

It is 5:41 AM and after some more good sleep, I think we’re gonna do a classic speed smoke and go back to bed $

A true speed smoke is when you basically smoke as much as you can and then go back to sleep $

That was awesome $$

I think I made it about five hits and now I’m stoned like a box of rocks $

What better way to celebrate this day 🪨 $

If you’re thinking “a clear demonstration of control and therapeutic practice”,
Then you would be correct lol $$

Maybe this is what they meant by the whole “walking on water” shit.. $$

It is now 9:31 AM and I think we’re getting up $

It is now 10:53 AM
And a perfect example of why sometimes I forget to report the important stuff,
I’ve been up since my last note and I basically haven’t stopped moving $

I’ve been cleaning 
even completed a couple dashes,
 all without a true existential crisis $

And also it’s been pretty fun 
For as far as basic chores and hygiene, things can be $

But to skip the gym and to do these chores instead, 
and to not be having an unconscious emotional meltdown,
is pretty big deal $

I also have not had any cannabis or Kratom so far but I’m just starting the midmorning buzz now $

I’m dead ass putting trash bags and plastic gloves in the car because I saw another kitty on the side of the road and I just cannot continue on in my soul driving past these without doing anything about it $

I don’t know if you guys have heard the news but apparently there’s a lot of people who are getting clear skin thanks to Bimzelex $$

(Introducing a new TQ: the ironic strickthru)

Apparently, 
their wings were about to get clipped, 
but this pharmaceutical prevented that..
Maybe I should go ahead and ask my doctor about it…
The same doctor that’s in the office that I’ve DoorDashed multiple times to lol… $

On that note,
I’ve delivered fast food to the last two medical care offices that I’ve been a patient at lol $$*

I mean like bro come on lol $

Also, 
I still have not eaten since probably 5 PM yesterday
And I feel phenomenal $

Like this is anti-ADHD $

I would say that book knowledge at the very best, can net you 20% bonus skill wise $$

This is a good and bad thing depending on your perspective $$

Meaning, if all you have is book knowledge then you at the very best may have up to 20% of a skill bonus compared to somebody who’s actually been practicing $$

even if they don’t quite “know as much as you”
They will still be more skilled $$

On the flipside,
If you’re about to do something you’ve never done before,
assuming you studied adequately, 
then you may come into it with a 20% advantage compared to somebody who doesn’t know Jack shit $$

But that still doesn’t mean you’ve developed skill,
that just means you may avoid some of the bigger mistakes & may give you a little bit of a better opportunity to learn $$

And if you study that much ahead of time, that’s a good indication that you’re a smart Cookie 
and probably gonna pick something up quickly anyway… $$

At this point, I am convinced that honorable humans are more divine than divinity $$

because there’s nothing more difficult than giving up your power and doing the right thing anyway $$*

It is 2:01 PM
I had a pretty big gain bowl about 90 minutes ago
Layed down for a lecture & a little nap basically afterwards $

Got up and did a little bit of reading
Started getting super restless as I thought the food was trying to kick in $

But then somehow had a craving for carbs $

So I just had some berries, 
but I’m still craving more lol $

Now recently, I would’ve gone ahead and eaten something 
probably crackers $

But then I think that creates a bigger restlessness issue downstream, 
especially if I’m not training $

Speaking of training…
Part of me wants to go to the gym and hit chest lol $

I don’t think I can resist any longer
The Pre-workout..
The tunes…
The very nice mid afternoon buzz… $

I don’t make the rules,
I just observe them and write about them. $$

It is now 5:02 PM and we are back home after an amazing session $

It’s gonna be interesting to see what we decide to do $

Even if every time you go to create something, 
some spirit hijacks you and technically, does the creating,
you still deserve some credit for sacrificing your time to do that when you could’ve done something different $$*

You know,
 like fucked off like most people.. $$

It is 722 p.m. and we are leaving the lion
Another interesting grocery hall $

This time we got-
12 pack of bottled Bud Light
About 1.31 pounds of ground beef patties
100 bags of black tea
And a new thing of ketchup $

We’ll see how long these beers last
I think the last 12 pack I bought was actually probably either on this day or very close to it last year $

And I ended up pouring out more from that then I probably actually drank..
And it still took me a year lol $

Friendly reminder, 
this is my anniversary… $

So funny $$

But I will confess,
 my main reason for running to Food Lion at 7:30 PM on a Sunday after a nice lovely rain.. 
I needed to get cash back
Because I have to deposit the cash into my other account in order to pay the gas bill lol $

Because I have funds in one account, but not enough
And I had to play with my dashing funds to mix with those in order to finally pay the gas bill $

The good news is I should be able to pay it in full lol $

I also forgot to mention that I got some tater tots
They’re the generic Food Lion brand, but I’m just as excited for them $

And I’m cracking up a beer at 7:33 PM $
 
And I’m finishing the cigarette at 8:04 PM $

I barely made it halfway through the first beer and I can honestly say I have a decent buzz lol $

As another low ass plane flies overhead.. $

Been pretty cool day
It’s like one of them super special days that I guess I’m down playing $

Cause I swear to God, I’m always on some old honorable man shit $

And pretty much the first thought that goes through my head is always wild and crazy as fuck $$

Which I always used to think was my ego &
“ stinking thinking” $

But the older I get and the more inventory I write,
The more I really think that might’ve been like my old spirit self lol $

Which would be bittersweet, 
but it would make a lot of sense as far as karma goes $

Cause half the time I walk around feeling like I’m an angel
Meanwhile, 
I seem to have more fun with the demons lol $$

You know how the FBI likes to get hackers to go after other hackers
Yeah, like that $

But the only way you could get inside the mind of a human is if you’ve had a human experience $$

& There’s only one way to get those 
You gotta walk the path brother $$

And I think that a lot of people that get “led astray by demons” 
are probably people who had high potential and just got fooled by their own lower natures $$

So when they end up in hell, 
they’re gonna be ruled over by Jesus $$

I feel like there might be a bit there
Like comedy wise $

Talking about how Jesus is king of hell $$

Hell being the low realm,
Which is earth $$

Because obviously God is king of everything else $$

But you wouldn’t want the worst demon of all time to be in charge of the other demons would you? $$

I mean, I feel like to some degree that is playing out,
Not to get lost in the particulars,
I’m just saying that regarding the hierarchy, that there’s a reason why Satan and his teammates can’t fuck with the Almighty $

It is 8:46 PM
We’re making some of these patties
Got the tater tots in the oven nearly done and they’re already looking dank as fuck
And we are a third of the way through the second beer
got a delightful buzz
Not just from the alcohol though
Oh man, I’m so grateful $

I am convinced that potatoes were made to be binge eaten $$*

These tater tots are better than most I’ve had in the restaurant
And I got a whole bag for what a restaurant charges for a side $

Considering how I lived on only eating out for like three years, it’s fitting that I’ve had to go back to the other side of things $

Most restaurants figured it out but potatoes, beef, and beer apparently go really well together $

But I intentionally made a massive serving of these tater tots
And now I can’t stop lol $

Maturing in fitness is realizing that vegetable oils are really not all that bad 
but you really should buy organic fruits and veggies whenever you can $$*

It is 9:08 PM and time to start another fresh cigarette
We are officially down to the last two of the pack
Which I of course flipped upside down once I’ve walked down to make them lucky $

So that was at least a half pound of ground beef and probably damn near 10 ounces of tater tots lol $

I’m practicing for when I go out to make friends again $$

Seeing as the resistance games are just about done, maybe I might get lucky socially, and I can have a life outside of this cave lol $

Seems like the bugs are back because it’s loud as shit out here $

And for the record, I’m pouring out the last third of the beer,
Both for the Homies and because I’ve lost interest lol
My alcohol buzz has disappeared right when I ate and my metabolism cut on $

Which is fine, cause I’m getting a little sleepy $

And I just finished “the secret teachings” again for I don’t even know how many times,
Just another nice full circle moments $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-16-26

316

Good morning world $

It is now 2:29 AM $

And I guess that’s as good as time as any to get to the movies $

I slept pretty good
Despite my nose and my sinuses wanting to be a hoe $

You know it’s bad whenever you can feel them sloshing around $

Luckily though,
And I don’t wanna jinx it,
My experience with my sinuses over the past year has been laughably light $

Anyhow, we’re gonna try the movie “worth” $

Which is about the dude who basically had to figure out how to compensate all the families after 911 $

Would not want to be that guy $$

Religion is just an attempt at the highest and best use of consciousness $$$***

Can’t understand highest and best issues if you don’t understand “worse and most unnecessary” though $$$*

And you gotta thank the world‘s religions for figuring out where the big problems lie $$

The easiest way to change the world is simply by changing the way you see it $$*

The easiest way to change other people is to challenge their perspective
Not detonate their paradigm $$*

*Lighter flick $$

I’m not gonna lie,
Once you start digging into the fact that you’re never alone 
and that everything you do is known and watched & all of that,
It Really fucks up masturbation $$

But if only hunger could be relieved in the same technique… $$*

On that note, 
I think there’s two types of fapping $$

The first is more of a biological release,
 just to make sure your hormones don’t get too fucked up and start fucking with your judgment $$

It’s an old-school trick, but it’ll keep you out of the wrong hole $$*

The second is more of an ego activity, attempting to eliminate boredom,
Basically, when you’re fapping as many times as you can in one day.. $$

Done as an occasional experiment…?
 No prob $$

Or as a recreational activity in moderation $$

Lol, kidding kind of $$

But to be doing that regularly,
 is very disturbing $$

Also, porn is probably one of the worst things for your brain $$*

There’s just no way to justify even a little bit of it $$

Beyond using it initially for learning $$

Because I do think everybody should go through a brief porn phase 
just to outgrow it $$

And because there is a part of it that is pretty awesome 
and because you do learn a lot 
and let’s just be honest, there’s an element of normalization that’s required If you don’t want to be a fucking virgin forever. $$

But I would say if you’re in your 30s and you’re still looking at porn, then you’re still a boy $$$

I’m not qualified to speak for females in this field lol $$

It took me until 3:13 AM to realize,
I probably have seen this movie before lol $

It’s been a bit, but this shit is very familiar $

If you want a good example of what not to do in an uncomfortable public setting, 
this guy setting a good example $$

We’re gonna go ahead and step out and try to finish the second half of the cigarette $

Trying to get the mind right $

It is slightly warmer outside than inside
And significantly more humid and wet $$

Kind of weird that I have to flick my orange lighter three times to get it to work, 
but at least it works $$

I need to note for the record that I did get some pretty good sleep
Pretty much from 9 to 2 AM $

And I say a lot that whenever my body is running smoothly,
and my training is dialed in,
and my nutrition is on point,
Usually five hours sleep and I’m good for Up to 36 apparently $$

As long as I have maybe a nappy nap in there $$

That’s mostly for like trail shit $

Thinking back to the overnighter in somewhere near Clemson, South Carolina,
We did it 23 miles ( I think ) the first day
And I think it was like 13 or 17 or something the second $

It was pretty mild elevation
But it was hot as a bitch
I mean, this was second week of July in South Carolina $

So hydration and all was the biggest
But I remember I didn’t even really sleep that night
We camped by a creek
And I pretty much just idleD $

It’s note worthy though because of how good I felt the second day $

I mean, 
I’d like to use the men in black test often $$*

You know that little thing that wipes your memory?
If I was to pull that out and wipe your memory from yesterday, 
would you be able to tell anything happened just based on how you feel in this moment? $$*

And you can apply that to most things to get you through just about anything $$

Well, after a little debate, it is 332 and we’re gonna go lay back down $

And I guess if we don’t fall asleep, then we’re probably gonna go to the gym at 5 AM $

Fucking nicotine man $

I really might be crazy $$

But I’m going to drive by the street I passed another dead cat on yesterday.. $

I figured it’s a win win $

It’s either not there and I’m good and my conscience is clear $$

Or I have to bury another cat lol $$

But I just can’t simply keep laying in bed when I’m not even tired with this on my mind and an hour to kill before the gym opens $

It is 4:13 AM and unfortunately,
 we have another cat to bury $

I won’t go into as much detail, 
but unfortunately, this guy was starting to stink a little bit 
It’s just sad $

My only regret is not going earlier $

But the fact that he was that close to an entrance for some major businesses..
And it really was not that hard to pick up…
It was out in the open….
And it must’ve been at least 24 hours….. $

There’s a bunch of neighborhoods on both sides……
Plenty of people go by there………. $

I don’t know ..
Maybe I’m assuming too much 
but that’s just disappointing $$

I will say, though 
my restlessness and all of that is completely gone 
and I do feel pretty incredible energy wise $$

Not like I’m ready to run out the door,
Like I’m literally just simply better & I don’t really know how to explain it $$

Classic feeling you get after doing a good deed though $$
 
So I’m gonna go lay back down for a bit and see what happens $

Lol after you’re laying down for literally point three seconds I’m gonna have to get some crackers $

I definitely have earned them 
and they’re gonna make amazing fuel for the gym $

Add to noteable gym personas-
Looky Lou 👀 $***

Definitely one of the weirdest lines I’ll ever write probably ..
but we have successfully buried the second cat 🐈‍⬛ $$

And hopefully the last time I have to write something like that, 
but I’d rather be “ready” than “irritable” $$

—————

It is 4 PM and we have had an amazingly productive day $

Actually busy day of dashes and edits and all of that
& I’m happy to report that my energy & mood and motivation are stabilizing and continuously improving $

Reading notes from three months ago shows how much I am getting back to normal lol $$

Just reminding myself that the whole point of this was basically to get it all down 
the good, bad, and the crazy $$

Extra on the crazy apparently lol $$

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The answer is three..
One to do it 
and then two to listen to him brag about how money he made $$$****

I’ll probably clean that joke up later $

It is 6:14 PM and it is time to get to work $

*Pops bottle $

I might come up with a different expression for drinking a beer 🍺 $

It is 7:03 PM and we’re stepping out to finish a cigarette $

I keep forgetting I’ve been up since 2 AM lol $

See this is the kind of shit that makes you need to keep a notepad,
Because this is actually been going on for a long ass time $$

Oh yeah, I haven’t really updated but it’s been mad stormy today
And it’s supposed to fucking freeze again tonight $

I fucking called it man
I mean it’s like 30 to 40 mile an hour gusts
Kind of makes me nervous $

But I was thinking about it 
and this isn’t the first windy day we’ve had somewhat recent
And I think that the other slightly more mild windy days might’ve gotten all of the low hanging loose shit that was about to fall $

It’s making smoking pretty hard $$

But just going to knock on wood that no wood comes knocking.. $$

The wind is making it kind of cold cause I’m starting to shiver $

I just had a bunch of tater tots too lol
And probably like 3 ounces of leftover chicken $$

I had the rest of the ground beef this morning 
that was at least 2/3 of a pound
I’d say at least 10 ounces,
And then some crackers after a couple hours after
But nothing sense $

my chilling hoodie and my underwear layer is fitting tighter than it has in a long time.. $$

Also note for the record,
That I got creatine and pre-workout the other day
Very basic shit,
Mr. Hyde but the weak kind,
And six star creatine monohydrate. 
Yep the Walmart brand lol $

I also keep forgetting, 
I had to bury a fucking cat again this morning 🤦‍♂️ $

This is why each day is really two different timelines of itself $

I am also halfway through a beer
I don’t think I said that yet hehe $

I was also starting to think a lot about St. Patrick’s Day 
and how weirdly synchronistic it has been with all my weird timelines and dates $

And the fact that I am clearly from those parts..
Kind of fitting that all of this is starting to add up to be released on St. Patrick’s Day maybe? $

It is 11:44 PM
We got some pretty decent sleep 
actually about four hours worth $

We’re watching “there there” $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

3-17-26

317

Need a new wall called “arguments for atheists”
Or “arguments against atheism”
Or something like that $**

It’s just gonna be pictures of the pyramids lol $$****

Happy 12:19 AM $

On St. Patrick’s Day ☘️ $

Which is really just a good excuse to get drunk after Valentine’s Day but hey, I’m not knocking it $$

Maybe I’ll fuck around and get a little tipsy later $

I don’t know,
 I’ve consumed probably two out of the three beers I’ve already opened in the past two days $

So things are starting to get “out of control” 
Says a nervous Nancy $$

But the only thing is bothering me is my nostrils right now 
and how one of them is the Sahara 
and the other is the Amazon $

1221 is such a cool time $$

Oh yeah, it’s kind of a silent moral victory at this point,
But the temperature dropped and is around freezing again,
And the temperature inside the house dropped a bit into the mid 50s probably,
And I really didn’t even notice $

I was sleeping for a good bit, 
but that’s kind of my point is that when I got up, I didn’t even recognize the temperature $

It’s a small win, but a big one considering the past few months,
How in the beginning of winter even that small temperature change would’ve been perceived as such a biological energy drain that my body would not have wanted to get out of bed $$*

And then, 
whenever I did force myself out of bed, simply going through the motions of heating yourself up is pretty lousy for the first few minutes $

So the fact that mentally I avoided all of that and physically have regained good body weight without too much excess fat, is a really good thing $

I’m clocking in at around 175 with clothes
This is before introducing creatine
And also, 
probably around an honest 10%
Could be a little less cause it seems like most of my fat is now around my midsection and less on my legs and thighs and glutes $

Therefore, making me think I’m bigger than I am
But when I’m actually training, 
I can tell by striations and the radical pump that comes out of nowhere that I am a different 170 $

Here’s an aggressive but effective strategy to improve the rest of your entire life.. $$$

Require requires 12 months, 
but if you can do it, 
you will hack your body’s actual recovery ability
It involves sleep and severing dependence on comfort $$$

Train as hard as you can and get super tired,
Then sleep on something uncomfortable like the floor,
Then repeat until it comes easy $$$

Then start trimming down the amount of hours,
until you get to somewhere between four or five,
Maintain this for as long as you’re reasonably can while increasing your physical workload until you are basically about to fall apart $$$

If you Find a way to last 12 months to complete the adaptation then you will basically be superhuman energy wise $$$**

Don’t be a little bitch about it either cause it’s gonna be rough, 
but it will get easy $$$

And you will recover from all the damage that you do ,
and don’t listen to the nervous Nancy’s who say otherwise $$$*

Because if you do it right, 
then you set yourself up for the future to where you can get eight hours worth of rest on four hours of sleep, 
despite whatever life throws at you, $$

this advantage cannot be overstated $$

You’ll avoid all kinds of shit with shady physicians and mattress salesman $$

You will never be cranky in the morning or dependent on coffee just to function $$

You will regain pretty much any hobby or activity just by the extra free time you can have $$

You’ll never be dependent on a certain schedule again, 
(unless you want to be) $$

You’re metabolic functioning will be much more efficient therefore providing dietary flexibility $$

&the list continues $$

My point is,
be intentional and do one thing at a time
But this is a much more challenging adaptation to achieve than just the traditional bulking and cutting like a lame $$

I think the whole point of training is to become an energetic super specimen $$

I really don’t know what’s going on with this movie but it’s not bad,
It’s hard to explain, 
but it’s just a bunch of different scenes of two people talking about crazy shit with each other $$

I don’t know what I want more..
Or even if I want it at all..
Rice beef, beans, butter?
Or cinnamon gram crackers?? $

Random thought from recent edits..
Cause I think it’s been a while since I’ve clarified,
Whenever I say crackers, I’m usually talking about cinnamon graham crackers $$

I will clarify if I’m talking about saltines 
or poor whites $$

Going with crackers as I think the last big batch of tater tots had more fat than I’m initially giving them credit for him $$

I’m also craving carbs more than I want more fat
And considering how it’s legs, 
and I’m trying to stay on the hypertrophy side of the street, 
this is one of those fun times where fueling in the middle of the night is “healthy” $$

Also, 
just some thoughts on actual metabolic functioning 
and food versus fuel and well-being and all that $

You actually can go probably 36 to 72 hours pretty comfortably without nutrients $$

provided that whenever you do eat, you’re eating a substantial amount to cover a couple days $$

This is easier than it seems because most meals actually end up wasting a lot of micro nutrients $$

But true fueling is what is time sensitive,
So If you’re fat adaptive, 
then you don’t really need snacks but you deff need hella electrolytes $$

If you need carbs, 
then you’re gonna have to time them within then a couple hours of activity if you want the benefit $$

This is assuming that you’re actually in shape not sanitary.. $$

Because since forever this is how most humans lived $$

You eat a lot on Monday because you probably weren’t gonna get anything else until the weekend $$

Besides, whatever snack you have in the woods $$

But you actually feel better this way emotionally speaking, 
even if you’re stimulating this in an “office environment” $$

You just need to actually eat when you’re hungry 
and not based on an app or a Calendar or Calculator… $$***

That’s also why you can do weird shit like eating a bunch of potatoes and beer for meal number two with Gramm crackers as dessert/next mornings pre-workout fuel 
and it be healthy and optimal, 
(considering the alternative) $$

“Considering the alternative…”
I feel like it needs to be the most common expression out there but it’s not $$

I also feel like one of the most disgusting things you can do-
Sleep with someone who’s intoxicated whilst sober $$$ 

The other way around is OK somehow tho lol $

Now I would exclude relationships,
 provided is not like a super regular thing $$

Which unfortunately is often pretty regular if you got an alcoholic significant other.. $$

But if someone’s intoxicated every time you have sex, 
just know you got a big problem on your hands.. $$$

(Not the fun kind either)

The most sacred can be the most perverted $$$

That’s the cost of beauty $$

My fascination with big wall mounted fish is also evidence of reincarnation $$

Because ain’t none of that shit is around here in these parts really 
and yet every time I go to a seafood buffet…
 I bug out lol $$

One thing I am most proud of,
I have no idea what the online dating apps look like these days $$

Somebody in Tinder’s front office probably thinks I got married or some shit
Or died lol $$

In the end though I was more of a “hinge” guy..
Which just meant I had grown tired of Tinder and bumble 😂 $$

I remember the first time I ever encountered an app like that,,
Which combined the “swiping” with a rating system
It was hard “hot or not”
The most shallow thing of all time $$

I remember, I just walked into my Saturday night AA meeting,
And a friend of mine came up to me and showed me the app,
My 20 year-old mine was blown $

It also somehow reminds me of how cringe and douchey I was that summer $

I was in this really weird fling with this super hot but slight older milf,
I was just nearly been killed in a bizarre car accident with the Prius 
so I was now whipping a new 2014 Honda Civic LX
The coupe of course $

Remembering how that car had sport mode
And I thought it was just the coolest shit $

And I definitely overestimated how fast it was.. 
0 to 60 in 6 seconds is not very fast $$

Keep in mind that I was coming from a Prius so that car felt like Formula One $

Speaking of driving,
How many people actually drive highly intoxicated,
And how many people actually do it on a regular basis,
And how much they underestimate how intoxicated they actually are..
Is the real issue $$$

Confidence in a bar means nothing,
Confidence in the gym means everything $$***

My right nostril is officially clogged lol $

I hope I don’t jinx it, but I’m really surprised I haven’t become a full-blown mouth breather in my sleep pretty much any night so far $$

(Def jyxned it lol )

I think there was one night where I caught myself getting a little bit of a dry throat $

But just a simple fact that I made it through all winter with far more exposure to the elements ,
With far less supplements,
or excess food,
 or shit like that,
and I’ve been far healthier,
Is once again evidence that we’ve been doing everything wrong $

Only true adepts can light cigarettes when it is windy $$*

It is 1:22 AM and it is cold as balls out here
But I’m actually not that cold
So just celebrating $

Don’t give me wrong, I am shivering a bit on the outside,
But I’m no longer having an emotional meltdown just because of the energy expenditure on the inside $$
 
And to clarify, 
even though I’ve been a bit dramatic with my notes about my energy,
It is still worth it just to avoid all of the health bullshit i was just talking about. $

The consistent cold Has kept my sinuses balanced 
And the sun walks while getting jizzed on by all the trees has built my robust allergy system $$

It is 5:07 AM
We are up and we are doing some intellectual work $

I wonder how many people are gonna end up getting shitfaced today $

I think one of the worst, least exciting ideas on this planet,
 is the idea of a bar crawl $$$*

I’m kind of kidding because with the right people, that actually could be pretty fun $$
 
But usually, 
it just turns into social drama just with everybody wearing Green $$

In the background we have the fugitive show playing $

season four episode 12 features this super smart Weasley little guy,
Who basically impersonated everybody when he was on the run,
Even impersonated a preacher $$

And he did it for a while while too $$

Nobody really figured him out $$

Honestly, 
it’s more impressive than concerning $$

I really can’t believe how many people fall for these bullshit pharmaceutical ads $$$*

Then again,
 when you’re in pain and you’re delusional, you’ll buy it into just about anything that offers you the easy way out $$$*

From now on, 
I’m not gonna even mention the names of the medication’s 
cause I’m not gonna give these fuckers free press $

(Kinda sorta lol)

I’m just trying to warn the public that if you expect weight loss to come in any type of pill or needle, than you are going to be gravely mistaken $$$*

(Sometimes literally)

I promise you it’s easier to make it through three weeks of uncomfortable exercise than it is to experiment with all kinds of strange metabolic modifying medications $$$********

The same people that want you to lose weight from the needle are the same people that want you to gain weight from sugar $$$******

They’re also the same people that want you to be confused about your sexuality $$$***

And it’s not because of how unique you really are,
 queen $$$****

And then they’ll give you bonus points if you let them chop your kids’ dick off $$$*

That’ll pretty much complete the satanic Trinity $$$

And you’ll be stuck in hell $$$

Because hell is just a misappropriation of the lower, educational realm $$$***

i used to not believe in other realms,
And I used to just believe in the power of consciousness,
 and how hell and heaven can coexist on the same plane of existence, $

But now I’m gonna edit that $

I think there are really three primary plains of existence,
But two of them are identical and coexist in the same $$

Hell and earth can be the same place depending on how you treat it $$*

But I think heaven at this point, is distinctly different $$

I think that is the original home,
I know it sounds woo, woo, 
and like some fucking soccer Mom shit 
but it really is true $$

But again,
that realm can’t properly exist without this realm $$

Because of..
meaning 
and comparison 
and competition 
and war against boredom 
and all of that $$

But then again, there very well may be the equivalent of a whole different version of hell $$

And it could be pretty cliché textbook $$

But I just can’t envision anything worse than just simply being forced to watch what you fucked up and missed out on $$*

simply imagine 
being as hungry as you’ve ever been,
 and with a plate of your favorite food right in front of you, 
but with no way to satisfy that appetite $$

And no way to eat the food $$

I think that’s what happens if you do not rise above your lower nature’s $$

Now I also do think that if you fail to rise above your lower nature, 
but you do believe and the Almighty, 
then pretty much right when you realize you fucked up,
consciously speaking,
 and right when you get to that internal point of willingness to try again, 
then I think you pretty much instantaneously reset
Or reincarnate $$

That’s why you have really good people, 
but also really dumb people.. $$

(Usually in the same meat suit)

And the sad truth is,
most criminals fit that description instead of being “genuinely evil people” $$

Most are just so traumatized and fell down the wrong pathways $$

Here’s a hard swerve $

I love how cannabis is about one of the only substances you can train under basically no matter what $$

Sure, 
you might not feel like it, 
but you could.. $$

If you’re doing too much of a stimulant, you pretty much have to train but then you won’t be able to sit still
(or the opposite if you’re super ADHD and stimulants calm you down) $$

I don’t even really need to say too much about mushrooms lol $$

Cause once you crossed that threshold, you’re gonna be moving shit with your mind instead lol $$

Kratom will just put you to sleep $$

Alcohol is obvious $$

I mean, you can’t even really loop in other shit like painkillers or benzos
Or methamphetamine lol $$

Shit, even tobacco will make you spin after too much $$

Now to be fair,
 if you don’t have a tolerance, then cannabis might as well be a one-way ticket to crazyVille
Or might feel like you’re being shot in the space lol $$

But I’m speaking from a metabolic operating perspective,
Like as long as you don’t lose your shit, you’ll be good $$

Hell, you might even set some personal bests
Because of the cannabinoids and all the blood flow and all that bullshit $

And I mean, if we’re gonna consider all factors, just simply the psychological benefit alone is worth it’s weight in gold
Because assuming your body is properly hydrated and fueled then the only reason you quit is cause you just wanna $

And I don’t know,
 maybe it’s silly but all you gotta do is put a nice looking nug at the end of that finish line and you bet your ass and ima get there $$

AnyWho, it is 5:27 AM and we are now at the hydration station, mixing up the potions 🧪 $

I was thinking maybe about going back to sleep for a bit
Until you know, decided it was time to do the Lord’s work $

Pretty profound thought just now even though it’s not exactly news or anything new,
But just thinking about how robots can literally do the fighting that most soldiers can do 
and pretty much for all of all time, soldiering was one of the most meaningful honorable duties one could ever undertake $$

So the fact that one can no longer fight is a very, very new thing $

But also comes with its cost because it threatens what many people hold dear 

“love you, buddy be back in a bit”- $
(Organic voice to text of me to Alex)

lol bout to deliver a smoothie to an old friend $

What a circular world $

The only thing worse than stupid is corrupted $$*******

I really hope I don’t find any more roadkill because my backyard is not gonna turn into “pet cemetery” lol $

When I buried Jason yesterday,
(black with the white spot)
I could tell a coyote try to dig up Tom from last week, 
but I don’t think he was successful $

Which is 12:35 AM and we’re stepping out to finish half a cigarette
This is likely a weird kind of personal best,
By smoking this early in the day
This is also emotionally an experiment $

Just to see how it goes and how it feels
But mostly because the crackers that I’ve eaten long ago and the gain bowl I had after the gym are starting to kick in a little $

And I would normally go on a walk,
So this is you know the exact opposite of what I would recommend healthwise lol $$

But this is also the reality that majority of people face that are working,
Because you don’t really have enough time to go running down the street, 
but you might have a time for a quick smoke break $

And then what happens if you’ve already done your walk down the street? $

I am also partly doing it to investigate the nicotine benefit as it relates to creative work and focus $

Back when I was in sales and I was smoking a lot, then it was usually just a break from all the bullshit going on inside $

And even then I would rarely smoke at work because when they moved the smoking area, they moved it to the very back of the building to where it would take so long to even make it to on your break, It wasn’t even worth it. $

Even though my breaks weren’t really monitored like that 
being a manager and all 😏 $

Further evidence of reincarnation is how that job felt
Because I had a team,
It was a high-pressure high chaos environment,
You used your mind to work $

But mostly, it was the coaching & the training that just seemed so familiar and so comfortable $

And I remember hitting an emotional wall, literally three days before they fired me because I knew I was trapped $

The likelihood of being able to go to another corporation and duplicate my position comfortably with greater potential and pay was extremely unlikely $

Because I was a 20-year-old that just kind of fumbled up the ladder from a sneaker business into the sales management position $

And I realized I was trapped $

I was also spending the majority of my shift, staring at the window because the bullshit at work had gotten so much that I couldn’t even do my job $

I was literally just supervising people in a call center at that point $

Also, 
if you’re going to consider the mental health ramifications of working in a call center environment,
That is kind of like the modern day front lines $$

Because the impact that comes from working in that environment,
I guarantee you adds up to be a greater cost casualty wise (& quantity wise) than any of the major wars that we have fought $$

I’m not talking about people losing limbs in the office,
I’m talking about people losing their families and their metabolic functioning $$

Before long, most have degraded physically, and on an energetic level that they cannot escape
And then, therefore, they are spiritually imprisoned $$

PTSD is often overlooked and misunderstood from war,
But the amount of honor / integrity / courage that you develop by serving usually greatly outweighs it all in the long-term if you can recover $

& the Sense of honor is worth it $$

But there’s not much sense of honor working at call center..
Even though they’re sure shit should be $$

Apparently, the nicotine made me chatty lol $

I just got my gas bill for the next month
Lol and it’s so funny cause I used it so little that it must be a personal all-time low $

No wonder they let me extend the bill for another month without penalty because it’s damn near about the same as it is now $

It is 4:01 PM and we are on the way to the gym
The plan is to do some light cardio probably jogging,
My mid afternoon meditation turned into about a 90 minute nap just about lol
Kind of weird though it was like a weird energy recharge thing $

But it kind of backfired because now I’m super chill and I don’t really feel like doing anything
But I need to literally get up and move a little bit more so here we go $

It is 7:44 PM and we are leaving the Lion after an unexpected dash
I’m gonna blame Alex because if he wasn’t so insistent that he wanted his lick treats, then I probably would not have gone,
And if I did not go, 
then I would not have realized that I am out of floor cleaning mop wipe things and clothes detergent 
Which is a pretty big deal honestly
But of course, 
it’s kind of a comical unexpected expense
I guess that’s why yesterday I ended up doing so well dashing wise and without going into detail, there was a weird bill paying discrepancy that ended up working out in my favor 
Kind of $

So AnyWho
We’re headed back now $

We got 30 eggs
A ham steak
Another four pack of salted butter
The floor mop wipes
The detergent
And three packs of the cat squeeze lick treats
And another loaf of garlic bread, lol $

Couldn’t resist $

I am not afraid to note for the record that I am cracking another cold one $

That’s right
I’m drinking another beer for the third day in a row
But today is literally a drinking holiday so it basically doesn’t even count $$

I might
And I don’t wanna be too bullish with this..
But might end up drinking two full beers $$

AnyWho, we’re gonna try to switch the vibe up and see if there’s anything worth watching on Netflix while we get ready to make some dinner and focus on some social media shit $

It’s still strangely cold
Supposed to get below 30° again $

I’m not complaining though cause I can barely feel it thanks to my cold adaptations and proper fueling $

AnyWho, 
we’re gonna watch “the defeated”
Which is about Berlin after the war $

I mean, I don’t even need to try to connect the dots at this point $

I think I’m gonna step out and smoke part of a cigarette really quick though $

I think my neighbor is in his garage working on his car so I’m gonna try to at least remain open minded for small talk if it somehow fumbles that way $

This reminds me of the time when I was 27 and so completely lost spiritually speaking that I would just go on random road trips to the first couple places I could think of,
Or really anything that popped up that was free and within a day or two drive,
That didn’t involve drinking or mind or mood altering substances $$

And you know what I ended up doing?

The only thing that there is to do when you’re a young person 
and you don’t get fucked up 
and you’re not in the military (currently) &

Yup, 
Civil War battle sites $$

That’s what you go visit $$

I mean, come on
At the time, I really just thought that there was nothing better to do
I didn’t realize how many options I probably overlooked before choosing that.. $

And I know I’m kidding about the circumstances and how limited my options were but I still had to look over many different options before choosing that $

And I went to multiple 
for the record.. lol $

It was almost like everywhere I went, if there was one nearby, you bet your ass I was gonna visit it $$

remembering now even when I went to Charleston with a girlfriend for my 23rd birthday, 
we ended up going to Fort Sumter… $

Which I think was my second time going lol $

I MEAN, COME ON $

And that was damn near nine years ago now 
so you know, I’m not doing this shit just to be funny but to prove a point $

Back then, I would’ve not given any of this any credit
But the evidence is overwhelming $

It was just so ironic because of how stone cold sober I was

Which maybe makes more sense than I realize because if I was an alchy in the past life, 
then perhaps I wouldn’t really remember much from many parts of it thanks to the function of alcohol.. $

Part of me blamed it on my childhood upbringing 
because as a kid when we were travel often, & we would usually visit a lot of historical sites $

I blamed my mom
Not in a bad way cause I actually enjoyed them
I mean, like I just thought that she was a geek $

She was intentional about marrying it up with my schooling
Like I said,
 she can cast her ballot as one of the world’s best moms $$

I’m worried about her health mental and physical, 
but as it relates to keeping me from completely exploding and falling apart, 
she is nothing short of an angel $$

I guess it would make sense that it would take me into my 30s to realize that she’s that way because her old man was a fucking nerd $$

Every now and then, I hear echoes from my childhood about her telling me about her father.. $

Something that I need to confirm, but would make sense.,
“Once he got his pension, that was it. He just built shit and drank.” $&

Im prob paraphrasing but the first part I really do somewhat recall that $

And if you did 30 years in the naval air core as a master pilot,
Then that would make sense that once you get out, 
you go hang out in Miami and drink and sail $$

You know, 
I’m not gonna lie
Because my tolerance is so laughably low for alcohol,
That as long as I space out my sips
I can maintain a very low level, very responsible minor relaxation buzz $

I know this is the entire point of beer obviously $

But I’m saying that I’m metabolizing it quick but I still experience it as a lightweight $

So I’m still got about a third of my beer left, but I still have a very light buzz $

it is 8:53 PM and we just ate probably 3/4 of that ham steak
At least 2/3 a pound
And is mostly protein $

And that’s a good suggestion for anybody that’s struggling to get their protein intake-

And if you can’t afford actual steak,
A ham steak is really easy to make,
And really easy to eat,
And you’ll quickly rack up your protein with it 
and they’re usually less than five dollars a pound $$

So price wise, it’s equal to the low end proteins, 
but the advantage is in preparation and consumption and storage
Cause that bitch usually stays for a month before you even cook it
But then you can just reheat it so fast $

Goes great with anything $

It’s Hella salty so you’re sodium’s gonna be on point $

You know,
It’d be so crazy if I saw some orbs right about now wouldn’t it… $

I really am just so proud of my body
It has gone through so much in so little time and is rapidly regaining ground $

I’ve noted quite extensively over the last couple weeks how much my well-being and my resting energy level is improving with the completion of this part of the resistance games 
and the family stress 
and the seasonality
And it just takes time to regenerate brain neurons from fucking amphetamines apparently $

I will make a nice detailed report of this crazy shit soon but
It’s just unbelievable how quickly I deteriorated just within six months of trying to do things by the book as far as how medical establishment and those who are captured by the system are concerned $

Talk about trolling lol $

But I wouldn’t take the last year back no matter what $

Simply surviving it is the most prized possession I have psychically & philosophically $$

I thought I was wise before,
And now I know I’m not, 
Which makes me more wise than before $$

More evidence is how my rhythm is returning 
and I’m falling back into a more regular routine
Which is a long-winded way of saying 9 PM is my bedtime once again
At least for first sleep $

Cause it seems like the midnight movies are probably gonna remain for a while $

I just poured out the last bit of that beer
For the Homies
of course $

So time to go idle in bed and see what happens $