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THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

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WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-2-26

42

Happy 1:23 AM $

You might not believe this, 
but it is another pretty magical day $

I would argue that today is an awful lot like the 420 of days
Or at least between now and April 20, of course $

I say,
Always work twice as hard for twice the treats whenever you can $$$

It’s a win-win
Because you get to work double,
You get an extra excuse to look forward to work,
You get an extra treat,
You get to look forward to getting an extra treat,
And if you do it for long enough, 
youll condition your subconscious to enjoy work and recovery without it even feeling like work $$

It is 1:56 AM and I would destroy some crackers right now if I had them
At first, I thought it was just a emotional boredom craving
But I can tell I’m actually gonna need some carbs because I’m getting a little restless and I’m starting to crave rice..
I keep forgetting it’s supposed to be legs in a few… $

Loggin some rice and beans at 2:13 AM
Dude, I swear to God this shit is so dank
And it’s not because my reference range has become so limited
I’m telling you for something so simple this shit is restaurant status
And better because half the time when you go to a restaurant, you’re gonna get some kind of shit quality $
 
Get a rice cooker
(a machine, not an oriental)
I recommend jasmine rice, but take your pic
Get a can of seasoned black beans
Get butter
And if you wish, add protein
Which just about anything will do well but I recommend the classics such as beef or chicken
You can add salsa or whatever vegetables that you want
And it comes out to being less than three dollars per meal just about
Checks all of the boxes, nutrition wise
Super convenient
And if you restrict yourself to only that you’ll find it easy to avoid unnecessary hunger cravings, while indulging on proper nutritional signals $

I’m gonna go hang out with the moon for a few
Apparently, there’s a squad of astronauts on the way to it at the moment
I had to laugh when I heard that the mission has the same name as my first ex-girlfriend..
From four years ago, that is
Right when I joined this mysterious school it seems….. $

It is 8:55 AM and we’re getting up to do some mobility and get ready for the first powerlifting session of the year $

Or something like that $

I’ve seen a lot of atheists recover in a program that requires you to believe in a power greater than yourself,
Without having to submit to a Jesus,
That it Kind of makes you think,
Kind of like how the placebo effect works just as well as most medication’s…
Maybe the action is more important than the understanding $$

Referencing the Bible to a non-Christian is the quickest way to weaken your credibility $$$****

That’s like an atheist referencing Charles Darwin’s “origin of species“ $$$

It’s just poor technique
Save it for those who are already on your side of the fence $$$

The right questions are worth more than the right answers $$

You’ll always be ready for the next step as cliché and as lame as that sounds $$

It is 10:37 AM and we are leaving the trail after a nice little walk
My old running shoes seem to be holding up the most part
But I probably will need to go with double socks as my feet are burning lol $

In the war on drugs,
You can say I was you’re fatally wounded when stuck deep behind enemy lines last year $$

I’ve got to log another Hall of Fame grocery hall,
We got-
Two boxes of cinnamon graham crackers
Two packs of salmon lick treats
18 Count of large white eggs.
And a six pack of bottled Bud Light lol $

This is right after doing a dash in which I got a little dicked down, but nothing major $

The secret exercise is that it is always emotional $$

Once you become so skilled at something, then the game becomes about hiding your skill $$

Those who are Evil are just those who are too impatient to make it through the building process $$

Following rules just because you’re afraid of breaking them isn’t true integrity
It’s just a different form of bitch ass $$$****

Things I need to research-
Major movement types
Hypertrophy
power production
Maximum fat efficiency 
Genetic variations?
Secret recipes $

Quantum physics is what artists call magic
Magic is what atheists call quantum physics $$

Better to be than to try to be $$

It is 8:09 PM and we’re stepping out for part of a cigarette $

What an amazing day
Had a great but light strength session in the morning
And a great butt light leg hypertrophy session in the evening hehe $

Been getting a lot of work done, but it’s all been the super fine details and getting ready for filming
Hopefully tomorrow and Saturday $

Once again, though the structure & the format and the function are working better than I ever thought
And the math is mathing very well $

It is 8:31 PM and we’re gonna go ahead and try to go to first sleep
I am kind of behind on my daily edits I won’t lie. $

It is 11:09 PM
And that was a interesting on again off again little sleep
I’m just happy with myself that I predicted the exact time I woke up without checking the clock. $

But we’re getting to the movies a little early tonight
And we have a really good one on deck
“Bohemian Rhapsody“ $

Random thoughts about how you don’t get to the school of magic until after you graduate the school of art 🖼️ $$

I am such a strange spirit
Why do I view doc dramas like this competitively? $

And how come I do the same with everything relating to the military? $

It’s 11:54 PM and we’re gonna step out for a little bit of a cigarette after a third of the way through the movie
It’s nice to be able to focus on something again
Just all around improvement from a couple months ago $

It’s perfect outside at about 65°
Clear skies slightly windy $

I think I’m finally down to the last day of the ounce that I bought a month ago.
Smoking has been so minor and mostly an afterthought during breaks that I keep forgetting to note much about it,
But the average is out to be a little under a gram a day
Which has been my historical average for the past 4+ years now lol $

Take that addiction $

But I’m just most happy that I don’t even really think about it
Compared to when I was really in this shit, I would be going basically every 90 minutes to 3 hours with something small just to take the edge off all the crazy anxiety.
Usage still was pretty low, It may be a gram and a half a day.
But behaviorally, I was more dependent on it, especially withdrawing from everything.
If I wasn’t craving it physically, I was definitely leaning on it $

As I knew I was
As the many notes I took will attest $

My point being when you’re going through the shit you gotta make do with what you got access to $$

And with the right motives & the right technique, you can get through just about anything
And you can alchemize pretty much any kind of poison ☠️ $$

But to be clear, cannabis is definitely not a poison
But probably the antidote to most of it
Especially anything energetic or ethereal $$

Demons have a hard time fucking with an optimistic pothead $$***

This is a perfect time to make that second big ass pork loin $

I had forgotten all about it until now
What a victory ✌🏻 $

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THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

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WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-3-26

43

Happy 12:01 AM from the flipside $

*pins Snuggie $

I even got the magic cape on now $

is 1 AM and we’re stepping out for cigarette part two $

That loin was amazing
I ate half
At least 10 ounces of pretty much straight protein and fat $

I think pork gets a bad rep
I get the pig seems gross and all
But that animal is truly magnificent $$

Super smart
Eats whatever
Taste delicious almost always $$

I mean, you can start civilizations on that shit
And end it if you don’t take care of them and get some kind of bad virus or bacteria… 
Lol, knock on wood 🪵 $$

The movie has been pretty good too
Not quite as good as I expected, but decent $

I do wish I had some blueberries and syrup
That is probably the most expensive snack
And I intend to re-up as soon as I can pay my car bill lol.. $

It is 1:35 AM and we are getting towards the end of the movie and I gotta say that I am not sleepy at all $

So you know what that means… $

*Razor slice $

Tis time for another quarter tablet
And a miniature smoke off $

I’m also eating some crackers, but that should not surprise anyone $

There’s a little birdie whispering in my ear
“Death is only for the non-creatives“ $$

That’s interesting $

Seeing Dennis from “it’s always sunny in Philadelphia“ in this movie is making me miss the Friday night Bojangles binges with the boys 😞 $

few things better than a good kickback after a long week of working at McDonald’s $$

I think the crackers actually helped a good bit, but it’s time for bed $

But first I have to finish the cigarette $

I’m not really complaining, but the buzz from the tablet is very weak
Mostly noting for accountability purposes $

It is 2:11 AM $

Is 8:15 AM and I don’t remember where that last line was supposed to go
But the sleep has been great
And we are getting up and getting ready $

It is now 8:51 AM and by getting ready I mean, 
continuing to sleep on the floor..
This is good evidence actually,
Because normally at this time I’d be itching to get to the gym, kind of regardless of what I was gonna do.
But right now, 
I don’t wanna go at all
Not in the bitchy resistance,
But in the true like I am pretty Crisp way $

So I think I’m gonna try to delay going for as long as I can $

Which may or may not change within the next 30 minutes $

I’m gonna try to take the morning off and focus on the other kind of work $

But I’m gonna go on a sun walk now, even though it is cloudy
But it is important to note that it smells like rain 
and today is one of the first days that the Green has pretty much come back overwhelmingly $

The trees and everything are at least a third of the way bloomed $

Very chill vibes today so far
Very chill $

Makes sense considering it’s good Friday
And I can think of no better time to be wrapping up all of this shit from the winter $

Lol it is 9:25 AM and I have finished my cold shower and changed out and I’m getting ready to go to the gym $

I think a good rule of thumb,
If you start moving around a bit and you start to feel better within about 15 minutes,
Like more energy and all of that,
Then that is a good sign that you were probably in recovery mode and just needed a little time to transition back into work mode $$

But if you start moving around, and you just start feeling worse,
Whether there be physically or emotionally, and that is a really good sign that you are starting to create the wrong kind of deficit $$

Here’s a warning, though, for those actually beginning to dip into real deficits-
For pretty much three months, 
you’re just gonna have to push forward anyway.
So what I’m saying is really geared to those who have gone through it and whose body actually knows how to burn extra waste $$$

There’s only one way to teach your body how to burn shit it doesn’t need… $$

People drop a lil fat then suddenly think they can wear whatever they want $$*

You better have a damn good reason for loading 3 plates on the smith $$$$$$$*****

Never under estimate the crowds at planet on A holiday lol $$**

Never trust anyone lifting in cargo shorts
{unironically} $$$$$$$

Gotta keep it real
Thought the whole 90 min delay with caffeine was mostly hyp..
lol might have been wrong about that one my whole life 😂 $$

lol I ended up going mostly “heavy” 😂😂 $

Just thinking about the fact that if you would’ve given me an opportunity to tap out over the past year,
that I probably would’ve taken it $$

Each and every time that I was going through th3 shit,
I was optimistic and hopeful at best,
All the while borderline pissing myself lol
That is the only way to get to the other side though $$

If you don’t think you can’t get high off doing the right thing then you haven’t met any evangelicals $$

Most of the time people do not actually want to be helpful. 
They just want an opportunity to be right about something. $$*

Just wanting to wish everybody a happy 12:31 PM $$$

Getting a lot of work done this morning
We are now focusing on recharging for the afternoon filming session $

The one sneaky benefit of having an anxiety disorder is that it turns everything new thing into zone five plyometrics $$^*

Comedy is just unexpected symbolism $$

Kinda nice that I’ve shake in two new hands today
A*** from the gym
E**** from the Neighborhood $

It is 9:29 PM and after a lot of editing, we are stepping out for part of a cigarette
And to finish this beer $

I think I got the technique down finally
If I have a beer at the end of the day, but right before dinner,
Then a single beer gives me a pretty delightful buzz for nearly an hour $

But I pretty much abandoned the second one because I’ll end up wasting it.
Because the second I start eating, I’m gonna instantly metabolize the first one and then suddenly need to start drinking a bunch to get a minor buzz going on $

And I say fuck that shit
I just don’t want the fluids & to be all sloshy $

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THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

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WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-4-26

44

Good morning world $

It is 2:01 AM
And you might not believe me, but
Is another magical day $

*Lighter flick $

We’re watching “Your Honor” $

If you like seeing Brian Cranston get in his own way, then you’ll like it $$$

I can’t say much without ruining it
But it is a good example of what not to do when your kid accidentally kills the mob bosses kid $

The two types of stories are-
When you wanna find out what happens,
Or when you want to find out how it happens $$

The Bible makes a lot more sense when you remember that the writers understood that the large majority of the population wants nothing more than an excuse for something else to do the work for them,
While the other portion was gonna be so skeptical and so hardheaded to believe anything without an unreasonable amount of evidence that they were gonna act a fool for a long time before they get tired of self-inflicted suffering $$**

It is 3:27 AM and time for another half cigarette
Just had another amazing gain bowl
Just beef beans, butter rice
Interesting because I wasn’t very hungry beforehand
I had to do some negotiating
But once I started eating, I pretty much inhaled it
And I would say it was on the medium size, but I probably could’ve had a large $

So who knows
 I might end up finishing off those crackers here in a few, if I don’t fall asleep first $

Sleep was a solid five hours. It seems.
Kind of like old times to when I was out like a light pretty much the whole time.
Much deep sleep, but I do recall a couple weird dreams, of course $

I never really remember the specifics of my dreams
And usually, I would say most of my sleep is spent in deep sleep $

Cannabis limits rem sleep to a certain degree
But I would also argue that your body will simply adapt it eventually $

I also would argue that psychedelics have the potential of basically putting your brain and a rem type state while awake.
I’m not arguing that it helps you recover in real time as fast asleep,
I’m saying that it offers the same type of potential benefits of rewiring and allowing new connections to form $

Makes sense, considering if your trip too hard, you’re basically in a dream like state $

It is 5 PM $

I will update the record later on how the day is going because it is a great one as always $

Just some thoughts- $

Those who want to justify weakness are the most dangerous $$

Only those who cannot take care of themselves instill institutions to normalize it
Cough, cough, HR cough cough 😷 $$

Oh boy
It is 8:47 PM
It has been an amazing amazingly productive day
Nothing to stand out special
Other than just doing a bunch of the science work and edits and all of that $

Did a few dashes, but not as strong of a Saturday as I’d hoped
I honestly have no idea how the bills are going to shake out
And knock on wood…
But with a few strong couple days, then I should be able to prevent my car from at least getting repossessed again $

We are stepping out for a cigarette and a beer
You know, the generic poisons $

Technically, though they are natural
And quite an ancient
Thereby proving not only their value, but they’re harm provided moderation is exercised $

It’s starting to drizzle on and off now
I mean, literally not philosophically $

And I gotta say
I can tell I’m getting even more emotional momentum the more work I complete 
and the more time passes that I’ve been able to restore myself physically
And the seasonality, of course helps $

Because as hard as I’m working, I still can’t take that much credit for things
Compared to the bigger sphere obviously and considering how it’s Easter weekend so I’m not surprised I’m getting a lot of the final puzzle pieces. 🧩 $

And I’m telling you, there’s no better high in all of existence than “being right” $$

Being right automatically implies control.
Almost always brings with it power.
It can be positive and negative therefore confusing without proper context $$

There is a healthy need for it
And there’s an ego childish want for it $$

Money is just the most prevalent material version
As close as it gets to being right in a substance $$

But it really means nothing to someone who doesn’t give it power over them $$

I am noticing a lot of lights in the sky that are most likely planes and stars, 
but it does seem a little suspicious.. $

It is 9:50 PM and we’re gonna go ahead and try to go to first sleep
Had a pretty good gain bowl not long ago
And just that cigarette $

It is 11:58 PM
Looks like we are rebounding just enough time to bring in the new day $

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THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

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WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-5-26

45

Yay, we did it $

Happy Easter everyone $$$

I love when we celebrate necromancy $$

Everybody knows the Jesus smoked that danky dank $$

In honor of the Jesus, 
I have secured a special gram of purple haze-
33% “hybrid” of course $$

*Lighter flick $

And I gotta say,
it tastes delicious $

I would also like to honor Jesus and make $333 today lol 
that would be a pretty cool way too huh? $

The comfy chair doesn’t stay comfy for very long if it’s the only chair you sit in $$**

The ground is always a bad thing if you avoid it $$

We’re watching “Your Honor” $

Interesting Line
“There are some truths that are worth lying for” $

I mean, I get the point
I just think that logic gets real carried away real quick $

I prefer to think of it like a joke,
Framing matters the most,
And you don’t give out the punch line too early $$

And it is not a lie if it is symbolic $$

Also random but needs to be sad,
It doesn’t happen all the time, 
but it’s concerning how many times I’ve delivered food & a very small child came to the door first.
I mean, like less than five years old small $

Or how many kids just kind of linger around $

(Cuz of how may dashers are straight creeps)

More evidence of reincarnation is whenever I say some shit like that out-of-pocket.
That’s clearly the old man in me $$

It is 1:02 AM and we’re stepping out for part of a cigarette $

I am debating whether or not to eat another gain bowl with eggs
Truthfully, 
it is all I have left until the beef I have finishes thawing.
Which probably is gonna take another eight hours or so $

I gotta stop picking my nose so much
I’m not ashamed of it
I don’t do it around my people really $

Driving is honestly the best time to do it
Don’t know why $$

I honestly can feel some energy from my last gain bowl is starting to kick in $

I can tell a part of my body is already in the future preparing for the day where I’m doing 24 hour marathons again $

This is a good thing though because if I had crackers, I’d probably eat it even though I don’t need the fuel
Same with the berry cereal $

But that just means it’s basically PB&J season again
And those get pricey, but man, are they worth it $

I guess I gotta get back into the oatmeal too $

It’ll be interesting to compare those carbs versus the rice $

I say it’s better to add butter to white rice to lessen the carbs impact ,
than it is to get all crazy with the brown rice thinking fiber is gonna do it for you $$

Most people just end up gassy with an upset stomach before they end up with a better biome $$

It is 2:30 AM
Kind of a weird series of events,
After debating what to do about the food situation for a bit, I decided to make a triple electrolyte drink to see if that would take the edge off.
Even though I wasn’t really that hungry.
Kind of hard to explain.
I wanted to see if it would give me a proactive jump on any carb cravings. $

And fast forwarding I just ate a bowl of six eggs lol…
It was weird
The electrolytes didn’t take the hunger away, but did give me good mental clarity and “clean” energy
Like I’m not jittery or caffeinated or anything of the sort,
But I was still kind of hungry, 
but I was definitely less concerned about carbs,
And so the decision was made to eat only eggs
Scrambled, of course
And I gotta say, I think it hit the spot $

My theory is that
Three out of four seasons, my body actually shifts to a very heavily fat focused oxidative based rhythm.
And eating during the day is actually really hard to do.
If I’m really in burn mode.
But that also means I’m not really gonna be building new muscle tissue, 
but will be making performance gains instead $

Just noting the wind at 2:34 AM
And the loaf flying plane
Loud ass plane… $

I’m finishing a cigarette
And I’ve consumed probably 3/4 of a tablet in the past 2 1/2 hours $

Which is on the high end I’m not gonna lie
Basically did three separate servings of 1/4 $

And the buzz is buzzing. I just have a lot of energy.
Like I’m quite tempted just to keep working
But I’m just worried that I’ll get intellectually burnt out $

Now the case could be made that I really am at the part where it’s kind of like to takeoff
Because all I’m doing is just a shit load of edits and long-term planning to navigate this plane once it takes off $

I do have to do a lot of filming
But I’m excited for that
Not so much the editing and uploading afterwards lol $

It is 9:26 AM
Pretty groggy this morning
Pretty much exactly what I was saying the other day as far as maybe I should just take a rest day & blah blah blah
So we’ll see how long that lasts $

But I haven’t had really any carbs in like 12 hours or so I don’t think I’ll have an unexpected energy rush anytime soon $

It’s a bit drizzly and overcast, which really helps the vibes $

I’m gonna go on a “sun walk“ now but I’m leaving my phone $

Yeah, well it’s now 945 and I’m just making an educated guess that I’ll end up going to the gym soon $

Mostly because of triggering text messages from my mom.. $

If it’s not something along the lines of threatening to kick me out, then it’s something tedious about getting paperwork together to “save money“ $

So now I am basically having a functional panic attack again 🤦‍♂️ $

Kind of like how yesterday out of the blue my ex-girlfriend just decided to text me asking for the
 “Airbnb pin code so they could remove my number from the account“.
She made sure to mention that she’s planning a trip for her sister‘s wedding $

If we are being honest,
Exercising for physical reasons is about the biggest joke there is.
That is because there is always a bigger deeper meaning behind the physical.
And most people who actually show up to train for years on end, 
got the physical benefits after three months so what would possess somebody to continue to show up?
(Besides vanity or competitiveness?) $$**

Because my experience has shown me that those who run the most on the treadmill, generally run the most emotionally
(or is aware of this and are training to not do it so much lol) $$**

We got the Céline Dion bumping
We got a passenger seat full of “touchdown wings”
And a nice mid afternoon Sunday drive through the old stomping grounds
Life is good $

Kind of funny how the cigarette is a better air freshener after delivering DoorDash than having all this fucking chicken wing scent in the car $$

Better to smell like smoke than fruit I always say $$$****

I love how most of the lore about Giants, has them pale with red hair $$

Same with the “tall whites“ $$

It is 8:22 PM and we are posted up near the Publix and Marco’s Pizza in between dashes
Smoking a cig
Same parking lot where some people were murdered no longer ago,
and some dude tried to pull an actual jihad,
And the Penn station next-door caught on fire a couple months ago too $

It is 9:58 PM
On what maybe another personal best on productivity $

I’m objectively better in every single area
All at the same time
If the past year was isolation training, 
and if I’m finally putting it all together, 
then it is clicking on a whole different level $

The writing and editing that I completed in an hour would’ve taken me nearly a week beforehand
I’m exaggerating, but I’m talking about getting the preciseness down.
Because for the longest time it was like trying to scratch an invisible itch.
Where as the most of it is just garbage and fluff
And the giant ass haystack that you have to sort through to find that diamond 💎 $

Cough, cough plug for all my other note entries especially during 2025… Cough cough $

But what might’ve taken me a week of philosophical intellectual emotional searching,
Now takes about three minutes $$

I am just happy about the fact that I am recovering faster than I am burning $

I’m also switching gears to a very heavy fat focus diet strategy
Which sadly means to dial it back on the crackers $

I’m gonna try to get away with the rice as my only carb source besides maybe some fruit or something for as long as possible $

(lol LIes! Been on them pB&js for a couple days now ..
and loving it)

Mostly to really trigger my body to start tapping into any fat reserves $

I think I’m an honest 10%
Maybe a little less due to water disproportionality $

But I know I have at least 3 to 5 pounds of flexible fat that I need to get my body used to burning in a weekend $

If I can get used to tapping into that and burning that quickly,
Then pretty much all endurance training will be a joke $

And then when I do eat crackers…
That will really be some HYP training $

I can hear lots of loud Mexican music as I finish my cigarette at 10:02 PM $

I did have one beer
Shocker $

I had another bowl of just beef
Probably about 6 ounces $

And a few hours ago, I had six eggs and some rice $

I am feeling pretty hungry, but overall it is in line with nutrition and I’m not grappling with the Carb monster
For now… $ 

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THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

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WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-6-26

46

Happy 1:05 AM $

Another magical day
If you look closely, you can find a secret numerical code within today’s date $

You gotta be borderline crazy to find it tho $

All that nice lovey-dovey spirituality yesterday was great, 
but I think it’s time to get back to a regularly scheduled programming… $

That’s right.
“Love after lockup” $

And they’re opening strong with a wedding in a hotel $

“You’re marrying the guy who slid into your DM‘s in prison” $

That’s some legendary shit right there $

It’s been nice seeing AutoCorrect grow up over the years.
And now it has finally learned to learn how to cuss
Fuck yea $

You see I actually just tried to write “duck yea” 
For old times sake and it corrected me
Nice $

It’s still sucks in just about every other area though
Like any other good old young adult $$

Talk about king of trying too hard .. $$

Sadly, my experience has shown me that those who are emotionally retarded, 
are worse off than those who were intellectually retarded..
And far more frequent…. $$

*Lighter flick $

Oh nice 
now they’re doing a paternity test in a park.
That’s not code
They are literally having a cookout in a park & Homie just pulls out a paternity test like it was part of the schedule $

I mean, I guess if you can do a gender reveal party … $

Trauma surfing is when you utilize the waves of historical nostalgic trauma to complete or create $$**

For example,
Prioritizing early Monday morning to be the most productive because that was usually when you had to eat the most shit at the office $$

Or
Working late nights and weekends mostly because you don’t have to deal with as many people $$

The purple haze that I bought the other day is some of the dankest shit I’ve had in a long time 
I’m not gonna lie 
and this is $10 a gram $

I remember as a teenager when we first started blazing,
We had to go through the $25-$30 a gram bullshit phase.
I mean, it was some good shit.
Better than what you actually will get in most smoke shops these days.
And it was the real deal $

But you have to be pretty uptight to not appreciate the beauty of being able to by any type of cannabis within 3 miles
Even if it is the GMO shit 💩 $

If food can be genetically modified To modify your genetics,
Then just remember that two can play that game $

And you are gonna be able to signal your genetics a lot more reliably than some overgrown tomatoes, 
even though you’re probably shouldn’t be eating that much “regular“ fruits and veggies in this country due to pesticides.. $$

I know biologically I ain’t the oldest
But 31 years is plenty enough time to look like shit if I was doing something wrong $$$

And I swear if you catch me from wrong angle, I still look like I’m 16
Maybe even younger
So I know what I’m up to is working 
better than it is not at least $$$

And that’s really all that matters in life lol $$

I spilled part of my beer on the side of my chair earlier, so I’m just noting the slight smell $

We’ll see how long it lingers $

Brain health matter matter $

(Don’t know what I was trying to say lol)

Oh wow check this out
Some scientist just gene hacked and grew a super tobacco plant that contains all five major psychedelics.
Like psilocybin and DMT and 5MEO and all of it
Holy shit lol $$$****

Fuck it I’ll try it 😂 $$

Seeing this couple fight just reminds me,
I would gladly eat nothing but eggs again for a year if it means not being trapped in that wheel of rumination with the wrong person $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$******

Sad but true is the fact that if you think you might be with the wrong person, then you almost always are $$$****

Most people don’t even realize they’re addicted to conflict because the thrill of resolution is the only thing they have to look forward to $$***

I think it’s important to note for the record that -
the cringe posture plus facial expression that I have found myself stuck in for the past 15 minutes is like the exact opposite of mobility $

It’s like the bad type of plyometrics $

Also sidenote 
because this is gonna be a good time to see if my theory holds,
Whenever I am in a heavily fat focused, metabolic functioning state
Generally, substances take longer to kick in.
I mostly just talking about Kratom actually $$

And even though I haven’t taken the plant powder in a while, I’m noticing that the microdose of the tablet sometimes takes a little longer to kick in $

You know
It’s easy to get all upset about UFO disclosure and why the government doesn’t admit shit,
And then you watch shows like this and you remember that they’re probably doing the universe a favor by keeping technology out of the hands of people like this $$

Obviously, the higher advanced technology would be consciousness focused, 
and therefore, 
in the hands of an emotional infant would almost certainly lead to their instantaneous annihilation
Spiritually speaking $$

I think I’m gonna have to do some rice with heavy butter $

If I did everything right
The fuel from the fat from the beef that I ate before bed should be digesting now, mostly in the background
And the big ass bowl of rice and butter that I just ate should hit me like a freight train in about three hours lol $

Which will be 5 AM
On a Monday
On a leg day $

I mean, that’s a recipe for greatness if you ever needed one $$

You know
I don’t give it enough credit cause I’m not able to do it as much as I’d like
But my fishing IQ is evidence of reincarnation $$

Cause it’s pretty hard to know that much and be this good at fishing without ever really being able to go to the water 🎣 $$

But yeah, & always wanting to go … $

I feel the same way about random ponds and rivers that I do about deer and moose 🫎 $$

Were stepping out for part of a cigarette at 2:09 AM
And it’s kind of chilly out here $

It hasn’t been that long, but I’ve almost kind of forgotten about the cold already
And the fact that I pretty much made it through the coldest winter in Charlotte’s history with no real furnace is pretty cool $

Mostly for the fun of it 
because that bitch is under warranty.. $

And mostly because I would rather sit in the cold 
than listen to my parents bitch about how they have to sit in the cold
 or deal with the HVAC people.. $

It is 8:50 AM
Sleep was pretty good
been up for about 45 minutes
The depression was pretty real because of the financial stress
But a lot better than what it has been at least $

So we have already done the cold shower
Taking a couple victory hits, 
and we’re on the way to hit legs $

I would argue that women can handle physical pain better than men
And I would also argue that men can handle emotional pain better than women $$

Holy balls
It is 9:29 PM
Basically have time traveled since my last note
It has been a fantastic day
Busy as a bee
Actually busier cause I ain’t seen no fucking bees around today
And then bitches have been breaking in the cat room on a daily basis recently…
I’m not even kidding. 
I’ve had to extract a couple with the vacuum a few times already.
But it was cool today, so I figured that they’re being lazy $

I guess they forgot it was Easter yesterday and that we’re supposed to be getting to work for real for real $$

Cause I didn’t forget
Been doing the nitty-gritty editing all damn day $

Undeniable progress forward in all areas is
Undeniably painstaking as well $$****

It’s a weird situation to where I feel like I’m behind, but I know I’m right on time $$

Today’s workout was overall best described as functional
I just fucked around with a cable handle and a rope for a bit
Same as how I’ve been doing recently, 
but this time it was easier 
and I used lighter weight 
and I was more random and spontaneous $

But kidding aside
I am adjusting very well to the reduced carbs and increased fats $

One,
because I have been biologically primed to withstand suburban starvation $$

Two,
 because I did get a stress trigger, 
which has helped me “take shit serious” 
and therefore my metabolism has gotten the memo 📝 $

Evidence is in my cognitive clarity,
Drastically reduced restlessness,
& Naturally aligned hunger signaling $

And I would smash some crackers if they were around, 
but I’m finding it fairly easy to stay away from the grocery store $

I’m gonna need probably a full week or two to get back to where I’m any type of performance best though $

And up until recent, I’ve been doing a lot of high reps
A lot of isolation work with up to 31 reps
More on the endurance side, 
but because I rarely ever go above 13 reps, it provides a great new stimulus for hypertrophy.
It just turns into pure endurance if you’re not careful
But that is a very easy carb test $

Cause usually I can get 13 reps of quality work just from stored energy and fats
But whenever I wanna see how much I have in the tank, I can find out pretty quick by doubling the reps with no rest $

But AnyWho
We basically published 36 different walls lol
For the science
That’s pretty ridiculous honestly
And it’s not meant to be anything too fancy
Obviously
But it is pretty note worthy $

So I just had another gain bowl with six eggs and rice and butter $

The last game bowl was beef, beans, rice, and butter $

& a beef and rice bowl before that $

And a big ass bowl of rice before that super early this morning $

Which I thought was gonna shoot me into the stratosphere and have me in the gym by 5 AM, but I slept straight through it $

Once again, more evidence of metabolic flexibility $

And I slept good too… $

I am also proud of myself for how little cannabis I have used in the past 24 hours without even really trying $

I can feel my routine shifting a bit
To say that I’m probably gonna skip the midnight movies is basically a running joke at this point because of how many times I said it’s time to take a break and then I end up right back to it
And it gets better than ever
But this does seem a little different $

(lol more lies
Haven’t missed a night)

It’s not that I don’t want to do it. It’s that I truly want to work more.
And part of my new work routine it seems is a lot like how it used to be when I was in sales
Which was basically 8 AM to 2 AM
And when I wasn’t moving, I was sleeping $

Just had some green beans
And some almonds too ironically
But they were pretty good $

One of the many things left over from that freezer raid my mom gave me in between the visits where she was throwing me out of the house lol $

I know what I was just saying about the midnight movies thing 
but I’m all super stressed and anxious so I think I’m gonna go to first sleep and probably have a session to get my mind right 
and not think about work in a few hours..
Cause after all, that is the whole point $

Happy 10:32 p.m. $

Oh yeah, I need to note that I think my other charger officially bit the dust so I am down to using my laptop cable 
so I am routing the power from my outlet 
to my laptop 
to my phone 
With what is best described as modern Day suburban synchronicity $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-7-26

47

Good morning world $

It is 3:13 AM
And that was a pretty good first sleep $

Kind of forgot I wasnt supposed to get up and go to the movies $

Thanks to Alex for coming through and waking me up for no real reason. 
So now I don’t have to worry about missing out. $

Most people are too emotional to realize that time is the secret to everything.
Because if this was a game to test you, emotionally speaking,
The only way to beat the test is simply to survive long enough $$

We’re watching “Your Honor”
After making this stupid decision to try to scroll for about 20 minutes $

I might have enough dopamine to watch a background show, 
but apparently I don’t have enough to investigate new series or anything like that $

It’s kind of funny, but at this point, I can definitively claim that voice to text was definitely not designed by a writer ✍️ $$

It is not designed to hold up under true numbers
Or true words rather $$$

It’s just the small technical details that give it away. $

Look at me
Look at the old man in me coming out this early $

“The old man in the sea“
Sounds like a slapper
But not as good as “the old man in me” $

That could get perverted pretty quick though, not gonna lie $$

a noteworthy note is how little hunger I have at the moment.
It is suspicious and it could be a trap.
If my body has successfully started switching to fats, 
then I should have plenty of fuel.
 not only make it through the night, but to power tomorrow’s work out.
But if I am mistaken,
And I don’t eat again,
Then, if I’m not careful, 
I’ll end up crashing sometime around noon $

It is 9:28 AM
And we are slowly getting up
The stress and anxiety are very real
Naturally, it is financial and family related $

It is 7:38 PM
Another case so basically time traveling since last notes
Very productive day of filming prep and edits
Zero productivity as it relates to dashing so that is not good
I am currently having a small existential crisis as to whether or not I should go to the grocery store to get something else to eat besides eggs… $

I’ve already put on my flannel and as I’m about to go out the door I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it $

I’m having some pretty high anxiety about my car getting repossessed if I’m being honest $

Knock on wood
By my calculations, 
I think I have at least three more days, 
but I may be wrong.. 
I really hope I’m not wrong lol $

I think I’m straight up going to just go super hard with the electrolytes
And wait as long as I can $

I might be a little low on energy
And maybe a little moody
But I definitely have a little fat that I can burn
And if this was me a year ago, 
I would have plenty enough calories for a “dinner”
And I honestly should still be at maintenance level calories,
 I just have not had any crackers in a few days.
So it’s not all that glamorous
But from a nutrition perspective, I am still above water
I just am having to dial back the intensity of my training which I’m supposed to do this week anyway
So it really does lineup
And I really don’t need anything else
Because I was able to score a bunch of electrolytes today $

Kind of a sidenote full circle moment,
Whenever I first started this crazy ass new training lifestyle four years ago,
Aldis used to carry a different brand of electrolytes that was very cheap and effective 
and mysteriously disappeared in a couple years ago.
And what do you know?
They are back
And they are as reasonably priced as ever. $

So it really is good timing
I might not be that comfortable,
I might be stressed,
But that stress is a good trigger with the right fuel $$

And it’ll trigger my body to start tapping into fat now so that way, I’ll be extra efficient in the next few weeks instead of having to wait until late May or some shit $

And I’m not gonna lie
Provided they don’t explode my intestines just from the gas,
The seasoned black beans really are a game changer with these gain bowls
I mean, it’s basically like chipotle
Sometimes better… $

Definitely more reliable $

I’m not gonna lie
This purple haze from the smoke shop is some of the best shit I’ve had
I mean, it is quite delicious $

But like
 it’s so strong that after two hits, I’m getting paranoid
And I’m already paranoid lol
But it is some of that stanky dank
& It is the reason why God invented grinders $

Also noting for the record A pretty decent size game bowl $

It’s been another weird day where I swear the walls can talk $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-8-26

48

Happy 12:31 AM $

Greatest time ever $

Had a pretty good first sleep
Almost unexpectedly $

I could tell I really needed the rest, especially mentally $

Guess it’s time to start doing the Lord’s work $

*bubbles roar $

I think I’m gonna actually try to watch a real show besides just talking shit about “love after lockup “ $

I kind of missed the fugitive show, even though I could be watching it in three clicks $

I think we’re just gonna stick with “Your Honor” $

I don’t even care dude..
The attorneys in the show are pretty much all MILFs $

👁️ . 👁️  

🔥 

💨 

$ (applies to last 3 lines lol)

This purp even burns better than most $

It is like low 60° inside and before I adjust to it, it feels cold as shit $

I keep forgetting how for pretty much three months, it didn’t get above 60° inside.
Most days It didn’t get above 50°..
But my point is that you burn a shit load of extra energy just by staying warm.
In fact, 
most of your calorie expenditure goes to the body heat, 
especially during winter.
Unless you never go outside and you’re stuck in a temperature controlled room ofc $

But even keeping the room in the low 60s and just not wearing many layers is plenty to burn up to another thousand calories a day $$

I will be honest
If I had cookies or crackers on hand, I would vaporize them
I’ve gone through an entire pot of rice in 24 hours
So in some ways, I’ve just kind of replaced those calories
Which is part of the rationale as to why I bother with the rocket fuel in the first place.
Cause if you’re gonna get the calories, 
then you might as well get them from something that digests the easiest $

But that mostly applies to just carbs.
Even processed fats,
 you’re really just looking at extra saturated fat, 
which is gonna break down at the same rate pretty much as any other fat $

So my real goal is to get my metabolism fat efficient enough to wear, It can just pull from body fat reserves in between gaps seamlessly. $

And then I can focus on getting my calories in mostly towards evening time $

I’m still gonna have to do something for the carbohydrate solution though the more that I think about it.. $

If my body is a machine, then this machine is primed to run on about 1500 calories of rocket fuel a day $

Most of my life, it was from a mass gainer $

But the past six months has proven that almost all super processed carbs shake out near equally $

While not all proteins are treated equal $

I feel like I was being a bit dramatic earlier, talking about beans and my intestines and spontaneous combustion,
I’ve actually haven’t had much bloating or farting issues.
I mean, 
there might be one or two kind of loud sneaky farts that come out about 6 to 7 hours after eating,
But it’s not like there’s really much else $

For the side note, I do think I had some kind of recent pathogen in my lower digestive track if you know what I mean $

Part of the reason why I decided to dial back the crackers is to see if that was impacting at all, 
but I do think that switching to such a high fat diet sometimes comes with a bit of an adjustment $

So I think I’m adjusting to both
Or recovering from one while switching to the other $

It is 1:21 AM
And I would rate the hunger at like a 5.5
But it started at a 4.5
So it’s climbing kind of quickly
We’ll see how long it takes for me to decide to finish that rice
Or end up with a whole ass another game bowl lol $

It is 1:43 PM and I’ve already eaten the rest of the rice and beans from the first can… $

I couldn’t resist any longer $

I did not add eggs, although I’m now thinking that maybe I should have because I’m still kind of hungry
That bowl was probably 600 cal $

I think I’m gonna have to get some crackers though if I wanna actually have a training session worth a shit lol $

But I think for the next couple weeks, I’ll probably reduce my overall cracker intake by half
comparatively speaking $

It is time for a part of a cigarette $

I just had a miniature heart attack because the second I stepped outside, It sounded like a tow truck was driving by 🤦‍♂️ $

The starving artist phase is a fun one for sure $$

It is 8:30 AM and we just arrived to the gym
After an hour of slow wake up time and a cold shower to boot 🥾 $

A few things funnier than watching someone drive around recklessly with a face mask still on…
They care about the wrong kind of safety $

I am low-key proud that the McDonald’s by my house that I once swore off forever has become my favorite place to dash from.
Not sure exactly what changed, but they’re one of the fastest and most reliable and most pleasant now $

We’re leaving Aldi’s with another reasonable, but unexpected grocery hall
Using the term unexpected loosely, of course cause I was talking about going to the store last night $

We got 3 pounds of blueberries
Three cartons of eggs
Two boxes of graham crackers
5 pounds of jasmine rice
And a new bottle of maple syrup $

It is 8:23 PM
And man has a been another amazingly productive day
Shit ton of filming
I don’t know why it’s so hard
It’s something I’m probably the best at considering how many hours and videos I’ve already shot
And these are just basic demonstrations
It’s all emotional bullshit, of course
Physically speaking, I did close to 200+ exercises
Didn’t need to use much weight but nine months ago that would’ve toasted me
You know, during the Adderall withdrawal days $

We’ll do a catch-up tangent on all that shit soon I’m sure $

I’m gonna be marketing soon, so I’m imagine I’m gonna get a lot of new eyes $

I think I probably have about three or four cards that I need to film
But I should be able to film them relatively quickly $

And then I can get to editing
And knock on wood, but I should be able to edit faster than I filmed
And then I should be able to link faster than I edit
And then I should be able to post faster than I link
And then maybe I’ll be in a spiritually free position for my execution come Friday lol $

Pretty crazy how quiet it is out here
As I finish this half of a cigarette at 8:29 PM $

It’s a pretty chilly night again
It’s pretty crispy last night too $

Earlier when I ran out the door to do a dash I didn’t even realize it was in the 50s
And I was wearing a light T-shirt $

Maybe that was yesterday I’m not sure $

Seems like the divine timing that it has gotten incredibly slow
While I get so close to finishing the resistance games $

I am so happy with the demos for the most part
I’m sure I’ll end up editing and modifying a few later on, but they are definitely good to go 
and earlier I took an honest swing at trying to write better cards than the ones I already have..
And I couldn’t do it $

I even did the Instagram scroll test
Where I would just scroll, 
and then I pick out pretty much every major movement that actually mattered from some random
Of all kinds,
Powerlifting,
Endurance running,
Martial art arts,
All of it,
And I could not find one that I “left out” $

Pretty much every single one and every major modification worth doing is accounted for $

And I’m also gonna have to make the second deck right after this by sneaking into the gym to use the machines, cables, and dumbbells
But that’ll be a perfect mirror deck $

And then I don’t think I’ll ever need to make another deck again
Other than for fun and for people, of course $

And then I’m probably gonna get some county job or some mindless job nearby to where I don’t have to deal with the public $

I tried to go to Home Depot last year cause I wanted to learn about construction stuff
I even had a nightmare interview at Academy sports that I’ve gone on about before $

And of course there was that horror show last year where it did 60 days in hell at the wellness place $

But they did give me a nice Momento with a misspelled name tag 
and a couple really nice comfortable shirts that are making great cut offs $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-9-26

49

Happy 12:06 AM $

This is one of those weird days where I didn’t think the date was gonna be all cool until I did the math $

This is definitely one of those times where life doesn’t even seem real $

The whole war in the fucking Middle East and shit
Pharmaceutical ads on repeat over and over again
The absolute insanity everywhere you turn around $

And silly me,
I decided I had to write a book..
About exercise… $

I was just asking to get crucified wasn’t I $$

This is a strange moment, hunger wise
I already ate an entire box of crackers yesterday
To be fair, I probably used it immediately during filming like I intended
I have blueberries and syrup, but that is literally the last thing I had $

I have eggs, beans and rice besides that to choose from lol $

The thing is, 
I do kind of need more fuel, 
but I was just talking about needing to stay mostly on dietary fats for the long-term.. $

But I kind of miscalculated my fat inventory and I really just have eggs and butter
And that’s a little too much to expect to get 1500 cal alone from lol $

Well, actually, I just redid the math and if I do eat 18 eggs with about 3 tablespoons of butter 
then that is right over 1500 cal $

Then that really kinda has me around half and half
And actually pretty much exactly what my current dietary regimen has looked like… $

Once again, justifying the crackers and cookies $

Because if I was to sub them out for other Whole Foods, then I would probably only be able to get an extra 500 750 cal before I get too clogged up 
or simply can’t afford it 
or can’t reasonably access them
And that says goodbye to the hypertrophy training $

Yesterday and the day before I made up for the difference with rice alone
But it seems to me that if you were to make a supplement to solve this problem,
You would develop something like cinnamon graham crackers.. $

Yeah, just saying it out loud... 
I don’t think I can do more crackers at the moment.
Probably gonna have to try to go for more rice and beans $

Which I think I’m actually getting better at digesting 
gas wise 
cause I’m really not gassy $

I mean, there’s like one sneaker
But as long as I’m anticipatory,
It’s no big deal $

It is 12:55 PM and we are stepping out for a cigarette
It is so quiet $

Seems clear skies
Still pretty chilly
Mid 40s
I would’ve guessed mid 50s
Small win from big adaptations I suppose $

So peaceful $

We’re watching the documentary about Magnus Carlson and Hans Neiman
Grand Master and potential grand dickhead $

Word on the street is Hans cheated 
and my guess is that he probably did
But I’m only halfway through the doc so far $

Moments like this when you don’t really know how the next week‘s gonna play out make life so much more meaningful
And also so much more stressful lol $$

But I’m not complaining
I’m sure I could vent if I wanted to which usually doesn’t actually do any good $

I actually just heard about a study not long ago that pretty much proved venting does not help
Cough, cough therapy, cough cough $$

To a certain degree, I do agree
But talking things out with the intention of finding the solution is different than venting $$

Any good therapist would know that and be skilled at practicing that $$

Any good telehealth salesman would not know that 
and would love for you to pay them to listen to you complain 
and call it healing ❤️‍🩹 $$

I guess the streets needed another sermon today $

I might just eat eggs by itself lol
But once again, I’m really just not all that hungry $

I’m just trying to kill time seeing if that’s gonna change
Otherwise, the plan is to do a light cardio workout in the morning
Extra light because I kept getting carried away even when I thought I was going easy $

That is the one area where I am basically still an activist
Running… $

I guess more appropriately -
The treadmill $

I did it
I ate the eggs
All six of them
“Handled”
Which is a hybrid between over medium and scrambled $

You can tell when your head is too far up your own ass when everything stinks $$$^***

It is 2:18 PM
And I just ate berries and syrup
And a whole thing of crackers… $

Power deferred to 4/24
No repo order issued for Jenny yet… $

Be right back I gotta go run and grab us a horse train $

(???)

Jujutsu will teach you that the difference between life and death can be just a little scoot $$**

Artist and scientist have one thing in common,
They both like to say “fuck it let’s see what happens“ $$*

You know I was saying how beautiful it was to dash during Christmas time,
But I think I was wrong,
I don’t think Christmas has anything on spring time $

When attempting to work for somebody else, it is very important that you do not come across is super smart, ambitious, and motivated.
It is more important that you come across as borderline desperate, and naïve with a willingness to do unreasonable things for a little bit of money.
I guarantee you you’ll get the job faster $$***
 
Any surprises from the Devine are almost always hidden under some of the shit that you don’t want originally want to do $$*

So far we’ve done a delivery near the first street I ever lived on
And the first neighborhood I ever worked in $

What a magic moment
I forgot to get a lighter at the store. I’m stuck using the steak grill lighter
I’m getting text messages from my mom about getting jobs at Amazon
And I’m also getting text messages from previous dash clients about additional tips and messages telling me to “keep up the good work” $

I’ve earned exactly $13.30 in the past hour
And I have about 30 videos left to film $

You ever do that weird game to where you hear about something super fucked up and evil
And in order to actually understand how fucked up evil it is, 
you try to envision yourself being a part of it or it somehow affecting you,
Just to make sure you’re not actually evil,
And then you feel bad for even spending the minutes of thought energy testing yourself to make sure you’re not evil? $

Cause that’s me every time the Epstein shit gets brought up $

It is 9:01 PM and we are stepping out for part of a cigarette $

It is another lovely night
Very bright stars i may add
Which is honestly pretty distinct compared to how things have been in the past few days
I mean, these bitches are bright as fuck and I don’t even have my glasses on $

Just had another amazing gain bowl though
I’m telling you
It might not sound the greatest
But rice, beans, eggs, butter, and a little bit of Texas Pete
Or more like a lot of Texas Pete…
And that shit never gets old $

I mean with six eggs and about 6 ounces of rice and somewhere around 3 ounces of beans
You’re looking at nearly 60 g of protein
And if you go with butter
You’re looking at nearly 1200 cal $

And price wise
I mean with butter and hot sauce, and all that calculated,
You’re looking at maybe $1.30 to $1.60 per meal
That’s incredible $

Cause eggs are 399 for 30 at the Food Lion the moment
(or $1.66 per dozen at Aldi)
A 5 pound bag of rice is about six bucks at Aldi‘s
Seasoned or regular beans are gonna run you about a dollar a can pretty much anywhere
Butter is usually about three dollars per four sticks
And a big bottle of hot sauce is probably four dollars $

And I promise that if you were actually hungry, it will taste amazing and not get old
Cooking the eggs gets a little bit more repetitive though
And you’re gonna need to get really good at the trick I have become to call a “egg flip” $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-10-26

410

Happy 1:15 AM $

I’ve actually been up at the movies for about an hour now, but I’ve been so distracted, I forgot to write anything lol $

Gonna do some edits now $

I know crazy right? $

It is now 1:49 AM and taking a little break
I was right and I am able to trim these videos a hell of a lot faster than I was able to film them lol $

And because I’m on the backside of this mountain of creative bullshit, the editing is fun again
And probably the reason why I can’t sleep
Not until this shit is done $

But we’re stepping out for a cig
And it’s pretty chilly again
I’ve been having to turn on my space heater a little bit just for the snake plants 🌱 $

It is also so quiet that I’m having a whisper $

I mean, I can hear pretty much everything
Even the small twig snapping in the leaves $

Unrelated, but it really makes me sad every time I see any roadkill at all
But it seems like possums have it especially bad out here
People treat them like targets
I mean, I understand trying to hit humans for the bonus points, 
but not animals… $

Unless the karmic system works the same for marsupials as it does for these arrogant ass highly evolved primates $$

In which case then, maybe I will be a little bit more understanding $

I have begun to tell myself that whenever I see what may be a pet that has been killed $

I’m quick to assume all animals are super innocent and somehow victims $

And I still stand by that more than I am willing to blame karma for killing house cats $$

But I did not make this universe
I’m just taking as many not3s as I can $

If I have a chip on my shoulder, it is because assholes tried to make me take notes for so long,
Up until they kicked me out of school..
Cause they thought Id never amount of nothing.. $

I just think it’s funny how my micro dosing of nicotine and tobacco has worked at helping me not be such a little bitch when it Comes down to the cold, 
both emotionally and biologically. $

Cause you may or may not recall, dear reader,
But If you’re crazy enough to read my previous notes from the winter,
That even a subtle 20° temperature change can go a long way when it comes down to biohacking $

And basically by keeping your brown fat as subtly active as you can,
You both gain a much more comfortable existence from temperatures
And you burn a lot more calories in the background $

Cause by stepping out for about 10 minutes in the 45° cool night with not much layers on,
It is just enough to trigger the background processes to keep producing a little bit extra heat
So when I go back into a 60° room, it feels amazing for several hours $

And then simply repeat if you can
Obviously, when it’s super hot outside, doesn’t work $

So probably come May I won’t be able to do this at all $

But it’s a small way to earn extra points because the point isn’t to burn so much extra calories that you’re burning actual fat for aesthetic,
It’s that by staying in a small burn mode, you are going to be intellectually sharper and metabolically more efficient $

Basically keeping comfort at bay $

And it is probably as close as you can get to still staying in rest and recovery mode without actually flipping into fight or flight $

So we’re getting ready for work part two and we’re gonna put on a documentary called “ caterpillar” 🐛 $

I doubt I have many words cause I’ll probably get back to work in a second but I just wanted to note for the record for some time in the distant future or some shit $

I will note that the dank that I got from the candy store is actually purple..
And taste very bizarre not gonna lie
It’s pretty,
But it’s not as pretty as the purple haze from the smoke shop next-door… $

I’m not gonna lie, The smoke shop next-door has been better quality wise & product wise than the candy store as of recent … $

It is now 2:58 AM
Just had another amazing game bowl
Pretty much exactly like the last $

I wasn’t not hungry beforehand,
But I was doing some negotiating with the cracker monster
And I’m proud of myself for choosing the healthy option $

Thereby saving the crackers & Barry cereal for after training in the morning $

The theory that I proposed a couple months ago about whether it was a good or bad thing to go lay down or sleep right after eating…
I think I’m on team lay down $

Mostly because of how you feel after a big meal 
and literally how the stomach is shaped
And digestion timeline $

Meaning, I think when you lay down, you shift the contents of your stomach to the side,
Horizontally,
Which allows it to spread out in the stomach to digest better.
Specifically laying on your left side.
If you look at how your esophagus and the lower testing attach to the stomach,
It’s some organ that I can’t pronounce starting with a D,
You’ll see what I mean..
And then after about three hours when you go to stand up and your stomach shifts,
It basically encourages things to move onto the next step. 
Thanks to gravity $

Again, I don’t think there’s anything that harmful about moving around after a big meal
Because a light walk can help signal your body to digest it quicker and more efficiently
Instead of putting you in the mood that I just mentioned $

But I think that both are what matters $

And biologically- evolutionarily speaking,
I know there was not a luxury of being able to just eat a big ass meal and then go run around $

Not when you consider how good you feel when you work on an empty stomach.
Provided you have enough stored fuel, of course $

Trying to do any activity with a full stomach just feels awful
Except for sleeping $

Maybe there are some background cost by digesting a large meal while sleeping,
Maybe you might not sleep as deeply if you’re not used to it,
But most people eat a lot within an hour of going to bed,
and I hate to break a few people, 
but it takes at least two or three hours for shit to fully break down $

I also am not exactly sure when it started, but I’m pretty sure I have a note about
Listening to political podcasts as I go to sleep, puts me out faster than just about anything else lol $

Would think it’d be the opposite $

It is 9:19 AM and we are arriving to the gym $

Almost didn’t make it as I wasn’t sure if I was gonna come or not $

The best part about being a philosopher is the more fucked up Your hair is,
the better. $$

It is 4:54 PM and we are getting to doing some dashing
Just finished the filming the official first round of 360 different movements (if not more) $

It’s pretty incredible how much emotional energy I have now compared to even three months ago
Knock on wood, but I’m actually hoping for a busy night dashing
Like I think it could be fun?
Once again, what do I know?
But just to be in a position to where I have the energy to spend is a very big deal $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-11-26

411

It is 12:03 a.m.
And I feel like I’ve cheated $

I didn’t really write much of shit for pretty much the second half of yesterday because I was so busy doing edits $

I haven’t even gone to first sleep yet $

Kind of like the good old days $

But we’re gonna smoke part of the cigarette and then probably go to bed $

Not to brag, but I did drink one and 2/3 of a beer 🍺 $

By my calculations, I have maybe one day left before the repo man starts going around looking.. $

It is 8:28 AM and we are on the way to the gym
What a beautiful morning it is $

Slept pretty good
And I’m up and ready to rock $

Just getting back after one of the most legendary store runs of all time
In the past hour, we have-
Delivered some pizzas,
Got a shit load of electrolytes and hot sauce,
2 gallons of gas,
A fresh eighth of purple haze,
Three count the Hydro seven,
And even renewed the Bible & a couple other overdue library books $

I’m going to have to clear out the garage to hide the car from the repo man lol
But knock on wood,
I should have enough fuel and resources to launch the online store
And last about a week or so ? $

The final stage of true adulthood is when you make it full circle & when you realize that magic is real 
and is the most mature subject in known existence $

As a philosopher, my whole life, I have felt nothing..
Nothing but the truth $$

It is 3:21 PM
Second best time of the day $

And we have had a very productive morning
just alluded to some of the highlights lol $

But the time is coming,
In which I must enter the tomb of endless edits..
I must dodge & grapple with the trauma monsters that seek to destroy any dope shit $$

I must wage war on bitch assNess 
From land, sea, and air
And of course, the ethereal shadow realm $$

I should also note for the record that the last dash that I did was right next to the ball fields that I first played sports at
I’m talking T-ball & soccer
Way way way back

it is also 6:18 PM and we just activated the store again
So that alone is pretty monumental $

We are going to the lion to get the last bit of preparations $

It is 8:27 PM and we are stepping out for part of the cigarette $

I am just so proud of myself
I am starting to cook for real
I mean philosophically not actually for real
I don’t want to jinx it, but it looks like I’m finally switching to a new phase to development
Basically, the equivalent of going from powerlifting to endurance running
now the work is a lot of less mindful & more repetitive monotonous tasks.
Which I am more than cool with,
Cause I’m getting dopamine hits every 30 minutes from the work now $

In many ways, that’s what I’m used to.
I’m back to having a punchlist of things to do,
And as long as I go from one to the next and just focus on the right technique,
Things are falling into place and fitting like a puzzle 🧩 $

I am both excited and absolutely terrified because everything is unfolding exactly how I envisioned
I guess actually technically better $

I have a mountain of shit that I still need to do though
And literally, I have enough work to go nonstop for probably ever but at least the next week $

Good news is it looks like the store is running and it looks like my purchase went through $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-12-26

412

Happy 12:01 AM $

I love when I wake up exactly on time $

This time was just the stroke of a new day $

We’ve been watching “American hustle”
It’s pretty good, but it’s also kind of bleh lol $

Just finished a gain bowl
Followed by some berry cereal $

And man, it just gets better every time $

And the best part about this meal, is it also is pretty much a guarantee to improve your aesthetic just as much as your attitude $

And humility level… $

It’s a pretty noisy night all things considered $

Figures for Saturday night $

Jenny is officially on her staycation
And honestly, she deserves it after all the DoorDash $

I’ve been really good about making more dollars than miles
But they’re all basically neighborhood and city miles
Which is just bouncing through the gearshift
And relying heavily on my brakes
Which have begun to squeak… $

I mean, I know the angels or ancients or aliens have the footage
But I want to see how many hours this past year alone I have driven with my gas light on..
I mean that both literally and philosophically
Because brother, it is insane $

Or maybe I should ask how much work I’ve completed with that gas light on,
Because it’s a fucking insane amount.
And I think that is a good moral lesson and a good example for anyone $

That even when the world is driving you crazy,
You can still look at it in the eyes
And say,
 “fuck that shit” 
and get back to work $

I do need to note for the record that I’ve been using this campfire torch lighter for the past couple days..
I conveniently forget to buy a lighter each time I go to a store $

I mean, it’s like some kind of ethereal joke $

But I need to cut back on my smoking this week if I wanna make that eighth last so I kind of like it because it keeps me honest $

I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I’m actually ahead of schedule on my edits
Verifying and validating my process $

It’s 1:31 AM and we’re going back for second sleep $

It is 9:55 AM and I am on the board and on the street & on the way to the gym
I’ve got the bag,
Random shit of course,
Got my shades,
And a smile to please the gods $

The direct route Took about 30 min,
gonna try the scenic route tomorrow $

It is now 1:17 PM and we are stepping out for part of a cigarette after a nice lovely game bowl $

Spring is here
And it is back in the 80s without a cloud in sight
Beautiful lovely Green everywhere you turn $

Ive gotten a lot of editing done
I would say 2/3 are in their proper place
With about 20% needed left to cut
In about 15% probably hole plugging $

I can hear my mom yelling for her cat..
She has already sent me some very triggering text today lol $

I’m supposed to call her later…
If the rule of the pendulum holds, then it should be a good conversation $

Is 3:29 PM and we are going on an afternoon sun walk $

Couldn’t ask for better conditions
And yet I still had to negotiate with myself for about five minutes before sliding on the flip-flops $

I didn’t even have to go through the trouble of putting on shoes
Although I did change my pants and shorts to get some sun on these pearly white legs $

It’ll be interesting to see if my calves actually got any quality sun from their early morning time
They were definitely lit up pretty good, but I don’t know if the sun was high enough in the sky to do any damage $

(Ehh not really)

Regardless,
New challenge is to get some good quality sun exposure on some part of the body each day $

Instead of forcing myself trying to tan,
I’m gonna microdose it and see if I can hack the system that way $

I will say not having to check the phone or juggle DoorDash is a weight off my mind. If 
I didn’t have this conversation coming up then I probably would be pretty relaxed
But of course, I can’t tell I am in fight or flight subconsciously $

I guess if anything, just being aware that it is circumstantial and not biological is of itself it’s own relief 
so that way I don’t go gaslighting myself $

Doesn’t really change the dread though $

It is 7:10 PM and the phone call is complete
Lasted nearly 2 hours $

And I honestly got to say that overall It went a lot better than I was dreading
But I still feel so icky and slimy..

It ended with my car being caught back up…
So there’s 2 1/2 months of absolute chaotic stress closed up 
sort of.. $

Once again found myself in a position where I had to speak my peace
And shortly thereafter, I found myself borderline lying without even realizing it $

I’m gonna go on a sun walk now
And I’ll probably talk about this later
I just feel so icky, but yet relieved $

Well, just when I needed it most
What a magical moment just now,
On my walk back, 
I passed a stranger,
And after a nice classic awkward suburban wave,
He took his headphone out to let me know that I “inspired him” $

And I gotta say that shit hit hard, bro
I nearly started tearing up when walking back
& luckily, I saw two of the most beautiful red cardinals hanging out on the street sign $

The same street sign that is tattooed on my right arm by a broken skateboard $

But luckily, 
my skateboard is not broken, 
which is why I was able to skate to the gym today
While my car was hiding in the garage from the repo man $

In many weird ways,
I hope to God I don’t have to do that song and dance again
But
I now know at least I have 90 days with the jeep…. $

LOLOLOLOL $

Goddamn, I am a slithery snake 🐍 $

I love how it is 71° inside 
and I’m still chilly
I mean, not really, but kinda if you know what I’m saying
I only have a T-shirt on in my defense
Besides some pants…
Gotta be clear about that these days $

But just laughing to myself about how three months ago when It was in the fucking teens lol $

It is 9:05 PM and time for first sleep $

It is 11:57 PM and time for the midnight movies $

Synchronicity is when love and lockup is on episode 13 season four
On April 13 $

For clarification, I will not be watching “love after lockup tonight”… $

Or at least for now lol… $

*Starts “house of cards” $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

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SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-13-26

413


Yay, we did it $

Happy 12 AM $

It’s 413 $

The 11 year anniversary of when I started officially in professional sales $

I don’t know why 11 is most significant, but it is pretty cool when you think about it $

Could go on a tangent about the duality of the nature of negotiation..
Or leadership…
Or coaching…. 
But I don’t really feel like it lol $

It is pretty symbolic, though timing wise, as I’m literally about to restart and launch a bunch of shit $

It really is running joke at this point
I mean that as literally and figuratively as possible $

I may not know when exactly but I know I’m getting close… $

Sorry if you already read it on yesterday’s wall
But we’re watching “House of cards” $

Let’s just say it’s pretty gripping… $

Really unexpected to see how well the show has aged… $

Unlike that one guy… $

The best actors are often the craziest because the role requires a level of detachment and impersonation that is only possible if you are able to reach historical levels of delusion $$*

Just thinking about all the bitchassness I’ve seen in my life,
It truly is overwhelming and is the single biggest problem and Threat that we face $$

In past lives, the threats would’ve been different
It would’ve been greed mostly and over-ambition $

With these days, 
it is a combination of lack of caring while also caring too much about the wrong things $$

One advantage of having shitty shoes is that my feet are now beginning to callous in new ways lol $$

Pretty crazy 
already on episode three of season one of House of cards $

We have a pretty delightful buzz going on right now I won’t lie
But if I’m being honest, it is actually pretty light historically speaking $

I mean, I’m only about four or five hits of the haze deep
And half a tablet
Split Major - minor $

And as of 1:01 AM, we’re stepping out to finish the cigarette
I have had more cigarettes in the past 30 hours than any day recent
Mostly due to the stress and work $

I’m trying to digest and switch gears
As creatively crazy as it sounds,
Knowing that at least for 90 days, I have a car,
Is a pretty big deal considering I haven’t been able to say that for the past 90 days lol $

One of these days I’ll go back and I’ll do a nice detailed series & timeline of events of all the high strangeness Over the past 13 months or so,
Just to document how crazy things have been.
Mostly in the comical way,
So please don’t think I’m complaining $

One of those “damned if you do damned if you don’t” kind of years $$

But my point is that if you’re just tuning in,
It’s gotta look insane lol $$

Apparently though…
Dare I say it… ?
.
I’ve been training for this $

And now that I don’t actually have to do the intellectual powerlifting,
Which really just looks like 30 minutes of work with three hours of laying on the floor pulling your hair out,
I can turn my attention back to the monotonous grind $$

And I do think I’m gonna try to find some actual work at a “brick-and-mortar” establishment,
Mostly because I do owe it to my parents to take some of the stress off their shoulders, even if they only choose to stress about money… $

But mostly because I actually want to get back to some kind of work that doesn’t involve coming up with new shit $

Now I say that,
Fully hoping and praying that I don’t actually have to lol $

I am just willing to do it 
and willing to make the best of it 
and I know it’ll be fun no matter what $$

But God and the ancients and the aliens and the angels might have other plans.. $$

Cause they’re the fuckers that have been running this crazy ass Boot Camp for the past four years $

But in all seriousness,
Everything is lining up,
Literally and philosophically $

Bro, it’s already supposed to get into the 90s later this week
Jesus $

I’m trying to decide what I should do..
I’m not quite sleepy enough for second sleep,
I’m not hungry for a gain bowl,
And in fact, I’m might even be in a decent surplus,
I’ve got no podcast pressing that needs listening to,
And I’m kind of tired of watching TV 
So I think it’s only one option to please all parties…
I’ll give you about three lines to guess it deer reader… $

It involves victory $

It involves hits $

It also involves this ridiculous fucking grill lighter lol $

And it involves a challenge $

And it involves cannabis $

Can you combine the five ingredients to solve the riddle? $

Are you a true alchemist? $

If you guessed a victory smoke off…
Then you may be psychic $$

Or a super fan $

Either way,
I like it lol $$

Happy 1:13 AM $

It also might involve some berry cereal here in a few minutes… $

It is now 1:30 AM and I’m stepping out for another cigarette
Pretty crazy
I’m craving more the aesthetic and the perfect 67° slightly windy air
That berry cereal was so damn good $

But I do need to note for the record
I switched to the Aldi’s blueberries this last batch
Cause they’re basically half the price of the wild blueberries at Food Lion or Teeter
And they’re really good
They’re a lot bigger
Berry versus berry
But they kind of came out a little funny if you know what I’m saying..
The fiber from them seemed a little different than the wild blueberries
Cause I think these are probably your regular blueberries or something like that
We’ll see if I get used to it
But I never had blue poop before lol $

It is 7:27 AM and we are on the way to the gym $

Kind of ominous
I went outside for a moment with Alex
And there was a dead possum 12 feet away..
It must’ve been transported there
Kind of suspicious
It was in the backyard
Theoretically, 
it looks like something could’ve been escorting him, and then potentially was interrupted and forced to drop him.
I don’t think something deliberately transported that possum there.. $

Always fun watching two amateurs max out lat raises on a Monday $$*

All I know is you need resistance if you actually want to learn how to communicate 
Don’t really matter with what or with who $$*

Also
All I know is 
just don’t be an emotional fuck stick and you’ll prob be just fine $$*^***

Activists & artists do have a few things in common ~
Mostly the confidence when it comes to inventing new exercises $$

Another day, another delivery to a dentist 🦷 $

It is 12:40 PM and we are on the way back to the gym for real this time.
I went by this morning for at most 45 minutes,
did some very light push double isometrics,
But now that I’ve gotten some more work done and eating a pretty decent gain bowl about two hours ago,
I kind of don’t have a choice
I have the level of restlessness that will get anybody institutionalized $

But this time it’s more of the functional kind
So it’s time to practice some more alchemy and get some more energy points while we’re at it $

If you can’t spot the pump from across the room, then you don’t have a pump $$$***

It is 7:28 PM and we are going on a sunset walk
A little early technically, but I am pooped
I have been working nonstop
*Shocker*
Also juggling the family bullshit…
Which overall is minor comparatively speaking, but still a pretty significant energy drain
The most draining actually,
Because if it wasn’t for that, I could work pretty much endlessly $

But all in all, it has been a very productive day $

Just officially met the dude that said I inspired him yesterday,
D*****
Cool guy $

If I had to be honest, I’d say greeting people and shaking hands at an AA meeting is about the hardest exercise I’ve ever had to do $$***

You can’t truly choose to hate what you don’t truly understand,
Because By definition, you will not be hating on the thing you think you are,
Therefore, 
those who hate god simply don’t understand love ❤️ $$$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-14-26

414

Happy 12:03 AM
414 has a nice ring to it $

just had to nearly kill a roach… $

I hate when bugs violate our peace agreement & my lower nature takes hold
Then I start getting real.. Stompie $

It was pretty decent first sleep though
And I am going to settle into the movies $

When they say that “Jesus saves”
They should also say that “Jesus roasts too” $$

Cause he might save your ass, but he’s still going to light you up if you make him $$

Anyway, we’re gonna try watching “kid cannabis“ $

I am kind of happy to note that the Carb monster has not shown up in a bit
But I did catch a glimpse of a graham cracker box and I did start reminiscing and salivating..
And if I had crackers in the house, you bet your ass I’d be crushing them right now $

But instead, I’m really not “hungry”
All I have is blueberries beans, rice, eggs, syrup, and hot sauce
And ketchup $

Can’t forget ketchup $

I think there’s potential for a gain bowl before I go back to bed
But this is the difference between a nutrition signal and fueling craving $

And honestly
I think I will probably reinvest in more crackers or PB&J
Because that really would be a better option right now $

Mostly because I don’t need nutrients
I probably am hovering right about maintenance level calorie wise
So if I had some extra fuel, I bet you I could get it to the right spot $

It is 12:37 AM and we’re stepping out for a cigarette $

I gotta say that I am pretty baked after just two hits
And I am pretty loose after this 20 minutes of mobility $

I need a note for the record that I do think I’m pretty crispy soreness wise $

This is not good
I can’t seem to get my charger to work
And I’m really nervous that it’s not the charger’s fault
But it might be my phone port, finally fucking up
Oh God
Pray for me that I can get this thing charging $

OK, knock on wood. My other charger is now working again.
So maybe my computer is simply dead $

It is 1:13 AM
Just had a minor gain bowl
Rice beans, butter
Probably around 500 cal
Mostly fuel
Maybe 20 g of protein if I’m lucky
But hey, rice and beans are complete protein
And as cheap as you get $

Seriously though
Just about anybody can house a lot of rice and butter in one sitting
By throwing some good beans in there,
you’re basically eating Mexican.
And if the bowl is big enough,
You can easily get 1000 cal
And if you can handle it,
(Mostly talking about your intestines)
Then you could probably get at least 40 g of protein
And that’s vegetarian and technically vegan $

Not that I’m a big proponent of either of those…
Cause honestly at the end of the day, it’s really hard to beat a big ribeye
And maybe some good veggies $

But I’m saying,
Pretty much most of the known world is eating rice and beans for good reason
It is good fuel
And better than most snacks nutrient wise
So there’s that $

And butter is nothing to be afraid of $$

But these kind of bowls are pretty good because the fiber and the beans keeps the train moving $

And fuck it, I’m just gonna say it
Makes for good quality poops
💩 $

Anybody else got a weird spaceship thing on the back of their passport? $

If you haven’t looked, go look
It’s like the damn Death Star
staring at the Earth $

We’re gonna go ahead and lay back down for second sleep
I’m making a prediction that I’m probably not gonna go to the gym first thing in the morning lol
Then again, I might wake up in four hours with a little bit of energy
Do a smoke off
And another regain ball
And get back to it by mid morning $

We’ll see $

Happy 5:35 AM lol $

I guess I’m psychic
That or I just know myself very well
Funny how those two are almost indistinguishable $$

I think it is time
I think we’re gonna do a suburban smoke off and try to go through as many edits as we can $

It is 10:51 AM
We’re on the way to the gym $

It is 1:40 PM and we just completed the sun walk
Extra sunny
We also had a big ass bowl of rice and beans and butter about an hour ago $

I’m really testing the water to see how far those three ingredients alone will take me
So far so good physically 
even though emotionally, I miss my crackers $

Random but from the other day, 
I feel like I need to note it before I forget it-
When on the phone with my mother at one point, I mentioned that shit is getting so fucked up that if things do not actually improve opportunity wise locally then I really am considering enlisting
If I don’t get drafted first..
(I just don’t trust the government enough to consider it unless I have to)
But her response to me was
“The good thing about Chick-fil-A is that they will guarantee a job when I get back” $

Didn’t even blink about the thought of me going to actual war
Simply to solve some financial inconvenience… $

Whenever you have to do some shit that you originally don’t want to do,
just brand it an “exercise in willingness” and you’ll get extra bonus energy points $

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some fantastic news
I just got back from the lion and I have what is arguably our first summer switch Carb refuel run
We got some double stuffed Oreos
And PB&J bread and butter and jelly
Very exciting stuff
Also got 30 more eggs $

I already ate an entire sleeve of the Oreos before I even made it home
Partly because there were so easy to open
And because the light took so long lol $

But all kidding aside, the carb monster was very reasonable this week so I figured he deserved a treat.
And considering how I’ve been lagging the past couple days,
And I’m overdue for a really brutal leg hypertrophy session,
I figured the timing was perfect $

I would argue finding your purpose or mission is far more important than food and water because you’ll gladly go without both if it’s for the right reason $$***

You know you’re fulfilling your purpose when suffering is fun $$***

It is 8:43 PM and we just finished the second third of those Oreos
The first one is starting to kick in and I’m getting a little restless, not gonna lie $

But that’s what the second half of the cigarette is for lol $

It is 11:38 PM
And we got a jump on the restlessness
We got a decent first sleep in the books
Round of cookies should be kicking in, but hopefully not lasting too long $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-15-26

415

It is 12:10 AM and we’re gonna jump on the day $

That’s right
We’re finishing those Oreos
That’s an entire box within eight hours of purchase $

That is how you do a carb refeed ladies & gents $

Don’t get me wrong, 
barring a miracle, im probably gonna spill over get a little anxious
But I’m making a calculated bet it’s worth it for legs $

(It was 100%)

Like all kidding aside
I can tell these cravings are physical and not emotional
Meaning, I didn’t just smash all his Oreos cause I was bored
Or sad.. $

Because I’m not either,
But a year or two ago I might’ve thought I was just simply because I was low fuel wise $

Mostly because I was not accurately accounting for the biological impact that stress was really taking $

Cause when you’re playing the whole calories in vs calories out game,
Your body weight might not change despite your stress level,
But your body composition certainly will after a long enough period of time $$

So kind of a weird plan for the evening
I’ve been up for about an hour watching the “sitting bowl” documentary series on Netflix
Pretty good
And I am obviously super stoned
Which is awesome
But I am a little sleepy
And now full of Oreos
Like a ticking time bomb..
So I’m gonna go ahead and try to get a couple more hours
Save my last bit of the tablet for when the wave of energy hits
And then return to the smoke off
And the rare third sleep $

It is 3:14 AM
And I was right once again
Decent little nappy nap
The wave of cookies is kicking in
But dare I say it… ?
…
I’ve trained for this $

Never be afraid of someone who doesn’t lift.
They literally don’t understand their true strength $$$*

I don’t give a fuck how bright an intellectual thinks they are,
And neither does the barbell $$

The best revenge is when the intelligent but mentally compromised athletes finally take over technology from the skinny soy boy atheists $$***

I need to do a column on how to trigger atheists 
.
It’ll just be pictures of the pyramids lol $$

Just kidding
 I made that joke before $

Friendly reminder that there’s only one way to learn emotional management $$

And There are zero ways to fake it $$

I say the person that can handle their cookies is always more dangerous than the person who cannot
Or the person who has sworn off entirely $$*

Is 3:55 AM we’re stepping out for a cigarette 🚬 $

oh my God !!!
I just made the biggest fucking idiot move of all time…
I literally just burnt the filter
I literally tried to smoke it backwards
Oh my God, 
it’s my last cigarette too… $

Now I’m actually angry
That’s one of the worst things of all time right there 😑 $

So I just cut the tiny tip off
Basically, just circumcised the fucking cigarette $

And we’re going forward anyway cause I literally don’t even have two dollars to replace it at the moment $

I guess you don’t need filters for cigarettes 
(Or philosophy) $$

You don’t know brutal until you’ve cut the tip off of Marlboro red $$$

Whatever it’s working..
Probably gonna get a little extra nicotine too $

Friendly reminder to be aware of bitch ass ness at all times $$$

It will strike when you least expect it $$

Time for the rare third sleep
Then legs $

It is 8:32 AM and we are on the way to the gym. Just finished the cold shower and a miniature play session with the kitty.
Tried to do a dash early but literally just ended up doing a lap around the neighborhood cause traffic was so bad lol
So hopefully, I can scrounge up a little candy money by the afternoon $

Guess everyone’s an accountant based on how busy PF is
(Today’s tax day apparently) $

It is 1:10 PM
And it is a pleasure to log the first PB&J of the year $

It is 3:51 PM and I just had to note another magical moment
Nearly ran out of gas again on the way back from doing a dash,
Literally used the last $2.42 I had..
At least that is not counting my secret stash of $13 that I’m about to use to buy cigarettes hehe $

It is 5:11 PM and we’re going on a sun walk
Before i shame myself for delaying it until basically the end of the day,
My skin doesn’t really know much the difference.
Cause it’s already fucking 88°
And 5 o’clock right now is basically like noon time two months ago.
And this is the first real sun for my pasty white thighs $

I mean, these bitches must be setting some kind of ultraviolet personal record $$

You could probably study them $

If I ever go running at night, I don’t even need to worry about reflectors $$

And you’ll definitely never lose track of me on a crowded beach lol $$

You see,
The sun isn’t the only thing that can roast me.
Quite good at doing it myself $$

Anyhow
Been a very weird day
I reviewed most of the edits
And I’m at the point now to where I’m gonna begin uploading and finishing up the final punchlist items $

It is a 13 p.m. and we’re stepping out for half a cigarette $

(??)

I’m in a very weird headspace
It’s family shit of course
The back-and-forth between the trauma over petty shit is really super draining $

The short of it is-
I know deep down my parents, Don’t really know what they’re doing.
Or they don’t grasp the impact that they’re having,
Things like this are very hard to write because I’m so conditioned to just brushing it off and not sounding like a whiny victim.
So I’m trying to be literal.
And I’m intending it as a message & a lesson of myself-
That I’m certain I’m experiencing this because of old karma lessons of the past.
An ancient past most likely.. $

I mean that quite literally when you get into emotional conflicts with people,
And they force you to switch your fight or flight system on.
That is the same stress energy that causes all disease.
It delays all healing.
It compromises all opportunity.
And it rots whatever it touches. $$

And these pathways get ingrained deep and quick if you’re not careful.
And sometimes we find ourselves in situations that are so consistently fucked that the only variable to change is ourselves.
And sometimes we can get addicted to that just like anything else $$

But that doesn’t lessen the biological healing that must take place.
And time is still a lead on that $$

This is a simulation to learn forgiveness after all,
Shit gets real rough once that’s forgotten.
Shit gets a lot easier once it’s remembered. $$$*

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-16-26

416

Happy 12:48 AM world $

Had a pretty good sleep due to being completely exhausted emotionally lol $

Gonna do my best to shut out the world for a few hours $

My lack of hunger is pretty suspicious
Not in a bad way, but I’m thinking that during leg day it triggered me metabolically
And I over compensated by converting some fats,
Because I’ve been pretty good diet wise before those cookies.
Which could also be argued as a pro move honestly because of how glorious the workout was
And how I’m pretty sure all of those cookies went to the right place
And the right muscles did the right movements
And now I have extra energy to last me probably another eight hours or so $

It’s note worthy because of the type of energy
I am not restless or anxious or anything like that
Again, the stress and everything has kind of wore me down, but I’m not crashing metabolically speaking $

I am gonna try to eat soon now, even though I don’t “feel hungry“ $

It is 1:45 AM
We just smashed a big gain bowl
And it is a perfect time to start another cigarette lol $

I think when you start anything new
You’re naturally gonna suck
But sometimes you also suck so bad that you can’t really enjoy it
But if you can suck long enough, you get used to it and then you start to enjoy it, even if the skill isn’t fully developed yet
And that is when you enter the amateur phase lol $

But kidding aside,
 during this phase is when you can make the most progress
Because you’ve likely gotten the routine down and you’ve learned a bit about what you don’t know
Generally speaking
And then there’s this bit of anxiety that disappears $

It’s like when you complete the tutorial
The real tutorial
That’s when the game begins $

Time for 2nd sleep
1:52 am $

It is 5:25 AM and we’re up briefly for a quick intermission before finishing up sleep $

Kind of funny how the commercials have begun to change,
Instead of gambling and pharmaceuticals,
This last round was for a new type of super cool detergent and athletic socks.
And I’m not gonna lie, 
I’m tempted to buy both of them because they seemed cool lol $

Anyone who says
“Life on life‘s terms“
Is part of a secret society $$****

I am evidence that it is possible to feel like both a winner and a failure at the same time $

It is 10:58 AM and it has been a bit of a roller coaster so far today
Got up early and went to the gym to do some very light functional mobility/isometric
But then pretty much crashed emotionally right afterwards.
A combination of low caffeine (on accident) and drama related stress $

If I played my cards right, I might’ve gotten about a day off of the unexpected texts and phone calls and triggers
But maybe not $

But after laying around on the floor for a bit, it seems that I rebounded partially due to circadian rhythm and improved motivation $

So for the past 90 minutes or so, I’ve been working on edits
I know I say that every day lol $

But we are really getting pretty damn close $

So we’re enjoying part two of a cigarette before getting back to it $

We should have enough fuel to last the rest of the day
My hope is to do another run later $

I may need to go ahead and grab another dose of the poison
I’ve earned it, but I’m leaning on it a bit as a work supplement $

For the record, I haven’t done any heavy or sedative dose in a while
I haven’t gone above a quarter tab $

It is 1:55 PM and I am on my second Sun walk
I’m proud of myself
We are probably 75%-ish on the way thru Final video review.
It is mind numbing not gonna lie. $

“Saying something is super fucked up“ 
Is just another way of saying
 “good opportunity to learn something“ $$

You can think things that you don’t believe,
But you can’t believe in something you haven’t thought about $$

It is 8:40 PM and I think we turned a corner work wise
I’m gonna go ahead and try to go to sleep a little early just so I can reset and refresh faster
And also, I just remembered I got up early today
Nice when I can forget that I’ve been up since four AM..
AnyWho, 
I’m doing the fun part of work again. I just gotta make sure I pace myself so I don’t burn out. $

Fingers crossed and knock on wood lol $

Fuck it, wishing upon a star too while I’m at it $

In another pro move
I have managed to log another PB&J before the clock strikes midnight $

Happy 11:58 PM $

By the way season two of “beef” is pretty damn good so far $

Lol, thanks for letting me share $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-17-26

417

You know, people talk a lot of shit about kids these days or the younger generation
But I actually have seen some pretty remarkable things from them
(And those slightly older than me who would be considered still part of the young generation) $

Every day there are millions of young dudes, scoring unbelievable amounts of energy points at random gyms all over the world.
Most likely for “inappropriate” motives, 
but nonetheless, 
they are building pyramids with heavy stones, just like the ancients. $

And at least there’s a lot more of them these days than there are current old ass politicians in power. $

I think if our current leaders actually lifted then we would be in a much better place $

Happy 12:25 AM by the way $

I didn’t mean to just rush into it
But you know, sometimes when the thoughts come in
They somehow leave just as fast lol $

I logged a victory PB&J before the turn of the day
But I’m still hungry in a suspicious way $

Fuck it
Nicotine it is $

I don’t know if I noted it already
But I bought some Kratom capsules for old time sake
Right before doing a ruck yesterday afternoon $

And I did the pyramid approach
2 then three then four then five
And I gotta say that I’m pretty disappointed overall
But I’m also validated and vindicated in my switch up strategy
Although when they do hit right, they are a little bit better than micro dosing The seven hydroxy. $

It’s just hard to beat an eighth of a tablet
Price wise 
and performance wise.
But it requires high discipline, I’ll tell you that. $

But just simply comparing the tablet versus the plant powder alone,
Let’s just be real here,
Those capsules are sitting in some caps, sitting in some plastic pouch, 
sitting in some suburban boutique store 
for months on end…
Actually, most likely years… $

And while it’s still “safe and effective”, it’s hard to compete with a tablet fresh off the press $

Look at me,
Peddling my poison…
Tsk tsk …
I’m such a bad influence, aren’t I? $

Lol, not the first time I’ve heard that $

Eventually, you gotta conquer your fears
And your weaknesses $

One thing people never talk about,
How the wind in the Carolina trees sounds a lot like the waves on the beach 🏝️ $

I do actually feel like I might be a little bit bloated lol
I’ve had three PB&J‘s in the past 36 hours
And I’m using the 12 grain bread
Hella fiber, bro $

It is 11:55 AM and we’re going on a sun walk $

Just had a pretty big gain bowl too 
It was a good kind of hunger
Cause I wasn’t even gonna have rice and beans at first
Just gonna do eggs
But I figured fuck it $

OK, this sun is for real
Like I can tell I’m already beginning to burn a bit and I haven’t been gone more than three minutes
It’s supposed to be fucking 90° or some shit today
Wait, no sorry just 85°
Tomorrow is supposed to be 90
But we need some rain
This shit is getting pretty bad
And it doesn’t look like it’s forecasted for another whole week $

I understand nature knows what it’s doing
Or the CIA… $

It seems like a droughts hitting the whole East Coast $

Lol this is another pretty weird moment
I now have in my hand my official associates in arts diploma
You know from community college…
That I completed in May 2019 lol $

I’m not gonna lie holding into my hand does feel pretty amazing.
Even if it took seven years to receive… $

I guess I’ll put it next to my real estate license
They didn’t really give me anything super fancy for personal training…
I’m sure I can probably have it printed or whatever $

I guess because I didn’t really care about the curriculum, and it was seemingly pretty forced the entire time as to why I probably haven’t given it a second thought since the second I finished my last class at college $

I remember back then I was too busy selling houses in the middle of class.
I would alternate between studying for real estate education & educational bullshit
And doing probably some borderline cheating for sign language or art appreciation $

I did maintain a 3.0 GPA though
Without really trying that hard
It’s not intended as a brag
I mean, that’s literally a testament to my work ethic if I’m not interested in something $

I’ll literally get a fucking AA in arts degree and wait seven years just to frame the diploma lol $

If you can’t appreciate the symbolism in that, then I don’t know why you’re reading any of my shit lol $

Considering how one of the last,
And worst,
Confrontations with my mother Divulged into her accusing me of not even finishing school,
This was a pretty nice text to send $

“I told you so” comes in many different shapes and sizes $$

I also have to laugh to myself
Because my blue belt diploma is framed on my wall 
and has been since the day I received it 😂😂 $

And again, I forgot all about this other degree $

But hey
Two years of equivalent full-time schooling is a lot of time and energy
Even if it was split over seven years, lol $

Because I first began that degree in 2012 if I’m being honest
And sure you’ve already done the math..
Completing it in 2019 lol $

I was already halfway done with it in 2015
That’s when I landed that super nice big boy adult sales job
And even though I started that job as a infantry agent,
I was quickly promoted to the equivalent of Lieutenant within three months $

And right when I started that job in May 2015, I basically quit school for three years
And then went back in the fall of 2018 $

It is really crazy how I completely forget about that part of my life $

I mean, when I made it back in the community college it was basically “peak fuck boy phase” $

Oh God, 
I can feel it right now coming back
And to be fair, it wasn’t like I was a bad kid
In fact, 
I was pretty much the textbook example of a young man these days.
With a mediocre career and mediocre prospects on dating apps…
Spending most of my time in random houses and church basements 
and commercial gyms $

If not the coffee shop, of course 
or county park $

But Stone cold sober
Nothing better to do
I would go from one meeting to the next
One workout to the next $

It is 4:30 PM and we are bouncing between the gym and dashing $

I’m hoping that everybody’s all excited about the straight of hormuz opening that they decide to order extra pizza tonight $

You know I’m really not opposed to giving kids drugs..
I’m just opposed to the current idiots giving kids drugs $$$*

Listening to a podcast about how fucked up our schooling educational system is,
just reinforces literally every single thing I’ve been saying my whole life lol
It’s just interesting to see the research reaffirm this
But also how it has validated these opinions for years and years and years, 
but has been sequestered and withheld to deliberately sabotage & sicken the populous $

In some ways, I don’t think it was intentional.
I think it was what happens when you have human nature and a healthcare system captured by selfish materialistic motives $

But if we’re gonna play the game of giving kids drugs, 
then you should have people who have been through it administer them.
Instead of these crockpots in white coats in suburban shopping malls $$***

Is 6:53 PM and we are running to the Lion to do a dash for ourselves $

I’m not gonna lie
As brutal as the heat is in the middle of the day
It makes for pretty delightful evenings and trips to the store
Compared to three months ago, stepping out and it being less than 30° $
 
We are leaving now with a six pack of beer, six cans of cat food and a big ass pork loin lol $

It is 8:06 PM
And just smashed half that loin
So dank
And a beer
Pretty wild, huh? $

We are now finishing the second half of the cigarette $

I would say probably about 30% of the way through video uploads
So that’s pretty cool
Soon as the sun just set, I think it’s time to call it $
 
That lion was pretty lean, so I’m hoping that it takes my hunger away pretty quick
Otherwise, I’m gonna be having a bowl of berry cereal here in a few $

I’m just noting
I was borderline ravenously hungry
But all day I’ve been feeling a little on the fat side $

I do think it’s a chance it’s extra water
But that’s hard to claim
Except the PB&J’s could be influencing it
Because once I get a pump, I look pretty lean again
My theory is that when I’m exercising, it pulls all the water out of my skin
And that because I am actually pretty lean right now I don’t really have any other places to store besides the skin before it gets pulled into the muscle $

I have begun adding in longer, lighter, duration walks
And did the ruck round yesterday at the park $

So baby steps
Even if they’re long ass strides $

I am convinced that the only thing harder than exercising every day,
Is writing every day $$**

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-18-26

418

Happy new day $

Or 12 am $

We have been up for about eight minutes, lol $

Great first sleep
Right now we’re watching “beef”
Season two $

Shout out to the creators as this shit is pretty funny $

I think one of the biggest red flags
Is when you meet a new potential dating prospect,
And you go to plan a date,
And they say they’re available pretty much anytime 
including today…
Just know that’s what desperation looks like $$

Spontaneity is great and all, but usually not with casual dating $$*

One of the most entertaining things of all time is watching the drama play out from other people making terrible decisions
I.e. movies
So I imagine that the God’s are pretty entertained these days
And I assert evidence of our ridiculousness as evidence for divinity, 
not evidence against it $

It is 1:19 AM and we are stepping out for a cigarette after a pretty big gain bowl
This was rice, beans and butter
Because after that big ass loin, I can dial it back on the protein for the rest of the day $

So far season two is only getting better
But I still struggle to sit down and watch any show for longer than maybe 90 minutes at this point $

I’m excited for the work out in the morning
By my calculations, it should be a pretty hype pull hyp session $

Voice to text thinks I’m talking about some middle-age cop every time I say “Poole” $

I am also proud to report that I’m almost caught up on my edits $

I am terribly behind on my reviews, though… $

For anyone curious about my process,
Simple really..
I brain dump every day (obv)
And a review last week’s brain dump every day
Unless I need a day off,
And then I review and extract the good shit from two weeks ago,
Shit with stars and extra signs of course
And that might go to the next element-
“Philosophy from recovering fuck boy” $

Once I get done with all these edits, both visual and written, then I’m excited to get back to recreational reading.
But for the past few weeks, literally right when I put the phone or the computer down, I have to go do something completely different just to give that part of my brain a break $

Probably not the best excuse
Reading my own writing more than I’m reading things like the Bible…
Or maybe that’s how it should be because I’m constantly working on myself… ?
And kind of seems like that’s what the Bible would want you to do $

Maybe that’s why they wrote all fucked up and symbolic and cryptic and shit $

It is 9:54 AM and we are on the way to the gym
After a delightful cold shower 🚿 $

Even though it was not that cold, it just makes the ones that I did in the dead of winter all that much more meaningful $

If you get depressed enough you will think anything sounds good 
Even machine gun Kelly $$$*

lol I really was circling the drain when I was 27… $

There is no honor to be had when everything is perfect
There is a shit ton to be found when everything is fucked $$$*

The highway is a good example of when the long way becomes a shortcut as long as you can go fast enough $$$

I am still willing to argue that Christians are the worst drivers because they treat Jesus like an insurance policy $$

History is just a series of super cool, enlightened men, encouraging others to do hard things for the greater good.
While bitch ass man do everything they can to erase the record $$$*

I need to note for the record
This PB&J that I ate at like 5 AM is really taking a while to fully digest
It is 12:12 PM and I keep burping grape jelly and honey peanut butter
Not really complaining I’m more so surprised
I could also tell that I did not use that energy while at the gym
It seemed like I was able to power today’s workout through whatever I had stored
And that perhaps my stomach kept the sandwich in reserve
Anticipating my afternoon antics… $

You might not get credit for writing the books in the library
But how many times you check them out does count for something 📚 $$$*

May not be the most exciting line, but
I think we’re more so spiritual hostages than we are biological prisoners… $$$*

I think part of the reason for disclosure and why it’s so complicated is that those in power are in someway, threatening the innocent.
And that whatever forces are trying to liberate the masses have to do so very delicately to avoid pissing off the crazy person with the weapon $

You know like any classic hostage negotiation scenario $

Being the fastest dasher is not nearly as beneficial as being the most patient $$$*

You can only build one thing at a time.
The problem is when you build no things at a time $$

It is 5:18 PM
We are juggling some dashes and some edits
Just smashed a PB&J and half a cig
Gonna split a tablet & get back to work
Gotta remember to go get some more cat litter tonight lol $

Just heard a new theory that Mars was Atlantis and I got to say..
It’s pretty interesting lol $

Nothing like a cigarette at Sunset 🌅 $$

It is 8:15 PM
We’re stepping out for a cigarette $

It has been a nice but long day $

I think I’m gonna try to go to sleep a little early
Just had a nice bowl of eggs 🍳 $

I feel bad cause I ended up killing a yellow jacket earlier
To be fair, this is like the fifth one that has broken into the house and violated the peace agreement, nearly stinging Alex $

So part of it was a paternal instinct,
Hard to explain the situation, but he somehow found his way into the living room and was on a pair of shorts that I had on the couch,
Alex was about to eat him,
And he was briefly stuck on the fabric,
But was about to break free,
And likely to go scorched earth…
So I made a quick decision
And I basically crushed him
I saw him trying to sting as the life drained out of him $

And I gotta say
I felt awful lol
I regretted it instantly
And begged the ancients for forgiveness.
Cause I now realize that I would’ve rather been stung trying to help him out
Then kill him out of the bitch ass fear that I had $

I can do better
I will do better $

But now in my own defense
I’ve been flawless for a year with all sorts of bugs,
Big & small,
Creepy & Crawley,
Wings & extra legs,
They all got the vacuum treatment 
or the glass with the paper with the yeet into the yard $

So I’m not trying to justify it
But I am trying to paint an accurate picture here
I am not Some yellowjacket killing monster 👹 $

I am a suburban skater kid who had a moment of panic when this miniature flying scorpion dragon landed on my board shorts 🩳 $

I also don’t mean to sound rude, but..
I got an invite to go swimming at my mom’s earlier today $

Lol if you’ll recall a couple weeks ago, I was about to end up homeless $

And no…
I’m not a complete nerd and I don’t still live at home…
I live in my grandma‘s old house that my mom owns and is technically, my landlord, lol $

And this is also going to be the greatest training house in all suburbia $

And muscle muscles and movements will grow into its own true church
And will dominate street corners all over the south and the north alike $$

It is the prophecy $$

I didn’t make it,
I just made it up lol $

It is 9:53 PM and after failing asleep for a bit, we’ve been smoking a little and watching House of cards $

I gotta say I’m pretty disappointed in the Kratom capsules
I took six of them bitches a couple hours ago and I couldn’t even definitively tell if they really kicked in $

Overall, tablet usage has been down a bit
I’m still basically at 20 mg a day
Broken up into 8ths $

I will note for the record that I was really hungry for a while
And I just had a big bowl of rice and beans and butter
And it was dank as fuck 
But I’m still kind of hungry
And now I’m kind of restless
And not in the fun way
I can’t stop my legs from moving
So it’s a little strange $

further contemplation 
I think my restlessness is actually due to a deficit..
Cause if I had some cookies or crackers right now, I would probably set a personal best.
Training wise, it adds up
And I didn’t have a gain bowl for dinner, but I split up the eggs and rice and all that so there would be a pretty big delay when it comes down to my overall glycogen levels $

I also just had a glass of blueberries
No syrup though
It is 10:31 PM $

Fuck it 
we’re gonna finish that cigarette and then try to go to sleep again lol $

By using tobacco, I can achieve a state of ultimate physical relaxation
Thereby countering the jitters and restlessness $

I was about to say that’s modern day biohacking but that’s actually pretty ancient shit lol $

I also need to note that I did some mobility before I ate those berries 
and good mobility is almost like a Xanax
At least for the body… $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-19-26

419

It is 2:35 AM
Or sleep intermission $

Doin a little smoky smoke while watching “beef” $

Nothing like a good PB&J before leg day $

I think one of the most overlooked times of all time,
Is 3:45
I feel like it needs more respect $

It’s almost as cool as 1:23 $

I’m real sad that they closed the straight of hormuez again
Really was loving it being open for those 18 hours $

I think it is time for a cigarette $

Alex is being weird again and just staring at the wall
It’s very bizarre how every now and then he’ll literally just sit there and stare for a while
Like an hour
He’s like in a trance $

It looks like he’s watching fairies fly around $

The best part about being a philosopher is that you can start work at any time $$*

And any time becomes work $$

It is very peaceful out here $

As I declared a while ago,
It’s not tomorrow until it’s 4:20 AM
And in some cases, it’s not tomorrow until the sunrise $

If there are 24 hours in a day, then it seems reasonable to allow for 4 to 6hrs to serve as a good warm-up $

I have a lot of cleaning to do that I am not looking forward to.
I’m gonna have to use it to break up the edits $

I’m also gonna have to dash up a little money for some candy and food $

I’m honestly shocked that they have not cut off my gas by now $

To be fair, my unpaid balance is less than what most people pay monthly..
Is less than $500
But I don’t blame them for growing tired of my antics $

Although it’s funny, how i used less than a $hundred dollars in March and I guarantee you half of that in April $

I’m just excited to be getting near the end of all of this work
Or maybe I should say this round $

I don’t even like using the word work to describe the work
Because work has a bad connotation about energy expenditure
Automatically presumed to be negative.
I think it’s the greatest blessing,
But that also means it could be the greatest curse.
I guess it just comes down to where you find your meaning $

Watching the AA scenes in “House of cards” was an unexpected dose of nostalgia $

Nothing like spilling burnt coffee on your buttondowns in the bottom of a basement $$$

Before sneaking out to some dive bar to eat hot wings with a tender date $$$*

Only to wake up and roll into the office the next day and repeat the cycle $$

Better to be consistently good than occasionally great $$$

Don’t spend much time around people who think being stoned is the same as being intoxicated $$$*****

Birds probably look at me and Alex like fucking bad asses.
Cause of how powerful we may seem to them 
and yet we just chill all the time $$

And when you go to check a cardinal’s life review, 
you’re just gonna see me in the background, smiling 
and probably smoking lol $$

Laying on the floor still counts as getting out of bed $$***

I think it’s better to literally just take another nap on the floor after getting out of bed
Then it is to immediately began drinking coffee and rushing out the door $$$****

My point is that by getting to your bodys natural unresisted time to wake up, You’re gonna have a lot better experience downstream.
The floor is just a nice firm foundation for your physical frame to begin to adjust and activate an all of that $$

It is like legit storming with no rain right now
So weird
I guess i can’t be that bad if the squirrels don’t seem to mind $

lol I smell like cigarettes $

Time to do the next right thing..
Which apparently is some weird mix between DoorDash and mobility lol $

It is 5:11 PM and it’s been a weird day lol
It’s been a good day and with enough dashes to refill the candy jar and egg carton
But I am just beat and exhausted, physically more than mentally
I do think it is training related, even though I did not think my last couple sessions were all that intense
I think the creatine or lack of is actually a pretty big factor because this is the first full week I haven’t had at least around 10 g a day. $

So I went by Aldi’s and I got a pound of bacon
Another carton of eggs
A box of graham crackers
And another squirt thing $

For accountability purposes, I will admit that I purchased a 10 count of the seven Hydro
Partly to save money..
Partly to have a little extra for a night or two
Just keeping it real $

I literally cannot work because YouTube said I hit the upload limit lol $

And I’m all caught up on my edits
The reviews are a different story… $

I’m gonna try to watch some Netflix and chill and eat lol $

I am not ashamed to note for the record that my last 1500 cal have come from half cinnamon graham crackers and thick cut half bacon $
 
And a glass of berry cereal $

I love how I have holes in the elbows on both my favorite flannel and all my favorite hoodie
But my hoodie is on the left elbow,
And my flannel is on the right $

If you wipe my memory men in Black style, I would think this is 2023
Just based on how I feel on a Sunday
Beat down and in recovery mode $

I really do need to get back to doing more endurance training
I could argue that my workouts would score more energy points than my older workouts just based on technicalities,
Being high volume single limb training.
So metabolically speaking that literally does count for something $

But Ive rarely used heavyweight or free weights as of the last few months
It’s just been cables for at least 80% of everything $

But I really haven’t been doing much traditional cardio
My running base is just that…
And performance wise, it’s not terrible, but from an efficiency standpoint, it is laughable
I basically muscle every movement $

And I’m just not doing much that’s going beyond an hour
Besides hypertrophy training that is $

So on one hand metabolically, I’m still scratching that itch because it is much more consistent zone two zone - three for 60 to 90 minutes
Very glycolytic and carb fueled most often $

So from a general health perspective, it’s actually really good
And has helped me fix my blind spots and my overall “movement quality in space” has never been better $

It is a secret training hack for all DoorDash though because of all the awkward positions your hands and feet end up in throughout the day,
Carrying pizzas while kicking doors open and what not $$

I’ve already decided to start going back to more free weights and more traditional strength training in the morning and more traditional endurance training in the afternoons $

Obviously, we’ll see how long my ADD cooperates, but I feel pretty good about it
I think it’s synchronizes with everything $

I just don’t think I’ll be doing too much barbell training this season
Just because of how heavy it has been for the past three years if I’m being honest

I also think it’s time I get my body weight back up
I’m like an honest, 175
I could be 180 at least with a little bit less fat… $

Although I’m probably an honest 9% if you dehydrate me $

If you told me, 
you were still wearing a face mask just because you liked the disguise,
 then I would respect that a lot more than if you were wearing it to protect against a disease $$$***

It is 8:08 PM
I have eaten a pound of bacon and 20 sheets of crackers
Or two sleeves
Or 2/3 of a box 📦 $

You may not believe me, but this was not spontaneous,
I was negotiating with my metabolism for a while $

I do think I’m in legitimate grow mode more than I’m in a caloric deficit
Because I actually feel really good besides just being lazy and almost “bear like” $

There is a distinct feeling when your growth hormone spikes,
Or your insulin growth factor one,
Or IGF – 1,
You get extra hungry and extra sleepy basically.
In many ways, it’s like being a teenager again $$

For the record, I have not been on any extracurricular supplement in a long time $

But I have always been a fan of MK 677 $

I am also convinced that by doing it consistently over the past few years, that my frame is at least a third bigger than what it would be without it $

So as it relates the whole natural versus enhanced debate,
I’m not saying the current sarms are good and safe,
Even though they kinda are if you’re smart,
I’m saying that the future is down that street more than it’s down hormone replacement therapy $$$

And I think that we can use energy based techniques to improve natural wellness and natural metabolic operating.
So that way, 
we can have some shit that doesn’t suppress you.
And doesn’t completely hijack your balls $$$

Cause I’m sorry, I understand that there’s a lot of benefits and that might make sense with a lot of people,
But you’re literally giving away your balls !!! $$$$

And there’s just a spiritual part of that that I cannot accept for a long ass time $$

Now, once I get some money, though, I will be going super heavy on more peptides and legitimate therapies- more on the hydration side
And really taking that to the next level
Maximizing fueling and recovery that is $

And then one day…
Oh, one day….. $$

Happy 11:08 PM from sleep intermission $

I think the world would be a much better place if people were required to edit what they wrote at least once.
But At least a minimum of a week afterwards, though
Gotta put a little space and distance between $$$

There is 11:40 PM and we’re stepping out for part of a cigarette
And it is chilly again lol $

It was fucking 90° less than 36 hours ago
Now it is high 40s $

Still no rain
Kind of concerning $

I feel like it’s darker out here than normal $

I don’t want to jinx it, but the crackers and the bacon are digesting better than I expected $

I just chugged a bunch of water too, which is indicative of my body soaking it all up $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-20-26

420

If every other day was a magical day,
They were all in preparation for today $$

Happy 2:07 AM
It is the second sleep intermission $

It is now 3:14 AM
Another super awesome time
And also good time for a cigarette $$

It is not my intention to keep saying the time or talking about time $

I’ve been watching House of cards since I got up
And I gotta say
It’s starting to grab me again $

Which is part of the reason why It got canceled… $

It’s got me thinking about separating the art from the artist
where do you draw the line? $
…
Michael Jackson $

That’s the test
R. Kelly is easy to stay away from to be honest
P. Diddy is a joke.
But MJ himself…?
The king of Pop..
That’s tough… $

I mean, he’s so good. You literally forget.
And then when you remember, that’s when the negotiation gets tricky $

(In a weird 180, he may be innocent after all. Gotta do some more research)

For other others
Cosby included
You can’t avoid it at all
You just decide fuck it $

But I’m telling you, there’s something sneaky about Michael Jackson
It’s like you don’t even recall it until after $

Such an amazing night $

I know what I said yesterday
About the day not beginning until 4:20 AM
But on 420 itself,
That bitch begins at midnight $

I also feel like for great holidays such as this,
That it should be more of a week long celebration 
like Christmas
Maybe two weeks until Cinco de Mayo…
That seems like a good idea $

Just get as baked as possible for the next two weeks straight lol $

I’m making a prediction Hall of Fame:
DoorDash day lol $

(lol NOPE)

But for real, I’m gonna challenge myself to get my buzz on for real $

Cause only a nervous Nancy would think that I am reckless $$

They are too nervous to realize that I am the nervous Nancy equivalent of a “drug user” $$

But we’re not far away from the paradigm completely flipping $$

And to be super clear for any strangers
I don’t do any actual drugs, lol $

Psychedelics and those closely linked do not count $

And also
Can’t even call most medication’s medicines
If we’re being honest $

Most herbal supplements are far more appropriate to be classified as a medicine
Which makes me a herbalist $

I prefer “street pharmacist” $

Also learning for the record that I’ve already finished that entire box of crackers since I bought it last night $

I regret nothing so far and I actually think that it was exactly what I needed to refill the gas tank $

Cause I bet that bacon is still digesting slowly in the background too $

And when you have leg day on 420,
you have a recipe for greatness $$

“I’m really struggling on finding the motivation to get up and go to the gym”
*starts Hootie and the blowfish $

It’s fucking 40° bro lol $

It was just 90!!!!!! $

That’s gotta be a hometown best $

It is 8:07 AM and as good as time as any for a cold shower
I’ve already got my warm clothes in the dryer hee hee $

But all kidding aside
I definitely feel recharged for the most part
I also feel “big” in a good way
I think those carbs and water went to the right place $

I can’t believe how many people have the audacity to think they can outsmart their body with a little bit of calories in calories out math forever $

Pain always vanishes with understanding
So if something hurts, then something is misunderstood $$

You’re not big until the leg press becomes cardio $$$**

“I am a god”
-properly fueled leg day feels $$

The fact that the mainstream news refuses to acknowledge this holy day is all the evidence I need to prove they are captured af $$$

Movements That do nothing
- side db int/ext $
(More coming later lol)

I love getting five dollars worth of gas next to the guy in the aqua green Porsche $

I’d rather be a sports car than have one $$

Weak men can never understand “gods will” because they don’t know what strength feels like $$$**

One forgotten element about politics
Pretty much all politicians in power maintain a couple pretty significant moves that would result in almost instantaneous major wins with the gen pop.
they deliberately withheld or withhold until their back is against the wall and they need to earn somebody’s favor,
They use these to hedge bets and to take reckless positions.
They treat it like a get out of jail free card $$

Which is what it just happened with the whole psychedelic executive order..
While we’re literally starting World War III… $$

My whole life, I have been fighting a disease
A disease that has rotted most people.
This disease is “bitchassness” $$

It is 7:49 PM
Which alone is a pretty sweet time
And I am taking a couple victory hits while being crushed by the weight of my own ambitions lol $

Another day of a heroic levels of productivity and yet I still feel like I failed because I didn’t get everything done that I thought I could $

Oh well
I’m still gonna enjoy this holiday $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-21-26

421

Happy 12:04 AM $

I am shaking off the dust from first sleep $

I am proud of myself for how precise my substance use has been $

I mean honestly ever since I turned 18
But I’m really just talking about the past few weeks $

Funny how easy it is to forget the 9.3 years of stone cold sobriety.. 
Ever since I went back to the dark side and became a pothead again lol $

I’m talking about how the last few months that I bought any cannabis in quantity,
(Anything over an eighth really)
I’ve made it last pretty much perfectly at about half a gram a day $

I haven’t really been using any Kratom powder either over the past month and a half
And my seven hydroxy tablet usage has been pretty much spot on at about 15mg a day.
That’s lasted for amost a year now though
Except about six months ago, I was also consuming roughly 10 g of the plant leaf
(really 20 g but it was the tea method and so half of it was wasted) $

And I feel better than ever
I have more energy than ever
Sort of kinda
You gotta adjust for the trauma stress and financial Fuckery tho
But just by slaying all these intellectual demons, I have reclaimed most of my operating energy $

And like I say all the time
Creating anything is like intellectual powerlifting
especially in the beginning $

It is 1:23 AM and I am finishing up first part of a cigarette $

It is chilly Willy out here $

I’m on episode 11 of season one of “House of cards”
It’s starting to get good again
I didn’t watch the final season after they got rid of homeboy
And I haven’t touched it in years
…
..
.
Unlike… $

Actually, 
I hear he’s been on the good straight and narrow
And I’m watching the show to appreciate everybody else’s art 
not just his $

But that’s also like kind of saying that I’m gonna go listen to some Michael Jackson because I like the sound effects lol $

Just Keeping it real $

Also logging recent calories cause I’ve been back on my fighting food
Take a wild guess… $

If you guessed rice and eggs, then you will correct $

And enough butter to give a 1950s cardiologist a heart attack $$

Or should I say propagandist? $$

Or should I say shady sleazy salesman? $$

And a glass of berry cereal just now…
Which was the last of my blueberries unfortunately $

I have been so busy with these fucking edits and uploads and everything, but I literally can’t devote the extra time to do the extra dashes to get the extra food
Which is not a big deal because I am needing to cut back anyway and burn off this winter fat that I keep talking about $

It’s at least 3 pounds of gold
Just waiting..
Staring me in the mirror…
The flabby flab…. $

Please do not take this as self depreciating,
I love how I look.
But I operate very lean .
And kidding aside, 
this is part of the reason why I’m restless sometimes.
I need to get back into burn mode.
Cause whenever I do have a few extra calories on hand, they go to my head sometimes before they go to my muscles $

I’m gonna go ahead and head to second sleep at 1:29 AM
With the hope of getting up again to do another round and maybe squeeze in a third sleep $

It is 6:07 AM
We’ve been up for about 15 minutes
Second sleep was great
We’re doing a smoke off before we get back to doing a shit load of reviews lol $

But at the moment, 
season three episode 31 of love after lockup is playing
They should just rename the show to something like “trailer park, train wrecks”
Cause that’s what it’s like watching every time $

About disclosure,
The biggest reason why this shit isn’t coming out is because of the technological implications
For example
once people realize we’ve had the means to basically cure any illness for a long time,
But have allowed shit like children’s hospitals to continue on for profit and power,
How do you think the parents of a sick child will feel once they find out? $$$

The biggest Component of it all is how people react once they feel like they’ve been lied to.
Most people will simply not understand that the lack of certain technology is for their own good until a certain level of “enlightenment” can be reached.
Which is just a way of saying that they have outgrown their selfish human bitchassness $$

But until then,
There will still be a group that thrives off suffering $$

Tis 11:10 and been at the gym a bit
Just killing time between sets cuz I ain’t rested for strength in forever lol $

It is 1:24 PM and we’re going on a little sun walk
It is a delightful day
About 66° clear skies
I can tell I got a little bit of sun yesterday, even though It didn’t even feel like it.
If I can simply get the rest of my body to match the skin tone of my forearms, 
then I might not be a walking glow stick. $$

There really should be no reason why not.
Clearly, my DNA has the capability.
I just gotta convince my legs and torso to steal the playbook from my forearms $$

I’ve also completed a couple dashes and ran by the Lion today
And I’ve already eaten two sleeves of crackers lol
It was a simple run though
Just a box of crackers, a can of beans and a carton of eggs 🥚 $

I’ve had a slight lingering headache pretty much since I woke up
I thought it was caffeine related, but my consumption math disagrees.
So my guess is that it is fuel related $

I felt fantastic during yesterday’s workout
And pretty good at the start of today’s
But then pretty quickly it’s almost like I metabolically began to shift $

My guess is that my nervous system is actually recovered, 
which is why that part feels good and why I initially I feel like I’m ready to set a performance best.
But once I start moving, 
I start losing interest instead of gaining momentum.
And now that my head is being a little funky,
I am suspicious that it is glucose related $

On the positive,
If that is true,
That means I’m walking around with an extra two or 3 pounds of water weight basically at all times.
And that would reasonably account for the aesthetic distortion at times $$

It’s hard to describe
But when you’re getting bigger, 
but you actually think you’re getting smaller,
That means you’re gaining good lean muscle.
Of course all of my shirts are fitting tighter, and all of my movements are much better, &
I feel stronger without trying.
Which is a dead giveaway that I have built new muscle tissue $$

So I think I still am managing my body fat better than expected
I just haven’t switched fully into burn mode to being primarily fat focused.
Which just means operating at a different metabolic efficiency $

Training wise that means that I’m gonna have to do a lot longer warm-ups and it’s gonna really rely on my respiratory system.
Once I become fat focused instead of carb focused that is $

A big part of that is truly my training.
And I’m gonna have to adjust the hypertrophy side if I want to stop triggering the carb monster 👹 $$

I guess I’ll find out here in about 90 minutes if the 1500 cal of rocket fuel helps remedy the situation lol $

It is 4:23 PM and I have finished the entire box of crackers and I am feeling a lot better lol 
I don’t know … I would say my suspicions were correct $

It is 8:26 PM and time to finish a cigarette.
It seems warmer than last night
But just once again, a gorgeous evening $

Started watching “Vikings Valhalla”
We’ll see how engaged it keeps me.
And how many notes I make on it after how many notes are already made on the original Viking series lol $

I say it all the time-
There is Something so nostalgic about watching dudes in the woods with axes 🪓 .. $$

Got a lot of work done today
I won’t lie tho I am stalling on publishing my recent reviews.
Not really sure why.
I think I’m just trying to publish it all at the same time.
So who the fuck knows when you’re going to be able to read this dear reader $

But that’s all part of the fun $$

If you’re crazy enough to read this much ,then maybe you’re my kind of crazy after all $$

Is 10:26 PM and I’m getting pretty fucking pissed.
Can’t sleep.
And I can tell my hormones are spiking and I’m aggressive as fuck.
I’m just simply making this note to hopefully make me feel better.
Cause I’m bout to go lay down again and probably toss & turn more
 I’m just really upset $

Classic bullshit bitchassness $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-22-26

422

It is 2:36 AM
I have been at the movies for about an hour now $

I’m sorry I am late
I’m not trying to be distant $

I was just trying to smoke some dank
I kind of forgot I was supposed to save the world $$

Perfect time for a cigarette $

“Hey kitty hey kitty hey kitty
I’m a friend
Hey kitty
…
Be safe
…
If there are any bitch ass coyotes out of here I’ll fuck you up.” $

Just saw an amazing kitty 🐈‍⬛ $

I’ve seen him before
Or she
Never that close to tell tho $

Don’t think it’s a stray
But it’s also the ass crack of the night and the cat is running the streets
Literally
So that’s concerning the nervous Nancy part of me $

I swear to God, 
I’ve been having a lot of really weird revelations recently
As if the mountains of other notes weren’t enough evidence lol
But it’s so weird to say…
I know I was a chick in past life .
I just keep trying to think about when it would’ve been.
And I truly deeply don’t think it was any time recent
I mean, it must’ve been at least 1000 years lol
I feel like the last time I would’ve been willing to do that would’ve been the Viking days.
But ever since then it was all exploration and sailing and politics probably $

Because that’s another weird part that’s coming out
I swear the older you get, the more memories you can download from previous existences.
I just think it requires a certain set & setting to trigger an almost a nostalgic type feeling of memory
And you can use that signal as a ladder to climb into an altered state of consciousness $

But if you spend all your time distracted by doing new age shit,
Then don’t expect to awaken ancient memories. $$

Cause as advanced as ancient civilizations were,
I do not believe they spent their time looking at their smart phone $$

But every time you go walk in the woods, I swear to God you both age and regress spiritually speaking $$

Lol, thanks for letting me share $

Imagine a motherfucker saying that shit in a meeting.
Cause I’ve heard a way way way worse… $

Way more “off the wall” $

And I’ll be honest, I never really got the brand slogan.
Talking about vans.
Until shit got really weird over the last year
And let’s just say good art can convince you that the walls can talk $

I also need to log a pretty big gain bowl
I got the extra large white eggs recently
And I’m convinced that they carry a couple extra calories $

The gain bowls to take a long time to digest
Mostly due to the fat rat ratio.
Which is calculated and intentional.
But sometimes difficult when it comes down to properly scheduling with training.
Because I am honestly & humbly too strong for my own good.
Meaning, 
every time I do conditioning training, I always end up using too much resistance and burning myself out recovery wise.
Nothing too crazy, but that’s the game I try to balance $

It is 2:44 AM & time to listen to politics and drift off the second sleep lol $

It is 8:38 AM and we are on the way to the gym
Pretty noteworthy energy and mood.
Feeling right as rain & ready to train
The caffeine hasn’t even kicked in yet.
Cold showers are getting easier as well $

It is 8:45 PM
After a long, stressful day, but productive day
I caved and bought more Oreos
Ate half of them by the time I got home lol
Part craving
Part reward
Part refuel $

I was getting pretty hungry
I wasn’t exactly craving though, and this was somewhat of a spontaneous emotional cave if you will $

But I’m about 1000 cal in and I’m already feeling better $

I’ve eaten enough eggs recent to satisfy any nutrient deficiencies for at least a day or two extra lol $

Bitchassness is when you reframe everything to be correct.
When you shape the narrative to fit your bias.
When you find an excuse to avoid going above and beyond. $$$***

It is 10:45 PM and I’m eating the last Oreo
I don’t know whether to be proud of myself or worried $

I will confess
I also have consumed an entire can of black beans in 24 hours.
This was not exactly intentional.
Today’s speed bowl was very heavy on the beans
And I think I’m about to set a personal best
Cuz boy am I bloated $

I mean, that’s part of the rationale for the rocket fuel ⛽️ $

Excluding the box of graham crackers yesterday,
I have been pretty exclusive on foods with a fuck load of fiber.
Not even intentionally intentional
I mean, I obviously chose those foods, but I didn’t choose them because of the fiber if that makes sense $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-23-26

423

POV 
It’s 3:14 AM
You’re already three hits of the dank deep
You’re already 13 episodes of the show deep
It’s been approximately five hours since you finished an entire boxbag of cookies
You just published over 300 exercise videos, and have written well over 100,000 words of emotional but honest gibberish
You feel incredible despite the many text messages from your family about you being a failure
You still have a bowl of eggs, a bowl of dank, half a cigarette to look forward to
And it’s leg day $

Life is good,
Life is grand $$

Kidding aside, though, I might not even need the eggs🥚 $

I’m not kidding, 
when I went to go type that last line suddenly the notepad started deleting everything I wrote.
bitchassness at it’s finest $

I was saying “create a reminder to the world to never trust a fat physician” $$$*

*Lighter flick $

I swear to God, there’s always some ethereal bullshit
It’s first trick is just making you forget that that’s possible so that way you just blame yourself 
or some material cause before you actually connect the pattern $

I’m feeling pretty aggressive. I’m not gonna lie.
I don’t want eggs so that’s a good sign that my fuel tank has been replenished.
Because if I was actually hungry, I’d be smashing that whole carton I promise $

I feel like eating an entire box of Oreos while claiming to give health advice is not the most “optimal“ …
but fuck it
I’m optimistic that you will see the secret $

Any generic ass trainer can get you all hyped up to go count your macros and grill your chicken, 
I want you to be able to have your cake and still be shredded $$$****

I want you to be shredded and to shred the streets,
Or the hills,
Or the waters,
Or generic commercial gyms $$$

I want you to be free
Free from fear,
Free from tyranny,
Free from bitchassness $$$*

I believe you are strong,
I believe you are capable,
I believe you have most likely been lied to and fucked over in ways that are hard to comprehend $$$

I also believe if you are like anyone else, you probably need to forgive yourself for some shit that I probably shouldn’t be reminding you about right now $$$

But hey..
I also believe we should say the quiet part out loud these days $$$

Thanks for letting me share lol $

Do you feel inspired? $

I hope $

Anyhow,
It’s pretty chilly out here
Pretty quiet too $

I’ve done done some kind of weird work at all hours of the day.
I might be about to go back to sleep at the moment, but there have been many days where I was just getting up for the full days of work $

There were many days where I was still hours away from clocking out $

There were many nights in which I had not shit else to do but loiter in the streets..
And parks…
And parking lots….
And cringey tender dates…. $

Don’t know why I thought i needed to note that just now but,
Just happy i don’t have to live that way anymore lol $

Just spotted a pretty big ass centipede
I mean this dude is like a fucking Behemoth (Idk how to spell the shit 💩 ) $

I let them be, but I hope he doesn’t force my dark side $

All right time to go listen to politics and go to sleep $

It is 9:14 AM
We are on the way to the gym
Been up for about an hour give or take $

It is 7:54 PM and it has been one hell of a day that is for sure
And by hell of a day, I mean, just a lot of busy work like normal
Juggling all kinds of shit
But it was beautiful
And although I have basically failed financially, once again, 
I am happy to admit my shortcomings and to say “fuck it” $

And on that note
I still got some candy and a new pack of smokes
And I still have four beers left over from a six pack that I got a couple weeks ago lol 😂 $

I am proud of myself for making a gram last over three days
That’s far more impressive than making a six pack last six weeks for me at least $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-24-26

424

Happy 12:21 AM $

I love it when I wake up from first sleep at a cool time. $

It wasn’t my intention to eat cookies and crackers for dinner for the past two days, but that’s just kind of how it happened $

And as of 1:06 AM, I have just eaten another sleeve of crackers
Mostly because It went so well after the first one $

You see,
Its shit like this as to why I have to keep notes
And then once I started keeping so many notes, I realized that I wasn’t crazy
I mean, I am, but I’m not the way I originally suspected $

Cause you’re not supposed to eat 1000 cal of rocket fuel and go to sleep and get some good quality sleep
And then wake up after three hours, ready for an entire day
Or to go right back to sleep and get more quality rest $

I’m supposed to be super anxious
Spiraling or some shit
And trust me, I know what that feels like biologically $

I’m also under tremendous stress
In many ways, it is a stress PR
Mostly how I’m handling it
I literally keep forgetting that I’m supposed to be more upset lol $

AnyWho, my point is-
If I did everything by the book, I would have not eaten those crackers and would’ve eaten some other “Whole Foods” which would probably have my intestines all backed up & shit by now (literally)
Leading to low energy..
Leading to angry muscle muscles…
Leading to a bullshit work out in the morning….
Leading to all kinds of downstream mental health consequences….. $

But by eating the crackers,
After eating a shit load of actual nutritious food,
I’m able to quickly refill these needy muscles,
Leading to improved mood..
Leading to more energy…
Leading to all kinds of amazing athletic opportunities…. $

Don’t get me wrong,
Half the time it does kind of backfire a little bit..
But to be able to literally smash rocket fuel and for it to be genuinely healthy 50% of the time…?
That is pretty amazing conversion by any one standards $*

And I also only think that I’m getting away with it because I genuinely have triggered them bitches
And I don’t know how for how long I’m gonna be able to get away with it $

For the reason why it works though is because I am so strict with everything else lol
And I’m basically running a deficit throughout the day $

But when I don’t train properly, I can tell that there is some spill over $

…
Time for a cigarette
Lol $

I swear this isn’t a Health website… $

I’m gonna go ahead and state for the record,
Which I believe I already have,
But I am averaging probably two cigarettes a day
So a pack every 10 days $

Real quick, I got a note about some rustling in the bushes
If I wasn’t so stoned, I might be startled
But If something happens to me… $

Lol, for real knock on wood 🪵 $

AnyWho, yeah I’m not really smoking that many cigarettes $

I’m proud of myself
By the grace of God, I am able to control the most potent poisons in all of suburbia 🏘️ 
Between nicotine,
Alcohol,
Caffeine,
Brief stent with amphetamines,
And benzodiazepines…,
And opiates…,
And seven hydroxy,
And kratom if we’re being precise,
….
And I think it’s fair to add cookies and crackers to the controlled substance category
All things considered $

I am not bragging, dear reader
I am intending to honor the steps 
and the ancients 
and the angels
And probably the aliens too, honestly $

Cause if you work the steps, even if you’re not an addict, you’d be surprised how much your life improves $$$

And if you are an addict, then well you kind of have no choice… $$

My one spicy take is
If you maintain long-term sobriety, then you really should consider psychedelics $$

Because it is a new day and age my friends
And there are a lot of clinical resources and spiritual resources to actually take them 12 steps to the next level $$$

Here’s a spicier take…
Perhaps we should dose people in rehab $$

I mean, I’m kidding, but I’m not
We’re already dosing the fuck out of them with all kinds of other terrible psychotropic medication’s.
And I would argue that people fresh off the streets have just got done doing some other shit way more harsh. A testament to their chemical resilience.
So honestly, 
if they have a bad trip, then I think that’s between them and the ancients $$

Metabolically though, I’m sure they’ll be fine lol $$

I’m just saying for a biological reset there is no better option.
& then again, I mean..
If you haven’t heard about how AA was founded…
Then I don’t know how to break it to you but…
it was thanks to psychedelics and the CIA $$

OK, but for real if you’re in the program, call your sponsor or some shit before you do anything $$$

And boom 
Now my hands are clean 🧼 $$

Anyone who says cannabis is not a medicine must be physically perfect because I swear to God this shit is healing every time $$$****

I am convinced that in this life, I am basically emotionally handicapped because in the past life, I probably had it a little too easy & ended up as an emotional dickhead $$

Seems like it was a lot easier to drink yourself into oblivion 75 years ago $$

It is 5:42 AM
Surprise surprise, we’re Doing a little wake and bake $

“Love after lockup” is one way to get your daily dose of gratitude
Especially for those who struggle to read out of some lame gratitude journal, 
or daily meditation book or something $$

You can just throw on some reality TV and watch it through the lens of good intentions
And boom 💥 
I promise you’ll be on the straight and narrow for a while $$

Kidding aside
Simply seeing the train wrecks that were most alcoholics on a daily basis is what probably helped keep me on a straight and narrow the most
Besides obviously God, lol… $$

It honestly probably sounds bad,
How many notes I have about this show,
And I’m certain most of them don’t make much sense unless you’ve seen it,
So kind of one of those sorry not sorry paragraphs,
I really don’t watch it much,
But Whenever I turn on the TV box, it just starts playing automatically.
Part of the propaganda it comes with DIRECTV I guess.
I don’t even have the actual service,
It’s just an old TV box.
That I ironically used to sell a lot of way back in the day lol…
But it just functions is like a fire stick basically,
I usually use it for YouTube and Netflix,
It wasn’t until a couple months ago that they actually added free TV 📺 
Because of the absurd amount of advertisements,
And once again, this is free daytime television.
I’m probably gonna be mad at myself for writing as long as a paragraph just for some dumb shit like this
Oh well $

(I ain’t even mad at it 🤷🏻‍♂️)

*Lighter flick $$

I definitely think I’m gonna end up finishing that box of crackers here within the next half hour $

I’m really not trying to promote dessert before bed
But I am saying that if you gotta do it,
Apparently, you can do it and be perfectly fine
Even thrive… $$

But two days in a row is a pretty big risk $

To be fair though, I’ve had at least a dozen of eggs between rocket fuel
So the nutrient boxes were checked ✅ $

I will be honest,
As if the rambles aren’t enough evidence,
But the buzz right now is truly top-of-the-line.
We’re talking maybe 4 hits and eighth of a tab
It just genuinely feels healing besides pleasant $

I was also thinking,
You really shouldn’t do some kind of substance every day unless there’s a very good reason.
But…
if you are going to do a substance daily, then it should be a substance that is balanced in both a work and relaxation manner.
For example,
Cannabis is a fantastic focus aid and sleep aid, depending on intention and dosing.
Same with kratom,
Same with most plants actually.
But you cannot do that with amphetamines..
Or opiates..
Or benzodiazepines.. $

(unless you are so far down the scale that you need them just to baseline function…
No judgment, I’m saying I’ve been there) $

Additionally,
There is a big difference between chemicals that replace your body’s functioning,
Versus 
those that just simply give your body more materials to utilize,
Versus 
those that just signal your body to do different things $

There are also many different herbal supplements that seem to have somewhat of a reverse tolerance
Or they function more appropriately once you develop a tolerance $

& that’s pretty common with most pharmaceuticals, 
needing to build up a tolerance or adjust to them, $$

But the scale of withdrawal is not even in the same galaxy $$***

Well, this is super fucked
It is 6:04 AM and I just stumbled upon an article about a former North Carolina police officer who was just arrested for nearly pulling off a mass shooting in New Orleans.
I mean this dude was a cop near Chapel Hill and surrounding areas for about 20 fucking years.
And of course, he had racial motivations..
Like what in the actual fuck man.
I can’t stand seeing my state and articles of people like this $

I am convinced that if people were able to wake up without alarm clocks for about three weeks,
Then most would need less sleep 🛌 $$

I am convinced that alarm clocks,
 by interrupting your natural sleep cycle,
basically leave your bodies recovery cycle all kinds of fucked up.
And by giving it a little bit of time to recover, you can improve your sleeping efficiency long term if you will $$

I have, of course, finished the crackers
I think I’m gonna try to get another little recovery nap in before I get to training and get to work $

It is 10:28 AM
I did miscalculate a bit
But ironically, it wasn’t the calories
It was more of my nervous system
I need the morning off because I am cooked,
In a good way.
Like I am in rested & in recovery mode.
I am also beginning my sun walk now
It is about 66° & clear skies,
In what is one of the worst droughts on record 
Following what was one of the worst winters on record Lol $

Motivation wise is pretty low though,
Partially due to physically being gassed,
Also, 
because the main reason why I want to go to the gym is for fun 
and without being able to do that, means I’m gonna be a little low in the emotional totem pole for a bit $

I know life is a game based on how much I get played by some bullshit every day $$$************

It is also 1:17 PM and I’m going on my third Sun walk of the day
Right when May arrives, this shirt comes off
Consider that a warning if you somehow live in my hood $$$

The fastest and most effective pain reliever is simply changing your perspective $$$***

Just don’t tell that to somebody who just stubbed their toe lol $$*

Sometimes all you can do is smile and wave when someone’s in the midst of their worst mistakes $$$*

The only true failure is never trying
Otherwise, it’s just practice $$$****

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-25-26

425

Holy smokes Batman
It is 12:40 AM
But I haven’t gone to sleep yet $

I have instead pulled out a heroic dash effort and I have scrounged up enough cash to keep my phone on lol $

I also caught back up on all of my edits and I’m almost done with the major edits on the games themselves $

So all in all, a true Hall of Fame work day $

I don’t know why I’m so bloated though lol $

I mean, it’s just gross
I didn’t train technically yesterday so that could be part of it $

I don’t know I guess those Oreos and those cookies didn’t get burnt as fast as I thought… $

Honestly, who the fuck knows
I haven’t really had much fiber in the past 24 hours so that’s kind of weird $

It’s weird that it’s already 1:28 AM
It feels like 9 PM or something like that
I’m gonna smoke part of a cigarette and then try to go to bed
I’m guessing I’m gonna be sleeping a little later $

It is 10:20 AM and we are pulling up to the gym $

I dashed so much yesterday that I recharged my car battery to the point to where now that bullshit auto start stop thing is working again
A little secret is whenever that auto engine thing stops working, It usually means your battery is getting somewhat low. $

You know you’re working hard when all you have for dinner is hope and electrolytes lol $$**

It is 7:27 PM
And an interesting evening I’ll say
And I am kind of being sarcastic, if I’m being honest
I have been watching “dances with wolves” for the past hour
Excluding the time it took to make the gain bowl I just ate just now
I am stepping out for my evening smoke $

*screen door slam

I chose the movie because,
Several reasons,
The biggest though is, I remember seeing the movie in rehab, but not actually being able to watch it
Like we found the old VHS tape in the big auditorium Day room
And this leads me to my second reason..
I really wanted to watch it back then because it was about the Civil War
Or at least closely related,
But it was rated R so they wouldn’t actually let us watch it lol $

But today kinda has those vibes,
Rehab vibes
But don’t be concerned, dear reader, 
I am actually better than ever overall $

It’s just one of those low-key chill and recovery days
And we’re actually getting a little tiny bit of rain
I mean, emphasis on tiny
But it is enough to change the vibe
And I am just happy to not be delivering pizzas at this moment
Or have a mountain of crushing edits on my plate 🍽️ $

We really are at the top of the pyramid finally
It’s kind of like the base camp before you summit Everest tho $

But sadly, most people die in the last bit
financially speaking… Lol $

I’m gonna have to do some catch-up columns
Because once I actually start marketing, the reading traffic is gonna likely go up a lot and there’s gonna be a lot of shit out of context $

So if you stumble upon this somehow someway,
Maybe go snoop around for another wall that actually gives a dedicated timeline
That way, I don’t seem like a complete crazy person $

Like in the bad way of course $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-26-26

426

Happy 12:29 AM $

I almost wish Alex smoked cigarettes so that way he could come outside with me $

And that would officially be the coolest site of all time
A cool cat with a kickback lien
Taking a long dramatic drag… $

It is time for a street sermon $

*Lighter flick $

It’s a little rainy still
Got more rain than I was expecting, but still not very much
Still enough to be grateful though $

I am still willing to debate that the midnight air mixed with the midnight nicotine is spiritually fulfilling
More so than actual sleep
But you gotta be metabolic primed for it $$

It’s kind of funny how the worst thing to happen to most people is simply to have their circadian rhythm disrupted by a couple degrees $$*

Delay somebody’s lunchtime and you get to see what kind of dragon they’re really dealing with behind closed doors $$****

Or Threaten the timeline of their next paycheck and you’ll see how they handle a little unexpected stress $$

Loneliness kills more than anything
Which is extra ironic when you consider you’re never actually alone $$***

They say cigarettes are poisonous
But I say nowhere near the scale as resentment.
And I assert every single recovery meaning that’s pretty much ever existed as evidence $$$*

They say it only takes two to have a meeting,
And I typically meet with me, myself, and I on a daily basis
Cough, cough, notepad, cough, cough $

They also say airport terminals have seen more sincere kisses than wedding chapels, 
And that hospital walls have heard more sincere prayers than church auditoriums $$

And to be honest, I’m not sure how those last lines are related
That’s just what comes to mind $

Ironically, I would also argue that the greatest fear these days is speaking your mind.
Often confused with “speaking your truth” $$

Those who prefer salt are always healthier than those who prefer sugar $$$****

Those who can handle salt are always better off than those chasing sugar $$$***

Skateboarding is an excellent example of when ADHD creativity is challenged with boredom $$

Only someone with ADHD would look at a plank of wood and see opportunity $$*

Happy 4:26 AM $

Skateboarding is extra unique because the whole goal is to be as cool as possible until you fail and eat shit $$$***

It is 5:01 AM
Just had an amazing gain bowl
It feels exactly the same outside as It does inside the house.
Just extra moist
It’s actually nice to see everything super wet $

Just saw an article about how some dude pulled out a shotgun and shot a security guard at the White House correspondence dinner..
Which may or may not have been in another assassination attempt…
I’m just sad because Oz Pearlman was real excited to be performing for Trump
Not for Trump’s sake, but because that was the biggest stage for Oz
And I imagine the evening did not go over as planned… $

Ironic that resentful atheists like Pretending shit never happened the most $$$****

Once you get under 10%, you’ll look bigger when you lose fat $$$

Ironic that good mobility is the biggest flex these days $$$

It is 3:29 PM on what is an amazing Sunday
Nice and overcast
Mostly peaceful
Time for a stogie $

I was able to complete a miracle Dash and potentially get enough gas and food money for the day $

A miracle dash is when you complete a pizza delivery with an unknown amount of miles left in the gas tank because it is so low $$

You see the game is like this,
You can get paid per delivery,
Or you can get paid per hour (like a chump),
You can withdraw your earnings once a day for a $1.99 fee,
Or you can have them direct deposit each week for no charge, 
but it takes a while.
Gas is obviously expensive as fuck right now,
And overall order demand is probably at a historic low based on how slow it is,
Also,
 competition is likely at an all-time high due to how fucked everything is $

Now the good news is,
I can get by, fuel and nutrient wise, on usually about $10 a day comfortably.
That includes cannabis and kratom and caffeine
Lol and eggs and rice 🍚 $

On a busy night I can probably average around $40 an hour,
The issue is there can be long gaps in between so it’s not always a consecutive flow $

It’s a lot like fishing
And you gotta know when they’re biting..
And where…
And how the elements factor in $

Ironically,
I truly know in my soul now that I would not have been able to write as much as I have of both programming and philosophy if I was still actively coaching.
(Which means not so broke and stressed but distracted) $

I do want to get back to it in the more traditional sense, 
if that is what the ancients have planned…
But I would gladly take another year to deliver pizzas if it meant getting the clarity that I have gained $

Not trying to imply blame on clientele or industry,
I just needed to fully be alone with myself to sort a lot of this crazy woo woo shit out $

I also feel like I should note for the record that I have not had any crackers in over 36 hours 
and I feel fantastic
I definitely cannot go do any mass monster bodybuilding workouts but that’s OK cause metabolically I feel better and I think it is time to get back to strength season $

It is 6:32 PM
Just smashed a great gain bowl
After fasting all day basically.
It is pretty remarkable how incredible I feel energy wise.
It lives up to the fasting hype.
Now I got to give myself a break before I start in condemning myself or not fasting earlier in the season lol $

I pretty much lived in a caloric deficit for four years so I needed a winter in which I flattened up a little bit $

And I don’t really intend to humble brag, but I am talking about going from 5% body fat to 9% body fat… 
So I mean, aesthetically I’m still in the promised land $

I don’t know why so many people worship the sun
There are a lot more suns than there are earths… $$*

It’s kind of funny how when I think of heaven, I just envision Skyrim $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-27-26

427

Happy 6:04 AM $

I will update later and catch up
I’m just forcing myself to make a note and start the new Day pad so I don’t develop bad habits lol $

It is 12:43 PM
Knock on wood
But we are in the midst of what may go down as a Hall of Fame efficiency morning $

Double knock on wood, cause I’m not quite done yet, but I wanted to make a note before I forgot again $

lol, today’s gonna look a little weird $

It is 1:27 PM
We did it
We somehow pulled off another miracle dash and we were able to get both candy money and food money
Probably fucked when it comes down to the power bill lol but we’ll see about that $

It took so long to dash up so little because of how slow it was and how little gas I had
I mean, literally I had to get orders along my route or else I’m not gonna have many routes $

But the biggest thing I have to note is just how good I feel overall energy wise
And I am fasted and have been since like 2 AM or something like that
And even that was just eggs, so protein and fat exclusively $

Now before I go rushing to crucify myself for not perfectly fasting or being basically keto all winter long,
I must remember that I only feel this good right now because of the long break I had from running on fats $

But it does reinforce what I’ve been saying the whole time,
That my natural base line is definitely more fat efficient than anything else
But..
Hypertrophy,
True hypertrophy doesn’t do so well with your oxidative pathways
And without the carbs, you literally will not be able to communicate as effectively $

Which sets the whole training cycle on a completely different lifestyle path $

Don’t get me wrong,
You can definitely still build a lot of muscle while being on a fat focused diet.
It just will be laughable compared to the amount of mass you will actually be able to gain if you go on a true Carb bulk $

I also need a note for the record that I have not had any seven hydroxy since I woke up at 5 AM
Sorry, technically 4: 59 AM $

Or cannabis since right before the gym $

I’m not bragging
But if my recent usage was too high, then I would’ve been a little antsy biologically & craving a little bit.
At least whenever I have been under the highest stress, I usually end up getting close to a gram and a half a day.
Once again, is laughable to some potheads
But it was triple my normal daily intake of about half a gram $

So I am pretty much stone cold sober & productivity wise I am in an all-time best.
Comparable to Adderall levels.
To be clear,
I’m not talking about “no tolerance Adderall”.
I’m talking about how you normally feel after the first couple doses have worn off and your now just medicated for daily life $

Also, I have had a shit load of electrolytes
And I did do a shortened leg strength workout
But even being in about a 1000 plus calorie deficit
I still took those 75 pound dumbbells for a ride on the split squats if you will $

It is 3:16 PM and we are on the way to the park for a Monday run $

It’s 3:21
And I can’t remember the last time I felt this good with this little 
Haven’t even gotten to the park yet lol $

One side says you shouldn’t work so hard,
The other side says you need to work more,
You know your balanced when they both are mad at you lol $$*

It is 7:26 PM and we’re finishing a cigarette. After an amazing day productivity wise.
And honestly, just in every way possible
I know I say it a lot,
But shit just gets better every day
Even if it’s fucked $

Not only do I feel good physically, but I feel extra grateful philosophically
Because by feeling better,
It confirms all of my theories over the past year and just how far down the scale I was essentially poisoned $

I’m gonna write an official story on it,
But if you’re just tuning in,
Four years ago, I discovered psychedelics and they saved my life from depression and anxiety and classic ADHD.
I then began a crazy ass journey that landed me in a relationship in which case I gas lit myself into needing Adderall to save it.
Homegirl bounced and I was basically destitute because I was also draining all of my savings and everything I had to work on all this crazy ass programming.
this, plus an unbelievable amount of current family illness, and trauma drama, left me in an incredibly difficult spot.
At one point, I was basically even starved lol
I mean, classic starving artist shit.
I was down in the 130s,
I couldn’t train for weeks, mostly due to mental health cause I could barely function consecutively for more than 30 minutes…
for three months almost..
But alas,
I kept writing and kept working and now physically better than ever with less than I’ve ever had.
Which just makes it so much greater and more meaningful $*******

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-28-26

428

Good morning world $

Is 1:41 AM
It is a peaceful night $

Just had a nice gain bowl 🥣 $

I was fairly hungry beforehand, but it was definitely not the Carb monster
And honestly, I would say that I’m in an honest 2 to 3000 cal deficit already since Sunday $

It’s note worthy though because it’s significant enough of a deficit to have triggered my metabolic switch and I am now feeling limitless,
I’ll admit tho i do still emotionally miss the crackers.
But physically, I do not need them as long as I do not do hypertrophy training $

But by my calculations,
I should probably have a week of feeling really good without needing to eat much- just based on the excess fat that I gained over the winter.
And it seems that this time of year I naturally dump the winter fat because I no longer need it for the cold $

This also fits well with switching programming fully to strength training for the season
I was wise enough to sprinkle in some good base strength sessions over the past couple months to where I should be able to pick back up pretty quickly $

But the biggest part of it all is just how I feel emotionally speaking
I finally feel “recovered“
I finally feel as if I am now back in the Green physically
Not at “all-time performance best”, but I could be in three months or so most likely $

But again part of what makes this win so meaningful is how little substance wise and supplement wise I’ve needed,
And food included in that matter…
Because I’ve learned that it is much easier to eat a pound of steak a day than it is 18 eggs
But that’s another tangent for another time $

The fact that my cannabis use is at an all-time low & Same with the seven hydroxy,
Haven’t had any actual plant powder in months on top of that.
Oh yeah, and my caffeine is probably half of what it has been over the past year and a third of what it has been historically $

My response to actual stress is a lot more balanced, and a lot more efficient
Meaning, whenever I actually have to do something I don’t want to do briefly,
Like talk to a stranger,
Not only is that easier again, 
but I get a bit of a dopamine boost afterwards, 
which is helping me rewire that part of my brain again $

Cause sadly over the past year, I’ve had to sacrifice anything social.
Part of me likes to blame the world for the lulz and the philosophy,
And because if you look at everyone’s behavior, most people deserve to be roasted…
But truly, 
I would repeat it again in a heartbeat, even if I didn’t have to rebuild everything from scratch $

Simply taking a year to be by myself and to reset on all my bullshit is worth more than anything $$$*

And I doubt I would ever be able to repeat it again, even if I wanted to
But I am more than excited to get back to helping people on a “massive” scale $

I’m used to coaching a dozen or so directly at any given time,
But also used to supporting hundreds indirectly $

So there is a part of me that cannot be fully realized until I go back and at least pick up some of those mental muscles again $

If fate has it that I end up becoming full-time “blogger”,
then I will appreciate the irony and the newfound free time that I’ve earned by slaving away for the past 14 years lol $

AnyWho, I guess I’m smoking a full cigarette this go round $

I guess that’s another good note,
Cause out of context, 
smoking cigarettes sounds bad.
Sounds like the worst possible thing you could do for your health.
Almost as bad as fast food and resentment $$

But…
I smoke a less than a pack a week.
Two cigarettes a day give or take..
Usually split in half or by the third $

I would argue that at least a fifth of whatever I’ve written over the past couple months I had a cigarette involved.
Just because it is such a good aesthetic Philosophically and emotionally speaking… $

But hey, it does look cool as fuck
I don’t care what anyone says. $$

(Deff cooler than sucking on a flash drive)

And I believe cigarettes are less addicting than vapes
So if you wanna take the point that it’s not a good influence,
 then I would just say that you don’t get out much $$$

But the spiritual smoke has been a part of our culture for so long that it would be foolish to try to abandon it now $$

And then also,
If you don’t think philosophy and cigarettes mix, 
then you clearly have not been to any recovery meetings $$

Or the “after hours church“ ⛪️ $$
 
some new age tech bros may argue the Neuro benefits of nicotine alone $

Cuz it does make you extra chatty
But once again, the ancients have known that forever $

I just like it as a break
And as a nice pleasurable minor buzz $

I would argue that if you have “clean, tobacco”, that is far safer from a cancer perspective than half these “cleanliness & hygiene products” $

So I’m happy to debate anybody that wants to talk philosophy about poisons,
They just better come with their degrees..
And they better not be from some bullshit ass institution $$$*

Real street knowledge is what will prevail.
If you don’t believe me, 
then you clearly haven’t read the book of Revelation $$*

And if you haven’t read the book of Revelation, 
then I honestly don’t blame you cause that shit sounds crazy as fuck unless you are crazy af $$

Side note
I was reading Genesis last night,
Read the whole book basically,
And I got to say…
that it basically made me angry because of how hard it was to understand $$

And if it’s not a code, then I really don’t know what it is. $$

Trust me, I’ve been fucking around with numbers and patterns and chapters and verses long enough to recognize when some shit is meant to be cut and pasted $$

Anyhow, it is 1:54 AM and time for second sleep $

It is 8:06 AM and we are on the way to the gym
And it is overcast and thundery 
And pretty chilly $

It is 12:26 PM
And I am leaving the lion now with two fresh boxes of Oreos…
Before you talk shit…..
My rationale is that I have fasted basically for two days.
(Obviously not the entire day I’m talking about both days were half calories basically)
And pretty much 1/3 of the amount of carbs that I’ve been consuming.
Today in many ways feels like a refuel day $

The fact that the double stuffed Oreos were on “buy one get one free” is evidence that this was Devine planning $$

It is now 1:10 PM and I feel like this is a runaway train.
I’m already basically halfway through the first box of cookies.
And I honestly feel like I’ll probably end up eating the whole thing within the next hour.
I’m doing the best I can at pacing myself, but these bitches are vaporizing the second they hit my mouth $

If I eat the entire box, we’re looking at around 1800 cal
Historically speaking, I would consume up to 1500 cal from mass gainer and or protein shakes usually after first training session or before MMA or the trail.
So it’s really not quite as extreme as it seems.
I am very satisfied with how good I felt the past two days.
But I was working basically nonstop
And the bitter truth is if I don’t take a day to refill and rest, 
then I will end up turning the bad kind of a corner and getting all “ADHD again” $

I’ve also kept my training on the strength side, which means low volume and heavyweight.
Which means that if I end up overshooting the fueling mark and I need to do some training, 
then I can get away with some hypertrophy $

And basically take a trip to pump city $

I did push strength this morning,
And while I could probably do some push hyp trophy after all these cookies,
I might end up doing some striking or maybe even Pull something or other $

But then again, 
I did something like this not too terribly long ago,
and I ended up going to take a nap lol
Cause at the time I was so beat $

It actually might’ve been last week…? $

I will confess that I can’t sit still as I record all of this
But I actually think that’s from the gain bowl that I ate right when I got home.
I don’t think the first round of cookies has even kicked in yet $

Now I also could go on a long walk $

Surprisingly
My ultra shoes that I bought four years ago,
That I retired two years ago because they were so beat,
Are actually not as beat as I originally thought lol $

As long as I wear double socks 🧦 $$

Lol it’s 131 and I’m getting a little sleepy
That is actually a good thing
It’s the perfect day for an afternoon carb coma $

… $

I just can’t stop eating 
 and no, I don’t think it’s the actual sugar… $

It is 1:45 PM and I have done it.
I’ve eaten the entire box.
That is a new personal record.
I really wasn’t trying.
That might sound like I’m bragging, but I’m honestly just shocked.
And pretty nervous…
It’s gonna take a couple hours to really find out $

I think I ate that entire thing within an hour
I can’t see how there’s any way I don’t end up at the gym
I’m hoping it starts off with a coma tho $

Oh well, wish me luck 🍀 $

It is 4:20 PM
And it ended up turning into a nice little nap on the floor.
And I am still pretty beat and not really motivated to do anything physical.
I don’t think everything is fully digested yet so that could change.
And I’m also lower on my afternoon tea tha normal, so caffeine is a little limited
But I think I’m mostly in recovery mode because of the strength sessions $

It is 6:28 PM
I am fighting a wave of a bitch ass ness
This isn’t really metabolic
I’m just bored and burnt out
And circumstances are challenging me to take a break from all the creative work so I don’t start shitting on it.
But I can’t really go train cause I really don’t want to,
In the burnt out since.
I could force it like I always do but That’s not the point.
I really don’t wanna watch more TV or podcasts or spend any more time on the damn computer and phone.
there really are no other alternatives…
I’m trying to manage the dash so I can get enough food money and gas money for tomorrow, but I really can’t afford the gas to go to the park right now.
And the thought of walking around the neighborhood just makes me want to die lol $

It is note worthy though how little cannabis and seven hydroxy I’ve taken.
I’ve been pacing under half a gram and 15 mg for the past couple days which is pretty cool $

I will say I am not hungry whatsoever
I do not crave anymore
If I was to eat soon, I actually would prefer something salty and savory
Cough, cough, eggs, cough, cough $

Point being that even though the cookies were getting a little crazy, 
they did hit the spot seemingly so 
and surprisingly I am not as restless or anxious or anything of the sort.
And knock on wood, but digestion has been as smooth as can be as well $

Which is another reason why I opt for the high octane fuel when I can
As it does typically digest the simplest $$

Double knock on wood because I’ve gotten that wrong before lol $

If you have to hold your head down low, then just say you’re stretching your neck $$$*

…
..
.
It is 7:46 PM
And I’ve eaten another third of a box of cookies $

I’m really not trying to be funny
I genuinely bought them because I wanted the cookies
I had no intention on eating this much this fast
Especially after how yesterday i was going on and on about how “I’m not eating and how good I felt” $

I will make it clear for the record that I felt low energy before I started eating the cookies and I do believe that was still a “proper” fueling signal $

I really didn’t intend on eating 2000 cal of them for dinner though lol $$

But if I survive this,
Then tomorrow mornings’ work out will be top-of-the-line $$

And if it backfires, then I will gladly note about it and I’m sure that’ll be interesting to read $

So it is a win-win $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-29-26

429

Happy 12:27 AM $

Forgive me for Just getting right to it
Or back to it
Because this whole Cookie business is truly unexpected $

At this point, I’m forced to believe that the Bogo Oreos were a spiritual challenge $

Triple knock on wood,
I am now 1.6 boxes deep,
In about 12 hours,
Which has been my only calories during this time lol $

This was after two days of perfection,
And probably thousand calorie deficits both days on the conservative count $

I’m just too afraid to jinx it,
Or to actually be too much of a “bad influence”,
But it’s going a lot better than expected… $

If I pull this off,
And I finish all these cookies before the gym,
And if I have a fantastic workout,
(one that would’ve been un achievable otherwise)
Then that will be some true alchemy $

That’s 3600 cal for less than $3.60
I mean
That’s pretty damn good $

Even though I’m talking mostly strength and hypertrophy fueling,
There is a metabolic methodology to the madness.
Because on the other side of the training spectrum,
You have let’s say backpacking.
Which is long periods of burn followed by very short condensed periods of refueling,
And your ability to crush rocket fuel is really the secret $$

Ironically,
Bodybuilders eat a bunch of poison, usually in smaller meals throughout the day.
While Backpackers usually have to binge it,
Comparatively speaking,
 because snacking is a small source compared to that campfire cookout $$

So metabolically,
Being able to rapidly reuptake a few thousand calories is a secret skill $$

Not to mention to be able to eat that much and not just store it as fat immediately or become prediabetic.. $

One benefit of basically allowing the carb monster to run rampant for a day is it really does get it out of your system.
I mean, this is obviously the classic “cheat day“ $

I just I’m not a big proponent of being so structured that you have to have it restricted to a day on your calendar 📅 $

I prefer it to naturally pop up as a result of intense training
Sometimes once a week,
Sometimes three,
Sometimes once every three weeks,
Just kind of depends $

If your drug of choice is attention then you’re not an addict, you’re an artist $$**

As a nation, we are facing a big threat.
And an ancient threat.
Something that is close to tearing apart the fabric society.
I’m talking about a course the hideous disease of a bitchassNess $$$

Truthfully, We’ve all been victims & We’ve all been perpetrators of these heinous crimes. $$$

Like Getting mad at the server who’s doing their best but is still too busy and forgets your fries and shit like that $

Beef isn’t the only thing that is best when fueled by grass
 if you know what I’m saying $$

Cats are the best because they’re always perfectly Lap shaped $$

“If I can’t have it, then nobody can”
This is classic bitchassness $$$****

Also-
“What’s in it for me?”
“Ok, but you first”
“I don’t wanna”
“What do you want me to do about it?” $$$***

Reminding myself that all CIA superheroes usually start out of some kind of weird delivery guy.. $$

Imagine the greatest scientific revelation of all time just being some shit that people have known forever $$****

It is 7:39 PM
Sunset
And a beautiful one it is
As always, of course
The birds seem happy this evening
That’s always nice
Little happier than normal actually
Or maybe my head has just fallen enough out of my ass that I can notice it.
Because today has been another Hall of Fame productivity day
If you were to go by creative energy, efficiency that it is
I didn’t get the most quantity done, but what I did get done, did not completely cost me every bit of energy that I had emotionally speaking 
so that is about the best thing you could ever ask for lol $

I’m trying to go to bed on the earlier side
I still feel pretty beat from training
More than I would’ve expected, if I’m being honest
But I’m also happy with my strength without even really trying
Even though that is kind of the issue every time I do conditioning lol $

It is 9:31 PM and I have had a nice little nap until I was woken by the thunder
And it sounded like some shit falling honestly,
 knock on wood $

Actually… 
That’s what I’m hoping to avoid lol 
but I don’t wanna jinx myself so now I don’t know what to say $

Other than time to smoke some weed he he 😈 $

“House of cards” might have the worst intro theme song of all time $$

It’s pretty crazy how refreshed I feel after a two hour nap 
I mean, I swear to God if you wiped my memory, I would think I had a full days sleep $

It’s funny how sometimes when you can “see it“, it really means that you can finally “feel it“ $

I also must admit
If I didn’t get sidetracked by the streets,
I definitely would’ve been one of those dudes doing Civil War reenactments lol $$

OK, time to get serious..
Diet wise, that is,
I was much better today.
I noted earlier how I finished those cookies after the gym, 
which was a very light 90° isometric pull session,
And I didn’t have anything else until I had some of mom’s chili before my nap.
Which was fairly light on the beef I’m keeping it honest…
And I threw some rice in that bitch.
And I just had another game bowl
This time with just eggs and rice and butter.
So much better “cleanliness” wise
I could tell the cookies made it to the rightful destination, even though my central nervous system was still a little fried.
And come evening time I was back at breakeven and dipping into a deficit.
all in all it felt like I was running on fats throughout the day 
cognitively at least
And that the sugar from all those cookies went directly to refilling the muscles.
And again, I’m really not trying to brag or pretend this is like a stunt.
If anything I feel like I just got away with murder..
That is eating 3600 cal worth of cookies in 24 hours and not getting anxious
But…
Dare I say it?
…
..
.
I’ve trained for this $

*Cigarette flick $

I do kind of wanna brag though
Because I continue to improve metabolically 
And my seven hydroxy usage is decreasing so that my tolerance is in a perfect sweet spot
As I say often,
I microdose 10 mg seven hydroxy tablets instead of going back to the Kratom capsules
But now that I’ve done it for several months, my tolerance is very low so even an eighth of a tablet is delightful
Especially if you lay down and you don’t do anything, lol $

It’s notably more pleasant than even low-dose capsules
The issue though is that with capsules, it’s hard to maintain that low of tolerance $

Because even though it makes you feel like a druggie each time you go to cut a tablet with a razor blade on a space plate,
It is also more scientific, if you will, because each milligram is accounted for.
And I could argue that that is more medically sound than just taking handles of plant powder throughout the day $

The nervous Nancy in me though has Got a note for the record…
Mostly as a disclaimer that if you’re not familiar with that substance and you have not tried it, that you need to be very cautious because it can be very habit forming $$$

Mostly because of the tolerance and dosing and all that game that these companies are playing so you do have to proceed with high caution ⚠️ $$$

And I don’t know…
 maybe take a lot of notes for accountability purposes… $$$

But if you can handle your poison,
I would also argue that it is safer than alcohol.
cheaper and more effective than caffeine,
And has a host of benefits $

I really only promote substances that can be used in either direction,
Either as a work aid or as a relaxation tool $

I’ll gladly experiment with other substances, though under the right circumstances lol $

So if you do the math, it usually cost me about $.41 per dose
And again that’s comparable to a cup of coffee, strength wise
Or “intoxication wise“ 
because it’s not really $

But I would rather pay $.41,
Lay down and listen to something meaningful,
Then pay $15 a month for Tinder gold and try to make it to the swiping Hall of Fame lol $$$*