Good morning world $

It is 12:03 AM $

Coming in spicy
Just thinking about that, if we’re being honest with ourselves, the true measure of fitness intellect is relative strength and lean muscle mass to fat mass $$

Anybody can get pretty jacked within 12 months,
But not everybody’s gonna be able to hold lean body composition and relative strength to their own body weight for 12 years $$

Can’t forget how it’s motherfucking Groundhog Day $

One of them easy to overlook days
But it carries a lot of weight $$

BRB, I’m gonna go look up the backstory of it really quick $

Well, apparently it’s dates back to some old ancient dramatic tradition
Most people are familiar that if the groundhog sees it shadow, it means six more weeks of winter
And if it doesn’t see a shadow, then spring will come early $

Which is just saying that if the weather is shit on February 2, then that’s a good thing $

But actually, there’s no real “evidence“ to support this, but part of me is inclined to lean with tradition on this one
Although he almost always predicts a harsh winter, 
which kind of seems like a safe bet $

I need to note for the record that I ate a pretty big gain bowl just before the turn of the day
Or the great reset
But I’m still pretty hungry $

But it’s not the real hunger
It is cracker cravings $$

Unfortunately, the furnace has decided to bail on our trio of heat, which is kind of sad because it was getting a little toasty there $

It is probably about 15° outside so kind of a big deal $

I laugh because I’m having so much fun but this is actually called an historic snowfall apparently
It is definitely the second biggest I’ve ever seen.$

I won’t lie. I am craving some crackers pretty intense. I’m just making a note of this because I actually don’t think I’m gaining as much bad as I thought 
that’s the magic of water but even if I am, I’m not gaining as much so I’m gonna continue listening to my hunger signals. $

I do believe my hunger will go away in a few minutes once my last meal starts digesting
But if I had some crackers, I could probably eat them. Guilt free $

By definition, the only thing that is hard is going against your desires $$

If you can align your desires with the flow of life and the right circumstances
Then you will never struggle $$$

Happy 1:01 AM
It is almost time to go back to bed $

I’m fighting off these cravings while I wait on my gain bowl to kick in $

I’m pretty antsy and restless
Classic ADHD shit
I’ve got my special kettlebell with my towel grip and I’m alternating doing some holds and some grip squeezes while watching this documentary drama series
While waiting on part three of the buzz $

I’m very proud of myself for making those 3 of the 7 tablets last over 72 hours
And I still have a quarter left
Which is two servings $

And I still have a good bit of the Kratom caps left
And I got that all at the same time too so I’ve cut that usage down by half at at least without really trying
And definitely without suffering
Zero withdrawals and all that
Also same with the cannabis $

This is easy to overlook, but this is really why I even started writing all these notes to begin with
When done right and when I’m training properly and everything is balanced, then I can naturally avoid any unnecessary cravings and emotional dips
And also when I’m avoiding the wrong people $$

That last part has been the hardest pill to swallow 
if you know what I’m saying $

I’m very excited to get back to work
And it seems like I might finally have a good routine rhythm outlined $

All right, it is 4:56 AM and we are getting to work $

You know it’s cold when everything you touch is borderline painful lol $$

It’s 16°
I’ve got the two space heaters going now
And the furnace is intermittently cutting on and off just enough to keep my closet from freezing I think $

We’re gonna listen to the Whyfiles while we get to work $

I was right in Planet Fitness is scared and closed
I’m hoping they’re just doing a delayed start
But I won’t know that for at least another hour
So it is time to do some mental mobility
And put on a podcast & idle meditation thing $

It is 8:35 AM
Planet Fitness is still currently closed which is pretty lame $

I think we’ll give it another 30 minutes or so before we start making plans for an at home push day $

It is 15° but beautiful $

It is now 8:44 AM and I’m doing my son walk but with less resistance
Kind of $

Well, Planet Fitness looks like they want to be planet Gaylord so they’re gonna stay closed for now I guess
Then I’m gonna try to do an in-home workout without being complete sourpuss $

Guess this is why God made caffeine
Or I guess God made man and man-made caffeine $

With muscle focus training it’s almost better to do something you don’t want to do
Your results will likely be better because it means you’re choosing something that’s probably gonna change you $$*

With movement, focus training it is usually the opposite
You usually want to begin with something that you look forward to doing so you can get into some kind of flow estate ASAP $$*

Muscle is more building
Movement is more burning $$*

Call of duty taught me that one asshole who’s quick with a sniper rifle is way more dangerous than a whole squad of those with a light machine guns
*kill shot by Eminem $$*

Skateboarding taught me how every trick is a loop in end of itself
And when you go to practice a trick, you start stationary and then have to get a rolling start then hopefully land the trick to complete rolling forward
I guess my point though is that each and every time you have to start the loop somewhere
And usually when you start, it’s pretty far away from whatever trick you’re trying to hit $$

Ima say this again
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE GOOD SONG IN GOOD HEADPHONES $$

Remembering the first chest day at golds gym after Covid and I repped 225 like it wasn’t shit
After not touching a BB for god knows how long $$

Tis 10:20 and time for 2nd sun/ cool down walk $

If it takes your breath away, then it’s probably gonna cause some shit to change $$*

It’s 25° outside, but I swear to God if it’s a 50 $

It is 11:43 AM
We have done some motivational mobility work & a quick run to the store to get some crackers 
and maybe try to do a dash or two and it looks like Planet Fitness is open again after all, which is fantastic so probably try to aim to do chest in the evening after all, which is a very exciting thought $

We’re leaving the Food Lion now after a very suspicious grocery store trip
It’s like the supply is really low
So I got a bunch of extra stuff just in case $

Looks like they’re calling for more on Wednesday. I havent investigated that yet though. $

But AnyWho, we’re gonna do this fuel up and get ready to go to the gym and maybe dash or something $

So I got one thing a double stuffed Oreos & one box of graham crackers
1 pound of bacon
3.3 pounds of ground beef 7327
3 pounds of wild blueberries
And six rolls of paper towels
They’re supposed to be the good kind
Surprisingly, they were out of all eggs
So I’m going to Aldi‘s after the gym I think
Maybe before cuz it’s so cold I can just leave the shit in the car
That way I get in there early $

Grocery shopping after you after the gym is it’s own mobility exercise $$*

I’ve been home for about 3 1/2 minutes and I’ve already eaten one sleeve of cookies
Obviously, it was my first choice once arriving home
My bet is that they will be the fastest to digest
And highest calorie density $

I would DoorDash, but they literally have the roads shut down headed towards the shopping center
As of 12 o’clock when I went to go to the grocery store
So it kind of looks like I’m being boxed in $

Oh yeah, all in all the groceries were about 50 bucks $

Leaving planet & the candy store now and grocery store part two
We got 24 pack of waters, hot sauce and three different caffeine squirts
And then we got 100 g some super green leaf
And another three count of the 10 mg $

Mostly because the actual candy store was closed so I went to the Darkside
So good news is I was able to get a pretty good chest workout in with only one shot of caffeine
Pretty big deal actually $

I’m gonna go back and try to get as much work done as I can and see what happens $

It is 5:13 PM $

I’m just thinking about different lifelines of work that I’ve walked
There was one point in time where I would’ve been on the clock for maybe an hour by now,
There was a point in time to where I would be probably heading to work at the moment,
There was a point in time in which I would’ve been on the clock for 15 or seven minutes,
There was a time where I would’ve been on the clock for 8 1/2 hours by this point,
Actually, there’s a few different jobs that would’ve applied,
There were a couple to where this would be the beginning of some rush,
Usually lasting 2 hours but was basically a daily thing (real estate/ dinner)
Then there was a time to where I would be on my second shift and technically 12 hours into the day,
Very crazy how much I’ve said and done,
I bounced around and lived so many different lifetimes in such a short amount of time it feels like
I’m so grateful and while the stress nearly got me and every time in it’s own unique way
That is one hell of a résumé tho
There is not an hour of the day that I have not been on the clock somehow 
There is not one type of job that I have not done in some sense
( if you’re gonna be reasonably creative with the movement TQ criteria) $

There are only so many different movements out there, but there are infinite different types of techniques
But once you got the core movements down and about five different techniques in your back pocket;
It becomes laughably easy to learn new ones $$

It becomes so easy you don’t even realize you’re doing it $$*

And then your biggest problem is once again getting out of your own way and a whole new way
Good luck wearing that circle $$

So I’m trying to get my mind into work mode
My goal is very simple today
One simple task
But a very intentional thoughtful one at that
Today has been weird because the snow & the routine & the carbs
& near mid afternoon crash
But luckily, those Food Lion brand generic double stuffed artificially flavored Oreos have functioned as 2000 cal of rocket fuel to put me back in the game $

I’m really trying to refrain from the caffeine
And I should be able to with the just a good moderate Kratom buzz $

Just thought about the gym actually being open tomorrow on time and that is a very exciting thought
I hope I didn’t just jinx it lol
Knock on wood 🪵 $

I also want to note that I think my buzz is kicking in now
But I’ve only taken two capsules throughout the entire day
And while I haven’t enjoyed the benefit of the buzz,
I haven’t really thought about it,
And I haven’t had any withdrawals,
And i still have 13 capsules left $

I picked up more of the seven tablets because I really think I’m gonna focus on micro dosing those even more
It worked well over the summer,
But it’s working even better now that I’m in better shape and more sensitive $$

And in an ironic twist
If I’m doing maybe 1 mg of the seven hydroxy, that actually nets less than if I was to take a normal heavy dose of capsules $$

& sure the plants give you extra alkaloids and it’s much more balanced than all of that jazz,
And I do fully emphasize the benefit of having the full spectrum of all of that, $$

But I actually have gotten to the point of where I want such a light buzz,
It’s almost easier and cleaner because I’m avoiding all of the digestion time and constipation side effects $$

Even though I’ve never really been constipated - constipated
It’s more like it turns your poops into rabbit poops 💩 
Little tiny things lol
Mostly because it basically slows down your digestion and causes your colon to squeeze a bit
So it’s like a little compressed lol $$

I just ate a bunch of cookies and like I said, the buzz was kicking in
But what’s crazy is how my hands are starting to burn in the warming sense $

They were just getting pretty crispy cold
But the rest of those cookies have resulted in a surge of energy
And I can literally feel them warming themselves up as if I just walked in out of the cold $

And I literally have just been pacing in my own living room $$

We did it
It is 5:41 PM and we finished another long chapter
So that’s pretty cool $

It is time to wind down
So I am going to increase the Kratom buzz $

Just ate 3/4 of a pound of ground beef
The 8020
I probably could’ve eaten the whole pound
But I don’t really need to, 
and if I save the last bit, that’ll go great in another gain bowl probably in the middle of the night or tomorrow $

I got some berries too, so I’m super excited for dessert here in a bit $

Notice how I didn’t need any carbs, lol…
At least for now $

I’m totally gonna smash the cinnamon crackers in the middle of the night before back day in the morning $$

I’m so fucking excited it is hard to contain myself $

It is 6:59 PM
We are winding down after a little bit of work
We are officially at the part of the process to where we are burning
Or we care more about accuracy and precision & less about volume $

So I am now basically restarting my marketing approach
Hopefully to exponentially increase soon $

I’ve already eaten 1/3 of the crackers
I feel so warm. I am very suspicious. $

I mean, I swear, if you wiped my memory, I would think this is room temperature
Besides the five layers, I’m wearing ofc $

But even everything I touch doesn’t feel as cold
My hands in my face I think are generating heat faster than they are losing it $$

Doing daily 10 steps get you pretty good at owning your shit $$*

And if there’s one superpower worth having, it is the ability to own your shit without being petty or passive aggressive about it $$*

Sucks at first, but it doesn’t take long before the lesson is compounded into some pretty profound shit $$*

And then soon you’ve got problems and areas that you didn’t even used to have areas $$*

They called those problems of privilege $$*

Lol good morning world
It is 10:25 PM and we were getting up for first shift the movies $

It is now 11:12 PM and I am watching Vikings
And upgrading the buzz so slightly
I’m probably gonna have to finish that box of crackers by the morning session whenever that arrives
I’m just trying to navigate it digestion wise $

Cause that near pound of ground beef kind of complicates things lol
But then again, that is when these berries are usually their best $

I feel the need to emphasize how amazing wild blueberries are for a few moments
Just about any grocery store, 
you can get 3 pounds of them for about $12
And they’re better than any candy you can get
By the frozen dessert section or by the other frozen fruit $$*

Which sidenote frozen fruit is the shit if you have somehow haven’t discovered it yet $$$

But wild blueberries are especially really good for you
Good fiber, good vitamins all that
But be careful if you eat them in the cold because it will cool you down from the inside real quick lol $$

But they help a lot by keeping the system & the gain train moving
I actually prefer to eat them out of a glass with a spoon
It helps to keep me honest because I can get carried away if you give me a big bowl $

Also noting kind of a weird itchiness in my right forearm
It’s gentle and light, but note worthy
If it gets crazy intense, I’ll be suspicious, but I think I might just be pretty dry skin $

Pretty amazing how well my skin does naturally in the cold dry air. $

another benefit of the notepad-
I get to catch myself on my bullshit much faster $$

It is now 11:40 PM and I’m gonna do some more reading. I caught myself talking myself out of it at first saying things like I don’t need to do with this no point I could just say keep watching Vikings or I’m gonna go to sleep soon anyway, but then I realized that every bit of reading that I do makes every bit of TV watching better so that’s why I’m doing this right now $$

After finishing another chapter, I am going to finish some more crackers and finish some more Vikings get ready for the great reset in three minutes $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-2-26

It’s like the Michael Jordan day $

Good morning world $

We’re watching heathen’s getting hacked to bits $

Actually, the heathens are doing the hacking
It’s the old self-righteous Christians that are getting hacked $

These crackers are getting chomped though $

And I just bit my lip, lol $

When you start digging into the moon, you realize all the secrets about the sun $$*

And then once you run the numbers about the Earth, you realize that it’s man-made $$*

And that’s when shit gets really crazy $$

*Lighter flick $$

Shout out to the city of Charlotte because they’ve clearly invested in their snow road treatment
I mean, there was a fucking foot of snow out there yesterday and now it’s a clean black top
So whatever type of shit they used to melt it clearly worked $

Not to brag, but I’ve already eaten the second bowl of berries $

I seriously think I’m gonna try to finish these crackers by the time I go to bed
Sorry, “second sleep” $

The berries are the fiber
And probably some kind of fructose related trick
That tells my body to keep eating $

And then the cinnamon just helps with digestion because ever since I started eating these crackers, I noticed a significant improvement in my overall metabolic functioning $

Not even kidding
I think it’s because it’s such a simple and “clean” source of fuel that it’s easy for my body to process
And then I can use the room for real food
Such as the eggs beans and rice $

By clean, I really am just saying from A ingredient perspective
It’s still partially poisonous
It’s just as controlled and as least damaging as I can get $

A challenge you to find a better source of 1500 cal for under three dollars $

The cookies are closer to 2000 cal, but they have a lot more other bullshit in it that I can’t justify eating too often $

It’s been a couple weeks now on these crackers and I’m not gaining as much fat as I thought
I am enjoying them more and more
And I am gaining much more muscle than I expected
And I’m staying a lot warmer $

That is another big piece of this hole crazy puzzle $

I swear the heating element and keeping my house cold is keeping me lean $

Because it’s kind of like a resistance band for cells
It gives them an opportunity to flex, and the resistance is really relative $$

*Openss third sleeve $$

Also, a reminder that pretty much any mass gainer is gonna be about 1200 cal of maltodextrin with all kinds of random extra shit thrown in the mix $$

And that basically made up half or 1/ third of my calories for most of an adult life $

The first half of my adult life, though I ate out for pretty much every meal
Second half I ate out half the time but the other half I would just buy the best ingredients $

Anything that takes longer than expected is most likely a good thing $$

Anything that happens much faster than expected is usually a trick or a trap $$

Unless your expectations are spot on, of course
Then ignore what I just said lol $$

There really is nothing wrong with getting your buzz on
It’s just that most people choose stupid alcohol
Or completely fly off the handle with any other substance worth doing
Or get so weird with shit that’ll give things a bad reputation $$$

I might be guilty on that last part $

I know every now and i bug out over the fact that I know I was a girl at some point in the past life,
But I really am just too attracted to women to believe it was any Anytime recent
Or if I was, then I certainly was mostly lesbian $

I mean, beautiful women just fuck me up man lol $

But I can tell when a guy is attractive
Without actually being attracted to him
But for most of my life, I actually couldn’t tell $

Now it’s more in the aesthetic health sense $

I do believe sexuality is more of a spectrum than anything
That you can probably slide on that spectrum if you want,
But I also believe as with anything, you find your niche $

And over the summer in the middle of all that soul-searching, high strangeness,
I kept getting the sense that I was being visited by some kind of playful but romantic, loving spirit
And there’s some secrets between me and that spirit about those couple weeks in the tomb that will stay that way, if you know what I mean $

Actually, I hope you don’t know what I mean if you know what I mean lol $

Some things make a lot more sense if you envision an invisible audience $$

I done heard the most spiritual people talk the most shit $$

Not to brag, but I have finished an entire box of crackers by 1:01 AM $

Which should put me in perfect position for a hypertrophy session in about five or six hours $

I really do prefer when I can wake up and go train first thing
There really is no better way to start the day $

I done tried everything else every which way I can think of
And sometimes you gotta do some shit you don’t wanna do first, but I think it’s time I get my morning sessions back for good $

I’m trying to wash these crackers down by chugging water
I’m not trying to chug the water. I’m actually trying to slow myself down. $

I doubt I’m gonna be awake for much longer. I’m just trying to get these things to scoot along a bit for indigestion sake $

I am noting for the record that my current 7oH tablet might be on the underdose side
Again, just goes back to the problem with the industry
But I am happy that I can get the product so it is part of the process $

I’m tempted to take that other half
It’s kind of like that rebound burnout
I don’t know even as I say it out loud I don’t really want to do that $

It is 1:11 AM so I gotta go back to bed in a few $

Although I am a little nervous about these carbs once they kick in
I guess technically speaking I only need maybe two or three hours of sleep
And then I can probably take a two hour nap at some point during the day $

Fuck it, bro I’m gonna go ahead and take that whole second half
Mostly because I’m on a full stomach of those crackers and I’m gonna need something to counteract it
And two to do a rebound because I’m gonna take the next 24 hours off of the tablets $

On a philosophical note
This will give me a chance to test the dosage, engage my tolerance $

It is now 2:09 AM and I have done my last weeks review and prepared the cuts for sorting for later $

I’ve scheduled a couple posts $

And I am preparing for second sleep after a victory hit or two $

Alex is super snuggly at the moment. Always a great note $

I think my forearm is itchy because of the cable rubbing on it at the gym and then the dry air so I’m gonna be careful not to scratch it $

I will add that if I did not have a buzz, I would not have done my editing now, and I would probably be tossing and turning in bed $

But instead, this is a perfect level of a buzz $

I mean, I’m gonna do some more side-by-side testing with this versus the full spectrum alkaloids and other extracts but I really can’t see how the other extracts can get better than this $

Cause I’m not trying to get too strong of a buzz
And I’m also not trying to wait 90 minutes for the equivalent of a Starbucks $$$

That’s why I returne to the gas station heroin due to price and potency $$*

But if you do not respect the poison, then it will fucking kill you quick $$*

Except this poison actually won’t kill you even if it makes you feel like dying $$*

So that is one big trade-off as why I will always speak up about this over fucking fentanyl $$*

And yes, I fully realize more people will do this now than who may never originally experiment, 
but you cannot hide in a cave forever and call it growth $$$*

Eventually, you’re gonna have to come out the cave and take the drugs and go to the recovery meeting is just like the rest of us $$$*

Then you’ll really understand secret societies $$$***

It is 7:05 AM and I am trying to wake up now
Oh man $

OK, it is now 8:46 AM and I am getting up. I’m gonna get ready for the gym soon. $

It is now 9:29 AM and I’ve got some mental mobility cuts done and I’ve taken probably two shots of caffeine squirt
A few different kinds
So now naturally, the dosing is all kinds of funky
But I am dragging
I think I got a little carried away yesterday with the push session
I think I’m at the point now to where I’m actually pushing so hard on the hypertrophy side that I need to be extra mindful of my recovery for the next couple weeks $

But I can easily move the movement portion to the beginning of the day as a good active warm-up
That sounds nice $

I plan on still hitting pull later
But I’m gonna have to eat more and rest more $

As of now, I’m trying to convince myself to go on this morning walk $

I would argue that learning to celebrate pain is the greatest lesson you could ever learn
Or master $$$

Pain by definition is inevitable
And there will always be brief moments of it
But before it crosses the invisible line into suffering,
We are given the opportunity to make a decision,
Whether or not to view it as a good or bad thing,
When viewed is a good thing, 
then it transforms into growth, 
and it is only a few moments away from becoming even pleasurable, 
Even laughable
But viewed as a bad thing, we began heading down that pathway to suffering $$

Need a new segment called street sermons lol $

It is 10:37 AM and I’m gonna do some reading
I think the three capsules i took are starting to kick in
I think I took them I think about 45 minutes ago or something $

I’ve got the weight vest on for the record
And I put it on probably 20 minutes ago $

We’re reading good energy $

First thing that jumps off the page is, did you know that 80% of medical school schools do not require a nutrition class? $$$

Oh yeah, and 95% of the academics in the USDA panel of the 2020 dietary guidelines add conflict of interest within the major food companies $$$*

You really need to look into how much sugar is added into everything if you haven’t already because children’s food are the worst $$$

Also, friendly reminder that tapwater is not safe to drink just about anywhere, and therefore not really safe to use with food or cooking
Mostly due to arsenic and other heavy amounts of metals $$$*

Which is funny cause I’ve had to drink that magic water several times lol $

The biggest amateur move is going too heavy on the plant based shit and then blowing out your intestines just because you wanted to get some more micro nutrients $$$*

Seeds are the most notorious because of the poor bio availability 
so proceed with your own risk $$$*

Most antibiotics in the US go towards animals and livestock which compound overtime $$$

Medical issues caused nearly 70% of the US bankruptcy 
And type two diabetes adds up to be around $17,000 a year alone $$$

You gotta love the amateurs for putting together all the scientific info for everybody else to look at lol 
but they’re often the ones complaining and whining about everything $$$

I’m obviously all for raising awareness, which is why I’m doing all this, 
but you gotta remember that it comes at the cost of your own emotional sanity
Emotional stress is always worse than physical stress I would argue ,
and the second you believe otherwise you have already magnified your physical stress so have fun with that $$$***

Trying to get an activist to worry about their vitamins is just literally going to panic them $$$*

Just tell them to eat one very nutrient dense food for three weeks and then go from there $$$*

Lol, imagine trying to get an activist to memorize all the functions of the alphabet vitamin’s $$

Amateurs love citing studies and bringing up long phrases to pretend as if it makes up for their lack of actual fitness $$$*

Athletes are too busy to actually working to worry too much $$$*

Artists are too busy turning that poison into progress $$$*

And adepts are too busy making fun of the amateurs while trying to get the activists to relax $$$*

Snapshot of some of the vitamins and what they do best $$$*

Vitamin D
- Enhances insulin receptors includes transport
- Increases expression of mitochondrial genes
- Reduces mitochondrial oxidative stress
- Regulates expression of genes
- Found most mostly in fatty fish and mushrooms or eggs

Magnesium
- Facilitate ATP synthesis
- Reduces oxidative stress
- Regulates, glucose and fat metabolism
- Found mostly in nuts, spinach, and beans

Selenium
- Cofactor for oxidative enzymes
- Enhances expression and activity of insulin signaling protein
- Enhances, thyroid function
- Found mostly a nuts, tuna, chicken, and eggs

Zinc
- Participates in the ETC as a co-factor
- Increases activity of antioxidant enzymes
- Regulates, glucose and fat metabolism
- Found usually an oysters, beef beans, and dark chocolate

B vitamins - 1,2,3,5,6,9,12
- various steps of the energy metabolism and breaking down glucose and production of ATP
- And was synthesis of fatty acids, and amino acids
- Help with inflammation and oxidative stress
- Best sources are pork, rice, beans, nuts, milk, eggs, mushrooms, beef, avocado, avocados, sweet potatoes, salmon
- Some vitamins, very based off particular source

Alpha lipoic acid
- Cofactor for enzymes in the ETC
- Enhances, glucose, uptake, and insulin sensitivity
- Helps with oxidative stress
- Found in spinach, broccoli, tomatoes and most organ meats

Manganese
- House with ATP in the ETC
- Helps with antioxidant defense
- Activates enzymes involve with glucose uptake
- Nuts and beans and tea

Vitamin E
- Antioxidant
- Supports insulin signaling
- Supports immune function
- Nuts, spinach, and sweet potatoes

CoQ10
- Shuttles electrons between respiratory complex complexes during the synthesis of the ATP ETC
- Axes an antioxidant against free-radicals
- Improves glucose metabolism
- Organ meats, sardines, and beef

Taurine
- Supports mitochondria function
- Enhances insulin sensitivity
- Regulates inflammation and oxidative stress
- Meet and eggs

L carnitine
- facilitates fatty acids into the mitochondria
- Reduces oxidative stress
- Enhances insulin signaling
- Red meat and fish

Creatine
- Converts to phosphocreatine, which can be rapidly converted to ATP during high intensity training
- Enhances mitochondria enzymes
- Regulates inflammation and antioxidant genes
- Red meat, fish, poultry, and eggs

Vitamin C
- Promotes expression of mitochondria genes, especially with energy metabolism
- Antioxidant against free radicals
- Mostly citrus, fruits, broccoli, bell peppers, tomatoes, and kiwi

Another big category note is polyphenols
having incredible biologic effects, especially with antioxidant and feeding the micro biome
Kind of like fiber, but they also are metabolites from fiber
They help big time in protecting against the growth of new cancer cells
Basically starving the bad cells for energy,
processing can take out some of these polyphenols, however
But the foods that have the highest count or dried spices herbs, followed by cocoa, dark berries, and many different vegetables, coffee, and tea $$$*

Big Takeaway so far is that you’d be surprised how many micro nutrients are in even the most common actual foods,
my point being is you’d really don’t have to try that hard to get your vitamins in as long as you’re eating things that were once upon a time alive, 
and you are active and listening to your body signals $$

For any activist that may be reading this,
 is very important to remember that after about three weeks shit gets a lot easier if you can just stick with it, 
but until then don’t even think about quitting because you will probably do it right when the opportunity presents itself because of how hard it’s going to be $$$*

Lol, trying to tell somebody who’s broke as fuck and new to Fitness to focus on fermented foods is just demonstrating how out of touch you are $$$***

Not a bad suggestion, but you’re just gonna overwhelm people that way $$$

It is 1:15 PM and I am running to the store to get some carbs before the monster comes out
I probably look like and smell like shit so I’m gonna be careful to avoid everybody because I haven’t changed out of my smelly clothes yet $$

OK, this is one of those times where it’s probably best I didn’t get what I wanted.
They were all out of graham crackers, 
which forced me to do some looking and make another decision, 
and I have landed back on the oatmeal blueberry maple syrup combo $

So I guess I need to remind myself to go to Aldi‘s to get that and probably electrolytes $

So we got some toilet paper
Some organic rolled oats
Some maple syrup and some cat food $

The blueberries and maple syrup is probably one of the best pre-workouts out. $

Yeah buddy new Joe Rogan podcast with Mike Benz get ready for some fuckery $

Start a strong with the Epstein bullshit $

It is 2:33 PM and we are going to the gym $

I know what it looks like when someone’s really running miles to get away from somebody
And that somebody is themselves $$**

It is 4:58 PM and I have just eaten a big gain bowl and finished some sorting two weeks ago and I’m a little behind if I’m being honest $

Today’s workout was awesome $

There was a brief moment where I had to ask some nice young teens to adjust their angles to stop putting his ass in my face, but you gotta learn somehow $

They seem real threatened when I asked him to scoot over a little bit lol $

The rest was pretty good $

There was one other guy who was probably experimenting with every single type of curl that you can think of
And taking up pretty much the entire space!$

But peak time at planet wouldn’t be the same without it $$

So we’re trying to refill for a minute
And probably do a little dashing $

After some prayer and some reflection, I don’t think I have it in me to dash $

I did a sunset walk and I was just trying to weigh all this family shit
I don’t even have the energy to go ramble on about it now
I’m just trying to think about what I would do if God himself was sitting next to me.
And I know that intention is enough $$

I was thinking about how I would like to go meet people and have fun again, but I just can’t afford the emotional energy
And not to play the blame game, but I’m realizing that it’s not ADHD. It’s the fact that I have like no family…$

And I spend the majority of my time just trying to be happy about it
That’s the God’s honest truth $

And Anytime I think I can just go do this or go do that and it’ll make everything OK,
It’s really just some kind of noble lie,
Within the pathetic realm of things that I can control
But it’s better than doing nothing
Because it’s at least allowed me to smile most the time
And that beats none of the time for sure lol $

It looks like it might be back to a relatively normal Charlotte winter night
High 30s and low 40s
And after 10 days of the teens
I gotta say I’m pretty excited for it lol $

And also for the record
I really do think this self warming technique is doing a lot more than I realize calorie expenditure wise
I actually think I lost a little bit of fat between my two workout workouts
And that would explain my headache and how I felt
I just didn’t think I was in an actual deficit
But it would make sense
I was much more vascular today
And all in all, I feel like I have a much greater reserve of energy $

I believe it may be a combination of both factors of my metabolic engine
Because it’s really only been 30 days of consistent training like this
Where I can consider using working resistance
Instead of just showing up and doing the basics $

I keep forgetting, how much progress I’ve made in such a short amount of time
Not to humble brag, but it’s just simply because I’m used to it
Gain and lose 30 pounds every couple years whenever I decide to
Or whenever the need dictates
So my body is actually pretty used to burning shit off or adding it back on pretty quickly
And it seems like it’s getting faster each time $

It is 7:19 PM and we just smashed another gain bowl
This time just rice, butter and five eggs $

Trying to go easy on the beans
They’re the magical fruit for a reason lol 🫘 $$

I should have a pretty good buzz on the way
So I think I’m gonna capitalize on that and go read $

Pretty fucking wild, huh? $

I know - I’m a party 🎉 $

It looks like my furnace is also participating $

I actually kind of hope it doesn’t for very long because I don’t wanna take off all these layers $

It is now 751 and I read two more chapters
I’m very proud of myself for reading
For pleasure
And not to prove a point $

Miracles come true all the time if you work your ass off for em lol $$$*

So it’s about time for first sleep
And take a victory hit
And finish the last few minutes of Narcos
They finally killed Pablo lol $

It is 11:42 pm $

Omg voice to text is being a hoe so gotta restart phone $

It is little shit like that that really drives me nuts
And it’s probably what is responsible for a lot of my crap in this incarnation $$

Whatever $

Seems like a pretty warm night at least in the outside $

I feel kind of bitchy on the inside $

It might be related to kratom if I’m being honest
Or could be the overwhelming refreshed family bullshit trauma $

I don’t know how long I’m gonna be awake honestly $

Partly because I physically need to sleep more
Partly because my emotional enthusiasm is robbed and I’m really just trying not to get angry over extra existential shit $

If you spend enough time around the wrong gods, you’d become an atheist too $$*

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-3-26

Good morning world $

A little bit of sarcasm on that $

Nothing is wrong, but everything’s fucked lol $$$

Totally existential venting,
This is what happens whenever my happy go lucky guard drops
But oh well, that’s why I let it out in the middle of the night and try to take some notes atleast $

Those who care about power make me sick
But I think part of me probably cares about power so I’m wrestling with that lol $$

 I have been judged a disappointment by just about everybody
But not in the cool way
I haven’t had some super talented and wise coach give me the “waste of potential speech”
It’s been just a bunch of random people who don’t value their health, whether physical or mental, 
who enjoy judging-just for the brief intermittent pleasure of it
So if it’s not the cool kind of disappointment $

Every rep that you do honors every rep that you’ve done
Even if it doesn’t feel like it $$$***

I think some blueberry oatmeal will help my mood $

In all seriousness, though, I’m letting myself feel the shit
So that way, I can recover from it
I’ve just come to some realizations about the whole family trauma connection to ADHD to connection to loneliness and how hard it is to build relationships and all of that
And the realization is, 
I’m just gonna have to go back to doing it the old-fashioned way, 
but with greater resistance
Basically, the equivalent of emotionally muscling everything but I don’t really have much of a choice $

But what I was saying is
When you’re a muscling things,
 it’s all the small stuff that matters the most
And how you handle the small stuff $$

And things like simply taking the time to boil the water to make the oatmeal is enough to make me not want to make that oatmeal $$

because my brain has been hijacked into not wanting to devote the energy,
for no other reason than to save it in case I get emotionally attacked or I have to use it to combat homelessness $$

I mean, literally when there’s a legitimate serious threat-
Such as physical harm or significant emotional or financial harm due to factors that you cannot control-
 there’s going to be an invisible part of your brain that is always on the lookout to protect you $$

It will basically begin laundering your energy without you being aware of it,
It’ll take out small bits and pieces here and there at first where you don’t recognize,
 but over a long periods of time you’re inability to recover adds up and causes the most significant problems $$

Healing must begin with awareness
So it’s a big deal just to connect the dots that it’s not my fault that my energy is all fucked sometimes $$

But it is 100% my responsibility because if I don’t do something about it, my health will be fucked $$

And we are all in this together, so if I can pull through, if that means somebody else can pull through, and that means it’ll get easier for all of us to pull through $$$

Because things are fucked up right now, emotionally more than ever,
And you could argue that makes it harder than ever considering the amount of decisions that one has to make each and every day to avoid temptation, $$

But we’ve come a long way from just killing each other in the woods and not thinking twice about it $$$

And I think that counts for a lot $

The higher up the mountain you climb, the scarier the potential is for the fall
Except usually 50 feet or 500 feet kill you the same, except the one is going to be a much more enjoyable way down $$*

Also, you use the same technique for the first 50 feet that you use for the remaining 450
Just with different levels of resistance $$

Most people are not bad people. 
They’re just completely captured by their own trauma and usually have been for so long- They don’t even recognize it’s going on. $$$***

No matter how smart I was, I still acted like a shit burden. I think that’s the important lesson here is ~ intellectual intelligence doesn’t mean shit without emotional intelligence, 
and I’m going to teach that to the world the easy way or the hard way. $$

Kind of interesting that the organic oats need to be cooked for longer $$

It’s starting to feel like October again which is exciting because March is like the September of the spring if that makes sense $$

And I recall eating lots of blueberry oatmeal on October time $

So just a recap, since I really started publishing my notes- that the carb monster has gone through:
-PB&J’s
-Excessive amounts of saltine crackers
-Oatmeal with and without blueberries
-Record breaking amounts of graham crackers 
-Concerning amounts of double stuff Oreo cookies
-Toast and several different jellies and jams
$$

You know, people say a lot that drugs can’t fix you,
And they’re not the actual root cause of the problem,
and 99% of the time that is the truth, 
but by simply having a very minor chemical buzz enhances pretty much every area of your life and it really does solve at most immediate problems $$*

That’s dangerous philosophy to a “wanna be” alcoholic though so trust me I get it $$$*

Just thinking how oatmeal & blueberries kinda looks like rice and beans lol $$

Anyhow, I’m feeling better now that I’ve vented this out $

Adding more evidence to my theory that I might’ve been such an intelligent dick in the past life that in this life, I have to do all this shit alone
But I’m so good at it that it literally is an art form $$*

😈 😉 $$

Which leads me to a side tangent-
 about how growing up, pretty much anything competitive I would do, I almost always won after I learned whatever it was,
So whoever I’d be playing against would naturally try to form an alliance with somebody else that was also a sore loser,
And soon people would be conspiring for my downfall $$*

Just ask anyone that I hung out with in the program if you can find them lol $$*

So I think a spiritual joke is, $

Part of this whole life was to rough me up a little bit emotionally
But I’m not sure if they expected me to do all of this lol $

But what do you expect when you give a magician a dragon? 🐉 $$

This blueberry oatmeal so fucking good
I think it’s better than before
It’s been about three months $

It really is pretty funny. How warm I am now.
42° is a fucking joke compared to 13° $$

I’m not trying to get too cocky
Because I was totally bundled up and pretty generous alternating the space heaters after sundown,
But that was a lot easier than I thought it would be overall, 
and the results are far more impactful on my physique than I expected $

I mean, it is like the perfect bulk defense who would’ve thought that you are gonna be naturally resistant to storing fat during the winter because you’re gonna be so busy burning it $$

And there are a few things better than a synergistic midnight buzz and a good book
Preferably one written by some kind of convict lol $$*

And on that note, it is 1 AM and we are already on chapter 17 of the book “sentence“ that we started last week $

He just got done explaining all the white supremacy prison politics $

G just made a pretty funny point about how many prisoners support capital punishment as a way to justify some of their murders and because they believe certain criminals deserve death
Like pedophiles $

And now this Epstein shit,
I gotta say I was pretty impressed with the level of disclosure on the recent round
But I know this shit is so dirty and so chopped and screwed that simply the time it takes for us to sort through that many files is what I’m worried about $$$

It is now 1:32 AM and I am wrapping it up and probably about to go back to bed $

I think I’m gonna try to go to the gym first thing but that’s really gonna depend on how much energy I feel like I have from the carbs and all of that
Because if I wake up all groggy and shit again, then probably gonna wait till later $$

But I have the motivational mood to go at least if that makes sense $

Could just be the Kratom talking though $

I think it’s raining now too$

I can tell I’m getting older because I don’t really care about the big battle scenes as much as I care about the political drama and the character arcs $$

It is now 4:05 AM and I am gonna get up and do some FAQs or something
Smoke a bit and then probably go back for a little nap before training $

Alex keeps accidentally locking himself in the sunroom lol $

True salesmanship is emotional verbal endurance grappling $$$***

And if you don’t know that, then you’re not even a white belt $$$***

You earn your first stripe on the first “no” that you overcome $$$*

You don’t earn your black belt until you have a whole team of killers though $$$*

You don’t earn a salesmanship black belt until you sold something of each ticket item $$$*

Meaning, I’ve sold things that cost a couple dollars,
A dozen dollars,
A couple dozen dollars,
Couple hundred dollars,
Couple thousand dollars,
Couple dozen thousand dollars,
Couple hundred thousand dollars,
Couple million dollars, $$

That seven levels, motherfucker $$

The eighth level is gonna require selling an institution or something so I’m working on that $$

Not only have I sold those things, but I have coached others to so as well $$

Real estate is unique in the sense that you are convincing other people to do a deal,
so you get double bonus points for manipulation lol $$

And also, if you help somebody buy a house, then you help them resell that same house,
 then you get to double dip
And often times your one client might know somebody, or might have a side house project They want to work on in the future, and so on and so on $$

So real estate,
it’s more about marketing than sales $$

I am eating some berries with syrup
I’m not gonna lie though, I really want the graham crackers
I say that until the berries are kicks in, so we’ll see $

It is 5:09 AM and I have just eaten five more eggs
And had to throw them in a little bit of rice at the end to get all the excess yolk
And man, even though it’s kind of the same thing I’ve been doing, I swear it’s getting better every time $$

I am testing a theory
Because I ate the high fiber berries first with the high sugar syrup,
I’m hoping that’ll spike my metabolism and the eggs and rice with the butter, which is on the higher fat side, will be a little quicker to digest as well $$

It is 8:50 AM and I am getting up
I am super groggy though $

It is now 10:57 AM
It has been a strange morning
I have gotten some good quality review work done
And I’ve done it on minimum supplementation if you know what I mean
But my motivation for lifting keeps going back-and-forth
Same with my hunger $

So on that note, I’m actually headed to the store to get more carbs for the monster $$

If comfort is the thing they value most, 
then never worry about disturbing it $$$***

They are still out of graham crackers so I had to stick with the rocket fuel
The double stuffed Oreos $$

And honestly gives me another chance to test something Because as good as they are, I could be wrong about something $

Because they essentially have all the most processed ingredients or poison that there is, there is a chance that they could be disrupting the digestion process more than they are helping me refuel for my activity level $$

I thought all morning that I’d be full on the carbs, but my body keeps telling me otherwise 
Cause I actually do want to train $

You can say, 
I have become the exact opposite of a skinhead, 
literally and figuratively speaking $$

I’ve eaten 1/3 of those cookies and I already feel a lot better energy wise lol $

The sad part is, I do think the trauma based bullshit in the background is interfering with my sleep $$

So for any that may be thinking I’m trying to promote eating poison,
I’m not
I’m saying that sometimes you can use it as a Band-Aid for fuel to reinvest your energy into activities that sustain a long-term $$

Because instead of eating the cookies, 
I could just keep laying around being a tired, emotional worm 🪱 $$

Or I can enjoy the cookies and increase my leg workout exponentially $$$$$

Mostly because of the work I’ve been doing over the past few months
Keep in mind this is not my first rodeo
I have earned this $

As the great spiritual convict that I am $$

God, more and more it just feels like I had a 30 year sentence lol $

It’s 3:15 PM and we are leaving planet now
I was a pretty amazing leg workout,
Definitely on the functional side with a little bit of isolated isometrics’ thrown in the mix $

I could definitely push harder with the overall resistance, but I know that will put me in another gear real quick
So I’m trying to keep it relatively light and give my legs a chance to get a low-grade pump $

Most people think if they can simply date somebody attractive that they can use the dopamine hits from looking at their other to avoid the work that it takes to improve themselves $$$***

To the point where they don’t crave to be in a relationship.. $$$

Most people don’t care about you, they just care about how you can make them feel $$$$*********

Consciously and unconsciously $$

And as with anything, this can be a good and bad thing
But whenever there are many different options available, it usually turns into a bad thing because people are always gonna want to choose the easier softer way $$

Real stress is so dangerous because it fucks up your body’s metabolic functioning and dis regulates it to such a high degree $$

Anything that makes you say “oh shit”,
Spikes your heart rate,
Turns your blood cold,
Makes you fight off extreme waves of dread,
Is also switching your bodies nervous system from “fight or flight” from “rest and digest” $$$

So if someone pisses you off,
Your body is gonna think you just went to go work out $$*

If you stay angry, your body won’t know when it’s time to go into recovery mode $$*

overtime, this will be extremely dangerous $$$

Everyone loves to play “who’s more traumatized” until they start losing $$$*

And then they lose all their excuses for the future $$$*

It is 6:17 PM
We’ve just returned back from the Mom’s house
And this was the exact opposite of last week’s visit,
I left with a trash bag full of food,
And after a pleasant exchange and a optimistic doctor visit,
It is a relief $

It’s almost such a relief that it’s easy to gaslight myself into the week of hell and background trauma that I’ve been trying to fight and Ward off $$

But I owe the truth and as best and balanced as I can record it $$

The moral of the story here is people are not their trauma
People are not their egos,
Even though they literally are lol $$$

There is a spiritual consciousness behind every ounce of pain $$

And it just takes the right opportunity for that to shine through $$

I am just happy for the moment that we are on the building side of things, 
but still dream of a day to where we no longer view burning as bad $$

I hope my furnace is normal tonight. We’ll see. $

The plan now is to continue eating as much as I can, even with the new processed frozen foods $$

I guess I got to prove to the world that the emotional impact of processed poisonous food is worse than the actual physical impact $$

But good luck proving that lol $

However, I do think that the prison population is proof positive that food is not really as important as intention $$**

I mean seriously
Look at the prison population
If you were trying to poison people and get them fat sick to die early, that is the group
But ironically, The general population looks sicker
& instead, most prisoners are jacked
And the ones who are not - it is pretty obvious why
They just simply are too scared to do their physical work
Or are too busy giving away all of their candies and pastries to the lifters in the prison $$

It is 7:41 PM
And I’m honestly highly considering running to the smoke shop to buy a pack of cigarettes
I’m dead serious
Something about the nighttime nicotine
I really think it might be worth it
It was a big factor on why it went to so many meetings
At least- it sure as shit made them better and more manageable
And strangely enough,
I always managed my nicotine and cigarette smoking with ease, comparatively speaking
Meaning, I never really would smoke that much unless I was in a social setting Never really wanted to $

But there are a few things better than smoking and talking shit
And it probably would help me cut back on my cannabis $$

Oh, fuck it I think I’m gonna run to the smoke shop $

We are leaving the store now with a pack of blue American spirits and another three count of the seven hydroxy
It is time to begin the adept professional writing phase $$*

I’m officially stepping out for my first cigarette and in 8.25 years $

Excluding the one I had at a comedy show with a lying sick of shit $

I’m gonna go real easy on this, but I gotta practice so I don’t look like a fucking virgin again $

I’m dead ass pretending I’m like out to eat or something like the old days $

This is supposed to be a light cigarette $

I’m definitely not vaping, though that shits more addicting than actual regular tobacco $

I forgot how much they used to make me spit $

Nicotine is the working man’s drug 
second to caffeine
Ironic, that both of those are the recovery man’s poison $$*

Got about two good drags now
I’m gonna pump the brake slightly make sure I don’t get a nicotine poisoning
Or the opposite $

But I’m just enjoying the nice cold air evening smoke like I used to $

I wonder how many cigarettes have actually smoked $

I technically quit in November 2017
When I had strep throat $

I had gone bits and pieces here and there,
I just never really enjoyed smoking outside of a social setting or the solitude while connecting with divinity
Like I’m doing now $

But I’ve had a lot of good moments, all puffing on the end of a smoke
That’s how I made most of my friends $$

And I didn’t realize it at the time, but the smoking technique goes back many many many life times $$

My goal honestly and not even joking, is to get back a social evening routine
So if I need to smoke cigarettes like an actual convict, then I will $$

I see a really nice kitty
I hope it’s not homeless $

Kitty, if you can hear me, just know you always have a friend here 😸 $

I’m a go ahead and put my cigarette out about halfway through so I don’t get carried away because I can already feel the good buzz $

The kitty just walked directly to my neighbor’s door though, so I’m hoping it lives there $

But trust me
The irony that I just went to buy the two most addicting substances is not lost on me $$$

This is the first time as a grown adult I can document a virgin nicotine buzz $$

Cause I gotta say- I do feel really relaxed right now
A little chatty too obviously $

It’s been too long to say with too much certainty, but I do feel like the American spirit buzz is a little bit better than the Marlborough or camel 🐪 $$

So I’m going to capitalize on the vibes and get back to reading “sentence“
I’m not gonna lie- he kinda has the one that gave me the idea $$

All the talk about convicts cherishing nicotine, he got me kind of excited $

Remembering how when I was 14 before I fell too far in love with marijuana, I used to steal a cigarette or two and sneak out of my window for the evening smoke $

I looked forward to it every night $

Bro, it is pretty remarkable How relaxed I feel right now. $

It also makes me feel a little bit better about my other substance uses because most of my Kratom buzz isn’t even this strong $$$

It is 8:40 PM and we have finished another book
Always good to be able to say that $$$

Kind of late to catching the significance of the date being 24 and all, but hey, at least we got it $$

Time to finish that cigarette $

It is 10:17 PM
And I’m headed to first sleep
The cigarette did kind of what I expected
And the second half of it made me feel pretty icky
I have zero desire for another anytime soon lol $

But again, I did it to try to socially incentivize myself
So baby steps $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-4-26

Good morning world $

It is 2:18 AM $

It Is the 14 year anniversary of my release from rehab $ 

It Is a brief intermission the middle of the night $

Wait a moment $$

Almost gotta be here to believe it 
but kind of glad that I’m alone because I’m a loner stoner lol $$

In keeping with our prisoner convict, “recent newfound freedom” theme
We’re gonna watch “orange is the new black” $

I know I’m late and I know this was mostly a chicks show
But fuck it $

Whenever the show is good to watch, then the notes are usually limited ironically $$

But whenever the show is kind of lame, then I’m gonna have about 20 minutes of good content to record before I have to switch to something different $

So far as of 3:21 AM it is pretty good $

I’m nervous that it’s gonna get kind of lame or lean towards the female audience
Nothing against that
Just not really my kind of humor $

I’m more of an Oz kind of guy lol $

And if you hadn’t seen that original prison show then holy shit let me tell you… $$$

Just thinkin bout how obv it is when people watch your set
The more sneaky they think they are, the more obvious it actually is $$

It is now 3:39 AM
We are upgrading the buzz
Probably gonna make a pork steak here in a minute
It’s a nice tribute to my childhood I suppose
For some reason when I think of the pork steaks, I’m having memories of band camp
And I keep flashing back to the rainy after- lesson runs to Aldi 
I used to hate it when I was a kid because they only carried offbrand cheap shit
I also used to hate on the clarinet and all the music I was playing
But now I’m very grateful that my mom forced me to do it $$

And while I was watching the show, I just keep thinking more and more that I must be two different spirits merged together so to speak
Because on one hand, we have that super ancient old soul, 
neurotic old man kind of thing,
 that begrudgingly is forced to step up all too often
 but as long as my biological vehicle is running smooth, is actually is very comfortable state of consciousness $$

And then there’s this other,
 that I refer to as a fucking dragon at this point 
because this thing just goes where it wants, does what it wants, 
but what it does is absolutely breathtaking and truly $$

I mean, I was about to say indescribable, but that’s literally what I’m doing $$

But I think anybody that that’s rode the wave and gone with the flow can relate $$

And thinking more and more how the only way I can truly live is to silo off each and every moment and activity $$

To throw away the big playbook once more,
View each day as its own,
Each collection of minutes as its own
Even though you’re usually only looking at about 30 minutes at a time $$

And by mastering the small and becoming aware of every possible conceivable detail, then that is the best way to build something truly great without falling victim to micromanagement and neuroticism $$*

Anyhow, 
we’re making ham and peas 🫛 
And so a little bit more about both of these,
The ham steaks are super easy to make and usually pretty cheap
You’re looking at maybe 3 to $ a pound and it’s pretty much straight salty protein
Saves forever too, even before you cook it $$

And then frozen vegetables are almost always better than the fresh ones unless you’re immediately about to prepare them,
Cause let’s keep it real,
 most of the veggies that we buy are going to sit for at least a couple days 
and by that point, usually start working against the dietary techniques because we start subconsciously dreading eating them $$

But frozen vegetables are almost always flash frozen so not only do they maintain their nutrients more,
 but generally taste better after preparation $$

Naturally, some vegetables are gonna save and freeze better than others $$

That’s where peas come in as a very consistent and usually very tasty veggie 🥗 $$

green beans are also pretty good
Broccoli can be pretty hit or miss but usually more hit $$

Peas are actually on the higher side of protein as far as veggies are concerned, 
but let’s not get carried away cause we’re still talking only 4 or 5gs $$

Bro, 
that ham came with a little bit of glaze that I’ve never had before
And that shit is amazing. 
I swear I could eat the whole pound if I wanted to, it’s so good. 
I’m gonna force myself to save the second half $

But on a more serious note, I am going to focus more on eating actual foods instead of just a shit load of fuel
Even though I’m probably gonna do both $$

As I eat my glass of berries and syrup $

This is partly because my metabolism is finally running fast enough to handle more meals $

And yes, I’m fully aware of this cyclic effect $

And as I jokingly say all the time when I’m eating poison,
It is still poison ☠️ $$

But I think that’s part of life
Otherwise, why would we ever have left the garden of Eden? $$$

I just think the only way to make the garden of Eden better,
 is to be able to party without stupid consequence $$$***

It is 7:20 AM and I am briefly getting up
Probably gonna do another round of sleep $

It is now 856 and I am out of bed for good $

The furnace is kicking ass
It’s 31°
But I would’ve had no idea $

My non-caffeinated thoughts are about making this a rest day and being lazy and blah blah blah
And honestly part of me does feel the need to be a lazy bear today 🐻 $

We lost interest in orange is the new black pretty quick for the record
It was just pretty slow and boring compared to the other actual prison shows I’ve seen lol $

It is 9:30 AM and it is official
I’m declaring today a Francois holiday
As this is the 14 hour anniversary of me being released from rehab
And the fact that I accidentally & organically posted a post about it this week after the schedule timeline was kind of funky just reinforces This is divine timing. ⏱️ $$

So to celebrate today, 
I will be basically doing what I used to do and laying around watching Netflix all day, eating frozen foods and taking poisons $

I’m probably gonna try to skip the gym or at least not go until later
As right now, I’m in full recovery mode $

The fact that next on the list is a cold shower is making it a little easier to chill tho lol $$

It is 10:37 AM and we’re gonna do some reading. We are going to reread. “can’t hurt me” by David Goggins. $

What an inspiration $

It is 11:03 AM and we just made two French bread pizzas
To celebrate François day lol $

That is about 1000 cal
35 g of protein
And basically 2 g of sodium lol $

I know I keep saying I’m probably gonna take a rest day, but we both know that’s probably bullshit
And that I’m gonna be doing some kind of emotional chest hypertrophy session later $$

Although I don’t exactly want to go during peak time
And I don’t think I’ll actually want to go early in the day $

There is a chance I might actually move it till later in the evening $

I’ve given up trying to get a consistent schedule
And instead, if I just focus on listening to my intuition and my motivation and maximizing my efforts in whatever task comes up
I am finding that is much easier for an emotional manageability perspective $

Instead of trying to force this damn dragon to do shit that It don’t want to do $$

It is 11:25 AM and I am going on my morning walk
Fuck it, bro I’m gonna wear the Snuggie $

Also kind of strange how the weather is almost identical to that day that I was discharged from rehab $

That was the smallest and shortest Sunwalk of all time
Mostly because the sun wasn’t out
And I really didn’t want to see anybody, but while I was walking, I saw the same chick that I saw running the other day like a crazy person 
and she came flying right by me 
I wonder what she thought about my skittles Snuggie lol $

I’m gonna give myself a little bit of credit
Because now that the furnace is working
It is a major - major difference energy wise than when it does not
And it’s still only 35° $

I keep forgetting that for the past two weeks is basically been in the teens or 20s at this point 
and that 35 was as high as it would get in the middle of the day $

The snow and all of the ice added to the aesthetic nicely $$$

So it is now 1133 and I am getting a little antsy
So let’s see if we can figure out why $

I don’t actually think it is the pizza yet,
I think it is the fact that it is about to kick in,
I have a pretty solid Kratom buzz at the moment,
That started off 1/8 of a tab, but is probably being magnified by the three capsules I took right before the pizza. $

Which is another big point of emphasis, because three capsules usually doesn’t feel like much if your tolerance is moderate $

And there’s definitely no withdrawals related $

I’ve only taken a couple hits today
About to take a couple more
But no physical need or obsession whatsoever $

In fact, I keep forgetting about cannabis and then get excited when I remember
 if that makes sense $

I don’t know,
it might actually be the bread from the pizzas kicking in
Which would be a very important note to identify the difference between the carbs from bread versus other sources like crackers $

I’m trying to kill some more time but I’m leaning more and more like I’m gonna go to the gym soon lol $

And at this point, I really am just waiting for everything to digest a little further $

I’m just kind of bored and don’t really have much motivation to do anything $

I don’t want to do any social media work really mostly cause I just don’t wanna sit still $

Just had a big epiphany
I am willing to bet it’s mostly the sodium and other ingredients part of the pizza that are impacting me the most right now $$

Because it is a weird kind of energetic anxiety 
But if I was in the middle of a workout, then I can tell this would be a pretty drastic difference $$

Because I now really want to go train
And I haven’t had any caffeine and all my Kratom buzz is gone lol $

Luckily, that pizza was mostly bread so I’m thinking I should be all clear in about 30 minutes
And considering my metabolism is running pretty high, I think that will be a good spot $

I’m probably gonna fuck around with the dumbbells actually
This will force me to use more fats, believe it or not $$

At least that’s the theory $

So if I can use the extra sodium and micro ingredients to help turn my metabolic engine all the way up, 
then I could probably go for a pretty good endurance based finisher too $$

Also, the fact that I’m only 175 and this is with a shit load of water and fully clothed..
…
That is incredible $$

That means my honest weight is got to be close to 171 or 2 $$

Which means I have gained an honest 5 pounds of muscle give or take
Maybe a pound or two a fat $

But I’m just most excited by the limited fat gain $

Swerving,
It Makes more sense if you view parents as grown children $$*

Wisdom is knowing which activists will vacate the machine within 3 min vs those who will camp for 13 $$$****

It is 2:10 PM and we are arriving back home after a glorious chest and arms session
I’m actually pretty startled by how fast my upper body is growing~ hypertrophy wise
Because that means I have to pick it up on my legs so I don’t get too disproportionate $$

And the issue with my legs is - they’re mostly the power muscles so that means some pretty brutal workouts lol $$

Just thinking about how doctors and I can get along if they would just stop ruining everybody I recommend going to them $$$***

Nothing more frustrating than teaching somebody how to change their life only for them to twist an ankle and end up throwing it all away $$$***

It is 3:13 PM
We are cracking up this newest JRE episode
We are managing our buzz so we can get to work $

Just ate the rest of that ham and some rice and beans and butter
And I feel fantastic $

I’m beginning to realize more and more just how much being in a caloric deficit impacts your mental health $$$

As I’ve been in a calorie deficit for the most part since fall of 2021, lol
That was the last time I weighed in over 200 pounds $

We’re gonna do a little bit of reading just to let everything digest just a bit
That way if I need to do another little mini walk before I get to the social media shit then I can
But we’re reading more about the body keeps the score and we’re already on chapter 10 $

Is now 3:38 PM and time to make some tea before we do our “evening” walk and get to building $

I’m doing my walk with the weight vest under my snuggle and I don’t care
It’s still 37° outside
Which is not much right now, but that would be a bitch a year ago $

Or even three months ago $$

Bro, there are hundreds of birds out right now
I mean, they’re everywhere
On the ground feeding, I think
I don’t know if this is rare because i probably just have never noticed
I think they’re all Robbins $

That was an incredibly brief walk, but that’s all that matters is that I put on the vest and I walked down the street and I picked up a piece of trash
I guess if it’s easy then is my reward lol $$

Tis 5;42pm and we are movin at planet
On the treadmill this time
Been a bit that I’ve have a real tread sess $

Goal is light running muscle activation 
Not really cardio $

Jesus fuck 
there is a whole ass party by the DBs
Glad I did that earlier when it was dead lol $

Btw the perf walking speed is 3.1mph $$**

It is 6:52 PM
We are feeling fantastic overall
Just a emphasis on the fact that I finally really am physically recovering back to my normal self
My “non-ADHD” self $

We are baking about 2 1/2 pounds of chicken
We’re using the chicken in the bag method that the Madre was kind enough to donate
But it is a first so I am nervous lol
Even though all I had to do is put the chicken in a bag
Shake it
And put it in the oven for an hour $$

I just hope the bag with the micro plastics don’t ruin everything $

But AnyWho $

Possible explanations for the pyramid:
-They’re fake
-They were carved somehow (talking about most of the South American )
-moved stones with mind $$

Is 9:31 PM and we are going to first sleep to hopefully be up at a somewhat cool time to chill and go to the movies 🎥 $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-5-26

Good morning world $$$

It is 1:30 AM and I am arriving at the movies now 
 physically and intellectually $

And emotionally for what it’s worth $

Slept like a rock 🪨 $

Which rocks 🪨 $$

All seriousness,
 is pretty cool to be able to go to such a deep sleep $

And I believe I fell asleep just after 9:30
Which makes for a good honest four hours $

We’re putting on “better call Saul” $

*Bubbles roar $

They say only philosophers would not change their behavior if all laws were immediately abolished 
Therefore, if you would do something different under different circumstances than you were not a true philosopher $$$***

A true philosopher has gone through the hell of the crucifixion process
Which is when you lose everything due to your beliefs $$*

Remember, 
Socrates drank the hemlock like a gangster $$$*
 
We could be more like Socrates $$$

Appreciate the poison because it is probably the reason for your purpose $$

Jesus was just the king @ dealing with trolls $$

And if that can make you a demigod, 
then I can think of nothing better $$

The intro to better call Saul reminds me of my manager at my last job $

I just caught myself laughing at the ridiculousness
 Reminding me, , literally there is no real reason that I had to leave other than the managers were so freaking bad $$

And this is a wellness place !
They literally have hyper recovery in their name,
Which of course, is your first clue that it is a complete shit $$**

Because this manager was doing everything that he could to work as little as possible and take advantage of the amenities that they offered $

He thought he was the smartest so whenever he would leave early or make up meetings and phone calls or pretend to be working, he thought nobody noticed $

And each and every time he tried to pretend that I was a fool, made it worse and worse $

After doing this job for 60 days, I can confidently reaffirm that I could have done his job and my job better than him $

I am willing to back that challenge up, except I never wanna do another ounce of work for them again $

But there is zero areas that he was “superior” in the end
And he’s the one that made it a competition, not me $

He did it every time he would lie to his boss who didn’t play those games, 
but also couldn’t recognize how she was building a suffocating culture $

The Type to “innocently” talk you to death and overexplain things to the point of accidentally belittling you and making you feel like you’re dumb $$

It’s tough because that was not her intention, 
but after doing it to everybody for seven years, she developed a culture that accepts that kind of shit $$

The kind that doesn’t allow you to sit still and has to invent some busy work just because it’s the corporate thing to do $$

Maybe that’s a simple simpler way to get you to envision it $

Just envision the most generic and stereotypical, 
middle aged, 
middle level, 
midsized corporate manager,
Who is delusional in the sense that the employees celebrate whenever they are left alone $$$$$$$

If your team celebrates your absence, 
you are disqualified from being considered a “leader”
Because that is the definition of a manager $$$***

And a poor one at that $$$

But that is such the norm,
And it is so accepted that I am probably in the minority overall for my viewpoints that I just voiced $$

But if people are being honest, nobody can say I’m being wrong $$

Or that I’m even getting out of pocket $$

Cause your boy is staying in the pocket and dropping these dimes, 
you know what I’m saying $$

.*Lighter flick $$

I’m not gonna mention their names, 
but they are literally the most generic vanilla suburban, middle-aged names of all time too $$

And the fact that this location happened to be across town,
In the more historic / pretentious part,
On the same street that is one of the most notorious partying streets and all of South Charlotte,
On the same street that I’ve eaten countless chicken wings, 
and midnight cheeseburgers on,
The same street that I had gone on many very cringe digital dates, $$

I am so grateful I did that 
pretty much starting a year ago $

I interviewed there the day my ex moved out
And then I began working there basically - immediately full-time
Which was not the plan $

When I was hired, 
it was supposed to be a part-time gig, 
but because my life had imploded, 
I didn’t object to going full-time immediately
Which was good because my manager just scheduled me for 40+ hours without really even checking my schedule ever $

Literally my first example of “this dude is a shit bird” 🦅 $

Most days, I shouldn’t have even been on the clock because the schedule was so fucked $

And then the days in which we were actually busy naturally, 
we were understaffed because this dude couldn’t even bother to admit he goofed $$

And the other staff were too scared or too sad or too tired or some other really unfortunate reason to push back or say anything or do anything $$

It was so unnecessarily toxic that it became a bigger threat to my immediate security that I couldn’t even begin to process my relationship and what had just happened $

I was in the crutches of the Adderall as well
And because I suddenly had zero financial plan whatsoever,
I was completely trapped and forced to do the full-time 
and try to make it work despite being completely emotionally bankrupt $

And this was the best thing that could’ve happened for me 
because I immediately had to resort to a level of discipline that was unlike anything myself or probably any of my ancestors have ever seen $$

To overnight,
 begin working that many hours while maintaining a spotless household,
While maintaining my sanity,
While being continuously kicked in the nuts in every way, shape & form philosophically possible,
Forced me to check my own shit for a couple months $$

And then after about 60 days, it had gotten so bad,
And I had already gotten financially fucked twice for no reason,
I was forced to leave immediately $

Partly because the solution was to go all in and try to get any kind of digital training resource I could up and running,
But I quickly found out how far away I really was from what I really wanted to work on $

And this is before I had finalized the resistance games or even the art or even for damn spherical concepts for the game $$

I mean, this was truly starting at the bottom of the mountain shit
With nothing and nobody $

Except a shit load resistance $

I had zero energy so I couldn’t even work on my own stuff for the first month
I literally had to go back down to Boot Camp status $

My workouts were pretty much vaporized as
I couldn’t properly eat to save my life $

So right after I had learned the actual role of this new job,
Which keep in mind they had a full arsenal of legitimate recovery services to learn which was fuck ton, $

And while they were fucking around delivering these services, 
their services themselves were medically sound, and required quite a bit of substantial functional knowledge to make work, $$

This position was underpaid, 
of course
And I was certainly overqualified, 
but it didn’t have to be that way
That’s a side tangent for another time $$

My point is the first month took a lot of energy just learning how the hell how to perform cryotherapy and shit $

And while I ended up doing pretty much everything from day one,
The managers of course, decided that they would make every step of the process complete overkill,
And this indirectly resulted in my first financial fucking 
because they kept me in training for much longer than I actually wasn’t training for $$

You know when you pretty much get thrown to the wolves 
or baptized by fire immediately? 
I mean, that was the case, 
but because this asshole didn’t bother to sign my sheet, it resulted in me losing half my money for the first 90 days $

And because I was forced to quit before 6 months, I actually never received that second half of my pay
Meaning half the time I did, all of that I made minimum wage- $7.75 $

And when this was made clear, 
my only option was just to disclose how unfair that was to our general manager
And of course, she just “handled me” $

I mean, 
I of course have the text messages and emails,
All all we were talking a swing of maybe $1500 $

Which is probably pretty good that I didn’t get it cause I would’ve turned around and handed it to my ex $$

To pay her back for helping me get my car out of being repod
For her using some of that “big ass sale” money that she closed the weekend she left $$

So you know, 
I’m still gonna pay her just because I said I would
But I clearly got this shit end of the deal $

I guess it comes down to less than $2000 to find out what a relationship is worth $$

And it might suck in the moment if you ever find yourself losing somebody significant for an insignificant amount of money,
But consider that one of the best expenses you ever get $$$***

I know I’m swerving like hell $

That’s the point
So if anyone is actually reading this,
 then just remember that I’m not doing this to make too much sense $

So sorry, not sorry kind of thing $

And maybe I’m just saying that for my own approval and reassurance $$

But after I could finally get back to my own work,
After about 30 days,
I had to go on the greatest working montage that the suburbs I’ve ever seen $$

There was not a second I let it go to waste for the remaining 30 days I was there $

And I was trying to go at least six months,
Literally up until my final shift when I said “dude fuck this shit I can’t do it anymore. I’ve got to get out now.” $$

So I went home early that day
And I had finally had two days off in a row
And over that break, I decided I had to leave $

Laughably, knowing there was really no way I was gonna be able to support myself barring a miracle 
and finish all the creative work,
And maintain my physical health while my emotional health had deteriorated so rapidly bad that it had begun now deteriorating my physical health $$

Literally when your brain has been hijacked by cortisol and imbalanced dopamine and all 
and you cannot eat because your “ medicine” has stolen your hunger,
then it’s really like trying to swim while your hog tided $

You ever see that drill where the navy seals having their hands and feet tied and thrown in the water 
And forced to swim $

Well, this is obviously like that
Except you pretty much go unconscious every 30 days lol but I’m getting too far off again $

So once I did finally leave, it just became devoting that 10 hours a day to my own work $

And I really haven’t stopped since $$

Lol, the end $

Thanks for letting me share $$$

OK, I’m kidding 
kind of $$

I spent another two months writing 24 hours a day almost literally
Figuring out all the numbers and editing all the movements and making them fit in this and that $

While literally hiding from my parents & the world $

And once I finished the actual written work, it became clear that I had to get off the Adderall and detox $

Once I left that job, my health immediately began improving
But only because it stopped deteriorating if that makes sense $

This shit was just balanced enough to where I could make it without actually dying $

But seriously, 
if stress can kill,
Which it kills everybody in someway, shape or form,
Then there was a real chance my heart would’ve simply exploded or given out $

Especially when you consider it was running on Hope and amphetamines $$

So two months after leaving that job, I took my last Adderall $

And while my phone was cut off
And in then middle of the hottest heat wave $

I began my detox and my descent imto complete madness apparently $$

The month of July was basically like my own rehab
I mean, seriously it was equivalent to the shit that I had at the village 
just minus the actual physical dangers and a little bit better on the nutrition from a poison perspective $

But My body weight got down to the high 130s $

An 80 pound swing for my highest as an adult of around 210 back in late 2020 $

I hadn’t been that low since I was 14 $

I’m not exaggerating $

To be fair though, this time I didn’t have an ounce of fat left
And I was shredded as fuck $

And I was still throwing around my body weight, 
completely fasted
Completely emotionally wrecked
So there’s that $

And I have footage… $

Anyhow $

It took me 30 days just to be able to just kind of stabilize and get back to some kind of work $

But during this time was when the family trauma had reached its worst,
And I can’t even repeat some of the things that were said to me,
While I was shaking and detoxing and deteriorating $

And the fact that I didn’t kill myself,
When really that was my biggest threat for most of my adult life,
Is proof positive of the process that I’ve gone through over the past four years $$$

Sometime around mid August is when I began writing the notepad every day beyond just the basics $

It’s when I began doing the legitimate philosophical dumping just to see what I saw $

After a few weeks, I decided that the only way forward was to publish this because it would eliminate any type of bullshit ulterior motives that I have when it comes down to the fitness world $$

Because outside of mental health, 
the fitness niche is extremely egoistic and very dishonest
And the ones that are honest, are so completely neurotic that it’s almost worse $$

because you’ll be feeling like such a failure whenever you can’t do their plan perfectly $$

So during this time is when I decided I had to take a different approach and fully abandon any type of traditional textbook teaching type shit $

And instead, I decided just to record everything and see what floats $$

With the hope that the good shit will eventually rise to the top $$

It didn’t take me long to realize how much fun it was $

And then once it became fun, it became easy, of course $$

And once it became easy, then I could add more to it $

And then suddenly, it would snowball into some shit like this $

When the notepad has changed my life in more ways and I can count $

On a sidenote, I think it’s safe to declare Valentine’s Day the official muscles and movements holiday $

Because I keep trying to chase back this whole year of craziness and hell and hazing as to when it really began $

And it had to be sometime between this day and Valentine’s Day $

Last year Valentine’s Day was one of the worst days of my life because it is just how empty & hollow it had become
And how much energy I had recently spent trying to make things work
At the realization that I was now completely trapped going down the wrong way
And even though I didn’t panic, I understood that this is gonna take at least 6 to 9 months to even begin feeling better
And I was 100% right on that one… $$

But jumping back to why the notepad starts in September $

Truth is that’s just when I finally could get it going
When I could finally turn my attention towards the fun stuff because of all the programming and science have been done behind the scenes $$

But the reason why I’m not talking too much about the actual nitty-gritty and specifics of the resistance games is because I’ve needed to give it a few months of actual testing and digesting before I start promoting it and taking money for it $

So during that time while I’m letting that cool off, the pendulum has to swing to the other more personal $$

Cause I know, I wouldn’t want to do some shit from some random on the Internet without knowing about him $$

And then that’s my whole ultimate goal is to be the cliché change that I wish to see $$

Beyond that
I really just use the idea of service to try to save myself
And then every now and then some magic happens thanks to the invisible team $$

I think the expression “overestimating 30 days and underestimating 300 days” is appropriate $$$

Meaning, most think they can save the world in 30 days,
When they actually could in 300, but they just write themselves off just because of the additional timeline $$

I’ll probably need to clean that up later $

And I’m not even really watching the show lol $

I really didn’t expect to learn as much as I’ve learned about myself in such a little amount of time just from a awareness perspective $$

Like pretty soon,
 when I would go back and do my editing,
It became clear that some lines weren’t really “mine”
Like it began to feel like I had just kind of channeled them
Or whenever I get into some rambling flow state, that the words that come out have some seasoning on them if you will $$

And while others became clear that they were all hacky and forced $$

And I have to give myself some grace because literally my entire job for the past 13 years has been some kind of professional hack
So to take all of that and to invert it, but while maintaining the same ultimate goal of serving others and serving myself,
I’ve had to simply do repetition of repetition of creative curating to try to make things a little bit more palpable $$

Ironically, I’ve had to develop a process to make things less processed $$

But I guess that’s a good story of my life moment $

This buzz is buzzing man $

My physical training is getting close to entering legitimate athletes status
Meaning, if I actually push some of my workouts, I might be fucking around with a personal best of someway shape or form $$

Aesthetic personal bests are weird,
Because you can’t really use performance, and resistance numbers or rep volume
Or the mirror is so subjective $$

And you might look better at 175
But this one shirt makes you look like a demigod at 185 with a good pump
And this and that $$

And because if you’re in the peak of aesthetic training, you are months into not giving a fuck about the actual resistance,
So you can’t just turn around and have some kind of performance based work out and properly score it,
Anything above maintenance of course $$

So all of that is really good and I’ve never looked better for 175 that’s for sure $

This is basically from doing nothing but cables and maintenance level body weight/free weight for the past three months $

And I have plenty of notes on my dietary debauchery $

And I have a big stash of the empty graham cracker boxes that I’m gonna turn into some kind of art project lol $

But because my training the past few days has been so thorough and balanced
I finally slept really deep again
And even though it was only four hours, I mean it’s equivalent of having a full nights rest $

I guarantee you I could go do a complete 24 hours worth of work right now physically if I had to $

Or anything that require the same physical demand or any role I’ve already done $

But instead, I’m able to have myself a little smoke and vent session $

And the 2 AM smoke is seriously one of my favorite things ever $

It just hits different
Knowing that this is all that we need to worry about $

It’s just such a gift
I’m so grateful for these moments
That’s why I try to pencil them in as often as I can ✏️ $

And that midnight mobility after a nice long day of hypertrophy
I mean, there’s just nothing like it $

So I’m probably gonna linger around for another hour or two
About to do some edits from last week I imagine $

Then we’ll get some snacks I’m going
And then we’ll get some strategies going for the morning movement focused mobility $

And so on and so on $

I’m feeling like I might not write much more tonight because I just went on this whole long spiel $

We’ll see $

Just had a random memory about how in middle school a lot of the dudes didn’t like me because I would beat them in soccer at PE 
but I didn’t want to play on the soccer team lol $

If you really want to enhance your ego-
Nothing better than tobacco and alcohol $

… Now I’m thinking about that cigarette… $

I don’t even know if you could call American Spirit cigarettes $

These things are tobacco joints
I mean for real $

I know it’s part of the branding, 
all tribal Indian shit
But seriously, that was the strongest tobacco buzz I’ve had since I did a dip in high school $

Woe to those who have not discovered dip is gross as fuck unless you’re one of those strange few that like it $$

Most likely from the backwards or driving some kind of big rig 🚛 $$

No disrespect
Personally, I ain’t got none against dip
Even though I don’t really like it cause I just buzz so fucking hard on it I can’t seem to get it right $

But yeah, nicotine buzz is a special one $

I just kind of don’t want to smoke cigarettes in my Snuggie lol $

I also I’m starting to think about what I’m gonna do for my next meal $

that chicken was dank but I don’t want it again $

It is 3:11 AM and we are making Texas toast $

Nice $

I don’t feel like doing edits so I’m not gonna lol
But I will in a bit probably after I wake up $

I’m probably gonna try to eat some eggs too $

I don’t know if I logged it, but I started Peaky Blinders but I’m having to bail out for now
I’m kind of feeling some kind of spicy current event documentary on some Fuckery $

Just as I said that I landed on “Dahmer”
And I don’t think I’m ready for that yet lol $

I’m gonna try this one called “the staircase”
I’ve heard and seen good things about it
And I tried to get into it once upon a time, but couldn’t focus
So we’ll see if I’ve changed $

Apparently, Homie’s wife dies under suspicious circumstances involving a staircase
I can put two and two together
Specially, when it comes to the steps $$

We bailed out of the staircase and like two other things already if I’m being honest, so I’m just gonna shut up until I find something $

It might sound like a lame challenge at first, but you might have to just take my word for it
If you truly run out of shit to do then, just find some super popular but maybe kind of now obscure trilogy movie series, and force yourself to watch it
And pretend like you’re in rehab
So like something like “night at the museum”
And just binge that shit
And eat as much box% food as you can while you’re at it
Bonus points if you have to put it in an oven or microwave lol $$*

And then I promise you the next day you’ll probably be dying to run to the gym $$

That Texas toast is so fucking good though we’re already making a third slice $

We followed up that third slice with about 4 ounces of green peas 🫛 $

I tried to warn the world that I don’t discriminate much when it comes down to food as long as it has a purpose $

So the main reason why I’m eating that toast is because it’s probably the equivalent of anything I’d be eating in a restaurant,
Cheese wise that is
I need to start getting my digestive system acclimated $$

The peas just happened to be there, and I rarely have ever eaten them in isolation so my theory is the toast and the pea should digest relatively quick because bread is bread and because of the fiber in the peas
It’s humble on the protein side, maybe 25 or 30 g $

But that’s still pretty damn good for a snack $

Only those who’ve been in the game for a while remember the whole “ if it fits your macros “ phase $$

We are now watching “alone“ $

I love how Day one is all about filming and they care more about having a camera on them more than anything
“Rule number one is always have a camera on you“ $

My follow up is with a little bit of berries
No syrup this time though, gotta save that $

Mostly cause I’m about to do a sludge shot and I don’t want to chase my mouth 👄 $

It is 8:32 AM and we’ve been awake for about 20 minutes
Slowly meandering through the house, trying to figure out what to do $

And after bouncing a bit, we have decided to start watching the Lincoln lawyer $

Normally, I wouldn’t be watching Netflix when the sun is up
But for some reason, I feel like my routine is beginning to get flipped $

And the nighttime might be redevoted to going out and being social and all that $

And that shit is already beginning to steal my energy
Not in the worst way, but in the most considerate way $

Don’t know who needs to hear this, 
but do not wear the cheetah print pants
Just don’t $$$****

Never forget how the revolution wasn’t going so well until the French showed up… $$

Most will never know the excitement that comes after closing a big deal without having to sell your soul in the process $$$

It is 9:34 AM. We’re eating blueberry oatmeal as we prepare for the gym in a bit. $

I say we because the second you become aware of what I’m doing, I’m no longer doing it by myself, even if you’re not in the room with me at the moment physically
But you may be psychologically
Depending on how much of a visual reader you are $$

Remembering how one of the best days of my life came after an ordinary, 2 PM eye doctor appointment
When me & my first major ex, just laid around and watching Netflix for the rest of the day $
#sadbuttrue

Shit, you never wanna hear in sales
-“What’s your name again”
-“thank you so much. You’ve been so helpful. But…” $$*

We just did our sun walk and I got to say that was suspiciously warm
I just totally muscled that cold if you will $

I didn’t really need any adjustment Whatsoever either.
Didn’t even have shoes on lol
Busted out the old summer flops $

So now it’s time to make some tea and get this party started $

I’m hoping that I’ll be good to go to the gym in about 90 minutes or less $

There is no greater liability than an inability to control your emotions $$$*

It makes more sense to not use them if they always lead you astray $$

But if you master them, then you’ll understand the whole meaning behind the word magic 🪄 $$

Motiv cuts steps
- record cut
- Share footage to CapCut
- Review cuts in media 
- Share reviewed cuts to cap cut $

Joke steps
- Record joke 
- share footage
- Review jokes in notepad
- Share to footage $

Workout
- write movs
- Record movs
- Add edits/ comments
- Compile $

It is 11:02 AM and we are gonna do some reading before we a pre game ritual for the gym $

It is now 1:14 PM and we just got back from planet
It was an amazing back workout $

I’m definitely noticing my hormones are improving in line with everything
I feel far more confident and just overall more masculine
Very similar to how I used to be
Which is making me realize just how impactful what I used to do was $

You start realizing a lot of shit when you’ve been in a deficit for four years lol $$*

It is 2:56 PM and I have to run to the store to get some crackers or at least try to
The Cookie Monster is starting to yell $$

To be clear, I don’t have to actually do anything
I could just wait a little longer and probably slip back into recovery mode and then just chill at home all bored and what not but that just sounds lame when I can go eat crackers and then go do some cardio $$*

Yea the carb monster coming out lol $

Fuck traffic $

We’ve got a shit load of carbs now motherfuckers lol
We got two things of chocolate chip cookies
One thing of double stuffed Oreos
And one box of honey graham crackers this time cause they’re out of the cinnamon still
Oh yeah, and a three dollar bottle of electrolytes, which is the most expensive out of all of them $

Cost less than $10
That is the beauty of poison
Time to show the world what alchemy is all about $$

Kind of lame if you can’t alchemize bad shit you know what I mean $$

And I wouldn’t consider you a very good alchemist if you couldn’t handle your poison $$*

I am fully aware that during my life review is going to be a lot of moments of me just being disappointed at people who are too afraid to take a turn at a reasonable speed $$*

This is how I know the carb monster is fully out is because I am so aggressive right now $

I really need to remember that mint Hill 5 o’clock traffic hits at about 3:15 PM
And is so fucking lame $$$$$$$*****

Goddamn, I really am so bitchy right now
In many ways, this is good because it reminds me I ain’t a Jesus $$

So I had to start eating the crackers because so many people are cutting through the fucking parking lot
Literally as I speak, someone nearly hits me $

Shit so annoying
I did play myself tho because now I have to take an even worse left turn, and everybody isn’t even paying attention $

Goddamn, this is bad $

I can’t ever do this again $

AnyWho, I’ve ripped open the crackers while still waiting in the car lol $

Fast-forward to 4:32 PM
I’ve eaten one sleeve of crack
About 10 chocolate chip cookies
Completed some social media work
Completed some resistance games website
Doing some mobility now
And I’m about to go back to the gym to spend some one on one time on that rower $

I am feeling great
I’m feeling good
Just like I know I should $

Who knows what I’m gonna do afterwards,
Probably continue working because I’m starting to pick up some momentum $

It is 5:42 PM and we are leaving the gym and about to swing by the candy store on the way home $

Another glorious cardio session with the first 2/3 on the rower $

Total of 45 minutes and I really don’t know how many calories but it was super easy because of how fueled up I was
It’s note worthy because if this was about two years ago, I wouldn’t even count that as a workout because of how easy it felt $

But when scoring and adding up the numbers, it was probably better than most of my other cardio sessions 
I just didn’t have to switch into the oxidative gear if you will $

Movement is the opposite of drugs
Which is why is it so important to use as a weapon in the war on drugs $$

Because the war on drugs is really a war on activity and inability to handle one’s own problems $$*

It is 7:32 PM
We’ve gotten a fair amount of social media stuff ready
And we are also helplessly lost when it comes down to watching anything lol $

We’ve eaten some more crackers
We have upgraded the buzz $

I’d ranking it a good seven out of 10 right on the edge of a sedation
But it’s note worthy because I didn’t really take that much of the tablet
I took maybe the equivalent of a full quarter
And it basically feels like what a half would’ve felt like a month ago $

I also haven’t taken any sludge shots in a long time
And the last one I did in the morning was pretty weak, and I barely felt it $

My caffeine intake is overall cut in half as well
And my first workout was the equivalent of maybe 200 mg at most and my last one might’ve been 100 mg in that last shot
Kind of hard to tell with the squirts $

But that’s pretty big deal
Especially since I’m not feeling any kind of caffeine crash per se $

Which is kind of reminding me of how I used to be
Cause when I used to be in build season
For a few years,
I never really would crash energy wise
I’m just kind of realizing that now because at the time I never really appreciated it because I hadn’t gone through burning and losing pretty much every ounce of spare energy I had on my frame lol $

But basically being starved out over the summer has given me a metabolic efficiency that is next to superhuman apparently $$

And I could not be more grateful
But I am also more and more suspicious that- that is some spiritual fuck shit $

It is a ??? PM and I’m stepping out for a couple drags on the cigarette
I feel like they should be better called tobacco sticks because it doesn’t have too much shit in it apparently $

I’m gonna try to keep it to three basic hits to make sure I don’t get too big of a nicotine buzz $

I just hate putting cigarettes out and reloading them $

That lasted about two minutes $

No complaints for the moment
I’m just trying not to get too big of a buzz like last time $

It is now 8:25 PM and I do not have any emotional energy for anything for some reason so I’m gonna try to go ahead and go to first sleep and take a nap or something $

It is now 11:10 PM and we are getting up after a nice little nap $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-6-26

Good morning bitches $

It is 12:08 AM $

We are watching Vikings $

Not gonna lie I did not expect to be this engaged
It’s really more the lore than it is the storyline if I’m being honest $

I just can’t stop thinking about what I would’ve done back then $

And how I find myself drawn to the whole warrior raider lifestyle
Certainly compared to being some monk or some shit $

Which is ironic, cause that’s kind of what this life has turned into $$

As long as it leads down the Jedi path soon $$

That’ll be cool $

I’ll go ahead and note for the record that while my buzz is not that strong, it is consistent $

My tolerance continues to work in reverse with the 7 hydroxy ,
the more active and the more I train it seems $$

Which is really pretty amazing $

But it reinforces the pathway and how it works & all of that
Because it is a very physically dominant substance $

You really don’t need much to get a mental lift $

I’m also finding the stronger doses to be more uncomfortable in a good way $

Same with cannabis
I mean, I’m going through maybe .6 of a gram a day $

So if you want to call that crazy,
Then I would question your criteria, 
and I would then ask how many parties you’ve been to… $$$

I keep saying all the time there are cups of coffee stronger than the amount of shit that I consume in a daily basis $$$

And if you don’t believe me, then I challenge you to go to Starbucks and get a quadruple espresso
On an empty stomach
But four hours after having a shit load of carbs $$$*

Then you tell me which is more mind and mood altering $$$

I swear,
 you can get more fucked up just by scrolling social media $$$*

Or texting that toxic group chat that you refuse to leave $$$*

Or replying to your ex… $$$*

Don’t mind me with my casual cannabis and Kratom $$

I can’t even remember offhand the last bit of alcohol i had
 but I know I made a note about it lol $$

So it’s on a wall on the site somewhere $$

One thing I’m actually most proud of is the fact that I’m not even taking pre-workout these days
And yet my physique is probably arguably at an all-time best $

But I’m definitely not going for a traditional bodybuilding
As if you couldn’t tell, lol $

But to build the ultimate functional machine
Capable of with standing any bullshit
And alchemizing it along the way $$

And as long as you’re under 10% body fat, you’re gonna look pretty damn good no matter what lol $$**

That’s the real secret $$

I also am convinced that if you can maintain 10% for over three years,
Then you pretty much have it locked in for life $$*

Unless you deliberately throw it all away $$

Ironically, once you’ve been a prisoner, 
then you can finally be free
But you’ll never really know freedom until you know imprisonment $$*

So if you haven’t been in a position to which you’ve lost your leverage,
Then I suggest maybe getting a little proactive with the amends so that way it’s not so shitty when it arrives $$*

Here’s a fun intellectual exercise I’ve been meaning to do,
I’m gonna do my best to retrace my steps as to what I might’ve been doing on this day for the past however many years
Until I get bored or distracted, of course $

So last year this time, I was probably sitting in the same seat watching everything that I’ve been working for pretty much implode, $

But not to be all melodramatic or a victim because I was simply making a lot of incorrect decisions $$

and was in the process of learning some pretty lifelong lessons if you know what I’m saying $

So no resentment and no harm no foul at this point $$$

But that was literally the definition of heartbreak and never have I been so alone $$

Except technically now I am more alone, but I just don’t feel like it lol $$

So two years before that in 2024,
I probably also would’ve been in the same seat, 
but it would’ve been on the front side of the relationship with all the optimism and hope in the world $

I would’ve been wrapping up two years of working pretty much like a mad man, 
coaching all the time,
preparing to really get to work on the science and the resistance games and all of that,
Which meant writing 16 hours a day instead of hanging out in the gym $$

Also, this was beginning the process of experimenting with other therapeutic mind and mood altering substances such as my MDMA and LSD but that’s for another wall lol $$$

I hadn’t quite done it yet (either)
And I guess if I’m gonna be very specific
I still had about 45 days of full-time in person coaching left, $

In 2023 would’ve been just coming out out of the winter cave so to speak
I would’ve been at Anytime Fitness
And beginning more intensive BJJ training
Very much Boot Camp vibes $

2022. I would’ve been in the middle of going through all that testing bullshit to get my personal training certification.
I would’ve also been dealing with some major bullshit from my real estate employer
This moment would’ve been about 45 days before being “terminated for performance”
And this is a whole Nother thing for another wall, 
but this was basically a situation in which they manipulated some variables to lean on the unreasonable side to get me off the books
Which they did me a favor, 
Cuz I was probably going to resign within a couple months anyway
They just lit another fire under my ass
And a week after they terminated me, I was certified lol $

Kind of like how when they fired me from sales, that same weekend I was already beginning to get my RE license.. $

In 2021 I would’ve been at my most lowest mental health point in my entire life
Combination of many factors,
Covid and its social side effects being the most significant & this was 11 months into having barely any formal in person meetings, 
and the gym was a whole Nother story as far as where you could go, and if you had to wear a mask which basically suffocated you mid work out & this and that $

Man, there’s a whole lot of meat on that bone that I need to go into $

Who remembers working out with the face mask and that being more dangerous than the fucking pathogen in itself $$$***

I remember sitting in a random driveways wanting to die
And this wasn’t the cute kind of suicidal ideation either
This was “I am very desperately and quickly losing hope because I’ve been a good person for my entire adult life and I’ve run out of options”
And the last thing I’d ever do is be a victim, but this is literally the definition of being victimized by bullshit $$$*

My hormones were probably fucked because my training was so muscle focused that I wasn’t really getting outside and I was gaining more body fat more than muscle $$

I was getting so big I could barely fit into my Mercedes
And ass sure shit wasn’t comfortable lol $$

My employment was at least somewhat consistent, and I had some financial comfort
Which you could argue played into my depression because all I would do is watch Netflix and play video games and hope to meet somebody on some dating app $$**

2020 would’ve been right before Covid actually hit
Sidenote, the last official meeting I really went to before Covid hit, I spoke at
it’s street name is “came to conceive “ $

I don’t know if it even meets anymore or if it ever revived after Covid
But just kinda ironic that right after I picked up my eight year chip and spoke there, they shut down all meetings $

Excluding the parking lot meet ups at the 10 PM uptown meeting $$

There’s a whole Nother page as far as antics about 10 PM or late night meetings $$$

And how I spent a decade going to one daily and then was forced to start going to a different one because the first one was overrun by lunatics
But that’s recovery for you baby $$**

Back to the plot
This is technically when I was doing the in-home sales stuff
And I guess this week would’ve been when I made my first couple sales or maybe when I was in the middle of it $

And if you want to talk about soul rotting daily pressure, 
man,
That job ruined everything energy wise for me
Despite actually logging some pretty good STR workouts during the time because it’s really all I could do to not blow my head off $

To help paint a more precise picture,
It was very common to walk away with five or $10,000 per sale
And it usually didn’t take longer than 2 to 4 hours to close a deal with a random customer $$

The whole job is to show up to these “prequalified leads” and sell them roofs and windows for as much as you possibly could $$*

Then whatever the cost was after the job itself, 
you would split with sales management
But of course, the sales management had it slated to be completely imbalanced $$*

But you still pocket four figures for just a couple hours of work $$

I know cause those checks cleared and I spent them lol $$

I am glad to say that i never sold a shitty job tho,
I think I only sold three or four my entire time
But that’s within 30 days and that’s being brand new to that craft $

But yes, I digress
I guess my ego was just wants the world to know that if I wanted to, 
I could go to one of these sleazy places and within a Month or two max make enough money to clear my debts $$

Or I could reactivate my real estate license and probably clear everything within 6 months $$

And while those two things are true and realistic because I’ve done it,
It would come with an opportunity cost, 
One I am not willing to bear 🐻 $$$*

In 2019 would’ve been probably peak “fuck boy phase”
I wasn’t too terrible or anything,
I was just about as cliché as a 25-year-old in a polo with a new real estate license and Mercedes could be $$

I was also in this really toxic “on and off “ again relationship with a glorified slam piece $$

Not even trying to be crash, 
she would probably stay worse about me lol 😂 $$

Emphasis on the toxic $$$

But it was pretty fun
And you learn a lot about yourself with the right slam piece
Just saying $$$*

It is 12:31 AM and we’re gonna take a brief break And pick back up at 2018 $

Spoiler alert I was in the sales center, and it was kind of lame $

Just threw two French bread pizzas in the oven and ate about six cookies
Classic chocolate chip this time 
And dude, 
I gotta say the Food Lion generic brand are probably better than anything else
Cheaper and as far as ingredients go, they are are as clean as you’re going to get for a fucking processed rocket fuel $

Yes, they do have some high fructose corn syrup in it
but it’s less than 2% $

And that’s a whole Nother debate if you really wanna come at me over the HFC,
I already admit that it’s a poison ☠️ $

But I’m literally trying to give the world the playbook to handle poison $$

Remember the expression “have your cake and eat it too” $

Which is 100% possible if you’re willing to employee some unorthodox techniques $$

And I would say you have not lived until you have mixed cannabis, Kratom, & midnight pizza mobility,
With your Saga of choice $$

Sidebar we started the movie “hitman”
It’s a comedy
And it’s pretty funny so far $

I’ll update more later $

And then I’ll probably get back to that whole yearly check-in soon $

But eight years is pretty good for one evening lol so if I don’t then stay tuned for another day $

I’m looking at an actor who looks almost identical to me at the moment
Ponytail, body fat percentage everything $

I hope this isn’t turning into another summer situation when the walls started talking to me
Now that I’m writing everything down, it’ll fully just make me seem super crazy lol $$

Giving advice and sharing wisdom are not the same thing
But an amateur wouldn’t know that would they $$$*

Mostly because they don’t have much wisdom yet
But had certainly received a ton of advice that they are happy to regurgitate $$$*

It is now 2:21 AM and I believe the pizzas are finally starting to process so that means I should be able to go to sleep here soon and go ahead and do a victory hit now after we just finished last week $

Another night, another movie simultaneously watched and ignored $

My furnace which has been killing it for the past two days is suddenly suspiciously quiet… $

AnyWho, it’s 2:35 AM and we’re going back to second sleep $

It is 6:04 AM and we are getting up $

It is now 7:15 AM and I’m not gonna lie. I’m getting a little squirmy. $

I kind of feel like going to the gym, but I think that might just be the buzz talking $

In other news, I do think I actually probably will go soon $

It is now 7:40 AM and I just ate a bunch of cookies
I mean, I pretty much ate the rest of the chocolate chips minus like five $

So we’ll see what the future holds lol $

In other news, it seems as if my furnace has gone back on vacation
I mean, bro it literally came on perfect for 2 days
You’re gonna tell me that it’s broken & that it doesn’t know what it’s doing? $

But it’s kind of nice because I can tell my body is heating itself nicely while the temperature begins to drop $

I’ve also begun prepping for today’s deep clean
And I’m very proud of myself for how much progress I’ve made so for $

It is 931 and I’m doing my son walk $

It was windy and about 35° and I wasn’t cold at all
Just reinforces, my body is adapting & adjusting to the cold $

I mean, this is pretty incredible. That was like a hack. $

I only had a flannel & two layers on
The last couple times I had all kinds of shit lol $

I was fully fueled and borderline restless, though with all the carbs and cookies so that was my secret $$

I love philosophy because once you boil everything down, you realize the similarities behind all things $$

It is 10:31 AM and I am finishing up the box of honey graham crackers $

All conditions are building to a glorious leg workout here in a couple hours $

I’m thinking I’m gonna try to go just after noon
Or late afternoon, depending $

I was laying around on the floor for the past hour pretty beat and tired, not wanting to do anything
Can’t call it a crash, but kind of felt like I was plunging deep into recovery mode $

I got up to go do a sludge shot and embrace the chilling for the day and maybe bumping legs to tomorrow $

And somewhere along the way between here and the kitchen, I began to feel some motivation building back up $

And now I’m starting to really want to go to the gym lol $

I think those crackers are starting to kick in $

Wisdom is knowing the weekends are the highest risk for having strangers come up to your door, 
prospecting for business or soliciting $$**

After that shot and a little bit more cleaning and a little bit of squirt, 
we are on the way to the gym with newfound energy and motivation
And I really think more than anything that has to do with my circadian rhythm and more ego motivation $

I’ll go into this more later, but this is the classic routine shit $

It is 2:57 PM and we have been home for about an hour
We laid on the floor for a bit and make some more cookies and now smoking some more weed before we get back to work 😈 $$

Just thinking about how pretty much everybody that smokes weed is at least kind of cool
But everybody who smokes and actually operates normally,
 is very cool 😎 $$**

Weed people are better than wine people but most potheads have been slacking off as of late while all the alcoholics can’t stop working $$$***

I’m gonna go ahead and log another gain bowl $

Unrelated, kind of funny how I just realized yesterday who was actually playing in the Super Bowl
And what do you know,
 it’s the Patriots and Seattle Seahawks
I think lol I honestly can’t even say for sure $

Just had another gain bowl
This time, just rice and beef and butter though
And of course, some Texas Pete hot sauce
Always hot sauce $$

It is now 5:45 PM
Everything is good, but our motivation has vanished $

After bouncing around between a few different options on Netflix, we’re gonna go with “you“ $

I remember when it first came out and it was really good
I think I saw the first two seasons before it started to turn a little bit $

It is 6:20 PM and we have cracked open a beer
Still one of the Bud Light’s that I bought damn near a year ago
And I still have one left $

Which may or may not get drank tonight
I was thinking about drinking them tomorrow $

But I’m kind of flip flopping $

I’m thinking that the MK might complement my water retention
So the beer might be timed well $

Also considering the last two things I ate were “nutritious”,
And the last had a fair amount of beef, which is always good before drinking anything $

I’m not gonna lie
 the part in the show where Beck gets on stage to read her poetry and expose her dream and all of that was very touching $

And somehow strangely inspiring $

So far so good and I think I might be able to watch season one and two with like a refresh
We’ll see if we make it to season five… $

I will confess that I am craving cookies
And I still have those two completely full bag/boxes
So sidenote, what do you call those things?
Like the resealable plastic box that is also a bag
Do we just say thing?
Can I just say Cookie things? $

Is that gonna sound super weird in the future?
What if other people will tune in later and I’m just saying “Cookie things” and they have no idea what I’m talking about and then suddenly my dreams of being a writer are never realized. $

Lol, of course I’m obviously kidding $$$

Who gives a fuck if my dreams are realized because there’s it’s much fun just writing to begin with $$

And alas, we have arrived back at another secret $$

Just like weightlifting
You’re probably gonna suck for a while, but then your technique gets pretty good and then you change your life in all of the strangest & smallest ways $

Just don’t expect anybody else that’s not familiar with the technique to understand $$$

It is now 8:31 PM $

We have enjoyed a partial cigarette
Saw some cool lights and stars
Some suspicious movements too $

We have done a lot of social media prep stuff $

We ate about 4 ounces of ground beef with four eggs and some tater tots. $

It is now 854 and we’re gonna go ahead and go to first sleep $

Y’all gonna be mad at me
I drank the full first beer, 
but only maybe a quarter of the second
So I’m pouring out the rest for the Homies
And to flex on alcoholism, I guess lol $$

Cause I guess that’s better than the alternative of chugging and then being stressed out about buying more $$

My furnace is off lol $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-7-26

Good morning world $

It is 12:21 AM
We are getting to the movies now $

Picking up on episode three of “you“ $

I wanna roast this bitch so bad (Beck)
But I understand she’s just playing a character $

So instead, I will give her kudos for good acting 🎭 $

Even if this isn’t one big simulation for character development, it’s still better to hang out with those who think it is $$$**

The real secret is most of what you write is gonna be shit anyway $$

And most won’t be able to determine good literature from just random words on a wall
Ask me how I know $$*

And honestly, on a more personal note, that is one of my favorite things about all of this
Wether with weightlifting or writing, 
it is more fun to flex with high productivity than it is with high neuroticism $$*

So far you gotta give the writers credit for making Joe so fucking creepy
But you can kind of tell that the style of the show is gonna get old unless something drastic happens
But when the whole point of your show is to do drastic shit then be cautious about over playing your hand $

For the real resistance games, 
you don’t even get credit until it falls in the category of something you genuinely don’t want to do
Doesn’t have to be something super crazy or all that intense
It just has to be something to where moments before if you were to take a full proof polygraph, 
you would honestly swear off than rather proceed on
And assuming whatever it is, you’re about to do is actually ethical,
that is when you receive your extra energy points $$

Otherwise, you get standard energy points for doing whatever it is
Whether you’ve gotten used to it or not $$

So that is the one downside to becoming used to doing righteous and genuine acts
Is that you can become somewhat blind to your own awesomeness $$

There really are only two types of people in the world;
Those who have met themselves and those who have spent every moment avoiding that moment $$$***

It is now 12:59 AM
I have completed my mobility $

Most dudes do not know how to actually “beat it up”
If you know what I’m saying
If you don’t know what I’m saying,
Then just find any attractive woman and ask her to be honest about her history
And you’ll find out real quick $$

But the kicker is 
if you know what you’re doing in the bedroom,
You don’t actually have to go around broadcasting it or proving it
And those who have experienced it can pick up on the vibe,
Commonly referred to as “big dick energy” $$

You can tell who’s never satisfied a significant other $$*

My sex history has literally been pretty much all over the place
Except anything actually illegal
But I have found myself on many strange dates and in many strange holes
Good, bad and ugly, but all ethical & consensual $$

Even the closest friends can have fucked up motives, half the time
And usually most friendships are developed on the back of some significant bullshit
Usually some existential circumstantial community type $$

Just thinking more about how it really wasn’t intentional, but this whole notepad strategy has become the ultimate flex on writers block $$

Cause you can say a lot of things, but you can’t say I’m suffering from that shit lol
But I made creativity, my bitch $$$&$$$

Didn’t say it was good creativity or even if it had to be $$

It is 1:39 AM and we have finished last week’s review. We’ve upgraded the buzz and we have gotten another sleeve of cookies. $

The sleeve of cookies isn’t the right thing to say,
It’s more like a column,
Cause then that weird plastic box bag thing they come in, comes divided in thirds of course $

So this is the second third of my second box bag $

And I am not even gonna try to say I’m gonna slow down $

I swear, these carbs keep going to the right place so I’m gonna keep sending them and answering the call $

Allow yourself to stay cold manually & heat yourself. 
It’s better viewed as a defensive strategy because your body’s not gonna want to store extra calories as fat when it can quickly just burn them for body heat $$

It’s kind of like how defense wins championships lol $$

*finishes 7th cookie 🍪 $

I’m telling the world to stop sleeping on the Food Lion generic brand cookies cause they are so good $$$

Out of all the generic supermarket brands I have tried. I’ve got to say Food Lion is the best.
It’s as cheap as Aldi usually
And I have found the quality to be often better & the ingredients overall cleaner than even the most popular brand name
But especially with carbs
Because that is where you’re gonna find the most fuckery $$

It’s with a massive major food companies who have corporatized everything to cut nutrients for profit because they have the greatest marketing team $$$***

And that is the dirty secret that most businesses either don’t know or don’t want you to know
A top-tier marketing team and sales team is far more important for your short-term success than quality products $$$**

But eventually, you’ll be dead to rights in the long run $$$

Speaking of runs
I swear I could go on a long one because of the cookies and the Kratom $

And I bet you within one to two months I actually will be going on run starting at two or 3 AM
Maybe not every day but I’ve got to get ready to do 24 hours straight
And if I want to do it without it sucking too terribly bad
Then I’m gonna need to be able to eat cookies while actively running without puking or shitting myself $$*

So you can see how far ahead my spiritual clock really is wink wink $$*

*Grinder squeak 🐭 $

Some emojis are cuter than others $$

I have conditioned myself in a positive PTSD fashion
Every time I get a buzz, I start getting chatty philosophically and writing a lot $$

“How can I take advantage of this moment” $

Also, a friendly reminder that trauma works in reverse
You can experience something so lovingly profound that it changes your paradigm forever forward,
And if this happens to come at the end of a long line of serious traumas in that actually just belittles the original trauma in the best way
Because it proves that you can go through hell and recover and experience love and joy to such a high degree that it’s better than if you never had the original trauma to begin with $

*Lighter flick $

It is 3:06 AM and we are finishing the last bit of the chewy chocolate chip cookies $

That might be a record
I think I might’ve eaten two full things of cookies in the past 24 hours
And a entire box of graham crackers $

But when I tell you that my sleeves are hugging tight
Just know, I mean it
I swear to God
If I can have 6000 cal of cookies & burned a lil fat,
Then I do not know what else to do to prove magic $$

In all seriousness, though, I’m indulging to try to get it out of my system, emotionally more than anything
But if I needed fuel, that really is the best thing from a digestion standpoint $

Yes, yes I know it is rocket fuel and I know it is borderline poison
But it is designed to process as fast as possible
And at the current moment, 
my muscles are screaming at me
And if I refill them then emotionally speaking, I’m gonna be a much happier camper, 
considering I’m basically camping because of the whole heat situation $$

Just to emphasize, I’m not complaining about the heater
I could fix the furnace in one afternoon if I wanted
I’m just having too much fun fucking around with this shit
And like I just said the other day,
I’m getting so good at heating myself up in the cold that I can tell I’m improving on that adaptation as well. $

But it is a risky game and when you’re living life as a sports car, you gotta be careful $$

Because the downside to the cookies is they can go to my head
And I’m already standing and swinging and that’s just from the last round $

But dare I say
I prepared for this
And I still have an entire half of the seven hydroxy tablet $

But before I ate the last batch of cookies, I took a sludge shot while my stomach was mostly empty again
So now I get to enjoy that buzz for the next 45 minutes or so while these cookies digest and then I will be in perfect position to take a quarter tab and drift off peacefully to sleep sometime around five or 6 AM ideally
And I should be able to time that tablet right when the second batch of cookies kicks in
So I can either Read or continue finishing up some social media shit $

And that my friends is modern Day alchemy $

Happy 3:13 AM
😉 $$

You know, I know what I was just saying about my plan and strategic timing at all
But I certainly feel kind of sleepy so I think I’m gonna go lay back down
I’m probably just gonna meditate, but I will likely fall asleep $

So who knows what’s gonna happen next? $

Either a
The cookies are still below my calorie reserve and will be stored quickly 
meaning I won’t be restless or have a random surge of energy $

Or b
they’re gonna kick- in in about 90 minutes and I’m gonna wake back up ready to run
And I might just do it cause that’ll be around 4:20 AM $

So this is part of the fun of living life as a true philosopher as you really don’t know what the fuck is ever about to happen $$

It is 7:30 AM and I am briefly getting up. I was wrong about the cookies in a good way because I ended up just sleeping through pretty much. $

But it’s kind of weird cause I wanna keep sleeping, but I also don’t
So I guess I’m going to smoke as much as I can
Wait for that shot I took to kick in
And see what happens $

But yes, the goal is to rest and be as much of a slob as I can today $

I know I say that shit and it never plays out $

Not sure how but the hardest thing for me to do is just sit still on a Sunday
I have to spend all week training for this
By exhausting myself physically, 
and making sure I have gotten all of my affairs in order to counter any type of intellectual self-condemnation $

But this is a common challenge for those who are traumatized
Just trying to make it through the day without any type of emotional fuel left $$$

Everyone thinks they’re tough until they run out of dopamine
And if you don’t know what it’s like to be actually out of dopamine or serotonin, then shut the fuck up
Enough of ” just push through it” bullshit
I have at least 30,000 training hours and most of them motherfuckers were reluctant to some degree
But at a certain point you’re just logging hours in a weird perverse competition of seeing who can suffer more $$$

You gotta know what to let go too $$$

Most adults are passive aggressive children
And even though they might not throw full on temper tantrums, they usually do it silently and in the form of swearing off or making invisible covenants with their lower natures
Usually in the form of contempt prior to investigation $$$***

If you do it without any type of guidance or mentor, then you get psychic double bonus energy points $$$**

The fact that I feel this good and I crave cookies this little is evidence that my strategy is working $$

Because if I was carb dependent then at this point, I would be craving more $

It is now 10:38 AM and I am awake
And we are slowly getting ready for the day $

Feeling a little hungry
And yes, my first instinct was to rip into cookies so I’m just being honest $

It is now 11:33 AM
We did a sun walk a little over an hour ago and actually found a little rolling chair
So that’s pretty dope
I mean, it fits perfectly in the living room for my little table
And can also go to my office under my desk if needed
Talk about a gift 🎁 $

Also, just smashed a chicken gain bowl 
Still moving slow from a energy perspective, but might be like caffeine related
Or just being in recovery mode, cause I can tell my body is beat to shit $

Muscle focus means you’re gonna need new clothes
Movement focus means you’re not gonna need clothes at all
If that makes sense $$$**

That should make sense 
it’s very simple lol $

It is 1:05 PM
We are eating pizza and watching season three of Narcos
I’m giving it another try
I like the first season when it was more of a story being told
Now it’s just kind of a drama 
Not bad it’s just hard to keep up with when you have to read most of it even though I prefer that $

That pizza was so good that it counts as training because if I can make it through that pizza then I shouldn’t have a problem, digestion or micro biome wise if I go back out to eat $

Not to brag, but for many years, I could live off the midnight pizzas without getting too fat
I wasn’t no Shreddy Krueger though so I gotta be a little careful
But I’ll know come Wednesday morning, how these cookies and pizza are really settling $$

‘tis the season though this week before Valentines week is really the ultimate bulking week
I don’t make the rules. I just begrudgingly follow them when I can. $

Oh hell, I’m gonna force myself to go do a little walk
It’s still like 36° so that counts for something
And I only have a light jacket on $

It is now 5:27 PM
We’ve been pretty much on the floor all day “recovering”
Try to run and grab some candy, but both stores were closed so that was a little bit bittersweet
But probably for the best $

I was gonna grab a tablet and get to work but it’s probably best that I’m forced to take a day off so I don’t start spewing out extra bullshit lol $

But the sun is setting and I am feeling definitely on the restful sleepy side so as long as I don’t fight the flow, I think I’m doing the right thing
And I think tomorrow I’ll be right as rain $

It is 6:27 PM and I finished all the Oreos officially $

So, so far today, I’ve had
One chicken gain bowl
One red baron pepperoni pizza
One entire thing of double stuffed Oreo cookies
A glass of berries
Some tea with some sugar
And obviously a bunch of water $

Ton of water really $

So all in all that’s gonna be about 150 g of protein
And around 3500 cal
So really that’s not that crazy
Considering my furnace has been off pretty much all day for the most part
And I’ve been self heating and self chilling if you will $

3500 cal was my maintenance at my biggest anyway
And if I’m being honest , while I was doing a lot of hypertrophy training, I wasn’t doing it anywhere near the level of efficiency that I am now.
So my workouts now would score probably double or triple what they used to
Which means that my muscles alone are extra spongy and that’s kind of like cheating when it comes down to demands $$

That’s where all these cookies go
As long as I eat them when my muscles tell me to
And make sure I get nutrition when they tell me to do that $$

Cause that’s another note is that there are distinctly different cravings $$

And after eating a bunch of cookies, I don’t even wanna look at them for a while until after I’ve eaten real food $$

So it’s pretty crazy how that works $$

And I noticed a distinct difference in my emotions after the energy from the cookies has kicked in $$

Not like I was too bad off beforehand, but once they kicked in, you could say I didn’t need to rest any longer if I didn’t want to $$

So I can tell their accelerating my recovery time as long as I’m not getting too greedy and I spaced things out $$

I am micro dosing a lot of different movements, though 
whenever the sugar rush kicks in
Such as holding the kettle bell
Holding or doing a bunch of slow Mo split squats
Or dead, hang, and dip holds $$

Nothing crazy just somewhere between 13 to 31 seconds or until I really don’t wanna hold on any longer
Or start getting a little bit of a pump
It helps signal that my nervous system just enough $$

That plus the walks to ensure that my body is keeping its internal heater on standby $$

One little secret is by bundling up, but leaving my hands face and feet exposed
It helps you avoid overheating
But it also signals your body to continue burning internally $$

And I keep coming back down to the benefits of whenever your body is burning shit off
I’m convinced that when your body is heating itself, it is almost like being in a fasted state without being fasted $$*

I mean, there’s a reason why exercise provides a whole host of benefits
Because if it’s signaling to your nervous system to get rid of waste and to repair shit and to use extra energy before it goes to your emotions $$*

And once again, this is quite literally having your cake and eating it too
Because I get to eat as many cookies as I want, and I’m not even cold
And my workouts are getting better and better and better $$*

I have to brush my teeth a lot more often though lol
And that’s kind of annoying part but that’s no big deal $

I think it’s time to finish this last bit of a cigarette
Shit is taking me three days lol
But that’s better than the other way around $

And this is an American spirit and these bitches always take forever $

Before I check the temperature, I’m trying to guess what it’s like outside
I mean it feels like super warm maybe like fucking 50° but I think it’s probably high 30s $

Well, it’s mid 30s
But yeah, a couple months ago at the beginning of winter I would probably be bugging out right now
But instead, the cold feels good
Kind of like how the mobility stick feels when you’re sore
You would think more movement would be the last thing you need, but it’s usually the best thing for you $$$**

If the cigarette helps the carbs from the cookies from kicking in too hard,
Then I will also have rediscovered an ancient alchemy secret from the program $$

Because every meeting you go to is stocked up with coffee, caffeine and nicotine $$

Unless you’re had a pretty lame one that has banned smoking cause that was pretty common before I left $

But I remember there were a couple of meetings that were big popular young people hotspots that would have big crowds of people smoking 
often in corners or across the street $$

Probably the same groups of people that will end up coming across my shit, lol just given the nature of the audience $$

Cause back then, all we would do is stand around in circles and talk shit about whatever would pop up $

Just thinking back to how many joints and blunts I’ve smoked in the side of my house
When it used to be my grandma’s house,
It was the blind spot,
And we used to have a jeep parked back there on the side driveway
Or my friends would just turn the lights off in their car and sneak into the driveway pull up to the side
And we would just hotbox the car $$

I even discovered a little note I wrote on the siding last summer when I was doing yardwork.
It was something about a blunt from September in 2011 lol
Which is hilarious $

This really is the ultimate training house
I can’t wait till they repave the cul-de-sac and then it becomes the ultimate skateboarding spot too $

I’m gonna revive the back ravine area and it’ll be the ultimate oasis $$

The house itself is already converted into a functional gym and recovery center $$

And I just see so much future potential for it
Just gotta get a little get cash lol $

But yeah, it is 646 and I’m just kind of chilling on the front steps, enjoying the night air now even though my cigarette is out $

This is kind of what I’ve been hoping for is to slowly edge back into my old evening, social routine
even if it involves nicotine $$

I’m not gonna get on social media right now
But it is my intention to revisit this tomorrow evening $

I’m gonna probably try to do the morning and the evening $

I really need to get back to engaging with the public instead of posting and ghosting
But fuck scrolling
Which kind of makes me a hypocrite, not gonna lie $

But I’d gladly go down someone else’s rabbit hole if you know what I’m saying 😉 $

Like further evidence that my body’s heaters are working overtime-
I am outside and it is much colder outside than inside
My feet were cold before coming outside
And now they’re actually pretty warm even though they’re against the cold ground
The rest of me is also very warm
So I’m convinced that the past few weeks of being in the teens without any real heat, have resulted in a very impressive adaptation
Or at least proof That if your fuel is on the inside, you can overcome cold $$

Not trying to get too carried away, obviously
Because anyone living north of Virginia, probably is laughing at me right now $$

But hey, if that’s the case, I would just challenge them to come spend the middle of August here in the woods with me
In all black
As we backpack at least 26.2 miles
Then we shall see which elements are preferred $$$$$$$****

Pretty crazy to think that the Super Bowl is going on right now
And my old favorite team is playing
And I could care less
I haven’t seen a single game all year $

Catching the highlights in the gym doesn’t count because they’re all so chopped and screwed anyway $

It is 7:34 PM and we are going to first sleep
I could tell my body is starting back it’s heater and lowering its temperature to actually sleep sleep $ 

More on this later, maybe $

It is 11:08 PM and we are awake $

And it looks like the Seahawks won the Super Bowl
So I guess they got their revenge
11 years later
Good for them $$

I’m only able to say that cause I’ve put some distance between myself and football $

AnyWho, I guess we’re gonna watch “Black mirror” and see what happens $

Finishing up some mobility now $

Getting ready for the great reset $

In three… $

Two… $

One… $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-8-26

Happy new day $

It is now Monday $

It feels like the start of a new cycle somehow someway
Who knows honestly $

And who knows how much longer I’m gonna be awake $

I swear
 I would go to the gym right now if I could $

But if I can kill another five hours, then I’ll be good $

I keep striking out on shit to watch on Netflix though $

Vikings has become more or less a background show
Peaky Blinders is starting to get a little bit more interesting again
But I’m kind of tired of that for the moment $

I am not really hungry, but I kind of want to eat $

I’m not really craving much, which is good $

I won’t lie
This sludge shots are starting to do their job
But this is after a few days of them being pretty weak honestly $

Reinforcing my theory, 
likely once and for all,
When you’re doing the shot or the tea method, 
you basically need double what you would the capsule method
And you also essentially cut the time it takes to kick in by 2/3 or at least a half if not a little bit better $$

However, sometimes the dosing can be pretty hit or miss with the tea or the shot method 
and you could accidentally do a heavy dose therefore jacking up your tolerance pretty quickly $

That is one advantage to the capsules it is that they take longer to really affect your tolerance $$

And you’ll likely start getting constipation before you start abusing actual capsules $$

Happy 12:21 AM $

The buzz is so good. I’m considering another midnight cigarette 🚬 $

I just had a bowl of berries for the fiber mostly
But I’m suspicious that if I’m awake for too much longer then I’m probably gonna want to eat a real bowl $

That is the benefit to the buzz
I’m pretty much ready to begin a full days worth of work
Compared to just previously wanting to bundle up like a larva and stay that way till the end of time $

You spend enough time feeling like that then you start realizing how time was created to begin with $$

It is now 12:49 AM and the energy that I was talking about is beginning to fade in a good way after doing last week’s edits $

So I’m hoping to have this timed out perfectly $

To get up in about four hours,
Do a little bit more social work, and then hit the gym $

AnyWho will call the shift with that
It’s a “good night world” for now
See you soon $

Real soon 🔜 $$

It is now 5:15 AM and I am awake
I do not want to do anything lol
But there is a part of me that does actually want to go to the gym $

There is also a legitimate part of me that is wants to go back to bed and wants to go to the gym later after sunrise $

And I’m honestly not quite sure which is a better option $

Nine times out of 10 
I would just have to get up and go but
First of all, I’ve been doing that for the past four years and it’s taking its toll emotionally $

Second
Because I’m supposed to keep doing that especially come spring and summer $

Actually, I just realized I’m bullying myself $$

literally the only reason why I don’t gonna get up
Is because I feel like it’ll make me weak
Or that it is somehow the easy way $$

But this is the time of year to sleep in
Conserve energy for the middle of the day
To maximize growth $$

In a weird way, I want to go now to capture my carbs, which is flawed thinking $

It is 6:25 AM
We just ate a pretty big chicken gain bowl $

I will confess that I am craving cookies
And this is probably 100% psychological
So that’s bittersweet
Literally lol $

But we shall see how I feel once this chicken bowl kicks in $

Because it could just be a matter of timing
Which is usually the case when we’re talking processed foods and fuels
You only crave them because they kick in much faster
And the body loves the easy route $

We’re gonna lay on the floor and force ourselves to try to relax and “gain” and eat as much as we can for a session around noon most likely $

And if come 8 o’clock, I still am craving some stuff then I’m busting out the blueberry oatmeal with syrup
I said it $

*Plays mainly Hal “Saint Paul, the initiate apostle“ $

It is 9:20 AM and we are on the way to planet after a cold shower and a little bit of caffeine and all that $

Just thinking how
 telepathy is just peak consideration and Conscientiousness $$$***

Leaving the Food Lion now
It is 11:14 AM
Had an amazing chest and shoulders and triceps workout
We got some fuel and some food $

We got a good bit of anxiety, but that’s to be expected $

We have notably, more excitement than anxiety though about the same tasks
So that’s a pretty big deal $$

We got 90 eggs
Two boxes of cookies
Two boxes of crackers
Two cans of black beans
And some cat licks for the buddy $

It is 1:06 PM
I am getting a good bit of work done
I’ve eaten 1/3 of the crackers and cookies
And it is pretty remarkable how much fuel I’m burning through $

I don’t have any heaters on or anything and I feel great
But I’m actually going through more fuel than I expected $

I know that sounds crazy $

It is 4:18 PM and we are running by the Food Lion for a second time to do a little cashback maneuver on the way to the gym to do a little Bill paying maneuver that’s a little bit of a unorthodox technique, but it should work
We’re gonna go buy black tea $

It is 5:20 PM and we have returned home after a lovely cardio session
I did not get carried away
I almost did get carried away, though I won’t lie
It was just a fine Shawty, that I was really trying not to look at
And I really didn’t look at
But if I’m being completely honest, I might’ve caught a glimpse of the glutes
It was one of those mostly honest looks lol $

AnyWho, we are back now with a little bit of candy ready to get back to work $

It is now 6:48 p.m. and I have finished another gain bowl
This time with beef
And I swear they keep better every time $

What’s noteworthy though is that the last thing I actually want to eat is a cookie or a cracker $$

This is good because at this point if my insulin and blood sugar and all that were really actually getting pretty fucked up, then I would know it $$

But ever since I got back from running, I’ve been in a very nice clear headed “fasted” state
I only use that word for lack of a better one
Because my run should have essentially signaled on my digestive system to move everything to its right place
And I can tell ever since I left, my body was in burn mode $

Then I started to get pretty hungry pretty quick but again the last thing I wanted was a sugary snack
I was craving exactly what I ate
And it was a big bowl too
But I could probably keep eating if I had still had some already made $

I have plenty left over but my point is that my body is still signaling the right stuff
Even though the 2000 cal of cookies for the first half of the day has me worried sometimes lol $

But I cannot believe that I’m not gaining that
There’s even a small chance that I’ve burned some recently
I’m going off my aesthetic
And how much bigger I look, but yet I’m not getting much actual weight on the scale $

I only did one dose of MK over the weekend as well
Again they were talking 12.5 mg for one evening $

I’ve never claimed to be natural and I’ve always been an open book about these research chemicals
But that’s about as reasonable as it gets $

I simply use it just to get an edge on my recovery day
So if it lets me an extra 5% each week, that is a big effing deal
I don’t need it every day
When it would probably be robbed by stress anyway $$

I’m beginning to swerve a bit $

If I keep feeling chatty, then that’ll be good
Maybe I can turn that into some content that I need for this site $

And I guess this is one of those silent victory days because I officially uploaded the primary workouts to the main page $

And while they may see some future adjustments or aesthetic changes or this or that- they are 100% functional $

It’s one of those moments that I’m now realizing that the ancients are probably celebrating for me even though it seems kind of lonely, lol $$

But I’m feeling good
Should have an upgraded buzz on the way here soon, so we’ll turn our attention to social media $

We have a lot of preloaded jokes from yesterday so that should be fun $

Let the good times roll $

Lol I know I was just saying I didn’t want cookies but I’m eating the rest of one box now $

A Craving hit kind of hard not long ago
But that’s mostly because the bowl that I ate was higher in fat than anything else so I can tell that my digestive system started off on a different type of leg
This is the common thing where if you eat something salty then after a bit, you might crave something sweet $$

It is 7:36 PM and I think I’m gonna go ahead and try to go to first sleep
Might do some work when I get up in the middle of the night
But I want a fresh brain pallet $

It is 11:01 PM and we are up and at the movies $

We are restarting the show. “Travelers“ $

Which is a pretty good show that I watched probably about 18 months ago or so $

I think I’m just now beginning to forget it $

It’s about time travelers from the future, coming back and possessing the consciousnesses of people who die $

But by going back and commandeering their bodies as vessels, then they try to work to prevent major cataclysmic events from occurring in order to say the future. $

I will also confess for the record my indigestion because apparently it really isn’t the best idea to eat a bunch of cookies after a big gain bowl 🥣 $$$*

So far the show just as good as the last time $

It’s kind of funny cause this is a show that I would’ve been hating on about five years ago
“That’s not realistic, bro” $

Silly me $

I think I’m gonna bring in the new day with a little bit of a reading break $

Another one of those things to where if you told me I’d be where I’m at five years ago, I would’ve thought you were blowing smoke 💨 $$

Pun intended $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-9-26

Happy 1:11 AM $

Good morning world, 
and all in it and around it and above it and below it $$

After a pretty good sleep, we are arriving at the movies now
I think I might actually try to find a movie this time $

Well, I guess I picked a documentary 
kind of counts as a movie right? lol $

So we’re watching “the investigation of Lucy Letby“ $

Which I think is about somebody doing fucked up things to newborn children in the hospital or something $

They’re opening with the scene of her arrest
And they did a little shot of her saying goodbye to the cat
And I swear to God, if anything bad happened to the cat, 
I will fucking find out 🐈 $$$

I love that cat so much and I just saw it for 5.3 seconds $

I love all kitties $$$

Holy shit, they arrested her for murdering eight babies $

Is it bad that I’m relieved to hear that they were human humans instead of cats? $

I swear I am the youngest, strongest, most masculine, crazy cat lady that there is $$

We’re about 20 minutes in and it’s pretty crazy how it’s likely this bitch did this
At least 13 babies dude $

I made a post not long ago about nurses being crazy 
but nobody wanna listen or talk about it… $$$$$$$$$

She’s so stonefaced and cold too
She literally kept a bunch of different trophies
Like actual documents $

This is why hell actually exist, 
ladies and germs,
Or in this case, germs and gents
Cause it is the females who are responsible for the Fuckery this time $

This is the feminine extreme
The sneaky ultimate spite
Nothing more heinous than killing the most innocent and trying to cover it up $$$

The masculine extreme Is the school shooting scenario
Both of which- absolutely tragic and heartbreaking and inexcusable 
yet are relatively consistent for some reason $

This is where I would go on a tangent about all kinds of trauma and mental instability and true evil versus true sickness and this in that, but I think we all get it $$

Shit is just simply fucked up $$

But if it wasn’t fucked up, 
then it couldn’t be awesome 
and there would be no meaning for these beautiful souls tragic passing $$

It is 1:56 AM and I can feel the carb cravings kicking in
(removed incorrect observation about indigestion
At least incorrect as of edits one week later lol) $$

They’ve arrested this bitch like 3 times now wtf $

I’ll say this
Once you’ve gone through hell, you don’t give two shits about judgment from other people
Because the only people who would judge you clearly have not gone through hell, and they’re just emotional children
Regardless of status or power or anything
One’s principles and integrity is all that matters $$$

All right, well I don’t wanna ruin the twist but now they’re throwing out a whole different curveball and a whole different angle to the story
It is interesting but the documentary filmmakers are kind of shitty because the whole first half they pretty much gaslit you into believing a certain thing,
Saying that If you’re gonna make something with this kind of twist, then you need to do a good job of seeding for it because now I feel like a bad guy for arriving at the judgment they forced upon me $

And I get that that is probably the point
But they still could’ve done it smoother $

Sales taught me that if you do not seed for a bold pitch then you are fucked lol $$*

I need to think about how some of the best investigative minds were likely held back by some simple technology $

Which is what I felt like for the first three years of getting into personal training when I didn’t know how to make a reel on Instagram lol $

It is now 3 AM & time for second sleep
Before I finish a bunch of cookies 🍪 $

I think I’m probably gonna bump legs until mid afternoon so I can eat and rest as much as possible $

Has anyone ever actually gone to Purdue university online? $$

It is 9:14 AM and we are getting to moving $

I can’t believe I used to beat myself up for not being my best three minutes after waking up
But when you’re surrounded by sensitive people who’s first reaction is to deflect their emotional natures onto those nearest to them, 
then it makes sense that one might wake up a little defensively $$

I don’t care what anyone says
The real “you” comes out during times of stress in trouble
Not when everything is peachy cream
So if you have not seen somebody handle adversity, 
then I would highly recommend you refrain from judging and trusting until then $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$*

If somebody gets upset and begins to ignore reason, 
then they are upset because they want to be
And it has very little to do with you $$**

It is now 11:31 AM
We’ve eaten some rice and beans and butter
And a third of cookies, cough cough
Legs are coming up probably in the next 90 minutes or so so that’s very exciting $

I think I’m about to make a bunch of new/old cutoffs $

So that’s probably symbolic of something $

I am proud of the fact that I’ve made it this far with zero caffeine
A little extra on the sludge though, but the buzz is pretty weak $

I think I’m gonna try to save the other half of my tablet for this evening $

I’m really trying to find the right routine to balance staying up later and sleeping longer and not feeling like a guilty piece of shit for sleeping past sunrise $

Because I keep laughing at myself on how I’ve become traumatized in the workaholic since
Saying, if I’m not making every minute productive, I certainly feel so bad $

But just being aware of all of that, 
pretty much stops it absolutely these days
And instead of beating myself up, it’s more laughing at myself and getting back to the next right thing $

It is 12:40 PM
We have a new batch of cut offs
We’re running to the store to get some carbs and some fuel
And then to the gym $

My neighbor has the coolest classic car collection, man
He has these two Mustangs that are my dream cars
I need it
I need it so bad.. $$$

I think the point is most people think that just because they don’t take care of themselves, that doesn’t impact those closest to them
And that could not be further from the truth $$$****

Every day you neglect to do something to feel better about yourself you’re gonna indirectly take it out on those closest to you $$$***

If you can change the temperature of the room just by walking in it, 
then you can change it a lot more by contributing to it positively $$$***

We are leaving the lion now with five boxes of cinnamon graham crackers
24 pack of water
Four sticks of butter
1 pound of the 7327 ground beef
1.3 pounds of a ham steak
And 1 L of coconut water
All in all came out to be right about 36 bucks 🦁 
(Legendary trip) $$*

On the way out the door to the gym I finally got to make a formal introduction to Stan
Who I believe to be Alex’s dad
who Is a cat to clear any confusion
But this is awesome because I haven’t seen him in months
And he just let me feed him
Even did a little nose boop before beginning to growl at me
Hope he comes around more cause he seems to actually be pretty sweet $

Let the record reflect I’m returning home at 2:44 PM in the middle of a carb crash. $

I can feel a headache coming on and my energy level is crashing quickly $

Luckily, I prepared for this by getting a bunch of graham crackers
But it just reinforces my theory that I am burning so much more than I thought I was and I’m also building a lot of muscle pretty quick $

I mean, I really might be close to half a pound a week if not closer to a pound
That’s insane to do it naturally without gaining too much fat mass $

These cinnamon crackers are the best $$

It is now 8:15 PM and we are stepping outside for our evening smoke 💨 $

We got a good bit of work done
The invisible, structural, creative, not so sexy work though
But the very, very, very important stuff
Hopefully, it’ll make tomorrow a little bit easier $$

It’s bittersweet because I know once I finish this long list of the tedious stuff,
 the “hard” stuff will be pretty easy $$

Dinner was a bit unorthodox so far
I ate the entire box of graham crackers after the gym, 
and I clearly needed it to refuel
The warm weather is kind of thrown off my calorie math, but I still feel pretty good $

I had half a ham steak and a bunch of onion petals basically
If you’ve ever been to outback and had the blooming onion, then I had it’s frozen generic equivalent
But it was pretty good $

I joke that biologically speaking my body probably doesn’t know the difference between this and going out to eat $

So hopefully once I start getting more social, I won’t biologically run out of all my energy as fast $

And I’m hoping I’ll have at least a slight advantage on eating the expensive type of processed food $

It’s bittersweet because I really am enjoying doing the tedious building work
Like with all the aesthetic edits & this and that
Because it is mindless
But it is pulling from the same energy bank that all the unconscious trauma stress is pulling from
So the quality of work is not suffering, but the amount of it is $$*

If I didn’t have all this existential shit distracting me every half hour I could probably get lost and work hours and hours $

Like the last couple years… Lol $

I know all of this has been part of my training
And that my rapidly deteriorating very ill family is the real weight that I’m trying to lift $$

While just trying to keep the utilities cut on for now $

And I’m really not trying to be dramatic cause I could care less 
it’s just in the same world of an energy drain $

And it’s kind of sad how my neighbor just got home and pulled directly into the garage and closed the garage door before even getting out of the car $

And I made sure to wait, but who knows if they saw $

But one of the houses next to me is a rental
And I’ve seen the tenants come and go a couple times $

The last group was a bunch of car bros, who had really annoying loud cars, 
but overall decent enough neighbors for the most part $

They had lived there for about 10 months when I finally worked up the emotional energy to make an introduction
This is back in 2021 right when I first started smoking weed again and was trying to meet normal people $

So we made some jokes, and I made an open invitation to hang out or to smoke a joint or something
And the dude said yeah “maybe next month after I check my calendar because we have this race week thing” $

Which is one of the most bitch ass answers I’ve ever gotten 
but whatever
I know it was a lie, cause I never heard from them again $$

They lived there for another two years before quietly moving out sometime last year $

And this couple moved in right before my relationship ended
And I know my ex met the lady that lives there
But I haven’t personally spoken to them yet $

I mean, I don’t blame them for keeping their distance because I look like the classic street fighter bro or something $

And I’m sure they’ve caught me boxing in my garage more than once 
without a shirt on $

Considering how the guy won’t even make eye contact with me tho
& I have a feeling he might not be all about the same life that I am… lol $

Who we have finished half our cigarette and we are back inside and we are winding down $

We’re trying to relax Guilt free
Which is kind of working kind of not $

I really wanna try to get an hour or so before I go lay down to sleep for a digestion sake $

But I have zero emotional energy left to really do anything $

It is 11:56 PM over here getting up for first shift $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-11-26

Good morning world $

It is 12:01 AM
On two – 12–26 $

I just noticed I have legitimate calluses on my knees now $

If that’s not symbolic for humility at this point, 
then I don’t know what it is $$$

We are watching “the sinner“
Which I saw the first season of back in like 2018 during this weird hurricane
I remember cause I was basically trapped at my mom’s house, even though it didn’t really storm that hard $

I’m not sure who warned me about birdwatching in your 30s, but they were right $$**

I just didn’t expect to have the perfect house for the sneaky set ups for birdwatching
Just gotta get a good camera 📸 $

“I’m just doing my job”
“I’m just doing what they pay me for”
“I don’t ask questions. “
“I just do what they tell me“
Type of people make me sick 🤮 $$$***
(Under negative pretenses OFC/ otherwise that’s honorable lol)

If you or somebody has to ask, “do you work out”
Then you are an amateur at best $$$

(And so is who is asking the Q) $$

Happy 1:23 AM
We have finished some midnight mobility and most of episode one of “the sinner” $

We are playing the helicopter game with a baby buzz
It is quite delightful $

I’m actually on the fence if I should take another 1/4 tab or not $

1/8 has been my focused dose
1/4 has been my relaxed dose
When half has been my fuck it dose $

But the last 1/8 that I took is hitting so good
That I just don’t think I need a full 1/4 $

* splits tablet $

Take that addiction $$$

In times of stress and trauma, my usage works in reverse
And I assert my 9.3 years of complete perfect sobriety during the most tempting period of my life as evidence that when I get stressed out, I usually just work hard $

Which comes with certain problems, 
but those problems are a lot better than the opposite
Let me tell you $$

Cause trying to convince somebody to work more is nowhere near sexy as trying to get them to work a little bit less and relax more $$

So AnyWho
We just did a nice little bump
( not an actual bump for all you coke heads out there- basically just licking powder off my finger) $

Cause other side tangent-
The pro & the con about these seven hydroxy tablets is the dosing $

I use basically the smallest dose that I can find 
from a brand that is about as consistent as you can expect when it comes down to plant based poisons $

But that also is a pro because that means I don’t have to take that many capsules and it kicks in and digests much better $

But when you’re taking a 10 mg tablet, which is about the size of your fingernail,
And you’re chopping it into eighths,
It’s gets kind of dusty and crumbly $

Just reinforcing its potency
Because you only need a couple crumbs or to lick a little bit of dust in your fingertip $$$

And the tablets are usually “chewable”
So it’s always this weird kind of minty breath like texture $

Just to make it extra Great for habit forming lol $

But it is the opposite of the sludgy sludge $

And y’all know how I feel about balance and pendulum and opposites and poisons $

*Lighter flick $

Part of me wants to read
Part of me wants to keep watching TV
It is 1:31 AM
But really I’m just trying to kill a few more minutes. 
See if we a few extra of molecules of dopamine want to show up to the party 🎊 $

I will visit my hunger for the record as well
Because if there’s one controlled substance I’m most worried about it, 
it Is these crackers and cookies $$

As of now, I have zero cravings and have zero hunger signals
I am pretty thirsty though
Which is overall good sign
Likely because of the salty food today for dinner
Which is good to help me get back into a more balanced fat burn state $

I do not have any cookies which is intentional
But I do have four full boxes of cinnamon graham crackers on standby $$

I think I’m gonna stop kidding myself with my plan for the gym and just anticipate the motivation showing up sometime around noon $

So I guess technically I don’t need to eat before I go back to sleep, but I would need to eat a pretty big breakfast $

And in a perfect world, 
During build season ,
I’m gonna try to get back to eating something in the morning
But who knows $

I will say
If you are in a peak hypertrophy/bodybuilding phase,
Meaning your muscles and your pathways are all conditioned pretty heavy,
Then there are few workouts better than a late evening or late night heavily fueled DB/cable / machine triathlons 
It’s like visiting all your favorite sites and sounds in Pump city
Especially if you got some good new music
And if the vibe in the gym is that perfect level of “not too dead, but not too busy”
With the perfect amount of quiet, moderately attractive strangers.. $

Whenever I’m basically holding myself back from chugging water, there is a good sign I got a lot of sodium on standby lol $

And considering yesterday was a leg hypertrophy day
These bitches should swell up like sponges 🧽 $

I actually think my body used The 1500 cal of crackers I ate immediately after leg day fairly responsibly $

And truth be told I probably have maybe another 6 to 8 weeks of being carb dependent and it being justifiable $

I’m just so used to being fasted for most of the day
Or eating some super big meal or something like that that it’s kinda hard to get back to the basics with this $

But physically speaking my body remembers a lot quicker than emotionally speaking $

It is 1:44 AM and we’re gonna try to do a little bit of reading
I don’t really feel too much motivation to do it
It’s more like I’m doing it to take a break from watching Netflix and other work stuff
So we’ll see if that changes
But we’re picking up with David Goggins “can’t hurt me“ $

Also kind of funny how my furnace is working
And it’s 29° so I’m not gonna talk that much shit cause I am pretty happy $

Last few days it was on Vacay $

Hearing him talk about when he passed his test to get into the Navy,
Has me thinking about how many people have gone through that silent victory $

Or had their entire future hang on a button click
Or a phone call $

I remember when I passed my real estate exam & basically having an internal celebration
And trying to contain my excitement as I walk to collect my results was very difficult to do $

It’s kind of funny how I passed a real estate exam the first try but it failed the personal training exam first try $$

There were so many technical errors when I tried to even just take that exam but that is a whole different column
But I basically spent the months of February and March in 2022 just trying to actually log into the test successfully $

I failed because they naturally gamified the whole system and asked questions designed to make you purchase their expensive tutoring program
Ironically which has nothing to do with actual training programs $

So it was only a matter of time before I would go on this Crusade on trying to revamp everything and blah blah blah $

Oh yeah, back to the silent victories $

I was pretty pissed the first time I failed the test because that was on March 14
And then I immediately went on a three day weed run to Michigan to clear my head
And then I came back and passed the test on April fools day $

just saying that out loud 
wearing my skittle snuggle 
in my study 
just hits completely different now lol $$

What a ride $

But that day after I passed that exam, 
I went to Wilmington , “Freeman Park”
I was by myself biologically at least
I remember sitting on the beach and collecting a bunch of shells
And then on the way back, I got a steak from this beachfront restaurant, 
and it was awful to be honest lol $

But at least I went
And because I had gone there a few times in my solitude soul search,
It was muscle memory when I dragged my ex 
who is a phenomenal photographer
 back out there
Culminating in some of the pics that you probably have seen on the site $

Including my most favorite iconic “smoke on the beach” $

We did two photo shoots at that beach $

And the jeep only got caught for a little bit on the second time lol $

But it prompted a fight, 
which overall was relatively minor, 
but did spiritually trigger some strange feelings of familiarity $$

Being on the beach with a childish female, breaking down, 
seemed very familiar
Very, very, very familiar… $$

Some things take a lot to fully kick in lol $$

Reminding myself how 
I need to do a better job at weekly digital purges, and clean outs
Meaning, I need to go back through and delete and restore and re-organize on a regular basis just because of how much of a relief I feel after doing it
It is like an exercise of its own for sure $

AnyWho, it is 2:07 AM
I do feel as if I’ve made some kind of progress
We’re going to upgrade the buzz
Probably try to kill a little bit longer maybe even eat the rest of that ham steak
I feel like that would be a perfect thing
See if we can find something interesting to watch on TV now $

The worst thing that could happen to your relationship is if your significant other suddenly tried too hard to please you every single step of the way $$*

Which is exactly what Netflix is doing with all these recommendations $

Like stop just putting “binge worthy” on everything
Just go back to the preset categories $$$

It’s getting too annoying
They literally got rid of most features cause they’re just relying on its recommendations
Which is pretty cocky and clearly failing
So we’re gonna go back to Amazon for a moment and see
Probably have some good summer nostalgia $

Lol, I don’t know why I feel in the mood for a good old prison show right now $

Well, we landed on some conspiracy documentary from 2015 $

You gotta give Amazon credit for having all of the fringe documentaries and shows $$

I don’t know how long my enthusiasm is gonna last, but let’s do it a little smoking game
Which is just gonna be adding keif hash to each hit until I am so stoned I can’t even see my eyes open
And I’m gonna do a tiny bump every 30 minutes until I fall asleep $$

(lol I’m playing that game while doing edits organically one week later-that cycles for you)

And I’ll read at least half a chapter every hour I’m awake $

Even though I doubt I’m gonna make it even one hour from now $

There’s hit number one at 2:18
The Kratom buzz is an honest, 6.5 🐝 $

I’ve now realized why I was reluctant to doing all this digital house cleaning though 
Only took me three seconds before I ran into a bunch of heartfelt pictures with the ex
And they stung, not gonna lie $

She actually recently texted me
To let me know that she was about to delete all of our official pictures from the place where I have downloaded them from.. $

Which is 100% totally reasonable
And I’m glad she gave me the heads up
But it just reinforces that whole moving on kind of thing
And even though she moved out a year ago minus a week or so,
It’s still stings sometimes $

I can’t even say I’m romantically beat up over it
It was such a profound and important character building learning experience
And I’m so grateful for the all of the shit because of what it taught me and how it’s made me feel now
And how I can avoid making those mistakes for the rest of my life now because I got it out of my system $

So it’s hard to articulate the spiritual heartbreak I still feel
Because I don’t have any desire to resume any romantic relationships 
I guess in many ways, I just value her as a person and her potential to such a high degree, as well as her skill set that it really hurts to watch it seemingly be ruined by petty drama and controllable opinions, and addiction to comfort and all of that $

(I’m sure she could say many of those same things about me tho so fairs fair) $

I didn’t even make it two minutes into this documentary before I had to pause it to go on this tangent
Then I have to remember next Thursday that my edits might take a little longer $

(FUCK I KNEW IT LOL )

*Loads bowl $$

Conspiracy theory documentaries plus cannabis plus Kratom plus midnight equals one hell of a time $$$$***

*Lighter flick $$

Although I gotta say out the gate, 
I’m probably not gonna make it far with this one
They are all very hit or miss
But after you’ve seen so many of them, you’ve heard the same old story and you’ve seen the same old characters too many times $$

That’s why I started bugging out so hard over the summer is because once you start seeing the psyops within the psyops, that’s when you start writing shit on walls lol $$***

Oh, this is dope. 
They have “locked up abroad”
If you haven’t seen this show, then you definitely should before you ever consider picking up something suspicious on a vacation $$$****

I have finished the rest of that ham steak
Adjusting for the water weight that’s an honest pound at least of salty protein pretty much
It came with some kind of sugary glaze too that I discovered last time so that was probably another couple hundred calories of sugar to really complete meal $

(Bro and then I eat ham again exactly one week later organically
Talk about unconscious routine cravings)

I’m trying to give it another 10 or 15 minutes before tearing into this graham crackers though $

I swear I’m not trying to be funny
It’s just what my stomach is telling me $

Kind of funny how this episode of locked up abroad it is about a British special secret service agent, 
whos on a mission gone wrong
And he’s imprisoned in India, and they don’t believe him $

… one of them weird nostalgia feelings… $

Thinking more and more that if you designed a group of people to exist in the coldest harshest climate,
They would obviously have to be able to warm themselves up,
So overtime, it would almost be like they’re kissed by an internal fire aesthetically $

So that’s how you have gingers 🫚 $$

And dare I say,
the attractive ones look like they’ve been kissed by fire
And the ugly ones look like they’ve been consumed by it… $$$*

I mean, seriously, 
you could look at Ginger-itis as almost an aesthetic kiss of death
Cause nine out of 10 times the ginger gene does not compliment attractiveness well..
Just saying.. $$$*

And I know I ain’t everybody’s cup of tea
But I am certainly enough $$$

( 🥰 🤗 🥰) 

Everyone’s real tough until they can’t get what they want
Then you get to see what kind of dragon they’re dealing with $$$

Fuck it dude it is 3:12 AM and I’m going in for more crackers $

I wish I could see the general manager when they do the stock for the graham crackers at the Food Lion
 and they see such a surge last 4 weeks $$

I imagine for years nobody really bought the generic food Lion cinnamon graham crackers 
and now they’re basically disappearing the second they restock lol $

And then, if they were to check the footage, they would just see this homeless ginger with a pony tail, 
strolling in at sunrise, 
grabbing boxes and eggs and cat treats and waters
Damn near every day $$

Then when they start seeing the Cookie inventory too.. $

Those crackers are so good man I swear to God they’re a secret
The ingredients really are not that bad
As long as the actual flower and oil isn’t tainted too bad
I am going to be a water buffalo though because I am chugging water 💧 $

It is 3:27 AM and I failed to consider laying back down & in the digestion and all of that
Cause I’m starting to get sleepy
But on that now, I think based on just the actual shape of the stomach and how it sits
If you lay on your left side, 
so with your right shoulder up, 
then it is the best you get from an alignment perspective so that way things can flow if you know what I mean
So I usually start on my left side, then flipped to my right after an hour or two $

Fuck it we’re going to second sleep
Good night world 🫡 $

It is 7:41 AM $

We are feeling pretty good, but I’m just thinking more and more about how I feel now versus the last couple years recent $

Because I’ve been seriously forced to get up and go
And work the second my eyes open
Or deal with some bullshit the second my eyes open
I have traumatized myself into always feeling the need to be ready to perform $$*

The issue is that “perform” means many different things
I could easily stroll into the gym and start coaching right now, especially after a little caffeine
Because that does not take too much intellectual energy anymore $

But when it comes down to creating and strategizing, 
that’s like the intellectual powerlifting equivalent, 
so no matter how good you are, you’re going to fatigue after a few reps of honest effort $$$

And doing that first thing in the morning is not ideal
Just ask any creative lol $$$***

But last year, especially when I was under so much pressure to pay the bills from writing,
nothing was anywhere close to being ready yet.
I just put too much pressure on myself, knowing that I had to do the impossible
Knowing that I would fail $

I guess when I’m trying to say is, 
I know I didn’t need as much Adderall lol $$

I think any collection of authentic failures could be considered quality art as long as you’re not a victim about it or take it too serious $$**

It is 9:46 AM and I’m going on my son walk
We’ve been riding ways of anxiety all morning, but that’s all right
Just Working on the technique $

Just ate a pretty decent size gain ball with rice beans, butter eggs
I’m feeling pretty motivated to go to the gym, but I think it’s trigger fueled
I’ve been watching some of Will Tennysons videos $

I love some of the topics $

It is now 10:40 AM and we are doing some reading $

It is 1149 and we’re making some oats $

“What kind of God would allow all that suffering” $

The kind of God that is far smarter than you and far more concerned with a bigger picture 
and far more aware of more variables than you could ever be
Also, the kind of God that is more concerned with meaning and merit, 
and if he were to eliminate that soul’s suffering, he would also eliminate the amazing trophy that soul is going to receive once it is all set and done
And also this God would not be very consistent with his techniques if he intervened anytime somebody wanted to act a fool $$**

Because the hardest thing is allowing somebody else to act a fool, 
even if you know the outcome in the long run $$*

So by God allowing suffering, 
he’s doing the hard thing to give other souls the opportunity to learn some shit $$*

People with ADHD do not gain interest in a lot of extra things,
They lose interest in things very quickly and have to keep trying new shit out which seems like they’re interested in a lot of things, but really they probably hate what they’re doing $$$$$$$$******

It’s actually pretty crazy how much longer and for how much hotter I have to boil these organic oats versus the traditional $$

I’m not complaining. I just think it might be suspicious.
Five minutes with the regular on a low boil usually has them pretty softened up
But the organic needs closer to 10 minutes & it seems on a high boil $$

The brief sip of caffeine that I had has begun to fade sadly
Not the biggest deal because we got some tea waiting on us $

I guess by us, I’m referring to my multiple personalities lol $

It is 4:56 PM and we are leaving planet now with a pretty glorious pop. 
I will not lie and deny.
The only bad part is I am so blind, I can’t even see it live
I truly don’t know $$

It is 6:35 PM and we are doing some dashing
We just had to back out a half mile out of some driveway so that was fun $

So far 
-2 sleeves of crackers
-1 small bowl of rice & beans 
Post gym $

It is now 7:22 PM
We have been blessed for three smooth, dare I say flawless orders so far
 knock on wood
We’re doing a quick little smoke break and see if we can get back to work $

Just got noticed that the first order added an additional tip
That’s so kind
Doubt they’ll ever see this, but just know that I’m grateful $$$

It is now 8:29 PM and we are calling it after a very slow evening
We got some food money so that’s a big win $

Really just focusing on getting the routine down
And jumping through one hoop at a time, lol $

I’m probably gonna have to start skipping the midnight movies and go back to having some kind of consecutive long block of sleep $

It pains me to say that, 
but if I actually want to be able to enjoy the midnight movies over the summer, then I’m gonna need to do something $

(Ehh who fucking knows honestly I love the midnight too much) $

It is 9:50 PM and time for first sleep
I know I just said the whole thing about not doing the midnight movies, 
but in times of stress, 
I do it to have some kind of waking but solo time to digest everything and process trauma
I have found it has been more beneficial to spend two or three hours a week than asleep $$**

I was wrestling if I should I go to bed or not, but I think I’m gonna try to wait and then probably end up eating right when I get up $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-12-26

Happy 113
Good morning world $

It’s here $

Friday the 13th $$

And we’ve got two of them back to back when you look towards March
That’s pretty freaking cool $$$

Anyhow, we are up somewhat reluctantly because the restlessness was beginning to sink in even though we got a little bit of decent sleep $

Hate to say it, but I will admit it
The phase in what you gotta go on a bunch of random cringe dates to find yourself is soul wrenching
 but worth it $$$***

I guess that’s why I’m over~compensating with the notepad
Because after all of the pointless monologues I went on in my last relationship,
I cannot allow that to happen again. $$

It is 2:14 AM and I cannot stop laughing at my own ridiculousness
I am truly not hungry but I am about to eat another sleeve of crackers lol
Which will make one complete box since leaving the gym alone at 5 PM
And besides that all I’ve had is one bowl of rice and beans
So pretty much straight rocket fuel since I left the gym lol $

I really am gonna try to put the nutritious food to first thing in the morning
And eat as many fat calories as I can now that I’ve pretty much officially moved my hypertrophy training to the evening $

But up until recent, I haven’t even been able to think about hypertrophy training because of my diet and stress and all $

So right now I just don’t want food food, but I could probably find the place to put the extra 600 cal $

Who knows if I actually stick to the plan or not?
I’m just laughing at myself
Because besides that I really do feel pretty great $

I mean, I really do believe that if I had a magic wand, 
and I suddenly removed all circumstantial bullshit,
 that I would be the equivalent of being on Molly all the time
But all natural baby $

So even though physically I’m a little restless and irritable sometimes,
And certainly jittery,
It’s mostly a problem of privilege or being very sensitive to some bullshit $$

So AnyWho, we’ve upgraded the buzz and we’re just waiting on it to arrive $

If we’re at a 3 now then we’re hoping to land at 7 by 3 a.m. $

It’s a pretty warm night at around 40° $

*Turns off space heater
**Furnace cuts on unexpectedly $

Sure, I might be pacing in my living room, but it’s not out of anxiety,
It’s out of energy. $$*

It’s been very interesting to see that I can gain muscle mass still by netting about four or five hours of sleep each night
On top of enough emotional stress trauma that could institutionalize anybody $$

Proving once again, mind over matter $$$

I don’t even know if I’ve heard of it but we’re watching “dirty John” now
It’s kinda hard to describe, but it’s about a super cringey relationship basically
At least so far $

I’m going to try something responsible before I turn into these crackers, however
Because I really can tell that I don’t actually even need fuel, but part of me is a little nervous because the last few times I decided to try to “fast”
I have learned real quickly, how dependent my body had become on glucose via the form of a bitching headache $

So I’m gonna do a shot of electrolytes
Instead of a shot of sludge or something $

Mostly to see if it takes whatever little hunger craving I have a way $

There’s also a chance that my minor restlessness is a fuel related warning sign, and I could be emotionally misinterpreting the hunger because of stress
Which is why I have the crackers on standby
Because if that is the case,
And if I am truly gaining as much mass as I think I am,
That’s always a recipe for emotional disaster if you don’t have your carbs ready $$*

Being able to eat only rocket fuel for 24 hours and run like a nice smooth vehicle is a superpower though
And once I’m able to actually run ultramarathons every day like it ain’t shit, I’m gonna cite this day at 2:22 AM as one of the best “ I told you so” moments of all time $$

I will admit, though 
that these crackers, rice, and beans equal some exhaust if you know what I’m saying $$

*Farts loudly $

I guess this is a good time to mention that not all farts are the same. 
The loud ones are the safe and innocent ones believe it or not.
They’re just basically pressure and air cause they don’t really smell 👃 $$

But the ones that stink are the ones you gotta worry about
And they’re always silent $$

And that’s all I’m gonna say about that $

*takes knee $

This is coming from a guy who’s lived on pretty much mass gainer and processed poisoned for the past 13 years and is considered an example of “optimal health” $$

Physically atleast… $$

Because of all the crazy, actual good shit that I do outside of that 
so you know, take what I say with a gram of salt $$$

Literally $$$

I keep doing the egg test on myself
Seeing if I’m ready to eat those seven eggs
Sometimes if I crave them runny or over medium instead of scrambled, that is good insight into my fuel level
Because runny & over medium are easier to eat, 
but scrambled is more filling, especially without any side $$*

Well, I want to wait a bit and do runny with a bunch of rice and beans 🫘 $

And then I’m gonna make another pound of ground beef with the gain bowls this afternoon $

I don’t wanna jinx it, but I’m guessing that because it is substantially warmer that I should have more fuel remaining compared to last month or the last few weeks
I think that’s really a big part of why my energy crashed suddenly and brought on those headaches $

It is important to note that my headaches decreased in intensity so I was able to successfully treat them better in real time both with fuel and hydration $

And being that it was my first month truly going manual mode with the heating, I’m certain that there was a lot of adjustment calibration wise $

But now that I am both efficient with the heating,
and it is now a little bit warmer,
That ma be my calorie expenditure might drop just a little bit $

Friendly reminder that every day millions of people put their shitty relationship in front of the family and friends that matter
Don’t be one of them $$$***

I think at this point it’s safe to admit that the ancients got more right than wrong when it came down to dating and marriage $$$***

Imagine believing you only have one life and subjugating yourself to dead end relationships because you’re too arrogant to think that maybe there’s more to the story $$$**

So you come back as the kid to your daughter’s asshole boyfriend $$$**

*Coughs 33 times $$

**Glances at crackers $

It’s 2:34 AM
And I’m just gonna say that time is on our side $$*

I wonder what it’s gonna take to have the most esoteric notepad of all time $

I’m sure I’m gonna figure it out 
one day at a time though $$

I think it’s important to go through a phase in which you throw logic to the wind on a fantasy
Bonus points if a relationship is involved $$**

But the real test is going to see how you clean up your mess $$***

Which reminds me ~ I need to do last week’s edits $

Brb $

It is 3:23 AM and we are about halfway through last week’s edits before I needed a break $

I predict my daily writings are gonna slowly get shorter just because I’m getting tired of editing so much 
but also because I feel like I’ve scratched a good bit of itches over the past few months $$

So the tangents will change in time $

Fuck it, bro 
I think we’re gonna go to sleep
Or listen to a podcast until we actually fall asleep $

It is no set 18 a.m. and we’re getting up
Kind of disorder, of course $
(???) 

It is 9:18 AM and we are up and moving
We even got some sunlight in the eyes already
Shaking off a little rust before the morning sun walk $

And then the goal is to have as big of a breakfast as a reasonably can $

It is 10:20 AM and we have eaten a pretty decent gain bowl $

About to hit another sun walk
Pretty crazy ik $

The small little things are starting to get pretty hard to do again
 so I think I’m pretty overdue for a mushroom $

I think it’s a part of my message to the world is that you can be completely sick and be stone cold sober $$

(But not stoned cold sober…)

(Sorry I’ll keep quit) $

When I was a teenager and I was biologically hijacked, I still did not come close to killing myself
At least intentionally
But after nine years of stone cold sobriety, and doing everything damn as perfect as you can expect some suburban shithead to do,
I was highly highly considering it $$

And it was like it was against my Will,
I didn’t want to die, 
and I didn’t want to actually inflict the pain of going through the act of killing myself and I know what that would do to everybody around me,
But I just couldn’t bear the thought of continuing on the way I was for too much longer
And my ego had begun to devise situations and circumstances in which I could essentially just “no longer have to worry about it” $$$*

in days like today when my biggest problem is killing time till when I can go to the gym in the afternoon, 
it is very easy to forget that even just a year ago, I was on the verge of being re-institutionalized 
not even because my chemicals were that bad even though they were pretty fucked,
But simply because I had no other idea how to escape the madness that was around around me $$

I mean, 
it’s extra fucked up when your significant other suddenly starts to despise you just because of who you voted for when everybody was gaslit to begin with.. $$$

And kind of on the more specific note even though I voted for Trump, 
I knew the whole fucking game was rigged 
So whatever happens and comes out with all this Epstein shit,
I was already under the impression of damned if we do damned if we don’t $$$***

Cause I guarantee you this shit runs so deep that it’s not fair for anybody on the outside to properly judge without making matters worse within their own personal affairs which is why this whole thing is so fucked up $$$***

I mean, 
I’m convinced that the evil Cabal controlling everything that controls both political parties,
essentially staged everything to allow Trump to win by giving people reason enough to gaslight themselves into thinking it could be different this time even though pretty much everybody knew when they casted that ballot~ that it wasn’t gonna be that much $$$*

At least the balanced responsible adults, because those who go full Maga and start screaming at liberals and all of that~
 deserve what they have coming to them just as much as the pedophiles in power $$$***

My point out is that when you have many reasonable, hard-working people just trying to make the best decision that they can for themselves & their country,
Under the full understanding that they’re probably being played for a fool no matter what they do,
Then it makes it very shitty to judge your brother or sister based off what they feel like is best $$$*****

Regardless of affiliation and preference $$$$****

It is 10:59 AM and we have completed another sun walk
And we may have just finally closed the tab on a very sentimental webpage
My ex is getting rid of all of our photos,
Mostly the ones of me, of course
She was kind enough to let me know that she’s deleting them by the end of the week
Which is a good thing because it’s time to move on on that front too
I’ve saved probably 10% for keepers
The rest, I will release to the Devine and the angels to do with as they see fit $

It is 11:52 AM and we’re gonna do some reading $

Kind of cool that I’m finding articles about the benefits of tea
Even though I’ve been drinking it daily for the past year almost
Check my notes bitch
Another win for the intuition column $$$

Few things make you feel worse than trying to share a victory with the wrong person $$$******

Skateboarding taught me the importance of how to spin something $$$*****

Most need to learn the concept of being right and wrong at the same time $$$****

It is 1:43 PM and I am at planet 🌎 $

It is 509 and I have been home for a while. I will not lie.
I got distracted by my stress and some minor admin related activities that required my attention
And apparently all my emotional energy $

But we made it through those hoops with a little room to spare
We’re trying to fuel up and I’m gonna try to do some dashing tonight
Fuck around and see what happens
Being that is Valentine’s Day weekend $

Just reminding myself, 
I’d rather spend it alone in a car with somebody else’s pizza than in my recliner but in a bad relationship.. $$$****

As fucked up as it all is 
and as crazy as everybody wants to go crusading over this Epstein shit,
I promise you, the pedophiles are not only in Congress $$$*****

There are countless people that you encounter each and every day that deep down, 
agree with all of this Epstein shit $$$$****

if not wish they were actually a part of it… $$

but they will probably pretend to be offended $$

It is 6:35 PM and that was a pretty hilarious failure not gonna lie
We made it to the store and in the parking lot for a half hour doing some soul-searching & we decided to come back and focus strictly on digital work because it was so slow. 
It was unlikely it was going to prevail anyway. $

I am really at the point now, I’m pretty much hoping for a miracle $

And if my gas gets cut off well, 
at least I know how to cook in a microwave $$

I wonder if pedophiles in prison are now rooting for politicians 
like you root for professional athletes $$

just wondering 💭 $

It is 8:19 PM and we are stepping out for a cigarette
Technically, the second one of the night which is a recent personal best $

We did some FAQs on Reddit, which is nice $

Did some dancing before that to celebrate the glorious day and the upcoming holiday tomorrow $

Which is the official muscles and movements holiday $

Thinking back to Valentine’s Day, 2012
I was in this partial hospital program
Nearly 2 weeks out of rehab
I still had a week left before I transferred to this intensive outpatient for five months
This partial hospital was like a 9 to 5 rehab
And they drug tested..
Randomly…
So after a week and some change of being home, I was able to secure a dime bag through the dining room window,
And I spent that valentines evening blazing and listening to music ❤️ $$

And at the time it was borderline a bad thing because I was supposed to be sober and weed at the time was still Public Enemy number one it seemed $

I’d yet to go down the actual recovery rabbit hole 
and work the steps and all of that of course,
so my only exposure to recovery was a 35 day camping trip basically $$

With emotionally unstable teenagers $$$

But I remember blazing that night & the next day
And it was glorious
Valentine’s Day was a Tuesday
And I had two days worth of smoke
And so by the time I went to the rehab on Thursday, 
I thought I was in the clear because they hadn’t tried to test me yet $

But I remember,
 three hours before I went home on Thursday,
they told me that I had to take a urine screen $

So I replied to them that I did not have to pee
But I really did have to pee
But I had to hold it
And I did and I was able to sneak out when they got lost in the chaos of all the carpool shit $$

Which they were trying to get me to pee before I left,
 and I knew it would’ve been dirty $$

And if they would’ve told my parents, 
then I would’ve been triple fucked because there was no way I could’ve gotten weed when I was on that kind of lock down
Wink wink 😉 $$

So I had about 16 hours to figure out how to pass Friday morning drug test cause I knew that was gonna be the first thing they had me do
So guess what I did? $

If you guessed that I sold my secret RuneScape character account to a neighborhood friend for some clean piss
Then you would be correct $$

And I brought a sanitizer bottle full of my friends piss with me the next morning,
Taped between my legs,
underneath my sack to stay as warm as possible $$

The next morning, I walked in eager to take the test
& I successfully made the switcheroo $$

And I could tell Homie was suspicious because when he was holding the cup, 
he was holding it to check for warmth $

And only true addicts know that if they’re gonna do a true urine screening, 
they’re gonna do a temperature test too $$

Unless they’re just bullshitting to scare you… $$

But there was also some more commotion so he couldn’t test it with the thermometer immediately $

And it was warm enough via his handhold so he didn’t raise an alarm $$

And I waited out the rest of the day as best as I could
I knew that was my last day,
And I knew the next week I was gonna begin a Dilworth $

And I never heard anything about it again lol so I passed $

And that story reminds me of the time when I had my initial assessment at Dilworth,
And I wasn’t expecting them to make me to take a urine screen upfront,
So I had to chug water to try to dilute whatever I could my system in time,
And truth be told,
 I don’t know if I actually tested positive during that screen or not $$

They used to say they could tell by your levels if you would recently used,
And I think that was partially true,
But I’ve been claiming that my sobriety date was December 27,
which was the day I went into the village,
In all reality, 
it was probably February 17 or something like that $$

That is up until the ritilan patch incident on March 14
Therefore prompting my original sobriety date of March 15 $$

It wasn’t until 2024 that I realized the significance of March 14 
and because when I did those Ritalin patches, 
I actually didn’t get fucked up,
That day (314) counts more symbolically for my surrender than anything else $$

Let’s just say if you take a 3 g mushroom on a 12 year anniversary of committing your life to a lifetime of service,
shit‘s gonna get pretty crazy $$$

Thanks for letting me share lol $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-13-26

Happy 1213 on international heart day $

I am slowly getting up
I have taken a sludge shot and arranged my blanket on my throne and all of that to hopefully be able to a bit without too much of an existential crisis $

It is both pathetic and beautiful how much I love this little motherfucker
And how much of a difference he makes each and every time he is part of my awareness
He’s gotten so smart at finding the perfect warm spot between the blanket when I’m in the chair or by my side when I’m in the bed $

I mean, this is literally the definition of a spirit animal lol
He’s so perfect too
He’s just the best $

Go ahead and score one gain bowl on the day as if 1:23-1:24 am $

Ground beef, rice, butter, beans, and hot sauce
And it somehow gets better every time it’s magic $

I would consider that one on the smaller side
But seriously, that was notably better than I expected
I didn’t even have to add salt salt
I think that’s the hidden secret with the black beans is because the sodium and other micro nutrients and fiber really complete everything
And they’re so cheap that you can’t really make excuses
And they’re really pretty damn good every time$$

Fuck it
I might have room for a second bowl after that deliciousness $

We’re watching “Eric”
Finishing up the first episode as of 1:33 AM $

So far, pretty good
Kinda hard to describe but seems like a missing kid mystery
Unique filming style though $

We’ve got the dessert crackers on standby
Gonna hit a little mobility
And go from there $

It is 2:08 AM and we’re gonna go back to bed
Probably for a couple hours and then we might wake up and do it all over again
What a shocker $

“Trying” is only good as a humble response to receiving credit
It is never a good excuse or goal 🥅 $$$

It is 8:34 AM and I am getting up slowly but surely $

It is now 926 and we are getting ready for the sun walk $

I’m noticing more and more resistance and I think this is in line with classic ADHD shit
Of the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling better. I’ve been leaning more and more in the spiritual causes behind all these weird conditions.
But also, whenever I go more than four weeks without a mushroom, my brain literally starts resorting to a back to old pathways and starts cutting its energy and emotional expenditure if you will $

So small stuff gets really hard to do
Like this damn sun walk $

Walking by the houses I sold to remind myself I’m not a complete failure lol $

Have to make a note of all the resistance I had to check Reddit this morning,
And all I did was answer a few questions last night, 
but of course there’s this element today that can only be described as dread,
And of course when I go to check, I get a bunch of compliments and a bunch of upvotes and everything is really nice and sweet
And that just reinforces the game
And it just reinforces the resistance I had before even checking the app $$

If I’m wearing the Snuggie, just know you’re about to taste the rainbow lol $$

I might be the only person who can turn the Snuggie into a power statement $

It seems like most don’t realize money can’t buy you happiness until they’ve already bought everything $$**

It is now 12:38 PM and we are doing a pregame before heading to the gym $

I’m now nervous about the cop sitting in front of my house.. $

There are a ton of amateurs with some great glutes don’t get me wrong,
But you only need to ask them 3 questions before you realize their true power level $$****

Everyone’s real optimistic until they feel like someone’s watching them workout $$*

It is 2:54 PM and we are at home filling up on some crackers and some podcasts $

Amateurs think they’re really tough once they’ve tried out every machine in the gym $$**

It is 5:08 PM and time to do some winding down
We’re gonna watch “the end of the fucking world”
Which is a really good British mini show kind of thing
The episode episodes are only 20 minutes long, but there’s two seasons so you can go through it kind of quick $

I’ve seen it twice and both times were fantastic and funny
I do remember quite a bit though, so I don’t know how long I’m gonna keep my interest
I might’ve seen it more than twice $

The nostalgia from the first time is what’s coming back first though because the first time I watched it was probably 2019 in my old apartment
I think I was recovering from strep throat and I was all ill and uncomfortable and all of that $

Well, sadly, we’ve already had to bail out because I remembered far more than I thought which kind of ruined it
Bitter sweet
But in other news, we’re gonna watch “Tropic thunder” for the first time $

So that’s very exciting $

Random but I just counted five separate times in which I was hit the face
Like legit either with a punch or with a rock or with a fucking golf club
Actually might be more than that $

List:
Dog bite
Rock throw
Slider concussion 
Knuckle sandwich from Massive 4th grade chick
Football
Football fight
Asshat In 7th grade
Ex gf ex bf
Random asshat w/ golf club 
same asshat when I was blackout drunk
Jumped by asshats (hat & iPod stolen)
Street from switching (it f*cking counts bro)
Kid in rehab
A bunch of accidents in bjj $

These were legit, either full strength swings
Or contacts that left me bloodied
Or sent me to the emergency room $

And on that note, I’ve been to the emergency room 5 times I think
dog bite
Panic attack
Skateboard accident
Psychiatric breakdown that started this whole bullshit
Mystery illness $

***Knock on wood I don’t wanna go back lol 🪵 $$$

In classic ADHD fashion, I have bailed out of that movie and I’m now watching “lions for lambs” $

I just not really in the mood for a slap dick comedy I guess
And this has a pretty good lineup of actors
But I really don’t even know what it’s about
Something about people wanting to do something important I think
Set some time in 2007
Something about the war on terror? $

On a separate note, I’m going to try to force myself to eat more actual foods and dial back some of the crackers
Mostly because it has a lot warmer than it was the past couple weeks
And I can tell that I’m closing in dangerously on starting to store extra fat $

It is 6:59 PM and time to make some eggs $

Exercise is a game 
No, really, it is a game of energy
And how we invest that
The easiest way to track that is with points $$

Most people are real resistant to realizing politics is all one big game because that means they have to take back all the emotional rambles they went on,
And they have to walk back all of their hot takes, 
and all of the fights they got into with their friends and family members $$$****

So the more you keep pushing for this type of disclosure, 
that’s the reality you’re gonna face,
 is that pretty much everything has been a lie and how you’ve acted on that lie is what is going to hurt the most $$$****

Cause then you’ll realize that there’s probably people that you betrayed or hated on over something that’s completely untrue $$$***

And most people have zero practice when it comes down to making amends or owning their own shit 
or apologizing for that matter,
Let alone and putting themselves back together after a full-blown identity crisis $$$****

And don’t even get me started on organizing religion… $$*

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-14-26

Good morning world $

It is 12:58 AM $

And I guess I’m gonna take a little break from sleeping after all. $

Right after you do Molly the first time you’re gonna be like “why can’t I feel like this all the time in a non-drug addict kind of way” $$*

And that is the beginning of the journey of healing trauma for most casual partygoers lol $$*

Cause ironically, many party drugs are profound trauma treatments from just a simple biology perspective $$

Most people don’t realize how good it is possible to feel $$$

It is the reverse of the negative trauma $

Further evidence of reincarnation is how I feel every time I see a cave, 
even though I’ve been in so few $

Other than the literary emotional one, of course $$

We’re back to old reliable
We’re watching “Vikings” $

We’re at the very end of season five where it’s pretty hard to stay engaged because they keep kind of repeating the same shit
Not that it’s all that bad, It’s just kind of repetitive. $

At the end of the day, all you can do is make the best decision with the information you have $$$

If you can do the next right thing,
And synchronize that with doing the next thing right,
Then you’ll probably believe in magic within three years $$**

I am happy to report that Alex has become quite conditioned to finding the nice warm spot on the recliner between my legs
And he curls up in the perfect little ball $

I promise you 50° to your pet is like 70° to you at least
I guarantee they like it more than they don’t $$

I’m coming to believe it’s probably more and more important for cats to be on a little cold side so that way metabolically they stay in the condition of warming themselves often which I’m certain has a lot of benefits $

I seriously could not ask for more than what I have in this moment ❤️ $$

I think the key to growth is being able to let go in order to recover,
But you can never fully let go unless you’ve can fully trust,
And you can’t fully trust something you haven’t taken the time to understand,
Therefore, 
if you do not work your ass off to come to understand suffering, 
and the greater good and all that,
 then you’ll never be able to fully recover because you’ll never be able to let go of your own bullshit $$$***

Thanks for letting me share lol $

It is better to lay on the floor than it is to lay on the bed
That’s science from the streets
Literally $$$*

I bet the notepad is gonna start to shift in tone more towards being more like it’s original purpose of catching thoughts $

Mostly because the last couple months have been more the freestyle ramble, 
kind of sorta
And you know what that pendulum likes to do $

And on that note, it is 2:03 AM
I can feel the hunger increasing
It is someone negotiable hunger though, and I am feeling fine with eating eggs $

I still fail the mobility challenge of getting out of the covers without waking the kitty, but it’s kind of almost impossible to do $

I bet you at least 10% of the shit I’ve written has come while actively cooking eggs
I mean, that’s not a joke that’s that’s like an actual assessment lol $$

Remembering when I bought this nonstick pan a few months ago and I really didn’t quite grasp the magnitude of how great of a purchase it was
I mean, I’ve been eating pretty much nonstop eggs all summer so obviously I had a sense but I never realized how clutch it made cooking $

See this is exactly why I have to keep this notepad and shit ready because I just had a pretty big major epiphany-
I’m thinking more and more that I need to have a pretty big come to Jesus talk with my mom sometime in the next day or two about health and next steps and all that shit because her health is the real reason why I can’t get a job $

I’m not trying to blame her and shit like that,
which is why I’m writing this out to make sure I don’t come across as fucked 
Or like I’m trying to display blame,
But I literally don’t feel comfortable committing to something when I know her health is ready to implode at any minute when I literally do all of the things she needs to heal $

And from the financial perspective, we’re not talking much money here,
And there’s a reason why the universe keeps trolling me with my own parents,
And I feel a hell of a lot better about myself that’s for sure
But man is a fucked $

Gonna go ahead and add another gain plate to the ledger
I mean, it was still the same eggs, rice beans, and butter, but this time on a plate 🍽️ $

My toxic trait is eating and then immediately going to lay down to go to sleep
It really probably isn’t the best
But I think getting all worked up about it probably does more harm than good $

I’m also getting the feeling that I’m on the edge of the turning of another chapter because I’m finding myself getting more and more bored with watching Netflix and a lot of of the work that I’ve been doing to recently $

As the stress lessons, then it becomes easier to do more actual work so probably need to get more social again and all of that jazz $

Just thinking that the wisest thing to do in the beginning of exercise is probably limiting how much energy you spend instead of trying to have the world’s greatest calorie burn $$$*

This is because exercise is gonna cost a lot more energy than you’re gonna get back in the beginning,
So it’s better just to keep your cost low because your return on the investment is gonna be crap anyway $$$*

But once you start enjoying your workouts, then it’s gonna get a lot easier and you’re gonna get a lot more energy back
And that’s true progress $$$*

It’s making work easier
Not just doing more of it just to say you did
That’s how you play yourself
And hurt yourself… $$$*****

It was 2:33 AM
We are now watching “alone”
Probably for like .8 minutes until I lose interest and go lay down and violate the suggestion that I just suggested to myself $

I like how that last group of lines lined up like a pyramid lol. Just gotta take a second to look. But now I gotta chill because I’m starting to try a little much $$

Silly me, I do this so often
But could be worse
I guess lol 🤷🏻‍♂️ $

It is 6:34 AM
Add time to blaze up before returning back to sleep $

Fuck it let’s see what random show we can put on
And see what happens $

We found a somewhat decent series called “untamed”
At least it’s not so bad for now $

Also caught a little bug violating our piece agreement
Which isn’t the biggest issue because it was kind of wet outside, so I gave him a pass, but I hope there are no other bugs watching or waiting
And I hope he was not a decoy bug to distract me from other bugs that may be wanting to make a run for it, 
but don’t want me to check into their files.. $$

I don’t know just a thought 💭 $$

I would argue that the hardest thing to do is to get a brilliant man to admit when they’re wrong,
Instead of building like a rocket or something,
Because I bet you- super smart people would rather build rockets than admit when they’re wrong $$$****

It is 8:34 AM and just had an amazing breakfast of six eggs and three pieces of Texas toast $

That freezer donation my mom gave me 10 days ago really did come in clutch.
But I’m almost out of everything that she gave me lol
But I have eaten pretty much all of it
And that’s a big deal
Because years ago, something would’ve gotten to waste
Or just sat in the freezer
Which is why I ended up with this in the first place is because it sat in her freezer for too long $

AnyWho, that was glorious
And must be at least 1000+ calories, considering the toast had a bunch of garlic and cheese on it
And now my house smells delightful and delicious $

*Loads bowl 🥣 $

It’s about to smell even better too $$

Synchronicity is great except when unlocking car doors or when pressing play on the remote as your TV go to sleep mode $$***

I swear to God it’s only a matter of time before I start wearing pelts around and shit like the old days
The really old days.. $

If you take symbolism too seriously then you’re gonna have a bad time $$$

I don’t buy into the belief that everybody is broken and we need something to fix us,
I believe it is more appropriate to say that most people are malfunctioning and we need assistance to get alignment $$$*

Most people simply have chosen the TV above their own loved ones $$$***

Sometimes when you are sad, you can listen to something sad, which makes you more sad which somehow makes you feel better $$***

It is 11:30 AM
Just got done hanging in the hammock for a bit
Weighing all these mysteries and what to do next & this and that
It is a rainy Sunday post Valentine’s Day
So probably good for DoorDash lol $

Real ADHD is feeling like shit all the time, but not actually knowing it because you don’t feel like anything at all except for excitement or disappointment or extreme waves in between $$**

When I was in my 20s, I wouldn’t really trust much that wasn’t written on pub MD
Now that I’m in my 30s, I trust the tarot hippies more than I trust anything else lol $$***

It is 12:51 PM and we are making some oatmeal
We did some back-and-forth internally on the dashing situation
But as the caffeine helps clear up the morning fog, I’m beginning to see more clearly that the real priority is with my parents beginning tomorrow, 
and I basically have to do an intervention with them starting with my mom $

Wisdom is knowing the second part of a date is most likely complete bullshit
And all you really need to know is the day and the month
Wink wink from the ancients on that one $$

Meaning is always in relation to risk
So No risk = no meaning
That’s why doing something in this reality is more meaningful than doing something in a heaven based utopia $$$***

And if you do not have the risk of suffering, then you do not have the potential for pleasure $$$*

That was some good ass oatmeal
The organic you really have to boil a lot longer 
and I think that’s an important note because clearly that’s a big genetic difference, compared to the traditional oats that break up in like three minutes $

Spiritual science from the streets is when you get your morning sunlight dopamine spike with your morning Neuro protective nicotine from the morning smoke $$**

While Some bio hacker is doing some NAD+ and cryotherapy for $1000,
only to spend the rest of the day in the office then go be lonely at home $$**

This is a run for the record books for sure~ we’re leaving Food Lion now with;
 A 25 ounce Bud Light 
and a fresh box of graham crackers lol $

And of course we’re gonna swing by and grab a couple more tablets of poison ☠️ $

And yes, I know that sounds bad but keep in mind the last beer I had- I poured out half of it 
so this one’s most likely gonna be wasted
And these tablets, 
I cut into 8ths and they last me usually more than 36 hours $

*Cracks beer 🍺 
It is 4:32 PM and I am making some beef
And I can’t cook meat without a beer in my hand on a Sunday $$

Except I can and I often do but you get it $

I doubt I’m going to get close to finishing this 25 ounce Bud Light
But I’m gonna try $

I have not eaten any crackers today
And as of two hours ago, I could if I wanted to
So that counts for something $$$

I honestly have no idea how tomorrow is gonna go,
I’m optimistic and I actually have a good feeling about it, 
but I’ve said that before and been terribly mistaken lol 
at least in the short term so I remain open to all possibilities $

Also pro tip is to buy the fattyer beef and just save the fat for your gain bowls because it goes so well with beans and rice
Which I should’ve probably bought an extra can of black beans while I was there, but can’t be perfect Can I? $

I am proud of myself for doing my extract review today and I think I’m gonna move that to once a week or once every two weeks $

*Burps loudly $

It doesn’t take much of a buzz to remind me that alcohol is probably my spiritual drug of most consumption
I’m not really bragging because y’all know my opinions about alcohol now
Which is just overall mostly lame except for the special occasion $$

But historically speaking, 
especially beer & Mead & ale have flowed more than water $$

Especially for the sailor types $$

So it’s important to remember that pretty much all of our ancestors were at least half buzzed all the time which is why everybody was so egotistical and an asshole or willing to line up across the field from a bunch of muskets for freedom $$

*Takes sip $

I drank a lot of beer as a teenager
Well, I guess maybe not as much as that sounds
But when you compare to the average teenager, I’m definitely in the top performers $$

I remember the first couple times I played beer pong,
Always came on some random weeknight / school night
And some sketchy party in some sneaky part of the suburbs somewhere $$

I remember this one time I just bought this 2 foot glass bong
And this bitch was nice man
And it was so big that I had to basically hide it under my massive winter jacket, 
but the sleeve hole instead of putting my arm through
And I remember being 15 trying to carry this around between parties so that way I could be the shit and basically the equivalent of a hero for bringing such a magnificent piece and being able to secure it while being under age $$**

Because the Indian guy at the corner store was not selling bongs.. $$

AnyWho, I didn’t have that thing longer than a week before I got so stoned one night and passed out & that my parents discovered it when they broke down my door. 🚪 $

Still don’t know why they invaded my room that night
But I lost that massive 2 foot bong $

(The bastards just threw it in the trash. One of many reasons why they are profane)

That’s connected to the beer pong story somehow lol $

Somewhat unrelated, 
but I remember 
First few times we drank at the spot behind my house, 
formally known as “somewhere,
This was after a football game
And we got our drug dealer named bullet to buy us a couple 12 packs of the ice house beer
And I remember, 
I drank them with my girlfriend of two weeks at the time
And we went back to a friend’s house for a sleepover and I got laid
And it was awesome $

I literally haven’t thought about that weekend except maybe two or three times & that was one of best nights at the time $

That might sound lame until you realize how many dudes are virgins now against their own will $$$

And I lost my V card at 14 $

Take that incel losers $$$*

The buzz from the beer is beginning to buzz $

We got Julian Dory playing $

These dudes could totally be my friends $

If y’all see this one day~
What up lol $$$***

Not sure the arc that has taken place between the moment y’all reading this and now, but I’m sure it’s a good one 1️⃣ $$

If I dare say though
I love the content, but I don’t love the camera angles lol $$$

But credit where it’s due-
I can see you’ve been lifting Julian
So that’s cool 🆒 $$$

Anyhow
We are finished making the beef and now I just need to decide what to do with it $

The last meal was spinach and artichoke dip with leftover pita crackers $

Before that was six eggs with three pieces of Texas toast $

Before that was five eggs with rice and beans and butter $

Before that was graham crackers $

And before that was eggs rice, beans, butter $

And before that was beef, rice beans, butter, lol $

Oh yeah, I remember where my point was going with all that teenage drinking~ $

I’m actually really good at drinking if I want to be lol
That’s why I did qualify for my (AA) membership $$**

And it’s in a weird way,
It’s a good thing that I was an actual alcoholic in the past life because that justifies every time I got up in front of the podium and introduce myself as an”” “alcoholic” $

As I sip this Bud Light 💡 
This first Bud Light in like three or four weeks $

This Bud Light that I went to the store to buy instead of taking the shot shots of liquor that sit in front of my face on a daily basis $

The same bottles of liquor that have been sitting here for a year plus.. $

Above the old wine bottles, 
other old liquor bottles that don’t even know what they are anymore because they’ve been there for years… $

*Lighter flick $

And the cannabis that I consume on a daily basis that rarely ever exceeds a gram $

And have maintained at that level for over four years $

And same with Kratom , 
which has actually gone down overall since beginning using it daily four years ago $

And both daily levels of dosing are laughable if you actually talk to real potheads $$**

considering most single joints have more than a gram in them… $$

I digress $

I could put it back four or five beers within an hour no problem
I have no idea what my body does with the liquid
I mean, it truly is basically magic cause I don’t even feel that waterlogged if I actually do drink $

But more often than not, the craziest it gets for me is four or five beers over the course of five or six hours
Probably while painting or some shit $

And I can’t even remember the last time I drank that much $

And I can probably count on both hands how many times I actually did get to the point of legal intoxication ever since I “left the program” $

This is just one of many reasons why I have to sort out my shit via the Notes every day $

Because at this point, 
my poison has become a medicine, 
but has also become what I need to warn the world about, 
but has also become the only real hope available at the tail end of all kinds of traumatic trauma $

*Kickflips $

OK, not really at the moment but you get it $

I also am testing out how the seven hydroxy interacts with alcohol 🍺 $$

There is some anecdotal evidence that they can compliment and intensify each others effects
Which would be pretty sweet, honestly not gonna lie $

But will be careful
And now is the perfect time to get a notice on this thing $

Because I have drank a fair amount of beer while taking the actual capsules,
But there’s rarely been a time in which I mixed extracts and alcohol $

And friendly reminder that the amount of seven hydroxy I’m doing is less net alkaloids than even my traditional low dose of capsules $

(1/8 of a tablet equals maybe three capsules) $$**

And every time I drink on the capsules, 
it did briefly intensify the buzz on the Kratom side
But because that’s kind of a work man’s drug, it almost takes away some of the alcohol intoxication
Which is essentially like balancing it out $$

So I think it might intensify the good side-
The empathetic, emotional outgoing, social side,
While maybe helping me keep my feet on the ground $

I mean, if you think about it-
If you’re active every day,
And your food is like the best quality Whole Foods that there is,
And you’ve got plenty of environmental exposure that you don’t even need to try to worry about,
And your family is actually your family and not on some fuck shit,
Then, yeah, it’ll probably be pretty easy to be drunk 24 seven &$$***

Especially considering you’d probably have at least 10 years as a child to learn all the habits and hunting skills you need to survive $$

And I’ve seen enough bad ass westerns to know that the drunk Cowboys are the hardest motherfuckers out there
So yeah 👍🏻 $$

I mean, the drunk cowboys did beat the smoky Indians… $

But I would argue that wasn’t a fair fight because mother nature kind of fucked the Indians on that one with the whole illness and alcoholism thing $$

And I’m not trying to condone some of the fucked up shit that our fore fathers might’ve done,
Because there’s plenty of liberals that’ll tell you about all of that,
But there is a reason why the term “savage” exist $$

And you don’t have to read many explorers’s diaries to find human sacrifice on the scale of NFL football games $$

Back to the drinking,
I’ve actually probably drank half his beer already and while I have a buzz, It’s actually already metabolizing really quickly.
And this reminds me why I don’t really drink that often,
Because my tolerance is actually really high
So sometimes it’s not even worth it $

Cause now I have to drink a second half of that whole beer just to maintain my buzz and having that much liquid bread in my system is more uncomfortable than pleasurable provided from the actual alcohol $

Luckily though the beer was only $2.50 so it was worth it to get it out of my system, 
but I’m probably not even gonna finish the second half
Cause it’s just like drinking water $

The ironic joke is that for those with ADHD rest is always the hardest $$

I have also eaten another sleeve of crackers as of 6 PM $

I stopped drinking that beer a while ago and I’m about to pour the rest out
For you, dead Homies $

My overall mood & enthusiasm have pretty much flatlined
So I’m probably gonna try to go to sleep before long
I should be able to get a good buzz on tonight $

I think I’m gonna have to go to the movies for a bit to get my head straight for tomorrow $

I’m on the verge of eating more crackers
But I really shouldn’t lol $

I plan on having a pretty good meal whenever I wake up again $

For now we’re watching “ alone”
Season 11 episode two $

Is 6:11 PM and we’re gonna go ahead and try to go to sleep
Kind of sad but whatever $

It is 8:53 PM and I actually was able to get a little bit of sleep
 as good as any nap $

It is now 10:31 PM and we’re stepping outside for stogie
It’s been weird couple hours
A little bit of mobility, 
but mostly mentally trying to digest shit
In some ways, I actually should be celebrating because this really is one of the first moments in the past couple years that I actually have had power and leverage
It of course, is in every other form other than financial regarding my family, but it is still undeniable $

(Soon, Was very painfully shown that I had zero leverage in all actuality because family doesn’t care about anything other than money at the moment) 

Because all I have to do is show up and annoy them, 
and they will be healthier
By the time it takes for them to start to disown me, I would’ve been able to prove my point or secure closure that will last the rest of my lifetime
So it actually is a win-win of spiritual proportions $

It’s essentially the equivalent of putting my parents in a rehab except I’ve gotta do the rehab $

This is the last chance $

This is the intervention $

Everybody wants to say that you can’t save other people until they gathered for a reunion for your intervention $$$*

But sometimes you gotta be the only person at that intervention $$$**

And I won’t lie to you
That is the hardest of all time
At least is certainly looking like it so far $$

I know the gods are watching
Or any consciousness worth consideration $

We’re watching some show about the gunfight at the OK corral
It’s pretty good and well-made
But another old time example of how I can’t get over the nostalgia and the ancient ass feeling I get whenever I see some revolvers $

I stepped out right when they were doing a scene about the Civil War
And yes, it has taken quite a bit of restraint to not go into a tangent about my feelings towards that one,
And how I know that I was running around with a mustet in those times $

Fucking cannons and all that shit 
I know I was a sailor too for most of the time before that
And was probably heavily involved in some weird political writing shit regarding the revolution $

I’m also fairly convinced my grandpa was in the CIA lol
Right after I first began to consider that- shit got extra strange
I mean, like really really really strange $$

Like orbs and shit $$

This is probably one of the cutest moments of all time with Alex snuggled up, which makes it tragic that I have to get up to go to bed for second sleep because I’m gonna try to nap for another three hours and get up and then chill and eat and stuff
I want a fresh brain palette 🎨 $

*Eats another sleeve of crackers $

I honestly don’t even give a fuck if I get a little fat
I probably need it $

It is 11:53 PM & time for second sleep for real this time $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-15-26

Happy 3:36 AM $

We are up and we’re doing a classic throwback speed smoke 💨 

It is a tribute to the first couple months of this madness $

If you don’t know,
A speed smoke is basically when you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom 
and then you get distracted 
and one thing leads to another 
and you take as many hits as you can until you fall back asleep $

It’s the opposite of a pity party $$

Although if done incorrectly for too long, it could turn into a pity party $$

But Only if you are an amateur or below $$$

Otherwise, this is a phenomenal time to increase your speed & recovery velocity $$*

Because I probably won’t be awake longer than 30 minutes, but this usually helps me increase the quality of my sleep for round three $

And I get to watch a little bit of the fugitive show and talk a little bit of shit along the way $

What more can you ask for? $

*Chews tablet $

Oh yeah, we basically just took the equivalent of six caps
Or really 1/2 of a tablet broken in half over the course of half an hour, lol $

I might be mad at myself for doing that for such a “fleeting moment”
But I would argue that that’s the entire point $$

Growing up in the suburbs with very strict teachers taught me how much fun it could be to randomly get your buzz on, 
especially when your “not supposed to” $$*

Emphasis on opposite of pity party because if a pity party can sneak up on you,
then why can’t this? $$$

It actually probably wouldn’t be that difficult to add up how many hours I’ve spent in the gym if you had access to my phone records and everything that my phone is ever seen me do $$

And I’m sure that all of my calls actually have been recorded somehow somewhere $$

And so has everybody else else’s $$**

So I predict before long, 
There will be an AI that can go through an essentially recreate an accurate avatar based on everything digitally you’ve ever done,
filtered through what everybody everywhere also thinks of you $$*

Now that would be pretty crazy $$$

Cause that would be pretty damn accurate and hard to argue with $$$

As of 3:42 AM I am at about four hits I think $

*Reloads bowl 🥣 $

Ready ! $

Aim !! $$

Fire !!! 🔥 $$$

*bubbles roar $

** observe extremely brief but random ancient nostalgic war-like flashback $$

***exhales $$$

I think my eyes are about three minutes away from bleeding 🩸 $

And now I suddenly want that last bit of graham crackers $

I would honestly be shocked if this last box didn’t go straight to body fat if I’m being honest
I’m pretty sure my energy reserves were completely full prior to peeling open those precious golden sheets $

If you think about it,
Cinnamon is like red gold
And that’s pretty fucking cool
Maybe it’s better if you don’t think about it $$

The tablet is starting to kick in pretty good now
It’s 3:46 AM
Gonna see if I can note when it fully “wears off” $

That is the one downside with the seven hydroxy
It is when they come on, they come on real good
And then they just kind of disappear 🫥 $

There’s no real physical crash but you can get emotionally dependent on it real quick if you don’t keep up with your busy work $$$**

That’s another reason why I would argue the speed smoke max buzz Sesh is actually one of the most honest.
It’s kind of like Santa
Popping up in the middle of the night with all kinds of weird gifts
Rummaging for cookies and other sweet goods
Bringing up a lot of strange questions about the bigger aspects of life and country
And because I’m going right back to sleep after this, it helps eliminate the temptation and desire, and all that, to repeat the heavy dose $$$*

Therefore, ensuring I have at least several hours of recovery between any more dosing $

Because it be real easy to get in the habit of popping half a tablet before anything social
And that would work well for maybe 45 minutes on three or four occasions $

That’s why with the seven hydroxy it’s really best to microdose it or else it’s gonna get out of hand really quick $$$***

But it is hard to microdose it when most of these companies want you to get addicted to the high doses $$$***

But if there was a company that made seven hydroxy Gummies with like .5 mg per gummy
That would probably be better than all the other extract Gummies that taste like ass and are really expensive anyway $$$

And I do think that for the medium to heavy level sedative products that those should be more balanced out with additional alkaloids like the traditional extracts
The clean ones that is
Or some form of plant leaf that is a little bit easier to digest or consume $$$

Because once again, the pro and the con about a heavy dose of kratom leaf is the leaf itself $$$

And I’m not gonna lie it does feel sketchy whenever I have to break out the razor blade and the space plate to do a “herbal supplement” lol $$$

But dare I say $

I’ve been trained for this 😝 $$

I’ve got a couple days of edits to catch up on $

This whole family shit I guess is starting to settle $

I’m not saying I can force results and I’m not even thinking I can save them,
I’m just thinking that I have at least 30 days of trying, if nothing else that gives closure and silences any “what ifs” should things continue to deteriorate $$

Because if all this is really just about closure, then I can accept that
But I can’t accept not doing absolutely everything I can possibly think of $$

Situations like this,
 sometimes the only thing you can do is imagine what you would want it to look like when looking back $$

So in let’s say three years from now, 
what do I want to look back on this moment and be able to say? $

Or six years or nine years or 12 years
Especially 13 years $$

Shit gets really fucked every 13 years if you’re not careful $$$***

I have this theory that pops up every time I begin to stress existentially~ that if you truly take the time to maximize the lessons each time you learn them,
Then you really don’t need to keep repeating them
So after you go through shit one time, you don’t have to return to it and you don’t have to sweat about it recurring as long as you’ve honestly learned $$

Well, I’m not sure how much it means but today is technically Presidents’ Day $$

So that’s pretty funny $

I actually probably will end up going to the gym before I do any type of sitdown meeting $

Gives me an excuse to eat some more crackers
But also to help get my mind ready
And I miss the gym of course cause it’s been like 36 hours $

Those crackers are so good man
And as a 4:09 AM, they’re all gone
I have a lot of boxes now lol
It is quite a hilarious collection if I say so $

On another note, I’m gonna try to reduce the amount of layers I’m wearing daily until spring. 
I’m really gonna try to let my body do most of the heating.
I’m obviously going to be a little dramatic about that for the first couple weeks, 
but
I think that’ll be the best way to get rid of any excess body fat $

(Removed jumbled text)

Which is at least half of what I was wearing during the real cold
I haven’t used any heaters all night either $

And I don’t have socks on $$

And my feet were real cold when I got up, but now they’re warm $

Embarrassing sometimes my reaction to something cold is really quite delusional or could be some ancestral spiritual trauma $$

Cause I could be warm as bitch, but the second I step on something cold,
Esp if I’m emotionally low on the totem pole at that moment,
It is more of an energetic pain than it is a local cold pain $$

It’s like my lizard brain begins to panic in a depressed way about how much energy it’s gonna have to spend to combat the cold $$

It’s kind of like if I spent a lot of time freezing, then the second you unexpectedly contact something cold, 
you’re gonna have the equivalent of an internal panic attack
But the throttling of energy kind
Not the vibratory anxiety that might actually be helpful for self warming lol $$

*Lighter flick $

As of now
The kratom buzz is probably a good seven
Now being 4:14 AM $

I don’t want to jinx it, but it seems like it’s still gently ticking up $

I am about as baked as them crackers though $$

Just remembering another random,
I used to have this recurring dream that I actually was rehired at the same sales center I was fired from
This dream would be so realistic that there would be times in which I couldn’t determine which was real and which wasn’t after waking
Super weird $

“Appearing homeless becomes the perfect disguise”
🥸 $$

“ it turned out to be a pretty good way to move so I decided to dress like a homeless man and act like a homeless man” 🧍‍♂️ $$**

Looks like the fugitive show has read my “advice from a DoorDasher” Notes $$

Which I don’t actually have as a column, so don’t bother looking
… Yet… 👀 $$

That’s another hidden secret about AI and my sorting method,
I’m pretty sure I could just tell it to go to my website and extract everything regarding DoorDash and that would be its own book 📕 $

That’s a pretty sick book emoji
Red, black and white book
I like it $

Happy 4:20 AM I think it is time to do a victory hit and go back and lay down
I think we’re still climbing, which is great, but I’m also worried about spilling over which is when the sedative buzz hits the strange plateau and kind of turns into this weird,
I don’t know how to describe it,
It’s like your eyes nod out, 
but you don’t really, 
but you also kind of do. $

There are ass hats out there that actually Chase that type of nod,
Even though it’s not like the actual opiate that you get,
That’s why I try to avoid it 
but in a weird series of events,
By having a low tolerance,
Sometimes you accidentally tick over the line just a smudge $

Well, that’s just part of the game baby $$

4:23 AM is pretty cool but not as cool as 4:32 AM
Just saying $$*

Reminding myself that there are 86,400 seconds in a day
For some reason, I keep forgetting that number
Lol, I even had to go back and delete the first number I wrote because I wrote it wrong
I originally wrote 88 600 $

Silly me $

I’m such a goof $

Time to go back to the third sleep $

Alex could not be cuter
And also more inconvenient, but that’s OK
He’s proved that if you are cute enough, you can’t be too inconvenient $$**

It is 8:18 AM and we are up briefly, 
but I’m probably gonna go lay back down for a few to try to let my brain prepare for today $

More cold truth that most don’t want to accept is that it is easier to care for others than it is to care for yourself $$$***

I’m talking about in the healthy ways,
 not in the ego self seeking consumption way $$

(cause healthy habits usually require hard work while helping others usually provide some kind of an emotional escape)

It is 8:58 AM & time for the sun walk
Begrudgingly $

Ironically, whenever a fboy gains a bit of muscle, it usually goes to their head first $$***

Sometimes it’s easier to be a judge instead of a practitioner.. $$***

I think karma might just be the ultimate construct to help us understand the fact that you’re gonna come back as a kid in your family tree 🌲 $$

If you fuck around and don’t have a family, then you’re gonna be in the next best thing which is usually not that good $$

(Unless it’s one of those super honorable circumstances in which he sacrificed everything in which case you might not reincarnate back in this realm for the better…) 

It is 12:07 PM and we just smashed a big gain bowl
This time just rice and beans and butter to hopefully get it to digest quicker
With the plan of going by the mom‘s house soon $

Dudes will do every single type of fly out there, but still be bird chested lol $$$***

It is 2:27 PM
& the meeting with my mom could not have gone worse
It went so bad that at least I finally got to say my peace..
Yep, that bad…
At this point, I no longer care about next steps as long as I never have to speak like that to her in that way ever again $

I mean at a certain point all you can do is mock somebody
But it’s highly disrespectful unless you’re 100% on point with it
And if you are, and they have no response, then you must walk away $$*

And that is the hardest movement of them all $$$$$$$******

I gave it a year
I gave it everything I had for that year
Enough is enough $

The new golden rule is never try to turn the profane into an activist
Never $$$****

(especially parents and children)

True mastery is not about elimination of mistakes,
It is about intentional management of them.
And using the mistakes to make the product better than if it was perfect $$$*

It is 5:18 PM and I am grappling with the weight of my own existence
While waiting on a couple dashes ofc $$

Today has brought up a lot of things,
And the truth behind them
And the truth is, 
I’ve been dragging my feet on all this coaching at some false hope that maybe my parents would like to change
And they would become my first full-time clients for a bit at least until their health was no longer so dangerous
Cuz you know what they say about getting your own affairs and house in order, $$

I guess it’s looking more and more like that’s a loss cause $

(But lost causes usually end up being priceless lessons) 

It is 5:58 PM and I am doing my sunset Walk now.
Once again~ begrudgingly
I finished catching up on my edits from last week though so that’s good $

I keep telling myself that I’d rather hang out in the car for three hours a night even if I don’t get shit then have to do another awkward conversation with my parents
And that talk seems real tough until time rolls around and I have to sit and do nothing in a car 🚗 $

So that is another part of my big strategy is modifying my written work to quite literally be on the go $

And I think that’ll be the ultimate checkmate $

Is 7:21 PM and I am stepping outside for a stogie
Without the Snuggie
It’s probably mid 40s $

OK, more like low 50s but whatever lol $

The next month will be kind of fun testing my whole self heating theory $

I also popped on the scale earlier and I am as waterlogged as a Beaverdam, 
but I did weigh in at 181 fully clothed with my heavy Goodwill clothes
So my true adjusted weight is probably around 176 $

Which last weight was right around 175 with a true weight of probably 174 Ish ?
All in all, I do think I probably gained at least one or 2 pounds of fat $

But it’s kind of hard to tell if it’s the brown fat which I know I was out of,
Or if it’s just a little extra subcutaneous,
I really think it’s brown fat because I noticed the water within my skin disappear disappearing during a workout & my pump growing three fold $

And also whenever I need to warm myself up instead of it taking three minutes, it now takes 30 seconds
Which is a dead giveaway of a muscle adaptation $$*

The reverse also works for efficiency
So Sometimes as you become more efficient with a movement, 
it feels harder initially because you’re already defaulting to a lower gear ⚙️ $$$

And by defaulting to a lower gear, 
what you’re really feeling is the resistance being absorbed by your lower str muscle fibers,
Which is actually a good thing, 
but it feels like a bad thing,
But if you just go for a little longer, you’ll find out real quick how efficient that is $

The real test is three hours tho $

If you’re in true oxidative zone two,
 using your type ones,
 then you’re just gonna wanna stop after three hours but you could keep going if you had to $$$

But the kicker is- if you actually take about a 30 minute break, You’ll likely refill your most your energy reserves and you’ll feel like you can go for the whole three hours again. $$$

Just some suggestions from an amateur backpacker $$

Just so we’re clear I claim to be an amateur in pretty much every area except with the barbell, 
And dumbbells and probably every other formal piece of equipment $

So that lasted maybe about five minutes
And I did start to do what I call the “drama shivers”
Which is when you kind of overreact to minor cold to trick your bodies internal heater to turn on the energy production processes $$

Emphasizing that your body has to go through a process of energy conservation every time you need it for whatever you need it for $$$

So you gotta give your body a little time to reload if you wanna actually feel the fun
Instead of it feeling like torture $$$

It is now 9:04 PM and I just ate another gain bowl of beef and rice. 
I’m gonna go too bad after a very productive evening of a lot of written work and some Reddit questions and stuff like that. $

My furnace is working, ironically on the day that my heat’s probably gonna get cut off
So that’s pretty cool $

It is 9:45 PM and sleep is honestly a fucking joke
I cannot stop ruminating
I don’t even know how many times I prayed and meditated and done all that “turning it over shit”
I can’t even begin to describe the self assurances I’m trying to give myself to get that part of my brain to turn off, but it just won’t. $

The silver lining is that it really is exposing that the whole ADHD chemical imbalance really is mostly just trauma
The trauma is obviously what fucks up the chemicals 
and then that builds overtime
But her words keep bouncing around in my head, even though I know they’re not true $

And just a simple fact that they’re still bouncing, 
is the trauma 
because every single time I have to remind myself that what she said is not true, is simply wasted energy $

It is energy that I would’ve preferred to spend on doing something productive $

Nothing I do is normal and nothing I ever have done is normal
But just being blamed for it and yelled at for it over and over again makes me want to wish evil things $$

And being constantly put in a position to where I am judging myself for even thinking evil thoughts is what weighs the most on me $

I’m grasping at straws to try to just simply turn off that part of my brain, 
but it is not wanting to shut down
I am all out of Kratom leaf powder
I have one 10 mg tablet left
I was trying to save it for the movies or tomorrow, 
but I’m probably gonna have to do something with it soon
It’s just that I have zero desire to do anything
I can’t even watch TV 📺 $

I’m not gonna lie. It’s actually pretty hard to not spiral rn
If I wasn’t so convinced that I’ve got a lot of weird kind of eyes on me right now I probably would $

I know in the past, I have spiraled under easier circumstances
I just really have never felt this alone $

This is not the worst I’ve ever felt ~ to be clear
This is arguably one of the “strongest” days of my life
And I know there are many many many people who understand,
I was answering a couple questions on Reddit not long ago about this kind of thing,
I’m just really upset that I just don’t fucking care $

The trauma beats me to positions to where I just don’t care $$

Which sucks cause I actually do care. 
It’s literally physically I am out of emotions.
It was like being numb, but worse because I know I still have to do something about it $

It is nights like this that are absolute excruciating $

The other silver lining is I clearly have come a long way in such a short amount of time physically
Because if I had to hear those things I heard today,
 earlier this year,
 I probably would’ve simply fallen apart
Even though I was hearing those exact same things all year..
My point is,
at this point I can literally laugh at it, 
even though it is a laughter of absolute sadness $

I don’t even know what the right thing to pray is anymore $$

My heart goes out to everybody who’s found themselves in this situation $

And my words are directed at those who put others in this situation without care or concern or consideration 
because that is the true evil $$$

Sure, 
you can have politicians hiding as pedophiles and all of that,
But the reality is is that most people are so concerned with emotional validation and their own emotional comfort that they’ll do pretty much anything in their day-to-day to simultaneously avoid conflict and push aside those closest to them $

(Which is why you have people thinking they can just do whatever they want and get away with it)

I really am proud of myself $

I just don’t have the words to describe the level of ass that I feel like right now $$

That is probably my best try $

I’m angry that I can’t even watch a movie
I’m angry that I can’t do anything even though I’m begging God to help me $

And most people would view that lack of God solving everything immediately as evidence against divinity, 
but sometimes you just gotta suffer fam $$*

Like that’s just it $$

Any sleep is now a joke
I’m sure I’ll eventually fall asleep for a few hours
And my body is so conditioned to repairing itself extremely quickly whenever about ego actually finally decides to shut up $

But this is once again, 
just a joke about trying to establish some consistent routine underneath all of these crazy circumstances $$

Which is whatever honestly 
because again I’ve gotten pretty good at adapting and being flexible $

And whenever magic wand gets waived & when my financial shit is solved,
 then I really will be superhuman 🦸 $

So I guess there’s a method to the madness $

It just makes me so fucking sick dude $

I normally would cry, 
but I literally have cried so much the past year cuz of all of this that I just don’t care anymore $

(And we have completed another successful rumination loop) ➰ 

And I say that about a lot of things,
 all melodramatically like everybody else, but I mean that for the record,
Biologically I really think I’m at the point where I’ve come full circle trauma wise 
and I just do not physically care because of the amount of times my family has put me through this song and dance with some kind of Threat or some kind of ideation $

What was once my reaction to care and try all that has just simply ran out
And I just don’t care $

So congratulations evil you won that battle $

And I guess I’ve gotta learn how to pick them $

But that doesn’t mean the war is over
Cough, cough, reincarnation cough cough 😷 $$*

So yeah, I’ll see you on the flipside motherfuckers $$

(Kickflips but intellectually)

Netflix is doing that weird thing to where for some reason, It literally cuts the volume in half.
It’s usually times like this when the little shit adds up to a point to where I literally lose it and snap
So I that’s why have a punching bag in the garage for God sakes
And that bitch was booming over the summer..
Cause honestly, if I didn’t have any cannabis or kratom right now, this would be the definition of hell
And also exactly like my childhood $

I just said that I was trying hard not to spiral, but I actually think that’s not true,
I don’t think I have the energy to spiral and I think I’ve been so conditioned that I just don’t have the tendency to do it anymore.. $

The next bit of energy I get it, it’s just gonna go back to the notepad $

Or whatever $

I can tell when it’s really bad whenever I stress smoke $$

the dopamine hits that you get from cannabis is a joke compared to Adderall $$$*

So anybody that wants to have the discussion about “self medicating”
And wants to pretend that cannabis is anywhere close to the strength of Adderall,
Feel free to message me $$$*

Because cannabis will not hijack your body’s natural operating system, 
like Adderall will
And after a couple months on that shit, you are basically completely broken without it
& Good luck getting anyone to understand that
Especially while you’re literally bugging out over every little tiny small thing and you have zero control of your emotions $$***

So it usually starts as a trauma based but ends up to converting to some kind of biological cluster fuck 
thanks to modern medicine 💊 $$$***

The issue with modern medicine is that~ it does not want to take the time to deal with the trade-off and consequences and opportunity cost
It just wants to go forward with the most powerful next procedure and deal with whatever it is later $$$*

I also have a headache because my calories are all fucked up
Because during that meeting, I obviously couldn’t eat
And then the stress completely ruined my appetite for the rest of the day, even though I’ve eaten twice since then
But I’m saying that once you hit that “oh shit switch”
Metabolically everything changes too $

That is one of the physical manifestations of trauma $$

You can get it from a barbell or a bitch $$$*

But if it makes you say oh shit, 
and if it’s something that makes you want to quit and rest, 
assure that it affected your body in some kind of fashion, 
it’s just that the emotional trauma usually causes us to react in a way that causes more damage somehow
And then we feel so bad about that damage that it blocks any healthy operating signals $$

Just need to reemphasize that if I didn’t have cannabis or kratom right now, I would be truly truly miserable
Not even in the addict sense because since climbing back out of bed after failing to go to sleep, 
I’ve only taken three hits and no more than a third of a tablet
But at least don’t biologically feel suicidal $$

The last year has taught me that no matter how bad I feel physically I don’t have to want to kill myself anymore
Nothing will compare to being where I was at this point a little over five years ago $$

I will gladly take no heat and weird food and complete madness with the self-esteem that I have
Over the comfort and complacency of that trauma hell $

And more and more I’m realizing that I’ve obviously been a mama’s boy my whole life
Mostly by default
But I would’ve quit listening to her so long ago if it wasn’t for the program
In a good and bad way
I can tell, spiritually speaking, that she has fulfilled her purpose as it relates to the community, which was to raise me and save me from insanity
Which ironically came, I guess that the cost of her own
So I’m guessing that her spirit is imprisoned her body and her ego consciousness making her absolutely unbearable,
 that way I avoid becoming like her
Which is supposed to be some kind of noble self sacrifice,
Which is what I’m telling myself so I don’t have to tell myself that she’s probably so self-centered She doesn’t even notice. $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-16-26

It is 5:26 AM and we’re getting up for a little bit
This is one of those moments where I feel like I actually slept in 
& man Is it a big difference $

So I’m staying in a bit while I digest everything and get ready to go on this insane work-a-thon $

It’s bittersweet when your work gives you so much pleasure and purpose because it can become easy to hide behind it $$*

Some people are really just one big energy pathogen 🦠 $$*

In a game of one construct versus another,
Known as life,
The real cost is just what you’re willing to pay for knowledge or wisdom $$*

You might be willing to pay a higher cost at first for the same lesson,
But after you’ve seen that tape a couple times, it’ll lose its motivational value $$

Apparently, today is the lunar new year holiday
It occurs on the second new moon after the winter solstice
Which is a 15 day long festival, kind of thing mostly celebrated in Asia to celebrate the arrival of spring
But that is pretty freaking crazy when I think about the timing and the symbolism because this two week period (usually the second half of February) lines up perfectly of all my major life-changing course correcting shit 💩 $

As much as I keep trying to get my daily routine on some kind of consistent rhythm,
There’s few words to describe the beauty of catching the sunrise after a really good workout $

The same can be said about the sunset $

The same can be said about the midday training sessions $

The same can be said about the evening super well fed training sessions $

My point is that they’re all amazing in their own unique way
And I just love alternating too much $

So as of 6:41 AM, I think I’m gonna go lay down for a few
Just a little bit to let the crackers digest!before going to the gym and kicking off this day the right way
With some back $

Yesterday was booming so today is likely going to be dead lol
Crowd wise $

It is now 9:09 AM and I am waking up
I was able to get a little bit more sleep $

It is 12:42 PM and we have just finished a gain bowl after a glorious back workout and delivered one order $

Camped a bit in the parking lot while getting other digital work done $

Gonna try to recharge a bit before getting back to digital work $

Shit starts getting crazy when people start watching the people that are watching you $$**

Just thinking about aesthetic“no man’s land” body fat wise
And how once you get lean enough and you work hard enough, 
your body starts storing water subcutaneously, 
which causes a lot of aesthetic variance during the day,
But because you probably worked your ass off for just a little bit of aesthetic change once you see that water slush in your little flabby flab belly,
then you’re probably going to have an emotional meltdown
Until you’ve pretty much gotten so lean that you’ve eliminated all forms of body fat, you really will not know the extent of “no man’s land“ 
And you’ll routinely swing between thinking that you either have suddenly lost all your gains or have gotten fat $$$

Just had a pretty unnerving order,
The lady at Papa John’s was literally screaming
And then the people who ordered what I was delivering, ordered it to a nearby house but they were working on a construction site so I had to go up to a random lady’s door to get turned away awkwardly,
Then do a phone call to the client who also didn’t speak well English,
To fumble around for like three minutes before I found the construction site & completed the order $

It sounds super minor, 
but this is the kind of situation which makes most people lose their minds $

I know because I was on the edge of losing my mind, 
even though it was something too small
But it was undeniably not my fault,
And I was in a pretty good spot biologically before,
So once the lady started popping off at Papa John’s, 
I could tell immediately that this was more like a psychic intuition,
I could literally feel her stress and the customers fear, and all of that $

And then I could also tell that in the past, I wouldn’t be able to determine i was intuiting their emotions and I would just blame myself for something because I already felt so shitty and traumatized to begin with lol $$

And looking back through my notes over the past couple months, 
especially during November and December when I was doing a lot of dashing to take a break from all of the writing and coaching,
 I logged in great detail in real time my emotional reactions, 
and if they were biologically/chemically imbalanced, or some kind of psychic warfare $

It’s psychic warfare leading to the imbalance lol $$$***

But it is 2:59 PM and I have arrived back home
We should have just enough candy money to make tonight fun
But in keeping with our discipline intentions,
We will probably try to dash again at peak time to see if I can earn some food money while I get back to working on the resistance games $

It is 4:17 PM and we are running to go get some candy
Sorry, I meant poison ☠️ $$

It is 5:19 PM and we’re gonna go ahead and do our evening walk and then likely get back to work and hammer out some social media stuff
I might have to do a caffeine shot if I keep lagging $

Once you master resistance, you master friction
Once you master friction, you master acceleration
Once you master acceleration, you master pretty much all forms of energy $$

Some people are so broke all they have are material things $$$***

I just got back and my rice cooker doesn’t wanna work which is a pretty big deal if it stops working honestly
Whatever $

As I say that it, now it starts to work again, so who fucking knows
But I can almost guarantee that I just lost 2 cups of rice
Whatevs
Classic resistance and some petty fuck shit from some stupid entity I’m sure $

So for the record, 
this is me praying away all the bitchassness in the neighborhood for that matter $$$

But for real, 
little shit like that, 
not only would’ve ruined my entire night creatively speaking, 
but would’ve stressed me out for a couple days
Just being honest $

But I also know a lot of creatives who probably would’ve lost their shit completely.
Whenever I would have to deal with something inconvenient, 
I would never act out, 
but I would simply just “run out of energy”
Pretty quickly if I’m being honest $

And then when I would get back home or whenever I’d have some personal time, I just wanted to make sure nothing else went wrong 
as sad as that sounds $$**

I haven’t seen Jeff since the snowstorm sadly (the 🦉)
But in a weird way that makes me feel better because if he had been hanging out on that branch in front of my face for so long and I missed him up until now, then that makes me a pretty terrible artist $

I bet you this next batch of rice is gonna be all kinds of fucked, but who knows maybe we’ll be wrong and maybe it’ll work out better $

(it came out great, and the cooker has been working great so I was obviously being a diva) 🧑‍🎤 

I did do a shot of caffeine for the record
I am out of the leaf Kratom sadly
But on a happy note that does give me a bit of time to get all of the alkaloids out of my system and allow my tolerance to drop back down
Because micro dosing the seven hydroxy doesn’t appear to be impacting my overall tolerance $

It is 6:25 PM and we are getting ready to get down to it (lol what?) $

I don’t want to rush judgment, but I think my rice cooker came through $

For some,
 family is their greatest asset
And for others, it is their greatest liability $$$***

For some,
being greeted by some relatives would har them thinking they’re entering hell because that’s the last thing they want to see when they die $$$**

For others, they could withstand any and every condition imaginable as long as they were with the right people $$$**

It’s all a matter of perspective $$$

As of 6:50 PM, we are doing fantastic with step-by-step work and not losing our shit creatively speaking that is
Or swerving too hard and trying too hard and all of that $

I actually want a cigarette emotionally, 
but not physically, 
which is kind of weird
Like my body is saying “not right now chief”
But from a actual activity perspective, I want to smoke if that makes sense $

It’s hard to describe because I’m probably gonna still smoke here in a few minutes,
But it is kind of noteworthy how I have zero craving
Again, I would consider this the anti-craving because I’m having to talk myself into smoking lol $

Which is ironic cause I want to smoke so I can keep talking $$

I have not had any crackers all day except for the very last bit in the morning before I was officially up
And guess what?
No craving
The exact opposite actually
I’ve had to force-feed myself the last two bowls of rice
Once I started eating, I scarfed them down very quickly
Which I’m coming to realize more and more is a very healthy approach from an aesthetic and a lifestyle perspective because I am no longer controlled by my desire desires for food at all
And because I’ve officially Biohacked every element possible, I no longer even need protein shakes or a pre-workout or any neurotic supplement
I can just eat once or twice a day if I have to, and be just fine and happy and craving free $$

Or I can run up into Food Lion and buy as much of their processed poison as they got and take it home and then take it to the house
If you know what I’m saying $$

And as I haven’t eaten quite as many carbs today,
And nowhere near as many as last week,
Cause judging by last week’s edits, I was eating Hella cookies lol
So I’m starting to drop a little bit of the excess water to get some actual insight into my subcutaneous body fat
And for the most part, I must’ve gained at least a little bit of fat
But I don’t think it could be more than 3 pounds $

Keep in mind that at some point early July I was in the 130s
And this week I am officially clocking in in the 180s 
albiet with clothes and Hella water and literally trying to be fat. $

So I mean we’re talking almost 50 pounds in less than a year
That’s true naked and afraid numbers
I mean seriously $

I must’ve been under 3% body fat
I was certainly wasting all the way muscle wise but I could still easily throw around my body weight on a barbell
I know I’ve gone on that tangent a couple times,
Please forgive my ego,
But it is things like that, that I overlook
Because for years and years of just training for fun, that conditioned the core of my body and my frame to be an absolute machine
Because when I was basically starved, and at my lowest, that workout was still very easy, RPE wise lol $

It is 8:21 PM
I have finished six eggs and a can of hash
It was pretty filling
I am digesting that as well as some intellectual nonsense as always $

Kind of funny how somebody reported one of my posts thinking that I was in trouble or something ?
Suicide wise
Which was kind? although unnecessary
I guess I could see how they could misconstrue a post I made,
But that’s what happens when you take shit out of context and you don’t read the rest of my stuff lol $

(I think they’ve done it two more times and I think someone’s just trolling me at this point lol)

Anyhow, I am feeling phenomenal all things considered $$$

I was thinking earlier,
I think the human stomach was designed to digest the best with you laying on your left side,
For some reason after I eat a big meal and I want to go to sleep, my instinct is to go sleep on my left side
At least for an hour or two, and then I turn over
And if you look at the basic anatomy and shape of the digestive track,
 that fits perfectly in mind with my theory $$

Cause it looks shaped kind of like a kidney bean,
And with that being said, 
I think that it is more natural and instinctual to eat a big dinner and then basically go to sleep $$

Which conflicts with a lot of these new age Bros who say not to eat before bed
Hell, even I recently was saying I need to stop that
But when I paused and I started trusting my intuition, 
and then I look at the actual shape of the stomach,
And why the fact that I’ve been eating right before bed my entire adult life and I’m actually in the fit category and everything has been OK,
Just got me thinking 💭 $

*lighter flick $

You know there’s one thing I haven’t tried,
The mid smoke cigarette $

*Lights Stogie 🚬 $

You know I hear in England, 
They have a dirty word for cigarette that starts with an F and ends with a G with an A in between.
But that’s just what I heard $

In a weird way, I’m happy to report. My nicotine tolerance is improving
Without the cravings as well, 
which is good
Back in the day I used to average probably half a pack a day, 
but that was also going to two or three meetings & working in a sales center
So you know the highest pressure smoking environments $$

I basically just was smoking enough not to look like a loser lol $$

It is 8:47 PM and we are gonna go lay down and see if we end up going to sleep
Might have better luck than yesterday I hope $

Then that way I might actually be able to get up and enjoy a movie or something $

It is 11:40 PM and we’re doing a little toke toke lol $

Imagine being afraid of the drug that started your entire religion lol $$$***

My sleep schedule seems fucked up until you Remember that comfort kills more than anything wink 😉 $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-17-26

Good morning world $

It is 12:20 AM $

I am weighing some dietary decisions
This is actually somehow a little bit later than I expected $

Also have had quite a few epiphanies while we’re at it
Naturally, about consciousness and luck and odds and probability & all of that,
And how everything is just one giant computation,
And that there must be some kind of hierarchy which determines how things actually develop and play out,
And if you trace that far enough back, 
you can get to some kind of spiritual manifestation of good luck and this & that 🍀 $

I’m thinking about some oatmeal
I’m not quite sure how much longer I want to stay awake $

Looks like 2 1/2 hours is a sweet spot to where I can basically complete a full round of deep sleep
And because just about everybody wakes up every 90 minutes - 3 hours at least for a moment or two, the game is really how fast can you fall back asleep $$

I don’t really want to stay up for much longer
I was actually gonna go right back to sleep, but I felt so energized
And I’m just not that sleepy even though I’m just not that engaged $

I know before I went to bed I was talking about going to the movies
But I’ve think I’m gonna try to go sleep a little bit more and then come back for more like “super weird time of the night/morning movies” $

It is 12:43 AM and just like I thought that, shit did not last long so I guess we’re going to make some oatmeal and upgrade the buzz and go on from there but I’m leaning towards doing legs pretty early so I can get back to work because I can tell my energy is restoring faster $

Also, I’ve only had 2 1/2 hours of sleep, but I am as rested as a couple “full night sleep” compared to on days in which the trauma bullshit was at it’s maximum
So at the time I did not realize how terrible my rest really was,
And probably still is,
Because of how well my body is at compensating and repairing itself fast enough $

I can get almost a full 8 hours of sleep, physically recovery wise,
 in about three hours now
At least compared to how much I used to recover $

That’s magic motherfuckers $

But yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and make oatmeal
And apparently spend 20 minutes boiling the shit lol $

I meant to note it earlier, 
but the fugitive show is back around to the first couple episodes of doing it’s big rerun, which is kind of nice 
so I’ve been letting that play in the background instead of dealing with Netflix and all that bullshit $

I also ran out of dishwasher soap $

It is 1:08 AM and that shit was so good
It hasn’t even fully kicked in yet but emotionally im feeling a little better from a restlessness perspective. $

I think it’s because my body was recognizing Its glycogen levels were starting to drop, 
which is why I get all antsy and shit sometimes. $$

Not really so much like a blood sugar thing, but more like a internal panic
This is because I’ve taken careful observation between the types and timings of different meals and intervals of activity $

Because if my body did not recognize that legs were coming up in a couple hours,
And if I wasn’t 24 hours removed from crackers,
Then I probably wouldn’t have had those cravings $

Because if I just pushed through the cravings like I always do then my body will just start metabolizing whatever fuel resources it has
Again, another bittersweet thing about being so lean
I got good at burning fat out of pure stress
And then once I get into that mode, then I do feel at least mostly stable except I have no additional energy to invest in things like bodybuilding or relationship building lol $

So on muscle days
usually a twice a day
With some kind of muscle focused morning session followed by a movement focus evening session $

Movement days usually are when we compile everything into one session $

This is so weird,
 my space heater has hijacked my remote
But only whenever I hit the mute button $

So whenever I hit the mute button on my remote, it cuts on the timer on the space heater
This shit started happening a couple months ago
I basically have to unplug it after it does that cause I no longer get control of my remote back unless it’s off
So weird $

More evidence that I’m overdue for a mushroom trip is the fact that I have zero desire to do any external reading
The buzz is probably half of what it was last week though so that is pretty note worthy $

I have not had any leaf in over 24 hours 
And I haven’t really thought about it
I’ve gone through the equivalent of probably one full tablet in the past 24 hours now
Which is once again, pretty good $

Because at peak tolerance level,
One tablet would probably last me one night as I would split it in half over the course of three or four hours $

So just from a strict net consumption perspective,
My total herbal supplement use is down by at least 50%
And obviously any true pharmaceuticals are nonexistent
But in that category, 
I would include processed and prepared food such as from eating out like I used to all the time or even choosing the super convenient but not so healthy options from the store
And no real supplements either $

Caffeine squirt and basic creatine does really not count
From like the true neurotic comfort perspective $

Because any true fitness enthusiast is probably addicted to all kinds of high-level expensive prissy supplements just to help make it through the neurotic day $$*

If you peep a bodybuilders supplement cabinet, 
you’ll see what I’m saying 🗄️ $$

Just about every dude you’ll ever see ever has looked at some pretty fucked up shit online, 
but nobody wants to talk about that $$*

Sorry if that was unexpected but that’s what you’re gonna get when watching the fugitive show $

See previous month notes for more on the fugitive show if you’re just turning in somehow $

One thing I really do like about the seven Hydro
Which again is basically the real reason why I choose it half the time
Is it doesn’t seem to be too dependent on the contents of your stomach $

Meaning seems like you can take it on a full stomach, and it still kicks in relatively quickly
Although I will admit that there are sometimes where it seems to take closer to 45 minutes $

But usually, it’s within 10 to 20
And again last for maybe 45 minutes
Equivalent to a cup of coffee without the come down
And obviously feels a little bit better $

I really don’t think anyone who’s experienced the two would argue that $

I am on a personal mission to safely and ethically introduce the world to more substances that are not moldy or come from Colombian drug cartels $$$**

I could plug the cut that I made about how most coffee has mold in it $

BRB, you’re gonna go ahead and do last week edit while I have a little dopamine $

It is 1:39 AM and we did it
It’s easy when I do it before sunrise
But it gets hard harder and harder to complete as the day drags on I’m noticing $

The days in which I ramble a lot, though are kind of hard not gonna lie $

Because some days I include content from other walls on the daily wall
One because sometimes it needs to be read twice,
Two because it makes it easier to sort and edit later,
But it also makes it longer to edit sometimes so some days take me a bit $

But whatever it’s pretty fun
I just have to take a few days off every week or two so I don’t get too neurotic
And God help me if I’ve decided to ramble a lot on those days that I have to play catch-up but that’s why we’re doing this
If I annoy myself, then I probably annoy most people around me $$

I say all that, 
and then my following thought is go ahead and smoke the rest of that cigarette and talk some shit
Then come back in and finish smoking the rest of the quarter gram and talk more shit $

And by talk shit, usually it is some kind of borderline depressing existential autopsy lol💩 $$

*Screen door squeak $

Yo, it feels fucking amazing out here tonight $

But I had to re-edit that last line twice because it originally said
“I found a note” $

And I’ve said this before, 
but every now and then,
voice to text records some shit that is not really that close to what I said
Like some poltergeist shit $

Sometimes it’ll do it in a weird cut out fashion with whatever is playing on the TV
So if I finish a rant, 
then voice to text might pick up on a couple following words that might be playing in the background and usually the arrangement of those words is highly suspicious $$

And also, I can tell part of the texting programming uses my historical text history to try to predict some kind of text or speech
Which is good and mostly correct,
I’ve even caught it adjusting in real time,
But one of the cutest things that it does is use some words that I’ve used with old friends in old text message threads 🧵 $

So half the time when I say carbs, it says Careb
See it just did it
It usually actually defaults to Careb, 
which was my nickname for my late best friend $$

But it also does that same trick with a crazy ex-girlfriend slam piece from 8 years ago… Lol $

Every time I want to say “set and setting” lol
I can’t give it away because that would be too close to talking shit and I really have no passive aggressive pettiness towards her $

Last I saw her was, I think a week or two after Covid began
And some weird sexual stalemate standoff in her apartment in South Charlotte $

Which I did not penetrate
I had stayed out of that hole for a while, physically and philosophically $$

You know, 
I just realized all of this shit comes kind of natural because I spent literal years doing the same thing
With flocks of random people
Not saying I was a shepherd,
I was more like the copperhead snake hiding in the edge of the field half the time $

But when it comes down to late night, cigarette smoke & shit talk,
Boy have I earned my stripes $$

I was a fucking third-degree black belt before I began the school of the mysteries r years ago $

It just did it again
This time by inserting the name of an old best friend
Who had the strength to walk away from me as I joined the school of the mysteries basically
And I mean that, sincerely
Because we had turned a failed romantic relationship into some weird friendship that was basically cock blocking us romantically
And I just did not have the emotional energy to do anything different or make any other friends
I was able to meet back up with her and catch up briefly about 18 months ago, which was nice, $

AnyWho $

I’m pretty suspicious that nicotine helps with digestion $$

I will confess 
is moments like this in which I wanna take a half tablet and say fuck it
But there’s a chance I’d be falling asleep by the time it actually kicks in $

And I try to be real careful whenever I take half a tablet to do some kind of rebound otherwise it becomes real tempting to take more $

I am actively talking myself into it lol I will confess that now
But on the real note, it would be better to take it now
When I have all this unnecessary energy and it’s ideal timing
Because I can pretty much go to the gym first thing
And it’s legs
And I just ate a bunch of oatmeal
So you know, that’s kind of mandatory
That street science for you $

But I’m actually not gonna take a full half. I’m probably gonna take like a third. $

So yeah, I just took probably
30% of a tablet at most
Not trying to be cute, just trying to be precise $

It is 2:12 AM and we have started the series “Dahmer”
And if you don’t know, then consider yourself privileged
I saw it a while ago, but this was before I could appreciate the very subtleties of good acting and storytelling to this degree of course $

Here’s my recent theory
In line with both political parties being captured and controlled by one secret global elite,
I think Trump and pretty much most of the current political puppets are a part of everything 
and I think the last election was deliberately rigged to make it seem like it was both stolen and won on a righteous rebound 
And I think the 2016 election was also rigged, but not the way most think
This is all to manipulate both sides of the fence,
And I think all this Epstein shit is actually exposing not only the demonic sexual brutality, but also the fact that there’s undeniable strings being pulled by the same group $$$****

It is 9:05 AM
I’ve been floundering around for a bit
I’m extending my rest window as long as I can
Probably gonna go to the gym sometime around one or 2 PM but honestly who knows
Might even try to make it a little longer $

I’m about to be begrudgingly go on my son walk
I’m waiting until my neighbor goes back inside
The super sweet, nice wholesome older couple that live at the end of my cul-de-sac…
Who are really nice and pleasant always……
I’m just that low on the dopamine scale that I really don’t wanna say anything to anyone $

Pain is a price
Not a punishment
Even though it usually feels like it
The distinction is after you pay the price, you can let the shit go and move on $$

So after you feel pain, 
you’re supposed to listen to the signal and adjust to it accordingly
Not accept it as your fate and wine throw a pity party 🎉 $$****

Ironically, most people will not know what it feels like to be able to hit the boosters when you need to
These the same types of people who are probably still getting other types of boosters if you know what I mean $$**

I’m trying to do my son walk part two but Alex keeps looking super cute every time I wanna go leave
So I tried to play with him for a few more minutes
Until he lose his interest $

For the record, he’s been eating a lot more in the past couple weeks
He’s getting a little chunky again
He’s dropped some of the most impressive poops I’ve ever seen as well lol $

It is a pretty gloomy day
This is about as overcast as it gets without raining
Talk about Grey 
But it’s about 60° and just a little windy so you know, my kind of climate
Just hope no strangers are around “the horse 🐎 “$

I said, “of course”, but I couldn’t change it lol 
that one was too funny $

The rice and eggs seem to be digesting nicely $

I did what I’m gonna call a “finger lick”
Which is just a little bit of the seven hydroxy dust
Because it’s damn impossible to chop those bitches into clean quarters and 8ths
So usually you end up with one or two clean quarters and a couple flakes and dust that you can compile accordingly $$

And I still think that my tolerance is slowly dropping $

Finishing up some FUN legs 
Amazingly- I’m in the oxidative gear
So likely my body is reacting to the fats I ate more than the carbs
But now I’m suspicious as to what happened to that midnight oatmeal.. $

I think there’s a bit of it floating around my liver 
And I’d probably find out real quick if I pushed it some more
But I did what needed to be done ✔️ $

Just realized it looks like I’m flexing when I lift my arms to put my hair up
So that’s a new rule- $

You’re not allowed to have a ponytail unless you’re jacked $$$**

Kinda similar but more controversial,
If I have to check under your undies to verify your gender- I’m jus going to go with what you tell me
If you fool me- then good for you $$$***

But do not even think about trying to police pronouns around me unless it’s an obvious situation and someone has it coming $$$

Otherwise- gender don’t matter as much as conduct $$$****

People neglect the respiratory side of cardio
But I’m telling you- if your shit with your oxy-conversion,
then you are going to have a very difficult life $$*

My point is, it is better 
3:1 ratio wise,
To focus on the breathing aspect of cardio training,
Which directly relates to effort $$

You have a heart 
but you actually are the breath energy that flows thru it $$*

I will note for the record that today’s workout was probably the first I remember distinctly favoring that energy pathway recently,
And afterwards, I feel equivalent to a runners high,
Point being that I think the runners high is usually only accessible when you actually cut on both your cardio and respiratory systems instead of just running on glycolysis or Phosphagen $$*

And as of 1:26 PM we have arrived back home $

Also, just remembering that before the oatmeal, I did have a very high fat meal with eggs and canned hash so that also adds to today’s fuel selection I guess $

I am kind of nervous about my post workout carbs because I have zero crackers on standby
And I’m kind of tired of rice $

But if I am correct, 
and if my body did cut on its metabolic engine 
and if I do have a good bit of fats and sodium and all that on standby,
then I actually should begin to feel better in the next 30 minutes or so 
and more energized as my body gets back on that side of the fence $

(One week later, and this seems to be continuing and improving, almost exponentially energy wise)

Or I’m gonna crash and burn and be miserable until I get crackers $

And that is the game, ladies and germs
And what a game it is $$

I will say this, 
even though it might not look so good considering how much I’m bouncing all over the place topic wise,
But now that I’m back home, 
my motivation mood and Drive are at least double what they were once I woke up
Again, I’m contributing this to actually turning the engine on and the type of workout that I did
It was all the cables and all functional stuff,
A couple movements that I probably am not gonna continue much longer, 
but it was fun to experiment with going a little heavier on some new stuff
And so just getting back into that kind of flow really made a big difference 
and is why I promote training in the morning as often as you can cause usually when shit gets carried away, it’s to the good $

It is 2:57 PM and we are doing another sun walk
And I am trying to digest both a big bowl of oatmeal and philosophically my next move $

It is 323 and after a brief little recharge, we’re gonna get to reading and then get back to work
Feeling that I need to catch back up on trauma and all of its tendencies in light of recent events
I cannot recommend this book $

“The body keeps the score”
By Bessel van der Kolk $$$

I am shocked that voice to text got that name right and first try lol $

It is 5:11 PM and we are gonna do some website review work and try to deliver a couple pizzas or something lol $

What is 7:46 PM and we are making some canned ham lol
So that’s cool $

Dashing was super slow
But I’m getting a lot of work done to the point where I can start marketing more programs soon $

Finished up some aesthetic edits and finalizing some very important elements of the resistance games $

It is 8:51 PM
And I think that canned ham was super salty and started to upset my stomach a bit, but the sodium is helping my brain just not my motivation lol $

I did also eat a big bowl of rice and butter with it so we should be on the higher fat side but then again, who knows $

Probably gonna end up heading to first sleep soon $

Was also able to schedule a few personal posts
Thursday morning
Friday morning
Saturday afternoon $

And a Monday morning draft mostly $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

2-18-26

Happy 12:25 AM $

It is now a Thursday $

Never underestimate a Thursday $$

We are on a sleep intermission $

Bro Alex is eating like crazy again $

“McCurry lands at the county Jail with the key to escape hidden in his mouth” 👄 $$

I don’t think I’m gonna be awake for long $

I actually slept pretty good before rebounding like a motherfucker and now I feel like I can go run $

Poop 💩 $

Lol, that last line was organic written by voice to text myself $

Classic poltergeist shit
Whenever I leave voice to text running and I stop talking, sometimes it picks up on random words
That are always usually pretty funny $

I think it’s the ghost boyz $

It is 1:56 AM and we just completed last week‘s review $

It was on the longer side, but I did a better job of not getting too carried away for getting carried away sake $

I just love carries. What can I say? $

I am craving some crackers pretty hard
But after reading last week, I think these are emotional cravings because it seems like I’ve been eating pork and crackers on Thursdays lol $

Actually, if I’m being technical
I’m on like a six day rolling routine it seems
If I ate a bunch of ham last Thursday
But I ate a bunch of ham this Wednesday just in time to do Thursday’s edits then that is very interesting because I repeated a lot of that behavior organically $

And I do think I am getting to the point to where if I’m not careful calorie wise, I will start gaining fat
Especially when It gets suddenly warm as hell like it is today
And I don’t even need a heater
That’s gotta be 1000 cal swing compared to being 13° at least $

Fuck it I’m gonna force myself to make some eggs
But even as I say that out loud and I’m begin to walk to the kitchen, I’m losing interest lol
We’re gonna press on 
we can do this
Probably gonna keep it on the reasonable side though
Think five eggs plus a little rice and butter

That was an amazing bowl as usual
Very grateful for it
After some brief debate, I have decided to go out for another evening smoke
Pretty crazy right now
I am now down to my last five cigarettes
I could take it or leave it from a nicotine perspective
I just I’m trying to enjoy the night more than I am the smoke if that makes sense $

And I am all out of Kratom so that’s a bummer but I should be able to go to sleep after this
This being 2:28 AM
And then maybe gym first thing?
It’s weird how the worst part of the day, I am the most reluctant to take any substances
Being in the morning $

But as I said that I am kind of correcting myself because the night is absolutely soul wrenching if I don’t have something to do
And just thinking more and more how I relate more to the moon than the sun
As if my paleness didn’t emphasize that $

I mean 8 1/2 years is a long time without a fucking cigarette
That’s a long time without a late night evening smokes
And yeah, sure I was vaping there on an offer for a couple years,
But I even quit that on accident right after the first real mushroom trip around the moon $

And I say all the time that vaping is far more addicting than smoking cigarettes
Because from a lifestyle behavior perspective, you have no real defense
You can just whip that adult pacifier out every two seconds if you want
As somebody who never smoked in the mornings,
And rarely ever smoked more than half a pack a day around the world‘s greatest chainsmokers,
I found myself vaping pretty much from sunrise the sunset
And I began to relate to what those addics were talking about as far as the first hit of the day $

But as I stand out here on my front porch in the middle of suburbia
Enjoying the amazing 63° weather
Moderately clear sky
With my snuggie 
My full stomach of mostly fats
And a warmth in my heart that made even the most historic snowstorm suburbia has ever seen~ laughable $

Knock on wood 🪵 $$

But honestly, if it were to suddenly get cold again, I think I’d be OK with it as long as I got the crackers on standby
But also, I will need to confess that I think I’m coming to an end as far as newbie Gaines are concerned with the cables $

For the past two months really I’ve been pretty much exclusively using cables at least for upper body,
With single limb isolation work for leg machines and some body weight stuff $

mostly to really focus on the isolation of the isolation
Both inside and outside the gym, I guess lol $

But it really has been incredible for Blindspot hypertrophy 
and just basic kind of conditioning because when you’re doing one limb at a time, you’re going back-and-forth the whole workout
So there really is no rest,
But you don’t really need rest, 
which is the best part if you train in the right gear ⚙️ $$

But I promise you, once you reach failure, your face is gonna be contouring to all kinds of weird and funny $

My problem is that I enjoy smoking more than I enjoy whatever it is I’m usually smoking
So circling back to the vape shit that’s kind of what got me in $

Although I never really got out of hand with it $

I maintained with a gas station juul just fine
And the lowest pod you could get $

It is 2:38 AM now and we’re gonna go ahead and head back to second sleep
Likely starting off the podcast $

For the record whenever I go to listen to a podcast, I try to lay down on my back as if I’m meditating and I usually end up falling asleep but first I slip into this kind of deep idle for about an hour $

It is 8:19 AM and I am awake
I am not hungry and I am not motivated to do much but that’s OK
I did sleep pretty good $

I predict that probably in the next hour or so the natural energy should arrive and I’ll be on my way to the gym $

Until then.. $

*Lighter flick $

Choosing how you want to die is choosing how you want to live $$$***

But if you never address death, you’ll never realize true life $$$

It is 8:30 AM and I’m going to my son walk and then I’m probably gonna start a pre-training ritual on the sooner side because even though I’m groggy, my body wants to move $

It is 9:17 AM and I’m watching Matt Rife out at the “world’s most dangerous gym” on YouTube
Same one that Will Tennyson was working out at and getting bullied at yesterday
And I will give them credit that it is one of the most brutal dog, insane, weightlifting, muscular endurance workouts you could probably ever come up with 
So credit to them for the discipline and the willpower element, but the exercise science is silly $

But AnyWho, we’re watching this and then we’re gonna go to planet lol 😂 $

It is 11:21 AM and we are finishing up a nice little push workout and we’re gonna go by the library for the first time in a while which I’m a little nervous because they might just arrest me on the spot after how late I was on the last round of books $

I mean, I think I was probably two months late in returning them bitches lol $

But we got an order right when we opened the door lol so I guess we’ll be back later $

The fact that I came to the library when I genuinely thought the world was ending, when I was borderline in psychosis over the summer just speaks to my character,
Cause for about three weeks of that absolute most insanity, all I did was pretty much read all day long 
I reread a bunch of books that I had and then a whole stack of religious literature from the library
And I got a couple books on the apocalypse lol
Let’s just say shit made a lot of sense $

Thinking out loud that musicians and dancers are the most detailed sensitive next to painters $

We got two solid dashes and am hitting the lion in uptown mint hill 
Gotta spread out the graham cracker damage $

So we got two boxes of cinnamon graham crackers
One pack of generic Food Lion dishwasher detergent
One pack of cat treats
And one can of black beans $

I just realized that this is the one year anniversary when I got my car repossessed lol
I might be a day or two late but
That was hell week for sure $

It is 1:25 PM
I am trying to recharge and get back to work
I’ve eaten most of 1/3 of a box of crackers, but I’m actually anti-hungry
It’s note worthy because this is the exact opposite of how I’ve been recently
But is the exact same as how I usually am in a good way overall
I can tell I’m running on fats
But I’m nervous about my hydration cause it probably on my electrolytes $

Most people’s relationship is the equivalent of eating when they’re not hungry
Which is why they don’t feel shit $$$***

It is 2:34 PM and we are going on a sun walk
And it is around 72° and partly cloudy
But completely beautiful $

But it’s kind of funny how much colder the cave is
I can tell my body is being very sensitive with temperature
Which is kind of weird honestly because I should have plenty of fuel and it is quite delightful $

I also remembered earlier
Sometime this week back in 2020 was when I interviewed at Redfin, which was my big real estate firm
And last year was the same week we interviewed at Restore and academy sports
And I ranted about academy sports before, but oh my God was at the worst most cringe hellish interview of all time $

And way back in 2015 this would’ve been the time I applied for redventures and had my first couple interviews over the phone
I do remember the first in person interview was on my three-year anniversary
So pretty significant and symbolic $

It just seems like February & March are when the major cycles began for me, employment wise $

It would seem middle of the summer between the solstice and the seventh are equally as significant because I have made major transitions during the same couple weeks as well $

Last summer was extra strange tho and kind of redefined the term high strangeness $$

I’m actually glad I wasn’t writing that much then because it would sound so insane $

It is 5:05pm and we are at planet on the tready 
Lesss gooo $

It is 6:04 PM
We did about a half hour very late cardio
Muscle focus running
Just to activate some shit
Not aggravate $

Sat in the parking lot for a half hour trying to dash but got no real luck
Did lots of soul-searching and meditating and praying and guiding this and that of course
And the motivation to do the hard stuff which is working on “the resistance games” has arrived, so I’m gonna go with it and trust $

It is 7:33 PM and we are stepping outside to finish a little short
did a lot of work on the resistance games, which is really good
It’s about time to start publishing this shit soon $

This is the hard part of the process in which it’s basically trial testing and burning off all of the excess bullshit and waste and making the final decisions as far as the aesthetics and operational features $

And it’s coming out better than I ever thought
More inclusive
Simpler and yet more dynamic and complex
The details are insane $

But that’s been the hard part about it all $

But I wouldn’t change it for the world 🌎 $

I’m just saying that if somebody’s super high up and sits in the super classified spiritual alien projects that needs a good trainer,
Then I understand you a lot more than you might think lol $$*

Same applies to mentally disabled artists $$*

Funny how those two go hand-in-hand so often 🧑‍🎨 $$*

We got an amazing podcast thanks to Chris Bledsoe and AJ and the whyFiles basement podcast $

I think voice to text did another upgrade when I wasn’t looking… $

And I am not complaining $

Go ahead and add another gain bowl to today’s tally
This time, rice beans, butter, and six eggs
I’ve also eaten one box of crackers on the day
And I had some rice and eggs at the midnight movies I believe $

I do think I’ve gained a little bit of fat lol
I know I’ve been back-and-forth, but it’s confirmed. I’ve gained at least probably 3 pounds.
But it might be closer to six or seven lol
Cause it’s starting to go to my glutes
But once again, that’s a good thing as long as it doesn’t get out of hand
Cause I wasn’t hungry at all today
And as long as I kick my engine on early, I should be pretty good through the whole day $

Is 8:47 PM & time for a cigarette $

It is 914 & time for first sleep $

Now it is 1118 and we had a brief bit of sleep but gonna get out for a few for digestion 
😉 $