$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-2-26

42

Happy 1:23 AM $

You might not believe this, 
but it is another pretty magical day $

I would argue that today is an awful lot like the 420 of days
Or at least between now and April 20, of course $

I say,
Always work twice as hard for twice the treats whenever you can $$$

It’s a win-win
Because you get to work double,
You get an extra excuse to look forward to work,
You get an extra treat,
You get to look forward to getting an extra treat,
And if you do it for long enough, 
youll condition your subconscious to enjoy work and recovery without it even feeling like work $$

It is 1:56 AM and I would destroy some crackers right now if I had them
At first, I thought it was just a emotional boredom craving
But I can tell I’m actually gonna need some carbs because I’m getting a little restless and I’m starting to crave rice..
I keep forgetting it’s supposed to be legs in a few… $

Loggin some rice and beans at 2:13 AM
Dude, I swear to God this shit is so dank
And it’s not because my reference range has become so limited
I’m telling you for something so simple this shit is restaurant status
And better because half the time when you go to a restaurant, you’re gonna get some kind of shit quality $
 
Get a rice cooker
(a machine, not an oriental)
I recommend jasmine rice, but take your pic
Get a can of seasoned black beans
Get butter
And if you wish, add protein
Which just about anything will do well but I recommend the classics such as beef or chicken
You can add salsa or whatever vegetables that you want
And it comes out to being less than three dollars per meal just about
Checks all of the boxes, nutrition wise
Super convenient
And if you restrict yourself to only that you’ll find it easy to avoid unnecessary hunger cravings, while indulging on proper nutritional signals $

I’m gonna go hang out with the moon for a few
Apparently, there’s a squad of astronauts on the way to it at the moment
I had to laugh when I heard that the mission has the same name as my first ex-girlfriend..
From four years ago, that is
Right when I joined this mysterious school it seems….. $

It is 8:55 AM and we’re getting up to do some mobility and get ready for the first powerlifting session of the year $

Or something like that $

I’ve seen a lot of atheists recover in a program that requires you to believe in a power greater than yourself,
Without having to submit to a Jesus,
That it Kind of makes you think,
Kind of like how the placebo effect works just as well as most medication’s…
Maybe the action is more important than the understanding $$

Referencing the Bible to a non-Christian is the quickest way to weaken your credibility $$$****

That’s like an atheist referencing Charles Darwin’s “origin of species“ $$$

It’s just poor technique
Save it for those who are already on your side of the fence $$$

The right questions are worth more than the right answers $$

You’ll always be ready for the next step as cliché and as lame as that sounds $$

It is 10:37 AM and we are leaving the trail after a nice little walk
My old running shoes seem to be holding up the most part
But I probably will need to go with double socks as my feet are burning lol $

In the war on drugs,
You can say I was you’re fatally wounded when stuck deep behind enemy lines last year $$

I’ve got to log another Hall of Fame grocery hall,
We got-
Two boxes of cinnamon graham crackers
Two packs of salmon lick treats
18 Count of large white eggs.
And a six pack of bottled Bud Light lol $

This is right after doing a dash in which I got a little dicked down, but nothing major $

The secret exercise is that it is always emotional $$

Once you become so skilled at something, then the game becomes about hiding your skill $$

Those who are Evil are just those who are too impatient to make it through the building process $$

Following rules just because you’re afraid of breaking them isn’t true integrity
It’s just a different form of bitch ass $$$****

Things I need to research-
Major movement types
Hypertrophy
power production
Maximum fat efficiency 
Genetic variations?
Secret recipes $

Quantum physics is what artists call magic
Magic is what atheists call quantum physics $$

Better to be than to try to be $$

It is 8:09 PM and we’re stepping out for part of a cigarette $

What an amazing day
Had a great but light strength session in the morning
And a great butt light leg hypertrophy session in the evening hehe $

Been getting a lot of work done, but it’s all been the super fine details and getting ready for filming
Hopefully tomorrow and Saturday $

Once again, though the structure & the format and the function are working better than I ever thought
And the math is mathing very well $

It is 8:31 PM and we’re gonna go ahead and try to go to first sleep
I am kind of behind on my daily edits I won’t lie. $

It is 11:09 PM
And that was a interesting on again off again little sleep
I’m just happy with myself that I predicted the exact time I woke up without checking the clock. $

But we’re getting to the movies a little early tonight
And we have a really good one on deck
“Bohemian Rhapsody“ $

Random thoughts about how you don’t get to the school of magic until after you graduate the school of art 🖼️ $$

I am such a strange spirit
Why do I view doc dramas like this competitively? $

And how come I do the same with everything relating to the military? $

It’s 11:54 PM and we’re gonna step out for a little bit of a cigarette after a third of the way through the movie
It’s nice to be able to focus on something again
Just all around improvement from a couple months ago $

It’s perfect outside at about 65°
Clear skies slightly windy $

I think I’m finally down to the last day of the ounce that I bought a month ago.
Smoking has been so minor and mostly an afterthought during breaks that I keep forgetting to note much about it,
But the average is out to be a little under a gram a day
Which has been my historical average for the past 4+ years now lol $

Take that addiction $

But I’m just most happy that I don’t even really think about it
Compared to when I was really in this shit, I would be going basically every 90 minutes to 3 hours with something small just to take the edge off all the crazy anxiety.
Usage still was pretty low, It may be a gram and a half a day.
But behaviorally, I was more dependent on it, especially withdrawing from everything.
If I wasn’t craving it physically, I was definitely leaning on it $

As I knew I was
As the many notes I took will attest $

My point being when you’re going through the shit you gotta make do with what you got access to $$

And with the right motives & the right technique, you can get through just about anything
And you can alchemize pretty much any kind of poison ☠️ $$

But to be clear, cannabis is definitely not a poison
But probably the antidote to most of it
Especially anything energetic or ethereal $$

Demons have a hard time fucking with an optimistic pothead $$***

This is a perfect time to make that second big ass pork loin $

I had forgotten all about it until now
What a victory ✌🏻 $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-3-26

43

Happy 12:01 AM from the flipside $

*pins Snuggie $

I even got the magic cape on now $

is 1 AM and we’re stepping out for cigarette part two $

That loin was amazing
I ate half
At least 10 ounces of pretty much straight protein and fat $

I think pork gets a bad rep
I get the pig seems gross and all
But that animal is truly magnificent $$

Super smart
Eats whatever
Taste delicious almost always $$

I mean, you can start civilizations on that shit
And end it if you don’t take care of them and get some kind of bad virus or bacteria… 
Lol, knock on wood 🪵 $$

The movie has been pretty good too
Not quite as good as I expected, but decent $

I do wish I had some blueberries and syrup
That is probably the most expensive snack
And I intend to re-up as soon as I can pay my car bill lol.. $

It is 1:35 AM and we are getting towards the end of the movie and I gotta say that I am not sleepy at all $

So you know what that means… $

*Razor slice $

Tis time for another quarter tablet
And a miniature smoke off $

I’m also eating some crackers, but that should not surprise anyone $

There’s a little birdie whispering in my ear
“Death is only for the non-creatives“ $$

That’s interesting $

Seeing Dennis from “it’s always sunny in Philadelphia“ in this movie is making me miss the Friday night Bojangles binges with the boys 😞 $

few things better than a good kickback after a long week of working at McDonald’s $$

I think the crackers actually helped a good bit, but it’s time for bed $

But first I have to finish the cigarette $

I’m not really complaining, but the buzz from the tablet is very weak
Mostly noting for accountability purposes $

It is 2:11 AM $

Is 8:15 AM and I don’t remember where that last line was supposed to go
But the sleep has been great
And we are getting up and getting ready $

It is now 8:51 AM and by getting ready I mean, 
continuing to sleep on the floor..
This is good evidence actually,
Because normally at this time I’d be itching to get to the gym, kind of regardless of what I was gonna do.
But right now, 
I don’t wanna go at all
Not in the bitchy resistance,
But in the true like I am pretty Crisp way $

So I think I’m gonna try to delay going for as long as I can $

Which may or may not change within the next 30 minutes $

I’m gonna try to take the morning off and focus on the other kind of work $

But I’m gonna go on a sun walk now, even though it is cloudy
But it is important to note that it smells like rain 
and today is one of the first days that the Green has pretty much come back overwhelmingly $

The trees and everything are at least a third of the way bloomed $

Very chill vibes today so far
Very chill $

Makes sense considering it’s good Friday
And I can think of no better time to be wrapping up all of this shit from the winter $

Lol it is 9:25 AM and I have finished my cold shower and changed out and I’m getting ready to go to the gym $

I think a good rule of thumb,
If you start moving around a bit and you start to feel better within about 15 minutes,
Like more energy and all of that,
Then that is a good sign that you were probably in recovery mode and just needed a little time to transition back into work mode $$

But if you start moving around, and you just start feeling worse,
Whether there be physically or emotionally, and that is a really good sign that you are starting to create the wrong kind of deficit $$

Here’s a warning, though, for those actually beginning to dip into real deficits-
For pretty much three months, 
you’re just gonna have to push forward anyway.
So what I’m saying is really geared to those who have gone through it and whose body actually knows how to burn extra waste $$$

There’s only one way to teach your body how to burn shit it doesn’t need… $$

People drop a lil fat then suddenly think they can wear whatever they want $$*

You better have a damn good reason for loading 3 plates on the smith $$$$$$$*****

Never under estimate the crowds at planet on A holiday lol $$**

Never trust anyone lifting in cargo shorts
{unironically} $$$$$$$

Gotta keep it real
Thought the whole 90 min delay with caffeine was mostly hyp..
lol might have been wrong about that one my whole life 😂 $$

lol I ended up going mostly “heavy” 😂😂 $

Just thinking about the fact that if you would’ve given me an opportunity to tap out over the past year,
that I probably would’ve taken it $$

Each and every time that I was going through th3 shit,
I was optimistic and hopeful at best,
All the while borderline pissing myself lol
That is the only way to get to the other side though $$

If you don’t think you can’t get high off doing the right thing then you haven’t met any evangelicals $$

Most of the time people do not actually want to be helpful. 
They just want an opportunity to be right about something. $$*

Just wanting to wish everybody a happy 12:31 PM $$$

Getting a lot of work done this morning
We are now focusing on recharging for the afternoon filming session $

The one sneaky benefit of having an anxiety disorder is that it turns everything new thing into zone five plyometrics $$^*

Comedy is just unexpected symbolism $$

Kinda nice that I’ve shake in two new hands today
A*** from the gym
E**** from the Neighborhood $

It is 9:29 PM and after a lot of editing, we are stepping out for part of a cigarette
And to finish this beer $

I think I got the technique down finally
If I have a beer at the end of the day, but right before dinner,
Then a single beer gives me a pretty delightful buzz for nearly an hour $

But I pretty much abandoned the second one because I’ll end up wasting it.
Because the second I start eating, I’m gonna instantly metabolize the first one and then suddenly need to start drinking a bunch to get a minor buzz going on $

And I say fuck that shit
I just don’t want the fluids & to be all sloshy $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-4-26

44

Good morning world $

It is 2:01 AM
And you might not believe me, but
Is another magical day $

*Lighter flick $

We’re watching “Your Honor” $

If you like seeing Brian Cranston get in his own way, then you’ll like it $$$

I can’t say much without ruining it
But it is a good example of what not to do when your kid accidentally kills the mob bosses kid $

The two types of stories are-
When you wanna find out what happens,
Or when you want to find out how it happens $$

The Bible makes a lot more sense when you remember that the writers understood that the large majority of the population wants nothing more than an excuse for something else to do the work for them,
While the other portion was gonna be so skeptical and so hardheaded to believe anything without an unreasonable amount of evidence that they were gonna act a fool for a long time before they get tired of self-inflicted suffering $$**

It is 3:27 AM and time for another half cigarette
Just had another amazing gain bowl
Just beef beans, butter rice
Interesting because I wasn’t very hungry beforehand
I had to do some negotiating
But once I started eating, I pretty much inhaled it
And I would say it was on the medium size, but I probably could’ve had a large $

So who knows
 I might end up finishing off those crackers here in a few, if I don’t fall asleep first $

Sleep was a solid five hours. It seems.
Kind of like old times to when I was out like a light pretty much the whole time.
Much deep sleep, but I do recall a couple weird dreams, of course $

I never really remember the specifics of my dreams
And usually, I would say most of my sleep is spent in deep sleep $

Cannabis limits rem sleep to a certain degree
But I would also argue that your body will simply adapt it eventually $

I also would argue that psychedelics have the potential of basically putting your brain and a rem type state while awake.
I’m not arguing that it helps you recover in real time as fast asleep,
I’m saying that it offers the same type of potential benefits of rewiring and allowing new connections to form $

Makes sense, considering if your trip too hard, you’re basically in a dream like state $

It is 5 PM $

I will update the record later on how the day is going because it is a great one as always $

Just some thoughts- $

Those who want to justify weakness are the most dangerous $$

Only those who cannot take care of themselves instill institutions to normalize it
Cough, cough, HR cough cough 😷 $$

Oh boy
It is 8:47 PM
It has been an amazing amazingly productive day
Nothing to stand out special
Other than just doing a bunch of the science work and edits and all of that $

Did a few dashes, but not as strong of a Saturday as I’d hoped
I honestly have no idea how the bills are going to shake out
And knock on wood…
But with a few strong couple days, then I should be able to prevent my car from at least getting repossessed again $

We are stepping out for a cigarette and a beer
You know, the generic poisons $

Technically, though they are natural
And quite an ancient
Thereby proving not only their value, but they’re harm provided moderation is exercised $

It’s starting to drizzle on and off now
I mean, literally not philosophically $

And I gotta say
I can tell I’m getting even more emotional momentum the more work I complete 
and the more time passes that I’ve been able to restore myself physically
And the seasonality, of course helps $

Because as hard as I’m working, I still can’t take that much credit for things
Compared to the bigger sphere obviously and considering how it’s Easter weekend so I’m not surprised I’m getting a lot of the final puzzle pieces. 🧩 $

And I’m telling you, there’s no better high in all of existence than “being right” $$

Being right automatically implies control.
Almost always brings with it power.
It can be positive and negative therefore confusing without proper context $$

There is a healthy need for it
And there’s an ego childish want for it $$

Money is just the most prevalent material version
As close as it gets to being right in a substance $$

But it really means nothing to someone who doesn’t give it power over them $$

I am noticing a lot of lights in the sky that are most likely planes and stars, 
but it does seem a little suspicious.. $

It is 9:50 PM and we’re gonna go ahead and try to go to first sleep
Had a pretty good gain bowl not long ago
And just that cigarette $

It is 11:58 PM
Looks like we are rebounding just enough time to bring in the new day $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-5-26

45

Yay, we did it $

Happy Easter everyone $$$

I love when we celebrate necromancy $$

Everybody knows the Jesus smoked that danky dank $$

In honor of the Jesus, 
I have secured a special gram of purple haze-
33% “hybrid” of course $$

*Lighter flick $

And I gotta say,
it tastes delicious $

I would also like to honor Jesus and make $333 today lol 
that would be a pretty cool way too huh? $

The comfy chair doesn’t stay comfy for very long if it’s the only chair you sit in $$**

The ground is always a bad thing if you avoid it $$

We’re watching “Your Honor” $

Interesting Line
“There are some truths that are worth lying for” $

I mean, I get the point
I just think that logic gets real carried away real quick $

I prefer to think of it like a joke,
Framing matters the most,
And you don’t give out the punch line too early $$

And it is not a lie if it is symbolic $$

Also random but needs to be sad,
It doesn’t happen all the time, 
but it’s concerning how many times I’ve delivered food & a very small child came to the door first.
I mean, like less than five years old small $

Or how many kids just kind of linger around $

(Cuz of how may dashers are straight creeps)

More evidence of reincarnation is whenever I say some shit like that out-of-pocket.
That’s clearly the old man in me $$

It is 1:02 AM and we’re stepping out for part of a cigarette $

I am debating whether or not to eat another gain bowl with eggs
Truthfully, 
it is all I have left until the beef I have finishes thawing.
Which probably is gonna take another eight hours or so $

I gotta stop picking my nose so much
I’m not ashamed of it
I don’t do it around my people really $

Driving is honestly the best time to do it
Don’t know why $$

I honestly can feel some energy from my last gain bowl is starting to kick in $

I can tell a part of my body is already in the future preparing for the day where I’m doing 24 hour marathons again $

This is a good thing though because if I had crackers, I’d probably eat it even though I don’t need the fuel
Same with the berry cereal $

But that just means it’s basically PB&J season again
And those get pricey, but man, are they worth it $

I guess I gotta get back into the oatmeal too $

It’ll be interesting to compare those carbs versus the rice $

I say it’s better to add butter to white rice to lessen the carbs impact ,
than it is to get all crazy with the brown rice thinking fiber is gonna do it for you $$

Most people just end up gassy with an upset stomach before they end up with a better biome $$

It is 2:30 AM
Kind of a weird series of events,
After debating what to do about the food situation for a bit, I decided to make a triple electrolyte drink to see if that would take the edge off.
Even though I wasn’t really that hungry.
Kind of hard to explain.
I wanted to see if it would give me a proactive jump on any carb cravings. $

And fast forwarding I just ate a bowl of six eggs lol…
It was weird
The electrolytes didn’t take the hunger away, but did give me good mental clarity and “clean” energy
Like I’m not jittery or caffeinated or anything of the sort,
But I was still kind of hungry, 
but I was definitely less concerned about carbs,
And so the decision was made to eat only eggs
Scrambled, of course
And I gotta say, I think it hit the spot $

My theory is that
Three out of four seasons, my body actually shifts to a very heavily fat focused oxidative based rhythm.
And eating during the day is actually really hard to do.
If I’m really in burn mode.
But that also means I’m not really gonna be building new muscle tissue, 
but will be making performance gains instead $

Just noting the wind at 2:34 AM
And the loaf flying plane
Loud ass plane… $

I’m finishing a cigarette
And I’ve consumed probably 3/4 of a tablet in the past 2 1/2 hours $

Which is on the high end I’m not gonna lie
Basically did three separate servings of 1/4 $

And the buzz is buzzing. I just have a lot of energy.
Like I’m quite tempted just to keep working
But I’m just worried that I’ll get intellectually burnt out $

Now the case could be made that I really am at the part where it’s kind of like to takeoff
Because all I’m doing is just a shit load of edits and long-term planning to navigate this plane once it takes off $

I do have to do a lot of filming
But I’m excited for that
Not so much the editing and uploading afterwards lol $

It is 9:26 AM
Pretty groggy this morning
Pretty much exactly what I was saying the other day as far as maybe I should just take a rest day & blah blah blah
So we’ll see how long that lasts $

But I haven’t had really any carbs in like 12 hours or so I don’t think I’ll have an unexpected energy rush anytime soon $

It’s a bit drizzly and overcast, which really helps the vibes $

I’m gonna go on a “sun walk“ now but I’m leaving my phone $

Yeah, well it’s now 945 and I’m just making an educated guess that I’ll end up going to the gym soon $

Mostly because of triggering text messages from my mom.. $

If it’s not something along the lines of threatening to kick me out, then it’s something tedious about getting paperwork together to “save money“ $

So now I am basically having a functional panic attack again 🤦‍♂️ $

Kind of like how yesterday out of the blue my ex-girlfriend just decided to text me asking for the
 “Airbnb pin code so they could remove my number from the account“.
She made sure to mention that she’s planning a trip for her sister‘s wedding $

If we are being honest,
Exercising for physical reasons is about the biggest joke there is.
That is because there is always a bigger deeper meaning behind the physical.
And most people who actually show up to train for years on end, 
got the physical benefits after three months so what would possess somebody to continue to show up?
(Besides vanity or competitiveness?) $$**

Because my experience has shown me that those who run the most on the treadmill, generally run the most emotionally
(or is aware of this and are training to not do it so much lol) $$**

We got the Céline Dion bumping
We got a passenger seat full of “touchdown wings”
And a nice mid afternoon Sunday drive through the old stomping grounds
Life is good $

Kind of funny how the cigarette is a better air freshener after delivering DoorDash than having all this fucking chicken wing scent in the car $$

Better to smell like smoke than fruit I always say $$$****

I love how most of the lore about Giants, has them pale with red hair $$

Same with the “tall whites“ $$

It is 8:22 PM and we are posted up near the Publix and Marco’s Pizza in between dashes
Smoking a cig
Same parking lot where some people were murdered no longer ago,
and some dude tried to pull an actual jihad,
And the Penn station next-door caught on fire a couple months ago too $

It is 9:58 PM
On what maybe another personal best on productivity $

I’m objectively better in every single area
All at the same time
If the past year was isolation training, 
and if I’m finally putting it all together, 
then it is clicking on a whole different level $

The writing and editing that I completed in an hour would’ve taken me nearly a week beforehand
I’m exaggerating, but I’m talking about getting the preciseness down.
Because for the longest time it was like trying to scratch an invisible itch.
Where as the most of it is just garbage and fluff
And the giant ass haystack that you have to sort through to find that diamond 💎 $

Cough, cough plug for all my other note entries especially during 2025… Cough cough $

But what might’ve taken me a week of philosophical intellectual emotional searching,
Now takes about three minutes $$

I am just happy about the fact that I am recovering faster than I am burning $

I’m also switching gears to a very heavy fat focus diet strategy
Which sadly means to dial it back on the crackers $

I’m gonna try to get away with the rice as my only carb source besides maybe some fruit or something for as long as possible $

(lol LIes! Been on them pB&js for a couple days now ..
and loving it)

Mostly to really trigger my body to start tapping into any fat reserves $

I think I’m an honest 10%
Maybe a little less due to water disproportionality $

But I know I have at least 3 to 5 pounds of flexible fat that I need to get my body used to burning in a weekend $

If I can get used to tapping into that and burning that quickly,
Then pretty much all endurance training will be a joke $

And then when I do eat crackers…
That will really be some HYP training $

I can hear lots of loud Mexican music as I finish my cigarette at 10:02 PM $

I did have one beer
Shocker $

I had another bowl of just beef
Probably about 6 ounces $

And a few hours ago, I had six eggs and some rice $

I am feeling pretty hungry, but overall it is in line with nutrition and I’m not grappling with the Carb monster
For now… $ 

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-6-26

46

Happy 1:05 AM $

Another magical day
If you look closely, you can find a secret numerical code within today’s date $

You gotta be borderline crazy to find it tho $

All that nice lovey-dovey spirituality yesterday was great, 
but I think it’s time to get back to a regularly scheduled programming… $

That’s right.
“Love after lockup” $

And they’re opening strong with a wedding in a hotel $

“You’re marrying the guy who slid into your DM‘s in prison” $

That’s some legendary shit right there $

It’s been nice seeing AutoCorrect grow up over the years.
And now it has finally learned to learn how to cuss
Fuck yea $

You see I actually just tried to write “duck yea” 
For old times sake and it corrected me
Nice $

It’s still sucks in just about every other area though
Like any other good old young adult $$

Talk about king of trying too hard .. $$

Sadly, my experience has shown me that those who are emotionally retarded, 
are worse off than those who were intellectually retarded..
And far more frequent…. $$

*Lighter flick $

Oh nice 
now they’re doing a paternity test in a park.
That’s not code
They are literally having a cookout in a park & Homie just pulls out a paternity test like it was part of the schedule $

I mean, I guess if you can do a gender reveal party … $

Trauma surfing is when you utilize the waves of historical nostalgic trauma to complete or create $$**

For example,
Prioritizing early Monday morning to be the most productive because that was usually when you had to eat the most shit at the office $$

Or
Working late nights and weekends mostly because you don’t have to deal with as many people $$

The purple haze that I bought the other day is some of the dankest shit I’ve had in a long time 
I’m not gonna lie 
and this is $10 a gram $

I remember as a teenager when we first started blazing,
We had to go through the $25-$30 a gram bullshit phase.
I mean, it was some good shit.
Better than what you actually will get in most smoke shops these days.
And it was the real deal $

But you have to be pretty uptight to not appreciate the beauty of being able to by any type of cannabis within 3 miles
Even if it is the GMO shit 💩 $

If food can be genetically modified To modify your genetics,
Then just remember that two can play that game $

And you are gonna be able to signal your genetics a lot more reliably than some overgrown tomatoes, 
even though you’re probably shouldn’t be eating that much “regular“ fruits and veggies in this country due to pesticides.. $$

I know biologically I ain’t the oldest
But 31 years is plenty enough time to look like shit if I was doing something wrong $$$

And I swear if you catch me from wrong angle, I still look like I’m 16
Maybe even younger
So I know what I’m up to is working 
better than it is not at least $$$

And that’s really all that matters in life lol $$

I spilled part of my beer on the side of my chair earlier, so I’m just noting the slight smell $

We’ll see how long it lingers $

Brain health matter matter $

(Don’t know what I was trying to say lol)

Oh wow check this out
Some scientist just gene hacked and grew a super tobacco plant that contains all five major psychedelics.
Like psilocybin and DMT and 5MEO and all of it
Holy shit lol $$$****

Fuck it I’ll try it 😂 $$

Seeing this couple fight just reminds me,
I would gladly eat nothing but eggs again for a year if it means not being trapped in that wheel of rumination with the wrong person $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$******

Sad but true is the fact that if you think you might be with the wrong person, then you almost always are $$$****

Most people don’t even realize they’re addicted to conflict because the thrill of resolution is the only thing they have to look forward to $$***

I think it’s important to note for the record that -
the cringe posture plus facial expression that I have found myself stuck in for the past 15 minutes is like the exact opposite of mobility $

It’s like the bad type of plyometrics $

Also sidenote 
because this is gonna be a good time to see if my theory holds,
Whenever I am in a heavily fat focused, metabolic functioning state
Generally, substances take longer to kick in.
I mostly just talking about Kratom actually $$

And even though I haven’t taken the plant powder in a while, I’m noticing that the microdose of the tablet sometimes takes a little longer to kick in $

You know
It’s easy to get all upset about UFO disclosure and why the government doesn’t admit shit,
And then you watch shows like this and you remember that they’re probably doing the universe a favor by keeping technology out of the hands of people like this $$

Obviously, the higher advanced technology would be consciousness focused, 
and therefore, 
in the hands of an emotional infant would almost certainly lead to their instantaneous annihilation
Spiritually speaking $$

I think I’m gonna have to do some rice with heavy butter $

If I did everything right
The fuel from the fat from the beef that I ate before bed should be digesting now, mostly in the background
And the big ass bowl of rice and butter that I just ate should hit me like a freight train in about three hours lol $

Which will be 5 AM
On a Monday
On a leg day $

I mean, that’s a recipe for greatness if you ever needed one $$

You know
I don’t give it enough credit cause I’m not able to do it as much as I’d like
But my fishing IQ is evidence of reincarnation $$

Cause it’s pretty hard to know that much and be this good at fishing without ever really being able to go to the water 🎣 $$

But yeah, & always wanting to go … $

I feel the same way about random ponds and rivers that I do about deer and moose 🫎 $$

Were stepping out for part of a cigarette at 2:09 AM
And it’s kind of chilly out here $

It hasn’t been that long, but I’ve almost kind of forgotten about the cold already
And the fact that I pretty much made it through the coldest winter in Charlotte’s history with no real furnace is pretty cool $

Mostly for the fun of it 
because that bitch is under warranty.. $

And mostly because I would rather sit in the cold 
than listen to my parents bitch about how they have to sit in the cold
 or deal with the HVAC people.. $

It is 8:50 AM
Sleep was pretty good
been up for about 45 minutes
The depression was pretty real because of the financial stress
But a lot better than what it has been at least $

So we have already done the cold shower
Taking a couple victory hits, 
and we’re on the way to hit legs $

I would argue that women can handle physical pain better than men
And I would also argue that men can handle emotional pain better than women $$

Holy balls
It is 9:29 PM
Basically have time traveled since my last note
It has been a fantastic day
Busy as a bee
Actually busier cause I ain’t seen no fucking bees around today
And then bitches have been breaking in the cat room on a daily basis recently…
I’m not even kidding. 
I’ve had to extract a couple with the vacuum a few times already.
But it was cool today, so I figured that they’re being lazy $

I guess they forgot it was Easter yesterday and that we’re supposed to be getting to work for real for real $$

Cause I didn’t forget
Been doing the nitty-gritty editing all damn day $

Undeniable progress forward in all areas is
Undeniably painstaking as well $$****

It’s a weird situation to where I feel like I’m behind, but I know I’m right on time $$

Today’s workout was overall best described as functional
I just fucked around with a cable handle and a rope for a bit
Same as how I’ve been doing recently, 
but this time it was easier 
and I used lighter weight 
and I was more random and spontaneous $

But kidding aside
I am adjusting very well to the reduced carbs and increased fats $

One,
because I have been biologically primed to withstand suburban starvation $$

Two,
 because I did get a stress trigger, 
which has helped me “take shit serious” 
and therefore my metabolism has gotten the memo 📝 $

Evidence is in my cognitive clarity,
Drastically reduced restlessness,
& Naturally aligned hunger signaling $

And I would smash some crackers if they were around, 
but I’m finding it fairly easy to stay away from the grocery store $

I’m gonna need probably a full week or two to get back to where I’m any type of performance best though $

And up until recent, I’ve been doing a lot of high reps
A lot of isolation work with up to 31 reps
More on the endurance side, 
but because I rarely ever go above 13 reps, it provides a great new stimulus for hypertrophy.
It just turns into pure endurance if you’re not careful
But that is a very easy carb test $

Cause usually I can get 13 reps of quality work just from stored energy and fats
But whenever I wanna see how much I have in the tank, I can find out pretty quick by doubling the reps with no rest $

But AnyWho
We basically published 36 different walls lol
For the science
That’s pretty ridiculous honestly
And it’s not meant to be anything too fancy
Obviously
But it is pretty note worthy $

So I just had another gain bowl with six eggs and rice and butter $

The last game bowl was beef, beans, rice, and butter $

& a beef and rice bowl before that $

And a big ass bowl of rice before that super early this morning $

Which I thought was gonna shoot me into the stratosphere and have me in the gym by 5 AM, but I slept straight through it $

Once again, more evidence of metabolic flexibility $

And I slept good too… $

I am also proud of myself for how little cannabis I have used in the past 24 hours without even really trying $

I can feel my routine shifting a bit
To say that I’m probably gonna skip the midnight movies is basically a running joke at this point because of how many times I said it’s time to take a break and then I end up right back to it
And it gets better than ever
But this does seem a little different $

(lol more lies
Haven’t missed a night)

It’s not that I don’t want to do it. It’s that I truly want to work more.
And part of my new work routine it seems is a lot like how it used to be when I was in sales
Which was basically 8 AM to 2 AM
And when I wasn’t moving, I was sleeping $

Just had some green beans
And some almonds too ironically
But they were pretty good $

One of the many things left over from that freezer raid my mom gave me in between the visits where she was throwing me out of the house lol $

I know what I was just saying about the midnight movies thing 
but I’m all super stressed and anxious so I think I’m gonna go to first sleep and probably have a session to get my mind right 
and not think about work in a few hours..
Cause after all, that is the whole point $

Happy 10:32 p.m. $

Oh yeah, I need to note that I think my other charger officially bit the dust so I am down to using my laptop cable 
so I am routing the power from my outlet 
to my laptop 
to my phone 
With what is best described as modern Day suburban synchronicity $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-7-26

47

Good morning world $

It is 3:13 AM
And that was a pretty good first sleep $

Kind of forgot I wasnt supposed to get up and go to the movies $

Thanks to Alex for coming through and waking me up for no real reason. 
So now I don’t have to worry about missing out. $

Most people are too emotional to realize that time is the secret to everything.
Because if this was a game to test you, emotionally speaking,
The only way to beat the test is simply to survive long enough $$

We’re watching “Your Honor”
After making this stupid decision to try to scroll for about 20 minutes $

I might have enough dopamine to watch a background show, 
but apparently I don’t have enough to investigate new series or anything like that $

It’s kind of funny, but at this point, I can definitively claim that voice to text was definitely not designed by a writer ✍️ $$

It is not designed to hold up under true numbers
Or true words rather $$$

It’s just the small technical details that give it away. $

Look at me
Look at the old man in me coming out this early $

“The old man in the sea“
Sounds like a slapper
But not as good as “the old man in me” $

That could get perverted pretty quick though, not gonna lie $$

a noteworthy note is how little hunger I have at the moment.
It is suspicious and it could be a trap.
If my body has successfully started switching to fats, 
then I should have plenty of fuel.
 not only make it through the night, but to power tomorrow’s work out.
But if I am mistaken,
And I don’t eat again,
Then, if I’m not careful, 
I’ll end up crashing sometime around noon $

It is 9:28 AM
And we are slowly getting up
The stress and anxiety are very real
Naturally, it is financial and family related $

It is 7:38 PM
Another case so basically time traveling since last notes
Very productive day of filming prep and edits
Zero productivity as it relates to dashing so that is not good
I am currently having a small existential crisis as to whether or not I should go to the grocery store to get something else to eat besides eggs… $

I’ve already put on my flannel and as I’m about to go out the door I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it $

I’m having some pretty high anxiety about my car getting repossessed if I’m being honest $

Knock on wood
By my calculations, 
I think I have at least three more days, 
but I may be wrong.. 
I really hope I’m not wrong lol $

I think I’m straight up going to just go super hard with the electrolytes
And wait as long as I can $

I might be a little low on energy
And maybe a little moody
But I definitely have a little fat that I can burn
And if this was me a year ago, 
I would have plenty enough calories for a “dinner”
And I honestly should still be at maintenance level calories,
 I just have not had any crackers in a few days.
So it’s not all that glamorous
But from a nutrition perspective, I am still above water
I just am having to dial back the intensity of my training which I’m supposed to do this week anyway
So it really does lineup
And I really don’t need anything else
Because I was able to score a bunch of electrolytes today $

Kind of a sidenote full circle moment,
Whenever I first started this crazy ass new training lifestyle four years ago,
Aldis used to carry a different brand of electrolytes that was very cheap and effective 
and mysteriously disappeared in a couple years ago.
And what do you know?
They are back
And they are as reasonably priced as ever. $

So it really is good timing
I might not be that comfortable,
I might be stressed,
But that stress is a good trigger with the right fuel $$

And it’ll trigger my body to start tapping into fat now so that way, I’ll be extra efficient in the next few weeks instead of having to wait until late May or some shit $

And I’m not gonna lie
Provided they don’t explode my intestines just from the gas,
The seasoned black beans really are a game changer with these gain bowls
I mean, it’s basically like chipotle
Sometimes better… $

Definitely more reliable $

I’m not gonna lie
This purple haze from the smoke shop is some of the best shit I’ve had
I mean, it is quite delicious $

But like
 it’s so strong that after two hits, I’m getting paranoid
And I’m already paranoid lol
But it is some of that stanky dank
& It is the reason why God invented grinders $

Also noting for the record A pretty decent size game bowl $

It’s been another weird day where I swear the walls can talk $$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-8-26

48

Happy 12:31 AM $

Greatest time ever $

Had a pretty good first sleep
Almost unexpectedly $

I could tell I really needed the rest, especially mentally $

Guess it’s time to start doing the Lord’s work $

*bubbles roar $

I think I’m gonna actually try to watch a real show besides just talking shit about “love after lockup “ $

I kind of missed the fugitive show, even though I could be watching it in three clicks $

I think we’re just gonna stick with “Your Honor” $

I don’t even care dude..
The attorneys in the show are pretty much all MILFs $

👁️ . 👁️  

🔥 

💨 

$ (applies to last 3 lines lol)

This purp even burns better than most $

It is like low 60° inside and before I adjust to it, it feels cold as shit $

I keep forgetting how for pretty much three months, it didn’t get above 60° inside.
Most days It didn’t get above 50°..
But my point is that you burn a shit load of extra energy just by staying warm.
In fact, 
most of your calorie expenditure goes to the body heat, 
especially during winter.
Unless you never go outside and you’re stuck in a temperature controlled room ofc $

But even keeping the room in the low 60s and just not wearing many layers is plenty to burn up to another thousand calories a day $$

I will be honest
If I had cookies or crackers on hand, I would vaporize them
I’ve gone through an entire pot of rice in 24 hours
So in some ways, I’ve just kind of replaced those calories
Which is part of the rationale as to why I bother with the rocket fuel in the first place.
Cause if you’re gonna get the calories, 
then you might as well get them from something that digests the easiest $

But that mostly applies to just carbs.
Even processed fats,
 you’re really just looking at extra saturated fat, 
which is gonna break down at the same rate pretty much as any other fat $

So my real goal is to get my metabolism fat efficient enough to wear, It can just pull from body fat reserves in between gaps seamlessly. $

And then I can focus on getting my calories in mostly towards evening time $

I’m still gonna have to do something for the carbohydrate solution though the more that I think about it.. $

If my body is a machine, then this machine is primed to run on about 1500 calories of rocket fuel a day $

Most of my life, it was from a mass gainer $

But the past six months has proven that almost all super processed carbs shake out near equally $

While not all proteins are treated equal $

I feel like I was being a bit dramatic earlier, talking about beans and my intestines and spontaneous combustion,
I’ve actually haven’t had much bloating or farting issues.
I mean, 
there might be one or two kind of loud sneaky farts that come out about 6 to 7 hours after eating,
But it’s not like there’s really much else $

For the side note, I do think I had some kind of recent pathogen in my lower digestive track if you know what I mean $

Part of the reason why I decided to dial back the crackers is to see if that was impacting at all, 
but I do think that switching to such a high fat diet sometimes comes with a bit of an adjustment $

So I think I’m adjusting to both
Or recovering from one while switching to the other $

It is 1:21 AM
And I would rate the hunger at like a 5.5
But it started at a 4.5
So it’s climbing kind of quickly
We’ll see how long it takes for me to decide to finish that rice
Or end up with a whole ass another game bowl lol $

It is 1:43 PM and I’ve already eaten the rest of the rice and beans from the first can… $

I couldn’t resist any longer $

I did not add eggs, although I’m now thinking that maybe I should have because I’m still kind of hungry
That bowl was probably 600 cal $

I think I’m gonna have to get some crackers though if I wanna actually have a training session worth a shit lol $

But I think for the next couple weeks, I’ll probably reduce my overall cracker intake by half
comparatively speaking $

It is time for a part of a cigarette $

I just had a miniature heart attack because the second I stepped outside, It sounded like a tow truck was driving by 🤦‍♂️ $

The starving artist phase is a fun one for sure $$

It is 8:30 AM and we just arrived to the gym
After an hour of slow wake up time and a cold shower to boot 🥾 $

A few things funnier than watching someone drive around recklessly with a face mask still on…
They care about the wrong kind of safety $

I am low-key proud that the McDonald’s by my house that I once swore off forever has become my favorite place to dash from.
Not sure exactly what changed, but they’re one of the fastest and most reliable and most pleasant now $

We’re leaving Aldi’s with another reasonable, but unexpected grocery hall
Using the term unexpected loosely, of course cause I was talking about going to the store last night $

We got 3 pounds of blueberries
Three cartons of eggs
Two boxes of graham crackers
5 pounds of jasmine rice
And a new bottle of maple syrup $

It is 8:23 PM
And man has a been another amazingly productive day
Shit ton of filming
I don’t know why it’s so hard
It’s something I’m probably the best at considering how many hours and videos I’ve already shot
And these are just basic demonstrations
It’s all emotional bullshit, of course
Physically speaking, I did close to 200+ exercises
Didn’t need to use much weight but nine months ago that would’ve toasted me
You know, during the Adderall withdrawal days $

We’ll do a catch-up tangent on all that shit soon I’m sure $

I’m gonna be marketing soon, so I’m imagine I’m gonna get a lot of new eyes $

I think I probably have about three or four cards that I need to film
But I should be able to film them relatively quickly $

And then I can get to editing
And knock on wood, but I should be able to edit faster than I filmed
And then I should be able to link faster than I edit
And then I should be able to post faster than I link
And then maybe I’ll be in a spiritually free position for my execution come Friday lol $

Pretty crazy how quiet it is out here
As I finish this half of a cigarette at 8:29 PM $

It’s a pretty chilly night again
It’s pretty crispy last night too $

Earlier when I ran out the door to do a dash I didn’t even realize it was in the 50s
And I was wearing a light T-shirt $

Maybe that was yesterday I’m not sure $

Seems like the divine timing that it has gotten incredibly slow
While I get so close to finishing the resistance games $

I am so happy with the demos for the most part
I’m sure I’ll end up editing and modifying a few later on, but they are definitely good to go 
and earlier I took an honest swing at trying to write better cards than the ones I already have..
And I couldn’t do it $

I even did the Instagram scroll test
Where I would just scroll, 
and then I pick out pretty much every major movement that actually mattered from some random
Of all kinds,
Powerlifting,
Endurance running,
Martial art arts,
All of it,
And I could not find one that I “left out” $

Pretty much every single one and every major modification worth doing is accounted for $

And I’m also gonna have to make the second deck right after this by sneaking into the gym to use the machines, cables, and dumbbells
But that’ll be a perfect mirror deck $

And then I don’t think I’ll ever need to make another deck again
Other than for fun and for people, of course $

And then I’m probably gonna get some county job or some mindless job nearby to where I don’t have to deal with the public $

I tried to go to Home Depot last year cause I wanted to learn about construction stuff
I even had a nightmare interview at Academy sports that I’ve gone on about before $

And of course there was that horror show last year where it did 60 days in hell at the wellness place $

But they did give me a nice Momento with a misspelled name tag 
and a couple really nice comfortable shirts that are making great cut offs $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-9-26

49

Happy 12:06 AM $

This is one of those weird days where I didn’t think the date was gonna be all cool until I did the math $

This is definitely one of those times where life doesn’t even seem real $

The whole war in the fucking Middle East and shit
Pharmaceutical ads on repeat over and over again
The absolute insanity everywhere you turn around $

And silly me,
I decided I had to write a book..
About exercise… $

I was just asking to get crucified wasn’t I $$

This is a strange moment, hunger wise
I already ate an entire box of crackers yesterday
To be fair, I probably used it immediately during filming like I intended
I have blueberries and syrup, but that is literally the last thing I had $

I have eggs, beans and rice besides that to choose from lol $

The thing is, 
I do kind of need more fuel, 
but I was just talking about needing to stay mostly on dietary fats for the long-term.. $

But I kind of miscalculated my fat inventory and I really just have eggs and butter
And that’s a little too much to expect to get 1500 cal alone from lol $

Well, actually, I just redid the math and if I do eat 18 eggs with about 3 tablespoons of butter 
then that is right over 1500 cal $

Then that really kinda has me around half and half
And actually pretty much exactly what my current dietary regimen has looked like… $

Once again, justifying the crackers and cookies $

Because if I was to sub them out for other Whole Foods, then I would probably only be able to get an extra 500 750 cal before I get too clogged up 
or simply can’t afford it 
or can’t reasonably access them
And that says goodbye to the hypertrophy training $

Yesterday and the day before I made up for the difference with rice alone
But it seems to me that if you were to make a supplement to solve this problem,
You would develop something like cinnamon graham crackers.. $

Yeah, just saying it out loud... 
I don’t think I can do more crackers at the moment.
Probably gonna have to try to go for more rice and beans $

Which I think I’m actually getting better at digesting 
gas wise 
cause I’m really not gassy $

I mean, there’s like one sneaker
But as long as I’m anticipatory,
It’s no big deal $

It is 12:55 PM and we are stepping out for a cigarette
It is so quiet $

Seems clear skies
Still pretty chilly
Mid 40s
I would’ve guessed mid 50s
Small win from big adaptations I suppose $

So peaceful $

We’re watching the documentary about Magnus Carlson and Hans Neiman
Grand Master and potential grand dickhead $

Word on the street is Hans cheated 
and my guess is that he probably did
But I’m only halfway through the doc so far $

Moments like this when you don’t really know how the next week‘s gonna play out make life so much more meaningful
And also so much more stressful lol $$

But I’m not complaining
I’m sure I could vent if I wanted to which usually doesn’t actually do any good $

I actually just heard about a study not long ago that pretty much proved venting does not help
Cough, cough therapy, cough cough $$

To a certain degree, I do agree
But talking things out with the intention of finding the solution is different than venting $$

Any good therapist would know that and be skilled at practicing that $$

Any good telehealth salesman would not know that 
and would love for you to pay them to listen to you complain 
and call it healing ❤️‍🩹 $$

I guess the streets needed another sermon today $

I might just eat eggs by itself lol
But once again, I’m really just not all that hungry $

I’m just trying to kill time seeing if that’s gonna change
Otherwise, the plan is to do a light cardio workout in the morning
Extra light because I kept getting carried away even when I thought I was going easy $

That is the one area where I am basically still an activist
Running… $

I guess more appropriately -
The treadmill $

I did it
I ate the eggs
All six of them
“Handled”
Which is a hybrid between over medium and scrambled $

You can tell when your head is too far up your own ass when everything stinks $$$^***

It is 2:18 PM
And I just ate berries and syrup
And a whole thing of crackers… $

Power deferred to 4/24
No repo order issued for Jenny yet… $

Be right back I gotta go run and grab us a horse train $

(???)

Jujutsu will teach you that the difference between life and death can be just a little scoot $$**

Artist and scientist have one thing in common,
They both like to say “fuck it let’s see what happens“ $$*

You know I was saying how beautiful it was to dash during Christmas time,
But I think I was wrong,
I don’t think Christmas has anything on spring time $

When attempting to work for somebody else, it is very important that you do not come across is super smart, ambitious, and motivated.
It is more important that you come across as borderline desperate, and naïve with a willingness to do unreasonable things for a little bit of money.
I guarantee you you’ll get the job faster $$***
 
Any surprises from the Devine are almost always hidden under some of the shit that you don’t want originally want to do $$*

So far we’ve done a delivery near the first street I ever lived on
And the first neighborhood I ever worked in $

What a magic moment
I forgot to get a lighter at the store. I’m stuck using the steak grill lighter
I’m getting text messages from my mom about getting jobs at Amazon
And I’m also getting text messages from previous dash clients about additional tips and messages telling me to “keep up the good work” $

I’ve earned exactly $13.30 in the past hour
And I have about 30 videos left to film $

You ever do that weird game to where you hear about something super fucked up and evil
And in order to actually understand how fucked up evil it is, 
you try to envision yourself being a part of it or it somehow affecting you,
Just to make sure you’re not actually evil,
And then you feel bad for even spending the minutes of thought energy testing yourself to make sure you’re not evil? $

Cause that’s me every time the Epstein shit gets brought up $

It is 9:01 PM and we are stepping out for part of a cigarette $

It is another lovely night
Very bright stars i may add
Which is honestly pretty distinct compared to how things have been in the past few days
I mean, these bitches are bright as fuck and I don’t even have my glasses on $

Just had another amazing gain bowl though
I’m telling you
It might not sound the greatest
But rice, beans, eggs, butter, and a little bit of Texas Pete
Or more like a lot of Texas Pete…
And that shit never gets old $

I mean with six eggs and about 6 ounces of rice and somewhere around 3 ounces of beans
You’re looking at nearly 60 g of protein
And if you go with butter
You’re looking at nearly 1200 cal $

And price wise
I mean with butter and hot sauce, and all that calculated,
You’re looking at maybe $1.30 to $1.60 per meal
That’s incredible $

Cause eggs are 399 for 30 at the Food Lion the moment
(or $1.66 per dozen at Aldi)
A 5 pound bag of rice is about six bucks at Aldi‘s
Seasoned or regular beans are gonna run you about a dollar a can pretty much anywhere
Butter is usually about three dollars per four sticks
And a big bottle of hot sauce is probably four dollars $

And I promise that if you were actually hungry, it will taste amazing and not get old
Cooking the eggs gets a little bit more repetitive though
And you’re gonna need to get really good at the trick I have become to call a “egg flip” $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-10-26

410

Happy 1:15 AM $

I’ve actually been up at the movies for about an hour now, but I’ve been so distracted, I forgot to write anything lol $

Gonna do some edits now $

I know crazy right? $

It is now 1:49 AM and taking a little break
I was right and I am able to trim these videos a hell of a lot faster than I was able to film them lol $

And because I’m on the backside of this mountain of creative bullshit, the editing is fun again
And probably the reason why I can’t sleep
Not until this shit is done $

But we’re stepping out for a cig
And it’s pretty chilly again
I’ve been having to turn on my space heater a little bit just for the snake plants 🌱 $

It is also so quiet that I’m having a whisper $

I mean, I can hear pretty much everything
Even the small twig snapping in the leaves $

Unrelated, but it really makes me sad every time I see any roadkill at all
But it seems like possums have it especially bad out here
People treat them like targets
I mean, I understand trying to hit humans for the bonus points, 
but not animals… $

Unless the karmic system works the same for marsupials as it does for these arrogant ass highly evolved primates $$

In which case then, maybe I will be a little bit more understanding $

I have begun to tell myself that whenever I see what may be a pet that has been killed $

I’m quick to assume all animals are super innocent and somehow victims $

And I still stand by that more than I am willing to blame karma for killing house cats $$

But I did not make this universe
I’m just taking as many not3s as I can $

If I have a chip on my shoulder, it is because assholes tried to make me take notes for so long,
Up until they kicked me out of school..
Cause they thought Id never amount of nothing.. $

I just think it’s funny how my micro dosing of nicotine and tobacco has worked at helping me not be such a little bitch when it Comes down to the cold, 
both emotionally and biologically. $

Cause you may or may not recall, dear reader,
But If you’re crazy enough to read my previous notes from the winter,
That even a subtle 20° temperature change can go a long way when it comes down to biohacking $

And basically by keeping your brown fat as subtly active as you can,
You both gain a much more comfortable existence from temperatures
And you burn a lot more calories in the background $

Cause by stepping out for about 10 minutes in the 45° cool night with not much layers on,
It is just enough to trigger the background processes to keep producing a little bit extra heat
So when I go back into a 60° room, it feels amazing for several hours $

And then simply repeat if you can
Obviously, when it’s super hot outside, doesn’t work $

So probably come May I won’t be able to do this at all $

But it’s a small way to earn extra points because the point isn’t to burn so much extra calories that you’re burning actual fat for aesthetic,
It’s that by staying in a small burn mode, you are going to be intellectually sharper and metabolically more efficient $

Basically keeping comfort at bay $

And it is probably as close as you can get to still staying in rest and recovery mode without actually flipping into fight or flight $

So we’re getting ready for work part two and we’re gonna put on a documentary called “ caterpillar” 🐛 $

I doubt I have many words cause I’ll probably get back to work in a second but I just wanted to note for the record for some time in the distant future or some shit $

I will note that the dank that I got from the candy store is actually purple..
And taste very bizarre not gonna lie
It’s pretty,
But it’s not as pretty as the purple haze from the smoke shop next-door… $

I’m not gonna lie, The smoke shop next-door has been better quality wise & product wise than the candy store as of recent … $

It is now 2:58 AM
Just had another amazing game bowl
Pretty much exactly like the last $

I wasn’t not hungry beforehand,
But I was doing some negotiating with the cracker monster
And I’m proud of myself for choosing the healthy option $

Thereby saving the crackers & Barry cereal for after training in the morning $

The theory that I proposed a couple months ago about whether it was a good or bad thing to go lay down or sleep right after eating…
I think I’m on team lay down $

Mostly because of how you feel after a big meal 
and literally how the stomach is shaped
And digestion timeline $

Meaning, I think when you lay down, you shift the contents of your stomach to the side,
Horizontally,
Which allows it to spread out in the stomach to digest better.
Specifically laying on your left side.
If you look at how your esophagus and the lower testing attach to the stomach,
It’s some organ that I can’t pronounce starting with a D,
You’ll see what I mean..
And then after about three hours when you go to stand up and your stomach shifts,
It basically encourages things to move onto the next step. 
Thanks to gravity $

Again, I don’t think there’s anything that harmful about moving around after a big meal
Because a light walk can help signal your body to digest it quicker and more efficiently
Instead of putting you in the mood that I just mentioned $

But I think that both are what matters $

And biologically- evolutionarily speaking,
I know there was not a luxury of being able to just eat a big ass meal and then go run around $

Not when you consider how good you feel when you work on an empty stomach.
Provided you have enough stored fuel, of course $

Trying to do any activity with a full stomach just feels awful
Except for sleeping $

Maybe there are some background cost by digesting a large meal while sleeping,
Maybe you might not sleep as deeply if you’re not used to it,
But most people eat a lot within an hour of going to bed,
and I hate to break a few people, 
but it takes at least two or three hours for shit to fully break down $

I also am not exactly sure when it started, but I’m pretty sure I have a note about
Listening to political podcasts as I go to sleep, puts me out faster than just about anything else lol $

Would think it’d be the opposite $

It is 9:19 AM and we are arriving to the gym $

Almost didn’t make it as I wasn’t sure if I was gonna come or not $

The best part about being a philosopher is the more fucked up Your hair is,
the better. $$

It is 4:54 PM and we are getting to doing some dashing
Just finished the filming the official first round of 360 different movements (if not more) $

It’s pretty incredible how much emotional energy I have now compared to even three months ago
Knock on wood, but I’m actually hoping for a busy night dashing
Like I think it could be fun?
Once again, what do I know?
But just to be in a position to where I have the energy to spend is a very big deal $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-11-26

411

It is 12:03 a.m.
And I feel like I’ve cheated $

I didn’t really write much of shit for pretty much the second half of yesterday because I was so busy doing edits $

I haven’t even gone to first sleep yet $

Kind of like the good old days $

But we’re gonna smoke part of the cigarette and then probably go to bed $

Not to brag, but I did drink one and 2/3 of a beer 🍺 $

By my calculations, I have maybe one day left before the repo man starts going around looking.. $

It is 8:28 AM and we are on the way to the gym
What a beautiful morning it is $

Slept pretty good
And I’m up and ready to rock $

Just getting back after one of the most legendary store runs of all time
In the past hour, we have-
Delivered some pizzas,
Got a shit load of electrolytes and hot sauce,
2 gallons of gas,
A fresh eighth of purple haze,
Three count the Hydro seven,
And even renewed the Bible & a couple other overdue library books $

I’m going to have to clear out the garage to hide the car from the repo man lol
But knock on wood,
I should have enough fuel and resources to launch the online store
And last about a week or so ? $

The final stage of true adulthood is when you make it full circle & when you realize that magic is real 
and is the most mature subject in known existence $

As a philosopher, my whole life, I have felt nothing..
Nothing but the truth $$

It is 3:21 PM
Second best time of the day $

And we have had a very productive morning
just alluded to some of the highlights lol $

But the time is coming,
In which I must enter the tomb of endless edits..
I must dodge & grapple with the trauma monsters that seek to destroy any dope shit $$

I must wage war on bitch assNess 
From land, sea, and air
And of course, the ethereal shadow realm $$

I should also note for the record that the last dash that I did was right next to the ball fields that I first played sports at
I’m talking T-ball & soccer
Way way way back

it is also 6:18 PM and we just activated the store again
So that alone is pretty monumental $

We are going to the lion to get the last bit of preparations $

It is 8:27 PM and we are stepping out for part of the cigarette $

I am just so proud of myself
I am starting to cook for real
I mean philosophically not actually for real
I don’t want to jinx it, but it looks like I’m finally switching to a new phase to development
Basically, the equivalent of going from powerlifting to endurance running
now the work is a lot of less mindful & more repetitive monotonous tasks.
Which I am more than cool with,
Cause I’m getting dopamine hits every 30 minutes from the work now $

In many ways, that’s what I’m used to.
I’m back to having a punchlist of things to do,
And as long as I go from one to the next and just focus on the right technique,
Things are falling into place and fitting like a puzzle 🧩 $

I am both excited and absolutely terrified because everything is unfolding exactly how I envisioned
I guess actually technically better $

I have a mountain of shit that I still need to do though
And literally, I have enough work to go nonstop for probably ever but at least the next week $

Good news is it looks like the store is running and it looks like my purchase went through $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-12-26

412

Happy 12:01 AM $

I love when I wake up exactly on time $

This time was just the stroke of a new day $

We’ve been watching “American hustle”
It’s pretty good, but it’s also kind of bleh lol $

Just finished a gain bowl
Followed by some berry cereal $

And man, it just gets better every time $

And the best part about this meal, is it also is pretty much a guarantee to improve your aesthetic just as much as your attitude $

And humility level… $

It’s a pretty noisy night all things considered $

Figures for Saturday night $

Jenny is officially on her staycation
And honestly, she deserves it after all the DoorDash $

I’ve been really good about making more dollars than miles
But they’re all basically neighborhood and city miles
Which is just bouncing through the gearshift
And relying heavily on my brakes
Which have begun to squeak… $

I mean, I know the angels or ancients or aliens have the footage
But I want to see how many hours this past year alone I have driven with my gas light on..
I mean that both literally and philosophically
Because brother, it is insane $

Or maybe I should ask how much work I’ve completed with that gas light on,
Because it’s a fucking insane amount.
And I think that is a good moral lesson and a good example for anyone $

That even when the world is driving you crazy,
You can still look at it in the eyes
And say,
 “fuck that shit” 
and get back to work $

I do need to note for the record that I’ve been using this campfire torch lighter for the past couple days..
I conveniently forget to buy a lighter each time I go to a store $

I mean, it’s like some kind of ethereal joke $

But I need to cut back on my smoking this week if I wanna make that eighth last so I kind of like it because it keeps me honest $

I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I’m actually ahead of schedule on my edits
Verifying and validating my process $

It’s 1:31 AM and we’re going back for second sleep $

It is 9:55 AM and I am on the board and on the street & on the way to the gym
I’ve got the bag,
Random shit of course,
Got my shades,
And a smile to please the gods $

The direct route Took about 30 min,
gonna try the scenic route tomorrow $

It is now 1:17 PM and we are stepping out for part of a cigarette after a nice lovely game bowl $

Spring is here
And it is back in the 80s without a cloud in sight
Beautiful lovely Green everywhere you turn $

Ive gotten a lot of editing done
I would say 2/3 are in their proper place
With about 20% needed left to cut
In about 15% probably hole plugging $

I can hear my mom yelling for her cat..
She has already sent me some very triggering text today lol $

I’m supposed to call her later…
If the rule of the pendulum holds, then it should be a good conversation $

Is 3:29 PM and we are going on an afternoon sun walk $

Couldn’t ask for better conditions
And yet I still had to negotiate with myself for about five minutes before sliding on the flip-flops $

I didn’t even have to go through the trouble of putting on shoes
Although I did change my pants and shorts to get some sun on these pearly white legs $

It’ll be interesting to see if my calves actually got any quality sun from their early morning time
They were definitely lit up pretty good, but I don’t know if the sun was high enough in the sky to do any damage $

(Ehh not really)

Regardless,
New challenge is to get some good quality sun exposure on some part of the body each day $

Instead of forcing myself trying to tan,
I’m gonna microdose it and see if I can hack the system that way $

I will say not having to check the phone or juggle DoorDash is a weight off my mind. If 
I didn’t have this conversation coming up then I probably would be pretty relaxed
But of course, I can’t tell I am in fight or flight subconsciously $

I guess if anything, just being aware that it is circumstantial and not biological is of itself it’s own relief 
so that way I don’t go gaslighting myself $

Doesn’t really change the dread though $

It is 7:10 PM and the phone call is complete
Lasted nearly 2 hours $

And I honestly got to say that overall It went a lot better than I was dreading
But I still feel so icky and slimy..

It ended with my car being caught back up…
So there’s 2 1/2 months of absolute chaotic stress closed up 
sort of.. $

Once again found myself in a position where I had to speak my peace
And shortly thereafter, I found myself borderline lying without even realizing it $

I’m gonna go on a sun walk now
And I’ll probably talk about this later
I just feel so icky, but yet relieved $

Well, just when I needed it most
What a magical moment just now,
On my walk back, 
I passed a stranger,
And after a nice classic awkward suburban wave,
He took his headphone out to let me know that I “inspired him” $

And I gotta say that shit hit hard, bro
I nearly started tearing up when walking back
& luckily, I saw two of the most beautiful red cardinals hanging out on the street sign $

The same street sign that is tattooed on my right arm by a broken skateboard $

But luckily, 
my skateboard is not broken, 
which is why I was able to skate to the gym today
While my car was hiding in the garage from the repo man $

In many weird ways,
I hope to God I don’t have to do that song and dance again
But
I now know at least I have 90 days with the jeep…. $

LOLOLOLOL $

Goddamn, I am a slithery snake 🐍 $

I love how it is 71° inside 
and I’m still chilly
I mean, not really, but kinda if you know what I’m saying
I only have a T-shirt on in my defense
Besides some pants…
Gotta be clear about that these days $

But just laughing to myself about how three months ago when It was in the fucking teens lol $

It is 9:05 PM and time for first sleep $

It is 11:57 PM and time for the midnight movies $

Synchronicity is when love and lockup is on episode 13 season four
On April 13 $

For clarification, I will not be watching “love after lockup tonight”… $

Or at least for now lol… $

*Starts “house of cards” $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-13-26

413


Yay, we did it $

Happy 12 AM $

It’s 413 $

The 11 year anniversary of when I started officially in professional sales $

I don’t know why 11 is most significant, but it is pretty cool when you think about it $

Could go on a tangent about the duality of the nature of negotiation..
Or leadership…
Or coaching…. 
But I don’t really feel like it lol $

It is pretty symbolic, though timing wise, as I’m literally about to restart and launch a bunch of shit $

It really is running joke at this point
I mean that as literally and figuratively as possible $

I may not know when exactly but I know I’m getting close… $

Sorry if you already read it on yesterday’s wall
But we’re watching “House of cards” $

Let’s just say it’s pretty gripping… $

Really unexpected to see how well the show has aged… $

Unlike that one guy… $

The best actors are often the craziest because the role requires a level of detachment and impersonation that is only possible if you are able to reach historical levels of delusion $$*

Just thinking about all the bitchassness I’ve seen in my life,
It truly is overwhelming and is the single biggest problem and Threat that we face $$

In past lives, the threats would’ve been different
It would’ve been greed mostly and over-ambition $

With these days, 
it is a combination of lack of caring while also caring too much about the wrong things $$

One advantage of having shitty shoes is that my feet are now beginning to callous in new ways lol $$

Pretty crazy 
already on episode three of season one of House of cards $

We have a pretty delightful buzz going on right now I won’t lie
But if I’m being honest, it is actually pretty light historically speaking $

I mean, I’m only about four or five hits of the haze deep
And half a tablet
Split Major - minor $

And as of 1:01 AM, we’re stepping out to finish the cigarette
I have had more cigarettes in the past 30 hours than any day recent
Mostly due to the stress and work $

I’m trying to digest and switch gears
As creatively crazy as it sounds,
Knowing that at least for 90 days, I have a car,
Is a pretty big deal considering I haven’t been able to say that for the past 90 days lol $

One of these days I’ll go back and I’ll do a nice detailed series & timeline of events of all the high strangeness Over the past 13 months or so,
Just to document how crazy things have been.
Mostly in the comical way,
So please don’t think I’m complaining $

One of those “damned if you do damned if you don’t” kind of years $$

But my point is that if you’re just tuning in,
It’s gotta look insane lol $$

Apparently though…
Dare I say it… ?
.
I’ve been training for this $

And now that I don’t actually have to do the intellectual powerlifting,
Which really just looks like 30 minutes of work with three hours of laying on the floor pulling your hair out,
I can turn my attention back to the monotonous grind $$

And I do think I’m gonna try to find some actual work at a “brick-and-mortar” establishment,
Mostly because I do owe it to my parents to take some of the stress off their shoulders, even if they only choose to stress about money… $

But mostly because I actually want to get back to some kind of work that doesn’t involve coming up with new shit $

Now I say that,
Fully hoping and praying that I don’t actually have to lol $

I am just willing to do it 
and willing to make the best of it 
and I know it’ll be fun no matter what $$

But God and the ancients and the aliens and the angels might have other plans.. $$

Cause they’re the fuckers that have been running this crazy ass Boot Camp for the past four years $

But in all seriousness,
Everything is lining up,
Literally and philosophically $

Bro, it’s already supposed to get into the 90s later this week
Jesus $

I’m trying to decide what I should do..
I’m not quite sleepy enough for second sleep,
I’m not hungry for a gain bowl,
And in fact, I’m might even be in a decent surplus,
I’ve got no podcast pressing that needs listening to,
And I’m kind of tired of watching TV 
So I think it’s only one option to please all parties…
I’ll give you about three lines to guess it deer reader… $

It involves victory $

It involves hits $

It also involves this ridiculous fucking grill lighter lol $

And it involves a challenge $

And it involves cannabis $

Can you combine the five ingredients to solve the riddle? $

Are you a true alchemist? $

If you guessed a victory smoke off…
Then you may be psychic $$

Or a super fan $

Either way,
I like it lol $$

Happy 1:13 AM $

It also might involve some berry cereal here in a few minutes… $

It is now 1:30 AM and I’m stepping out for another cigarette
Pretty crazy
I’m craving more the aesthetic and the perfect 67° slightly windy air
That berry cereal was so damn good $

But I do need to note for the record
I switched to the Aldi’s blueberries this last batch
Cause they’re basically half the price of the wild blueberries at Food Lion or Teeter
And they’re really good
They’re a lot bigger
Berry versus berry
But they kind of came out a little funny if you know what I’m saying..
The fiber from them seemed a little different than the wild blueberries
Cause I think these are probably your regular blueberries or something like that
We’ll see if I get used to it
But I never had blue poop before lol $

It is 7:27 AM and we are on the way to the gym $

Kind of ominous
I went outside for a moment with Alex
And there was a dead possum 12 feet away..
It must’ve been transported there
Kind of suspicious
It was in the backyard
Theoretically, 
it looks like something could’ve been escorting him, and then potentially was interrupted and forced to drop him.
I don’t think something deliberately transported that possum there.. $

Always fun watching two amateurs max out lat raises on a Monday $$*

All I know is you need resistance if you actually want to learn how to communicate 
Don’t really matter with what or with who $$*

Also
All I know is 
just don’t be an emotional fuck stick and you’ll prob be just fine $$*^***

Activists & artists do have a few things in common ~
Mostly the confidence when it comes to inventing new exercises $$

Another day, another delivery to a dentist 🦷 $

It is 12:40 PM and we are on the way back to the gym for real this time.
I went by this morning for at most 45 minutes,
did some very light push double isometrics,
But now that I’ve gotten some more work done and eating a pretty decent gain bowl about two hours ago,
I kind of don’t have a choice
I have the level of restlessness that will get anybody institutionalized $

But this time it’s more of the functional kind
So it’s time to practice some more alchemy and get some more energy points while we’re at it $

If you can’t spot the pump from across the room, then you don’t have a pump $$$***

It is 7:28 PM and we are going on a sunset walk
A little early technically, but I am pooped
I have been working nonstop
*Shocker*
Also juggling the family bullshit…
Which overall is minor comparatively speaking, but still a pretty significant energy drain
The most draining actually,
Because if it wasn’t for that, I could work pretty much endlessly $

But all in all, it has been a very productive day $

Just officially met the dude that said I inspired him yesterday,
D*****
Cool guy $

If I had to be honest, I’d say greeting people and shaking hands at an AA meeting is about the hardest exercise I’ve ever had to do $$***

You can’t truly choose to hate what you don’t truly understand,
Because By definition, you will not be hating on the thing you think you are,
Therefore, 
those who hate god simply don’t understand love ❤️ $$$

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-14-26

414

Happy 12:03 AM
414 has a nice ring to it $

just had to nearly kill a roach… $

I hate when bugs violate our peace agreement & my lower nature takes hold
Then I start getting real.. Stompie $

It was pretty decent first sleep though
And I am going to settle into the movies $

When they say that “Jesus saves”
They should also say that “Jesus roasts too” $$

Cause he might save your ass, but he’s still going to light you up if you make him $$

Anyway, we’re gonna try watching “kid cannabis“ $

I am kind of happy to note that the Carb monster has not shown up in a bit
But I did catch a glimpse of a graham cracker box and I did start reminiscing and salivating..
And if I had crackers in the house, you bet your ass I’d be crushing them right now $

But instead, I’m really not “hungry”
All I have is blueberries beans, rice, eggs, syrup, and hot sauce
And ketchup $

Can’t forget ketchup $

I think there’s potential for a gain bowl before I go back to bed
But this is the difference between a nutrition signal and fueling craving $

And honestly
I think I will probably reinvest in more crackers or PB&J
Because that really would be a better option right now $

Mostly because I don’t need nutrients
I probably am hovering right about maintenance level calorie wise
So if I had some extra fuel, I bet you I could get it to the right spot $

It is 12:37 AM and we’re stepping out for a cigarette $

I gotta say that I am pretty baked after just two hits
And I am pretty loose after this 20 minutes of mobility $

I need a note for the record that I do think I’m pretty crispy soreness wise $

This is not good
I can’t seem to get my charger to work
And I’m really nervous that it’s not the charger’s fault
But it might be my phone port, finally fucking up
Oh God
Pray for me that I can get this thing charging $

OK, knock on wood. My other charger is now working again.
So maybe my computer is simply dead $

It is 1:13 AM
Just had a minor gain bowl
Rice beans, butter
Probably around 500 cal
Mostly fuel
Maybe 20 g of protein if I’m lucky
But hey, rice and beans are complete protein
And as cheap as you get $

Seriously though
Just about anybody can house a lot of rice and butter in one sitting
By throwing some good beans in there,
you’re basically eating Mexican.
And if the bowl is big enough,
You can easily get 1000 cal
And if you can handle it,
(Mostly talking about your intestines)
Then you could probably get at least 40 g of protein
And that’s vegetarian and technically vegan $

Not that I’m a big proponent of either of those…
Cause honestly at the end of the day, it’s really hard to beat a big ribeye
And maybe some good veggies $

But I’m saying,
Pretty much most of the known world is eating rice and beans for good reason
It is good fuel
And better than most snacks nutrient wise
So there’s that $

And butter is nothing to be afraid of $$

But these kind of bowls are pretty good because the fiber and the beans keeps the train moving $

And fuck it, I’m just gonna say it
Makes for good quality poops
💩 $

Anybody else got a weird spaceship thing on the back of their passport? $

If you haven’t looked, go look
It’s like the damn Death Star
staring at the Earth $

We’re gonna go ahead and lay back down for second sleep
I’m making a prediction that I’m probably not gonna go to the gym first thing in the morning lol
Then again, I might wake up in four hours with a little bit of energy
Do a smoke off
And another regain ball
And get back to it by mid morning $

We’ll see $

Happy 5:35 AM lol $

I guess I’m psychic
That or I just know myself very well
Funny how those two are almost indistinguishable $$

I think it is time
I think we’re gonna do a suburban smoke off and try to go through as many edits as we can $

It is 10:51 AM
We’re on the way to the gym $

It is 1:40 PM and we just completed the sun walk
Extra sunny
We also had a big ass bowl of rice and beans and butter about an hour ago $

I’m really testing the water to see how far those three ingredients alone will take me
So far so good physically 
even though emotionally, I miss my crackers $

Random but from the other day, 
I feel like I need to note it before I forget it-
When on the phone with my mother at one point, I mentioned that shit is getting so fucked up that if things do not actually improve opportunity wise locally then I really am considering enlisting
If I don’t get drafted first..
(I just don’t trust the government enough to consider it unless I have to)
But her response to me was
“The good thing about Chick-fil-A is that they will guarantee a job when I get back” $

Didn’t even blink about the thought of me going to actual war
Simply to solve some financial inconvenience… $

Whenever you have to do some shit that you originally don’t want to do,
just brand it an “exercise in willingness” and you’ll get extra bonus energy points $

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some fantastic news
I just got back from the lion and I have what is arguably our first summer switch Carb refuel run
We got some double stuffed Oreos
And PB&J bread and butter and jelly
Very exciting stuff
Also got 30 more eggs $

I already ate an entire sleeve of the Oreos before I even made it home
Partly because there were so easy to open
And because the light took so long lol $

But all kidding aside, the carb monster was very reasonable this week so I figured he deserved a treat.
And considering how I’ve been lagging the past couple days,
And I’m overdue for a really brutal leg hypertrophy session,
I figured the timing was perfect $

I would argue finding your purpose or mission is far more important than food and water because you’ll gladly go without both if it’s for the right reason $$***

You know you’re fulfilling your purpose when suffering is fun $$***

It is 8:43 PM and we just finished the second third of those Oreos
The first one is starting to kick in and I’m getting a little restless, not gonna lie $

But that’s what the second half of the cigarette is for lol $

It is 11:38 PM
And we got a jump on the restlessness
We got a decent first sleep in the books
Round of cookies should be kicking in, but hopefully not lasting too long $

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-15-26

415

It is 12:10 AM and we’re gonna jump on the day $

That’s right
We’re finishing those Oreos
That’s an entire box within eight hours of purchase $

That is how you do a carb refeed ladies & gents $

Don’t get me wrong, 
barring a miracle, im probably gonna spill over get a little anxious
But I’m making a calculated bet it’s worth it for legs $

(It was 100%)

Like all kidding aside
I can tell these cravings are physical and not emotional
Meaning, I didn’t just smash all his Oreos cause I was bored
Or sad.. $

Because I’m not either,
But a year or two ago I might’ve thought I was just simply because I was low fuel wise $

Mostly because I was not accurately accounting for the biological impact that stress was really taking $

Cause when you’re playing the whole calories in vs calories out game,
Your body weight might not change despite your stress level,
But your body composition certainly will after a long enough period of time $$

So kind of a weird plan for the evening
I’ve been up for about an hour watching the “sitting bowl” documentary series on Netflix
Pretty good
And I am obviously super stoned
Which is awesome
But I am a little sleepy
And now full of Oreos
Like a ticking time bomb..
So I’m gonna go ahead and try to get a couple more hours
Save my last bit of the tablet for when the wave of energy hits
And then return to the smoke off
And the rare third sleep $

It is 3:14 AM
And I was right once again
Decent little nappy nap
The wave of cookies is kicking in
But dare I say it… ?
…
I’ve trained for this $

Never be afraid of someone who doesn’t lift.
They literally don’t understand their true strength $$$*

I don’t give a fuck how bright an intellectual thinks they are,
And neither does the barbell $$

The best revenge is when the intelligent but mentally compromised athletes finally take over technology from the skinny soy boy atheists $$***

I need to do a column on how to trigger atheists 
.
It’ll just be pictures of the pyramids lol $$

Just kidding
 I made that joke before $

Friendly reminder that there’s only one way to learn emotional management $$

And There are zero ways to fake it $$

I say the person that can handle their cookies is always more dangerous than the person who cannot
Or the person who has sworn off entirely $$*

Is 3:55 AM we’re stepping out for a cigarette 🚬 $

oh my God !!!
I just made the biggest fucking idiot move of all time…
I literally just burnt the filter
I literally tried to smoke it backwards
Oh my God, 
it’s my last cigarette too… $

Now I’m actually angry
That’s one of the worst things of all time right there 😑 $

So I just cut the tiny tip off
Basically, just circumcised the fucking cigarette $

And we’re going forward anyway cause I literally don’t even have two dollars to replace it at the moment $

I guess you don’t need filters for cigarettes 
(Or philosophy) $$

You don’t know brutal until you’ve cut the tip off of Marlboro red $$$

Whatever it’s working..
Probably gonna get a little extra nicotine too $

Friendly reminder to be aware of bitch ass ness at all times $$$

It will strike when you least expect it $$

Time for the rare third sleep
Then legs $

It is 8:32 AM and we are on the way to the gym. Just finished the cold shower and a miniature play session with the kitty.
Tried to do a dash early but literally just ended up doing a lap around the neighborhood cause traffic was so bad lol
So hopefully, I can scrounge up a little candy money by the afternoon $

Guess everyone’s an accountant based on how busy PF is
(Today’s tax day apparently) $

It is 1:10 PM
And it is a pleasure to log the first PB&J of the year $

It is 3:51 PM and I just had to note another magical moment
Nearly ran out of gas again on the way back from doing a dash,
Literally used the last $2.42 I had..
At least that is not counting my secret stash of $13 that I’m about to use to buy cigarettes hehe $

It is 5:11 PM and we’re going on a sun walk
Before i shame myself for delaying it until basically the end of the day,
My skin doesn’t really know much the difference.
Cause it’s already fucking 88°
And 5 o’clock right now is basically like noon time two months ago.
And this is the first real sun for my pasty white thighs $

I mean, these bitches must be setting some kind of ultraviolet personal record $$

You could probably study them $

If I ever go running at night, I don’t even need to worry about reflectors $$

And you’ll definitely never lose track of me on a crowded beach lol $$

You see,
The sun isn’t the only thing that can roast me.
Quite good at doing it myself $$

Anyhow
Been a very weird day
I reviewed most of the edits
And I’m at the point now to where I’m gonna begin uploading and finishing up the final punchlist items $

It is a 13 p.m. and we’re stepping out for half a cigarette $

(??)

I’m in a very weird headspace
It’s family shit of course
The back-and-forth between the trauma over petty shit is really super draining $

The short of it is-
I know deep down my parents, Don’t really know what they’re doing.
Or they don’t grasp the impact that they’re having,
Things like this are very hard to write because I’m so conditioned to just brushing it off and not sounding like a whiny victim.
So I’m trying to be literal.
And I’m intending it as a message & a lesson of myself-
That I’m certain I’m experiencing this because of old karma lessons of the past.
An ancient past most likely.. $

I mean that quite literally when you get into emotional conflicts with people,
And they force you to switch your fight or flight system on.
That is the same stress energy that causes all disease.
It delays all healing.
It compromises all opportunity.
And it rots whatever it touches. $$

And these pathways get ingrained deep and quick if you’re not careful.
And sometimes we find ourselves in situations that are so consistently fucked that the only variable to change is ourselves.
And sometimes we can get addicted to that just like anything else $$

But that doesn’t lessen the biological healing that must take place.
And time is still a lead on that $$

This is a simulation to learn forgiveness after all,
Shit gets real rough once that’s forgotten.
Shit gets a lot easier once it’s remembered. $$$*

$
THOUGHTS I HEARD

$$
SUBURBAN SECRETS

$$$
WORDS THAT NEED A HOME

4-16-26

416

Happy 12:48 AM world $

Had a pretty good sleep due to being completely exhausted emotionally lol $

Gonna do my best to shut out the world for a few hours $

My lack of hunger is pretty suspicious
Not in a bad way, but I’m thinking that during leg day it triggered me metabolically
And I over compensated by converting some fats,
Because I’ve been pretty good diet wise before those cookies.
Which could also be argued as a pro move honestly because of how glorious the workout was
And how I’m pretty sure all of those cookies went to the right place
And the right muscles did the right movements
And now I have extra energy to last me probably another eight hours or so $

It’s note worthy because of the type of energy
I am not restless or anxious or anything like that
Again, the stress and everything has kind of wore me down, but I’m not crashing metabolically speaking $

I am gonna try to eat soon now, even though I don’t “feel hungry“ $

It is 1:45 AM
We just smashed a big gain bowl
And it is a perfect time to start another cigarette lol $

I think when you start anything new
You’re naturally gonna suck
But sometimes you also suck so bad that you can’t really enjoy it
But if you can suck long enough, you get used to it and then you start to enjoy it, even if the skill isn’t fully developed yet
And that is when you enter the amateur phase lol $

But kidding aside,
 during this phase is when you can make the most progress
Because you’ve likely gotten the routine down and you’ve learned a bit about what you don’t know
Generally speaking
And then there’s this bit of anxiety that disappears $

It’s like when you complete the tutorial
The real tutorial
That’s when the game begins $

Time for 2nd sleep
1:52 am $

It is 5:25 AM and we’re up briefly for a quick intermission before finishing up sleep $

Kind of funny how the commercials have begun to change,
Instead of gambling and pharmaceuticals,
This last round was for a new type of super cool detergent and athletic socks.
And I’m not gonna lie, 
I’m tempted to buy both of them because they seemed cool lol $

Anyone who says
“Life on life‘s terms“
Is part of a secret society $$****

I am evidence that it is possible to feel like both a winner and a failure at the same time $

It is 10:58 AM and it has been a bit of a roller coaster so far today
Got up early and went to the gym to do some very light functional mobility/isometric
But then pretty much crashed emotionally right afterwards.
A combination of low caffeine (on accident) and drama related stress $

If I played my cards right, I might’ve gotten about a day off of the unexpected texts and phone calls and triggers
But maybe not $

But after laying around on the floor for a bit, it seems that I rebounded partially due to circadian rhythm and improved motivation $

So for the past 90 minutes or so, I’ve been working on edits
I know I say that every day lol $

But we are really getting pretty damn close $

So we’re enjoying part two of a cigarette before getting back to it $

We should have enough fuel to last the rest of the day
My hope is to do another run later $

I may need to go ahead and grab another dose of the poison
I’ve earned it, but I’m leaning on it a bit as a work supplement $

For the record, I haven’t done any heavy or sedative dose in a while
I haven’t gone above a quarter tab $

It is 1:55 PM and I am on my second Sun walk
I’m proud of myself
We are probably 75%-ish on the way thru Final video review.
It is mind numbing not gonna lie. $

“Saying something is super fucked up“ 
Is just another way of saying
 “good opportunity to learn something“ $$

You can think things that you don’t believe,
But you can’t believe in something you haven’t thought about $$

It is 8:40 PM and I think we turned a corner work wise
I’m gonna go ahead and try to go to sleep a little early just so I can reset and refresh faster
And also, I just remembered I got up early today
Nice when I can forget that I’ve been up since four AM..
AnyWho, 
I’m doing the fun part of work again. I just gotta make sure I pace myself so I don’t burn out. $

Fingers crossed and knock on wood lol $

Fuck it, wishing upon a star too while I’m at it $

In another pro move
I have managed to log another PB&J before the clock strikes midnight $

Happy 11:58 PM $

By the way season two of “beef” is pretty damn good so far $

Lol, thanks for letting me share $